Subject: I'll be quick
Author:
Posted on: 2015-06-04 01:12:00 UTC

The mission reads quite a bit better than when I was betaing it. But it seems that a few errors slipped through the cracks. HG and EPL already caught the missing W in "wall," so here's the rest:

the Dedede dummy which had surreptitiously taken the canon’s place prepared to fight.
That should be "the Dedede dummy that had surreptitiously taken the canon's place"

“Wow, poor Luigi,” Honedge!Shulk said sympathetically. “Looks like that advice wasn’t enough to help him.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Oh, I don’t know. I simply made an… educated guess.”
Beat. “…It’s the ‘Green Mario’ thing, I’m guessing,” Whitney said finally.
The Shulk double nodded slowly. “Correct. Though he’s technically been a semi-clone since his debut.”

Apparently everyone else got what you're saying here, but could you please explain what you are referencing?

Once they had made sure that Not!Luigi was well and truly gone, they returned to their RC, Honedge!Shulk sat down at the foot of the single bed once again.
This is a comma splice. Either add an "and" before "Honedge!Shulk" or split the two sentences.

And I have to echo Tira here: You could have folded the "alternate" ending into the mission proper. Whay did you decide to split them?

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