Subject: Hmm. Writing style commentary.
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Posted on: 2015-04-14 16:31:00 UTC

I'm going to pluck a random example of this from the place I was at when I decided to write. This isn't a specially-selected example, is what I'm saying:

Lapis quivered in terror when Matt’s Dragonic Backlash sent Giga Bowser stumbling dangerously close to the group. The air shimmered around her again, but she stopped herself before she could escape through the plot hole. In the midst of the overly descriptive action, the disguised Pokémon trainer had begun to notice something.

“I’m a little disappointed that it took me this long to realize this, but… Did you guys hear something… off about the way the canons and the Stu were talking?”

“We were so focused on the scriptfic format we got ourselves into that we didn’t hear anything,” said Sarah. “At least I didn’t. I was too busy trying to reset the format.”

Cupid’s eyes widened a little, recalling how he’d gotten distracted while his partners were arguing. “While you ladies were squabbling and doing other stuff,” he mused aloud, “I noticed that all of the characters were saying their lines at the same time. It was a lot harder for me to notice who was saying what because of that, like so many voices at once.”

Sarah gasped. “I think I know why!” she cried. “The spoken lines were not given separate paragraphs!”


There's something really off about the way you write, and I'm trying to pin down what it is. On the first hand, there's lines like this:

In the midst of the overly descriptive action, the disguised Pokémon trainer had begun to notice something.

Cupid’s eyes widened a little, recalling how he’d gotten distracted while his partners were arguing.

I get a really strange vibe off that sort of thing. I think it stems from the fact that the narrated 'actions' are so... non-physical. You're telling us that Lapis noticed something, rather than showing us her reaction: did she raise an eyebrow? Was stopping herself a reaction to the noticing? Equally, you show us Cupid's action, then explain it. I don't think the explanation was necessary - I think it detracts from the narrative flow.

On the other hand, there's the dialogue. Example:

Sarah gasped. “I think I know why!” she cried. “The spoken lines were not given separate paragraphs!”

Imagine telling someone something, and hearing that as their reaction. It doesn't sound like speech; that's not how people talk. People talk more like this:

Sarah gaped. How had she missed that? Then her brow furrowed in thought. "And I think I know why. It's the Words - the spoken lines didn't get separate paragraphs."

Your line reads as if Sarah had to wait for a dramatic flash of lightning to backlight her, and was expecting the scene to end immediately afterwards. "We must enter the castle - and destroy Dracula!" Drama like that isn't realistic.

And thirdly... how did they not notice that every single spoken line in the scene was said at exactly the same moment? It seems like something you'd comment on at the time, not a mildly strange fact that you'd pick up on later.

I dunno. Just... go read over that scenelet again, in isolation. Can you see what I mean about it sounding... strange?

hS

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