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I was under the impression that we are still getting a steady stream of newbies

They're very tasty.

...Also, I'm in an open-topped vehicle, moving very fast. I don't know if I like this situation too well.

Right? They're that kind of dinosaur right? (Still outside standing perfectly still and hoping they don't see me.)

And dwarves are better.

Let's find some non-elves! Maybe Dwarves or something.

Currently: Running From Pterosaurs

Seriously, you need to run. I've seen this film, and the pterosaurs gave a Horrific Ironic Death to someone who hadn't done anything to deserve one, it was awful.

Did you run yet? Are you inside?
-I am in a shop now.
-I'm in a huge ornate visitors' centre.
-I'm in a lab and there are men with guns.
-I'm still outside. Come to me, my pretties!

Frankly the only cookies I know of in this setting are the ones offered to people if they will come to the Dark Side; I'm not sure that's really necessary here.

It's probably a good idea at this point to figure out exactly where you are.

Where are you?
-In an open-topped vehicle sitting in a yard.
-In an open-topped vehicle moving very fast.
-In a yellow starfighter sitting in a hanger.
-In a yellow starfighter in space.
-In a disturbingly organic spaceship.

The good news is, I know where you are!

The less-good news is, you've just escaped the Nirnaeth Arnoediad, the Battle of Unnumbered Tears. What you witnessed was basically the final end of Elvish civilisation, and in particular that of Maedhros' army.

The thing is, Maedhros goes kind of off the wall at this point. He's going to be getting quite a bit more murder on in the near future, and not all of it on Orcs, if you know what I mean. (I mean he will be killing Elves.)

So... what do you want to do?
-Hang out here; I'm cool with Elf-murder.
-Go find one of the hidden Elven cities - Doriath, Gondolin, Nargothrond, the Havens of Sirion... yeah, there's a few.
-Track down Beren and Luthien! They're pretty close by, actually.
-Try and find some mortals (Elves are scary).
-Head for the hills; Beleriand isn't safe!

...Can I give him cookies? Pretty please?

The emergency exit's that way! And everyone's not stampeding in an orderly fashion!

Here's what you need to know:

-In reality, pterosaurs were a vast and diverse group of animals, each with its own specialisation. Most were small and incapable of harming humans; the few that could cause you serious problems would probably hunt you on the ground, rather than swooping down at you.

-In the world you've wound up in, pterosaurs are bloodthirsty flying dragons which want to eat your face.

What I'm saying is: run!

-I am running, and so is the screaming crowd around me.
-I am running, but the rusty walkway isn't making it easy.
-I am running, but I think I'm going to reach a glass wall soon.

((Basically, darkish-skinned and quite beardy - what we would now define as Mediterranean or Middle Eastern/Arabic.))

Wait, is this Torchwood? This is Torchwood, isn't it. Oh dear.

It sounds like you've figured this thing out; would you like a job as a Mysterious Voice from Above?

(I'm just kidding; you've been dropped into another universe, I'm legally barred from giving you a job.)

Anyway, how does Anakin look?

-He's an irritatingly cheerful kid.
-He's got this weird skinny braid.
-He's got a big scar on his face.
-He's wearing weird white armour with a cape.

Can I call you MV? I'm gonna call you MV.

So I tried it! I said, "Hi! I'm Deadpool. Also new here. Do you have any chimichangas?"

He didn't give me a name, but he has been swearing at me for the last three minutes. I love meeting new people!

((If my Deadpool sounds incredibly off, by the way, I apologize and will gladly take pointers. I'm having fun, though. ~Z))

Canon: Jurassic Park

You've fallen into a world of science and discovery, of terror and--

Wait.

Did you say dinosaurs? As in... you can actually, currently, see dinosaurs?

Um... are they in a cage?

-Yes, with big metal fences.
-Yes, with shiny glass walls.
-Yes, but so am I.
-Nope!
-Actually, do pterosaurs count as dinosaurs?

How old is he? Has he tried spinning? Is it a good trick?

So, it sounds like you've wound up in the cockpit of a fighter. I'd love to find out more about where and when you landed, but given that you've just magically appeared on top of someone, we should probably deal with that first.

And given that you've just magically appeared on top of someone, we might as well be brazen about it. Say something like, "Hi! I'm new here. What's your name?"

What's their name?
-Luke.
-Anakin.
-Poe.

((I'm annoyed that there are no female one-person fighter pilots who are prominent enough to make this list. Also, reminder that you're absolutely free to name someone else, or give a non-name response.~hS))

I'm playing now, and I'm right on top of someone. Hi, someone! This is exciting. Be my eyes now, latest Mysterious Voice, okay?

Interestingly, the reason the locals look human has never been made clear. Parallel evolution, probably. There was once going to be a book about how they came here from Earth (by time travel), but luckily that got cancelled.

So, good news! The fact that you can easily divide the people around you into humans and non-humans means you're probably not in a war-zone, where there would definitely be people wearing helmets. Hooray! Now let's work on the finer details.

How many people can you see?
-Thousands or more.
-A few dozen.
-About five, and they look pretty sketchy.
-One, and I'm kind of squeezed right on top of them.

Lessee...

-Bad relationship writing: Whether it be slash or het or whatever, writing relationships badly is a quick and easy way to bug me. Out of character characters, total lack of chemistry, go down the list.

Yaoi and ABO writers (I can find no proof, but I firmly believe the two have a deeply-entrenched ancestral link) tend to be guilty of this a lot. For most of the bad writers in this category, their idea of writing a relationship between characters is taking the characters they want to write and crowbarring them into fitting rigid archetypes, regardless of canonical characterization. And the relationships they write are also kinda rapey a lot of the time, which leads me to my next pet peeve!

-Core conceits that are horrifyingly disturbing but never recognized as such: Imagine a world where about once a month, you lose all control of your body and are forced into an alternate mental state. When you return to proper consciousness as yourself, you may find that you have committed horrific crimes against the people you care about, done awful things to yourself, or forced people do to do awful things to you, leaving you memories that don't bear thinking about. This is probably horrifying for you, and makes you really uncomfortable just to think about.

Welcome to ABO, because what I just described is a semi-common interpretation. And yet in the fics that have it, the characters aren't horrified. "Oh yeah, I got forced into horrifically sexually assaulting a person by my genetics. business as usual!"

Most characters in a given canon aren't psychopaths, and many have a common moral ground with the audience. If someone is dating their sister, or the world's been turned into a violent game of bloodsport, or their best friend just murdered someone in cold blood, they should at least acknowledge that this is messed up and disturbing.


...Look, ABO just bugs me, okay?

Currently: not swarthy in the Bragollach/Nirnaeth

Right, I think by now Maedhros should be retreating. I strongly suggest you tag along. Unfortunately, I can't really guide you through escaping a battle - it's not like I can tell you there's an arrow coming, ha ha! - so I'll take my leave for a little while. If you manage to survive long enough to reach safety, I'll speak to you again.

Oh, um... to be on the safe side, if Maedhros or any of the other elves start paying attention to you, you should put your hands in the air and say "Eldameldo." It means 'elf-friend' in the Quenya that your new hopefully-friends speak, and it should tide you over until I can give you something more to work with.

You might need to say it fairly emphatically. And repeatedly. Um... good luck!

...

Oh, hey! You're not dead! That's awesome news, well done.

So... other than the land of the living, where has Maedhros led you?

-To a hilltop fortress.
-Deep into the woods.
-I got captured by Orcs and am now a slave in a mine.
-I got mixed up and ended up following some dwarves home.

((tbh I don't even know what Tolkien means by 'swarthy'.~hS))

Ix starting to come out of her shell was my favorite part about this, honestly—it'll be nice not having her spook every ten seconds talking to other people.

I'll grab Zing to take a look at that bit later. Thanks for the feedback!

I mean, not even a moribund linguistics professor from the 1940s could describe me as swarthy, but it definitely has some capital-C Connotations. Then again, compared to a filthy ginger leaflugged poncey elven prettyboy, I probably count as something approaching mud. So we'll go with that.

Then why do they look human, though?

Oh, uh, yeah, I can breathe. That's a thing. That's a good thing, right, Mysterious Voice?

~Z