Subject: Hmm.
Author:
Posted on: 2011-09-21 15:16:00 UTC
These three new agents you've created definitely have some good interplay here. I was especially tickled when Xanthus makes the obvious '1-2-3-4-5' joke and the girls just look at him as if he were an idiot. Xanthus in general, actually. He's got a good voice and an interesting personality.
I also liked the way you finished the mission. I won't go into spoiler territory, but seeing a clever reversal always makes me feel good. Kudos for that!
That being said, this mission needs more work. There are a few awkward lines here and there, including a particularly odd paragraph on page five where vague pronouns turn Xanthus into a 'she.' There are a few cases of unassigned pronouns throughout the mission that make it a little difficult to determine who's talking.
Another issue is with how underdeveloped Agent Anneli seems when compared with her two partners. Cindy and Xanthus both feel far more concrete as individuals. I know about their backgrounds and characterizations in fairly good detail. All I know about Anneli is that she's from contemporary Miami, she's kinda peppy, and she has a vague dudebro-type accent. She doesn't really do much and doesn't really add anything.
The big problem with this big mission is in regard to your use of direct quotes from the badfic. Huge blocks of copy-pasted text do not an interesting read make. Honestly, this felt like I was just reading the badfic rather than an actual mission. I don't want that. I want to read agents being funny and snarky and awesome. The audience does not need to see every line from the fic being sporked. They don't even need to see most of the lines. They just need enough to realize where the fic is going wrong.
Sorry if that seemed a harsh. My intention is not to be a jerk, but to offer constructive criticism. I think you've definitely got some potential with this group of agents, but they need some definite polishing for the future.