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Yet another new recruit to our ranks. *happydance* Here's your official Frying Pan of Doom^TM and some chocolate-covered almonds. Enjoy.

Why, hello there, Simon! You remind me of this guy from Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann...

So, have a mecha! A giant mecha! That shoots really hot stuff!

This is actually my second post, the first one being giving highly dangerous and powerful sci-fi weaponry from an obscure fandom to another new guy. And isn't that what PPC is all about?

Here, one of the Hypometric Weapons from Revelation Space 'Verse. (Note, only use in extreme circumstances, the danger to yourself is usually not worth the risk)

Before I fade back on to TV Tropes and the PPCWiki, I'll say this: I really need to work on the name.

Catch you all later!

That...oh, god...

I hope it's just a parody. If it is, it's done its job of scaring the fratz out of me.

Here, have a mechanical dagger that automatically tracks Sues and kills them! Kinda like a homing missile.

Makes sense ;)

Feed it only Generic Meat.

Welcome to the PPC. Since you have an eclectic taste in music, have an eclectic guitar. I think it will suit you.

They intended only to kill the British Muggles, but it killed everyone else, too.

But wouldn't the Irish wizards ally with the other wizards to protect the magical community as a whole? And why would they make a plague that kills themselves along with the rest of the world?

This may be the first living person I've heard of to be racist against Irish people.

I think it might have helped that I knew basically nothing about Gorillaz, so both in-character (for Logan and Kern) and out-of-character there needed to be some explanation of who this funny green-skinned guy was.

I had a lot of fun MST'ing this, by the way.

Elcalion

I agree that the Star Wars EU is a ridiculous mass of info to keep track of. It's almost a shame SW is so popular, because of all the franchising it suffers from.

Anyway, have a lightsaber cheese slicer (pocket sized for convenience and, yes, blatantly stolen from Family Guy) and a cooked leg of Gamorrean to feed to Anikin.

It's been a while, though, so I've forgotten most of the details. The one thing I do remember is that it was well written, even if the plot was slightly odd. I'm not going to second the nomination for Bleepfic because I don't have time to read it again, but I do see your point on plot-killing. The whole Hermione Crouch thing was strange. And disturbed. -sighs- On the other hand, I really do like some of the author's other work, notably the Garden Gate one and the one about the painting Lily.

Anyway, I have my own nomination to put forward.

The story is called Platinum and Diamonds, and it thinks it's a Harry/Draco slashfic. I say thinks because the author has apparently chosen to create a new species, as far as I can tell, of magical creatures called concubines. It's inherited. Draco is one. Because ages ago, a Malfoy mixed his blood with a concubine to increase the beauty of the family. Concubines must be owned, thus Narcissa basically sells Draco to Harry, of all people, to save him from Lucius. -sigh-

To make matters worse (though I can't see how you'd need to), this entire thing seems to be an excuse for the author to include constant scenes of Lucius and his 'cronies' raping Draco. Graphically. It also features Lucius calling his son 'it.'

So, to sum up, we have an uncanonical and highly disgusting species of magical creature, Lucius abusing his son in a graphic and disgusting manner, Narcissa handing Draco over to Harry for no reason that I can see save that the author wanted this to be H/D, Draco calling Harry master even though being a concubine has never before altered his thought process, and Harry seeming to be okay with the whole owning Draco thing. -headdesk. repeatedly. wanders off in search of something a whole lot stronger than bleepka.-

As an aside, this is the first mission undertaken by Sarah and Elaina, and one of the reasons for the tension between them. When I finally finish writing it (it's taking forever because I can't deal with the 'fic long enough to kill it), I hope things will make more sense.

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5510372/1/PlatinumandDiamonds

--anamia

Oh! That ties into James Sirius causing the apocalypse. Here's what happens. JS plays a horrible prank on a Muggleborn girl. She withdraws from Hogwarts and exposes the Wizarding World to the Muggle news in revenge. The resulting scandal spirals into a three-way war between the British Muggles, the British Wizards, and those nasty, nasty Irish Wizards, during which the Muggle British army invades and massacres Hogwarts, including now-Professor Neville. In the end, the Irish end it by manufacturing a magical plague that wipes out humanity.

All because Harry and Ginny DARED to get together and have kids.

...is Neville getting killed by a flamethrower. Because A) Neville has been through enough already, and B) why is there a flamethrower in Harry Potter?

That's their patented gender-neutral pronoun.

Have fun! :)

You never know when you will need a pineapple. Treat it with absolute seriousness.

Unlike everything else around here ;)

Nice to meet you. Welcome!

That's quite a rant. You've most effectively scared me off ever reading it. Ouch.

Also, interesting shorthand; "S/h/it" - was that intentional? These are the times I long for the number-neutral "they" to be commonplace...

Oh, that would be interesting. Many of us neglect to mention our newbie gifts in our missions - must remedy that...

To answer your question, I have no idea. The wonderful thing about the PPC is that nothing is defined until you say so. I was picturing something like a deformed set of handcuffs, just without any chain parts; something that can be used to smack 'Sues unconcious fairly effectively, but it's up to you. :)

I thought I'd present a "gift" to the PPC to "celebrate" the acquisition of our new category of awfulness, the Bleepfic, and boy is this ever one!

It's The Golden Age, a Harry Potter fic. I will start out by saying that the author is a pretty good writer, at least as far as grammar and spelling are concerned. S/h/it does seem to enjoy J.K. Rowling's prose style (though not her plot) and does a pretty good imitation of it. But good grammar is no excuse for the massive amount of canonfail.

Next to those fics that actually rewrite the entire books, this is the biggest piece of wish-fulfillment crap I've ever seen come out of the Potter fandom. It's hardly Potter at all, it's the characters' names tacked onto a soap opera cast, with lots of rape, idiotic abusive men, paternity scandals, and that sort of thing. It's blatant fanservice for the author and no one else, essentially. Running down the main badficcy points here:

* To start with, there's Dumbledore. In canon, of course, he's kind of a manipulative bastard, but he's a wise, deeply regretful manipulative bastard with a lot of demons he's trying to atone for. This fic tosses out the atoner part. It's heavily implied, for instance, that he did not send Harry to the Durseleys because he had a blood ward spell tying him to Petunia (the canonical explanation), but because he hoped the Dursleys' abuse would drive Harry to suicide, which would also kill Voldemort... or something. Never mind that Dumbledore COULDN'T have known Harry needed to "die" to kill Voldemort prior to the fourth book, and would have no reason to plan it from that early. Adding to that, it's ALSO heavily implied that there was a way around the Prophecy (something never even SUGGESTED in canon), and thus Dumbledore was a dick for no reason at all!
* Of course, where we have Monstrous Dumbledore, Saint Snape can't be far behind. Snape endures a bizarre POSTHUMOUS Woobification; apparently, nobody cared about him enough to go looking for his body before the little animals got to it. Ick. From his headmaster portrait, he's also a whiny mope who throws hissyfits at Harry and harps on Dumbledore's portrait.
* This is another author who just doesn't get that BLOOD PREJUDICE IS RACISM, okay. It turns out, oh no, Muggleborns don't actually exist! Where do they come from, then? Well, that's even more disturbing than the race-fail. It seems most "Muggleborns" are actually the result of Pureblood wizards raping Muggle women! What's more, the Ministry has a secret department whose job it is to catalog these rapes but do nothing to prevent them! Apparently, Hermione is actually the daughter of Mr. Crouch, and Lily was the daughter of a long-dead uncle of Molly's. Oh, and Lucius has a rape-baby, too!
* Speaking of Lucius, despite being a known rapist, the fic paints him as an extremely sympathetic character. Oh, he WASN'T actually a Death Eater in book 2, and didn't know about the Horcruxes; he just thought the curse on the Diary was a harmless prank that would embarrass the Weasleys at school. Poor old Lucius...
* And of course, there's the Weasleys. Arthur's okay, it's very rare you see evil Arthur, but Molly is now an overbearing stage-mother obsessed with getting Ginny awards and the like and domesticizing Hermione to make a good wife to Ron. Has anyone here seen the Willy Wonka remake? Remember Violet's mother in that? That's essentially Molly's new personality. Oh, and she was already pregnant with Bill by sixth year. Ron, of course, is now slovenly, sexist, and borderline sociopathic. He'll do anything as long as it's funny, including ruining Hermione's books with a prank flower than shoots water. The author specifically stated that she changed his personality to this because she personally does not find pranks funny. Oh, and he's a pedophile. Last we see of him, in a chapter set post-epilogue, he's run off with Oliver's teenage daughter. We don't see much of Ginny, but we're told her relationship with Harry is completely fake, to please her mother.
* Hermione is a grade-a witch (with a "b"). Marietta Edgecombe commits suicide because Hermione "accidentally forgot" to remove the pimple hex, and when Marietta's mother comes after her, Hermione mind-rapes her. She also accepts that she's a Crouch, even changing her name and FORGIVING all three Crouches through their portraits. In the end, she becomes pretty much a clone of Umbridge. Except on drugs. That she bought from George. Really.
* Harry is a boor-headed war veteran who is always stuck in his glory days and can't accept that they're gone. He and Hermione have drunk sex sometimes.
* Then there's Jane Rochester, an OC and descendant of "the two fictional characters who have never disappointed me," says the author (and bearing both their names; yes, THAT Jane and THAT Rochester). She basically exists to infodump about how horrible the Marauders were and be a git to the Trio; it's quite apparent, however, that of all the characters in the fic, she is the one we're supposed to side with above all others. And she can revive the dead through some weird time-paradox-y ritual.
* And watch out! Here comes John Wellington Wells from Gilbert and Sullivan's "The Sorcerer" in a random cameo!
* The author seems to have something against the Irish. Irish Wizards are portrayed as bloodthirsty religious fanatics who sacrifice their own children.
* There is a chapter called "Harry Potter and the Midlife Crisis."
* Neville is flamethrowered to death.
* Hermione is randomly gored by a unicorn.
* And in the final chapter, it's implied that a prank from James Sirius (son of Harry and Ginny and therefore the spawn of Satan) will indirectly destroy the Earth in the near future. Yes, really.

But I've talked too much. Here's the link for any prospective claimants:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3682339/1/TheGoldenAge

Don't say you weren't warned...

Whatever it ends up being classified as, I am very glad that someone is willing to tackle these awful things. I am sure somewhere out there, there is a good songfic...but I haven't found it yet.


(totally irrelevant and off-topic, but I just now finally watched Avatar! Great movie!)