Subject: I can literally smell the self-insert.
Author:
Posted on: 2014-09-23 21:56:00 UTC
And it smells like s**t.
At least you know how to paragraph. That's about the only redeeming thing this pointless waste of time has.
-1/10. You've reached a new low in my eyes.
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((Continued from Chapter 4 below, because I'm fed up of being at the end of the thread. ^_~))
A/N: OMG! Tehre are ppl reading tihs who DON KNW WHO JAYCACIA ISS!!! Tahts UNBELIEABLE!!!! ~(Izimax&- you NEAD to read teh othr sotries on my bio like RITE NOU. Tehyr really goo.
kk so tihs next bit wuld hav been reely intresting but hottestly I cant' be bothed to write it so iLL sunnerise:
So Aurora tells Jaycacia that she's her biggest fan and then Illian says that no he is and then they fight a little until Jaycacia tells them that they can both be her biggest fan and then they kiss (eech othr not Jaycacia LOL). Then Supernumberary asks how Jaycacia is still alive because she went to the beginning of the universe and she says that the power of the Starflower kept her alive but it also kept the evil Spies alive so she had to fight them for thousands and hundreds of years until they were just bones and dry leaves (teh ones she was wapped in!!1) and they died and she was all alone. But then Illian cast his spell and called her back (yey!). And then Al's Waiter asks why she isn't a Flower any more (b/c he was sneakretly there when she truned into teh Starfowler!) and she says that the power of the Starflower came from the beginning of time and once it went back there it could never leave, but she could separate herself from it and so she did.
kk so tahts wehre we ar. soz abut not writin taht bit but righting is HARD.
Suddenly Jaycacia looked mournful. "The battle was hard and long," she said sadly, "and it has wounded me in more ways than you know. I have news - news I must share with my husband and my mother." She looked around, despair evident in her face. "But they are not here."
"I'll go and get them!" Aurora exclaimed, and ran off into HQ. The agents waited until she came back with the SO and Jay.
"Oh my lovely daughter!" blubbered Jay, "I never thought I'd see you again!"
"Nor did I, mother," said Jaycacia, hugging her tight and kissing her all over. "And you, my husband..."
I have missed you, said the SO, embracing her, so very much.
"I need to tell you something," Jaycacia said seriously. "Husband mine... the battle with the Sub Rosa and her minions scorched me inside and out. My flesh has healed, but my inner places... my womb..." She blinked back the tears. "Husband - I can no longer have children."
Oh, my beloved, said the SO, holding her closer as the agents gasped in dismay. I knew from your face that something was wrong. He paused a moment, then said, ... but you can still have sex, right?
"Absolutely."
~
"Do you think she's trying for foreshadowing?"
Acacia leant back, sinking into Jay's sofa. "You know what I've missed?" she mused aloud. "Soft furnishings. Reeds just aren't the same." She glanced over at her friend. "Sorry, what?"
Jay waved the sheet of paper at her. "The pregnancy thing. Do you think it's supposed to be foreshadowing?"
Acacia frowned at the page. "Hard to say. Because on the one hand, I'm really not sure she's bright enough to foreshadow-"
"What, you don't have a high opinion of the intelligence of someone who writes a summary of half their chapter?" Jay blinked. "I think that sentence got away from me a bit."
"You're doing fine," Acacia assured her. "And no. But on the other hand... if she did try to foreshadow... that's exactly how unsubtle she'd be."
A/N: IMG!!!!!! ~8Izimax*~, reed mi porfile!!!111! Hoe hard can itt b?!?!?
And umm, evryon esle - y no revuews???? Do yo not like my sotry nemor?!?!?! NEways on wih the stor...
So the SO began to grope Jaycacia, and they were about to have sex when...
"Stop this right now!" bellowed a voice, and Constance burst into the Cafeteria! "Dafydd," she snarled, marching across the floor, "did you really think you could get away with this?"
Illian looked shocked. "Constance!" he said seriously. "How did you know I was here?"
"You mean, after you ran out on me?" she demanded. "Honestly, Dafydd, how stupid do you think I am? I followed the horse footprints back to HQ; that's how I knew where you were."
"I left you to protect you," Illian said bravely. Constance just laughed.
"You left me so you could sleep around!" she explained. "Don't think I don't know what you've been up to. For instance, most recently you have been kissing... her!" She pointed at Aurora.
"Constance... rwl paware pev!" Illian protested in their secret language (A/N: 'I lov yu!')
"Pel cheedaware mwv," Constance snapped back. (A/N: 'you cant' love me') "Pel poithase mwv!" (A/N: 'yu left mi!')
"Posabiba pioth," said Illian sadly, "thed rwl esoithase pev." (A'N: 'It was hrad, but i had to leav yu'.) Constance started to reply, but he held up his hand. "Pev pasasewrel rwl." (A/N: 'you are sitll my wife')
There was a long, dangerous pause, and then Constance sighed and said, "Ka pel pasasewrev rwv. Rwv paware pel." (A/N: 'adn you ar still mu hubsand. i Love yu') Then she looked across at Aurora. "And what about her?"
"I think she's hot," Illian admitted, "and have done for a long time. Don't you think she's hot?"
Constance looked at Aurora. She was 5'0'' with curly blonde hair dyed with dark red-brown streaks, worn in a ponytail down to her mid-back. She had dazzling blue eyes just like Jaycacia's, and was wearing a PPC uniform but cut to be flattering to her curves and show her stomach and also she wore big sexy boots.
"I do think she's hot," she said, and Aurora blushed prettily. "So are you planning on having sex with her?"
"Riol rilwrev pev," said Illian, "ka rwl rilwrev pev, ka kioth rithwrev pev!" (A/': 'I wil sleep wit her & ill sleep with yu & all selp with everone!') He threw his arms wide, and Constance looked at him in awe.
"I think I prefer you now you're blue," she said. "Let's have sex."
"Ok," said Illian.
The SO looked at Jaycacia. Let's have sex.
"Ok." Jaycacia looked around at everyone. "Let's have sex."
"Ok," said everyone.
So they all took their clothes off (A/n egsept Jaycacia who was already nud!!) and then Illian had sex with Constance in the missionary position, and Jaycacia had sex with the SO in the doggy position, and Aurora had sex with Supernumberary in the butterfly position, and Al's Waiter had sex with Jay in the spoons position, and then Illian had sex with Aurora in the cowgirl position, and Constance had sex with Supernumberary in the lotus position, and Jaycacia had sex with Jay in the reverse cowgirl position, and the SO had sex with Al's Waiter in the lateral coital position, and then Illian had sex with Al's Waiter in the reverse cowgirl position, and Jay had sex with Supernumberary in the suspended congress position, and Constance had sex with the SO in the leapfrog position, and Aurora had sex with Supernumberary in the T-square position, and then finally they all had sex at the same time in all the different positions.
"Wow," said Jaycacia, "that was really good. I'm glad I came back from being trapped at the beginning of time."
"Yes it was," said her lovers, "and so are we."
"But wait!" exclaimed Jaycacia, and her hair began to glow brighter. "Something's wrong... no, something's right... that's impossible!"
"What is?" asked her lovers.
"I'm... pregnant!"
~
"Dear sweet generic deities..." groaned Jay. "What is she on?"
Acacia looked smug. "I'm well out of it," she said. "In fact, hey, I wasn't in the last one, either. Life is good."
Jay scowled at her. "And women - even Roman women - who comment on that fact get their comeuppance."
"Says you," Acacia sniffed. "But Legal has no authority over me, and I left the Parcae behind two thousand years ago."
"Yeah," Jay agreed, "but you haven't left me behind... and it's my spare bed you're sleeping in."
Acacia sat bolt upright. "You wouldn't dare!"
A/N: kk to evrone, hear it is!!!!! teh next, or maybe LATS, caphter!!!!!
THe agents and the SO stared at Jaycacia as she pressed a hand to her stomach. "But how can I be pregnant?" she asked them. "It should be impossible!"
But it is so, said the SO with swelling pride, and so our morning of mourning has given way to an afternoon of bliss.
"But I was wounded!" said Jaycacia seriously. "I should never have been able to have babies."
"Yea, verily," said a new voice, "and it would ever have been so, were it not for the power of... Black Magickckckc!"
The agents gasped as Lux strode out of the crowd and started having sex with Supernumberary and Al's Waiter at the same time. "Yes," said Lux, "'twas I who wrought this thing. Through my magickckckc, thou hast indeed become pregnant. In fact - you have all been wrought (A/N: Taht means 'made' in old spech!) pregnant!"
Constance and Aurora and Jay gasped and pressed a hand to their stomach. "I can feel it!" they said.
Lux grinned. "I said all," she reminded them... "even the men!"
Illian and Supernumberary and Al's Waiter pressed their hand to their stomachs. "I can feel it too!" they said.
"And verily, I can sense many things about thy children," said Lux, abandoning Supernumberary on the floor and starting to have sex with Aurora instead. "For instance... Supernumberary! The other parent of your baby is Jay... and the baby is Dafydd and also Al's Waiter (because they are the same person)!"
Jay gasped. "But then why are they blue!"
"Because of who thy parents are," intoned Lux. "For you see, you are the baby currently in Al's Waiter's tummy - and your other parent is Dafydd!"
"Incredible!" explained Al's Waiter.
"Dafydd!" Lux declared, starting to have sex with Jay as well as Aurora. "The other parent of thy baby is... Constance! And thy baby is Supernumberary!"
Constance looked smug. "You can consider that payback for making me have all our other babies and also for cheating on me and walking out on me," she said.
"And Constance," continued Lux, "thy baby's father is Supernumberary, and the baby is... yourself!"
"Incredible!" gasped Illian. "I never would have guessed."
"Sunflower Official!" announced Lux.
Me, too? the SO said. It should be impossible... but I can feel it!
"And it is well you can," said Lux, "for the other parent of your baby is Constance - and the baby is Aurora!"
Unbelievable! said the SO. But I believe you!
Now Lux began to have sex with Illian and Constance at the same time. "Jay," she said, "you finally have the pleasure of bearing Jaycacia's baby... and that baby will be the SO!"
"Of course," said Jaycacia gently. "Who else but the Starflower and the PPC's number one Assassin could ever be my husband's parents?"
Now Lux looked troubled, and she stopped having sex with anyone. (A/N: DUN DUM DUUUUUUN!!!!"!) "Aurora," she said, turning to Aurora, "you will face difficult times. For the baby you bear is Dafydd's, and her name will be... Acacia Byrd!"
Aurora gasped and burst into tears, so Illian went to comfort her.
Jaycacia looked worried. "But what about my baby?" she asked. "What can you tell about my baby?"
Lux went over to her and ran her hands over her stomach. "Its father is the SO," she said, "as I believe you know. And its destiny..." She shook her head. "I cannot see. Its destiny is too bright, too fierce, for my magickckckc. But..." She stood back and looked at Jaycacia seriously. "Given the circumstances," she said seriously, "there is only one person it can be!"
~
"Jay."
"Mm?"
"What are you scribbling?"
Jay beamed manically at her ex-partner. "My Jaycacia-approved family tree," she said. "Did you know I'm apparently my own grandmother? Twice? I'm yours, as well."
Acacia shuddered and downed her coffee. "I think I feel worst for Constance," she said. "She's her own mother? How does that work?"
"She's her own granny, too," Jay mused, then shrugged and got to her feet. "I'm just glad it's not true. So, want another drink before the next chapter?"
"What next chapter?" Acacia asked. "Didn't you see the author's note?"
"Ooh, it's over and I didn't even notice? Awesome." Jay bounced over to the sofa. "Show!"
~
A/N: So tahts it! TEH END! I hop you lieked my sotry! Suprising, huh?!?!?! Plz R+R!!!!!
Jaycacia Thornbyrd will return, in... The Child of Jaycacia Thornbyrd
((And that's a wrap. No more Jaycacia this year - thank the stars! I hope you had as much 'fun' as I did.
Also, yes, I drew out the 'family tree', and it is as horrifying as it sounds. On the plus side, I'm pretty sure an entirely closed genetic loop is incapable of accumulating the flaws seen in other incestuous situations...
And for the record: Lux's portrayal is entirely in-character with her previous appearance in the Jaycaciaverse. And Nesh - sorry! ~hS))
I nearly died trying not to make a sound, you madman. {X D I suppose that should be a lesson to me about reading PPC badfic in public, but really, how was I supposed to see that coming?
I might make my characters MST this story. *g*
~Neshomeh
Actually, I can so imagine Nume reading this, then slowly reaching for his flask...
Shouldn’t Jay be her own and Acacia’s grandfather?
Other Observations:
Constance is her own mother and grandfather (on the father’s side).
Supernumberary is his own grandmother and grandfather.
Dafydd / Al's Waiter is his own grandmother (twice) and his own grandfather.
Since Jaycacia has been established to be the daughter of Acacia and PPC HQ, Jaycacia is her own great-great-grandmother
Acacia is also her own great-great-grandmother.
Aurora is her own great-great-grandmother and HQ’s great-granddaughter.
The SO is his own great-great-grandmother and HQ’s grandson, and he gets the most complex family tree (six generations).
Luxury is the only person present whose parents are still unknown. Is she Jaycacia’s daughter? But didn’t she come from an alternate universe? I wonder how you will resolve this in the sequel.
I don't know crossing the T is also a position of fun times.
But wehre r ur other story's???
Nyway, IM SOOO HAPPI U HAD SUPERNUMBRERY BE SO SMART N AURORA N ILLAN KISSED EEEEEEEEEEEEEE
But its kinda ewe taht Jaycasua n the sunflowwer r gon 2 hav sex >:P I tihnk that wood b paneful!!
((I did 'lol' at the end though.))
hi dudes im tgris, dis is my new story, its gonna be sooooo cool, and its gonna be totes awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
proluuge:
agent bleepofansgieandoandaei (fans for short) was stutting down de halway. His saw a agent come oute and his said 'bro come at me bro' the agent came at him but fans was too fast! she grabed the agents hands and swung him arounnd an the agent wished he hadnt cme t his;.
fans struted a lil bit mmore an den desided to go in to a BADFIC!!!!!!! he dscrred(look! i used a dictionarrry!) he pen adn papper ad transporrrrrrrrrted in to the bad fic!
dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun batman
to be continued plz rview or i wont update any more
Author Profile: Hi! I'm a girl who loves fantasy stories and especially dragons. I've already written most of a novel (it's way better than Twilight) and someday I'm going to be a real author! I'm so excited to be here! :D
Title: First impressions
Summary: Deriks’ first mission into Eragon goes . . . depending on how you look at it very wrong or very right ;)
Genres: Action/Hurt/Comfort
Rating: T to be safe because *somebody* gets what's coming to them.
Derik was standing in thew oods outside Carvahall by himself disguised as a genreic villager and waiting in silence. He had heard about this continuum was full of Canon Sues and Stus and could only assume this was a cruel joke from the Flowers because it had dragons. Hadn’t he suffered enough losing his own dragon had almost killed him? Now he was stuck in an awful continuum having to save a whiny brat of a dragon rider the likes of which woudn’t even have survived a hatching (A/N: It’s been forever snce I read Pern I don’t remember what teh ceremony is called *Shrug*)
There was the Sue—the one he was allowed to kll anyway. She was a elf woman with enbony black hair and electric blue eyes with delicately pointed ears and luminisecent moon skin. She also ripped off the scene in the LotR movies with Arewen Derik threw up in his mouth a little bit.
Sue: Freeze, mortal.
Derik didn’t rwrite down the charge of slang his gaze was fixed on the egg gleamed in the moonlight. Its shell was deep blue and iridescent like lapis lazuli but perfectly smoth and oval. It was smaller than a Pern’d sdragon egg. It was stll close enough for Derik to feel the sfamiliar longing. But nothing could replace his Skephanth. Just thinking about him made him start to flash back. His memories of Pern weren’t exatly real but they were real enough of avoiding Thread or burning it or the Between had stayed in his mind particularly. He wondered if Skepnath was just gone or trapped in Between forever.
Derik didn’t know which would be worse
Derik didn’t remember what happened next but he guessed a time shift had taken him to the next morning. The sun was up and Eragon and the Sue—her name was Angel—wer cuddling next to the egg. Derik had to read the words said the two had argued over who could take the egg but Angel had fainted so Eragon stayed with her and the egg all night to protect them because he felt protective of the Sue. Of course he did.
Derik knew from the words he read that Eragon was having a dream of angel’s past. Glablatorix had killed her patnetns in front of her—they had been some of the last Dragon Riders which was why she wanted to be Saphira’s rider. That only made Eragon felt more protective.
It was getting hard for Derik to concentrate on the mission with the egg right there. Somehow, he could almost sente the baby dragon inside, warm and alive and eager to hatch to bad her future rider was such a perfect fool. He would turn a perfectly good dragon into another Sue—or at least a Cute ANimal Friend.
Angel stirred and her eleyis fluttered.
It wasn’t fair. Derik’s fsits clenched. Saphira was just as bad off as skepnath—not going to die but trapped because of a Sue. He couldn’t let that happen to another dragon.
Derik didn’t realize his weapons were in his hands until he was lafway across the clearing. He’d drawn his sword and was swinging it down at the Sue. He didn’t care about Charges; she was a sue and it was obvious.
Angel’s eyes opened as the blade came down, and she just had time for one screqech burst ouf of her before the sword took off her head. Slue blood stained the ground glittery, and Eragon woke up. He was still confused by the Sue’s influence as Derik turned on him, shaking.
Derik: I need to do this right. You, Eragon, are chrged with being a Gary Stu. With being an author=insert with a boring personality and your name is one letter from Dragon and everything handed to you instead of threading earning it and whining about everyone else doing all the hard work for you, getting super magical powers, controlling the dragon is almost the last of her species and deserves much better than you!
“Huh?”
The egg’s shell began to crack. Drawing in a deep breath, Derik turned back on Eragon.
“For these crimes you ar sentenced do death.”
Eragonw as still just af armboy by this point and couldn’t do anything to stop the sword going into his liver. He let out a choking noise and collapsed, dying quickly. As he did the world rumbled, and the words began to fall apart. Sheathing his sword Derik snatched up the egg. The cracks sread across its shell. He portealed away, landing in his RC.
As he put the egg on his bed began to flake off pieces. He coruched beside it and watched intently. Bits flew off until the egg efell apart and a tiny blue dragon tumbled out. Her wings tangled around her and Derik pulled them away she looked at him and he felt a familiar feeling in his head.
Derik?
oOo
Derik stood in the SO’s office. SO: What are you doing here?
Derik looked surprised. “I broke a PPC rules state that canon characters can’t be killed. Even Sutes.”
“Oh. Right. That was because we thought that if you killed canon characters the canon would break: Your recent activity has merely caused the Eragon universe to shift. Murtagh is now the protagonist and the word world is much better. We will be sending agents into Twilight and other continua to fix them too. You’re going to be rewarded.”
Derik stared in amazement. “Then—
“You can keep Saphira.”
Derik I call her Saphirath now.
The SO shrugged. He dismissed Derik, who ran back down the hall led back to his RC where Saphirath was waiting eagerly. Derik didn’t have to tell her the news had already reached her throught heir telepathic link and she tackled him as he came through the doors.
“Derik!” She was still a baby but she knew his anme and her name and knew he was very happy so she was too.
The console beeped but Derik didn’t pay attention to the fact that tears were coing down his face either as he reached out and touched the dragon’s nose. She ran her head under his fingeriips with a purring noise like a happy kitty. H felt whole again.
---
I feel I should note that MS Word did its darndest to fix my typos—I had to go back and manually reenter quite a few.
-Thantosiet
You know, I'm having a hard time coming up with in-character badficcer reviews of this because it's just a few shakes shy of actually being good. O.o Like, the one majorly canon-breaking thing is that Derik would never, ever deliberately set himself up for getting a new dragon, even a non-Pernese one. The rest... I can kinda see it. Even through xXxDragonLoverxXx's weird habit of sticking different thoughts together where the words happen to match.
So... Kudos for that? I guess?
~Neshomeh, conflicted. ^_^;
I usually try to incorporate something I legitimately like into my parody badfics, give them a grain of sincerity. In that case it's the fact that Derik is a fascinating character, and the Inheritance Cycle would be a painful continuum for him both because of his personal issues and that series' flaws. For the thoughts thing, I figure Dragon's stopping a lot and starting again halfway through the sentence without looking back at what came before or something.
Now I'm wondering if I should try to revise it to make it either good or way worse...
Because this idea has been eating at me since I worked on the Artemis and Bodldops stuff on the wiki, earlier this year. This is my take on a possible scene while Halley was stuck in Mid-World. There is some NSFW language to be found below.
Halley belongs to bodldops. The man in black and Mid-World belong to Stephen King. The Shades and Gaspode the Wonder-Dog belong to Terry Pratchett. I just discovered last night that a friend I had loaned some books to has lost my copies of the first four Dark Tower novels, so the MiB will probably be acting more like he did at the end of the series than he did at the beginning. This scene does contain one major spoiler for The Dark Tower VII: The Dark Tower. (As in, it literally spils the entire series, you will not be able to enjoy the books at all if you read this first.)
* * *
As Halley began to wake up, she felt an uncomfortable heat beating down on her above. Sunlight, surely, but the Shades weren't well-known for being very brightly-lit. As she began stirring, trying to get to her feet, she discovered three very important details about her knew and unknown location.
1. There was hard-packed sand beneath her.
2. Her hands and feet were tied.
3. She had a massive bruise on the right side of her forehead, which she had inadvertently just scratched across the aforementioned sand.
Halley cried out, opening her eyes, and snapping her body up and into a kneeling position. The sun and sand had vaguely impressed into her groggy head that she had found her way into either a desert or a beach, an she now saw that it was, indeed, a desert. It was a long expanse of white with no obvious landmarks.
There was, however, a man dressed in black standing right in front of her. He had been grinning, and now grinned even wider. "Greetings, Lady-sai!" He bent down one leg and bowed, holding a closed fist against his forehead. "Life for you, and life for your crop. I do say sorry for that goose egg—" He tapped a single finger near his right temple— "But when I saw you pop out of that odd thinny-hole, I just had to talk to you." His grin—it didn't seem possible, but it got even widerteeth bright and white, and glinting down on Halley.
She shivered a bit, despite the desert heat. When she first saw a smiling figure in black, she figured it was another agent. After all, she had worn black herself for her vacation back to the Disc. (It was a good color in the Shades, but also useful for identifying yourself to other agents out on missions.) But this man's weird behavior, and speech, and, well, the fact he had apparently knocked her out and tied her up, definitely did not point in that direction. He almost looked like a cowboy, with chaps and boots and a vest worn over a button-down collared shirt, all in black except for the buttons. the only thing missing was a wide-brimmed Stetson, but the man wore no hat. His hair was, again, black, and fell all around his head in messy strands.
He just continued to stare at her. He raised his eyebrows, as though surprised at her lack of response.
"Um. Hi." Halley finally said. "Sorry, I . . . I'm still a bit woozy." Why was she even apologizing? He was the one who had knocked her out!
"Hm." That unreal smile finally vanished, and a look of contemplation settled over the face of the man in black. "I still feel the same. You're not like her, are you? Ah, well. There's more than one use for a damp rag, eh?"
Halley, suspecting that she may have been the damp rag in the previous sentence, had been about to argue, but was stopped when she saw the man's face . . . shift. There was no other word for it; the nose became just a bit more pointed, the eyes closer together, the mouth sat a bit lower in his face. For just a hairline of second, Halley could have sworn she was looking at Irvine—not DIA Agent Irvine, but that other one that had been sneaking around HQ for a couple of years. But less than a second later, it was back to normal. Halley flailed for a moment, forgetting that her feet were tied and trying to stand, leaving her on her side once again. "Who are you? What are you?"
The man seemed unperturbed. In fact, he seemed rather bored as he said, "Oh, the name, yes. Let's go with . . . Ah, but I had best say 'Marten' if I'm taking you back with me, as all in Gilead know me by that one."
"I'm not going anywhere with you!" Halley kicked at the crusted sand forcing herself away from this bizarre person.
Marten only laughed—a high-pitched, fast-paced giggle that made Halley feel almost physically sick until he stopped—and said, "Look around thyself, cully, and tell me where it is you plan to run to? 'Tis all flat and empty, this Mohaine Desert, though it shouldn't be quite bad, not yet.
Halley looked wildly all around, as much as her bound limbs allowed. The man in black was telling the truth; it was nothing but a flat expanse of sand all around, bleached so white it might have looked like snow in a photograph, with the sun's heat removed. Except—
Halley stopped moving when she it. There was one spot on the horizon that looked different. It was the air there; it had a certain shimmer to it beyond what mirages the heat was casting all around. A place against the sky where the color . . .
"Wilver," Halley said aloud. There was a wilver distortion against the sky.
"Wilver?" Marten echoed. He watched for a moment, then continued, "Ah. 'White' and 'silver.' Yes, she fancies herself a warrior of the White, but really! She is only here for herself. And so she casts an off shade of color! the Wilver; do ye say so?" He looked expectantly at Halley, grin now gone.
"Uh. Sure. I mean, we call them 'Mary Sues,' and I think, for the most part they go for urple over wilver, but wilver's pretty common, too." Halley shook her head. She shouldn't say to much; she wasn't quite sure, but it was seeming more and more likely that this man was a canon in some universe Halley didn't know. But it was hard to fight those eyes. Something in the man's face made her want to explain herself. And indeed, as if he realized what she had just realized, that intense look seemed to slide away for a moment.
"Do you want to know a secret?" Walter said, distracting her.
"Um. Honestly, I would rather—"
"The young Gunslinger is a farce."
". . . The what?"
Marten giggled again. "You really are an outsider. Like her." His face shifted again, looking suddenly youthful. "We have your woman, outsider!" Then the face settled back into Marten's.
Halley glowered. That had been a line in a horror movie Talia had convinced her to watch one Halloween. Which meant: "You are inside my head."
"Hee hee hee! I try. Allow me to enlighten you about Gunslingers. They are the fancy heroic lawmen around here." He pretended to hook his thumbs through suspender he didn't wear and cast a stern frown that might have come from Barney Fife during a proud moment. Roland, son of Steven, may they rot in hell as I ... both their mothers, seeks to go on a mythical quest to the Dark Tower, where he believes he will enter and put to right all that's gone wrong—" he gestured at the desert around them&mdsh; "with the world. Except that he fails every time."
Halley quirked an eyebrow. "He gets redos?"
The man in black shrugged. "I get a second chance every time he does, so I suppose I can't complain. Especially as I'm a bit of a risk taker, and have a tendency to get killed before Childe Roland comes to the Dark Tower. But I have a problem now."
"It sounds like you have lots of problems."
Marten ignored Halley. "This outside force. She who stands for the Wilver and Urple, as you tell it. Now, she is the one who enters the room at the top of the Tower."
". . . Oh."
"Now she is getting the second chances. Now she is starting us over, and starting us far further from the end of her quest than the Tower made Roland do. I can at least be grateful the Mohaine had moved too close to Gilead—that at least shaves a bit of time off each cycle. But still, I am losing centuries." Here, finally, Marten's voice took on a vicious growl, his face lost that creepy, pressing smile. "And no longer does anything change! Even Roland, that smug and stubborn old ass, would do things different, with or without my intervention. But not, she, oh no, she can't allow anything to change. It's always exactly the same; I still can't be certain if she doesn't know what's happening, or enjoys the attention so much she simply doesn't care. I can't do a thing to fix it, oh no. I have my parts I am compelled to play, and I must be there to fulfill them. When I'm near her, my words and actions are not my own. As though she is in my head, and that is supposed to be my trick on others, may it please thee."
Halley's eyes widened. There was only one direction this canon could possibly be going with all this. "But then I came. I'm something that didn't happen before."
The grin again, so wide and white. "YES! Yes, lady-sai, do thee see it?"
"I see it." See it very well, she thought, which then struck her as odd.
"You can see what's happening, when the Deschain family and Roland's precious ka-tets cannot. You can act against her, when I cannot." He drew a folding knife from the pocket of his chaps and opened it. He kneeled down over Halley, who stiffened reflexively. But Marten only smiled—a real smile, for once, a smile of hope mismatched with the face that gave it. He cut her bonds, and offered a hand to help her stand. The two, dressed in black, looked out to the cloud of distortion that hung over Gilead in the distance.
The Sue in wilver fled across the desert, and the agent in black followed.
Martin talks funy, adn I dont' tihnk I like him. Mayb you sohuld have made him niser to Halley? Like he cold have given her food or somthin, and aslo not have tyed her upp. But iM glad teh Mary-Su is gonig to die!!"!!
((Well, I liked it. Your NSFW language got snipped out by the Board. ;) I also noticed that the sentence it's in lost its opening quote mark; I've restored it for ffW.
I think Marten is in character, at least for The Gunslinger. He's more flippant than I think he was in Wizard and Glass, but I always got the impression his seriousness was rather an act. So no problem there.
And I like his reaction to the whole affair - downright irritation that his life's being manhandled (Suehandled?) this way. It's... yep, that's what I'd expect.
Care to offer up a title, summary, and rating? I've flagged it simply as 'Halley in Mid-World', but I can change that.
Also: I see from Halley's LJ that we have a Stinging Nettle teaching IT somewhere in HQ. Is that in the Wiki yet? ~hS))
Tricky to write, because he's a little different every time he's shown up on-page, and it's hard to maintain that balance between the crazy, manic grinning and the "this is a creature that watches people kill each other for fun." He's an interesting character, and I have to admit, knowing what happens to Roland, there's a little part of me that roots for Marten to make it to the Tower someday.
Well, I didn't know swearing got snipped here. Not like I use it very often! Let's see:
"She Sparkles and Glints" rated M.
A possible scene from Halley's ill-fated "vacation."
(That title was a line I meant to include in the story, but ran out of space and time. Get it? Because Roland "darkles and tincts?" >_> )
I just added the Nettle to the Glossary, as well as all of Trojie's drug-plant janitors, who were missing. One of which is . . . an Angel's Trumpet! So now we have two. Or at least, I've listed them as separate beings. Their personalities are pretty different. We can always change it later if someone wants to write a story that explains them as a single individual who got hit with the Ray of Character Development.
Summary: Androia and Hieronymus read "Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles )".
Genre: Humor/Parody
Rating: The source material is rated K and I will try to keep it at this.
(Issuer’s note: One of my readers and devoted fans asked me to post this here, because his account has not been confirmed yet. Hrnms.)
Cast:
Androiaavata – female night-elf druid and potential PPC agent.
Hieronymus – male human scientist, trans-dimensional snatcher and trans-dimensional hopper attempting to write himself into the PPC without ever asking for Permission.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own Harry Potter. The copyright for these wonderful books belongs to Joanne K. Rowling. Harry Potter, names, characters and related indicia are copyright and trademark Warner Bros.; "Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles )" belongs to proudhousewife, who may or may not also be Grace Ann Parsons; the briefly mentioned PPC was created by the original agents, Jay and Acacia; and the World of Warcraft (Androia’s home continuum) is the property of Blizzard Entertainment. As far as a Player’s Character can be owned, Androiaavata belongs to Hieronymus, who himself – well, belongs to himself.
Author’s Note: I probably do this wrong, but it is not intentionally bad, although I admit that it is not beta read. The justification for posting this in the badfic games may be that bad ideas rather than bad SPaG is a continuous problem in my alter ego’s contributions, and that the Board seemed to agree that touching this fic, even with a very long Spork, might be a bad idea. Also, it needs to be set in the badfic AU because I still didn’t even ask Permission for writing my agents in the PPC continuity. You may assume that this is set in a time long after Androia hit some sense back into her partners head.
------------------------------------------
Prologue
"I cannot read this," said Androia, handing the book back to Hieronymus. "The blurb says that there is magic in it."
"C'mon, don't be silly. You are a druid. You do magic!"
"There is a difference. Did you ever pay attention to the back story when you played the game? We can safely use the magical forces of nature, but when our ancestors discovered this well of arcane magic, they called the demons from the Netherworld upon us."
"But you need to know the canon," insisted Hieronymus.
"How can I know that the magic in this book is not arcane? I will not take the risk."
Hieronymus gave in. "Well then, there may be an alternative." He turned the monitor to an angle more convenient to be read by two persons sitting side by side, but not too close together. "Sit here and look what I found on the Internet."
Androia pulled a chair over to the console and sat down, carefully keeping a distance that would neither insult her partner by obviously staying away nor provoke unwanted action by undercutting his cuddling radius. Then she read what was displayed on the screen:
Books > Harry Potter
Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles )
By: proudhousewife
Do you want your little ones to read books; and they want to read the Harry Potter Books; but you do not want them to turn into witches? Well-this is the story for you! This story has all the adventure of JKR's books; but will not lead your children astray. For concerned mommies everywhere! Blessings! Grace Ann
Rated: Fiction K - English - Adventure/Mystery - Chapters: 6 - Words: 6,623 - Reviews: 1,515 - Favs: 103 - Follows: 312 - Updated: Sep 18 - Published: Aug 25 - id: 10644439
"I remember," said Hieronymus, "that this was a concern when the books were published, and apparently it still is. Harry Potter may even still be banned from some school libraries. So somebody went through the trouble of removing the magic from these books to protect us all."
Androia frowned. "Mommies? Are you trying to imply something?"
"I wouldn't ever," protested Hieronymus. "You know that I got over this! I just thought that it may be for concerned night elves as well."
"Is this so? I will trust you then," said the night elf, and began to read out loud.
(to be continued)
(Issuer’s note: I post this again for my friend, although I cannot agree here. Implying that the Department of Inaccuracies doesn’t actually exist is ridiculous. Hrnms.)
Author’s Note: I may like to do more chapters. The miracle of Harry instantly knowing the whole holy scripture by heart deserves a honorary mention, as well as unnecessarily prayparating to Hogwarts when they could just as well take the Gospel Express or the Enlighten Bus. I would like to ask how her husband prayperating dinner and breakfast makes Minerva a good housewife and to speculate about which plot we will get with Voldemort. Will he abandon all religion, or will he abandon freedom of religion to establish one religion to fit all? But in case Real Life continues to interfere, I remembered the good tradition of writing the epilogue first. If this follows chapter 1, please pretend that Hieronymus returned from the bathroom.
---------------------------------------
"You know," said Hieronymus, "if the Uncanonical Department of Inaccuracies really existed, they should be sent in to replace some wrong words. To begin with, change Harry Potter to Gary Toddler, and make the Dursleys Lobelia and Herman Unbecome."
"What should we do with Dudley?" (A/N: If Dudley was not mentioned yet, ignore this question and the following answer.)
"Just remove the one line that mentions him? There’s no real reason why this should be there."
"And then send Gary to Pigfarts? That might be fun."
"Androia! Did you secretly watch A Very Potter Musical behind my back?"
"Of course not. I just extrapolated. Is this really a thing?"
"It is, and since it’s already taken, we can’t use Pigfarts, and we still need a new name for Hagrid."
(A/N: At the end of the second chapter, we still don’t know that Athena McGoodyshoes didn’t adopt her husband’s name and that Hippolyta Stranger is supposed to be their foster daughter. Since I don’t intend to include stage directions for every chapter this epilogue may be attached to, I decided to stop before we try to find new names for every character at school. Also, I ran out of names :-).)
"I would like Rufus Goodfellow," suggested Androia.
Hieronymus looked puzzled for a moment, but then let it slip to ask the more important question. "So you agree that this is original fiction and you can’t learn anything about Harry Potter from it?"
"What? No! I learn a lot from reading this. You tell me what is uncanonical, and then talk about canon and science and – are you aware that you talked more today than you did for the whole last week?"
This was the moment when the console made “Bip”, and the displayed chapter was replaced by a message.
Stop this nonsense now! Since you will be assigned to the Harry Potter Division, Agent Androia is required to know the original books. Whether this work of literary art you are reading instead, needs to be killed by the Department of Bad Parody’s Troll Division is still to be determined. We can assure you that we did excruciating research and found that the magic in Harry Potter is not of the Warcraftian arcane type. Return to your scheduled reading immediately!
"Well, you better don’t upset Upstairs," said Hieronymus, handing the book back to Androia.
Would I ever disregard a Board Decision?
Apparently HrnmsGrbrd and his minion joined forces to troll me.
And of course Androia did it totally wrong. She should have refreshed the fic’s header and then should have inserted a line about how it must be really good, because it’s so popular; it got more than 2000 reviews in one month, that’s approaching legendary levels.
HG
(continued)
"Hagrid laughed wisely. ‘Evolution is a fairytale. You don't really believe that, do you?’"
"Yes, I do."
"’Yes, I do!’ Aunt Petunia screeched."
"But she probably got it all wrong."
"’Well then prove it!’ – Can you prove it?"
"Actually no, because science doesn’t actually prove anything ever. We just attempt to describe the world in a formalized way that allows calculating the outcome of future events. If what happens doesn’t match the calculations, the hypothesis is disproved. If there is enough evidence that the world matches our calculations, the hypothesis may be promoted to the status of a theory, or even a natural law. But dropping five hundred billion stones still doesn’t prove that nobody will ever find a way to disprove Newton’s law of gravity."
"This is interesting, I –"
"From a scientific point of view, it's entirely possible that somebody created the world just yesterday or last year, and that the creator faked our memories, wrote our history books and arranged all these false evidence to make us believe that the universe must exist since at least several billion years. This hypothesis is inherently non-disprovable, it's just not very useful. Sorry, I interrupted you?"
“I once tried to drop a bird," said Androia. "It flew high up into the air. Did I disprove the law of gravity?"
"Ah, if you experiment with living beings, you get into dealing with the concepts of free will and defying entropy. Next time, try to drop an airship or a balloon, and then learn something about buoyancy. The so-called natural laws are actually simplifications that work in many circumstances, but if you want to make them work in all circumstances, you have to take additional factors into account, and it becomes more and more complex. If we ever find the perfect description of everything, it may be so complex that a universe-sized computer would be needed to do the calculations."
"I wonder whether Petunia knows this. –
"Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn't even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was! – Demanding to prove what we believe is a bit stupid. Why would we need to believe if we knew?"
"I don't see how either of them won the argument. They’re both stupid.”
"'Tell me how to get to this heaven place!' Harry cried wistfully, clasping his hands together. Sometimes, the wisdom of little ones is really amazing. We think we grownups know it all; but then God speaks through the mouths of little ones; and shows us how we are all mortals struggling along the path of life. Humility."
"I'm not sure whether it's god who speaks, but I wouldn't say that this is entirely wrong – except Harry's behavior in this story."
"'All you have to do is be saved. Do you want to be saved?'"
"Sounds easy."
"'I do, I do!' Harry squealed, jumping up and down."
"Really, Harry is supposed to be eleven! Do eleven years old kids act like this Harry? I don't remember, it's been a long time.”
"There is no sense in asking me. You made me full grown up and gave me no childhood memories."
"I'm sorry, that's how the game works. Can we watch how Harry is saved now?"
"'Then pray the sinner's prayer!' – What is the sinner’s prayer?"
"Dunno. You may look it up when we finished this chapter. We're nearly there."
"Aunt Petunia tried to stop him; but she was powerless against Harry's pure, innocent, holy energy. Soon, Harry had said the prayer. Hagrid beamed happily."
"Well, that was easy."
"'You're a Christian now, Harry!' Hagrid cried proudly. – That is it? Where is the conflict? The character growth? The struggling for doing good over easy?"
"Good over easy? Did you secretly read the books?"
"No, I just extrapolated. And look, it is not over yet –
"Harry smiled but then interrogated, 'But how do I be a Christian? I don't know how!'"
"Does he grill Hagrid?"
"Hagrid grinned widely. 'There is only one place to learn that-Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!' – Oh, he dropped the closing parenthesis."
"You're right. The title says Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles right bracket".
"May this be a typo?"
"That’s possible. Or maybe, for some weird reason, this site doesn’t display the full sideways smile you get when you type a colon, a hyphen and a closing parenthesis."
"You mean this may be a parody? And it was even intended to show in the title, but it does not work? "
"Excuse me, a have to go to the bathroom. We'll discuss this later."
"And there is another Author's Note: SO what do you all think? I may not be a professional writer; but I think I am being given the talent to pull this off in service of a greater mission equal sign closing bracket.
"Blessings!
"- Grace Ann – I wonder what Hieronymus would have said to this if he were still here."
(may be continued)
---------------------------------------
And another author's note: It is hard work to navigate this minefield with an Agnostic raised Christian and a Believer in a fictitious religion I know nearly nothing about. They are so easily distracted by their own issues. But it’s fun so far.
I hope I didn't offend anybody.
I also hope I didn't butcher World of Warcraft canon too much.
HG.
but I don't't unserdand why yuor argents are sayin tihngs about it. Is tihs like Modem Art, wehre it dousn't make sens unless you reed a book abut it? B/c I dont liek Moden Arp adn I tihnk it wood be bette if you jsut post teh Hairy Podder prats.
((Next time, try to drop an airship or a balloon, and then learn something about buoyancy. I approve of this line. ^-^ ~hS))
Chapter 1
"Author's Note: Hello, friends! My name is Grace Ann. I'm new to this whole fanfiction thing; but recently, I've encountered a problem that I believe this is the solution to. My little ones have been asking to read the Harry Potter books; and of course I'm happy for them to be reading; but I don't want them turning into witches! So I thought….. why not make some slight changes so these books are family friendly? And then I thought, why not share this with all the other mommies who are facing the same problem? So-Ta da! Here it is! I am SO excited to share this with all of you! So, without further ado- "
"This is not what the summary said," grumbled Hieronymus. "I've read fiction that had no magic and still wasn't family friendly."
"I bet you also wrote some fiction that was not family friendly, specifically about us. I just never found it, yet."
"That's unfair," complained Hieronymus. "How often do I need to apologize? There are really only the two pieces you know, and I tried to be subtle about the matter."
"I would not call it subtle," retorted Androia. "But since there was some magic involved, my comment may have been missing the point. I apologize for this. Now let me read further." And thus she ended this inane argument and continued reading.
"Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Harry Potter who lived under the stairs in a house on Privet Drive with his aunt and uncle. He was a good, obedient boy who did all his chores; –"
"Now that's not how I would describe him."
"– but he felt that there was something missing in his life."
"May have been his parents."
Androia raised her voice. "Something big and special; but he could not quite name it."
"The names might be Mrs. and Mr. Potter."
"He stayed up every night; and wished for this special something; but then one day, there was a knock at his door-and everything changed." Androia stopped reading to ask "Hieronymus? Do you know that it is impolite to interrupt when somebody else is speaking?"
"Sorry, I'm still not over this author's note. I always thought that Harry Potter is family friendly, and now I'm afraid that her take on family-friendliness may be quite different from mine. The start doesn't look good. She may have changed more than would be good for our purpose."
"You saying that the main character is not characterized properly does worry me. I admit this. But do you also imply that the original book revealed everything about Harry's parents in the first paragraph? I would probably call this bad story-telling. And it seems clear enough here. Mrs. and Mr. Potter are not available for some reason that is still unknown, so that these kind people took Harry in, although their house is so small that they cannot even give him a spare room to live in."
"Part of the problem is that the Dursleys aren’t kind. They dislike Harry so much that they don’t want to waste a room on him."
"So I got this wrong. But it may be clarified later. And I am curious who may be at the door. May I continue now, uninterrupted?"
"Go on then. I hope we will not be drowned in semicolons," muttered Hieronymus.
"’Answer the door, Harry!’ his Aunt Petunia, a career woman, barked from her armchair where she sat with her feet up. She had short, curly blonde hair and never wore any makeup. Uncle Vernon nodded sheepishly from the kitchen; and put a tray of moist, chocolatey brownies in the oven."
Hieronymus shook his head in disbelieve.
"What is wrong now?" asked Androia. "We get a strong female character, and a male character who is not above helping with the household work. Is this not what we want for children to read?"
"Just read on," sight Hieronymus.
"Shouldn't you be doing that? Harry thought; but he was a very obedient young boy, so he answered the door right away. He turned the brass, metal doorknob; and pulled open the heavy, wooden door."
“Now this sounds actually sensible. Don’t let your little kid open the door for a stranger, while you’re just sitting in your armchair. In case it is an alien monster, you are better suited to defend yourself."
"You see, it is already clarified that this Aunt Petunia is not as nice as I thought. It may not be word for word what you expected, but it is an accurate retelling and I can learn from it. Now let me see whether it is an alien monster –
"On the porch was standing a huge, muscular man with a big, manly beard; and he was dressed in a plaid, red shirt, blue jeans, and sturdy, leather boots. His chest was covered in a thick, unruly carpet of coarse, brown hair. He wore a necklace that looked to Harry like a lowercase T. Just looking at Harry feel happy, peaceful somehow; but ..." Androias voice trailed off. She frowned. "Who is looking at Harry? Why do they specifically look at Harry feel happy and why does Harry feel happy in the first place? His recent thoughts didn’t sound happy."
“I’ve no idea who this man might be," admitted Hieronymus. "But I think it may make more sense if Harry looked at something that’s unfortunately missing there, and looking at it made him feel happy."
"I will take a wild guess then, and also correct the tense shift," agreed Androia. “Just looking at the little tee Harry felt happy, peaceful somehow; but he couldn't say why! – Well, I could not say either, but it appears to make more sense this way. Let me see whether I guessed right –
"’Good morning, kiddo,’ the man greeted amiably; and smiled at Harry. He had the peaceful, friendly sort of face you just knew you could trust. ‘My name is Hagrid. Could I speak to your mommy and daddy?’"
"He’s meant to be Hagrid? This is far too rushed! Hagrid should not appear before chapter four! And since you don’t allow me to interrupt you, I would also like to mention now that up there I wondered how Harry could see the unruly carpet of coarse, brown hair through the man’s red shirt."
"I just assumed that Harry got X-ray sight. Since you imply that this is not the case, should I fear that there may still be some magic left in this retelling?"
“I don’t think so. There will probably be a reasonable explanation. Read on."
"’I don't have a mommy or daddy,’ Harry replied sadly; and looked at his raggedy, old shoes that were blue. Perhaps that was why he felt so lonely, he thought, not for the first time. Maybe that was what he was missing-a mommy and daddy. But no, that was not quite right. – Look, there was no need to interrupt me with sarcastic remarks in the first paragraph."
"Okay, I apologize for talking out of order," said Hieronymus, not using any adverb. "But I wonder what he might have missed even more than his parents.”
"’I am so sorry to hear that!’ Hagrid uttered empathetically. – I wonder," added Androia, "how you utter something empathetically. May this be a case of the threaded Thesaurus Abuse?"
"Maybe." Hieronymus’ response was quite monosyllabic. "Go on."
"’You can speak with my auntie and uncle,’ Harry retorted politely; and blinked his big, blue, childlike eyes."
"Green," groaned Hieronymus, "his eyes are green. You know, she may be retelling the movies. But even then a lot is left out."
"I wouldn’t know," replied Androia, using a contraction once just for the fun of confusing the reader. "Are Harry’s eyes blue in the movies? Did you notice that the semicolons are back? Can you imagine a polite retort? "
"Yes, they are. Don’t tell me you missed them. There was just one short paragraph with no semicolon in it. And no, I can’t. "
"Well then – ‘What do you want?’ Aunt Petunia peered out the door with her narrow, suspicious eyes; and she was wearing a baggy, unflattering pantsuit." Androia hesitated. “Is this, together with short, curly blonde hair, and a career woman never wearing any makeup, an accurate description of Harry’s aunt?” she asked at last.
"The eyes and hair may be canon, but –"
"I don’t want to sound misogynistic, but from what I have seen of World One media, I would expect that it is impossible to be a woman, have a career, and never wear makeup. Wearing a nice dress at work and baggy pantsuits at home I can imagine though, and I am not sure whether this is meant to be set in World One."
"Your definitions of career may differ. You think big business’ Chief Executive Officer, she thinks mechanic in overalls. But what I wanted to say before you interrupted me – canonically Harry’s aunt is a housewife, while Harry’s uncle is something like a CEO and never seen doing any household work."
"So they were changed into their opposites? Why should this be?"
"I haven’t any idea. I hope we’ll find out when you read further."
"'Hello, neighbor! I was wondering if you have been saved,' Hagrid exclaimed brightly; and tipped his wide-brimmed, straw cowboy hat."
"Will somebody please say something unadverbalized," grumbled Hieronymus. “We’ve already dropped most of the speech tags to compensate for the overflow."
"Aunt Petunia laughed a gravelly laugh; and leaned forward on her sturdy, practical boots. 'Saved? Don't tell me you are you – ah, there is one you too much here – one of those Christians?"
"Two," murmured Hieronymus for no apparent reason.
"Harry did not know what that word meant; but Hagrid's smile was the most peaceful smile he had ever seen. It made Harry feel warm and happy inside just seeing the glowing, radiant grin on the kind, friendly stranger's face. He wondered why Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon did not smile like that... I am not sure what I shall do with this ellipsis here. If this implies that the narrator’s voice trails off and there is a pause, I may take the chance to comment on the word that Harry does not know. It is one of World One’s bigger religions, but not being native to this world, I never studied it in detail. I suppose that Christians are obligated to always smile and save people? "
Hieronymus winced. "That’s what this version of Aunt Petunia may believe. But most of us – ah, most Christians I know, I mean –"
"But Hagrid is meant to represent Christians! Or maybe he is not? Oh –
"'Yes, I am,' Hagrid replied kindly. 'Are you?'"
"No, I’m not," mumbled Hieronymus.
"Aunt Petunia laughed again; and stuck her pointy, sharp nose up in the air. 'We are too smart for that. Haven't you read Dawkins? God is dead! Dawkins proved that. Would you like us to educate you on the Dawkins?' – Who or what is the Dawkins?"
"Clinton Richard Dawkins, famous British biologist and atheist," explained Hieronymus, who had quickly googled this on his smartphone that had never been mentioned before. "You know, that’s interesting," he continued. "To prove that god is dead, it seems necessary to prove that he was once alive first. I may need to read Dawkins works to find out how he did this."
"Can we pretend that this is not the right time to get lost in the internet?" asked Androia, slightly worried.
Hieronymus shrugged. "Oh well, it may not be worth the effort; Aunt Petunia probably got this wrong anyway. Go on, then."
"’What is a Christian?’ Harry queried innocently; and scuffed his shoe on the shaggy, yellow carpet which had not been vacuumed in quite some time. "
"Uncanon," snarked Hieronymus. "Petunia is one of the tidiest persons I’ve ever seen. Is she so busy having a career in this AU that she didn’t find the time to hire a cleaner?"
"’Christians are people who want to be good,’ Hagrid explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Harry. ‘We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?’ " Androia frowned. "Implying that people who are not Christians do not want to be good is a bit unfortunate. I might feel offended. And, supposing that this heaven is a good place, doing good only because they want to go to heaven sounds like a quite selfish motive. But you seem to believe that Hagrid does not represent Christians well. Can you educate me on the topic what a Christian is, then?"
A brief smile showed on Hieronymus' face. It had been a long time since she had asked for education. But the smile vanished soon. Better not touch these shameful memories. And concerning the topic –
"It's – complicated. You should ask a priest."
"You should ask a priest! This is what you made me say whenever somebody asked why I knelt at a moon well. It is not fair to quote it back on me!"
"I’m sorry. I don’t know your religion, and I don't even know where you got this belief. I just thought I should play you showing some respect at places I perceived as meant to be holy. Unlike some of the guys we’ve seen there."
"And apparently you do not know your own religion either. We have a serious case of not done the research here. "
"It’s not my religion. I –"
“Harry shook his head; and his big eyes were wide and curious.
"’Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God.’ – Is this like being with Ysera in the Emerald Dream? Although – Ysera is not a god, and we do not need to be dead to share the Emerald Dream. Actually, we need to be alive."
"I don’t know how being in the Emerald Dream is like."
"As I said: not done the research. Well, I have to draw on other sources then –
"Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry's young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, ‘Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays. Haven't you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things.’"
"Evil Aunt!" shouted Hieronymus. "I don’t need any religion," he continued calmer. “But I decided this on my own, after checking the facts. You shouldn’t shut your pupil’s ears and eyes. Helicopter parents don’t do any good."
"Helicopter parents?" asked Androia.
"They always hover above the kids," explained Hieronymus, "guarding them against any bad experience that might ever occur, and actually denying them any own experience at all. Effectively, they make the kids more vulnerable to the first bad experience that will inevitably come when they are not around."
"This reminds me of something," said Androia with a faint smile. "But I forgave you, and I predict now that Harry, since he was never allowed to think on his own, will inevitably be lost if his Aunt cannot defeat the intruder."
"Yeah, Uncle Vernon is apparently of no use there."
(to be continued)
Hello, fanficWorld. I am Lemony Eggnog. You can call me Lemony, or Nog if you insist, but if I quote the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition at you it's your own fault. I am an adult human person. I'm not fussed about pronouns; use whatever you like.
There is a stunning lack of quality M/M slash in the PPC fandom, and I'm here to fix that. I'm not afraid to genderbend if that's what it takes. If you have a problem with that, you are free to take your business elsewhere. Flames will be used to make the characters nice and comfy while they get nekkid. P:
(( ... So yeah, I might write a for-real lemon if I have time and don't chicken out before this is over. >.>
~Neshomeh ))
There;s nothing better than a nice bit of slash. That goes doubles for slash in the PPC! My favorite M/M pairing is probably Nume/Suicide. I can't wait to see what you write, especially if gender bending is gonna be in the mix!
Pinky
I do seem to recall reading a decent fic in that vein on this site. Must've been a couple of years or so back; I can't seem to find it again. Alas.
That's not quite the pairing I have in mind, but you'll like at least half of it. ; )
--Lemony
You right slash? That is so disgusting. ( ( Do would you accept anthor opponent in the challenge of whinney bitching? And that seriously used to be my username when I was younger-Seychelles))
Please take it with you when you leave, and don't let the virtual door hit you on your way out. : )
--Lemony
(( I wasn't aware I'd issued such a challenge. Were you thinking of someone else? ))
(( I'll just go challegene Izimaz))
((Yay, I'm starting my own mini-me collection!))
I TTLY CNAT WAIT 2 C U RITE!
(Are you and Phobos having a contest to see who can be the most squicky or something? If so, I am afraid. 0_o )
I actually don't want to squick everyone's brains out. I just have this idea that's been rattling around in my brainpan for a while, and this is a good excuse to write it out and try my hand at something I've never done before. {= )
~Neshomeh
I bin doin all the slash stuf buy myslef. Gald to see moar of that.
-D4rkm0k, L0rd 0f D4rkn355
((I wish it were a contest. That would be a lot of fun. -Phobos))
Unfortunately, I don't think you have the slightest idea how sex actually works. That's okay, since I also think you're about twelve, but maybe you should just stick to reading for a few years, if your parents let you get away with that? I certainly won't stop you.
--Lemony
I kno lots about sex! My storys r way beter then urs probly r!
((Oh dear. You seem to have upset the poor boy. What ever shall he do? -Phobos))
If you can define "frenulum" for me without looking it up, I might at least believe you've taken an anatomy lesson once in your life.
Either way, I welcome your comments on my story when it's posted. I'm sure they'll be very insightful.
--Lemony
(( Lemony is expecting a bit too much, of course. I had to look that up to make sure it was what I thought it was. Fortunately I was right, because I like that word and I promised myself I'd use something else if I was wrong.
(( Do I sense petty I'll-show-you, so-there fic coming? *g* ))
Its teh thing Im gnna kick u in! I lok forwards to ur commets on my story! Im sur the'll b stupid!
-D4rkm0k
Title: A 2nd Chance
Summary: My new story!!! 4 Aurora's nexta dventur, will she change hsitory when she fall sthru a plothole? Ul have 2 read and c! R+R thanx!
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Drama/Angst
Chapter 1: A Plothole 2... hWere?!
One day, a week after the Kudzu's and the MArquis's wedding, Agent Aurora E. Lorra of the Department of MAry sUes wuz walking thru HW. She wore her faovrite black tank top w/her cactus flash patch and a short skir that wuldn't tangle up her legs in a biadfic, and leather boots. Her hair was curly and blonde with borwn streaks 2 help her blend in better. She had blue eyss and wore contacts 2 help her c better.
Aurora was happe bcuz she had just joined the PPC and made new firends, and even helped them fall in love! She wuz on her way 2 her RC when suddenly, she fell thru a plotholw!
"Oh no!" Said Aurora. "Help!"
But there was no1 around, so she fell in and landed with a BIMP!
"OW," Aurora said. "Where am I?"
She loked around. She waz in a RC, but it wasn't hers.
Suddenly, the console BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPED! and there waz a lot of noise and lightning! Aurora dov efor cover under the bed.
"hey, watch it!" aurora said, getting up. "U could hurt some1 like that!!"
"Oh yeah?" said an agent. She had black hair and waz really pale and had red yess. "Who r u?"
"Yes, who r u?" said anohter agent w/a bautirful voice, who stood up from bhind a chair. "And whar r u doing in my RC?"
Aurora gasped! "OMG! I know u! Ur...... Agent Dafydd Illian! I must b in the past!!!!"
AN: DUN DUN DUNNNNNN! So Agent Aurora fell thru a plothole in2 the past, and now she's in Davydd and Selene's RC! Dafydd is so hawt, but Selene is such a bitch, lol. What will happen next?! Read N REview 2 find out!
XOXOX
(AN: Tnax 4 the reviews u guys! Ur the best!
~*Iximaz*~ I'm glad u r not mad at me, lol. I really do like Dafidd!
JayBird I KNOW RITE??! But I swear I'm not copying u, lol. I ttly got the idea from some1 else.)
"Yes, I am aGent Dafydd," said Dafydd, "but I say again: Who r u, and what r u doing in my RC?"
"Im AGent Aurora E. Lorra," said Aurora, "but u can call me Aurora. I fell thru a plothole and now I m here."
"And I'm Selene," said Selene. She folder her arms meanly. "Dafydd, we have a mission 2 do. Wat r we going 2 do w/this girl?"
Dafydd thought 4 a minut. "She must b here 4 a reason. We better take her w/us."
"WHAT?" shouted Selene. "U must b joking!"
"No, I am not," said Dafydd. "U don't want 2 leaver her alone in r RC, do u?"
"Well, no," said Selene. "Ok, she comes w/us. BUT JUST THIS ONCE. When we get back, she goes trait 2 the Flowers, and they can dwal w/her."
"Ok, I wil go w/u," said Aurora. "I can use a slingshot and a knife and I have poison dars. I promis I will b really helpful and not ge tin ur way!"
"We will c," said Selene, and Aurora frowned at her. Y did she have 2 b so meen?
"what is the mission?" said Aurora.
"Middle-earth," said Dafydd. "Elves enslave a race. A species of witches and warlocks. A Ring that holds the creator’s power. The daughter of the Witch-King. And a pretty land in Angmar."
"Interesting," said Aurora. "Will we b elves?"
"Yes," said Dafydd. He set the disguises. "Now lets get this over with."
The blue doorway opened, deposited the agents in a tree, and closed again. Selene groaned. "I think there is a branch through my spine."
Aurora couldn't help but gigle a little, even tho she was uncom4table 2.
“Shh,” whispered Dafydd. “The ‘Sue is right below us. Making a speech from a branch, it seems.”
"She is weird," whistpered Aurora.
The Suehad a waterfall instead of hair, and the ground underneath was all wet, and so were the ppl down there. They wer immortalsthat looked like humans, which waz stupid bcuz only elves r immortal im Middle-earth, and also the elves don't keep slaves but the immortal ppl were slaves even tho they had magic, which waz also stupid.
"Her name is Sairalindë," said Aurora. "What a pretty name. Does it mean anything?”
“Yes,” said Dafydd. “It means ‘I want to call myself ‘Saira’, so I’ll add a random elvish – or more likely elfish – word to it’. Lindë actually means ‘singer’.”
Aurora giggled. "Saira-singer."
They followed the Sue and collected more charges. Then there wz a scene hwere Sairalindë tried to convince Daeron to steal her ring back. Aurora had a bad feeling about this.
They portaled 4ward. They reached the king’s study just as Sue put on her wonderful shiny ring and glowed. Selene rolled her eyes, and looked around for Dafydd. He wasn’t hard to spot.
"I want that ring," Dafydd said."
Selene rolled her eyes.
I don't know," said Auroroa. "It is a poweful Sue weapon. It's a total canon-distorter."
"So?" said Dafydd.
But then the Sue did soething else stupid and there were spiders singing Avril Lavigne songs, so they had 2 mortal again.
They arrived in a patch of Generic Terrain (TM), the slightly colder air hinting at a higher altitude. Selene glanced at the words and sighed.
Dafydd was watching the ‘Sue’s ring as the people prepared for the night, and “Saira felt her ring warm on her finger; it glittered in the moonlight”. This resulted in an interesting image, the silver ring managing to visibly glow warmer whilst simultaneously glittering.
After a short period of general Angst, an elf stepped out of the shadows.
“Give it up, slave.”
“Give up the Halfling, she-elf,” added Dafydd, in a reasonable Nazgul voice.
Selene smirked.
"That waz pretty good," said Aurora.
dAfydd smiled. "Thanks."
As the ‘Sue caused the hapless elf to fall off a cliff, he glared at her. He then continued to glare until she left.
"Dont owrry," said Aurora. "Wee will get her soon. It's night now, so let's get some rest."
"Ur right," said Dafydd. "I guess I'm just tired bcuz this Sue is so stupid."
"Or SUEpid," said Aurora.
They all lauged.
The next morning, it waz time 2 kill the Sue. Aurora got her slingshot ready. The Sue waz standing on top of a hill, and Selene threw a throwing star at her and cut off her hand!
"U missed!" Said Dafydd. "u were only supposed 2 get her ring finger!"
"Sorry!" said Selene.
"Don't worry, I got the other 1!" shouted Aurora, and she used her slingshot 2 hit the Sue's boyfriedn in the head. He fell down, knocked out.
Dafydd started 2 charge ths Eue. “Sairalindë and Daeron, you are hereby arrested by agents of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. You are charged with having impossible hair, multiple stupid descriptions, grandstanding and unnecessary Drama, slandering the entire elvish race by causing them to keep slaves, messing with timescales - there haven't been 'many ages' in Middle-Earth - creating an uncanonical species, to whit, witches and warlocks, with Ainu-esque 'magic' – this isn’t Harry Potter, you know. Honestly, why did you have to do that? None of them have used this ‘magic’ except you, and you used that ring for it anyway. Oh, yes... where is that thing?”
Dafydd went 2 go get the ring. Aurora wanted 2 stop him, but they had 2 finish reading the charges.
“You are also charged with stealing two canonical names without good reason, having a nonsensical name, giving an elf a non-elven name, speaking in sentence fragments, utilising random italics, employing gratuitous Angst, diminishing the power of the One Ring by having a ring which acts in a similar way, disrupting the flow of time, speaking in brackets, manifesting gags, causing mysterious voices, creating a mini-UnCanon species, using the words 'people', 'snuggling', 'each other', and 'bondage' in the same sentence, using stupid turns of phrase, annoying PPC Agents, and being Mary-Sues. For all these offences, you are sentenced to death. Do you have any last words?”
“You can’t kill me!” cried Saira weakly. “If you do, the elves will-“
“Whoops, wrong answer,” cut in Selene, and killed her with another throwing star.
Meanwhile, Dafydd got the ring, and tey dropped the Sue's body under the NAzgul's horses 2 b trampled in2 oblivion and Daron was dropped in a 4est somewhere. Then they went back 2 HQ.
"And now," said Selene 2 Aurora, "We can deal with u. Let's go."
"Wait," said Dafydd. "I think I like her. We should let her stay."
"WHAT?!" shouted Selene, and lignting came from here yes!
"Y r u so mean?!" yelled Aurora. "I didn't do nething 2 u!"
"U do not blong here!" yelled Selene. "Dafydd is MY partner, not urs, and u shoud leave and go back where u came from!"
"Don't u think I would if I could?!" cried Aurora, and tears went down her cheecks. "I don't know how! NEway, I think Dafydd is right, I must b here 4 a reason, and I want 2 stay and help!"
Dafydd stared at Slene seriously, and finally she stopped the ligtning. "Ok fine. U win this time. But if u cause ne trouble, I wil kill u yself! U got that?"
'Ok," said Aurora. "I hope u will c that I just wat 2 help. So! Where do I sleep?"
(AN: OMY that is the longes chappie I hve ever written!!! Aurora got 2 go on a mission w/Dafydd and Selene! Wow, lol! I had so much fun writing this! I hope u liked reading it. Plz R+R!
XOXOX)
(( The butchering begins... ))
I tihnk you are bedder tahn taht chick who wrote Dafyd's old sotries, are you secritly TOLKEIN b/cs your sekrets out now brandy!!!
I tihnk Aurora is teh best argent in tihs sotry and she shuld totall get togethar with Dafydd and tehy should kill Selin b/c iVe allways hatted her. BUT WAIT JAYBIRD you sae DONT YU LIEK CONSTANCE ASLO???? will my freidn I have two wrods for you: three sums.
Lol no, Im not Tokien lololol. Unless ur secritly JKRowling or Stefany Meyer or sum1, lol!
Yay! Im so glad u like Aurora! :D I dunno if she will fall in love w/Daffyd yet, should i take a vote? I fppl really want that i will writ it, lol.
Wait wut I though Selene and Constance were the same person and she like changed her name or sumthing? That gives me an idea thoguh, lol. But NO 3SUMS, thats not my thing but if u like it thats cool, m not juding u lol.
BUT....... I have 2 go out of tow this wekend 4 sum family thing so I dont know when I can post the next chappie!!! D: Soz JayBird. D''':
(( So yeah, getting on a bus this afternoon, and my cat decided to make a mess for me to clean up this morning, so I'm a bit behind schedule. "Woodsprite of the North" will have to wait to receive the Brandy treatment. And yes, she's only bothering with the ones that actually have the ring in them. It's going to be really weird doing "Brown DragonRider," but I already have plans for it. *eg* ))
brandy yu ar writing a nuw sotry arleady! Taht is so AWSOM. Adn its abut DAFID. Yu and me are writin abut Dafydd at TEH SAYM TIME - and we r both writi abou TIM TRAVEL! We musd by CYCLICALLY LINKED!
((And thus we see that JayBird has noooo consistency at all as to what she'll call plagiarism))
HE IS SOOO MUCH COoKER THEN U COLD EVER B! Y r there so many flammers on this site??? D:
No no, I like Dafydd! Did u red the part where i said he haz a beatiful voice and hez hawt?? D: D: D:
XOXOX
I hav dislecksia so its nut my falt!!!!
(Not really, but how often do badfic authors use that excuse?)
Fire Love of the PPC was mad. The people heal were just so jealous of her amazing talents. She couldn't help it if she was just so much talented and prettier and musical and special and kind and talented and acrobatic and lovely and better then they where. Only her super Hottie boyfriend Mason really understood her (A:n he lok jut like Legolas!!!!!). That awful agent Seych was the worst though. She ran her fingers through her fiery rev hair that followed over het shoulders. Look in the mirror she saw a woman with perfect breasts, Petty sparking bye eyes , and pink lisps. Today she was wearing a hot pink minis it that emhasixed her curbs. She also wore a glittly sliver top that showed off her boobs. Delilah sliver shoes where worsen on de feet. She walked over to her phone and called her best friend Air Winter. (Did you like it? Chaptah to conin mep weak?!!!!?!!!!,!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A/n You guys are so mean. Here's the next chapter, it'll blow you out of the water!!!!!!!!!!! Air Wind was Lyon on her bed when She herd the fine wring. "hello?" she said. "Hi" said Fire Love. "Whats up Air-chan?" ( Air is Japanese so she talks like that.) " Not much really." " Do you want to go to Karakura Town? We could look at all the hotties." "Hell yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Alwright let's meet at my place tomorrow" "What will you be wearing?" "I'll be wearing my short black miniskirt with my hot pink halter top, gold hop earrings black lipstick dark eye shadow and black pumas." " Okay I'll wear my pink kimono with block bots with red lipstick purple eyeshadow and pink rouge." I hope those awful goths don't show up" " Yeak Ixi and Destoyer are such uncool posers" A/N see? Day Erza sew much bitter. (( I encourage you all to make like the Human Torch and FLAME ON))
Beautiful, beautiful block bots. I have never seen a color so beautiful in my life... and now I'm blind. (Thanks HopeandLove!)
(Yay! Flaming!)
Wow, I don't think you could ever get a beta. They'd be too horrified by the job and run away screaming. Your sentences are awful, and your logic is non-existent. Does Fire Love seriously use 'Air-chan'? Just because Air Wind is 'Japanese' does not mean that everybody around her calls her Air-chan. I think you just wanted to show 'ohmigosh! I know soooo much Japanese!' and be an irritating fangirl. (Speaking of, why do so many fanficcers use all this Japanese in their writing?)
And why, WHY, are you giving us so much description of their clothes, and not the important stuff? Both of them seem to be in a huge white place with a bed, a phone, and Kamakura town. I'm sure, since you gave such interesting descriptions of their clothes, you could do it!
One last thing. The dialogue. There is no way any child would talk like that. Oh! I'll just randomly ask you what you'll be wearing, because.... Logic!
One last thing part 2. This is so cliche that... I can't. Japanese girls don't always wear kimonos, unless this was like... The seventeenth century.
I was blown away.
By your stupidity.
I think this is my favorite reveiws do far
Here's my prescription for improved writing:
1. Write. Write some more. After that, keep writing.
2. Read quality published literature of the sort you want to write. Read some more. After that, keep reading.
3. Compare what you read to your own writing. Notice the differences. Figure out what you can do with your writing to make it more like quality literature.
4. Rinse and repeat.
... Okay, I'm not actually saying this just to be nice. I admit, it amuses me to see puffed-up twits like TheGreatDestroyer squirm. >: )
--Lemony
>rev hair
>legolas boyfiend
>perfect boobs
>bye eyes
>pink lisps
>degenerate clothing
>all of this wish fulfillment
Christ, its like a barbie for adults.
I have a tip for improving your writing. Firstly, locate your computer's power source (battery if its laptop, power cord if desktop). Secondly, pull it out and beat yourself over the head with it. Repeat until to concussed to write any more.
Um so I tryed doing tihs (b/cas I ALLAYS want to imporve my riting) and now my hed herts. I dont' tihnk it umprovd my writng eiter. Whats' congussed meen?
...concussion is enlightenment.
My agent is perfect. I'll write chapter 2 and it will be the most amazing sing u Evan red in your light.
THIS WAZ A STUPPID STORI N U R STUPPID SO U SHOLD STOP RITING NOW
((You requested flames and flames were given, though they're kind of weak. Maybe you can use them for s'mores? *shrug*))
U Tink ur so tuff? Then wight ip bitter.
(( Even small flames can bring down a forest if given the right fuel. Plus beggars can't be picky)).
AND TEN ULL FEEL SO STUPPID HAHAHA
shes such a good character! (sorry I no spel god thos wrsd back der mst be aful r smthing)
omg omg i call mason!!!!!!!1!!! hes' sooo hottttt!
Where are the other three (to fit in with the Classical Elements pattern)?
And, are you continuing this story on Fanfic World?
Tank up 4 de help
Fire Love sounds so pretty lol! Wire more!
XOXOX
Summary: Agent Darkotas uses his dark powers to eliminate the threat posed by Mary Sues. Fantasy/Action. PG13.
Darkotas crouched in the bushes, tracking his prey. Using his superior Fel-enhanced senses, he soon found them - a horde of Sues. Grinning wickedly, he turned to his minions, who suddenly appeared behind him with a wave of his hands. "Are all of you ready?" He said with a smirk. They all nodded. Rushing out of the hole he was in, he set upon the Sues. He grabbed the first one with both of his hands, cursing the unfortunate target with a withering curse. As he did so, he drew his spell blade to stab another nearby Sue, consuming the soul as it exited the body. After the curse was complete, he removed his hands from the first Sue, turning to face another. Behind him, his minions pounced on a third Sue, tearing it apart. As he faced a large group of heavily armed Sues, he saw a lone figure attempting to sneak up behind him. Still facing the armed group, he turned to cast a horrifying illusion towards the attacker. The threat averted, he resumed charging his spell. They rushed towards him, and he released his power, immediately incinerating the Sues into a pile of steaming glitter. He turned once more to glance at the final Sue, screaming in fear as the visage showed him his greatest fears. The Sue stabbed wildly, catching Darkotas with a direct hit. The blade bounced off of his armor harmlessly, and slew the Sue. He decided to take a trophy, and shrunk the head of his foe after burning the rest. As he walked towards the barren land where he was hiding earlier, he cracked a smile.
I reall like ur story! Darkoats is really cool, i bet hez hawt lol. But what is he, tho? He does curses, os is he like form Harry Potter or sumthing? Also who r his minions, and I think ur supporsed 2 put blank lines btween parts like when sum1 talks? Not a flame, plz dont b mad! Write more, I realli like this!
XOXOX
That@s what fell means, rite? Lol it does'nt matter anyway becaus I really liked this!
A wall-o-garbage, that's what.
Can you write anything else than gratuitous viloence or are you not old enough to understand what dialogue is?
0/10. Somebody kill me.
I can tell that my creative genius is unappreciated here. The lack of dialogue represents the void that exists in the heart of the character, while the sparkles of the Sues represent the futility of endeavor that the flames attempt to quench. The minions are the inner demons of the protagonist in an outward form. Not that I would expect any of YOU to understand, though. I shall simply take my works of art to another fanfiction site.
Good call on leaving here.
Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
(( Can you please flame my story? I think I would enjoy playing whinny Suethor? -Seychelles ))
In all seriousness, though, instead of going around flaming, why don't you try giving better constructive criticism? Like, "You need to start a new paragraph whenever a different person speaks."
Not your hateful comments. They help nobody.
Your rating method seems familiar... I'm pretty sure I've seen you before. Do you go around flaming everyone out of sheer spite?
Suck it up, you big wuss. Your not going to be coddled forever, so might as well get used to the harsh realities of life.
The Internet is full of @$$hats like me. Maybe you did see me somewhere, maybe yuo didn't.
(This is what happens when your two regular internet names show up in close proximity. :P )
Summary: Ranrina is a Agent Of The PPC and is half Angle half Time-lord... Can she keep her fathers' identity a secret?? R&R PLZ NO FLAMEZ!
Chapter One
A/N: OK guys this is my first PPC Fanfic and I hop it's good!
Ranrina was sittin in the RC, Rc 3-apple-14, her emraldgreen eys wandering arond the RC. Her choclatbrown hare tumbld down her back liek a waterfal of choclat and her wings were spred behind her. She was a Agent Of The PPC a half Time-lord half angle. Her mother was a angle sent to wach over Doctor who who was her fahter. But nobody new that but her. (A/N: If u guyz have a problem w/that then to bad lol.) her wepins were a glong wite how taht were carved w/pics of Galliferayan writin wich were carved w/pics writing that said cum liket werberabat (thats latin for w/this lite I smite you) and a sowrd. It had a dragon rapped around the handle part. She is 17.
Rinranda got up and decided to practis flying. She tok her bow and shoot 10 targets in the Bulls'eye. Tired she decided to take a nap put that was wen.....................................................,............
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!]
Ranrina groned. She was soo tired but a Agent Of The PPC never gets to sleep seriosly she had no sleep for like a month but it did'nt matter because she is half Time-lord half angle, though so it didn't matter. She got redy for her next misson.
A/N: Waht did u guys think?? :D :D :D Plz R&R Ranrina needs the luv lol!! Btw I won't update untill I get at least 5 god revews! K thanx!
I lie this! I have never cn a half Time Lord half anfle Agent b4, nd Ranarina is cool! I liked the part wher she shot her bow in the air, that as super cool lol. What will her mission b?! Plz write more!
XOXOX
Ranrina is so cool! Are her wings feathery or like a bat would have leathery dragony wings which I think are way cooler. Update soon! :)
And it smells like s**t.
At least you know how to paragraph. That's about the only redeeming thing this pointless waste of time has.
-1/10. You've reached a new low in my eyes.
You go around making comments about how horrible everyone's writing is. And while I do agree that these stories are nowhere near as good as they have the potential to be, you don't need to go about saying things in such a mean way.
You don't even know the difference between you're (a contraction meaning 'you are') and your (which shows possession, as in "Your story needs work."). You, sir, have no right to flame these authors when you yourself can't seem to grasp the most rudimentary rules of grammar.
(Iximaz here- I just want to see where things would go in the event another sensible person like Dystopian Utopia decided to show up. Cheers!)
Your just words on a screen.
You have no power over me.
I do what I want.
- - - -
((Are you sure about Dystopian Utopia being a sensible person? Think again. Don't read if you're easily squicked out, though.))
I feel sorry for anyone who reads "Inner Strength." It is a masterpiece of well-written awfulness. I also slightly regret contributing suggestions to Phobos for making it more disturbing while he was writing it. >.
~Neshomeh, who has a horrible ability to take Phobos' bad ideas and make them worse.
No offense to Phobos' badfic writing abilities, of course. Cupcakes was just my first gorefic and it kind of scarred me for a long time. Still, no denying it was disturbing in more ways than 'intended'. :}
this is lik my favortist thing EVAR!!1! is ranrina part weping angle? that would be AMEZiNG!
I shold ttly do that! Thanx for the idea!
Summary: The beauteousness of the Fictional Worlds is invisible to those blinded by hatreds of beauteousness.
Rating: PG13
Genre: Drama/Character Study
________
Author's note: I am greatly disappointed by the quality of fiction offered upon this cite, but there is no better place upon which to place my stories because the PPC is not as broadly appreciated by intelligent people as it should be and the categories available upon other cites are effluvia. Here is a tale more appropriate for the needs off the world of the PPC.
__________
Gleaming, glittering morning sunlight suffused the penumbra of mists lying upon the deep green leafy woods of Mirkwood, terpsichorean photons swaying between droplets of suspended moisture in the mist in an intricate dance of magnificence. Far off in the distant view of the agents stepping foot into the woods, the stolid mountains loomed in porphyrous shadowing against the light of the misty morning glow.
Agent Cicily Orion inhaled a deep, cleansing breath and breathed out again, watching the smoky fog she exhaled become part of the mist and the swirl of colors upon the morning light. Her partner, Agent Joe, ignored the glories of the gleaming, suffusing mist and sharpened his ugly, notched knife. "Let's go get this bitch," he said roughly, his voice raspy but somehow slick as oil spilled on trembling waters innocent of wrongdoing.
"Wait a little moment or two, Joe," admonished Cicily with gentleness and faith in her partner's ultimate humanity and openeyedness to beauty in the world around them. "Observe and behold the colors and intricate dance of the world around us. Truly a world woven of words would be nothing so beautiful if it were not for the eye beholding it, for beauty is in the eye of the beholder and we are privileged to behold its beauty. Do you not see what magnificence is here in the smallest of raindrops or the intricate, effervescent swirl of a galaxy's primal dance? We are privileged."
"I don't care about beauty, no matter how terpsicohorean the glory of the universe is," Joe snarled. "I don't have time for beauty or glories. I am here to end a life, not prattle about foolish things that mean nothing to the business of blood. The only beauty I care about is the beauty of the Sue, and beauty is a crime for a Sue to have!"
Cicily's breath caught as if her breath had been stolen from her chest by the breath of Boreas, God of the North Wind. "Beauty is never a crime!" she cried out passionately, her words ringing in the mist-wreathed woods. "You are blinded by your hatred of things that are good in the world! If words are truly foundations of everything, as the ancient people of ancient Egypt knew to be true in their wise hearts, why do you hate a world made of words? Words and beauty are like the ancient twins of Greek mythology, Castor and Pollux, bound together for eternity in harmony and effervescent joy of beholden union!"
"Shut up," sneered Joe.
Cicily bowed her head as if pleading forgiveness. She did not beg forgiveness from the universe for herself, but for Joe, who did not understand what was to be understood. Then she drew her long, gleaming, silver spear with the authentically shaped Roman head and thrust it into her sneering partner's chest.
He gasped as he fell, and his misty breath mingled with the mist and his red blood fed the soil upon which he fell. Even Joe could be beautiful.
"When shadows fall across the face of time," Cicily murmured, "those with clocks will regret their foolishness."
The world sighed around her as her words of purest truth blended and suffused the misty morning, twining in harmony about the wise young queenly woman who fought to help them against the forces of sneering smug impetuousness and vicious cynicism. She felt their humble, loving thanks and laughed joyously, stretching out her arms to engulf them.
I’m always happy when I find something here not written in this strange language I cannot read. U no wut I meen, d’u?
But don’t you think that you overdid the urple prose a bit?
Hrnms.
And yes I damn well will call you Shirley if I want to.
Ahem. You seem like an intelligent person. And when I say "seem like," I mean that in the sense that a wax apple seems like the real thing until you actually look at it full-on, or touch it, or (heaven forbid) try to bite into it. But, let's give you the benefit of the doubt. You do understand that Cicily being a PPC agent is hypocritical, right? She's 100% Mary Sue herself. So come on, seriously. You're trolling us, right?
You could at least leave Terpsichore out of it. What did the poor Muse ever do to you?
--Lemony
Some of your words I didn't really get (I think you made up "terpsicohorean") but the parts of it I understood were good! Too bad about Joe, though. It's always a shame when partners come to blows like that. Or come to stabbings, I suppose.
Write more plz!
Pinky
I'm always worried I use too much description in my writing, but seeing something like this, I guess I'm not as bad as I thought!
My favorite thing here is that while the author/agent Cicero is clearly over-the-top in their obsession with beauty, the counterpoint in Agent Joe is also clearly wrong.
Look, man. I can hear through my monitor the sounds of your're beaten-up thesaurus sobbing for mercy. Normally, children learn that big words don't equal intelligence by the end of fourth grade, but you don t seem to be at that mental stage yet so I'll spell it out for you in big letters:
YOU WROTE FANCY H0RS3S#!T AND DISGUISED IT AS ART
This entire pice can be summed up as "they had a disagreement, so she shanked him".
Lord have mercy on you're soul.
0/10, try harder noob.
Chapter 7: THE END?!?!?
(AN: OMG this is it! The last chappie! I ope u like it, lol!
JayBird: IDK? teh Marqis is meen bcuz he is sad, so if u get his haracter rite, it shuld b ok? Tnax 4 reviuing!)
So AGent Auroroa took the Ring and wen tback 2 FiCPsych, and gave it 2 the Kudzo. "Here you go!" said Aurora. "How will this help u b a girla gain?"
U c, Aurora sed the Kuxdu this ring is not really a ring. I sed it wuz a secret weapon, and so it is. Bhold!!! And the Kudzu took the ring nd held it up and upt it on 1 of her purple flowers, and FLASH!
There was a flash of light, and beams of 7 colors of teh rainbow leaped up from the ring and lit up the kudsu like the aurora borealis! (AN: I got eh idea 4 this from JayBird, hope u dont mind JB!
"O wow," said Aurora, "its just like my namesake!"
Yes, said the Kudzu. That is how i knew u were the 1 2 save us. thank u, Agent Aurora! I am female again! And now I will go 2 the MArquis de Sod and confess my love!
And she did.
Marquis de Sod she sad, I have loved u 4 a very ong time, but i wuz afraid 2 tell u bcuz u r so mean all the time! But now i know it is bcuz u r so sad. Please let me help u!
And the Marquis said, Kudxu, I had no idea u felt htat way about me! I love u 2, but I though every1 hated me and liked the SO better. Im so glad u told me!
And they hugged!
Later that month they got married, and invoted Agent Aurora 2 b the maid of honor and Frodo 2 b best man (bcuz he wuz there when LEgolas turned every1 OOC and he wuz friends with Auroroa). And they lived happily ever after!
TEH END!
(AN: So that is it, the very lastchappie of my story! I hope u liked it. Plz READ N REVIW! I have another story idea based on adraam i had, but idk if i will rite it, lol. Do u think i shuld? Let me know!
XOXOXOX)
((There is a three part story by Ellintyra Lloysinthayr titled 'A Daisy's Heart', explicitly set in the Jaycaciaverse, and also featuring the Marquis de Sod falling in love - and then vowing never to love anyone again when she dies. Stars above, Jaycaciaverse!Marquis has the biggest character arc of any Flower I know! ~hS))
I yust went bak and red ALL OFF YOUR SOTRY and it took me OURS b'c it was SO CUUL! I lovd the prat where Aroroa comfitted the Markey and the part wehre she helpd in FicSyck and EXSPECIALLY the prat wehre she helpd the Kuzdu and th Markwey get 2gevah! Taht was SO KOOL.
I totly tihnk you shoul writ anotha sotry! On of my favrite storie is bassed on a dream som1 had about tihs guy named Limp or somfin (LOL I forged) so tahts a goo way to writer!
Aslo woul you midn if I brorrow Aurora for on off my sotries? I pormise I wont' hurt her!!!!
But dont worry, I'm writing a new story called A 2nd chance! Its not the 1 from the dream, its a differnet 1, but Im really axited about it! :D
Limp, I dont know who Limp is lol? Ill hve 2 look at ur stories again, they r all so good!
OMG yes, u can ttly borrow Aurora, i trust u lol! Wow, thats so cool. :D Thanx!
XOXOX
Maybe if you wanted to write good, youd unstick you're head from the garbage can it's been shoved it, wipe the $#!t from you're eyes, and actually use a bloody spellchecker once in a while.
And stop writing about romance, you stupid preteen. You obviously know nothing about it.
YOU SUCK. Ur just meen and jealous bcuz ur not as good as ppl like Jay and Acacia (even tho shes meen) and hS and any REAL writers, so u just go around being MEEN to ppl bcuz u have no life. At least Im TRYING. GTFO N DIAF!!!! D:
XOXOX
Its sad what this world has come to. Stay classy, you wonderful 11-year-old, you.
You wanted a review? I'm just giving a frank appraisal of your work. I just so happen to tink its garbage.
imbecilities, I ca'nt say the same for you.
Your probably just a lonly fat olf homofone ho can't even get a GF! And u keep takling abot spellchek but you put random #%€£\ cymbals like these and did'nt correct them! GO AWAY AND STOP FLAMMING YOU HATER.
>Implying that I'm not gay
>Implying I don't work out and take care of my body
>Implying I don't already have a significant other
>Implying censoring out swear words is a bad thing
Nice ad hominem, jerkass.
Funny you mention that I'm "homofone" because I disagree with you're position. What is this, Tumblr?
All right then, if you wanto play that way, I will. Go play somewhwere else, you fat-shaming culturally appropriating white supremacist cishet scum.
- - - -
((I swear that the Social Justice Warriors on Tumblr are exactly like 4chan's /pol/itically incorrect board but without the self-awareness.))
It would appear that one of the neanderthals from 4chan has decided to crawl from the slime long enough to smear their particularly green brand of excrement around the rest of online society. Not only that, but they have predictably decided that the best use of their time would be to have an intellectual sparring match with a child.
If you must be so devoid of worth, at least try not to be a cliché in the process.
-Dystopian_Utopia
Still lurking around the place and shoving your nose where its doesn't belong, I see. Last I saw you, you were . How's you're life, then?
What I do with my time is really none of your business, so you can go and do something else for a change. Like go outside, you sad excuse for a human being.
Come, come, you talk greasily; your lips grow foul.
- - - -
((Thank you, Shakespearian insult generator.))
You must be getting desperate to seem intelligent. I must confess, I thought you unaware of how foolish you are, what with your being unable to finish a sentence or close your HTML tags. I was going to excuse you for your ignorance.
I had, mercifully, forgotten our previous conversation. However, I am glad to know that, with so much changing so quickly in the world, that your lack of writing skills has remained constant. Thank you for that.
-Dystopian_Utopia
((What have we unleashed upon the world? Glod help us all.))
theres no excuse to not use its brilliance against someone.
You still seem big on belittling everyone. That's good for you, I guess. Have fun finishing grade school.
- - - -
((We've just replicated your average Internet witless shouting match minus the heavy-grade insults, insinuations of homosexuality, and lengthly discussion of our relatives' sex lives. Maybe it seems different because it's in the context of the PPC...?))
I still think u shold ttly rite a new story!! Id love a sequal!!!!
Thank u! *hugs* I am ttly writing a new story rite now, its called A 2nd Chance and its about Dafydd and time travel! I get so much inspiration from my friends, lol! HUGS!
XOXOX
Category: PPC
Title: Ponys of futuure passed!
Rating: PG
Summary: Sparkly EDesu is he only hop 4 the fautuer! Pls Reed 7 Rveue! Noflames pls!
Action/Friendship
A/N: Thea PPC is doing abunch of AI futere stiries and I thonk its a goos idea. So Ih ope you likeit ! ———————————————--
Sparkly Desy wus waking thru the halls of teh Ponys of te Plott Continum barn (A?N::)). She as hapy an smilling but shewas aslo sad and unhapy bcuz noone was being frendz. Thiss was teh fture an it wasnt' gud,
Sudenly their was a flesh of lite and their was anuther Sparkly Desu standing in font of he otter Sparkly Desi and they wer both the same and wer boht pink and bith had suparkawaiidesunes yelow mains and there cuti marks wear almst the smae smily face but the other one jad a eyeoatch on herr cutie mark and they luked at eachother and siad "Iam Sparkley Dessu and I a froom the futeure and I am hear too yell u that u most go too the psat and make evry1 be firends agan!!" "Ok, I wil go to teh past end make evry1 be freinds again." and thy used the powwer of freindship and went bak in tim!
"We hav made it badk in time!" "Yws we have!" And than their was antoher Sporkly Desu in fribt of thema nd they were all teh sam nad they said "We r Sparjly Desu adn we r form the future an we r her to trll u that u most mak every1 be frinds!" "I wil make evrey1 be freinds!" and tehre was a fklash if lightand their was aother Sparkky Desuu stnading their and shee wad evern more SUPARKAQAIIDESUNES thne the otheras! "Teh futrue is fixd!@" adn they al hac a party cuz teh futtre was fuxed!
A/N: Ihope u like teh stry. Teh duture is savd! Pls R7R butt nofalmes! Be nic!
I love this story is so cool and Sparkly is awesome but some of the words were kinda confusing. NO FLAMES DON'T KILL ME just was that another language or something?
((Figured this chick was just literate enough to be a hypocrite.))
Im confused, tho, there r so many Sparklies lol! I dunno whic 1 is which! Xcept the 1 with the ipatch lol.
U gave me a gr8 idea 4 a sory with time travel, 2, so thanx!
XOXOX
I CNAT BELEVE U WOLD TINK DAT WAS A GUD STORY EVERY PONY WAS SOOO OUT OF CARAKTER AND U SHOLD GO DIAF YOU STUPID BRONIE LEARN HOW TO RITE
(Sorry, I just felt it was time someone got flamed. :P )
Pls im sory nad I wnt do itagin! Pls dint b mad!
</3 </3 </3 </3 </3 </3 </3 </3 </3 </3 </3 </3
:(
((I hope you're proud of yourself. :P -Phobos))
I luked the part wehre tey used the pwower of FREINDSIP to goo backk in Tim becus thaht is sucks a coil pwower! Alos the prat wehre tye forth Sparky Desy cam adn tolled tehm it was ok!
The comments below are pure gold.
I mean seriously, we have experienced sporkers pretending to be like 12 year old fangirls (Who's creations are their regular targets).
What gets more hilarious than that?
Can a newbie without Permission take the time to attempt to write a PPC goodfic to test her skills?
I at least would appreciate finding a gem between all this unreadable nonsense.
((OOC: And not withstanding Huinesoron’s warning, it may even be possible to get some OOC serious concrit between flames and fangirlism. HG))
We've had a few goodfics snuck in there before. Remember, though, that your fellow fanwriters are the worst kind of caricature fangirl caricatures, and you'll probably get told everyone's out of character and flamed into the ground. ;)
hS
Srsly u guys are sooo much fun n I cant wait to try this out 4 da first tiem!
Summary: Agents Rina and Randa r doin nothin until... THE CONSOL GOES OF!! Its a misson in da HP UNIVERSE!
Sorry, just having a bit of fun here. I'll post my thought-out badfic later. ...or is that contradictory? ;)
-Iximaz
((Psst... The link for the category just shows the header for the page and nothing else-- no links, stories, etc.))
In order to make the site moderately updateable for me, I made the decision a couple of years back to render it in Javascript/XML. If you don't have JS enabled, you won't see the category page. You can still look through the stories by typing the addresses as http://fanfic_land.webs.com/FfW/Story39-1.htm, where 39 is the story number and 1 is the chapter (we're up to 41 stories on there as of last year), though I think it'll still cut out the headers.
If you do have JS enabled and still aren't seeing it - what browser are you using? It, er... oh. Well, it worked in IE last year. I'll see if I can figure out what's gone wrong. I know it works in Chrome...
hS
It didn’t work in IE for me last year, nor did and does it in Firefox. When I tried to trace messages this summer, I got the impression that there may be an internationalization problem concerning character code pages. Unfortunately I get the messages in German and still did not find the time to reinstall a browser set to English.
Additional questions to Pretzel: Where are you or what is your browsers native language?
HG
One is that IE is stupid, or possibly smart; either way, it couldn't read slightly-misformatted XML (I believe it was a single-character ellipsis in one of the summaries that broke it). The other is that IE - unlike Chrome - won't allow javascript to insert portions of tables. So IE is stricter, and therefore doesn't work where Chrome does.
But I've fixed it! Well, I hope I have.
This page is a test version of the hopefully-functional PPC Category. Could one or more of you fine people let me know if it works this time? ^-^ Note that it is a test, so isn't integrated into the site yet, and therefore that clicking any links will take you to un-repaired files. Once I'm certain the fix is an actual fix, I'll try and roll it out across the site.
(It works in IE9 and Chrome; that's all I have access to, I'm afraid)
hS
If I may make an aesthetic suggestion, though, a little padding would go a long way. Everything looks pretty crowded right now, especially with the stark black bars with stark white text.
I mean, since you're already doing so much work, what's a little more, right? {; P I say this as someone who knows your pain: at some point I'm going to have to bite the bullet and upgrade the Holiday Songbook to CSS. I don't know how many files are in there, but it's too many. (Speaking of which, if anyone knows an easy way to make a sortable table, I'd be much obliged.)
~Neshomeh, off-topic.
That's just CSS tweaking, I was doing that anyway. The real trouble is going to be updating the 155 files already on the site... how does the 'slightly more padded' version look?
I've now rolled out the fix to the main Category page, so IE/Firefox users should be able to see all the stories with their chapter counts. I've also implemented what I think is the same fix on JayBird's profile and her first story. If someone can confirm that those are working, I'll set to upgrading everyone.
hS
(PS: As to the CSS - you can do ten times more with CSS than I thought it could be used for, so I'll be of no help there. Sorry!)
Still needs some space on the left side, though, so the words aren't smack up against the side of the box.
JayBird's page and story look pretty good, too. All the stories are showing up on her page. Are the story boxes supposed to stretch all the way to the edge of the profile box, though? Currently they're stopping short, leaving some gray space on the right.
Also, I don't see any reviews on the story. Are there not supposed to be any?
~Neshomeh
Apparently Webs have decreed in their infinite wisdom that javascript files now require you to have a Premium account (y'know, the one that doesn't let you use the HTML editor any more, so is entirely useless for my purposes). For some reason, despite no longer appearing in my file storage, Chrome and IE can both still find the JS files - but I can't edit them.
It seems like it ought to be possible to store them on GDrive and run them from there, but I can't make it work (nor can I make CSS work from there, which is a shame, because I'd much rather stick the Board's CSS on GDrive than Webs-the-Crash). So: anyone got any advice?
hS
Thank you, random commenter jpearls! You have just saved the PPC, though you will never know it.
'course, that still means recoding 155 files... oh well! Knew this was too easy...
hS
So, here iz my nu and 1s sotry for this thing, hoep you guys enjoy this R=R plz!!!!
The old-Nu Agnt
Summary: a oldagent returns and shoes the a nu agent how to do fings.
Rating: E
Genre: Action
Agent Thorne Blake Spectre Gawainson strode confdiently thru the hall of the PPC, he'd returned cos he'd heard that the nuagents weren't doing a gud job of killng off da sues and he'd been needed to clear sum of um up and train som newbies ups. Reachin the room of da first agent he was to train Thoren knocked. A quic scuffle waz herd behind the door b4 a youngish looking agent appeared. "Sup" Thorne sed "my name's Agent Thorne blake specter gawanison, I'm hear to train you to b a bttr agent." "Ok" the man behind the door sed "I'm called Apollo." "Ok then Apollo Thorne ed "Letz get a missiun up andsee how you do." walking over to the machine (A/N I forgot what they're called) Thorne clicked on a special link that let him see all of da missiuns available. "Sneior agents only" hesaid as explanation to Apollo, already predicting waht was on da other agents mind. Seeing a gud mission Thoren claimed it and opened it up. "Com'on" he sed to Apollo "letz see wot this is like." "Ok" Apoolo sed stepping through the portalthing after Thorne they landed in a forest, "right letz gt ot work" Thorne sed "How" Apollo asked. thorne shook his hed "Rookies he said. "It's simple, us proper agents can see the difference between canon and the bad prts of the fic, and mst good agent have powers that let them remove it like this." Thorne concentrated as he spread his forcefield round the world, collecting up all the bits of badfic and hurling thm off planet and into the sun. "lets find another fic for you to do tht on" thorne said. "I can't" Apoolo said "I can;t do that, I'm just an archer." Pfft archers" thorne said 2train in a real way of combat thorne patted the two katanas on his back, until then why don't you leave the badficsto us and do somefing more ur thing on da other sidde of the PPC. "Yeah that douns cool" Apollo sed. "Thanks Thorne for helping mesee the way, I'll let you do your awesome fing and I'll support you where I can." "you do that dood" thorne said as they exited the badfic. "now Ineed to help another newb and you should go seed the Marquis du Sod to change sides yeah."
With that Throeen and Apollo split ways and Apollo was happy in his nu position and Thorne Spectre Blake gawianson continued on helping newb agents where he cood.
A/n how do you do the line things they'rerelly cool. Plz rview or I won't rite agian.
JayBird is my fiend and if u dont stop I will report u 2 the fanficWOrld admis!!! If u cant rite sumthing original, GTFO!!!
XOXOX
Lol I thout th nu agent (cant remembr his name lol) was ttly n00bish becuz serisly he cant do coooool force fields liek thorn whos a ttly a HOTTIE!!! ;D ;D ;D
Btway cold u plz check out my story about Ranrina da half tiem Lord half angle agent?? Its SUPER GOOD!! But i havnt posted it yet D: But when its up, REVIOW PLZ!
Taht pwower of Thron Bake is TOTERLY PLAYJERISTED from mi frist Jaycacia Thornbyrd sotry. Yu sohuld be BNANED, b/c yo hav mayed me CRYE now.
I reeeeeallllly like thissss!!! Torn Black Gawinsin is soooooooooooo badass!!!!! Write moaaaaar!**Dazz**
(Im trying out a new SIGNATure!!! DO you like it???!!!)
I was going on the principle that, now Laburnum's been gone a few years, they probably weren't particularly on anyone's mind. But you are correct. Stormsong and Skyfire are not allowed to be used by anyone except Laburnum.
hS
Just wanted to be sure people knew.
I'm just tired of saying it. ;) It's been a lot of years...
For that matter, the Wiki page for Fix-It suggests we ought to be banning him, as well... or is that just for canon stories?
hS is now being entirely facetious
Im os exited 4 this! Iv ben working rly hsrd on a stoy!
((Funny story; I just found out that I started a fic last year that I don't remember starting.))
Your seriously starting toget on my nerves, here. Its not very hard to learn from you're mistakes and yet here we are. Year after year, this pointless contest pops up on this Board and year after year there is only drivel.
Oh well. Might as well crituque all of you're stories.
- - -
((SeaTurtle, standing by to snark.))
...to know that his presence worries one of the community's Venerated Great Old Ones :P
Hooray! I can't wait to read them.
Summary: Another amazing adventure in the Department of Inaccuracies.
Genre: humor/parody
Rating: E for Everybody who can read can read this.
DISCLAIMER: I still don’t own the PPC, nor do I own World of Warcraft or anything else that you may recognize. But Androiaavata is mine, and I will never give up on her!
Author’s Notes:
All the reviews I got last time were so enthusiastically encouraging that I just have to do this again. Thank you, Dazz, I love you.
Somebody (not a reviewer) told me that putting author notes into the story is annoying. I will not do this again. It’s all up here now.
I was reminded that it’s good practice to link to the story that was "visited", or at least give its title and acknowledge the author. Since I forgot this: The "Minor Correction" was applied to "Why am I Here", which belongs to Jay Thorntree and Acacia Byrd.
Somebody complained that I announced a badass team, but then my second agent was not more than a bit character who didn’t really do anything and wouldn’t even have a name if it had not been mentioned in author’s notes. I promise to give her more to do this time, and you may even note some character development.
My cat got kittens, they are adorable. If you want one, e-mail me. The address should be in my profile. (Please don’t misuse this to send me flames.)
Oh, I nearly forgot again. The story to which the mission goes this year can be found here [broken link].
BTW, the Universal Translator has been repaired. On to the mission now:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The agent whose name will not be revealed sat in his RC writing fan-fiction when the console BEEEPed and a half-dressed night-elf ran out of the bath-room. The male eyes watched with pleasure as she crossed the room and bent over the console to read the Intel report.
"Oh, it is for our secret second department again", said Androiaavata. "And I’m afraid this time we will need the wiki printout." Her partner looked puzzled and slightly disappointed as she hefted the flash patch displaying the quill dropping red ink onto her long blue gown, heaved a huge tome from the book-shelf and, holding the book high above her very pointy ears, strolled over to his desk.
"What story is it?" asked the man.
"This one", answered the night-elf, bringing the book down on his head. WHACK! "Watch your rating!" WHACK! "You know quite well –" Whack! "– that I would not –" Whack! "– appear half nude –" WHACK "– in a place –" Whack "– where you can see me."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A/N: Ouch, this was unexpected. Anyway, read and review, please. (Yes, I learned what Plz R+R! means.) And maybe you can tell me in your comments what you think the rating should have been. I don’t get why Androia was so angry. Is this adult content or what?
I expect to get at least twice as many reviews as I got for the previous story, otherwise I will never write again.
((OOC Note to fanficWorld Admin: The [broken link] is broken because I cannot edit the Board. Inserting a link back to itself there might add to the fun. HG))
This was too funny! I loved the twist you had there. Super meta FTW! I hope to see more with these two soon!
Pinky
in the "Mysterious Nonscience Reader 2014". But it is quite different. Androia gave it to me to show me "how it’s done right". Ha!
Hrnms
OMG I GOTT SHOUTEDD OUTQ!!!! YAY!!!!!!I!1!! I reeeeeaaaly like the story too!!!!
Byebye!
-Dazz!
WhY did Andorava hitt her pratner on teh head wiht the sotry theyr bein sent intu? Iz taht a new wai for tem to get intu itt? T hat sounds quiet col! I mite youse that. Um anywaz it was patty short but cool.
((OOC Admin Note: Should be possible. I like that. :D)
I mean EWWW wat a PERV! D: But it was prety funny wen she started wacking him lolol XD
I relly liked dis!!!1! Mabey u cold reviw my story wen i get it finished?? Taht wold meen alot 2 me!!
You won’t get anything ever if you don’t pay attention. Androiaavata hit me over the head with a solid printout of the PPC Wiki probably a mile thick. I still have a headache.
A Morning of Mourning
Angst/Action - PG-13
A sotry abut my new semi-favouri agent, SUPERNUMBERARY! Also mayb som SUSPRISES!
A/N: HAI GUYZZZZ!!!!! ITZ ME JEYBIRD! Ok so I have a new favourite agent JUST KILLING!!! Obvs my favorite argents are still JAYCACIA and JAY and the SO but I hav a new SEMI-FAUVOTIRE AGENT. His name is SUPERNUMBERARY and he is SO HAWT. So tihs is my story about Supernumberary. Plsz R&R!
Supernumberary was riding through HQ on his partner Illian, who was a blue horse thing only he's got eyes like a snail on his head and no mouth (A/N: whats up with taht?!?). And they rode into the Tomb of the PPC Agent, and Supernumberary got down from Illian and knelt on the floor.
~Oh wow,~ said Illian (A/N: he tolks in flanty lettrs but I don no how 2 do tehm ok???), ~what is this place? It's pretty big.~
"It's the Tomb of the PPC Agent," said Supernumberary. "It's where we write down all the names of all the PPC agents who have been all the killed." (A/N: C what I ddi their???)
~Oh wow,~ said Illian, ~so who are all the people who are named here?~
"Well, there are lots," said Supernumberary, still kneeling. "There are Elizabeth and Anya and Osbert, who were the first PPC Agents. There is the Mysterious Somebody, who was in charge before he got killed. There is Jaycacia Thornbyrd, who has since come back to life."
~Of course,~ said Illian, ~I know that. Everyone knows the great Jaycacia.~
"I know," said Supernumberary seriously. "There is also the Untangler and the Agent, who are Time Lords, so they got better as well."
~That must be really useful,@ said Illian. ~I wish I was a Time Lord.~
"Maybe someday you will be," said Supernumberary encouragingly. "And there are lots of other names, like (A/N: culdnt' think of tehse so fil it inn yousef!)"
~But what about Acacia?~ asked Illian. ~Surely she is also dead.@
"We can never be sure of that," said Supernumberary seriously. "Acacia had powers beyond our understanding and also she is evil."
~Oh ok,~ said Illian. ~So why are we here?~
"I needed to pray," said Supernumberary, "but I have done it now. So we can go."
~I don't like this place,~ said Illian, as they walked out of the door. ~It's sad.~
~Yes,~ said Supernumberary seriously. "It is the Tomb of the PPC Agent."
~Ah,~ said Illian, ~that would explain it.~
He iz so hawt, lol! But...... i thought he wuz an elf? Why is he bue, and no mouth, wut?
Som1 told me how to do tha slanty letters: u do (i) worswoswods (/i) but with instead of ( ). Hpe that helps, lol!
I still idk who this Supernumberary guy iz, lool. Wher did u read a bout him?
Ur still the best Jaybird!
XOXOX
AGENT EVAR!!!1!
And he's soooo dreamy :3
Let me Google that for you.
If your too ignorant to evenbother using the internet correctly you shoulden't be here.
A/N: ONG NO REVUEWS?!?!?! Wh does noboy luv me antmor?!?!? iS it becasduh of that FILTHY PLAYJERIST Aurange Abalez? I bet it iss!
Well the jock is on you Aurange: I wil keepe writinge depsite youre atemmpts to slience me! Adn to everone else: plz R&T! teh playjerisist has no pwower over yu!
So Supernumberary rode Illian further through HQ until they came to the Cafeteria. "This isn't where we are going," told Supernumberary.
~It is now,~ said Illian. ~I have a thing I need to do.~
"Oh ok," said Supernumberary seriously. "Do you need to pray as well?"
~No,~ said Illian, and walked into the Auditorium. ~I have to get some food.~
"But how will you eat food?" asked Supernumberary. "You have no mouth."
~There is an Endermen who also has no mouth," said Illian. ~He shares his food with me. Look, there he is now.~
(A/N: Ok so I dont' kno anythig about Endermens so tihs miyt be wron ok??? soz)
The Endermen dropped down from the ceiling and held out a plate to Illian (the plate hadn't spilled because he was so good with his reflexes). {Here you go,} said the Endermen. (A/N: He has no muth so he tlaks finny to oky?!?)
~Thank you very much,~ said Illian seriously, taking the place. On it were seven crystals of different colours arranged into a rainbow.
"How will you eat them?" asked Supernumberary, who was still on Illian's back.
~Watch,~ said Supernumberary. He bent his head and stared at the crystals, and from them leapt beams of coloured light like tiny lasers which shone up into his eyes and filled them with glowing light, and when the beams faded the crystals were gone and Illian's eyes were glowing like the Northern and Southern and Eastern and Western Lights all in one.
~That is how I eat them,~ he told Supernumberary.
"Oh, I see," said Supernumberary seriously. "I suppose it saves on brushing your teeth. So are we going now?"
~No," said Illian. ~That is not why I brought you here. I brought you here to listen.~
"Oh," said Supernumberary. "And what am I listening to?"
Illian ran to the middle of the cafeteria and looked around at all the agents who were now staring up at him. @I have an ANNOUNCEMENT to make,~ he said. ~For years you have known me as Illian, the (A/N: cent' remimber his specys!) who is Supernumberary's partner. Many of you are my friends, and some of you,~ he looked significantly at Agents Lux, Suicide, and Falchion, ~are more than that. But there is something none of you know about me.~
"What is that?" asked the agents simultaneously.
~This is not the first time I have been in the PPC,~ said Illian seriously. ~Before I was Illian I was... Dafydd Illian!~
A/N: Yay revues! Im gald you lieked it! Orange Abbles YOU SUX you meane playjeriser. Ev1 esle yo ar awsum xcept TehGrateDestoryer you SUX aslo. N/Eway I knowticed Supernumberary's pratner had teh saym naym (LOL see wha i did tehre?) as Dafid Ilien so tahts' wher tihs sotry came form. Aslo at teh edn of tihs caphter ehre is aNOTHR surpise so se if yo can gess who or waht it is!!!
The agents in the cafeteria gasped as one, and Supernumberary gazes at his partner in awe. "But how is that possible?" he asked seriously. "Agent Dafydd was an elf, and you are an ansalight (A/N: Tahnks ~&Izimax*# fo teh name!). They are very different."
"You are very observant,~ said Illian. ~But here is something you have forgotten about ansalights: we can change our shape!~ And he held up his arms, and from out of his eyes poured light in all the colours of the rainbow which bathed the agents in a tumescent glow like if all the stars in the sky were glowing together and when it faded Illian had turned back into an elf, though he was still blue.
"Oh, now hang on!" called an angry voice, and another blue elf came out of the crowd with his arms folded. "You cann't be a blue elf," he said, "for I am the Blue Elf, who is called Al's Waiter."
"Why are you called that?"
"Because I work in the Cafeteria as a waiter, and my boss is the Al-Flower," said Al's Waiter.
"Oh."
"Anyway you cannot be blue, because you have not eaten too many Smurfs," said Al's Waiter. (A/N: Iz taht righ?!?!?)
"But there is something you do not know," said Illian, who was Dafydd Illian. "I am actually you... from the future! (A/N: when he waz Dafid hi war makup ok?!) I came back in time to join the PPC again, and that is how I know your real name." And he bent down and whispered in Al's Waiter's Ear's.
"Oh ok then," said Al's Waiter.
"But I don't understand," said Supernumberary. "Why have you joined the PPC three times? Why are you revealing it now? How did you time travel? And why aren't you wearing any clothes?"
Illian laughed and through his arms back. "So many questions!" he said. "But they all have the same answer. As Al's Waiter, I saw what is about to happen, and knew that I would have to cause it. As Dafydd Illian, I made my plans, but had to leave when the evil Assassin Acacia tried to kill me. So I came back as Illian, hiding from her followers."
"I don't think that answered any of my questions," said Supernumberary seriously.
"But this will," said Illian, holding up his arms. "By all the powers of the Elves, Smurfs, and Ansalights - by all the magic of the Flowers That Be - by all the wonders of the Word Worlds - I summon the rift!" And rainbow light shone out of his eyes and hit a point in the air in front of him, where they widened into a tumescent hole in space and time, glowing with all the colours of the world and even more which Supernumberary had never seen before.
And through that hole fell...
A/N: Kk so no1 guest what was comin threw the rift - tehts ok! Becus now yo can fnid out! Tahnk you for all teh revuews!!!
Through the swirling rainbow of the rift fell a tangled mass of vines and bones. Supernumberary jumped back. "Ew!" he stated. "Why did you want to bring that to HQ?"
Illian frowned. "I don't know," he admitted. "Every time I change, my memories get a bit scrambled (A/N: liek a THYME LORD!!!) so I've forgotten. I'm sue I had a good reason though."
"I am not so sue," Supernumberary said seriously, only he didn't, because he was interrupted by Agent Aurora E. Lorra (A/N: HUJE BIG TAHNKS to brandybaby for ledning me her charachter! Yu sohuld go reed her sotries when your'e done with min!!!) who had gone over to the bundle.
"There's someone in here!" said Aurora, pulling away a handful of dead leaves. "OMG! She's beautiful!"
The girl in the leaves was indeed beautiful. Her hair shone with a pure silver-white light, her skin was smooth and soft and warm, and though she had a youthful figure she still had curves in all the right places. Her eyes were closed as if in a peaceful sleep, but there was nothing peaceful about the way her hands were clenched around the vines which entangled her.
She was also entirely nude, and Supernumberary gazed on her in awe. "Is that why you had to be naked?"
"Apparently," said Illian seriously. "Certainly I don't intend to complain. Do you think I need to do something to wake her up?"
"You could kiss me," said Aurora, and then blushed prettily when Illian looked at her. "Her! I meant her. It's traditional, after all."
"I might take you up on that," Illian murmured, "but only when we have figured out why she is here."
Suddenly the girl in the vines shifted slightly. "Father," she groaned.
"She's your daughter?" Supernumberary demanded. "That's just sick, and also I didn't know you had a daughter."
"I don't!" Al's Waiter protested.
"Actually you have several, but not yet," Illian told him, and then told Supernumberary, "and she isn't any of them. I would know."
The girl on the floar moaned again, digging her fingers into the floor. "Father," she said insistantly.
"Well, she isn't my daughter," Supernumberary said seriously. "Does anyone recognise her?"
"No," said the agents gathered around them - all except Aurora. She had been kneeling next to the girl, and watched as she slowly opened her eyes. They were the blue of sapphires, of lapis lazuli, of the sky and of the sea.
Aurora gasped aloud. "But that's impossible," she gasped. "You were supposed to be dead - or at least trapped, for eternity!"
The girl smiled weakly. "Eternity is a very long time," she said, and with Aurora's help got to her feet. "Hello, my friends," she said, looking around at the agents, "it's nice to meet you. My name is Jaycacia Thornbyrd."
~
"Jaaaaaaaaaaa-!"
"Shh." Jay's hand snaked between a couple of branches and slapped itself over Acacia's mouth. "Look."
Acacia struggled free, gave her former partner a quick glare, then sighed and looked where Jay was pointing. "It's a bird," she said. "Some sort of songbird, I think. So? I didn't think birdwatching was your thing."
"Shh." Jay pressed a finger to her lips. "Any moment now..."
The hawk struck like a lightning bolt. One moment the songbird was sitting cheerfully on its branch, minding its own business; the next it was simply gone, replaced by the stooping hawk, or more precisely by the pathetic bundle of feathers in its talons.
Acacia tore her gaze away as the hawk began to feed, and found herself face-to-face with Jay's best manic grin. "Go on," Acacia said, "say whatever it is you're beaming about."
Jay's smile got even wider. "Dinosaurs," she announced. "And much cooler than the lumbering great things of the past. These ones fly."
"... right." Acacia took a deep breath. "Jay: she's back."
Jay's eyes hardened in an instant, the smile simply vanishing. "She's dead."
"And when has that ever stopped her before?"
((Oh yes. Yes I did. And you would not believe the size of the grin on my face when I got to write that name again.
Nesh - I'd apologise for dragging Aurora into this, but quite frankly she deserves it. ;) And her first story's first chapter established that she shared a universe with Jaycacia - which means that, in light of <a href="http://fanficland.webs.com/Story29.htm">2007's Love and Secrets, there are now three Jaycaciaverse (oh dear Iluvatar) stories featuring Dafydd... I wonder how his continuity will hold up?))
I men it was relly good n stuff but whos Jacacia thornbrd? And whose her fahter??? RELLY GOOD UPDATE UPDATE UPDAET!!!1!!
((Meanwhile I am running around screaming in horror.))
WOW JayBird u hve done it again! I waz 4 realz on the edge of my seat waiting 2 c what would happen and u did not dissapoint! I mso happy that Jaycacia is back, and Aurora helped! And Illian sed he would kiss her?!?! I LOVE IUT!!!
But who is her father? I thought she waz the daughter of Jay and Acacia, and Acacia was sort of her father but shez a girl, so maybe she has aother father somewhere? I can't WAIT 2 c what u do next!!!!! :D :D :D
XOXOX
(( ... *facepalm* We all should have seen that coming. Of COURSE she's back. {X D
Hmm, should we worry that her continuity is growing? What's critical mass for a badfic gaining its own sub-reality?
Aurora totally deserves whatever's coming to her. She is one of the biggest Sues who ever Sued, and soon to be more so. In fact, she is now explicitly out to wreck Dafydd's timeline. See, it occurred to me that I couldn't remember seeing a PPC badfic in a classic "Tenth Walker" sort of vein, with an OC joining the canon characters, upstaging them, stealing their lines, and messing up important plot points, so I decided to do one. *g* I've established that Brandy has a bit of a thing for him, and he has such a nice arc with the Ring of Sairalindë, not to mention his female partner and his love interest to bash out of recognition along the way. It's perfect. ^^
Also, after what you've done to Nume and Ilraen I'm pretty sure that (a) you deserve it, and (b) you'll probably laugh about as much as I have been. ^~
~Neshomeh ))
((I mean, we know for a fact that Jaycacia at one point existed in the main PPC 'verse - there's a reference to that fact on her Wiki page, even. But it's worse than that: she has internal, long-term continuity. Her father was established waaaaaaay back in Funeral for an Angil - and she's still referencing it.
And I think Constance is about to join the Marquis on the emotional rollercoaster ride... excellent. >:D ~hS))
Time travel is always cool, even when it doesn't make any sense. It adds a whole new kind of layering to the story, you know? anyway, I can't wait to see what came through that portal. Ive got an idea, but I wont say what it is cause I like to be surprised. Keeping my gfingers crossed for it!
Pinky
This story is sooo good! Dont listen to the haters, please please please keep writing!
((I love this--getting so close to actual conflict and then killing it at the last second. I never did notice the similar names for these two guys.))
YAY!! :D :D :D Im a huuuuuge amimorphs fan so i can ttly help u if u ever need it! But waht is a Als WAiter? Nyway this was amazin liek always!!!1!1!!
U R so meen, leaving us hanging like that! Lol, JK.
I'm trying 2 guess what's next, but I dnno! Is it...... that Hunisoron chic? I think some1 said she and Davydd r the same person? But shes a grrl, so I dunno, lol! Also shes not blue.
Write more soon!
XOXOX
Sure, Supernumberary 'rode' teh ansalight (cant remember his name sorry) ROFLMAO.
Do'nt give up this story I love it!!
Iz not trying to plagerisee you, I woz finkin that Thorne woz liek a male version of Jayacia thornbrid cos hse's soooo COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!1!
Anywayz it shoodnt matterr that they share a name they cna bof b are charactars liek Sam from LOTr and sam from supernatooral bof haf the samee names but aren't da same character (altho tht wood b cool, Iz goin to do dat Xovar nou)
I red ur last stery butt I dindt R7R. Gomenasi Jaybrid-kun! I
Pls rite moar!
~Ponyrella96
OMG what a wtwist, lol!!! i guess that edplains it!
I LOVE the bit about the rainbowz! that's so pretty!!
im sorry ur being playgarized, Jarbird, tat SUCKS. dont ever stop, ur 2 gud!
XOXOX
(( You're killing me. {X D I swear I hadn't read this chapter before posting Brandy's review on the first one. ))
There's a fine way to start my morning! Sheesh. That is gloriously pointless. Also, I am fascinated by JayBird's apparent talent for picking up on fringe details while completely missing the important ones. I'm curious: did she read on the wiki that "Supernumberary" was raised Catholic, or did she just happen to notice that he says "Jesus Christ" a lot without realizing that he's swearing? *g*
I'll have to come back and try to get in-character later. Need tea first.
~Neshomeh