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and weighed it thoughtfully, smiling a little at PitViper's words.
"Yeah, rule one of first aid: do not add to the number of casualties. I remember. Thanks for this." She slung the bat over her shoulder and grinned at SttQ, trying not to show the fact that she was starting to get rather nervous about going out there. "We should find out if it's OK to go out first, and if anyone knows when the... drat it... Ypurs will arrive. If it's soon, no point. If it's going to be a while, though..." She scratched her head. "Do either of you know who would be best to ask? I'm guessing Edward."

Guess I could've done a better job explaining why the story was bad. One of the big problems I had was that I couldn't find an unsporked version, which made it hard to get the full awfulness of the story.


I also should've done more research on Kingdom Hearts. All I know about it is that it's a video game that merges Disney Canon and Square-Enix. I figured since there were centaurs in Fantasia, it would be legit.

So, yeah. More research and clearer reasoning behind fic badness. That being said, probably gonna stick to my balliwack now. (Buffy Badfic all the way!)

"One person in each group should probably have a wifi device. It's up to you guys to decide who to go with. If anyone finds something interesting or needs help, call the other group through the wifi devices. If there isn't anything else, let's meet on the other side of the building." said Kyoki.

Picking up her stuff, she started off in the direction that seemed to have the most spambots hefting an explosive in a menacingly eager way. Shortly after, a series of sharp popping noises filled the air.

Neshomeh summed up my feelings on this mission pretty well when she said "I didn't really get a sense of what was so wrong with the fic (other than turning someone into a naga)." Speaking as someone who's read Naga Eyes without the benefit of the 'Saltines and Sprite' MST treatment, I can say with authority that is not a problem you should have with this text. You needed to make it more clear why this fic is so bad, be that through quotes or agent reactions.

Explaining what vore was right off the bat could have helped. The story you used was okay, but for something like vore you need to be blunt.

I enjoyed the first few paragraphs, don't get me wrong. But this could have really been improved had you just set it aside until you had the time to really flesh it out.

Also, there are no centaurs in Kingdom Hearts.

PitViper glanced around. "I was taught not to take unnecessary risks as a first aider. Can't help anyone if I'm the one that needs help. You two be careful, there's no telling whether you'll run into those things." She tossed her cricket bat to Galanfea. "Here. It'll smash a spambot just fine, and there're no bullets to run out of.

Basically good but for the sorts of things that not rushing and/or getting a beta would fix, but I didn't really get a sense of what was so wrong with the fic (other than turning someone into a naga).

Also, I'm not familiar with Kingdom Hearts, but are there centaurs in that 'verse? The only thing I can think of that would make sense is the ones from Fantasia, but you didn't really describe the disguise other than saying it was taller than Caroline, and it confused me.

So as not to end on a negative note, I will add that the bit about the second-hand weapons cache run by a pack of apathetic teenagers was particularly amusing. Partly because in HQ, it's probably true. *g*

~Neshomeh

Congrats on sitting through that story! I couldn't make it very far...This is a short mission, but there was only so much you could really quote without making the mission an equally disgusting read.

May I be so bold as to point out some typos?
-"The two of them had spent a lot of together..." is missing "time."
-"Tadkeeta's business-like tone had soften a bit..." should say "softened a bit."
-"Maybe she was more emotional around people she more familiar with," should be "...she was more..."

It is ninety-two degrees here, the air is thick with humidity and the ozone layer is at ground level and trying to kill us all. But within my head, molecular motion has nearly ceased.

Lleu opens his eyes and finds himself in a completely different place — What is this?

There are people around. Maybe some of them know what's going on. He attempts to get the attention of the nearest person.

"Um, excuse me — I think I was...asleep? Where are we?"

It was a dumb mistake, but crawling into a hole because you called me out on it doesn't help anything. In any case, if it had been someone else who did something that dumb, I would probably have been much, much meaner than you were about it.

"It's a good thing we aren't agents, or they would have short fuses," Elemarth commented, only half joking. "I was more concerned about whether accidentally getting in the Ypurs' way would result in temporary inconvenience or me getting trampled. But I'll just try to avoid the issue entirely and not find out. I'm ready. Tell me when." She hefted her pole. "I guess we should probably split into two groups to check the building. Then, we'd each go a different direction and meet on the other side -- faster that way. I hope everyone's in the bunker -- I doubt anyone's doing rescue operations right now. Anyway, how is the connection stuff doing? Are you guys ready?"

"That looks pretty good. And the fuses are exactly what I've coded them as, and if anything they tend to have longer than intended fuses. I figured it'd be better wondering why they haven't exploded yet, compared to being surprised by an early detonation." said Kyoki wryly. "And I'd heard from somebody that the Ypurs were bringing med supplies, so keep out of their way and leave them alone."

"Now that we're mostly set, let's make a circle of the bunker to check our camera coverage and clear out some bots. Eventually, I want to start demolishing some of the nearby empty buildings to make fortifications, and to lay down some kind of EMP field to give us some breathing space." said Kyoki while she gestured expansively.

"How's the connection process going?" asked Kyoki.

"Okay, is this enough cameras? And explosives? By the way, do these ever have short fuses? Where did that pole go... Ah. Okay, and I do need some kind of short-range weapon if there's a spare, or I can just stick really close to you. Or..." She weighed the pole and nodded. "I'm sure I can swing the pole at them. It might not be the most convenient weapon, but I'm sure it would hurt even a spambot, so that should be fine, too. So I'm ready.
"Except, what about the Ypurs? Are they friendly to use or neutral? I mean, how much do we have to worry about not getting in their way?"

"I've got some very special stuff for the source of these things... And I'm looking forward to finding it quite a lot." replied Kyoki. "Once you and Silikat are set up, could you give me an idea of where else we need to stick stuff and where we should go to blow stuff up?"

To Elemarth, Kyoki asked, "Do you need any more cameras and explosives? And would you like another 10 foot steel pole? I know I saw one lying around in the area."

Elemarth came running again. This was the second time in one day, and though she hadn't had to run far this time, it took her a moment to catch her breath again.

"Sorry, had a bit of an emergency elsewhere. I think it happened in sympathy for the Board. But I'm back now! So this is our whole group?"

Kyoki nodded. "Do you have any close-range weapons?"

"No, sorry, I left everything back at the Board." She winced. "I might be able to pick some of it up, but I can't count on that, and I'll need something until then. Does anyone have a spare Frying Pan of Doom or anything? I guess a gun would work, too, but my aim isn't great." She grinned. "I can't wait to kill spambots!"

Niely said. She began to scan for a network with her DS. "Now that I'm connected I can look at the cameras any time as long as I'm in range of the signal.

Finding the source is a good idea, but I've heard rumors that it isn't even in the city. The source is probably far away, but when we find it, I hope you set up an explosion the size of Alaska!" she said, matching Kyoki's smile.

Just saying.

I have agents Allison, Tasmin, Steve and Emma who can leaned a name to the faceless crowd. Or was that face to the nameless crowd?

Tasmin's not much of a party person. The others can enjoy themselves without making snide remarks about the probability the marriage will fail.

Kyoki said happily, "And for the record my name's Kyoki, that's probably way more helpful than just calling me hey you!"

"As for the cameras, they're already networked with each other. So all you need to do is to stick them up and connect your wifi devices to the network. At the moment, we need some people to keep an eye on things about where the spambots are heading." Kyoki said while patting the cameras affectionately.

"Once the cameras and the perimeter are set, wanna try to find the spambot source and blow it up?" she said with a maniacal smile.

"Hey, I knew this thing would come in handy for something other than DVDs." Silikat grins, peering inside the bag of explosives. "This is gonna be fun..."

holding up her gun, "care for an escort? If PitViper can manage without you, that is," she added, looking at the other girl with some degree of concern.

"It took me a bit over half an hour to walk here. Allow another quarter for getting lost and if we have to hide... an hour and a quarter? Maybe less now that I know where this bunker is - it took a little while for me to find it before."

((OT: Apologies for long delays - I'm posting between classes :) ))

I know how you feel about moving. And I'm pretty sure no one will get mad if you change departments, but I'm just a n00b here, so I could be wrong

"I have a Wi-fi device, maybe you could set the cameras up to it? I'm no techno wiz but it can't be too hard." Niely said, pulling a DS gameboy out of her bag.

" And if the spambots get to close I'll shoot them." She said with a gleam in her eye. " I wont be running out of ammo any time soon, I've been stockpiling for awhile."

"How much time do you think you'll need to get to your house and back?"

" I'll Take a red one. And I'd love to help stick up cameras." said Niely. She picked up her shotgun and took a pipe bomb from Kyoki's bag. Turning around to Kyoki, she asked " Hey, what's your name? Mine's Niely"