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Oh, boy. That's not an expression of exasperated disbelief—okay, it is, but I am also addressing you as the misguided kid I assume you are.

Listen, girl. It sounds like you're getting all your ideas about sex, specifically between men, from a certain class of fanfiction. And you know what? Liking that stuff is fine. I ain't here to kinkshame anybody. If you and your hypothetical partner wanna role-play like that, and you're both equally into it, and you know how to do it safely, sanely, and consensually, that's great! You do you.

Thing is, though, fanfic is not real life. If you approach the kink in real life the way the pe—

... the way the hu—

(Deep breath, Lemony, you can do this.)

... the way the caricatures characters in those stories do...

(Got there!)

... wait, what was my point again?

Oh, right. I have several. 1) HEALTHY relationships are founded on good communication. 2) The sex acts you like to perform or have performed on you have nothing to do with your value as a(n) [insert gender/sex/orientation here]. 3) There's no such thing as an "alpha" or "beta" or "omega" in real life—no, not even in wolves. Do not get me started on wolves. And 4) "expressions of power through sexual dominance" is not how decent human people behave toward people they care about!

Unless, of course, it has been thoroughly discussed beforehand and everyone involved has given their enthusiastic consent, secure in the knowledge that they can use their safeword and end the scene at any time. That's different.

So. Before you lecture me on my level of sophistication again, maybe you wanna read some stuff that wasn't written by Coneheads purporting to represent actual human behavior first? Better yet, pick up some proper literature on the subject of sex and sexuality. Don't be shy: curiosity is normal! Please, for the love of little green apples, PLEASE explore outside the shitty relationship box!

--Lemony

(( Well that got longer than I intended. Sheesh. Lemony has Opinions On This Topic. But this shouldn't surprise anyone, since most of them are mine, too. Just with more condescension and sarcasm.

(( Anyway... yey. ^_^ I'll post the next bit tomorrow, probably. I gotta look it over again, and it's too late to mess around with it right now anyway.

~Neshomeh ))

Have a suit of genuine Imperial Guard flak armor, mantel of choice for countless heroes! I hope you enjoy yourself on this board.

You exist in the shared universe of St. Elsewhere, thus you only exist in the snow-globe of an autistic boy. I am your writer, and you will obey me.

P.S. I've never seen St. Elsewhere.

How absolutely adorable.

However, while it might but cute, it lacks all sophistication. It feels unrealistic and fake. This isn't what two men would do with one another. Or even one man. What I'm saying is, where's the uke, the alpha in this relationship? We all know that men are obsessed with hierarchy, and this is well-depicted in most Yaoi, and particularly well in ABO. But in your work, much like that trash Umibe no Etranger (worst $15 I ever spent on a manga), there's no hierarchy at all, no expressions of power through sexual dominance. It's unnatural. Not how I'd write the ship at all.

((...And for a moment OOC where I stop lying, I totally and completely love this story, and Thoth is about as IC as it's possible for him to be in a story like this here, and it's cute and adorable and basically great, and everthing I said up there is the reverse of everything I think. Including the bit about Umibe no Etranger, which I haven't finished, but has been pretty decent as Yaoi goes so far.

So yeah, this is amazing. Thus, if I do this ship, I'll do it in a way that is brain-bleachingly awful.

~Thoth))

I am a veteran of the Last Great Time War, a conflict that spanned dimensions and the very essence of time itself. I watched timelines been born, age, wither, and die in the blink of an eye, orders and battle plans swallowed up by hyper-entropic decay, and entire platoons gamble their existence based on intel valid in only a fraction of rapidly-shifting timelines. I do know quite a bit about narrative laws yanking the carpet from under me; however I firmly believe that the universe owes me a break for once and can concede about an hour a week for riflery and PT.

Or maybe I'm old and set in my ways.

-E

shes' Illian's grilfriend, right?! i tohughts anderlights were like snails or sumfin, and i'm SURR THeyr'e blu.

Faolan Marrok Randel Lycanis of House Lycanis, first of his name, the Untamed, Prince of the Forest and Werewolves, Lord of the Preylands, and Master of All He Surveyed, was having a bad day.

His sixteenth birthday was fast approaching—the time when he would be expected to take a mate. There were plenty of noble Beta girls that he had his pick from to be sure, but none of them excited him.

No, what he really needed was an Omega, but such creatures were rare and highly prized, for good reason. The pups born by an Omega were larger, stronger, and much more fit to rule as heirs.

Of course, nobody had found an Omega for centuries.

Faolan sighed and pulled on his fur cloak, trimmed with gold. He would take a walk, maybe go to the human village to clear his head. His parents would drive him mad with all the planning and festivities surrounding his birthday.

The heir to the throne, come of age at last.

Besides, there was a strange pull drawing him to the village, which he was finding difficult to ignore.

Faolan didn't expect today to be any different from all the other times he'd visited the human village, but when he arrived, he realized the village was decorated with streamers and garlands of honeysuckle flowers. He grabbed a passerby to ask what was going on.

The boy noted the fur cloak and the wolfish cast to Faolan's face, and bowed his head in reverence. The werewolves were the rules of men, for they were faster, stronger, and longer-lived, and in return for their benevolent rule, the humans would pay tribute every month. The village where they were now frequently sent tribute to Faolan's hold.

"Passing through, are you, sir?" the boy said. "His Lordship's son, Charlus Webb, is turning sixteen today. We're having a festival to celebrate."

How funny a coincidence might that have been! Faolan smiled graciously and inclined his head in thanks. Perhaps he would pay this Charlus a visit.

Faolan went to the house and was ushered in. It was nice enough, for a human dwelling, though it couldn't compare to the grandeur of his own holdings. At least the humans here remembered their place.

He didn't have to wait long for Charlus to come greet him. The boy was pale, with handsome, sharp features and thick raven hair that fell ever so nicely over his eyes. The draw was stronger now, and Faolan realized the irresistible magnetic pull was coming from him.

Normally, it was considered improper to shake hands with a human, but he had to see... just this once.

Their hands met, and a brilliant golden glow surrounded them, a wind stirring around them. Prince Faolan and Lord Charlus felt flashes of white fire in their chests as the soulbond settled. They stared at each other.

"Hello," Charlus said breathlessly.

"Hello," Faolan said back, equally lost for breath.

"What is the meaning of this?" Charlus' father sputtered. "What happened? What did you do to my son, werewolf?"

Prince Faolan drew himself up to his full height, towering over the other man. "You will come back to our hold," he said, wrapping an arm protectively around Charlus' waist. "Where I will introduce my mate to my parents."


A/N: Yay! Okay, here it is—my first attempt at a soulmates fic! Be nice and leave nice reviews, and I'll give you lots of cookies!

What will happen next? Will Prince Faolan and Lord Charlus have to deal with the species gap? Will Charlus' father get in the way of their Love? Will Prince Faolan's parents approve of the bond? Find out next chapter!!

Please have a pot of black-hole coffee.

And yeah, I'm repeating what others said at this point, but parody and humour were the basis for the PPC, and always are. Who knows, maybe you'll want to try more once you've written more.

Anyways, welcome.

Delayed gratification is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

And it is better, yes!

None of the Oldbies are evil, because they're in charge of the PPC, and the PPC is good. Therefore, none of their agents are evil either.

I'm sure Jaycacia thinks she's in charge of the PPC, but that's just what S.P.U.D. want her to think...

((So. I was going with namesake agents, obviously wildly misinterpreted in the case of Kaitlyn and "Juliette"; looking up whether Delta has a current self-insert was too much like hard work, so I badficced it up and invented one. ^_^

((No idea who the other 8 former members of in-universe S.P.U.D. would be. Who else was here early on, had an agent named after them, and stuck around long enough to become an oldbie? I was going to say they've kind of gone out of fashion, but given that my own Agent!hS only exists because I signed up to appear in Suedom, I'm not sure they were ever much in fashion. ~hS

((PS: And now if we slip up and accidentally reveal our actual plans for domination, they'll all think it's a reference to this. Eeeeexcellent.))

*sticks a bumper-sticker to you*



I'm not usually a welcome-wagoner, but the Board's been kinda quiet lately. Don't want you to think no one's home!

Like Ix said, humorous, parodic deconstruction is precisely what PPC missions are all about! If that's your game, you are in exactly the right place.

If you'd like some suggestions for spin-offs to read, I have a handy list of ones I think do a good job of introducing the general tone and style of good PPC stories, and show off a wide range of departments. Let me know if any of the links don't work; I haven't checked in a while.

Again, welcome, and make yourself at home! Feel free to jump into the Badfic Game if you're so inclined. All you need is a badficcer persona to role-play and you can have fun in the comments even if you don't write a badfic yourself. ^_^

~Neshomeh

Not Huniesoron, I know he's an aelf and I thini he;s the same person as agent Ilian. vY does every1 think he's inc harag of the PPC, tho? if u read JayBird's stories, u should KNOW it's the SO and JAycacia! LOL.

Kaitlun is kewl. Hobbits r so cue!!!

U chouls b vareful woth Juliete, tho. I think she might b a bit of a Sue with that blue haor!

IDEK about the other 1. Is she evil?

XOXOX

(( So like, these are our Boarder selves, somehow in charge of the in-universe PPC? *gigglesnort* Took me a while to figure out how to respond to this one. I love the attention to details from the wiki. ^_^ ))

It feels really nice speaking to you again. Hopes life has been treating you well so far and in the future.

Speaking of plans, I stumbled on some fantasy webseries where narrative laws are pretty much a divinely enforced thing: Ever considered constantly switching plans? Rules say the first step is always a success, so constantly having a first step going could be the way to go. I mean, if a magical tyrant can base his own rule upon this idea...

/offers you a piece of dark chocolate bark - or white, or milk. Your choice!/

Scroll around, check out the Badfic Games, volunteer to beta-read something! There's lots to do. ^^

For your newbie gift, have a key. I don’t know what it unlocks yet, but you’ll find out.

Hello, and welcome aBoard! For your newbie gift, take this plate of freshly-made SPaGhetti!

If you haven't yet read them, may I point you towards the Original Series and the Constitution? They're pretty much the only required reading around these parts. Another useful resource you might use is

Hello, everyone. My name is Jacob and I would like to become a part of your community.

I found the PPC through TVTropes a few months back and became interested in it after reading the original series. After thumbing through most of the wiki and seeing all it had to offer, I felt like this was a place I would want to hang out in and decided to join the boards.

What I mainly hope to contribute is this place is, besides having someone else to converse with, is providing feedback and partaking in your activities. I might have a bad fic or two I'm willing to suggest that might be of interest to you.

I suppose the big question you're wondering is if I want to try my hand at writing for you fellows. Truthfully, I'm kinda on the fence about that. I do have some characters I've toyed with re-purposing for use here, as well as an idea or two for interludes, but my primary creative interests lie elsewhere and my writing would take quite a while to get done. If I do ask for permission, my stories would all be humorous or deconstructive parodies at most. I really don't do serious writing.

Thanks for reading all this and I hope I can fit in well here.

Fandoms: Mario, Sonic, Mega Man, Sword Art Online, Strike Witches, Dragonball Z, Super Smash Bros, MCU, Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt, Star Ocean, Neptunia, Another Code, Touhou
Favorite Characters: Ashley Robbins (Another Code), Neptune (Neptunia), Mario, Sonic
Lust Objects: Jessica Robbins (Another Code), Vert (Neptunia), Reimu Hakurei (Touhou)

I have posted comments within it. I do wish I had more actual criticism to give, honestly - you've got really good stuff, here!

I was actually initially planning on giving you permission because I thought that this just, was your permission request, at first. Aaaanyway, know that you're probably pretty close to getting it!
Doing good work, mate!

I'm genuinely excited to see more of these two fellas.

THE HARRY POTTER UNIVERSE EXISTS WITHIN THE PPC, I CAN POST FANFIC OF IT HERE, JUST LIKE I CAN LABVE;L X-FILES FANFIC UNDER ST. ELSEWHERE.

My friend JayBird wuz hacke d 1ce. HAckers SUCK.

GTFO HACKERS!!!

XOXOX

Many say that the most secretive location in PPC HQ is the HQ Pool, which can only be found by the deserving, possibly after a night of heavy drinking.

They are wrong.

Those few who are in the know say that the most secretive location is the former headquarters of the DIO, hidden behind an invisible door, down passages painted all the colours of the Suvian spectrum.

They, too, are wrong.

Only four know the location of the true most secretive location, and they are the ones who gather there, once a year. They arrive at different times, in different ways, with nothing in their garb or manner to tie them together. They approach the circle of thrones, a dozen sepulchral seats picked out by flickering spotlights.

Eight of those chairs are dust-covered, and the symbols embossed on their backs are dull now. The arrivals nod respectfully to them as they pass, and assume their own seats in the ring.

Huinesoron speaks first. He sits, tall and grim, perched on the edge of his seat, his long hair laser-straight in the still air. "The Action Departments have proven troublesome," he says in his perfect British accent. "The Aviator continues to be difficult to control, and with the Sunflower still under Agent Thornbyrd's influence, I have had little luck with him."

"We could have her transferred." Neshomeh Soul adjusts her glasses with one long-fingered hand, peering over them like the archivist she is. Her fuzzy sweater stands at odds with her haughty expression. "The Administrative Departments are firmly under my thumb; the Marquis would do whatever I asked."

Huinesoron purses his lips, but shakes his head regretfully. "I'm afraid she would simply refuse," he says. "We don't want another Swan's Egg incident, do we?"

"Certainly not." Juliette has one leg draped over the arm of her chair; she fiddles with a mechanical gizmo while she speaks, stopping only to push her electric blue hair back from her face; despite this, she is perfectly focussed on the discussion. "The Infrastructure Departments under my control had enough trouble cleaning up after the last one."

Neshomeh coughs pointedly. "I think you'll find most of the work was done by the DIA," she says, "which as a security department," she carefully enunciates the description in lowercase, "falls in my Admin domain."

Juliette smiles thinly. "When the Tiger Lily listens to you over me," she says, "I may accept your allegation."

Neshomeh sits up, scowling, but Huinesoron raises his hands for silence. "I will find a way to deal with the Aviator," he says. "Perhaps we can send her to another mission liable to get her pregnant."

Kneeling on her throne, the hobbit Kaitlyn Jackson nods emphatically, setting her long wavy hair bouncing. "Or she could get married," she suggests. "It worked with the vampire and the werewolf."

"Indeed." Huinesoron favours her with a smile. "Sourcing that love potion to bring them together was an excellent idea."

Kaitlyn shrugs, and tugs her waistcoat back into place. "The advantage of dealing with the Ancillary Organisations," she says: "They're excellent at thinking outside the box."

"Provided they don't get too uppity," Neshomeh points out. "The League of Mary Sue Factories, for example."

Kaitlyn fixes her with a hard stare. "And whose domain did the Mysterious Somebody fall under?" she asks. "I'm positive it wasn't mine."

This time it is Juliette who raises her hands. "There's no point arguing over the past," she says, and the others settle down, for the past is a touchy subject for Juliette. "We are here to determine the future of the PPC, at least for the next year."

"And so we shall," Neshomeh says. "Shall we officially start the meeting?"

"Always the archivist," Huinesoron murmurs. "Very well, then: I hereby call this meeting of the Society for the Procuration of Ultimate Dominion to order..."

-=-

Authors' Note: The PPC was created by Jay and Acacia. Since their abandonment, however, it rightfully belongs to the Oldbies, who we hope will take this hint and exert their proper authority both in-universe and out.

Voldemot isn’t cyte, so he doesnt get to be turned int sumthin cute. Hes evillllll, it doesn’t make any sender for himm to be cute.

(“Sender” in case you wondered, was what my spellcheck did to a deliberately mangled version of “sense”. That’s too weird to leave out.)