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I'm going to do this one a little differently from the other one I've taken a look at. Mostly because...I have a hard time reading this one.

There are several reasons why:

1) The "Mister X and Mister Y" thing that you've got going on means that, in this short piece, we hear the characters' names about 300 times. When that happens, the names lose all meaning and stop registering as words.

2) You have a tendency to repeat bits three or four times in close proximity. This gets monotonous and bogs down the whole thing.

3) Speaking of monotony, Finch has as many lines featuring the word 'Bloody' as he does without it. I understand wanting your characters to have distinct voices, but this goes a bit far.

All of that together makes this one hard for me to get through. You have taken all of these things, which are not bad in moderation, and used them to an extreme.

So, that's what I've got. I'm sorry I can't get into more specifics about the story.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLzpXciijjA

~Neshomeh

I guess it's feeling pretty wound-down now, but if you've got something to say, you might want to do it before the discussion is officially closed, assuming that is a thing that's going to happen.

~Neshomeh

So I certainly appreciate all this stuff, don't get me wrong! But I feel it needs more meat to it, y'know? What makes the banter interesting, as you see it? What is it about the fact that it's slice of life that you find interesting, and why is that a good/bad/whatever thing? Why, specifically, was it you liked the amnesia bit? Does it fit with his character or you can relate to it or do you find it funny or someone did someone pay you to say that, et al?
That sort of stuff! A lot of statements and opinions, but it'd be real cool to see sort've where they come from or why you think of them like that, y'know? Not that betaing should be a big bad essay or anything - just, whatever comes to you, y'know?

Just know that we'll save that spot in the bin if you ever feel like stopping by.

-Phobos

Now I just wanna know this, because it's a puzzle.

I'm pretty sure the Board is on US Eastern, because I'm on US Central and it's one hour ahead of me. If the Discord logs are on Central, per Tomash, that puts your comments in Discord at about 2:00 pm EST on the 16th, Alleb having posted at about 1:30 pm EST, and everything starting off with Ix's goodbye message in Discord at about 10:30 am EST (9:30 am CST). I'm informed the 1:30 pm (actually 13:33) timestamp on the screenshots is EST, too, so that still puts everything fairly close together. EST is GMT -5, so for you those times in order would've been 3:30 pm, 6:30 pm, and 7:00 pm, respectively.

It's still possible that something in there is wrong, but I don't think so. Even though the Discord logs only say "Yesterday," that's from the perspective of having been captured and posted on Friday the 17th, so should be Thursday the 16th.

That aside, though: You say none of what was happening with Ix or the Discord influenced your messages to July. I'd find the whole thing less cruel if it were sparked off by concern as opposed to having been stewed over and meditated on for days prior, but okay. In that case, I'd like to restate my requirement for your promise that it won't happen again to anyone else. Going off in the heat of the moment is one thing, but this, according to you, was not that. So, next time you're thinking about doing something similar... don't do it. Take the time to not say cutting, hurtful things instead. I believe you can do that.

~Neshomeh

It's interesting, this, in that you mention that there really doesn't seem to be much 'good' input or criticisms or whatnot within the story. I know a lot of people seem to have that sort of issue - they can't really find anything real big to talk about and saying 'Oh, I liked that bit' feels wrong, to them. I mean, I've had that problem a few times, anyhow.
But in spite of that, there's still insights you've put in that are really useful, you know? You mentioning your interpretation of Bingle's character really is quite useful, because it lets me know that I've been playing him right, making people think about him what they ought to think about him. And if that interpretation was incorrect or off - well, then I'd know I'd buggered, oy?

The fact, too, that you not only mentioned you appreciated the noise descriptions but also why you appreciated them (entertaining, don't get it much, et al) is, too, very helpful, both for the charming swelling noise that is my ego growing slightly larger, and for letting me very specifically know what I did right and how it went right.

So, yeah, in general - thoughts and insights on things are real bloody useful, even if they're not pointing out big criticisms, or any such things. And saying you like things and why you like them is jolly good, too.

(And, you know, the Mr. Handy thing is pretty close. Just imagine all those apparatuses coming out of the descendant of a vending machine from a dark future where nobody really likes vending machines much, except as places to deposit graffiti and take out youthful fury on with a cricket bat.
I certainly need to get onto that description game, anyhow, even if it's only got to be a single added sentence, or such!)



*This is not a sexist term, as betaman is simply short for betamanager, a position all genders can, and, frankly, should strive for.

It's all gotten terribly linear, hasn't it? ^_^

Convoy-S is in sensor range of Tango 3. It can't use its thrusters next turn, but can repair either the wedge or the hyper generator.

Convoys N and C avoided attack. They can maneuver next turn. Be aware that the enemy are aware that the convoy isn't where they thought it was, though they don't know where it is. Their bridge plots are covered in probability cones. :)

Thornbird is coming up behind the enemy, and has two missiles in the air; either of them can reach Tango 1's destination hexes, though neither can reach Tango 3's.

hS

"I would like to recommend the following course of action. Convoy-S should break toward the Hyper Limit, and get to work repairing. They can coast the rest of the way, bring up their wedge when the time is right, and get out. The other Convoy ships should stay on course and begin repairs; shields and wedge are priority for all ships.

As for us, get another missile in the air heading 4 by 35 by 9 (ending at Convoy-C starting position). Bring our other bird around to due East (ending one hex West of Convoy-C starting position).

Also, bring us about hard and burn Northeast. I've already dispatched a repair crew to get those thrusters back online.

"And launch a second one to where Convoy-N is! Send us due north and tell Convoy-S to accelerate to the SE!"

I'm fairly certain that those posts to which you linked - which, again, are things that I deeply regret and for which I am sorry - were at one a.m. GMT, rather than US Eastern. Is that the five or six hours behind one? I can never quite remember. In any event, I assure you that I was in no way influenced by what was happening at the time with Ix; that would be far crueller than I am capable of being.

The Matt thing, well, I thought it was only a few days before. Time compression is a thing; I know for a fact that my fiancée (still get a thrill saying that tbh) can say "the other day" and mean a time period ranging from the other day to upwards of three months ago, and if anything I'm worse. =]

As to what I meant by "This obviously hurt July far more deeply than I ever intended", well, I wasn't under any illusions. Losing a friend hurts. Having someone cut ties with you hurts. I just... never thought it would affect her as badly as it did, and for that I can only apologise and know it cannot and will not be enough.

You have one launched missile, which you can use to hit anywhere in the enemy's destination hex. If you don't start moving, you're going to be essentially out of the battle, though.

Convoy-C has been hit, and lost its wedge (which was already lowered). Convoy-S has also been hit, and lost its hyperdrive. Convoy-N evaded attack. (There is an error in the diagram: Convoy-S should have its shields back.)

But.

The only convoy ship visible on enemy sensors right now is Convoy-S. They also saw the missile strike on Convoy-C, but crucially, have no way of telling which ship it was. Because Convoys C and N accelerated, breaking formation with Convoy S, Convoy-C is now where the enemy expected Convoy-N to be.

In other words: the bad guys have just lost tracking on two of the three convoy ships. If Convoy-S can get out of sensor range (remember, it has 1 hex of maneuvering this turn; the other two have none), the enemy will be completely unable to find them.

hS

Also, that's an awesome picture of the Grand Canyon.

Also also, the article on Princess Mako says Emperor Akihito is considering abdication? I wonder why? And for that matter, why isn't the Japanese Emperor allowed to abdicate? I guess it's a holdover from back when the Emperor had way more political power. Any Japanese political history experts, feel free to weigh in.

Although saying that I can't do today between 5:30 and 10:30 (possibly later).

I'm not up-to-date on my Buffy canon, only up through season four. From my perspective in the timeline, I'd say you have Joyce's voice down absolutely perfectly, but Buffy's, I'm not so sure of. The last I remember of Joyce doing any dating, Buffy was rather resistant to it, so it feels a bit off for her to be supportive and encouraging about this. Then again, part of her reservations in that episode were sensing something wrong with Joyce's boyfriend, and again, my lack of newest info in the canon may make this criticism irrelevant. I do think the overall interaction, with Joyce teasing Buffy with information and playing on her assumptions, is spot-on between the two of them.

I did catch the neutral pronoun usage, so I guessed the reveal early on. (Although my very first initial guess was that Joyce had gotten a pet of some kind, until I reached the phrase, "about my height.") More importantly, though, I think your characterization of Buffy, not noticing the pronoun game and failing to imagine her mom as interested in women, is true to Buffy's direct and stubborn mind in canon. And again, after the reveal, the dialogue between Joyce and Buffy feels right for the way they tend to interact in the show. Buffy's reaction to her mom being bisexual is realistic, and Joyce acting proud and just slightly smug feels right, too.

I was initially pretty confused by the choice of Hermione's mom. (Do we seriously not have a name for the parents of one of the Golden Trio? I'll just call her Granger here.) Then I thought I understood it better, but just now realized I'm still at least a bit confused. The fact that Granger introduces herself as "Monica" seems to indicate that this is taking place during Deathly Hallows, when Granger's mind has been charmed by her daughter. If that's the case, though, Granger shouldn't have any memory of her daughter, and also calls to question where her husband is. This made me briefly think that this is meant to be an AU where Granger lost her daughter young and left her husband, except Hermione was the source of that name—unless you're using that name as a stand-in because SERIOUSLY HOW DO HERMIONE'S PARENTS NOT HAVE NAMES. Except, then you would go Monica Granger, since we do know the surname, at least . . . Ultimately, the confusion caused by these details, as well as the suddenness and brevity of the closing paragraphs, weakens the ending for me. I suppose if this were an actual, published fanfic, there would be a continuation where the reader could glean more details, or at least an author's note explaining how Granger got here. As it is, it feels like a quickly thought-out twist to throw on the end for the sake of a surprise.

Also, Buffy's thoughts in the middle of Granger's dialogue should be moved to their own paragraph.

"Thornbird! Adjust Missile Launch Vector! Line Laser Arrays! TARGET TANGO 1"

Tactics hits several buttons, with targeting reticles quickly appearing and lining up with the ship. "All clear sir!" He says.

"FIRE!"

Before the dust clears, the Captain barks out some more orders: "Get that Decoy back up. Convoy! Prioritize your repairs on your shields, send yourselves NE on thruster power!"

Tango 2 has been destroyed, Tango 1 has fixed its lasers but lost its shields. Tango 3 has three missiles on the field - one streaking pointlessly off to the north, one able to hit Convoy-N if the convoy doesn't maneuver, and one able to strike any of the convoy ships if it can guess their location right.

Thornbird is currently stationary, having fired its lasers at Tango 1. The convoy maneuvered slightly and then all ships lowered their wedges; the enemy currently knows their location, but will lose them off sensors fairly soon. Note that Convoy-S can't maneuver again this turn, while the other two can.

hS

Kaitlyn and I have the DVDs for one through... three? Four? I can't actually remember what even was happening. Something dramatic, at any rate.

May have to look up the next one and see if we can buy it...

hS

I'm not sure if any of you watch this excellent little show, but it looks like there's going to be a sixth season! Personally, I'm delighted that I'll get to see more of Joan's wonderful fashion sense (and by extension, Lucy Liu's lovely face). Yeah I'm shallow.

Also the King of Netherlands news make me laugh incredulously, so there's definitely that