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I just don't know what the exact method of mediation was being done and whether it's what I was thinking of.

In any case, if drama pops up again, I'd be willing to help.

I can give it a go, but in that case it'll have to wait until next weekend.

~Neshomeh

First off, thank you for taking the time to comment on my story. I greatly appreciate it.

Now, on to your notes:

-I'm glad you like it.

-The "not driving" thing is not a punishment, but a penance. She might be able to get a new car, but she feels she has done something that she needs to atone for, so she chooses to inflict a little discomfort on herself by means of public transit.

-This story takes place in Chicago. There are things that happened in the Prologue that pretty much spell it out, but nothing particularly identifying in the first two chapters.


Beta Critique:

I notice that when you are trying to beta the stories in this thread that you have a tendency to simply state facts about the story. For instance: "Kim seems very bothered by having been in a fire." That is a fact that is fairly well covered in the text and, by itself, is not really a useful comment. It doesn't tell me if you were confused about something or if it made you feel something. It just kind of...is.

So, what I suggest is that you try to follow the facts with questions, or tell the author how that fact made you feel (and if possible why it made you feel that way). Going back to the penance note, where you almost had this already, you could try something like this:

"I find it interesting that Kim would choose to punish herself when her injuries should be punishment enough. Could you make it more clear why she is doing that?"

Or

"It makes me sad that Kim feels the need to punish herself more than she already has been. You would think that she already had enough reminders, with her scars and hair."


So, here's some questions to help you along. "Kim seems very bothered by having been in a fire." What do you still want to know about that? What can I expand upon or make more clear? What does that fact make you feel?

1) This is one of the types of things that I was getting at with my "social dynamics" question. It's a thing some people allegedly tend to do that's (from the sound of it) not a good thing.

2) Do the people that are allegedly doing this know who they are? Saying that some people are firing off personal attacks might not result in any of the people you're alluding to changing their behavior, because they don't think you mean them specifically.

I don't mean call anyone out on the Board. Email them or PM them on Discord or something. Just let them know, if you haven't already.

2b) Am I included in that comment? I'm Ix's friend, but I don't think I did this, with the possible exception of a few of my actions last March (the possibly is because it depends on what you're thinking of when you say "attacks"), which I've apologized for.

More generally, if there's something about the way I'm acting around here that isn't good, please click my email above and let me know. This general comment goes for everyone who reads this. I'm hoping I won't get any emails, but I'd rather know if I'm giving off a bad vibe now and not in the middle of a massive drama.

- Tomash

What you mentioned is, as far as I know, a thing that typically happens here on an informal basis. A small subthread of the March stuff proposed formalizing this type of arrangement. That never happened, either because people thought it wasn't necessary or because the proposal got lost in the noise.

This is the part of the post where I float the idea of a list of people willing to help resolve disputes, and Nesh or doc point out that it's been on the Wiki all along.:P

- Tomash

Maybe to address the bad behaviour problem in the future, we could have someone talk to whomever was acting badly. They could ask that person questions, such as why they're doing this particular thing, how they felt at the time doing it, why they feel that way.

This is something I thought about because as tempting as it is to just call out the person like they're bad people, I think we can solve problems with less vitriol and less drama.

This may be just an obvious solution and if this was something already being done, I wasn't quite sure.

I've corrected the mistakes.

There is a Cafeteria in HQ so they went there for food.

Canopus' mobile has an app that lets her summon demons and use their skills. As it is reliant on Canopus remembering to keep it charged, it can stop working. Also, using the skills drains some of her own energy so she can't keep it up forever.

Canopus is still a low level Hunter so isn't the strongest person out there.

I'm having trouble focusing on how the story is made. I keep getting lost in it. Very good.

Kim seems very bothered by having been in a fire.

I find it interesting that she would feel the need to be punished by not driving. That's something that she has control over, unlike the scars and her hair that she seems not to want to think about.

Sorry. I like this story, but I'm having trouble being constructive about it.

I keep wondering about what city she is in, but I have a feeling that it's supposed to be the every-city from the Matrix instead of a specific one.

I'm sorry that I was overly forceful over email.

I would like to try and find a way for us to be friends.

The lighter shade of gray was clouds, also the rain was a hint.

Ventilation plotholes are my invention, I think.

The trail of Sue-blood seems like something almost standard in the hallways. Janitor story. I think I'll re-work that part.

The concrit being made of fossilized words, I once read a story where a pair of agents decided to break through the wall into the next RC over to make a mini adoption center. I remember that they could hear the concrit that the wall was made of.

Kitty Eden summed up the Dirk Gently method for me nicely.

I have a feeling that most agents don't notice much of anything in the hallway, except for other agents.

I'll work some more on the characters, or at least Daniel. The woman is supposed to be a bit underdescribed.

I think the last time I tried to read Dirk Gently was when Douglas Adams was still alive. I didn't like it, but I remember so much, like the sofa.

I acted appallingly. I see that now. In trying not to do something rashly and out of anger, I ended up doing something far worse, and for far more callous motives. You may rest assured that I will not do anything like that again.

I looked up Bingle and Finch, but still didn't find their descriptions, except that one of their voice sounds like a cheese grater. The mention of the vending machine is familiar.

I can work out that Finch is a type of machine, and that he hovers. Somehow I mixed up which one was Bingle and which one is Finch. I know you point it out more than enough, so maybe a picture would help.

"‘Oh, dear,’ Bingle commented, taking his hands down. He watched and frowned as Finch fluttered awkwardly through the air, spurted hissing wind from his vents, tapped against a wall and rebounded like it had kicked him. " I feel like this sentence is too long. I do like the imagery, though.

I especially like the succinctness of slow, complaining pinball.

"‘It would be more durable, Finch, you know.’

‘Oh, shut up, Bingle.’ "

I like the play where Bingle seems very irreverent and Finch is fed up with it.

The explanation of how Bingle lost his memory last time and then says, "I think I would remember that," is still pretty funny.

Yeah, I need to rework the ending. I didn't want to leave them in the story, and I didn't want to kill them. I also don't want to recruit them for myself. Miguel was TimeJumper's IRL friend, and it seems wrong for him to be an agent.

I don't want to kill the Sues, but I don't want to recruit them or leave them in the story either. They were going to be sent to the OFU.

I need to rework the ending.

I think also that Kelly needs to snark at them more.

I'm also thinking that Kelly and September need to be split up. They don't have inter-agent conflict either.

I think the fic did give me enough detail to work on with the deduction, maybe not with them arriving. I'll work more to flesh those out.

Hmmm, I think perhaps I'll rely on September's unreliableness to question the lie.

I do need to work on the ending some more, maybe work in the deletion. In the original draft, I had the Sues sent to the OFU. I kinda don't want to leave them in the story, but I'm also not recruiting them for my own use. Miguel was TimeJumper's IRL friend, and it seems uncomfortable that he's an agent.

Hmmm, another intelligent Pokemon. I don't think we've got too many yet.

It's interesting that both agents are pranksters.

Hmmm, the grammar on your first meeting seems pretty good. I noticed a few mistakes. "I only work with people only a mission. "



Lawsuit feels like a better story. "food’s worse that what I had in Tokyo" I thought that agents didn't get paid at all.

I would like to hear a bit about your agents' abilities and how you plan to use them. We get a good demonstration of Shadow. It seems like more than "lol, I don't need a disguise generator." Does Canopus' cell-phone give her any special abilities? I am concerned that her training will just allow her to wail on Sues without being in danger.

In some semblance of order:

-All apartment showers are terrible. It is known.

-I was thinking minor burns on the face, which might be mostly healed by now. The major burns were where her clothing caught fire and her skin was in almost direct contact with the burning material. I should do some more research and see if I can improve this description.

--Also, hair doesn't need to be in direct contact with the flames in order to scorch. Being too close to fire can lose a person their eyebrows without them suffering lasting damage to their skin. That's kind of what I was going for.

-You are right about the hour earlier thing. I think I'll just change it to 10-15 minutes early and have her take a longer shower.

-I'll take classic. Classic is good. This is me trying my hand at the horror/mystery genre. Something like you might find in Supernatural or some Doctor Who.

-You would understand the line from the news if you had been given the Prologue. It involves a man named Samuelson. This does also come into play later.

-Hyphens are hard. I'll have to watch that when I go back to edit.

-"Too much trivia" is a personal failing. I do tend to go on. This is why I need betas; to tell me when I am getting long in the tooth.

-KC does have a tendency to forget that "Then" happens. But she isn't damaged to the point of self-absorption. She was self-absorbed from the start. That's what got her into the accident in the first place. She was driving drunk.


You've given me a lot of really good notes, and a lot of things to think about. I hope you'll have time to go over Chapter 2, as well? If not, no big deal. I appreciate the level of thought and effort that went into what you've already given me.

I will not be officially closing the Concilliary, or participating any further in it.

hS

In no particular order:

-From the way Chapter 1 is written, it seems like KC should be doing everything an hour earlier than normal. She specifically decides to get an early start, and nothing you describe seems like anything she wouldn't do normally. But this seems to drop out later; she says it was 'just like any other morning', even though she is now out at dawn (per the description) instead of an hour after. It's a little thing, I know, but it felt like it was going somewhere... until it didn't.

-It feels like the description of her injuries is inconsistent. It's been months since the crash, but the burns still need gause over them? And yet she hasn't permanently turned the shower down to cooler (possibly this indicates she just has an awful shower). She also doesn't have burns on her face, despite her hair scorching back to something less than shoulder-length.

-I assume the local-news line KC half-hears is relevant in the unwritten portion. It's a fairly classic mode of foreshadowing.

--In fact, 'classic' is a word I'd use to describe the whole piece. A classic nightmare/flashback sequence drifts into a classic sitting-bolt-upright, and then a classic morning montage. You've then got the half-heard news media, the commute during which she sees someone out of place... it all feels like you were deliberately aiming at the feel of a particular genre of movie, and if so, you hit it spot-on.

-Look out for your compound words. I've spotted "work appropriate" (should be 'work-appropriate'), and I'm not flagging up many hyphens on a quick skim of the rest, so I suspect you've missed a few.

-I feel like you sometimes drift into 'too much trivia'. Take a look at this:

KC leaned forward to look up the track for her train. It was just coming around the bend and would reach the station in about a minute. When she turned back, to wait for the train, she felt like someone was watching her. She couldn’t shake the feeling

There's a lot of information in there, but most of it we don't need. What we need to know is that a) the train is coming, and b) KC feels like she's being watched. Something like this: "KC glanced up the track - her train was just coming round the bend - and then turned her attention back to the growing feeling that someone was watching her."

--Actually, your 'she felt like' etc feels... off. It doesn't seem to come from anywhere - it's as if KC just stepped into the next picture in an album. "And this is where I felt like someone was watching me." You've got a few others further up; notably, I don't think she actually walks anywhere in the entire chapter, other than a 'started toward'. (No, I take it back - she 'returns' once.) Still, it feels like... I don't know. Just strange.

--That said, since you're working in third-person limited, this could be a KC trait. It would imply that she's focussing very hard on the Now, to the exclusion of thinking about transitions. She doesn't give off a feeling of changing, because she doesn't want to think about changes - which ties very nicely back to the fire. Checking your second paragraph again, she does seem to be working through frustration at the fact that Then keeps intruding into Now.

-In general, KC comes over as damaged to the point of self-absorption. She's doing her best to pretend the fire never happened - she covers the wounds to keep from feeling them, she cut her hair, she hasn't bought a new car - but along the way she's descended into herself to the point that she doesn't exhibit any emotions at the news, doesn't register the differences in it being an hour earlier, etc etc. She's smothered her feelings about the fire to the point that she's ended up smothering everything else, too.

If that's the sort of thing you're going for, you could definitely heighten it. A simple and sneaky way to do this would be to strip out every emotion, right up until (late in Chapter 2) she sees the stranger again. Cast everything else either as logic, or in the passive voice ("It was as if someone was watching her"). Obviously if you're not aiming at this, then ignore this advice. :)