Subject: Eugh.
Author: VixenMage
Posted on: 2013-09-11 04:46:00 UTC
By the light of day, and less sleep deprivation, this thing is ghastly. Don't bother trying to find concrit; I'll rewrite it and hopefully find some way to make it less clunky before the thread falls off the page.
(I meant to get this up a bit earlier in the day; on the other hand, I suppose it's not even noon in America yet, so it's okay)
For the fourth time, I present the Monthlyish PPC Writing Challenge!
Here at the PPC we're very big on writing. We write missions, we rant about the bad writing in badfics, we even play games like Fill The Plothole, which consist of, yep, writing. But at no point do we all sit down and try to improve our writing together.
So. The objective of the Monthly PPC Writing Challenge is to write a short story to a set theme, and then give useful, constructive criticism to other participants.
Here are The Rules:
-Write a (reasonably short) story in response to the Theme below, and post it on this thread. You may use a beta if you wish, but it is not required.
-Give constructive criticism (at least one positive point, at least one negative with suggestions for improvement) to at least one other submission.
-You may rewrite your story based on concrit you receive and repost it, but this is not required.
-Obvious fact, but no flaming! This isn't like the Badfic Contest - the goal here is to write a good story and get feedback from the community.
-You do not require Permission to participate in the Challenge. Neither do your agents need to be approved for you to use them.
-However, nothing written for the Challenge is considered part of the PPC Canon unless you do have Permission, and explicitly claim it as canon.
I think that covers it. Remember that both the writing and the giving of concrit are part of the challenge. (And no, there's no time limit - but there's not usually much point posting on a thread that's left the front page)
And this month's Theme:
A character in the PPC returns something.
Deliberately short-but-sweet. I hope you can find something interesting to do with it. And remember... have fun!
hS
Er, I wrote the first part of this on a rock in the middle of a river, before reading Phobos' plug down-page. And now I'm looking at the whole thing twice, but anyway. If you haven't read it yet, you should.
---
The sink gurgled as the drain swallowed the last of the suds. Mohan watched them disappear, ran the tap one more time to clear it, and glanced up quickly as the door closed. Lyn clicked the latch home and shook her head. He sighed and turned back to the counter, where several cubic metres of turnip stood.
"I keep saying we should get some kind of a partition set up," Lyn said, behind him. He heard the clunk as she pulled the case down from the cabinet.
"It wouldn't do any good," he told her, retrieving his own knife from the block.
He hefted the long blade once, swing it straight across for the whistle, and brought it down hard on the massive root vegetable. The counter shook slightly with the noise. He grinned nastily at the slice, pulled the knife out, and reached back up to swing again. The knives they used for these were long, and kept sharp. They'd learned to be a bit more careful while chopping vegetables, these days.
Behind him, the chainsaw revved to life, and there was no conversation for a while as Lyn worked on the other half of the recipe.
"I know," she said, as she killed the engine. "But we've got to do something! He won't wear gloves, and I don't blame him - Cafeteria bylaws have a lot of words about that."
"I still think somebody should have told them why gloves were such an important part of World One foodhandling tradition," Mohan said, bringing the knife down to take another two-inch slice of the turnip. "You never know, it might not be the worst idea."
"No, the worst idea was importing ice wraiths for the walk-in freezers."
Mohan shook his head. "What, and not that time someone decided what we really needed was a Durian Casserole?"
"Okay, that was--"
"--or when someone thought the best place to get carrots was in the middle of a Looney Tunes firefight?"
"Whoa, but that--"
"--or that time with the Wreck-it Ralph badfic--"
"--Okay! I get it!" His partner glared at him from the other side of the kitchen. He did not bother to grant the glare the dignity of turning around; Lyn could glare holes in asbestos.
"If we changed the bylaws specifically to allow gloves for hazards to workers, what would that do?"
"Probably nothing," Lyn said, pushing the bowl of sawdust up on the counter. "He wouldn't wear them anyway, and he'd be upset if we tried to change the rules for him. Watch out, that's got to go here."
He stepped out of the way as she slid the stack of sliced turnips into the mixing bowl, and carried it over to the sink to blend.
"How many batches are we making, anyway?"
She shrugged. "I figure we might as well use all of it. He should be back pretty soon. We've just got to talk to DoSAT, or maybe Medical, about a way to fix all this."
Mohan nodded, and returned to cleaving the turnips. He'd nearly finished the row when there was a knock on the door; he and Lyn nearly knocked each other over opening it.
Igor raised an eyebrow at them. "He ith yourth, yeth?"
Behind him was the tall, slightly sheepish figure of an Enderman in Cafeteria uniform. He disappeared from view immediately, leaving only a trail of purple sparks past the Igor and into the kitchen. Lyn followed him; Mohan sighed.
"Yes, he is. Thank you, Igor. Is he alright?"
"He ith fine. The burnth will heal in a few dayth. He theemth quite eager to return, tho Doctor Fitthgerald athked me to ethcort him here."
The short medic reached into his lab pocket and pulled out a small box. "He altho athked me to return thith to your Department."
Mohan frowned. "Oh - thank you. He didn't say what it was...?"
But the Igor had already disappeared. Mohan sighed, closed the door, and opened the box.
"...Oh, damn it." He followed the trail of purple sparks through the kitchen, to where Lyn and Jof were lounging outside of the freezers, eating sandwiches. "Jof, Igor brought this back, too." He handed the little device to his partner, who frowned.
"Ah," he said, after a moment. "That would explain it."
Mohan and Lyn waited a few minutes. Mohan sighed.
"That would explain...?"
The Enderman looked up. "The hydrophobic device. I left it behind while visiting last week." He slid the thing into the front pocket of his uniform and took another bite out of his sandwich.
Lyn shrugged, took another bite out of her own sandwich, and grinned happily. Mohan thought of saying something like "...and you didn't mention this?" or "...and you still decided to make chicken soup?" or "can we weld that to your neck?" sighed, thought better of it, and sat down, snagging the remains of sandwich-making-supplies for himself.
It wasn't until that night at about two o'clock in the morning (the Ironic Overpower Approved time for sudden revelations) when the image of an Igor and a hydrophobic device clicked in his head. He sat bolt upright.
"Lyn?"
"nghwha?"
"How toxic to an Enderman do you think the waters of the Ankh would be?"
"I was asleep, you--" she stopped. "I don't know, let's find out."
"Tomorrow."
---
(I only realized partway that the whole "stretching mashed turnips by mixing in sawdust" thing might not be universal, in which case this probably looks random as hell. But yes, that is what they are doing, and no, I probably could not tell you exactly why, besides that my grandpa had some very interesting stories about his childhood.)
(And yes, I think I'm going to say this is canon, and now I think there needs to be a story about what happens when the Cafeteria decides that they are now doing all their prep and cooking with either Ankh "water" or at least a mixture involving Ankh "water" in some ratio..)
By the light of day, and less sleep deprivation, this thing is ghastly. Don't bother trying to find concrit; I'll rewrite it and hopefully find some way to make it less clunky before the thread falls off the page.
Note: The opinions expressed here are the opinions of the characters, not necessarily of the author. Also, I have no idea if this is any good.
Tish dropped the Lord of the Rings trilogy (plus The Hobbit) on Sebak's bunk. They bounced, and the top book skittered off the stack and bumped into Sebak's leg. "I'm done!" she said. "Finally."
Sebak looked up and carefully restacked The Fellowship of the Ring. "Did you enjoy them?"
Tish nodded. "Yeah. I liked The Hobbit the best because Bilbo's character development is cool. I think the riddles were a really creative way to deal with something scary. And I liked trying to guess the answers. It's so funny, too, Bilbo being all like 'I want my hobbit-hole'!"
The Vulcan tilted his head. "I found that one the least enjoyable."
Tish nodded. "You probably like The Silmarillion the best," she guessed.
"Did you read it?" Sebak asked, looking almost hopeful.
Tish snorted. "I tried. But you didn't say it was required, and it's really boring! I'd read it if it was told like a story, but ugh."
"Tolkien's prose is considered quite beautiful," Sebak said.
"Yeah, it is," Tish said. "And that's the problem. It's like 'hey look I'm a linguistics professor!' rather than 'hey I'm going to tell you a cool story'!"
"I thought you said you liked the series."
She sighed. "First of all, they’re not as bad as The Silmarillion. And there's still a cool story there. But I kept stopping and starting because I kept losing interest. If I hadn't promised you, I probably wouldn't have finished them."
Sebak raised his eyebrows. "Why did you read them for me? When you worked in the Lord of the Rings division you would have likely had a partner that would have tried to make you read them."
"Yeah, but she kept trying to convince me to like them and well, you won't. You're just like 'it's logical to read them because there is a lot of badfic for them'. I like things to make sense."
"Really."
"Yeah," Tish said.
"Hm. Considering what I have learned about you, that is most - "
"Fascinating, I know," Tish said, sighing. "Could you not be stereotypical? Anyhow, I read them for you. Happy? Right, stupid question," she added as Sebak arched an eyebrow.
"I am disappointed that you did not enjoy them," he replied. "However, as you said, they are necessary."
"Well, we can agree to disagree on that. Most fic is movieverse. And I didn't say I didn't like them!"
"You explained your problems with them quite thoroughly," Sebak pointed out.
She shrugged. "It's just kind of overrated, that's all."
"That is your opinion."
"Right," she said.
Sebak nodded.
Tish grinned. "So, will you read Percy Jackson?"
I'm really growing to love your characters rather a lot with every bit of their lives that you share. I also think that you've written a very IC Vulcan, which, well...well done :) And Tish explained her reasons and was an illogically logical (or possibly logically illogical) human about it all. It was quite fun, and the end--Percy Jackson--had me giggling, probably both because of the request and because I could picture Sebak's expression (okay, fine, his inner expression). Also because I then went on to picture Sebak's reaction to the books themselves and also probably because I just finished reading The Mark of Athena (er, I think I finished it...it's so recent I can't remember if I have a couple more pages or not, but I think I finished it.) Anyway, it was very fun to read, and I enjoyed it a great deal, and I'm going to post this now before I really start repeating myself. Good night! :)
~DF
Honestly, it's not all that hard to write an IC Vulcan. At least for me. I basically learned how to write fanfiction writing Data, so I just add a bit more snark and use more contractions.
And I think it will be fun to see Sebak's reaction. I think the two series make a nice contrast - Tolkien being intellectual high fantasy, Percy Jackson being fantasy but more fun and snarky (though no less intelligent). I'll definitely be rereading the series again in preparation for House of Hades, maybe I'll write Sebak's reaction then.
Anyhow, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Should be awesome :D If you ever feel doubtful that anyone wants to read it, drop me a line, and I'll flood you with encouragement and excited jumping up and down.
I think my praise of the IC-Vulcan-ness is partially because of a rather traumatic (certainly to the agents involved) Spock replacement, partially because of my own occasional difficulty in determining just how many emotion-based words my Vulcan character would use, and definitely out of admiration at seeing a well-written Vulcan character, one who really reads like a Vulcan. It's been a pleasure :)
~DF
As to writing Vulcans, you write them like other characters, but do what I call "translation". Satisfied or pleased for happy, disappointed or displeased for unhappy, gratified for thankful, mildly irritated for pissed off. And skeptical and confused are good words to use. Use "mildly" and "vaguely" - mildly irritated, vaguely amused. Also, lots of eyebrow movements.
Though, honestly, I'm sure you're doing fine. :) I look forward to reading said mission.
Also, while I'm talking to you - how's the Avengers OFU going? It's just that I'm working my way through the movies right now - seen everything except Hulk and Iron Man 3, and I want to watch the Avengers again now that I know everyone's backstory - and I'd love to read it. And submit a fangirl. Because I've kind of got myself to base her on.
This definitely sounds like a real conversation between a pro-Tolkien and "meh"-Tolkien person. I've heard just about all of these points from real people, and I think you've got a fair representation of both sides here—except that I'd personally be a whole lot more insistent than Sebak was about how freaking beautiful Tolkien's language is and nobody appreciates a well-turned sentence these days. >.>
Ahem. Anyway. As a piece of dialogue, this works pretty well. You've set the scene well enough that I know what the conversation is about and why it's happening. It helps that I already know who these characters are, and I'm not sure if it would be as enjoyable to someone who hasn't met them yet, but for the purpose of illustrating how some people really like Tolkien while others are indifferent, I think it's not terribly important.
There was one hitch for me:
"Fascinating, I know," Tish said, sighing. "Could you not be stereotypical? Anyhow, I read them for you. Happy? Right, stupid question," she added as Sebak arched an eyebrow.
At the end of this line, you've got events happening out of order: Tish responds to Sebak raising his eyebrow before he's shown to do it. Worse, the word "as" means that she reacts to his action at the same time he performs it.* When the reader inevitably realizes that the eyebrow must have happened first and Tish's reaction comes second, they have to pause and reset their mental image, which is a distraction. A small one, yes, but still something to be avoided. I'd rewrite the line like this:
"Fascinating, I know," Tish said, sighing. "Could you not be stereotypical? Anyhow, I read them for you. Happy?"
Sebak arched an eyebrow.
"Right, stupid question," she added.
This way, everyone is reacting to what came before in a linear progression of cause and effect. It is, you might say, logical. {= )
~Neshomeh
* Full disclosure: I was scarred for life by this fic and learned to hate the word "as" with a fiery burning passion. I take a pretty firm stance on when it should and shouldn't be used. Looser stances may technically be acceptable. Now, if you'll please pardon me, I have to go wipe some bloody sputum off my chin...
I'm glad it sounds real. I'm on Tish's side for the most part, but I do want to write Sebak as being much more of a Tolkien fan. For future reference, what other arguments could I possibly use on his side? I didn't really show much of his side here because I wasn't sure I'd get it right.
And I'll fix that error if I ever rework this into an opening for a mission. Of course, that would require finding a LOTR badfic that would annoy both of them, and that might be kind of hard, seeing as Tish is indifferent and Sebak is a Vulcan.
I don't know how much use my arguments would be for Sebak, since most of them have to do with feelings invoked by the work. There are a couple academic things I can point to, though.
In a word, craftsmanship. Tolkien put a massive amount of work into Middle-earth, and it shows in the snippets of languages, poetry, and history that pop up throughout the tale. It's the kind of thing where you get out of it what you put into it. If you're only reading for the adventure story, that's all you'll get, and yeah, it's not your modern action-packed mile-a-minute romp. It's slow, it digresses, it rambles.
But if you take the time to study it, though, to learn who those people in the songs are, and why there are ruins on Weathertop, and where the Dunedain came from, and the real-life inspiration behind the Rohirrim—and let me just take a moment to say alliterative verse. My mind was blown all over again when I got to college and learned what alliterative verse is, and how he chooses to use it is just perfect, and . . . .
Ahem. Sorry.
Speaking to characters for a moment. Again, I think the issue that people have is that everything about them isn't necessarily right there on the page, so if you're not interested in their motifs, archetypes, symbolism, etc., there's not much there. We don't delve into their psyches a whole lot, and few of them are the type to spill everything they're thinking through their dialogue.
To appreciate Aragorn, for instance, you have to bear in mind that he's old, he's been living like an exile in the wild his entire adult life, and he's not even allowed to be with the woman he loves unless ultimate evil can be destroyed and he becomes king, redeeming the humongous screw-ups of his ancestors who could have prevented this whole mess in the first place if they'd just listened. This quest, while having the highest fate-of-the-world stakes you can possibly get, is also seriously, brutally personal for him. Just because we never hear him complain about it doesn't mean it doesn't weigh on his mind and influence every single decision he makes. So, when he chooses to follow Merry and Pippin instead of Frodo and Sam, or to look into the palantir, or to take the Paths of the Dead, the risk he's taking is enormous, not just for Middle-earth, but for him personally. Every decision is agonizingly risky, but he chooses to take the harder path anyway, because it's just that goddamn crucial. Meanwhile, he still manages to find the time to say a few kind words to poor Eowyn, heal the stricken, and generally act like a compassionate and caring guy. Aragorn is freaking awesome.
What else...? Oh, I happen to love Tolkien's sense of humor. Yes, he has one. No, it does not involve dwarf-tossing and troll boogers. -_-; It mostly comes from the way joy and laughter can surprise you, I think, so naturally the hobbits are the chief source. You get moments like Gimli waxing poetic about the Glittering Caves in the aftermath of the Battle of Helm's Deep, or Merry and Pippin having a smoke atop the ruins of Isengard, or Sam going on about how their adventures would make a great story someday. It's like... wow, guys, this is what you choose to fixate on at a time like this? Really?
And the answer is "Yeah, really," because otherwise life just wouldn't be worth the long, hard fight.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, Tolkien is an academic's dream, but a casual reader's nightmare. Sebak, as an academic, can find all sorts of things to appreciate through study and contemplation of the background details, themes, mythology, inspirations, and broader contexts of the work, whereas Tish, who's looking for a fun, exciting ride, won't find it here. There's nothing wrong with either approach to reading in general, it's just that, when it comes to Tolkien, one will reward you forever and the other one won't.
I know that probably sounds elitist even though I don't mean it that way... I'll just add that it's really, really okay if you don't love Tolkien. People don't have to love all the same things equally. That would be stupid.
~Neshomeh
Not to go on to much of a tangent, but I truly find LoTR to be really good, but not fantastic. The kea problem for me is that I am not a wordsmith, but a storyteller. When I read a story, I expect flow in narrative, and the actions motivating the story. I have read books that others have blasted as horribly written, but enjoyed them, as I found value in the story that was being told. One of my good friends, however, was a wordsmith. He could write the most beautiful prose, with description that could blow you away. However, I was a constant critic of his stories, because like Tolkien, he let the construction of the words and the description the the world take precedence over the characters and story. The number of arguments we have had over literature... So yeah, I'm with Tish here. Perhaps after I have finally finished the series I will write a paper on what, exactly, I find wrong with Mr. Tolkien's writing style.
As for the story you wrote Hermione, I found nothing wrong with it that Nesh has not already pointed out. I have not read anything with these two before, but what I gleamed about them is very interesting. Fascinating, you might say. I am very interested in seeing more from these two. Well done.
I like books the way I like almost everything - pretty and functional. It seems to me that Tolkien goes a little over the top with "pretty".
I do believe you were away when I posted the first stories with Sebak and Tish, so here are the links to their wiki pages:
Tish
Sebak
Hope you enjoy!
(This may be a cursed thread... I meant to post this yesterday, but have been too busy/ill to do so until now...)
"I've never even set foot in Labyrinth 'fic. I'm sure I'd remember."
Isn’t there an „a“ missing between „in“ and „Labyrinth”?
(Yes, it’s a cursed thread. I don’t have time to think about any real concrit.)
I agree that in normal English it would need to be there, but as far as I'm aware, this version is standard PPC usage. Another instance of the same kind of thing would be a sentence like:
"I've got a lot of experience in Labyrinth fic."
Or even,
"I'll happily take on Labyrinth fic."
In general (at least when written by me!) PPC agents tend to drop the 'a' or 'any' before, or the plural after, a '[canon] fic' mention. So '[a/any] Labyrinth fic[s]' just becomes 'Labyrinth fic'.
Both of which words no longer look like words after this post...
hS
There was a very hesitant knock at the door to RC #583. No sound came from within, but the door opened anyway, revealing a darkened room lit only by a projection lamp that was currently displaying a pattern of stars. The person who had been knocking entered; it was a small, young woman with a mass of curly red hair and a very anxious expression.
"Kelvin?"
"I'm busy, Lyra."
She sighed, peering at the tall figure sprawled on his bed at the far side of the room. "No, you're not. I can see you, even with the light off."
"I'm thinking, and not in the mood for an argument." The dark-haired elf's tone was brittle with anger and unhappiness.
Lyra Mackenzie rolled her eyes and switched the light on, giving her partner a stern look. "At least try to be nice? I'm not looking for an argument either, you know."
The only response was something that sounded like Sindarin, but the tone made it clear that the actual comment was rather vulgar; she knew bits of the language after four years of working with him, but she'd never heard that phrase before, and her translator had clearly decided it wasn't about to help.
"Sod you too," she said mildly. She knew why he was upset, after all, so she was doing her best not to be offended, even if it did mean controlling her temper much more tightly than usual. "Look, I found -"
He sat up and fixed her with a glare. "I really do not want to talk right now."
"Well, tough, because I do." She pulled a little jewellery box out of her bag and offered it to him. "Like I was saying, I found this at one of the jewellery shops."
"...What is it?" Now Kelvin was giving her a dubious look. It was wholly out of character for her to give him anything.
The small girl couldn't help a rather self-satisfied grin. "Take a look and find out."
Rather hesitantly, he did as bidden... and for once, she had the satisfaction of seeing him look truly stunned as he held up the box's contents. "Where did you find this? We thought it was lost for good!"
"At one of the jewellery shops, like I said. Someone came in and sold it to them, I don't think they knew what it was really worth -"
She was cut off as Kelvin unexpectedly hugged her tightly, laughing with relief. "Stars above, Lyra, thank you," he managed hoarsely after a moment. "I never thought we'd see it again, Cassie's going to be so glad..."
She hugged back, a bit awkwardly, before escaping and smoothing down her trousers. It felt rather nice, she noted absently, to see him looking that happy. "Well, just tell her to keep a better eye on it in future," she said, nodding to the necklace - an oval-cut blue-tinged diamond pendant set in truesilver - and shrugging a little. "If she's going to keep a wedding present that valuable..."
"I know." He smiled broadly, his former mood quite vanished. "I'll see if Mazarun has any ideas - a spell or something. But I'd best go and give this to her now."
"...Okay." Lyra's smile dropped a little at the mention of the drow who'd become Kelvin's closest friend; Mazarun had always creeped her out. "See you later. Get cracking before the console goes off."
He chuckled, tucked the box into his tunic, and slipped out with another murmured thanks.
I actually have a slight problem with your opening line. It switches between a POV inside and outside the RC. I'll try and clarify that by bolding the stuff that feels like we're inside, and italicising what feels like we're outside:
There was a very hesitant knock at the door to RC #583. No sound came from within, but the door opened anyway, revealing a darkened room lit only by a projection lamp that was currently displaying a pattern of stars. The person who had been knocking entered...
'We' don't know who's knocking, suggesting we're on the other side of the door to them. Then we're outside, listening to 'no sound'. Then the door opens, presumably by way of the unseen knocker. Then we, from outside, see the room for the first time. Then, inside, we see the knocker come in...
But, that said, I can find nothing to complain about in the rest of the story (except the capital W in '... What is it?'). You do a good job of conveying the shifts in mood as the story progresses, and (in contrast to my last entry!) keep your characters physically present, rather than turning them into talking heads. And the pendant sounds quite pretty - is that truesilver as in mithril, or some other metal by the same name?
Oh, actually, one more thing! Lyra is a 'young woman' when she comes in, but halfway down she's a 'small girl'. Yes, technically that second description is accurate - but it feels like 'child', not 'tiny'. In this context, either 'petite' or simply 'short' might work better. Or, if she is as young as it implies, turn her into a 'young' or 'teenaged' girl at her introduction.
hS
I knew those first few sentences weren't quite right, but this is what happens when I don't get beta-readers in before I post something. :P
And yes, it's kind of difficult deciding what descriptions to use with Lyra - she's twenty, but her maturity level isn't level, really, she's had to forcibly grow up a bit whilst in HQ, but she arrived as a spoilt brat and regresses on occasion. I'll work on that.
I'm glad the rest of the piece is good, though! :D And yes, the necklace is mithril - the diamond came from Faerun, Kelvin's friend Mazarun gave it to him, and Kel decided to go to Middle-earth to get it made into the pendant, because he doesn't do half measures when it comes to special gifts. :p