Subject: Mind if I take Kate? (nm)
Author:
Posted on: 2011-09-21 23:14:00 UTC
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New RC, New Characters, New Mission! by
on 2011-09-21 13:31:00 UTC
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In which three Floaters get their start by assassinating a particularly arrogant Gary Stu in the Mass Effect continuum.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pYRDNWVGFPf5szb4mP1UliqrLs39NH9ctpKJ4C5gU/edit?hl=en_US#
Honestly, the story as a whole wouldn't be so bad if not for the unlikeable main characters and the fact that the main Stu has a really stupid backstory.
Anyway, with this new RC's first mission, I didn't pick up any minis, but I did pick up two potential recruits:
Kate Blanchet
Lysa Arkaj
Lysa is going to the Cafeteria. Kate, I'm leaving up for someone else to take.
So yeah. Hope you enjoyed! -
Good job! by
on 2011-09-24 12:30:00 UTC
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On the (hopefully) constructive criticism front: On the first page you use the word 'rather' four times in a very short time. I think at least half of those could be skipped.
My opinion (not claiming this as any kind of objective truth) is that words like 'rather', 'slightly', 'kind of' and so on, should be used very sparingly. Often, they don't add anything to the text other than a sense of fuzziness.
I read PoorCynics post and especially the part about the copy-pasting and would also like to say, that while I totally agree with what he says about wanting to see agents being funny and snarky and awesome rather than reading the fic, I didn't think that there was too much copy-paste in this mission, so maybe it is also a question of personal taste. I like large text-excerpts as long as they are relevant and as a reader they help me get involved in the mission and understand what the agents are dealing with. I also use them myself in my missions. So please don't cut back too much on the text excerpts.
I like your new agents and how they interact with each other. They make an interesting team with plenty of room for growth and I'm looking forward to seeing more of them. An interlude, perhaps? *makes puppy-eyes* -
Actually, next mission. by
on 2011-09-24 13:20:00 UTC
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Because the next mission with these three will be coming up really soon, so yeah. Crazy times are had.
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Mind if I take Kate? (nm) by
on 2011-09-21 23:14:00 UTC
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Go right ahead! =D (nm) by
on 2011-09-22 00:08:00 UTC
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Hmm. by
on 2011-09-21 15:16:00 UTC
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These three new agents you've created definitely have some good interplay here. I was especially tickled when Xanthus makes the obvious '1-2-3-4-5' joke and the girls just look at him as if he were an idiot. Xanthus in general, actually. He's got a good voice and an interesting personality.
I also liked the way you finished the mission. I won't go into spoiler territory, but seeing a clever reversal always makes me feel good. Kudos for that!
That being said, this mission needs more work. There are a few awkward lines here and there, including a particularly odd paragraph on page five where vague pronouns turn Xanthus into a 'she.' There are a few cases of unassigned pronouns throughout the mission that make it a little difficult to determine who's talking.
Another issue is with how underdeveloped Agent Anneli seems when compared with her two partners. Cindy and Xanthus both feel far more concrete as individuals. I know about their backgrounds and characterizations in fairly good detail. All I know about Anneli is that she's from contemporary Miami, she's kinda peppy, and she has a vague dudebro-type accent. She doesn't really do much and doesn't really add anything.
The big problem with this big mission is in regard to your use of direct quotes from the badfic. Huge blocks of copy-pasted text do not an interesting read make. Honestly, this felt like I was just reading the badfic rather than an actual mission. I don't want that. I want to read agents being funny and snarky and awesome. The audience does not need to see every line from the fic being sporked. They don't even need to see most of the lines. They just need enough to realize where the fic is going wrong.
Sorry if that seemed a harsh. My intention is not to be a jerk, but to offer constructive criticism. I think you've definitely got some potential with this group of agents, but they need some definite polishing for the future. -
Harsh? You? by
on 2011-09-21 15:55:00 UTC
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Puh-lease, PoorCynic. I've seen harsher than this.
I'm not sure I see where the vague pronouns turn Xanthus into a she. Point it out for me, pretty please?
I'm still working on getting her characterization down pat, so... Hopefully, she'll get more to do in the next mission as she's handling the RA pretty much the entire way through. Also, she gets to make comments based on her experiences with crime procedurals, so there's that too.
"The big problem with this big mission is in regard to your use of direct quotes from the badfic. Huge blocks of copy-pasted text do not an interesting read make. Honestly, this felt like I was just reading the badfic rather than an actual mission. I don't want that. I want to read agents being funny and snarky and awesome. The audience does not need to see every line from the fic being sporked. They don't even need to see most of the lines. They just need enough to realize where the fic is going wrong."
Well, I didn't want to trash the entire fic, because all things considered it's not god-awful. I wanted to point out the good things about it too, and in some points I felt the only way I could do that was to put in some of the huge blocks of copy-pasted text. So there's that whole thing too.
Plus, I had already skipped over a lot of material, particularly in the middle.
Seriously, this was a tough one to spork. Why is it the godawful ones are the easiest ones to make fun of? -
The paragraph in question by
on 2011-09-21 18:10:00 UTC
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Cindy and Xanthus both looked on, and then they gave disgusted looks too. “My… Oh my… For Merlin’s sake, Anneli, I didn’t need that image!” she said. “I only just read some of Freud’s papers!”
It should be made a bit more clear that Cindy is the one speaking, since the first sentence does not deliberate which agent is the specific subject.
A more clear example might be something like: “My… Oh my… For Merlin’s sake, Anneli, I didn’t need that image!” Cindy said, her face twisting with disgust. Out of the corner of her eye should could see Xanthus making a similar expression. “I only just read some of Freud’s papers!”
And the godawful ones are so easy to spork because they give you the most ammunition. They almost mock themselves. -
because they are like a comedy act. by
on 2011-09-21 16:59:00 UTC
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They never let up and you can consistently take all of their straight lines and turn into jokes.
Fics with sort of breaks into meh-ness or even competency can leave you waiting for the punchline for a while...