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:D Oh my gosh, a kindred spirit! It's been so long since I listened to those! And Dorothy Sayers!? Awesome! I've actually only read the first book in the Wimsey series; I keep meaning to read the rest.

Anyway, it's great to have you here! My gift to you is this urple ocarina, with wilver earmuffs to block out the noise.

-Alleb

... although the link title may not suffice as a trigger warning. Granny, of course, reminds me of the Cleaner in Pulp Fiction.

I can’t be sure whether you reproduce a flaw of the original story or actually lost connotations of a polish word I don’t know, but I think the guy in "But, you’re the boss… right, boss?" A man next to him asked, fidgeting hesitantly should better be introduced as "a young man"; and "a" should not be capitalized, because it continues the sentence.

... and especially how could he tremble thinking what his beautiful and petite wife was going to do ...
"How could he" is the word order for a question; since this is not a question, it should be "how he could".

Again, I’m not sure whether the ongoing tense issues in this paragraph are the original story’s fault (or Polish grammar may just be different):
Boris didn’t plan it, damnit.
Should be "hadn’t planned" (past perfect).
Since too much past perfect is hard to read, telling the backstory in past tense although it had happened before the actual story may be acceptable, but at least
She’d leave him, just like she announced... should be in past perfect again – "had announced".

I know somebody that can help, but I have a to warn you, wolfie, she doesn’t like being argued with.
If this isn’t meant to be Dora’s specific slang, "that" should be "who" (talking about a person, not an object); and remove "a".

She looked about sixty, maybe seventy years old, and was giving off the impression of a woman that he would have left his pups with without hesitation; one that he would offer to carry heavy grocery bags for…
Should be "who" again (two occurences).

Boris and Andrew grabbed it, placed on the sheet of cellophane, and Granny started her work without any excessive explanations.
Missing word "it".

Next time, if you’re gonna do this yourselves, try to separate the joins, and avoid breaking bones.
Should probably be "joints" (plural of "joint") although the plural of "join" may fit the context too. (Tomash may have said that already.)

Fifteen minutes later, Granny took care of the second body as meticulously as the first, chopping it into handy pieces, putting in a bag, and finally wrapping both bags with strong tape.
Missing word, either "it" (referring to the body) or "them" (referring to the pieces).

None of you remember that fact before the deed.
I don’t know what to make of this; it depends on what is actually meant in the original text.

• If it’s meant to be a shortcut question – "(Did) none of you remember that fact before the deed?" – Granny leaving out the "Did", the period should be a question mark.
  
• If it’s meant to be a statement, it should either be "remembered" (past tense, referring to the actual deed) or "remembers" (third person singular, because "none" refers to a single one out of an unspecified number, and present tense referring to them always slaughtering people without thinking it through.
  
• In the latter case, inserting "ever" ("None of you ever remembers ... ") might clarify that Granny doesn’t refer solely to the current situation, and probably refers to all men, not just Andrew and Boris.

Granny winked at him, unwrapping the bandana that keeping her elegant perm intact.
Again I don’t know what to do with this. Possible are:

• "kept" – simple past tense, just narrating.
  
• "was keeping" – past tense continuous, because the bandana continued to keep the perm intact at least until Granny finished to unwrap it.
  
• "had kept" – past perfect, because the bandana was removed and thus didn’t keep the perm intact anymore.
  
• "had been keeping" – past perfect continuous, discontinuing the "keeping intact".

My grandchildren will wake up in roughly to hours.
Should be "two".

She smiled devilishly, packing all of her bottles and brushes to the suitcase.
I’m not absolutely sure, but I think this should be "into".

One more day and I’d probably kill them, but then I’d have problem with the bodies.
This should either be "a problem" (singular) or "problems" (plural).

HG

Now, I'm late, so all the questions were asked, so the only thing left is giving you some black-hole chocolates. May your stay in this madhouse be long and more than enjoyable.

Now, we don't get a goddess applying all the days. Did it really take that much time after smiting this glitterbag mocking you for joining this organization? (People don't understanding this joke just earned a mandatory lecture session of this spin-off.)

Anyways, please have a pot of black-hole coffee, and my welcome in this madhouse.

Come on in, grab a seat by the fire (careful, it's started burning cold instead of hot recently, no idea what's causing it.) and leave your sanity by the door.

For your newbie gifts I present my customary Replica Holocron and a dimensional compass. Don't ask me how it works, I'm just the salesman.

As I see you enjoy Doctor Who, might I ask who your favorite Doctor is? I'm guessing... Four. Am I correct?

Hope you enjoy your stay in this wonderful madhouse.

For your newbie gifts I present a Replica Holocron and a +1 longsword. I don't know how often you visit places where that sort of thing makes much of a difference, but it never hurts to be prepared, right? Plus, it's a sword. Can't go wrong with a sword.

The ones I can think of being:

1) A Jedi Temple.
While the rules on Force ghosts aren't quite clear (in either canon, so far as I know) it might be possible for your character to stumble across some lesser known Jedi outpost and be confronted by a guardian or spirit there, and be promoted by them.

2) Someone who knew Jedi tradition well enough to decide if your character would be worthy.
Perhaps a historian of some description, a member of another Force using group (depending on whether this is Disney or Legends), a notable associate of a Jedi Master, or someone who worked in the Temple itself. I know you said it would be selfish of him to Knight himself, but perhaps it would be different if he didn't make that judgment himself? I dunno.

3) A Jedi Holocron.
While the Holocron gatekeeper (provided those are still a thing in Disney canon) wouldn't have the authority to actually Knight anyone, it would certainly know better than most when a person is worthy of the title, and after a while of being considered a Knight in all but name, why not just accept it? Goes back to the Knighting himself thing, but I'd say it would be entirely reasonable to consider yourself a Knight if the closest thing to a Jedi Master you're likely to find says you've earned it. Suppose it depends on the character, though. And there's the rather significant problem of how to find a Holocron.

4) A former Jedi.
While Jedi Masters leaving the Order wasn't a common thing, there are enough instances in Legends to justify making one of your own, and if it's Legends, then there's a whole new canon to work with. Of course, that also means there's a whole new canon to trip over, but I'm sure you could make it work. As long as you could find a plausible reason for the Master to leave the Order (the horrors of the Clone Wars, for instance) then I see no reason why they couldn't survive Order 66 long enough to meet and promote your character. Hard to track a Jedi who's not a Jedi anymore, after all.

Hope that's a least a little bit helpful, and if you need any more help feel free to drop me a line. I may not be quite the expert I used to be, but Star Wars remains my all time favorite fandom.

Iximaz,

Thank you for the SPaGhetti. It will come in handy.

I have read the Constitution and the Wiki, but thank you for pointing them out to me.

Aegis,

My preferred personal pronoun is 'she.'

My fandoms are many and varied; I will read/watch/listen to anything as long as there is a good story. Currently I am revisiting my childhood with Adventures in Odyssey, LOTR, The Bourne Identity(Book) and Stargate: SG1. I had an interesting childhood. I also have a particular fondness for 20th century British writers including C.S. Lewis and Dorothy Sayers.

Thank you for your gift of questions, someday soon I will return it with a gift of my own questions.

so ill make this fast im really sorry but you know thats the way it goes

so uh your gift is uh, goddamn, im in a hurry, uh socks!
thats your gift, socks!
sorry im in a rush, welcome!

Vania walked into her RC, arms full of tiny milk cartons and face full of a big grin. "Doc, I just scored, Doc—Doc. Doc, what the hell are you doing?"

Reclining on the floor in front of the portal generator, Doc arched an eyebrow. "Just providing myself with a little atmosphere while I read. Looks like the next chapter takes place in the White Lands of Empathica." He hit a button on the remote activator, and the portal behind him switched from a side view of some run-down train depot to a deadly quiet snowscape. Doc shielded his novel from the few snowflakes that the nearly still air tumbled into the RC and tried to go back to reading.

Vania had now crushed a good number of her milk cartons, and some were leaking onto the floor. "No. No. No. Close that this instant. What are you thinking? Even if that wasn't a Stephen King novel full of monsters, there could be canons seeing your portal, there could be anachronisms falling in from our end. Close it. NOW."

Doc didn't look away from the pages. "This is how I read now. It's one of the perks of the job."

Vania stared for a moment. Then she made a noise that would roughly be spelled, "Hrouargh!" She carried her big score to the mini-fridge and kicked the door open. She loaded the surviving cartons inside, moving quickly and being rather less than careful.

Then, she found a trash bag and loaded the ruined cartons inside. She was in the middle of wiping up all the spilled milk off the generic surface when she suddenly felt wrong.

So wrong.

She immediately turned to look at Doc and the portal. At some point, her partner had changed the coordinates to show a ruined, plantless landscape, where the very shape of the rock formations gave off a sense of bending, of space itself deteriorating. A noxious smell was seeping into the RC, and somewhere in the distant depths of the portal, a laugh echoed that sounded unsettlingly animal.

But none of those details were what set the hairs on the back of Vania's neck on end. It was the fact that Doc was standing still, staring at her before she had turned, and he had dropped the book without putting the bookmark in first.

In a quiet, toneless voice, Doc said, "Hail, Discordia. All hail the Crimson King."

Vania stared blankly. She slowly approached Doc, who started forward confidently, his hands making grasping motions as the thing inside him tested out the muscles. just before they reached each other, Vania said, "First mistake."

As Doc started to reach for her throat, she dropped low and hooked her foot behind Doc's left knee and pulled, taking him off-balance. Then she grabbed his right arm, twisted around and flung him over her shoulder. Doc landed on the beanbag chair, and the long-suffering piece of quasi-furniture finally saw its end as its innards exploded all around the floor.

"Possessing an agent who's a crappy fighter and never exercizes. Second mistake." She walked over to the console, listening to Doc's body squirming on the floor. Whatever had taken up residence wasn't accustomed to having nerve endings. "Infiltrating an organization with an entire team of people dedicated to literally nothing but exorcisms. 'Open bracket-dee-bee-es-close bracket.' There, that ought to bring at least a few slashers. Now, we just have to wait."

She turned back to face Doc, still sprawled on the floor, gazing up at her with equal parts curiosity and loathing. Vania cracked a knuckle. "Whether we wait quietly . . . well, that's up to you, I suppose."

"Augh, Merlin, the Professor has to be around here somewhere." Doc pulled one of Lockhart's larger portraits away from the wall to glance behind it.

"Have you noticed," Vania asked, "that you have a tendency to imitate the local speech style whenever we go somewhere?"

"I don't know what you're bloody talking about."

"Right." Vania rolled her eyes and continued checking the drawers of Lockhart's desk. "Why does this guys need so many copies of his own books?"

Doc dramatically threw open the door panels of a large cupboard in the back of the room. "Hey, I think I found the plothole! I can hear something . . ." He peered closer into the darkness.

Then a tumbling cloud rose into the air around his head, buzzing furiously.

"Aaaaaaaaaaah! It was beeeeees!" Doc started a frantic run around the entire Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, flailing his arms in the air while the insect swarm pursued. "I thought it was a plothooooooole but it was only beeeeeeeees!" Doc ended by flinging himself out of the huge window that dominated one wall of the classroom. the bees returned to the cabinet while Doc's fading voice called, "Aaaaaaah! Castles are actually kind of sharp in placeeeeees. I feel like I should have known this alreadyyyyyyy . . ."

Vania gently closed the drawer she had just opened and started heading for the cupboard, a thoughtful look on her face. "You know, I can't for the life of me . . ." She frowned. "I just can't recall what my worst fear is."

She peered into the shadows of the cupboard.

". . . Huh. So that's what a boggart looks like."

Another Gater! Always nice to meet another fan, and while I'm more obsessed with Who these days, I'm always happy to meet someone who knows an earth glyph when they see it. Shame about the Potter-verse, but perhaps you'll regain sanity with time. Obviously, you can't be sane if you don't enjoy Iximaz glomps. Best of luck recovering.

As a belated gift, have a universal GDO! The SGC won't be able to keep you out. To Interesting Times!

If you can destroy anything in your sight, I give you the wonderful gift of a scrying pool. Have fun! *runs*

In that case, it's a good discussion, but probably shouldn't be added to the FAQ unless some actual examples turn up. The more the better.

~Neshomeh

No one who isn't completely perfect can ever succeed? Dang, guess we'd all better just shoot ourselves and get the farce over with.

... Or we could realize that no one is perfect, and yet great achievements are still possible. In fact, what makes an achievement great is the size of the odds that must be overcome by us imperfect beings in order to achieve it. Perfection beats all odds by definition, so it's not impressive at all. Perfection is boring, and insisting on its necessity is insulting to anyone who ever accomplished anything without it—so, basically, everyone.

~Neshomeh

So, I am in the process of planning a Star Wars story, and the idea I have is that a Jedi Padawan could have escaped Order 66 and now wanders the galaxy so as to remain on the move and not be as easily detected. One thing I thought that would be great for character development is that he could (without realizing it) pass the Trials, and I have planned realistic scenarios for each Trial. I thought at some point he could become a Knight, but here's my problem... I have no idea how he could be promoted. He'd have a travelling companion at some point, but he or she would not be Force-sensitive, and the OC's Master will have died long ago. As I haven't officially watched Rebels yet (but I know quite a bit about it), I don't want him mixing up with any canon characters from there. So technically, no other Jedi will have witnessed his Trials to say he is worthy of Knighthood. And I think we can pretty much all agree that it would be selfish of him to dub himself a Knight, or demand that another Jedi knight him. So with all of this, would he remain a Padawan forever? I'm not against that idea, by the way; but I know that option is a possibility in this scenario.

"If I give my Mary-Sues/Gary-Stus even one flaw, they will fail!"

I wish I could point out an example but I can't find it at this time. I assume that this is the reasoning behind many different Mary-Sues'/Gary-Stus' powers even if it is rarely said aloud.

I am at least going to attempt to be more productive. I've got a mission approaching completion (not "Subjugation," sorry), and a fluffy sort of plotbunny that entered my brain and won't leave me alone. If I can get both of those published this month, I will be very pleased with myself. {= )

Good luck to those of you doing it for real!

~Neshomeh

I cannot confirm nor deny my knowledge of any Egyptian deities who may or may not be known on the Board.
My fandoms are Stargate, Doctor Who, Lord of the Rings, and various sundry. The various sundry does not include Potter-verse, though I do occasionally look through the crossovers and fan art.
Preferred pronouns: Destroyer of all She Surveys. So DoaSS for short I guess.
My favorite agents are Supernumerary and Ilraen. Mittens and the Radioactive Moss Creature are second.
Thank you all for your kind gifts. I think I have to go clear a wall space now.
And Iximaz, no glomping. Please.

You wouldn't happen to know a certain Sakhmet Black, would you? ;) I kid, I kid. May I ask what fandoms you're in, for the sake of fandom-specific gifts from me and others?

For now, have a khopesh made from one of my own shed feathers, and the obligatory kit of Spikes to go with it!

Another Egyptian God huh? You wouldn't happen to know one GreyLadyBast would you?

Anywho, take this Ankh That Kills Everything. As the name implies, this symbol that represents life takes it instead. Without fail. Though... You do have to go through Anubis first. Minor details.

A goddess, huh? Well, there goes my position as highest-ranked Boarder. Phooey. Well, Your Divineness, I present unto thee a Royal Ice Cream Container. Close lid, state desired flavor, open lid, enjoy! Infinite refills are a definite plus, in my opinion.

So, which agents have you read? Favorites?