Subject: That was quite a show.
Author:
Posted on: 2014-07-11 16:51:00 UTC
Only two glitches in the whole shebang! Well done! (I agree with Randa about doing a continuum where the minis aren't giant spiders.)
Mindy is the cutest house-elf I've ever read. :) Where do you think she works now? Cafeteria? Personnel?
Heh, and it only took four months. ^_^
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1As35sGYVPzjoICOvlCN8nktxLvlUfaO-aOHIijJPCFA/edit?usp=sharing
Be warned- Harry and Tonks are 'Soul-Bound' and Harry becomes known as Lord Potter.
You forgot to add the mission to the main page of the wiki (I noticed it now).
Even though I was logged in and everything, it said I wasn't allowed to edit the home page. :/
I can edit it, it must be some sort of glitch. Post whatever you want added here, I'll add it.
Rina and Randa take on their second mission, this time against Lord Potter and his Soul-Bonded wife.
You can probably copy/paste from the Current Events page. I tried editing the main page again and it gave me the same message, so this is really appreciated. {:-)
This was a fun read, as the badfic features some of my biggest peeves about Potter romances. (I won't turn this into a rant, but I'm mainly referring to the whole "magic bond" thing, and also making a huge deal about the money Harry's parents left in Gringotts. He's still a teenager, after all, and his "wife" already owns a house. What does he need all that money for?)
Anyway. I have to admit, I actually like Harry/Tonks, but only after Harry is older, so they're both adults. Fourteen vs. nineteen is a bit too dramatic a gulf for me. (There's a nineteen again. I swear they're everywhere.)
Sorry. I know I'm discussing the fic more than your mission, but I think everyone else has beaten me to the interesting comments. I am embarrassed to admit, I didn't get the joke about Luna seeing the agents until I read Nesh's comment below. Now that I get it, I must recognize it as sheer brilliant genius! I also like the research you put into it; I never would have recognized that Nundu thing as a canon monster, since it wasn't in the main series.
I agree that the easy swaying of Vilma/Mindy is the main weakness here. Other than some odd phraseology, the original author actually had her pretty in character for an average house elf (at least in the lines you shared in the mission). She would need a lot more convincing to abandon her masters, I think (although that logic bomb of Tonks not inheriting much is a good way to start).
I do like that you recruited not only the house elf, but Dogwig as well. Despite being a flagrant blasphemy against existence, it doesn't really do anything too obnoxious. It behaves just like a regular Potterverse owl--at super speed, but that could just be geo/time distortions--and didn't show particular loyalty to the replacements. Good to see some restraint and pity where it belongs! but seriously has the author never heard an owl
One thing I was wondering about is when the agents interrupt a question from Mindy. She never brings up whatever it was again. I was expecting something terrible to happen later, and then see Mindy say, "I was trying to ask about this . . ." but the line never payed off. Was this something that got cut, or am I just paying too much attention to that exchange?
There's also a part where Rina has dialogue split into two separate paragraphs. (Starting with "'Putting my curiosity to know that aside,'") I don't think there's any real reason for those two paragraphs to be split up as they are; nothing happens in between, so why should Rina pause there?
Yeah, looking at your and Nesh's comments and the mission, I agree Mindy's willingness to go with the agents a bit too convenient. I'm working on that right now, just want to make sure I get it right. :)
And as for the Nundu... I'm a huge HP nut, as you probably figured out. As soon as I read 'Arctic Nundu', I kind of exploded. And it just made sense in my head that Luna would have the feeling that the agents were there.
Things I like:
The agents taking the mirrors too soon and having to put them back, and recruiting Mindy too soon. Nice to see them making rookie mistakes and learning their lesson.
Having Luna seem to see them for a minute. I dig the idea that Luna sees things that are actually there. Nice, kinda Discworld-y.
Lots of little things, like "Way-the-Hey-Out-of-Character Land" and the agents being immature and laughing at stuff like "Number 69" and "stud muffin." *g*
Also, I try to avoid commenting on the badfic in mission reviews, but dear god was the dialogue in that fic painful. Just... ew. Not to mention how ~*special*~ everything was. I'm pleased that the ridiculous amounts of OOC and uncanon were addressed, and I fully sympathize with the agents' nausea. (BTW, they might consider carrying some candied ginger around with them. Ginger is good for nausea.)
Things I am not sure about:
How come Mcgonagoll is a he? I think the minis tend to take on the gender of their namemistakes. Related: I always thought mini-Aragogs were approximately human-torso-sized. Big enough to haul fangirls away. I can't back that up, though. Has anyone read HFA recently?
What, nobody reacts to the Dursleys being randomly killed off by terrorists? I mean, sure, no one likes them much, but I still think the fact that no one reacts at all is deserving of comment.
Mindy seems to give up on her perceived masters a little too easily for the average house-elf. It's not something they can just choose to do even if they want to, and I'm not sure merely explaining that she's in a bad story makes it not count. Also, who's she going to take care of in HQ? House-elves want masters, unless they're Dobby.
Typos:
* ad nauseum - Should be "ad nauseam".
* After biding Lupin farewell - Should be "after bidding Lupin farewell".
* "We is ABPDW, precious" - Shouldn't that be "We is ABPWD"? Or is there another messed up acronym?
* "Harry gives his want to Ollivander" - Should be "Harry gives his wand to Ollivander".
* Katie Bell,Chaser for the Gryffindor Quidditch team - Missing a space: "Katie Bell, Chaser"
* ... and spawning an army of mini-Aragongs" - Should be "an army of mini-Aragogs". (How embarrassing. ^_^; )
* "But he's a Cute Animal Friend!" - Should be "But she's a Cute Animal Friend!"
* There was a period in place of a comma in someone's dialogue somewhere, but I forgot to note it down and I can't find it again. {= (
All in all, a very enjoyable read. Keep up the good work!
~Neshomeh
I'll go fix those right away. Maybe not the thing about Mindy being too easily released, since that one I'll need to think about... Anyway, I will say I got the idea to quote canon from Nume quoting LotR in "Ring Child". Kudos to you. :D
I'm not sure when else that's been done recently, though I'd be surprised if I was the first to think of it.
The scene where they first talk to Mindy reminds me a lot of how Jenni recruited Derik in "Harry Potter and the Dragonriders of Pern," too, just because of the flow of it. The words are all yours, so I'm fine with it. Nothing new under the sun, creativity is just learning how to hide your sources, etc. ^_~
I think the solution to Mindy is probably to have her show resistance, but still tag along with them anyway while she doesn't have duties in the story. The way she gets dragged back could show that she's still beholden to Lord and Lady Potter as well as still part of the fic, if you put in a few words to that effect and show her being conflicted about it. Then, once Lord and Lady are assassinated, she should be free, since they don't have any descendents (thank glod). However, she might feel obligated to protect them, so that's a potential snag.
~Neshomeh, who thinks "Lord" and "Lady" are probably their first names by the end of the story.
Only two glitches in the whole shebang! Well done! (I agree with Randa about doing a continuum where the minis aren't giant spiders.)
Mindy is the cutest house-elf I've ever read. :) Where do you think she works now? Cafeteria? Personnel?
I was briefly considering having her be Rina's next partner (since Randa and I aren't going to be able to see each other much and we both prefer doing the mission in person), but then I realized Mindy was way too agreeable and her speech pattern would just get tiring to write. So probably Cafeteria.
By the way, guys, if anyone wants to use Mindy in their story, go ahead. I'm declaring her free-to-use.
You made good use of Mindy / Vilma there, and the agents’ mistakes show that they are not very experienced yet. I also like how you handled the missing transition from dinner to morning.
But there is one (in numbers: 1) issue for the Repetitive Department of Repetition: “this one was named named Godrick”. And the badfics title is Harry Potter and the Tails of Cange. (I wondered whether you quoted a misspelling there and why you didn’t spork this, so I looked it up.)
Getting Not!Harry when he is wandless is a brilliant idea.
HG
It seems that the rest of the Boarders got quite a few mistakes, but they unfortunately missed a few.
Whatever you say, Rina-sempai. You misspelled the honorifc; it's senpai (i.e., with an N, not an M)
Randa scrambled out of another mini-Aragog's (this one was named Godrick) way This is worded awkwardly, as you have "this one" relating back to a possessive noun. Try rewording the sentence: out of the way of another mini-Aragog (this one was named Godrick)
"Viower excretion" should most definitely be "Reader discretion".
Also, what do the curly brackets around some of the badfic quotes mean?
Also, "Uncle Siri"? Lel on the Apple-influenced Stuthor :P
All-in-all, I enjoyed the mission. The badfic seems to be of the funny sort and Rina & Randa's reactions make it even more funny. It isn't too long, which is also a plus. Well done, Ixi.
so you have to ask Karou Windstalker. "Viower excretion" is so obviously wrong that I assume it is meant to be a joke, probably a quote, although not from this badfic.
HG
Yeah, it's one of My Immortal's more (in)famous disclaimers.
So Sirius is one of Steven Jobs' partners?
There's a typo in your disclaimer, but that mission was a fun read.
Even with both me and Randa going over the thing twice, stuff still slips by. :3
I think my favourite part was the recruitment and subsequent interactions with Mindy, although the actual mention of physically writing a mission report at the very beginning was pretty great too. We don't see that kind of thing enough, in my opinion. And ooh, the recitation of canon is another trick that isn't employed as much as it should be. I loved that bit.
Really, like your last mission, this one had a very strong Original Series vibe to it, which is definitely a very cool thing.
-Aila
Finally! I've been sitting here and frothing at the mouth waiting for it to be done. :)
^^^That was me. I keep forgetting to put the name down.
Unless you have to get your message down before you forget it, of course, but otherwise it's pretty helpful to just use the order of 1. Author, 2. Email, 3. Subject (if you want one), and then 4. Message.
At least, that's what I've found. It really does make it harder to forget a name or email.
Also, hi! Not sure we've met. Welcome (belatedly) to the Board! Here, have a Welcome Gift of Swiss Bleepolate (it'll turn into a bleeproduct of your choice if you don't like chocolate, just press the green button on the packaging), and a sonic suedriver in celebration of the upcoming new season of Doctor Who! Watch as it turns different colors and sonics away Aura of Smooth...
Welcome again :)
~DF