Subject: As someone who doesn't know the canon...
Posted on: 2020-03-16 04:59:17 UTC

I'm finding the character interactions really compelling so far, there's a lot of quick-fire emotion that tells you a lot about how the characters generally behave- Reyza and Callum's first few lines tell me a lot about how they feel about their place in the world. However, after that I feel like you get a bit bogged down in exposition- the explanation of what the bird is telling the characters comes off as a bit mechanical, as does the information that the assassins have reached their target. I feel like you're moving quickly through the scene in order to get to an event you think will be compelling, but that detracts from the scene you're writing right now. Focusing more on the characters' reactions to what they're learning could help- not only what they're feeling, but what they want to do. Do they ponder spiriting the bird-king away, living in hiding to keep him safe, because they care about him? Do they immediately and impulsively start pelting the king with spells to try and restore his body? Do they despair of their mission, since the bird-king can no longer rule? Not knowing the characters, I don't have the answers to this, but you might, and that sort of thinking will give the scene more weight than just exposition. Adding the second bit of information could be really interesting because it throws the plans the characters might have been making into question. If the assassins have reached their target, do they believe what the bird is telling them? Do they pull a sword on the bird and demand that it stop lying, calmly note that the magic of the assassins has clearly been subverted through a loophole, eye the bird warily? I like all these ideas because they drive conflict, and conflict is interesting! The main thing I'd note is that I think this scene just needs more emotion put into it. Remember that there are no transitional or unimportant scenes- every scene is fun, and potentially full of conflict! I definitely think there's some potential here- the earlier parts of the scene are a good demonstration of character conflict that reveals the personalities of both characters and gives us information about what just happened without resorting to dry exposition. I look forward to reading more from you!

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