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... sentient horses, or Pigeonarmy.

That said ...

*STARTS PLOTTING*

and raise you a Zoo. I normally like certain, very select AUs, written by a very, very *short* list of writers. This person, and this story...
Is not anywhere within several trillion lightyears of making that list.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3278186/1/TheZoo
Oh merciful Hades below.... This is just.... I read it a few years ago, purged it from my mind(apparently not as well as I had hoped), and then Gandalf the Beige came up with his squickfic report. This one has, not one, but THREE stories. It's a godawful horrendous trilogy of mind-numbing canon rape. In my humble opinion of course. Have you ever wondered what would happen if someone took the "Human Zoo" idea literally? Oh ye gods of mercy, kill this story!
Charge one: destroying the Statute of Secrecy.
Excuse me while I go get a barrelful of Beige's bleepka, and drown myself in it.
-HonuWahine

It's been awhile since we've had one of these, so hey, why not, yeah?

For those of you who are new to the Board or joined since the last one (such a long time ago) the premise is simple:

Boarder + Boarder = Cracky
Slash, femmeslash, giant orgies, giant orgies involving Hats and otherwise and generally just breaking anything and all goes if it is funny.

I would link to Huinesoron's Very Odd Day series as an example, but it has either fled into the ether or my browsing skills are failing.

Two Rules:

1) If someone says they do not want to be written into one of these, do not use them. No ifs, ands, or butts> buts. So if you don't want to end up in this insanity, I suggest you say something quick. (That said, at least play fair and allow yourself to be used if you write anything.)

2) Reciprocal slash and what have you is fair play. A few years back this got to the point where one party was, ah, enjoying a hamster around their nether regions if I remember the right small furry animal.

Well, shall we get to it?

(I would post one right away involving multiple fake identities, fake trousers, and at least one incident of fake mustaches, but I have work to get ready for. I'll worry you all later.)

Rei is a clone of Shinji's mother..... He figures that out 3/4 of the way through the serise....................

Leto

While I didn't read that at all, the first "chapter" hurt too much, there is actually places called pachinko parlors. They are Japanese gambling dens that are increadibly loud with music. The games are mostly slots.

Don't know if this helps, but thought I should say something.

Leto

This should explain it. Somewhat.

I decided to check out how the reviews were (because they usually give me an idea of how bad it is). Yeah, I'm not going anywhere near that fic. I'll keep my dinner in my stomach, thanks.

I decided to play it safe after skimming just that one chapter and chose to look at the reviews, in particular the more negative ones.

*turns green*

You weren't kidding. That is sick. And really wrong. And sick. I don't think I'm going to actually read the thing, 'cause I'll end up making myself ill.

Burn the badfic, burn it! (It is too bad that this author can't harness the basic plot—minus the gross stuff—and turn it into an interesting original fic. I mean, imagine if this story was changed to be a good AU fic...)

I will gladly donate sporks and bleepka to the poor soul who takes this on.

From the second chapter on, keep all sporks or other pointy objects out of reach. You'll feel the urge to commit seppuku at least twice in the course of this story.

I only skimmed through parts of the first chapter (I'll work through the rest and give my thoughts), but I want to ask this question: Why didn't this person make it an original fiction?
Obviously he or she knows the canon well, but if an author is going to twist the canon so much until it is pretty much unrecognizable, why don't they make it original? It's not like you have to write fanfic to prove that you're a fan of this ship or that ship or a crossover involving a pirate ship.
Whatever. At least the grammar and spelling isn't horrible. I'll stomach this as long as I can pretend that the only thing in common with this fic and the Harry Potter series is the names. (The fact that I'm not a Harmonian might make it even easier, actually.)

It's basically an entirely new character, with the canon persona being an elaborate ruse (or series of misunderstandings). If you read anything from this fic, read the parts in chapter 6 concerning her. She is basically Umbridge in name only.

This OC in everything but name is basically the sole redeeming feature of this fic.

Dolores Umbridge? Recruit? Meep! O.o; I dunno about you, but I don't think the PPC needs another humanoid THAT power-hungry and twisted in within its ranks.

Plus, half the agents would probably try to kill her and her kitten collection within five minutes of her arrival. {= P

~Neshomeh

And some from lower in the thread, too. Awesome. *noms them*

~Neshomeh

*Brings out a bottle of Bleepka and a funnel*

Will this be enough or should I get the still? I've had the fire set under it ever since I read chapter 2 *shudders*.

It's not technically 5th year AU, and it ain't H/Hr, but the Nightmares of Futures Past is good for a read--it's one story on the Pit worth reading(if anyone's interested, it's written by a psych major calling himself S'TarKan)... Oh, and anything on the Viridian Dreams forum--that's where he posts his other stuff. (see here: viridiandreams.net/forum). It's all wonderful stuff, and going back to other fic after reading some of the stuff there will make your brain melt.
*goes to read something by Joshua the Evil Guy*
See ya,
-Honu_Wahine

"Someone, Please! SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD!"
-The Cat, Red Dwarf

Would you be interested in an insanely long post 5th-Year AU H/Hr goodfic (or two), guaranteed smut and squick free? I know I would.

Personally I prefer fics where Ron is conflicted, but gradually comes around, where Molly's biases (if she has any prejudices at all) are subconscious and ground into the bone so much that she doesn't realize it and Ginny...

I don't have nuthin' against Ginny before HBP, but she was being such a snit to Fleur that I couldn't read anymore. Personally, I prefer where she's finally over Harry or possibly (if she has to be antagonistic) desperate, obsessed or possibly deep-level possessed.

I'm not even going to touch the unmitigated level of underage squick in this (hem-hem)story.

Although I did like the idea of an AU deep-cover Delores Umbridge. Maybe someone should recruit her?

That fic just doesn't FEEL like it comes from the HP universe at all. I don't know how anyone can take such complex characters and then write a story that's completely pointless and uninteresting.

And why so much Ron abuse? I don't like Ron, but I don't understand the desire some writers have of making him such an idiotic jerk...

I read the damn story all the way through. I want to die. Could someone shoot me through my monitor now? Or at least recommend me to a good psychiatrist? Oh merciful Hades below, I want to die.....
Wait. I deserve this mental anguish. I read *all* of it, in one go, with no bleepka. Oh Hades, I want to die...!
-Honu_Wahine

I have said this before: I am a Harmonian, I ship Harry/Hermione and on this issue I am completely SMEGGING DELUSIONAL in my like for AU fanfic which disregards the epilogue (perhaps also the 6th and 7th books).

But will not defend THIS:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4605681/1/TheRealUs

It perpetuates the worst Harmonian stereotypes, it showcases horrendous arrogance and character rupture.

AND IT BROKE MY SQUICK-OMETER!

WARNINGWARNINGWARNING: sexual contact (of the second base sort) between preteens.

Kill it! Kill it NOW!

*faints in disgust*

Welcome to the Board. Please deposit your sanity in the provided receptacle. *indicates bucket marked "Warg Fodder"* You shan't be needing it here. Also, here's a muffin.

I thank you from the bottom of my rehydration units.

But don't get too comfy, I'm coming with a new badfic report soon and between you and me, it's the worst, possibly most squicky Harry Potter Harry/Hermione fic I've ever seen (and as an OTP'er of that ship, that's saying alot, although it does have one redeeming feature).