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I wonder how this got into our Board! Maybe you should crosspost it over on ffnet's 'Harry Potter' section?

That sounded SUSPICIOUSLY like an OOC OPINION!

... I almost miswrote that as 'onion'. And now I want an onion.

In any case, carry on!

((I'm joking, I'm joking. XD I tell you, I am TERRIBLE with sarcasm. Or text-exclusive joking. But I shall try anyway, because I love you all! ~S.M.F.))

Dusk should worry about the Sue, though!

Maybe it absorbed Agent Cheyenne...

Toth and Gal are most ineresting!

I do like it when the shy meets the bold~ And I might steal that 'undepressed' line myself!

Would you write this the same if Thoth were a girl, though?

If this had been with any two characters - guys, girls, neither, mixed - I would have loved it just as much!

Though, that IS a problem: it might be too general in its love potency!

I eagerly await the next instaullment - but, like, what if Thoth is aro as well (instead of???) ace? Sometimes those feelings just aren't THERE, y'know?

Hairy Potter would nevr turn Voldemont into scropions, becaue scroptions ARETN' CUTE. obvously.

NEway wasnt' Darco Malfoy's middde name Scropio or somethin???? sure i remember sthing lik that!

~JB~

I'm gonna do this in the style of one of those funny scenes from it! Then you can SEE where the badness lies! =D Or if it's even badenss at all...

[Insert obligatorily obnoxious scene divider here.]

So, there was a rare Young Wizards badfic - bad in concept, not just unbeta-d, which is worse IMO - and the Sue used the PERIDEXIS as an in-fic EXORCISM TOOL.

[Explanation of the fic 'Spark' - oh wait, is hating on other 'real' fics out-of-bounds??? I'm sorry! D8]

So the Agents had to perform their OWN exorcism - but it didn't work! Not on everyone! How do you neuralyze a near-abstract being??? Canon snapback can't take care of everything, right? We don't even know what the Powers think of the Flowers! Oh, we're getting off track...

But there was - gasp - GLITTER RESIDUE! So the Agents had to perform a TRANSPLANT of CONSCIOUSNESS, and the resulting person had to go to Medical and FicPsych!

[Insert depiction of Angst here - because of course! No one's put a twist on the Oath like THIS, I'm sure...

Peridexis: /wry note of complaint and insight on fic author
Author: /pushback and HINT AT CRUSH
Peridexis: oO]

So now we have the CANON peridexis and PPC AGENT PERI. Innit GREAT?

Thank you for your time. ^^

For your information, our acronym comes from the Latin, because it is classical. The Latin word for Oldbie is 'vetusbie', and as you may know, the Latins always wrote U as V, so in American that would be 'uetusbie'.

Obviously.

-signed, the Societatum for the Promotionem of Uetusbie Dominatus

((With thanks and apologies to Google Translate! :D))

S.P.E.W.! Society for the Promotion of Elders Winning! It's canon-referential AND all the words fit the acronym AND it sounds exactly as ridiculous as it is! It's perfect!

--Lemony

I imagine Ix and Charlotte will have a bit of a workload when they get back from their fun. :P

And yeah, the stuff about wandless magic comes off of Pottermore—wands are largely a European invention, and African and Native American wizards still stick to wandless magic. Students from Uagadou like being able to get away with deliberate magic by claiming it was accidental ("I was just pointing at him, I swear I didn't mean to turn him into a newt!"). I imagine it won't be easy getting over the idea that you need a wand to perform magic, though, so Ix won't be lobbing fireballs anytime soon. :P

I did intend for that to be 'to' instead of 'on'. The actual mistake was 'placed' instead of 'pressed', so I'll go fix that now.

Thanks for the review!

Like, sure, Spud is an actual word, but olbie doesn't start with a U. Check your spelling, mate.

~~A_u**

PS: also, why would you want to be called after a potato? What do oldbies have to do with potatoes? Do you think they all really like French fries, or something?

...mmm, French fries...

I do love how the variety of characters in HQ can lead to such simple character-driven events that are nonetheless compelling for being mostly dialogue. This interlude was a good example of that.

I liked the Reader's attempts at poetry, too. It's always tricky having a character write something like that, and I like that her poem had a functional rhyme scheme, but was still noticeably bad. I also liked your description of her art later, too. You got across what it looked like without, you know. Actually knowing exactly what Naya's name in Gallifreyan would look like.

The ending is what I imagine making plans in HQ must be like, too: all ready to move to the next stage of a project, and the BEEP goes off.

All in all, you fit a lot of simple goodness into such a short piece. Well done!

—doctorlit, fighting to stay awake as he types

The Society for the Promotion of Oldbie Dominion is pleased by your recognition of Huinesoron's importance and leadership. Obviously you've understated his significance somewhat, but in a setting which has long ignored him entirely, your story stands out as a masterpiece of the genre.

Please continue, and ensure that you continue to promote the S.P.U.D. agenda.

Wow. That badfic sure had a lot of weird little idiosyncrasies to it. I'm impressed you were able to keep the mission itself so short and readable. I'll have to keep that strategy in mind for when I have to deal with a long, complex one.

Oh, Flowers. I love their lack of understanding about humanoid emotions. I'm sure for them, it's perfectly reasonable to assign work in between a wedding and honeymoon. They must see all three as tasks to be checked off a to-do list, so why not interject work in between the fun ones, eh?

I like that you brought up the lack of wand use by African wizards, since that's traditionally been an automatic charge for PPC agents. (I assume that's new info off of Pottermore?) And I loved Ix's instantaneous packing to make sure they got away before another mission could show up.

One possible typo:
"Ix caught her hand and placed a gentle kiss to it, smile widening."

I've usually heard this phrase as "placed a kiss on it" rather than "to it."

—doctorlit, familiar with the canons this time

I luv how voldemor turned into scorpons! One thin: this is ment to be ppc fic, wheres the ppc in this.

(I’m probably not writing anything, but this is too much fun to miss out on altogether - Snowblaze)

Bcuz Jay and Bird mean teh same tihng,so that maks them homophones, rite?!?! so im' not aloud to read your storu? witch is a shame bcus it looks GOO.

JB

Lots of stolen moments of ducking behind tents at the festival to snog, dancing to the Harpers' music, and going to the beach to swim or just lie in the sand and nap.

It's a very well-deserved vacation. :)

A/n: What it says on the tin! I had a ton of fun with this one, guys. Hope you love it! Remember to leave me lots and lots and lots of comments **blows kisses**

obvs I don't own any of this its the ppc I'm just playing with it~ pls dont sue! Or Sue :P

PS: all the chapters they go into are from Partially Kissed hero by Lionheart and they're read. I can't make this stuff up!! Each piece is a different chapter. Enjoy!!! r&r? :)

The Many Partners of Jacques Bonnefoy (for the Legendary mission we know is coming!!)

Of all things, Jacques Bonnefoy thought, the last one he’d expected when taking this mission was to come face to face with the Queen of England.

“Ma’am,” he greeted. He was almost surprised when her response didn’t include the name ‘Captain Harkness’—but then, this wasn’t exactly his world, was it?

“Are you, perhaps, from the Queen of Wonderland?”

Jacques made a face. “No, ma’am. Uh—consider me…well, I’m a British citizen. I think. I—”

“Duck,” one of his partners advised him. He did so, and the story took over.

“I really don’t like this,” muttered the third of their number. He was noticeably Welsh, male, and young, in his early twenties. “Are you sure we should be right here?”

“Come on—you don’t want to see this mess for yourself?” The man who’d told Jacques to duck slung an arm around the Welshman’s shoulders. His accent was the slightly odd offspring of Received Pronunciation and Welsh with hints of Scottish poking through; he was also in his early twenties.

He also looked very much like Jacques, if only Jacques had still looked twenty-four himself and had grown his hair out a bit. Jacques had found out far earlier on in the mission that he was actually French; he’d first looked appalled and then laughed himself breathless when Jacques had switched to French with their prompting.

The Welsh-accented man, meanwhile, shook his head. “Not especially. Why do you?”

His friend shrugged. “Well, I’ve never seen it before…”

With a sigh, the Welshman turned to Jacques. “He’s always like this, you know.”

Jacques raised his eyebrows. “Did you want me to do something about it, Ianto? You’ve known him longer; I’m just his non-wizarding counterpart from another Headquarters.”

Ianto opened his mouth…

*

Jacques opened his eyes, confused. What had he…? Why had he…?

“Finally,” said his temporary partner. His name was Derik; apart from the heavy scarring on one side of his face, he was incredibly handsome. He was also just about the straightest guy Jacques had ever met, which was a complete and utter shame. “What happened to you not needing much sleep?”

“Time distortion,” Jacques said. “It’s weird, but true.” He stretched. “How long was I out?”

Derik raised his hands expressively. “You’re really overestimating my ability to tell time in this mess.”

“True,” Jacques said. “Well, let’s get moving, anyway. What’s up next?”

“Something to do with Hermione, loyalty, and…Stonehenge? Harry carrying a hospital’s worth of potions? I just skimmed it.”

Jacques made a face, and offered Derik a hand up. Derik stood up on his own—really, really straight, Jacques reflected.

“Well, then—let’s get going…”

*

“Mmph!” Luxury stumbled. Jacques caught her—easy enough to do, given she’d already been well on her way to pressed up against him. “What was that?”

Jacques tore his attention away to check the Words. “Uh—oh, wow. Treelawney just went thirty years into the past. Welcome to…what is it, 1963?”

“Eh, whatever,” Luxury declared. She pouted at him. “Are you sure we can’t lose the robes?”

“…actually,” Jacques said, once he’d had another quick look at the Words, “we can.” Luxury gave a gleeful whoop and pulled away to yank hers over her head. “But we do have to keep Muggle clothes on.”

Luxury narrowed her eyes at him. “You’re kidding, right?”

Jacques shook his head. “Believe me, I wish I was. But at least it’s fewer layers…”

Luxury pouted, and stuck her hands up his shirt the moment it was accessible.

*

“Not even a little?” Jacques asked. “Really?”

Agent Supernumerary folded his arms. “Really. Not even a little.”

Jacques sighed. “This would happen. You’re the hottest person I’ve seen all day, and you go and turn out to be straight.” He paused. “I really, truly, seriously can’t tempt you? I mean, you’re gorgeous.”

“And now you’re mocking me,” Nume informed him, and turned away.

“No, no no no,” Jacques protested. “Not in the slightest. Haven’t you ever looked in a mirror?”

Nume went deadpan. “No.”

Jacques groaned. “And you’re sarcastic.” He sighed. “We’re really going to have to sit through Harry’s dragon abuse with no distractions, aren’t we.”

Nume looked suddenly horrified. “No distractions? No! Definitely not. I can’t take that. We’ll just have to—”

Jacques raised his eyebrows. “Yes?” he prompted, trying not to look quite as excited and hopeful as he felt.

“Read books like the agents of the PPC that we are,” Nume finished dryly. He pulled out Les Miserables and began to read, completely ignoring Jacques.

“Right,” Jacques said, “of course. Nice.” He lay back, wishing he’d thought to bring a more interesting book along…

*

“But how can you be straight?” Jacques demanded. It was a fair question, given he was staring himself in the face.

The other Jacques shrugged. “Same way you can be…what are you, again?”

“Omnisexual!”

The other Jacques raised a sceptical eyebrow. “Is that even a thing?”

Jacques groaned and put his head in his hands.

In the background, Treelawney-via-narration was explaining a complicated, unnecessary, and frankly despicable plan which resulted, of course, in Harry turning out to be even more fit (and trained as a child by Bruce Lee)…

*

Jacques raised his eyebrows. “And who are you supposed to be?”

The striking…well, he thought her hair was brown, but it also seemed kind of golden—the young woman, anyway, looked rather offended. “But of course you know who I am!”

Jacques crossed his arms. “I really don’t.”

“But everyone knows me!”

Jacques smiled. “Tell you what—why don’t you introduce yourself, and then I’ll know too!”

The woman pouted, and then shook back her hair. A safe distance away, Harry, Hermione, and Luna lectured on about werewolves and the Ministry’s treatment of them. “My name is Jaycacia Thornbyrd.”

Jacques’ smile gained dimples. “Charmed, I’m sure.” He offered his hand; when she placed hers in it, he brought it to his lips. “I’m Agent Jacques Bonnefoy—but you—”

“Already know, yes.” Jaycacia looked only a little mollified, but she giggled when he kissed her hand again. “Oh, I can’t stay mad at you!” She batted very long eyelashes at him. “I just love your eyes.”

Jacques took a step closer, and then another. To his delight, she let him place her hand over his heart. “And I love y—” He froze.

Jaycacia frowned, and caressed his face with her free hand. “Jacques? What is it?”

Jacques yanked her hands away from him and took several large steps back. “Oh, no. No, no, no—I’m not doing this, I’m not—go back wherever you came from! I’ve already done my time in love with a Sue, I’m never going back—”

Jaycacia’s beautiful eyes filled with tears. “But I love you!”

“No!” Jacques insisted. “Get lost!”

He portalled her away before she could finish opening her mouth. Then, with the badfic almost completely forgotten, he set off to find a drink.

*

Gall was weirdly perfect, Jacques reflected. Oh, not in a bad way—not at all a Sue way. Not her. But she was…

Well, amazing, really.

“Come on!” she was exclaiming now. She’d looped her arm through his and was…well, the only reason she wasn’t pulling him along was that he was keeping pace. Rather easily, actually, given his legs were longer. “This may be the stupidest badfic I’ve ever missioned, but at least the breakfasts are good.”

Privately, Jacques didn’t fancy their chances—it was a badfic, after all—but out loud he said only, “And why are we going to need breakfast so urgently, Ms. Knutson?”

She punched him in the arm, and he fell the slightest bit in love. “It’s just Gall. And why wouldn’t we need breakfast?”

“I’m sure I don’t know,” Jacques said. He casually drew closer as they walked; she didn’t move away. “I can think of some great ways to spend the energy we get from it, though…”

Gall gave him a calculating sidelong look from her light blue eyes. “You know what?”

Jacques smiled. “What?”

Gall smirked. “It’s a good thing my partner’s not here. He can ruin a mood in seconds.”

Jacques grinned, and ignored the narration’s babbling about Harry’s new and calculated interest in things like ‘charming his own cheese’—which wasn’t even a euphemism. “So there’s a mood here, huh? Well, we’ll just have to make the most of it…”

--
((I'd be completely open to writing a sequel/second part, with enough inspiration. I know this somehow got skewed pretty heavily towards Neshomeh's characters--it just kind of happened.

Got someone else you'd like to see tackle Partially Kissed Hero with Jacques? Let me know! With luck (and any interest), I'll put them in a second part. ~Z))

(((Also, I had never considered Jacques/Gall. Turns out, I actually like the idea quite a bit! Who knew? Wonder how a meeting between them would go with her written properly in character, though, seeing as I went for the good old badfic games standby of 'aim for recognizable but don't worry too much'...)))

Omg, gay guys are like so hot, am I right?? Siriusly (lol) good stuff there, I loved it sooo much! Write more plz! <3 <3 <3

I like the relationship fluff and the possible translations for Larien.

The Sue is utterly ridiculous.

This is rally good! But the itaalics mke it hard 2 read? Sumbody told me how 2 do them b4, bt I 4get.

Also the Sunflwore Occical and Jaycacia r in charge of the PPC, not Hunecoron! LOL!

I totas want a Rave Speer! It sounds so kewl! XD Can my Agent ARurora have 1?

XOXOX

(Scene music: Immortalized, bty Disturbed)

So great was the MGIC FIRE the engulphed the bnttlefeird that Harry Potter, undeputed LORD of MAGIO, could hardly breath. But he pushed on, trought the fire and flames, toward his final goal: the DARK LORD VOLDEMORT, the mainiac Harry world prove to be only the second most powerful wizard in the world. He blaimed himself for the triumph of the dark lord four years ago, and he knew he could have stopped the magical hell he brought upon the world. But he could break his reighn, and undo all of his workds, and prove himself the ulitamate wizard.

Harry Foreced himself throught the fire, making his wat ti the hill where the DArk Lord stid, surrounded my sis chosen warriors, inkoking his dark final ritual, one that would make in dominon complete. As harry crested the hill he could lay etes upon those things that lay beyond the ege of reality , those things that the Dark Lord wourld gain finar power from.

Harry called forth grate magiks and the chosen of evil were engulphed in green firem, lleaceing ofly the dark lord as Herry;s fore. Tnhe man whp had once been tom Riddle turned to Potter, and realized his fate. If he released his concentration upon his spell, those creatures that lurk world feast upon him, but if hid did nothing, Harry Potter would surely take out his great and bloody vengeance upon him. He could only stare with wide-eyed terror as Harry brought forth the mighty spell he had perfected upon the Dark Lords lesser liutenants...

As the unkowable creatures returened to their fell demensions all that remained oif the man who wanted to be a god was a pile of scorpions.

Definitly in the sprit of the PPC, a wothy edition to canon!

..But isnt agant hunsorn gay? I thougt a clear canon scolar like you would clearly know such a transoparent and oblivious fact.

I've been working on finishing "The New Recruit" in the time between Badfic Games. See? I do things with my life. Unlike you. Anyway, stay tuned, it'll come out soon.

-Nightmare