Subject: Some critique...
Author:
Posted on: 2014-02-20 08:36:00 UTC

... first of all, that was a smashing mission! I enjoyed having real!Spock along for the ride and I think you got his character down to a T. Your descriptions are nice and compact, yet very informative. Dialogue flows nicely and information is presented to the reader in a way that allows someone who hasn't watched Star Trek to get in on the action.

As far as I can tell, there are no SPaG mistakes in your text. Hats off to you and your beta readers!



My major source of concern with this mission was the treatment of Mrs. Jones:

"Christianne had considered killing Mrs Jones, but Eledhwen had pointed out that they didn’t have enough charges to justify it, despite the woman being extremely problematic for the twenty-third country. So, in the end, Mrs Jones had been tracked down and sent back in time to an era where her mindset would’ve been more acceptable. Chances were, she would have no idea how to survive without proper plumbing and technology. It was simultaneously a punishment and an attempt to put her in her proper place (in time)."

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but Christianne wanted to liquidate a woman whose only crime-- from what is shown in your excepts-- is being socially conservative, yet in a really benign way ("When are the grandchildren?"). Instead, she Weeping Angel'ed plonked Mrs. Jones in the past hoping that she dies from lack of amenities.

This feels uncomfortably like your agents going full Thought Police.

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