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...what even.

I don't —

— what.

Say, here's a question for you. What do you get when you cross Harry Potter, Metalocalypse, and the imagination of a sugar-high 13-year-old boy?

If that question stumped you, you have obviously never experienced the glory that is my new favorite badfic, HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2554200/1/HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

That's really what it's called. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. From what I can tell, of the "plot," it's about Harry Potter, a lone warrior armed with only a Groinsaw and his guitar ...slayer, scouring the universe to steal food for himself and Dumbledore.

Select passages:

"Dobby relished his groinsaw's roar as he withdrew the flesh-choked blade from the astronaut's ruined skull."

"Harry swung the guitar through Dobby's chicken neck. He took the head of his fallen dwarfslave and tore open his stomach, stuffing the head inside. Harry vomited steam and summoned a great meteor from space to smash into Hogwarts and kill everyone there, for no reason at all."

"Harry, you must rock the ... out."

"Harry channeled his rage through ...slayer. The angel blood boiled as he summoned the great meteor, swathed with the blood of the tiny ...lings at Hogwarts, leapt onto it, and flew into space. He encased the entire meteor in a wreath of holy ...fire and flew through Mercury, killing the ... out of it. Then he sent Mercury's carcass into Venus, killing the ... out of it and making every vagina in the galaxy explode, and inside every vagina a booby sang of mortal life's fleeting precipice."

"Harry slammed his book shut. It wasn't really a book, because the pages were made of lasers and the words were made of headless women making godless love to dragons made out of motorcycles, but it was still reading"

"I am Rape Radbury. I write critically acclaimed fiction that always turns into fact. That's why I have more money than anyone."

"Harry squinted so he could see the subatomic strings of the ropes. He began tossing antimatter at them with his mind as a group of children entered the rape ape's hiding place. They were well-groomed and impeccably attired, and there were 5.8 of them, just enough to represent an array of genders and races that would leave no one unhappy, save for the Eskimos."

"He thought about sandwiches."

As a PG that isn't around any more, real life has me working long hours and giving me no rest.

Good Luck to the new PGs!

Leto

First off, I think you're saying the same thing I did but from a different angle, or to a different degree; yes, there are only so many ways to mock badfic, but there are several detailed elements too specific to the PPC to all appear in someone else's imagination by coincidence. I think we're picking details here - neuralysers, for instance.

But moreso, I agree with Neshomeh that if it IS a deliberate ripoff, then we have every right to be upset. If not, then - as you say - we have no right at all. Since we don't know for certain one way or another, everyone's sort of in limbo about it, and that can make us touchy. That's only human. I point out that we are saying these things here, on our board, not to her face. To do so without absolute proof would inexcusable.

So I'll lighten up, promise, but please calm down, will you? Maybe I'm reading your tone wrong from between the lines (wouldn't be the first time), but it sounds like you're flying off the handle. Nothing's been decided.

I just sort of wish that everyone would join in here, because I'd like to think we're fun. But I can see why that wouldn't happen.

Though I have to ask, what about glittery pink? ;p

A friend of mine linked me to it a few days ago. I fell utterly and joyously in love somewhere around the second strip.

It's hilarious; as a Sue-basher and a Trekkie both, I have to recommend it very highly indeed.

Unfortunately the ads have made me tempted to buy the book, because yes, I have started stalking the page for updates.

Thanks for sharing :)

...quite funny, actually. Pity there are only seventeen of them so far.

Nuh-uh, not me.

Seriously, I'm just a lurker these days. I haven't got any missions written at all. I'm terrible at making decisions. I don't like disappointing people.

Please... not me?

Again, I'm only a few chapters in. It looks to be more based on intrigue than action so far, though--the two main protagonists are a journalist and a PI, so it makes sense. And I am intrigued.

~Neshomeh

Everyone knows how the very first Mary Sue (in Fanfiction) as from Star Trek? Well, I found a parody on Deviantart that might get people's attention. Behold:

ENSIGN SUE MUST DIE! (And yes, that is the title.)

http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=&section=&global=1&q=ensign+sue+must+die#/d2ut09s

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to investigate into this more...

An agent I'm still developing is a Twilightverse vampire whose main source of food is Sues. In Twilight canon, the color of a vampire's eyes varies depending on whether they've drank and what they've drank. Vampires who haven't drunk in a while have black eyes, vampires who recently drank human blood have red eyes, and those who recently drank animal blood have golden eyes. I decided that whenever this vampire agent drinks Sue blood, his eyes turn purple.

A few people have pointed this out to me, so I want to make this clear:

I wrote this with no intention or desire to alienize or devalue opinions, nor insult anyone. I mean what I wrote in as forthright a manner as possible, because I value people being forthright with their opinions to me. I was hoping and expecting that I'd get more replies from others than just Neshomeh and Araeph, but as Gen pointed out, I probably scared everyone away.

So again, I meant no one ill will.

I mean, I realize this isn't personal, or involving the entire Board. For my part, I'm identifying with the people who replied to the initial post with distaste, because I kind of agree with them. I just hadn't gotten to the point of crystallizing my own thoughts into a post yet.

What I'm mainly taking exception to is the aforementioned group being berated for things that haven't had any effect yet. If one of us had actually gone over there and accused them of stealing, to their face, with no evidence, yes, that would be wrong. Discussing it on our own forum before taking any action should be okay, though.

I also don't think it's fair to bring experience/action into the argument. The way to gain experience is to participate, and assuming that by action you mean "stuff done with the PPC," making posts qualifies. You can't accuse someone of not having posted enough for their posts to count, whether you like what they've said or not. It's just plain not fair. Just ask any of the habitual lurkers who pop up to say things sometimes. Again, everyone is entitled to their opinion.

And, incidentally, if you only had a problem with one or two people, you should have addressed them directly, not lambasted the whole thread. It might have prevented some confusion on my part, at least.

~Neshomeh

Had you replied beforehand to the entire post, you wouldn't've have been included in that 'perceived investment' comment, and I probably would've not said it at all.

The harshest and most defending of the PPC comments came from people who have little action behind their words, as it was. Most of the constructive stuff came from people who have actually written spin offs, helped newbies, answered questions, all that and a carful of jam.

All talk and no action isn't impressive, and if they want to prove how much a part of the PPC community they are, they can do it in other ways than being catty at some random not-us group.

No one is ripping into them. People have said "I see this thing I don't like." That's not the same as "Oh my god, this is terrible, they should be stricken from the Intarwebz," which I would consider ripping into them--especially if done to their face, which is not happening. People are entitled to their opinions, even negative ones.

No one has systematically gone through and criticized every SPaG error, either. They have said, again, "I see these problems and I don't like them." Sedri specifically said a good beta would have helped. Having heard Barid's account of the quality of the first chapter, I'm inclined to agree that they ought to have gone over it more carefully before posting. And, let's face it, we DO judge people based on SPaG. I don't see why it should be okay to charge a badfic for it and yet not okay to comment on the lack of it, in however much detail, in something that aspires to be better than badfic. I don't think that makes us pretentious, just consistent. And I'm pretty sure everyone would agree to pointing out the problems to the author now that we've discussed it.

Also, why do you describe the investment in the PPC and our standards as "perceived"? I don't understand that. To me, these things exist. We act on them every time we make a post or get Permission or ask for a beta.

Now, the concern I actually have is whether or not everyone has read the stories before commenting. If they have formed their opinions without all the facts, that's problematic. However, I can't know whether or not that's the case, because I can't read their minds. Therefore, for the sake of argument, I'm assuming here that they did look at the stories and formed their opinions in good faith. (If that's not the case, that's a whole different can of worms.)

~Neshomeh

From July's earlier post:

And for you who are crying about her spelling and grammar? Go reread TOS. Then try and tell me that Jay and Acacia were perfect writers. With a straight face.

Well, I can’t do that, but a comparison of the two stories will make the other posters’ meaning abundantly clear.

The first 407 words from TOS.

"It's happened again." Jay leaned back from her console, indicating a flashing red light. "Someone's mucking with the plot continuum."

Acacia sighed. "Exactly what is so wrong with the canon that everyone wants to break it?" she demanded rhetorically. "Which world?"

"Lord of the Rings." Jay winced. "The massacre of Tolkien continues. We have...a Mary Sue."

Acacia sighed. "Usually the case. What species is she this time, and what's she done to break it?"

"Human. Magically transported from earth, [Earth] along with her band. Of COURSE she's joining the Fellowship...and you'll love this. She's stringing Boromir along while enjoying herself with Legolas." Jay looked sideways at her partner, hoping that this news wouldn't be too disturbing.

Acacia glared. "Let me see this," she insisted, pushing Jay out of her seat without waiting for an answer. She started pressing buttons seemingly at random, glared at the screen as if hoping to burn the words off it by sheer force of stare, then stood up. "Well, let's go [insert comma] then!"

Jay tapped something on the console, causing an odd hum. A rather unimpressive flicker appeared in the air, taking on the appearance of an oblong doorway. "Come on, Acy," she said, using her friend's dreaded nickname. "Let's hunt some Sue."

Acacia muttered something that sounded like "Don't CALL me that," but stepped through the doorway very quickly. Jay followed suit.

As Jay stepped through the portal, she felt her chosen guise fall into place around her...she made a rather impressive Uruk-hai, if she did say so herself. She took the formidable black bow from her shoulder, testing the string, and counted the arrows in her quiver. Then she took her Character Analysis Device and set it. "I'm all ready, Acacia--you?"

Acacia looked around. It was always a bit disorienting, being in a world made of someone else's words, particularly when the canon was so stretched by the presence of [insert comma] not only a Mary Sue [insert comma] but--as a glance at her own Canon Analysis Device showed--canonical characters acting out of character. She took an arrow from her own quiver and first smelled, then gingerly tasted the point. The smell and bitter taste confirmed that it was in fact poisoned, and she put it back in the quiver, satisfied. "All ready."

The pair had arrived just outside of Rivendell--its gentle glow lit the early morning. Acacia led the way, Jay following, as they crossed into the beautiful city.

The first 402 words from SSU.

A/N: This is the third installment of my series "the [capitalization error] death [capitalization error] of Mary Sue." This installment was written together by myself and Apollo Night. [“Apollo Night and I wrote this installment together.”] This is our first joined project [joint project] and we hope you like it. I own Alex and Raven, [omit comma, insert semicolon] Apollo owns Alice and Dexter [insert period]

Alice was excited, [omit comma, insert period, adjust capitalization] in fact [insert comma] she was down right [downright] livid. After she was made to take 3 [numbers smaller than 10 should be written out] weeks off work due to a work [insert hyphen] related incident [insert comma] Mac was allowing her to get back into the field of Sue hunting. Though she was no longer partners with the human train that was Sandy, she was still psyched to be doing something besides sitting in the therapist offices [therapist’s office] having him ask [insert comma]"now [insert comma, adjust capitalization] how does that make you feel?" four thousand times.

She was waiting patiently in a room to meet her new partners. Dexter the tiger was currently sleeping soundly at her feet. [insert paragraph break] Alice worked for an organization called the Sue Slayers United. They trained people to hunt and kill Mary Sues from different fandom's. [omit apostrophe] The SSU was technically in its own "world" [insert comma] not in any specific canon, which meant there was no limit to what you would see around her. People who have [had] been working here [there] long enough no longer gave a second glance at the walking trees or screams that can [came] from the lower parts of the building any more. [anymore].

Just then [insert comma] Alice saw two women walk in, [omit period, insert comma, adjust capitalization] not missing a beat [insert comma] she jumped to her feet. Though it did little to improve her height, Alice stood at a whole 5'2" ( counting [delete space after parenthesis] the top of her spiky black hair) [insert period, adjust capitalization] she was so thin that she looked much like a nine year old [nine-year-old] boy. She looked very pixy [insert hyphen] like in general and didn't look like she would make much of a hunter to people who didn't know her that well. Though her skin was white, her eyes where [were] shaped like she had some Asian blood in her family somewhere.

____

Are lots of these errors minor? Yes. But there are still lots of errors, and more than a few major ones. In addition, and what I found more perturbing, is the fact that SSU made a major canon mistake further on. PotC takes place in the 1800s? Really?

Hell, go and tell me any of our stuff is perfect with wonderful spelling and grammar when it's put up without a beta going over it. You can manage that, right? Oh, wait, no.

Not having a beta is no excuse for this many errors. First, I've been without a beta since 2004. My writing does not look like this. Second, as mentioned before, there is more than one writer here, so they can check each other's work--and if both of them combined can't catch this many mistakes, yet they still mock other people's stories, well...

...I think that may be the point people are trying to make with the nitpicking. Maybe it came off the wrong way, but I don't think it's about putting people down. It's about making sure the Sue mockers are holding themselves to a higher standard than the badfic they mock. Otherwise, what's the point? And yes, I think it is an automatic point against them...as long as they are going after Suefic for being poorly written.

I have to agree, however, that the SSU did not steal anything from us. I also think the series has a lot of potential. I simply don't think that we're being more unfair than usual on the subject of language.

*deposits her two cents*