Subject: Elaborating on continuity/transitions.
Author:
Posted on: 2015-03-16 15:14:00 UTC
At long last, Rina gave up and lay on the grass, sobbing incoherently.
I wondered why there is grass at Diagon Alley. It took me some time to realize that Rina and Zeb are still at the edge of the forest, reading the words.
They skipped ahead to the last day of summer and took a much-needed break at Florean Fortiscue’s Ice Cream Parlor.
I assume they are still disguised in the same way they were at the end of Rose Potter and the Chamber of Secrets? And is this mini-Aragog spawned by your mission or by the badfic? I’m quite sure that it should be "Florean Fortescue’s Ice Cream Parlor"
Zeb sighed and opened a portal, waiting while Rina set the D.O.R.K.S. Once they were disguised as a pair of Gryffindors, they headed onto the Hogwarts Express, skipping past pages upon pages of plagiarized canon.
Why do they need to change into Gryffindor students now? Last thing I remember is that they were Slytherin students at Valentine’s Day (well, actually I had to look this up). But then they portalled into the Gryffindor common room, so they probably had changed into Gryffindors off-page, and then changed again into something else off-page, and now they want to be Gryffindors again for no specific reason other than planning to sit at the Gryffindor table after cleaning off the Chamber slime in the Prefect’s Bathroom. (If they couldn’t be Gryffindors at Fortescue’s, because the Sue might have realized that she should – but doesn’t – know these fellow Gryffindor students, they should prefer to sit at another table.)
They followed the class to the staff room, Rina using the D.O.R.K.S. to change them into thirteen year-old Generic Students so they could slip in with the rest of the children.
Weren’t they already not so generic Gryffindor students fitting in there? Maybe they weren’t thirteen years old, but why was this no problem at the hippogriff paddock? The last two applications of the D.O.R.K.S. could just have been omitted and I would have assumed that Rina and Zeb were Generic Third Years fitting in all along.
“Fine, fine, lemme change our disguises first,” Rina said, digging out the D.O.R.K.S. “It’s gonna be cold outside.”
As soon as they were dressed in thick cloaks and scarves, the agents arrived in the sweetshop and Rina immediately ran off to check out the fudge counter.
Wow, they walked really fast. No wait, they probably portalled, but still need warm cloaks because they intend to leave the sweetshop and walk to the Three Broomsticks. I think this could have been made a bit clearer.
The Rose and Ginny headed back to the castle while Sirius and his harem went to the Glen.
Does Rose really deserve an article, or did you mean "Then"?
It wasn’t said until they landed that the ‘strange things’ were dementors, but Rose immediately flipped out and kicked Buckbeak to make him go faster.
Rose, Lupin, and Sirius stood back-to-back in the Glen surrounded by dementors, Lupin and Sirius trying and failing to produce corporeal Patronuses.
Rose tried to make Buckbeak go faster, and then suddenly stood in the Glen? I would try to turn the first sentence around, somewhat like:
Rose immediately flipped out and kicked Buckbeak to make him go faster, although only when they eventually had landed it was said (or "she realized"?) that the ‘strange things’ were dementors.
Uhh, apparently I switched halfway into beta reader mode when I read this for the second time. (In full beta reader mode, I would also read and compare the badfic.)
What was the point of coming out here, other than to let Rose show off?
No criticism here, I’m just curious. What were the dementors doing there? Looking for escapee Peter Pettigrew, because for some ridiculous reason he would obviously want to return to Hogwarts? Or had the Ministry forgotten to tell them that Sirius had been pardoned?
HG
