A/N: IMG!!!!!! ~8Izimax*~, reed mi porfile!!!111! Hoe hard can itt b?!?!?

And umm, evryon esle - y no revuews???? Do yo not like my sotry nemor?!?!?! NEways on wih the stor...

So the SO began to grope Jaycacia, and they were about to have sex when...

"Stop this right now!" bellowed a voice, and Constance burst into the Cafeteria! "Dafydd," she snarled, marching across the floor, "did you really think you could get away with this?"

Illian looked shocked. "Constance!" he said seriously. "How did you know I was here?"

"You mean, after you ran out on me?" she demanded. "Honestly, Dafydd, how stupid do you think I am? I followed the horse footprints back to HQ; that's how I knew where you were."

"I left you to protect you," Illian said bravely. Constance just laughed.

"You left me so you could sleep around!" she explained. "Don't think I don't know what you've been up to. For instance, most recently you have been kissing... her!" She pointed at Aurora.

"Constance... rwl paware pev!" Illian protested in their secret language (A/N: 'I lov yu!')

"Pel cheedaware mwv," Constance snapped back. (A/N: 'you cant' love me') "Pel poithase mwv!" (A/N: 'yu left mi!')

"Posabiba pioth," said Illian sadly, "thed rwl esoithase pev." (A'N: 'It was hrad, but i had to leav yu'.) Constance started to reply, but he held up his hand. "Pev pasasewrel rwl." (A/N: 'you are sitll my wife')

There was a long, dangerous pause, and then Constance sighed and said, "Ka pel pasasewrev rwv. Rwv paware pel." (A/N: 'adn you ar still mu hubsand. i Love yu') Then she looked across at Aurora. "And what about her?"

"I think she's hot," Illian admitted, "and have done for a long time. Don't you think she's hot?"

Constance looked at Aurora. She was 5'0'' with curly blonde hair dyed with dark red-brown streaks, worn in a ponytail down to her mid-back. She had dazzling blue eyes just like Jaycacia's, and was wearing a PPC uniform but cut to be flattering to her curves and show her stomach and also she wore big sexy boots.

"I do think she's hot," she said, and Aurora blushed prettily. "So are you planning on having sex with her?"

"Riol rilwrev pev," said Illian, "ka rwl rilwrev pev, ka kioth rithwrev pev!" (A/': 'I wil sleep wit her & ill sleep with yu & all selp with everone!') He threw his arms wide, and Constance looked at him in awe.

"I think I prefer you now you're blue," she said. "Let's have sex."

"Ok," said Illian.

The SO looked at Jaycacia. Let's have sex.

"Ok." Jaycacia looked around at everyone. "Let's have sex."

"Ok," said everyone.

So they all took their clothes off (A/n egsept Jaycacia who was already nud!!) and then Illian had sex with Constance in the missionary position, and Jaycacia had sex with the SO in the doggy position, and Aurora had sex with Supernumberary in the butterfly position, and Al's Waiter had sex with Jay in the spoons position, and then Illian had sex with Aurora in the cowgirl position, and Constance had sex with Supernumberary in the lotus position, and Jaycacia had sex with Jay in the reverse cowgirl position, and the SO had sex with Al's Waiter in the lateral coital position, and then Illian had sex with Al's Waiter in the reverse cowgirl position, and Jay had sex with Supernumberary in the suspended congress position, and Constance had sex with the SO in the leapfrog position, and Aurora had sex with Supernumberary in the T-square position, and then finally they all had sex at the same time in all the different positions.

"Wow," said Jaycacia, "that was really good. I'm glad I came back from being trapped at the beginning of time."

"Yes it was," said her lovers, "and so are we."

"But wait!" exclaimed Jaycacia, and her hair began to glow brighter. "Something's wrong... no, something's right... that's impossible!"

"What is?" asked her lovers.

"I'm... pregnant!"

~

"Dear sweet generic deities..." groaned Jay. "What is she on?"

Acacia looked smug. "I'm well out of it," she said. "In fact, hey, I wasn't in the last one, either. Life is good."

Jay scowled at her. "And women - even Roman women - who comment on that fact get their comeuppance."

"Says you," Acacia sniffed. "But Legal has no authority over me, and I left the Parcae behind two thousand years ago."

"Yeah," Jay agreed, "but you haven't left me behind... and it's my spare bed you're sleeping in."

Acacia sat bolt upright. "You wouldn't dare!"

But wehre r ur other story's???

Nyway, IM SOOO HAPPI U HAD SUPERNUMBRERY BE SO SMART N AURORA N ILLAN KISSED EEEEEEEEEEEEEE

But its kinda ewe taht Jaycasua n the sunflowwer r gon 2 hav sex >:P I tihnk that wood b paneful!!

((I did 'lol' at the end though.))

Fans is sooo amazing!!!!!! Please right more

You know, I'm having a hard time coming up with in-character badficcer reviews of this because it's just a few shakes shy of actually being good. O.o Like, the one majorly canon-breaking thing is that Derik would never, ever deliberately set himself up for getting a new dragon, even a non-Pernese one. The rest... I can kinda see it. Even through xXxDragonLoverxXx's weird habit of sticking different thoughts together where the words happen to match.

So... Kudos for that? I guess?

~Neshomeh, conflicted. ^_^;

Martin talks funy, adn I dont' tihnk I like him. Mayb you sohuld have made him niser to Halley? Like he cold have given her food or somthin, and aslo not have tyed her upp. But iM glad teh Mary-Su is gonig to die!!"!!

((Well, I liked it. Your NSFW language got snipped out by the Board. ;) I also noticed that the sentence it's in lost its opening quote mark; I've restored it for ffW.

I think Marten is in character, at least for The Gunslinger. He's more flippant than I think he was in Wizard and Glass, but I always got the impression his seriousness was rather an act. So no problem there.

And I like his reaction to the whole affair - downright irritation that his life's being manhandled (Suehandled?) this way. It's... yep, that's what I'd expect.

Care to offer up a title, summary, and rating? I've flagged it simply as 'Halley in Mid-World', but I can change that.

Also: I see from Halley's LJ that we have a Stinging Nettle teaching IT somewhere in HQ. Is that in the Wiki yet? ~hS))

(Issuer’s note: I post this again for my friend, although I cannot agree here. Implying that the Department of Inaccuracies doesn’t actually exist is ridiculous. Hrnms.)

Author’s Note: I may like to do more chapters. The miracle of Harry instantly knowing the whole holy scripture by heart deserves a honorary mention, as well as unnecessarily prayparating to Hogwarts when they could just as well take the Gospel Express or the Enlighten Bus. I would like to ask how her husband prayperating dinner and breakfast makes Minerva a good housewife and to speculate about which plot we will get with Voldemort. Will he abandon all religion, or will he abandon freedom of religion to establish one religion to fit all? But in case Real Life continues to interfere, I remembered the good tradition of writing the epilogue first. If this follows chapter 1, please pretend that Hieronymus returned from the bathroom.

---------------------------------------

"You know," said Hieronymus, "if the Uncanonical Department of Inaccuracies really existed, they should be sent in to replace some wrong words. To begin with, change Harry Potter to Gary Toddler, and make the Dursleys Lobelia and Herman Unbecome."

"What should we do with Dudley?" (A/N: If Dudley was not mentioned yet, ignore this question and the following answer.)

"Just remove the one line that mentions him? There’s no real reason why this should be there."

"And then send Gary to Pigfarts? That might be fun."

"Androia! Did you secretly watch A Very Potter Musical behind my back?"

"Of course not. I just extrapolated. Is this really a thing?"

"It is, and since it’s already taken, we can’t use Pigfarts, and we still need a new name for Hagrid."

(A/N: At the end of the second chapter, we still don’t know that Athena McGoodyshoes didn’t adopt her husband’s name and that Hippolyta Stranger is supposed to be their foster daughter. Since I don’t intend to include stage directions for every chapter this epilogue may be attached to, I decided to stop before we try to find new names for every character at school. Also, I ran out of names :-).)

"I would like Rufus Goodfellow," suggested Androia.

Hieronymus looked puzzled for a moment, but then let it slip to ask the more important question. "So you agree that this is original fiction and you can’t learn anything about Harry Potter from it?"

"What? No! I learn a lot from reading this. You tell me what is uncanonical, and then talk about canon and science and – are you aware that you talked more today than you did for the whole last week?"

This was the moment when the console made “Bip”, and the displayed chapter was replaced by a message.

Stop this nonsense now! Since you will be assigned to the Harry Potter Division, Agent Androia is required to know the original books. Whether this work of literary art you are reading instead, needs to be killed by the Department of Bad Parody’s Troll Division is still to be determined. We can assure you that we did excruciating research and found that the magic in Harry Potter is not of the Warcraftian arcane type. Return to your scheduled reading immediately!

"Well, you better don’t upset Upstairs," said Hieronymus, handing the book back to Androia.

Would I ever disregard a Board Decision?

Apparently HrnmsGrbrd and his minion joined forces to troll me.

And of course Androia did it totally wrong. She should have refreshed the fic’s header and then should have inserted a line about how it must be really good, because it’s so popular; it got more than 2000 reviews in one month, that’s approaching legendary levels.

HG

(continued)

"Hagrid laughed wisely. ‘Evolution is a fairytale. You don't really believe that, do you?’"

"Yes, I do."

"’Yes, I do!’ Aunt Petunia screeched."

"But she probably got it all wrong."

"’Well then prove it!’ – Can you prove it?"

"Actually no, because science doesn’t actually prove anything ever. We just attempt to describe the world in a formalized way that allows calculating the outcome of future events. If what happens doesn’t match the calculations, the hypothesis is disproved. If there is enough evidence that the world matches our calculations, the hypothesis may be promoted to the status of a theory, or even a natural law. But dropping five hundred billion stones still doesn’t prove that nobody will ever find a way to disprove Newton’s law of gravity."

"This is interesting, I –"

"From a scientific point of view, it's entirely possible that somebody created the world just yesterday or last year, and that the creator faked our memories, wrote our history books and arranged all these false evidence to make us believe that the universe must exist since at least several billion years. This hypothesis is inherently non-disprovable, it's just not very useful. Sorry, I interrupted you?"

“I once tried to drop a bird," said Androia. "It flew high up into the air. Did I disprove the law of gravity?"

"Ah, if you experiment with living beings, you get into dealing with the concepts of free will and defying entropy. Next time, try to drop an airship or a balloon, and then learn something about buoyancy. The so-called natural laws are actually simplifications that work in many circumstances, but if you want to make them work in all circumstances, you have to take additional factors into account, and it becomes more and more complex. If we ever find the perfect description of everything, it may be so complex that a universe-sized computer would be needed to do the calculations."

"I wonder whether Petunia knows this. –

"Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn't even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was! – Demanding to prove what we believe is a bit stupid. Why would we need to believe if we knew?"

"I don't see how either of them won the argument. They’re both stupid.”

"'Tell me how to get to this heaven place!' Harry cried wistfully, clasping his hands together. Sometimes, the wisdom of little ones is really amazing. We think we grownups know it all; but then God speaks through the mouths of little ones; and shows us how we are all mortals struggling along the path of life. Humility."

"I'm not sure whether it's god who speaks, but I wouldn't say that this is entirely wrong – except Harry's behavior in this story."

"'All you have to do is be saved. Do you want to be saved?'"

"Sounds easy."

"'I do, I do!' Harry squealed, jumping up and down."

"Really, Harry is supposed to be eleven! Do eleven years old kids act like this Harry? I don't remember, it's been a long time.”

"There is no sense in asking me. You made me full grown up and gave me no childhood memories."

"I'm sorry, that's how the game works. Can we watch how Harry is saved now?"

"'Then pray the sinner's prayer!' – What is the sinner’s prayer?"

"Dunno. You may look it up when we finished this chapter. We're nearly there."

"Aunt Petunia tried to stop him; but she was powerless against Harry's pure, innocent, holy energy. Soon, Harry had said the prayer. Hagrid beamed happily."

"Well, that was easy."

"'You're a Christian now, Harry!' Hagrid cried proudly. – That is it? Where is the conflict? The character growth? The struggling for doing good over easy?"

"Good over easy? Did you secretly read the books?"

"No, I just extrapolated. And look, it is not over yet –

"Harry smiled but then interrogated, 'But how do I be a Christian? I don't know how!'"

"Does he grill Hagrid?"

"Hagrid grinned widely. 'There is only one place to learn that-Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!' – Oh, he dropped the closing parenthesis."

"You're right. The title says Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles right bracket".

"May this be a typo?"

"That’s possible. Or maybe, for some weird reason, this site doesn’t display the full sideways smile you get when you type a colon, a hyphen and a closing parenthesis."

"You mean this may be a parody? And it was even intended to show in the title, but it does not work? "

"Excuse me, a have to go to the bathroom. We'll discuss this later."

"And there is another Author's Note: SO what do you all think? I may not be a professional writer; but I think I am being given the talent to pull this off in service of a greater mission equal sign closing bracket.

"Blessings!

"- Grace Ann – I wonder what Hieronymus would have said to this if he were still here."

(may be continued)

---------------------------------------

And another author's note: It is hard work to navigate this minefield with an Agnostic raised Christian and a Believer in a fictitious religion I know nearly nothing about. They are so easily distracted by their own issues. But it’s fun so far.

I hope I didn't offend anybody.

I also hope I didn't butcher World of Warcraft canon too much.

HG.

Chapter 1

"Author's Note: Hello, friends! My name is Grace Ann. I'm new to this whole fanfiction thing; but recently, I've encountered a problem that I believe this is the solution to. My little ones have been asking to read the Harry Potter books; and of course I'm happy for them to be reading; but I don't want them turning into witches! So I thought….. why not make some slight changes so these books are family friendly? And then I thought, why not share this with all the other mommies who are facing the same problem? So-Ta da! Here it is! I am SO excited to share this with all of you! So, without further ado- "

"This is not what the summary said," grumbled Hieronymus. "I've read fiction that had no magic and still wasn't family friendly."

"I bet you also wrote some fiction that was not family friendly, specifically about us. I just never found it, yet."

"That's unfair," complained Hieronymus. "How often do I need to apologize? There are really only the two pieces you know, and I tried to be subtle about the matter."

"I would not call it subtle," retorted Androia. "But since there was some magic involved, my comment may have been missing the point. I apologize for this. Now let me read further." And thus she ended this inane argument and continued reading.

"Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Harry Potter who lived under the stairs in a house on Privet Drive with his aunt and uncle. He was a good, obedient boy who did all his chores; –"

"Now that's not how I would describe him."

"– but he felt that there was something missing in his life."

"May have been his parents."

Androia raised her voice. "Something big and special; but he could not quite name it."

"The names might be Mrs. and Mr. Potter."

"He stayed up every night; and wished for this special something; but then one day, there was a knock at his door-and everything changed." Androia stopped reading to ask "Hieronymus? Do you know that it is impolite to interrupt when somebody else is speaking?"

"Sorry, I'm still not over this author's note. I always thought that Harry Potter is family friendly, and now I'm afraid that her take on family-friendliness may be quite different from mine. The start doesn't look good. She may have changed more than would be good for our purpose."

"You saying that the main character is not characterized properly does worry me. I admit this. But do you also imply that the original book revealed everything about Harry's parents in the first paragraph? I would probably call this bad story-telling. And it seems clear enough here. Mrs. and Mr. Potter are not available for some reason that is still unknown, so that these kind people took Harry in, although their house is so small that they cannot even give him a spare room to live in."

"Part of the problem is that the Dursleys aren’t kind. They dislike Harry so much that they don’t want to waste a room on him."

"So I got this wrong. But it may be clarified later. And I am curious who may be at the door. May I continue now, uninterrupted?"

"Go on then. I hope we will not be drowned in semicolons," muttered Hieronymus.

"’Answer the door, Harry!’ his Aunt Petunia, a career woman, barked from her armchair where she sat with her feet up. She had short, curly blonde hair and never wore any makeup. Uncle Vernon nodded sheepishly from the kitchen; and put a tray of moist, chocolatey brownies in the oven."

Hieronymus shook his head in disbelieve.

"What is wrong now?" asked Androia. "We get a strong female character, and a male character who is not above helping with the household work. Is this not what we want for children to read?"

"Just read on," sight Hieronymus.

"Shouldn't you be doing that? Harry thought; but he was a very obedient young boy, so he answered the door right away. He turned the brass, metal doorknob; and pulled open the heavy, wooden door."

“Now this sounds actually sensible. Don’t let your little kid open the door for a stranger, while you’re just sitting in your armchair. In case it is an alien monster, you are better suited to defend yourself."

"You see, it is already clarified that this Aunt Petunia is not as nice as I thought. It may not be word for word what you expected, but it is an accurate retelling and I can learn from it. Now let me see whether it is an alien monster –

"On the porch was standing a huge, muscular man with a big, manly beard; and he was dressed in a plaid, red shirt, blue jeans, and sturdy, leather boots. His chest was covered in a thick, unruly carpet of coarse, brown hair. He wore a necklace that looked to Harry like a lowercase T. Just looking at Harry feel happy, peaceful somehow; but ..." Androias voice trailed off. She frowned. "Who is looking at Harry? Why do they specifically look at Harry feel happy and why does Harry feel happy in the first place? His recent thoughts didn’t sound happy."

“I’ve no idea who this man might be," admitted Hieronymus. "But I think it may make more sense if Harry looked at something that’s unfortunately missing there, and looking at it made him feel happy."

"I will take a wild guess then, and also correct the tense shift," agreed Androia. “Just looking at the little tee Harry felt happy, peaceful somehow; but he couldn't say why! – Well, I could not say either, but it appears to make more sense this way. Let me see whether I guessed right –

"’Good morning, kiddo,’ the man greeted amiably; and smiled at Harry. He had the peaceful, friendly sort of face you just knew you could trust. ‘My name is Hagrid. Could I speak to your mommy and daddy?’"

"He’s meant to be Hagrid? This is far too rushed! Hagrid should not appear before chapter four! And since you don’t allow me to interrupt you, I would also like to mention now that up there I wondered how Harry could see the unruly carpet of coarse, brown hair through the man’s red shirt."

"I just assumed that Harry got X-ray sight. Since you imply that this is not the case, should I fear that there may still be some magic left in this retelling?"

“I don’t think so. There will probably be a reasonable explanation. Read on."

"’I don't have a mommy or daddy,’ Harry replied sadly; and looked at his raggedy, old shoes that were blue. Perhaps that was why he felt so lonely, he thought, not for the first time. Maybe that was what he was missing-a mommy and daddy. But no, that was not quite right. – Look, there was no need to interrupt me with sarcastic remarks in the first paragraph."

"Okay, I apologize for talking out of order," said Hieronymus, not using any adverb. "But I wonder what he might have missed even more than his parents.”

"’I am so sorry to hear that!’ Hagrid uttered empathetically. – I wonder," added Androia, "how you utter something empathetically. May this be a case of the threaded Thesaurus Abuse?"

"Maybe." Hieronymus’ response was quite monosyllabic. "Go on."

"’You can speak with my auntie and uncle,’ Harry retorted politely; and blinked his big, blue, childlike eyes."

"Green," groaned Hieronymus, "his eyes are green. You know, she may be retelling the movies. But even then a lot is left out."

"I wouldn’t know," replied Androia, using a contraction once just for the fun of confusing the reader. "Are Harry’s eyes blue in the movies? Did you notice that the semicolons are back? Can you imagine a polite retort? "

"Yes, they are. Don’t tell me you missed them. There was just one short paragraph with no semicolon in it. And no, I can’t. "

"Well then – ‘What do you want?’ Aunt Petunia peered out the door with her narrow, suspicious eyes; and she was wearing a baggy, unflattering pantsuit." Androia hesitated. “Is this, together with short, curly blonde hair, and a career woman never wearing any makeup, an accurate description of Harry’s aunt?” she asked at last.

"The eyes and hair may be canon, but –"

"I don’t want to sound misogynistic, but from what I have seen of World One media, I would expect that it is impossible to be a woman, have a career, and never wear makeup. Wearing a nice dress at work and baggy pantsuits at home I can imagine though, and I am not sure whether this is meant to be set in World One."

"Your definitions of career may differ. You think big business’ Chief Executive Officer, she thinks mechanic in overalls. But what I wanted to say before you interrupted me – canonically Harry’s aunt is a housewife, while Harry’s uncle is something like a CEO and never seen doing any household work."

"So they were changed into their opposites? Why should this be?"

"I haven’t any idea. I hope we’ll find out when you read further."

"'Hello, neighbor! I was wondering if you have been saved,' Hagrid exclaimed brightly; and tipped his wide-brimmed, straw cowboy hat."

"Will somebody please say something unadverbalized," grumbled Hieronymus. “We’ve already dropped most of the speech tags to compensate for the overflow."

"Aunt Petunia laughed a gravelly laugh; and leaned forward on her sturdy, practical boots. 'Saved? Don't tell me you are you – ah, there is one you too much here – one of those Christians?"

"Two," murmured Hieronymus for no apparent reason.

"Harry did not know what that word meant; but Hagrid's smile was the most peaceful smile he had ever seen. It made Harry feel warm and happy inside just seeing the glowing, radiant grin on the kind, friendly stranger's face. He wondered why Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon did not smile like that... I am not sure what I shall do with this ellipsis here. If this implies that the narrator’s voice trails off and there is a pause, I may take the chance to comment on the word that Harry does not know. It is one of World One’s bigger religions, but not being native to this world, I never studied it in detail. I suppose that Christians are obligated to always smile and save people? "

Hieronymus winced. "That’s what this version of Aunt Petunia may believe. But most of us – ah, most Christians I know, I mean –"

"But Hagrid is meant to represent Christians! Or maybe he is not? Oh –

"'Yes, I am,' Hagrid replied kindly. 'Are you?'"

"No, I’m not," mumbled Hieronymus.

"Aunt Petunia laughed again; and stuck her pointy, sharp nose up in the air. 'We are too smart for that. Haven't you read Dawkins? God is dead! Dawkins proved that. Would you like us to educate you on the Dawkins?' – Who or what is the Dawkins?"

"Clinton Richard Dawkins, famous British biologist and atheist," explained Hieronymus, who had quickly googled this on his smartphone that had never been mentioned before. "You know, that’s interesting," he continued. "To prove that god is dead, it seems necessary to prove that he was once alive first. I may need to read Dawkins works to find out how he did this."

"Can we pretend that this is not the right time to get lost in the internet?" asked Androia, slightly worried.

Hieronymus shrugged. "Oh well, it may not be worth the effort; Aunt Petunia probably got this wrong anyway. Go on, then."

"’What is a Christian?’ Harry queried innocently; and scuffed his shoe on the shaggy, yellow carpet which had not been vacuumed in quite some time. "

"Uncanon," snarked Hieronymus. "Petunia is one of the tidiest persons I’ve ever seen. Is she so busy having a career in this AU that she didn’t find the time to hire a cleaner?"

"’Christians are people who want to be good,’ Hagrid explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Harry. ‘We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?’ " Androia frowned. "Implying that people who are not Christians do not want to be good is a bit unfortunate. I might feel offended. And, supposing that this heaven is a good place, doing good only because they want to go to heaven sounds like a quite selfish motive. But you seem to believe that Hagrid does not represent Christians well. Can you educate me on the topic what a Christian is, then?"

A brief smile showed on Hieronymus' face. It had been a long time since she had asked for education. But the smile vanished soon. Better not touch these shameful memories. And concerning the topic –

"It's – complicated. You should ask a priest."

"You should ask a priest! This is what you made me say whenever somebody asked why I knelt at a moon well. It is not fair to quote it back on me!"

"I’m sorry. I don’t know your religion, and I don't even know where you got this belief. I just thought I should play you showing some respect at places I perceived as meant to be holy. Unlike some of the guys we’ve seen there."

"And apparently you do not know your own religion either. We have a serious case of not done the research here. "

"It’s not my religion. I –"

“Harry shook his head; and his big eyes were wide and curious.

"’Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God.’ – Is this like being with Ysera in the Emerald Dream? Although – Ysera is not a god, and we do not need to be dead to share the Emerald Dream. Actually, we need to be alive."

"I don’t know how being in the Emerald Dream is like."

"As I said: not done the research. Well, I have to draw on other sources then –

"Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry's young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, ‘Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays. Haven't you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things.’"

"Evil Aunt!" shouted Hieronymus. "I don’t need any religion," he continued calmer. “But I decided this on my own, after checking the facts. You shouldn’t shut your pupil’s ears and eyes. Helicopter parents don’t do any good."

"Helicopter parents?" asked Androia.

"They always hover above the kids," explained Hieronymus, "guarding them against any bad experience that might ever occur, and actually denying them any own experience at all. Effectively, they make the kids more vulnerable to the first bad experience that will inevitably come when they are not around."

"This reminds me of something," said Androia with a faint smile. "But I forgave you, and I predict now that Harry, since he was never allowed to think on his own, will inevitably be lost if his Aunt cannot defeat the intruder."

"Yeah, Uncle Vernon is apparently of no use there."

(to be continued)

There;s nothing better than a nice bit of slash. That goes doubles for slash in the PPC! My favorite M/M pairing is probably Nume/Suicide. I can't wait to see what you write, especially if gender bending is gonna be in the mix!

Pinky

You right slash? That is so disgusting. ( ( Do would you accept anthor opponent in the challenge of whinney bitching? And that seriously used to be my username when I was younger-Seychelles))

I TTLY CNAT WAIT 2 C U RITE!

(Are you and Phobos having a contest to see who can be the most squicky or something? If so, I am afraid. 0_o )

(AN: Tnax 4 the reviews u guys! Ur the best!

~*Iximaz*~ I'm glad u r not mad at me, lol. I really do like Dafidd!

JayBird I KNOW RITE??! But I swear I'm not copying u, lol. I ttly got the idea from some1 else.)

"Yes, I am aGent Dafydd," said Dafydd, "but I say again: Who r u, and what r u doing in my RC?"

"Im AGent Aurora E. Lorra," said Aurora, "but u can call me Aurora. I fell thru a plothole and now I m here."

"And I'm Selene," said Selene. She folder her arms meanly. "Dafydd, we have a mission 2 do. Wat r we going 2 do w/this girl?"

Dafydd thought 4 a minut. "She must b here 4 a reason. We better take her w/us."

"WHAT?" shouted Selene. "U must b joking!"

"No, I am not," said Dafydd. "U don't want 2 leaver her alone in r RC, do u?"

"Well, no," said Selene. "Ok, she comes w/us. BUT JUST THIS ONCE. When we get back, she goes trait 2 the Flowers, and they can dwal w/her."

"Ok, I wil go w/u," said Aurora. "I can use a slingshot and a knife and I have poison dars. I promis I will b really helpful and not ge tin ur way!"

"We will c," said Selene, and Aurora frowned at her. Y did she have 2 b so meen?

"what is the mission?" said Aurora.

"Middle-earth," said Dafydd. "Elves enslave a race. A species of witches and warlocks. A Ring that holds the creator’s power. The daughter of the Witch-King. And a pretty land in Angmar."

"Interesting," said Aurora. "Will we b elves?"

"Yes," said Dafydd. He set the disguises. "Now lets get this over with."

The blue doorway opened, deposited the agents in a tree, and closed again. Selene groaned. "I think there is a branch through my spine."

Aurora couldn't help but gigle a little, even tho she was uncom4table 2.

“Shh,” whispered Dafydd. “The ‘Sue is right below us. Making a speech from a branch, it seems.”

"She is weird," whistpered Aurora.

The Suehad a waterfall instead of hair, and the ground underneath was all wet, and so were the ppl down there. They wer immortalsthat looked like humans, which waz stupid bcuz only elves r immortal im Middle-earth, and also the elves don't keep slaves but the immortal ppl were slaves even tho they had magic, which waz also stupid.

"Her name is Sairalindë," said Aurora. "What a pretty name. Does it mean anything?”

“Yes,” said Dafydd. “It means ‘I want to call myself ‘Saira’, so I’ll add a random elvish – or more likely elfish – word to it’. Lindë actually means ‘singer’.”

Aurora giggled. "Saira-singer."

They followed the Sue and collected more charges. Then there wz a scene hwere Sairalindë tried to convince Daeron to steal her ring back. Aurora had a bad feeling about this.

They portaled 4ward. They reached the king’s study just as Sue put on her wonderful shiny ring and glowed. Selene rolled her eyes, and looked around for Dafydd. He wasn’t hard to spot.

"I want that ring," Dafydd said."

Selene rolled her eyes.

I don't know," said Auroroa. "It is a poweful Sue weapon. It's a total canon-distorter."

"So?" said Dafydd.

But then the Sue did soething else stupid and there were spiders singing Avril Lavigne songs, so they had 2 mortal again.

They arrived in a patch of Generic Terrain (TM), the slightly colder air hinting at a higher altitude. Selene glanced at the words and sighed.

Dafydd was watching the ‘Sue’s ring as the people prepared for the night, and “Saira felt her ring warm on her finger; it glittered in the moonlight”. This resulted in an interesting image, the silver ring managing to visibly glow warmer whilst simultaneously glittering.

After a short period of general Angst, an elf stepped out of the shadows.

“Give it up, slave.”

“Give up the Halfling, she-elf,” added Dafydd, in a reasonable Nazgul voice.

Selene smirked.

"That waz pretty good," said Aurora.

dAfydd smiled. "Thanks."

As the ‘Sue caused the hapless elf to fall off a cliff, he glared at her. He then continued to glare until she left.

"Dont owrry," said Aurora. "Wee will get her soon. It's night now, so let's get some rest."

"Ur right," said Dafydd. "I guess I'm just tired bcuz this Sue is so stupid."

"Or SUEpid," said Aurora.

They all lauged.

The next morning, it waz time 2 kill the Sue. Aurora got her slingshot ready. The Sue waz standing on top of a hill, and Selene threw a throwing star at her and cut off her hand!

"U missed!" Said Dafydd. "u were only supposed 2 get her ring finger!"

"Sorry!" said Selene.

"Don't worry, I got the other 1!" shouted Aurora, and she used her slingshot 2 hit the Sue's boyfriedn in the head. He fell down, knocked out.

Dafydd started 2 charge ths Eue. “Sairalindë and Daeron, you are hereby arrested by agents of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. You are charged with having impossible hair, multiple stupid descriptions, grandstanding and unnecessary Drama, slandering the entire elvish race by causing them to keep slaves, messing with timescales - there haven't been 'many ages' in Middle-Earth - creating an uncanonical species, to whit, witches and warlocks, with Ainu-esque 'magic' – this isn’t Harry Potter, you know. Honestly, why did you have to do that? None of them have used this ‘magic’ except you, and you used that ring for it anyway. Oh, yes... where is that thing?”

Dafydd went 2 go get the ring. Aurora wanted 2 stop him, but they had 2 finish reading the charges.

“You are also charged with stealing two canonical names without good reason, having a nonsensical name, giving an elf a non-elven name, speaking in sentence fragments, utilising random italics, employing gratuitous Angst, diminishing the power of the One Ring by having a ring which acts in a similar way, disrupting the flow of time, speaking in brackets, manifesting gags, causing mysterious voices, creating a mini-UnCanon species, using the words 'people', 'snuggling', 'each other', and 'bondage' in the same sentence, using stupid turns of phrase, annoying PPC Agents, and being Mary-Sues. For all these offences, you are sentenced to death. Do you have any last words?”

“You can’t kill me!” cried Saira weakly. “If you do, the elves will-“

“Whoops, wrong answer,” cut in Selene, and killed her with another throwing star.

Meanwhile, Dafydd got the ring, and tey dropped the Sue's body under the NAzgul's horses 2 b trampled in2 oblivion and Daron was dropped in a 4est somewhere. Then they went back 2 HQ.

"And now," said Selene 2 Aurora, "We can deal with u. Let's go."

"Wait," said Dafydd. "I think I like her. We should let her stay."

"WHAT?!" shouted Selene, and lignting came from here yes!

"Y r u so mean?!" yelled Aurora. "I didn't do nething 2 u!"

"U do not blong here!" yelled Selene. "Dafydd is MY partner, not urs, and u shoud leave and go back where u came from!"

"Don't u think I would if I could?!" cried Aurora, and tears went down her cheecks. "I don't know how! NEway, I think Dafydd is right, I must b here 4 a reason, and I want 2 stay and help!"

Dafydd stared at Slene seriously, and finally she stopped the ligtning. "Ok fine. U win this time. But if u cause ne trouble, I wil kill u yself! U got that?"

'Ok," said Aurora. "I hope u will c that I just wat 2 help. So! Where do I sleep?"

(AN: OMY that is the longes chappie I hve ever written!!! Aurora got 2 go on a mission w/Dafydd and Selene! Wow, lol! I had so much fun writing this! I hope u liked reading it. Plz R+R!

XOXOX)


(( The butchering begins... ))

brandy yu ar writing a nuw sotry arleady! Taht is so AWSOM. Adn its abut DAFID. Yu and me are writin abut Dafydd at TEH SAYM TIME - and we r both writi abou TIM TRAVEL! We musd by CYCLICALLY LINKED!

((And thus we see that JayBird has noooo consistency at all as to what she'll call plagiarism))

HE IS SOOO MUCH COoKER THEN U COLD EVER B! Y r there so many flammers on this site??? D:

A/n You guys are so mean. Here's the next chapter, it'll blow you out of the water!!!!!!!!!!! Air Wind was Lyon on her bed when She herd the fine wring. "hello?" she said. "Hi" said Fire Love. "Whats up Air-chan?" ( Air is Japanese so she talks like that.) " Not much really." " Do you want to go to Karakura Town? We could look at all the hotties." "Hell yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Alwright let's meet at my place tomorrow" "What will you be wearing?" "I'll be wearing my short black miniskirt with my hot pink halter top, gold hop earrings black lipstick dark eye shadow and black pumas." " Okay I'll wear my pink kimono with block bots with red lipstick purple eyeshadow and pink rouge." I hope those awful goths don't show up" " Yeak Ixi and Destoyer are such uncool posers" A/N see? Day Erza sew much bitter. (( I encourage you all to make like the Human Torch and FLAME ON))

Here's my prescription for improved writing:

1. Write. Write some more. After that, keep writing.
2. Read quality published literature of the sort you want to write. Read some more. After that, keep reading.
3. Compare what you read to your own writing. Notice the differences. Figure out what you can do with your writing to make it more like quality literature.
4. Rinse and repeat.

... Okay, I'm not actually saying this just to be nice. I admit, it amuses me to see puffed-up twits like TheGreatDestroyer squirm. >: )

--Lemony

>rev hair
>legolas boyfiend
>perfect boobs
>bye eyes
>pink lisps
>degenerate clothing

>all of this wish fulfillment


Christ, its like a barbie for adults.


I have a tip for improving your writing. Firstly, locate your computer's power source (battery if its laptop, power cord if desktop). Secondly, pull it out and beat yourself over the head with it. Repeat until to concussed to write any more.

THIS WAZ A STUPPID STORI N U R STUPPID SO U SHOLD STOP RITING NOW

((You requested flames and flames were given, though they're kind of weak. Maybe you can use them for s'mores? *shrug*))

shes such a good character! (sorry I no spel god thos wrsd back der mst be aful r smthing)
omg omg i call mason!!!!!!!1!!! hes' sooo hottttt!

Where are the other three (to fit in with the Classical Elements pattern)?

And, are you continuing this story on Fanfic World?

Fire Love sounds so pretty lol! Wire more!

XOXOX

I reall like ur story! Darkoats is really cool, i bet hez hawt lol. But what is he, tho? He does curses, os is he like form Harry Potter or sumthing? Also who r his minions, and I think ur supporsed 2 put blank lines btween parts like when sum1 talks? Not a flame, plz dont b mad! Write more, I realli like this!

XOXOX

That@s what fell means, rite? Lol it does'nt matter anyway becaus I really liked this!

A wall-o-garbage, that's what.

Can you write anything else than gratuitous viloence or are you not old enough to understand what dialogue is?

0/10. Somebody kill me.

I lie this! I have never cn a half Time Lord half anfle Agent b4, nd Ranarina is cool! I liked the part wher she shot her bow in the air, that as super cool lol. What will her mission b?! Plz write more!

XOXOX

Ranrina is so cool! Are her wings feathery or like a bat would have leathery dragony wings which I think are way cooler. Update soon! :)

And it smells like s**t.

At least you know how to paragraph. That's about the only redeeming thing this pointless waste of time has.

-1/10. You've reached a new low in my eyes.

this is lik my favortist thing EVAR!!1! is ranrina part weping angle? that would be AMEZiNG!

I’m always happy when I find something here not written in this strange language I cannot read. U no wut I meen, d’u?

But don’t you think that you overdid the urple prose a bit?

Hrnms.

And yes I damn well will call you Shirley if I want to.

Ahem. You seem like an intelligent person. And when I say "seem like," I mean that in the sense that a wax apple seems like the real thing until you actually look at it full-on, or touch it, or (heaven forbid) try to bite into it. But, let's give you the benefit of the doubt. You do understand that Cicily being a PPC agent is hypocritical, right? She's 100% Mary Sue herself. So come on, seriously. You're trolling us, right?

You could at least leave Terpsichore out of it. What did the poor Muse ever do to you?

--Lemony

Some of your words I didn't really get (I think you made up "terpsicohorean") but the parts of it I understood were good! Too bad about Joe, though. It's always a shame when partners come to blows like that. Or come to stabbings, I suppose.

Write more plz!

Pinky

I'm always worried I use too much description in my writing, but seeing something like this, I guess I'm not as bad as I thought!

My favorite thing here is that while the author/agent Cicero is clearly over-the-top in their obsession with beauty, the counterpoint in Agent Joe is also clearly wrong.

Look, man. I can hear through my monitor the sounds of your're beaten-up thesaurus sobbing for mercy. Normally, children learn that big words don't equal intelligence by the end of fourth grade, but you don t seem to be at that mental stage yet so I'll spell it out for you in big letters:

YOU WROTE FANCY H0RS3S#!T AND DISGUISED IT AS ART

This entire pice can be summed up as "they had a disagreement, so she shanked him".

Lord have mercy on you're soul.

0/10, try harder noob.

((There is a three part story by Ellintyra Lloysinthayr titled 'A Daisy's Heart', explicitly set in the Jaycaciaverse, and also featuring the Marquis de Sod falling in love - and then vowing never to love anyone again when she dies. Stars above, Jaycaciaverse!Marquis has the biggest character arc of any Flower I know! ~hS))

I yust went bak and red ALL OFF YOUR SOTRY and it took me OURS b'c it was SO CUUL! I lovd the prat where Aroroa comfitted the Markey and the part wehre she helpd in FicSyck and EXSPECIALLY the prat wehre she helpd the Kuzdu and th Markwey get 2gevah! Taht was SO KOOL.

I totly tihnk you shoul writ anotha sotry! On of my favrite storie is bassed on a dream som1 had about tihs guy named Limp or somfin (LOL I forged) so tahts a goo way to writer!

Aslo woul you midn if I brorrow Aurora for on off my sotries? I pormise I wont' hurt her!!!!

Maybe if you wanted to write good, youd unstick you're head from the garbage can it's been shoved it, wipe the $#!t from you're eyes, and actually use a bloody spellchecker once in a while.

And stop writing about romance, you stupid preteen. You obviously know nothing about it.

I still think u shold ttly rite a new story!! Id love a sequal!!!!

I love this story is so cool and Sparkly is awesome but some of the words were kinda confusing. NO FLAMES DON'T KILL ME just was that another language or something?

((Figured this chick was just literate enough to be a hypocrite.))

Im confused, tho, there r so many Sparklies lol! I dunno whic 1 is which! Xcept the 1 with the ipatch lol.

U gave me a gr8 idea 4 a sory with time travel, 2, so thanx!

XOXOX

I CNAT BELEVE U WOLD TINK DAT WAS A GUD STORY EVERY PONY WAS SOOO OUT OF CARAKTER AND U SHOLD GO DIAF YOU STUPID BRONIE LEARN HOW TO RITE

(Sorry, I just felt it was time someone got flamed. :P )

I luked the part wehre tey used the pwower of FREINDSIP to goo backk in Tim becus thaht is sucks a coil pwower! Alos the prat wehre tye forth Sparky Desy cam adn tolled tehm it was ok!

I at least would appreciate finding a gem between all this unreadable nonsense.

((OOC: And not withstanding Huinesoron’s warning, it may even be possible to get some OOC serious concrit between flames and fangirlism. HG))

We've had a few goodfics snuck in there before. Remember, though, that your fellow fanwriters are the worst kind of caricature fangirl caricatures, and you'll probably get told everyone's out of character and flamed into the ground. ;)

hS

In order to make the site moderately updateable for me, I made the decision a couple of years back to render it in Javascript/XML. If you don't have JS enabled, you won't see the category page. You can still look through the stories by typing the addresses as http://fanfic_land.webs.com/FfW/Story39-1.htm, where 39 is the story number and 1 is the chapter (we're up to 41 stories on there as of last year), though I think it'll still cut out the headers.

If you do have JS enabled and still aren't seeing it - what browser are you using? It, er... oh. Well, it worked in IE last year. I'll see if I can figure out what's gone wrong. I know it works in Chrome...

hS

JayBird is my fiend and if u dont stop I will report u 2 the fanficWOrld admis!!! If u cant rite sumthing original, GTFO!!!

XOXOX

Lol I thout th nu agent (cant remembr his name lol) was ttly n00bish becuz serisly he cant do coooool force fields liek thorn whos a ttly a HOTTIE!!! ;D ;D ;D

Btway cold u plz check out my story about Ranrina da half tiem Lord half angle agent?? Its SUPER GOOD!! But i havnt posted it yet D: But when its up, REVIOW PLZ!

Taht pwower of Thron Bake is TOTERLY PLAYJERISTED from mi frist Jaycacia Thornbyrd sotry. Yu sohuld be BNANED, b/c yo hav mayed me CRYE now.

I reeeeeallllly like thissss!!! Torn Black Gawinsin is soooooooooooo badass!!!!! Write moaaaaar!

**Dazz**

(Im trying out a new SIGNATure!!! DO you like it???!!!)

I was going on the principle that, now Laburnum's been gone a few years, they probably weren't particularly on anyone's mind. But you are correct. Stormsong and Skyfire are not allowed to be used by anyone except Laburnum.

hS

This was too funny! I loved the twist you had there. Super meta FTW! I hope to see more with these two soon!

Pinky

OMG I GOTT SHOUTEDD OUTQ!!!! YAY!!!!!!I!1!! I reeeeeaaaly like the story too!!!!

Byebye!

-Dazz!

WhY did Andorava hitt her pratner on teh head wiht the sotry theyr bein sent intu? Iz taht a new wai for tem to get intu itt? T hat sounds quiet col! I mite youse that. Um anywaz it was patty short but cool.

((OOC Admin Note: Should be possible. I like that. :D)

He iz so hawt, lol! But...... i thought he wuz an elf? Why is he bue, and no mouth, wut?

Som1 told me how to do tha slanty letters: u do (i) worswoswods (/i) but with instead of ( ). Hpe that helps, lol!

I still idk who this Supernumberary guy iz, lool. Wher did u read a bout him?

Ur still the best Jaybird!
XOXOX

A/N: ONG NO REVUEWS?!?!?! Wh does noboy luv me antmor?!?!? iS it becasduh of that FILTHY PLAYJERIST Aurange Abalez? I bet it iss!

Well the jock is on you Aurange: I wil keepe writinge depsite youre atemmpts to slience me! Adn to everone else: plz R&T! teh playjerisist has no pwower over yu!

So Supernumberary rode Illian further through HQ until they came to the Cafeteria. "This isn't where we are going," told Supernumberary.

~It is now,~ said Illian. ~I have a thing I need to do.~

"Oh ok," said Supernumberary seriously. "Do you need to pray as well?"

~No,~ said Illian, and walked into the Auditorium. ~I have to get some food.~

"But how will you eat food?" asked Supernumberary. "You have no mouth."

~There is an Endermen who also has no mouth," said Illian. ~He shares his food with me. Look, there he is now.~

(A/N: Ok so I dont' kno anythig about Endermens so tihs miyt be wron ok??? soz)

The Endermen dropped down from the ceiling and held out a plate to Illian (the plate hadn't spilled because he was so good with his reflexes). {Here you go,} said the Endermen. (A/N: He has no muth so he tlaks finny to oky?!?)

~Thank you very much,~ said Illian seriously, taking the place. On it were seven crystals of different colours arranged into a rainbow.

"How will you eat them?" asked Supernumberary, who was still on Illian's back.

~Watch,~ said Supernumberary. He bent his head and stared at the crystals, and from them leapt beams of coloured light like tiny lasers which shone up into his eyes and filled them with glowing light, and when the beams faded the crystals were gone and Illian's eyes were glowing like the Northern and Southern and Eastern and Western Lights all in one.

~That is how I eat them,~ he told Supernumberary.

"Oh, I see," said Supernumberary seriously. "I suppose it saves on brushing your teeth. So are we going now?"

~No," said Illian. ~That is not why I brought you here. I brought you here to listen.~

"Oh," said Supernumberary. "And what am I listening to?"

Illian ran to the middle of the cafeteria and looked around at all the agents who were now staring up at him. @I have an ANNOUNCEMENT to make,~ he said. ~For years you have known me as Illian, the (A/N: cent' remimber his specys!) who is Supernumberary's partner. Many of you are my friends, and some of you,~ he looked significantly at Agents Lux, Suicide, and Falchion, ~are more than that. But there is something none of you know about me.~

"What is that?" asked the agents simultaneously.

~This is not the first time I have been in the PPC,~ said Illian seriously. ~Before I was Illian I was... Dafydd Illian!~

There's a fine way to start my morning! Sheesh. That is gloriously pointless. Also, I am fascinated by JayBird's apparent talent for picking up on fringe details while completely missing the important ones. I'm curious: did she read on the wiki that "Supernumberary" was raised Catholic, or did she just happen to notice that he says "Jesus Christ" a lot without realizing that he's swearing? *g*

I'll have to come back and try to get in-character later. Need tea first.

~Neshomeh