Subject: One to watch?
Author:
Posted on: 2011-01-25 16:58:00 UTC
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6679066/1/Thesisterofthe2greatninjas
At the moment, it's just a bio of the main character, but it's tripping my Mary Sue detector.
One of the reviewers is suggesting this be moved to the Naruto section instead of GI Joe. I don't know much about the Naruto canon -- how does the bio stack up against that?
Seems it's been taken down. Not a huge surprise, but a bit of a shame, really.
This could be our best chance to discover the embryological and fetal development of the Mary-Sue and the early effects of the Plotbunny!
Naruto is practically infamous for having overpowered characters with over-the-top angsty pasts--I think I described it once as being something like a picture of a rape-murder scene painted in bright blocks of primary colors--but canon sues are rare (ymmv, of course) due to the time that is given to develop each character and make them sympathetic.
That said, Ayame is waaaaay past what would be appropriate, even for Naruto canon. And, as Neshomeh said, deities aren't a big part of Naruto canon anyway; having a character who is one (or is related to one) would be out of place.
If a story gets written and somebody wants to PPC it, I'd be glad to act as canon-consultant for the Naruto universe. ^^
This fic is wirtten by a Lebanese guy/girl. Would it be write to spork fics from people who don't speak English as first language? (I don't mean it's not a Sue, but, for example, would grammar and spelling mistakes be major charges if we take this fact into account?)
If they have the confidence to try and publish a piece of work online and it is clearly not a piece they do for learning the language but a sincere submission that they feel is quality, then yes.
They would publish in their first language if they were not confident in their second. Even so, say that it's a forest of bad grammar and spelling, but point out the really obvious, awful mistakes.
There are certain spelling and grammar errors associated with not knowing a language very well-- spelling things phonetically, using the grammar of the mother language when unsure, or using very simple structure where it sounds wrong.
Currently I am sporking a mission written by somebody from Mexico who consistently mis-spells their own character's names, makes severe typing errors (Capitalization, no spaces, or bad typos) and mis-spells really simple words that even if he was still learning the language he'd know to get right:
Spyro woke up the next mourning ready to geta move on. Cynder was already up eating breakfast. When she saw her husband u she miled and said, "Good morning Spyro." '
This is a small sample, but none of these are explainable by that he's shaky with the language... later, he uses colloquialisms ("bring it ya old fart") and can spell the words 'uppercut' and 'insignia.'
Maybe small mistakes can be ignored, but not things that can be avoided by paying attention in English class or asking for a beta reader, IMHO.
However, if there is a Sue there will be enough charges without having to nitpick the text. Remember: only gloriuos (or funny) examples of bad grammar should be pointed out while sporking, if the mission is a list of grammar ewrrors it isn't fun anymore.
Glaurung! I've given a good example not in purpose.
Because on isn't in, and then... then at... but on... and...PREPOSITIONS! *sits on a corner, hugs her legs and swings*
I have the same problem with plurals...
You were not kidding. This is going to be one messed-up fic, isn't it. Generally, any fic with a first chapter that does nothing but painstakingly detail the original character the author is introducing screams 'SUE', but this one...Ugh. Allow me to highlight the most erroneous tip-offs;
1. Eyes: as storm shadow's eyes but a feminization style and larger.
2. Height: 1 m and 55 cm
3. Mass: 45 kg
(Note: According to the Heart, Lung, and Blood Association, that's a body mass index of 18, or 'dangerously underweight'. This say anything to you?)
4. her real element is ice but she controls all the elements cause she is the goddess of elemental powers.
5. Ayame is sixteen years old. She has a bloody and sad past. She has a super natural power, and had a ying seal on her right arm, she had it since she was born or u can say since her mother was pregnant of her and her twin brothers and sister.
It isn't finished, and I haven't gotten Permission yet, but can I volunteer to take this? I don't know much about GI Joe or Naruto, but I do know a thing or two about good writing, and this is not it...
I have a couple weeks before I can even get in line for Permission, but want a fellow rookie teammate? I'm not an expert on GI Joe, but I've got the basics. I'd probably have to research Naruto online, though.
I have exactly the opposite; basic knowledge of Naruto, but little to none for GI Joe. What sort of team-up are you suggesting?
I have a couple ideas for agents.
The obligatory "Look, Ma, I'm a PPC Agent!" would probably work best as just out of basic training. My other idea is a UNIT soldier (no higher in rank than Sergeant, and I'd prefer Corporal or Private) who was a bit character in a Doctor Who badfic and recruited by the agents who dealt with it. That one could be written as either experienced or newbie. The problem is, I can't find a fic for the character to be recruited from. There has to be Third Doctor/early Fourth Doctor badfic out there, but most of the writers seem to be concentrating on Nine through Eleven.
If you want to discuss this privately, I'm gamingkitty on LiveJournal and @Antigone68104 on Twitter.
I mean, I personally think it's more fun that way, but if you have an idea for a badfic character, the badfic can be made up. Heck, maybe the fic just exists in a different version of Earth from ours.
Knowing is half the battle, eh? ^_~
~Neshomeh
With any luck, I've nipped it in the bud and curtailed the Sue before it starts, so let's hope for that. If she DOES write the story, and shows no signs of even trying, then go for it.
Meanwhile, you can use the time to bone up on your canon lore. {= )
~Neshomeh
It goes without saying that this is too early to call - you can't spork an entry with no narrative - but like most of us, I'm quite wary of that bio.
I'll be watching quietly; there's no point that I can make via review that Neshomeh hasn't already brought up in a more concise fashion. Here's hoping this author is willing to pay attention to the proffered words of advice...
doubts... great doubts, about the changing of the character...
before I kill someone… please stop me x((
This character screams Sue as much as a girl in the water would scream shark when she saw one.
“Eyes: as storm shadow's eyes but a feminization style and larger. It's color as her hair's color but reddish and darker.”
I have yet to meet or see a woman, who have dark chestnut brown eyes, with a bit of red in them.
“She has a bloody and sad past.”
Well that sounds typical sueisshh (almost breaks neck trying to say the word)
There might as well be put some agents on this story, before it even begins.
Like the others, I would agree to at least watch this one. Although the way the words are in this fic sorta makes me cringe, however...
"Element: her real element is ice but she controls all the elements cause she is the goddess of elemental powers."
Sue. Sue. Sue.
And I want to know how twins can be elder or younger. I mean, there is a delay of only seconds. Not enough to say "s/he's older than the other one(s)".
I saw also SMS-like abbreviations and wrong grammar. This one is probably going to become the first fic recognized as badfic before even being written.
Quote:
"And I want to know how twins can be elder or younger. I mean, there is a delay of only seconds."
Not really. Usually the delay is measured in minutes, sometimes hours, and in one case that I know of, days.
But other than that, yeah, SUUUUUUUUE.....
I'm fifty-nine minutes younger than my fraternal twin sister, so yes, it's possible for there to be an elder or younger twin.
Otherwise, I totally agree: Kill da Sue!
I'm fifty-nine minutes younger than my fraternal twin sister, so yes, it's possible for there to be an elder or younger twin.
Otherwise, I totally agree: Kill da Sue!
I've left a review with pointers, giving them the benefit of the doubt, but that profile just screams Sue. And it should definitely be in Crossovers, since half the names seem to be borrowed from Naruto.
~Neshomeh