Subject: My Worthless Noob Opinion
Author:
Posted on: 2014-08-19 16:56:00 UTC

First up: I am not a Permission Giver. I do not have Permission myself. You should not consider this to be some kind of official statement on the quality of your work. However, I have noticed some aspects of your writing that could be improved upon. This is just some friendly critique, and I hope you take it in the intended spirit.

The first thing I noticed is that your samples feel really, really short. The first one is technically within the requested length, but just barely. Moreover, it feels like it's about half a scene. It says in the text that Kimberly had just lost her patience, but we don't really see any fallout from that. Is she completely placated by his response? That seems really unlikely for what we see of her character. The second one isn't technically within the requested length, which is okay, but it also feels kind of thrown together, if that makes sense. It could really stand to be fleshed out.

The other thing is probably the reason that the samples seem short. Your writing is somewhat stiff and emotionless. We get a few peaks into Kimberly's head, but not enough to really get a good sense of her personality. I don't think we ever explicitly get to see what Hue's thinking, which is okay - you can stick with one PoV agent if you want - but makes it hard to get a sense of him besides 'cute, fluffy thing,' which is a physical description, not a personality one. A good example is the end of the first sample. How does he say his line? Is he irritated that she’s not taking him seriously? Disappointed that she doesn’t want to be friends with him? Trying to be the mature one while Kimberly is on the verge of a temper tantrum? Any of those is a valid response. Any of those would be an interesting direction for building both characters. But we don’t get any of those, and it’s impossible for the reader to judge your intentions. Similarly, in the second one we get no sense as to how Kimberly feels about her Walkman being potentially ruined. Is she sad? Cross? Does that tape have any special meaning to her? And it doesn’t fit with the slightly irritable personality she displays elsewhere.

Overall, it just comes off a little like you see Permission as a pointless formality, and you’re just trying to rush through it. Which is specifically mentioned on the Permission page as something you don’t want to do.

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