Subject: Uh, what?
Author:
Posted on: 2015-06-03 18:13:00 UTC

I liked most of this, but there are two things that rubbed me the wrong way.

[...] the anthropomorphic Honedge was so engrossed in this and many other questions that he didn’t realize that he’d passed by the RC he was looking for until he’d kept walking for several minutes.
This is not how PPC HQ usually works. If you don’t pay attention, you should soon arrive where you should be, although that’s not always where you intended to go. Realizing that you’ve walked too far and trying to return should actually make it more difficult to get there, until you are distracted again. Since Flashback absentmindedly walked past the door rather than crashing into it, he apparently was not supposed to be there yet, possibly because the narrative laws of comedy required that he arrived only after Whitney got the mission, they would have no time to talk, and would go into the fic mostly unprepared. I was disappointed when this didn’t happen.

It had taken quite a bit of convincing to get Dedede to head through the portal to where Ike was, but the hammer-wielding bird had finally relented once Whitney told him that the match had been cancelled. He wouldn’t be fighting Luigi today – but there was a free-for-all open on the Gaur Plain stage, with Ike already getting ready to go.
Why didn’t we see this? It’s true that interacting too much with canons is frowned upon, but doing it off-page doesn’t help your cause, especially when you rant about "Show, Don’t Tell" in your author’s notes.

Typos:
She looked at him with frightened apprehension, but he turned to he and added [...]
The second "he" should be "her".

The humanized Sword Pokémon slammed into the opposite all, and before he could raise his Monado to defend himself, Not!Luigi had begun pummeling him, kicking and pounding.
Oh, eatpraylove already noticed the missing "w", and I don’t agree with her second point. Not!Luigi had already begun pummeling Backslash (past perfect) before Backslash could raise his weapon (past tense) looks perfectly right to me.

HG

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