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"I am nowhere near drunk enough to tell that story. You'll just have to live with the suspense."

"Again?" she echoed. "Now I'm curious about the first time."

Wolf shook his head. "I'm not gonna go there. Not again."

"So it did work! Yay."

She looked over the Wolf's shoulder at Spanky and glowered. "Remind me why he pulled out a piano? And turned my balcony into a mirror?"

"Were they supposed to be burnt into our eyelids?" He glanced at the clown again. "As long as someone's having fun..."

"Resurrection would have taken longer if not for that--" she said something in a grating language that was obviously highly uncomplimentary. "--deciding to crash another party of mine. I knew he was coming, but I forgot how irritating he can be."

She blinked. "By the way, have my secret codes been getting through alright?"

"Well, if you're gonna have a pinata, might as well have candy." He was curious, though, about how she managed to do a body swap like that. "I have to admit, I was not expecting to see you again this soon. Still, better than the crazy clown. I was assuming you wanted us to solve the mystery of your death, but since you're still alive...You have some other kind of fun planned for us? An invasion of imps prototyped with cheese, perhaps?"

"Does this help?" she teased.

Getting a little more serious, the Hostess said, "The body is in fact mine. That particular one is a little on the older side - hence the decay."

"I'm still trying to figure that out, actually. Clone? Illusion? Long lost evil twin who fell victim to a tragic curse that gave her a strange attraction to spears? Nah, that's too logical." He crossed his arms, glancing back at the clown for emphasis. "Still sad we didn't get candy."

I'd appreciate it.

"Oh, you do know how to make a girl blush. But if you look over there--" she gestured to where her decaying corpse still lay. "--you'll see that I'm not a corpse at all."

He spun around quickly, flames dancing around the edge of his cane, ready to lash out...

Then he saw who it was. "Oh, it's you. Gotta say, you look rather good for a corpse."

The Hostess had forgotten how much she hated that clown. He had just opened her Doom trap - without even looking at the riddle, mind - and then displaced it. Right where she was. Good thing she had poison immunity of her own.

Focusing, the Hostess painstakingly finished reforming her body an stepped through the Void door on the left staircase.

((Boom! I'm back, darlings!))

"Do you float? Please tell me you don't float . . ."

I've been meaning to write and submit this for a while. As you can see, I got around to doing that. Hopefully it goes well (on the other hand, I... am not entirely certain why I'd hope it goes poorly). Anyhow, without further ado, here goes!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wFyP_7I3VrrMnmNpBvtNU79LPmKq7nElUjbvYl6FfR8

It's a version of Plort for Age of Empires II HD! Yaaay! =]

===

THE PLORTISH
Cavalry and Archer Civilization

Unique Bonuses:-
All research is 10% faster, scaling by +10% per Age.
Buildings required to advance to the next Age are 50% cheaper.
Villagers may garrison any building that can research military or defensive technologies; doing so increases that building's output speed by +5% per Villager (max. +30%).

Unique Technologies:-
Anti-Marizu Raids:-
Archer units of all kinds gain +1/+1 armour and +33% movement and attack speed.
Researched at: Archery Range
Cost: 450 Food, 200 Gold
Base Research Time: 45s
Available at: Castle Age.

Dual Heraldries:-
Cavalry units gain +15% hit points and do +5 bonus damage against Infantry.
Researched at: Castle
Cost: 800 Food, 600 Gold
Base Research Time: 60s
Available at: Imperial Age

Team Bonus: Technologies that affect military units increase the production speed of those units by +5%.

Unique Unit:-

Marizu Hunter
"A powerful ranged unit that excels at taking out infantry and harassing enemies."
Unit Type: Cavalry, Archer
Trained At: Castle
Available At: Castle Age
Cost: 85 Food, 70 Gold
Base Training Time: 65s
Base HP: 80
Base Damage: 7 Melee
Attack Bonuses: +5 vs. Infantry, +4 vs. Archer
Rate of Fire: 1.9
Frame Delay: 10
Base Range: 5
Accuracy: 60%
Projectile Speed: 8
Base Armour: 1/1
Armour Classes: Archer (2), Cavalry Archer (2), Cavalry (4), Unique Unit (0)
Base Speed: 1.3
Base Line of Sight: 6

Upgrades to: Baronial Hunter
Base Upgrade Cost: 1200 Food, 800 Gold
Unit Type: Cavalry, Archer
Trained At: Castle
Available At: Imperial Age
Cost: 85 Food, 70 Gold
Base Training Time: 55s
Base HP: 90
Base Damage: 9 Melee
Attack Bonuses: +8 vs. Infantry, +7 vs. Archer
Rate of Fire: 1.9
Frame Delay: 10
Base Range: 5
Accuracy: 70%
Projectile Speed: 8
Base Armour: 1/1
Armour Classes: Archer (3), Cavalry Archer (3), Cavalry (6), Unique Unit (5)
Base Speed: 1.5
Base Line of Sight: 8

===

Plort's strength lies is in its powerful cavalry archers and very fast technological advancement rate; its ability to churn out powerful units quickly is extremely enviable, though doing so can hurt your economy as it requires the reassignment of Villagers. It has an excellent unique unit in the Marizu Hunter and the upgraded Baronial Hunter, which, though expensive, do considerable damage and do so very quickly. The fact that they do Melee damage rather than Pierce makes them an extremely dangerous proposition, and the fact that they have access to a full Cavalry Archer upgrade tree makes them even more potent. Add to that the Baronial Hunter's bonus armour and enemies will learn to fear your rushes. However, their focus on cavalry archers makes them less flexible elsewhere, and their economic bonuses can't quite outweigh their relative predictability. However, remember that Dual Heraldries affects all Cavalry units and they have a full Cavalry upgrade tree, so Plortish Paladins are exceptionally tough. Similarly, they can pump out fairly potent foot archers as well thanks to their Villager garrison bonus, though the lack of Squires hurts them considerably. On the water... let's not talk about what happens on the water. They're just outclassed by any naval-centric civ, and the lack of both Shipwright and Dry Dock makes them distinctly underpowered on the high seas. Their siege isn't terrible, but their monks are pretty ropey, and they lose the last two techs for Stone and Gold mining, which is particularly lacklustre when their unique unit is so gold-heavy.

In team games, Plort benefits strongly from allies that affect their unique units. The Berbers are an excellent partner, with the Kasbah allowing you to pump out Marizu and Baronial Hunters at a greatly accelerated rate, especially combined with the bonus to Conscription, and the Genitour line gives Plort an incredible trash unit that really plays to their strengths. The Malians have a crazy synergy with Plort's tech boosts, with Plortish Universities pumping out research at a frankly unbelievable rate, while the Mongols give extra LOS to Light Cavalry and Hussars, allowing for Plort's lategame Hussars to really work through the map.

From the other direction, anyone who favours spam tactics (looking at you, Goths) just loves having Plort on their side. The Byzantines love them, as their super-cheap Halberdier spam compliments Plort's cavalry-heavy focus very well. The Franks and Huns are also big fans, as they can get their cavalry out much faster. Finally, Portugal and the Turks appreciate getting their units out faster, as their reduced Gold cost is pretty valuable for that sort of thing.

===

So, that's what I have so far. I've tried to make it as comprehensive as I can. What are people's thoughts? =]

Where do I send in my audition (i.e., which email)? Do you need another (second) soprano? Do you want audio or video files? I don't know if I can record just audio on my laptop, which is why I'm asking.

'Bad clown?!' he hopped and glanced around and shuffled around the Crimson Woman and flattened himself against her, hiding. 'Leeb, defend me,' he hissed, gazing wildly around, still not catching sight of the bad clown.

"Perhaps we should get moving while we still can. There has to be another doorway somewhere. Or we could brave the Clown's lair while he's distracted. I can always incinerate him if he tries anything." Wolf spoke a little too calmly about that. Then again, he didn't like clowns at all.

Most of the thread has become art, haha!

1. Name: Role Reverse

2: Name: Carbide
Catchphrase: "Nothing is tougher, yet nothing more advanced."

3. Name: Universitonne
Catchphrase: "By the Ashen Moles of Bodley!"
Blurb: In her own time, Annelise Grimmer fought tooth and nail for women to be allowed in colleges. By night she would work on secret breakthrough discoveries, which is how she accidentally slowed the effects of time on her down. Which is how she is still alive during the 21st century. As Universitonne, Grimmer is less of a superhero and more of just a mentor for heroes such as The Reference, since she was already getting on in years when the accident happened. She provides them with the information and encouragement they need to be successful on their missions.

-Twistey

We seriously need to start writing comics in a superhero 'verse. All these ideas are too good to go to waste.

-Twistey

A lot better than me! (Of course, I kind of stopped trying in favor of developing my own style. But never mind that.)

-Twistey

Holy crud, that was cool! The Reference in particular was almost exactly as I imagined her (hooray, I'm getting better at imagining characters as being non-white), and all of the character designs were quite well-done. Thanks for the link, hS!

-Twistey

Oh! Hello DawnFire-that-Was!

I am so sorry for the delay, truly; I never meant to hold the community in suspense for this long! And yeah, I had to go by thread dates, so it was all in chronologically-experienced order for Alec, but not for HQ, haha. The reports were all arranged by how he experienced them.

And don't worry; Kitty will be back soon, though a little less loopy than before. All of this kind of changes a person, you know? (She'll still be such a foil to Alec, so their dynamic won't change one whit.)