Subject: Some things I've noticed.
Author:
Posted on: 2015-06-16 18:13:00 UTC

I've skimmed over the first few chapters; I haven't had time for a full reading. Unfortunately, I can't comment much on the Alagaesia portions, because I'm not very familiar with the novels. I CAN remark on the Discworld portions, though. What I notice is this:

1. As hS noted, there are some spelling and grammar issues. Are some or all of you non-native English speakers? Do you have a beta checking over the fic to catch mistakes and make sure the style is consistent throughout?

2. The authors are clearly attempting a Pratchett-esque style, but I'm not sure they quite understand how it works. It's more than just saying things in a round-about manner. There's always a reason; a point or a punchline.

3. A lot of things about the characters seem to be Just Because. The Watchman has a dragon that isn't a swamp dragon... because he just does, and because it just is. The witch has pointy ears and dislikes nudity... because she just does. The dwarf has a horse and cart... because he just does. The Golem eats cake... actually, can Golems even eat? I don't recall if this features in the books.

Again, Terry Pratchett rarely does anything Just Because. There is no randomness for randomness' sake; there's always a reason that makes sense within the narrative and the fictional universe.

4. The elf's name is Narsil. Really? Just because Paolini stole his concept of the elves from Tolkien doesn't mean you should steal MORE things.

5. Another unique dragon species, huh? You've got two universe with different types of dragons to play with, but you needed more different dragons? Why?

6. Huh, Alice really throws her magic around, doesn't she? She's not much like any of the other Discworld witches at all. So... why is she a Discworld witch, again?

7. The characters seem to accept the bizarre situation of meeting people from another universe very easily. They just kinda chat about it and get on with things. This makes me disbelieve in them as people, and therefore I'm not terribly interested to read more about them.

I'd recommend getting a beta and focusing a lot more on WHO your characters are rather than WHAT they are. Right now, they seem to be collections of labels rather than actual people with inner convictions that drive them. Note that Pratchett's best characters all have a certain something inside them that forces them to be who they are even when it gets them into trouble. Vimes believes in the law; Granny Weatherwax is intensely moral and self-critical because she's terrified of going bad; Rincewind runs (literally) on self-preservation; Carrot knows that people are basically good if given the chance; Vetinari knows that people are selfish, stupid animals. It's those inner things and how they express them that are the most important to a good character, not what they look like or what shiny things they possess or what quirky little habits they might have.

~Neshomeh

Reply Return to messages