Subject: My thoughts. (SPOILERS)
Author:
Posted on: 2014-02-20 22:04:00 UTC

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE PREVIOUSLY POSTED STORY. JUST A HEADS UP.

I really liked how Eledhwen seemed to take on the properties of her chosen disguise. It's a mechanic I really like, and one I don't feel like I see enough of in other PPC stories. It lends itself to comedy (and heck, drama sometimes too) very well. The one point I would raise regarding it, though, was that Spock didn't really seem to be affected when he was disguised as a human cadet (nice touch making him look like Sylar, by the way). Just a little consistency bugbear, but I felt it should be pointed out.

I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about having Christianne being triggered, but I actually wound up appreciating it as a device. Not only does it make her character seem more real, it actually creates a sense of genuine distress. I felt like that was a far more accurate reaction than the typical PPC hyperbole of slamming one's head against a wall due to how stupid the fic is. That being said, you do have some of those over-exaggerated moments yourself (not so bad as head-walling, mind you), and they sort of clash with the more serious triggered reaction. It made it a bit more difficult for me to accept the overall gravity of the situation.

Regarding Mrs. Jones: I can't defend the character by any stretch of the imagination. She's woefully out of place, more suitable to some Fifties or Sixties sitcom family than Star Trek. That being said: no society, no generation, is mentally monolithic. Not everyone shares the prevailing ideals. You are going to have outliers. Trek may be progressive, but as we see DS9 and later TNG episodes, it's not a utopia. I could see a vaguely Mrs. Jones-like character existing in the Star Trek universe, but her character would have to be altered. Maybe she wants her daughter to pursue a family life because she doesn't want her to be killed by some oil slick monster light years away from Earth.

Finally, the concluding charge list. These two giant paragraphs (one for Seraphina, one for Stupock) are really not good. They kill the overall pacing and repeat just about everything you've already critiqued about the story up to that point. A bit of advice for you and everyone else when it comes to charge lists: generalize. Instead of going over every single point of contention, just present it as something 'multiple counts of making canonical Star Trek characters OOC' or 'creating unknown artifacts of dubious power.' You've already told us all the plot-breaking points. Sum up.

I do appreciate that you actually incapacitated the Sue and Stupock in some way before reading the charges, however. Too many times (including, I will admit, a few times in my own missions) I've seen agents just read off the charges to the Sues or Stus like a supervillain monologuing to the hero. I sometimes wonder why the Sue or Stu just doesn't take off the agent's head while he or she is staring at a notepad full of charges. So thank you for taking that into consideration.

Some minor things:
-- "her partner (and girlfriend) Eledhwen Elerossiel" This line feels forced, especially with the parentheses. There's enough in the story that shows the audience that Eledhwen and Christianne are a couple.
-- Spock spends quite a bit of time just blithely listening to Chistianne and Eledhwen snark and discuss matters about the PPC. I know his memory was coming back slowly, but it still felt like they just forgot he was there sometimes.

All in all, this is a pretty solid piece. I like the interactions between your agents and the characterization you give them. Kudos to you! I await your next story with eagerness.

PC

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