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((Ori: "AND I AM NOT A DRAGON!"))

(("Canonically no side-effects?! Excuse you, but the entire reason I'm in this form to begin with is because of side-effects, you useless, half-burst pustule of a--"

Really, though, I love it. So much. Now, time to get to work on my version... >:3))

Well, technically I finished it five days ago, just took me a while to finish ye Board post. Sunburns are no good for my productivity. I would've finished the census sooner, too, but trying to answer all the questions as accurately as I could turned out to be more time consuming than I anticipated. On the plus side, I learned a few things about myself. Apparently I learned to read much sooner than I thought I did, and my mother was a bit afraid I might have been mute until age three. I also hadn't realized I've been writing for seven freaking years! Kinda wish I'd done more in that time, but still, how time flies when you're having fun, eh?

Arr, happy Boardiversary, matey! Four years I been sailing these waters, an’ we all have the greatest respect for ye and yer very, very large cast o’characters.

Here’s to another fifteen years! Fetch the rum, lads, and hoist anchor!

Avast, shipmates! September 19th be Talk Like A Pirate Day, and that means - since I be long ago forgettin' me actual date of joining - that it be me Official Boardiversary!

Fifteen long years I've been on the good ship PPC, keepin' her steady against me own tendency to rock the boat, and in that time I be creatin' quite a few characters. Aye, quite a few... and every single one o' them be in this story.

Talk Like 15 Pirates

A glorious romp through HQ this be, wi' familiar faces on every corner. It be takin' a couple of months work, but after a final burst of writin' this very mornin' (I found a handful of extra characters who be needin' to show up) it be finally finished on schedule!

I hope that ye enjoy it, and ask ye kindly that ye review if ye feel like doin' such.

Yo ho, me hearties!

hS

PS: I be sayin' that 'every character' o' mine be in there, but... be that true? A challenge I give ye: if ye bring me the name o' someone I be missin' out, then not only will I put them in an' give ye credit; I'll be rewardin' ye with a sketch o' the character ye be findin'. ~hS

Peregrin was dozing off in the warmth of the Courtyard under a summer-like "sun", at least until a large dragon-shaped shadow passed over his head. Said shadow was, in fact, cast by a dragon, whose shimmering bulk was about to pass over Peregrin.

"Ori!" Peregrin shouted. "Do you have a moment?"

"I might, depending on what you want it for." she replied, gliding lower.

"I was hoping you would have time to assist me with certain experiments."

Ori dived down, coming in for a landing near Peregrin, who was sitting up. "I take it you are referring your quest to, ah, explore, every type of life in the multiverse."

"Yes." Peregrin replied. "Have you reconsidered my earlier request? I have, after all, never been with a Gaemmara, and I believe it would be a very enlightening experience."

"I still do not see how we would accomplish that, given our rather different proportions." Ori said, waving a wing for emphasis.

"I have been considering this." Peregrin said. "You have the power to shapeshift, and, from what you have told me, it can be applied to others. Could you, perhaps, increase my size - or simply increase the size of the relevant body part - so that we could both have a satisfying carnal experience."

"'Carnal', now there's a word I have not heard in quite some time." Ori said, laughing. "Can you even do that sort of thing at your age?"

"We Thousanders have techniques," Peregrin said, "that extend our sexual viability specifically to resolve this problem. After all, it would not be much of an extended life if we could not enjoy ourselves."

"Ah." Ori replied with a low purr. "Then I suppose I could use some ... more intelligent company. Luxury is a rather poor conversationalist, despite her extensive skills."

"Luxury, Luxury, ... she wrote the rather comprehensive reference text, yes?"

Ori nodded.

"Now, before we engage in our practical experiments, would the enlargement process be reversible?" Peregrin asked. "I would rather not specialize in dragon-sized partners just yet."

"Of course. There are canonically absolutely no side-effects to Viviomancy."

"So ..." Peregrin asked, "how do you want to go about this?"

"I think the easiest way would be to make you approximately my size. Then we could," she licked her snout, "... enjoy each other."

"I agree." Peregrin said. "Especially as this plan relies on magic, which means the square-cube law can be ignored for narrative convenience."

"It is also fortunate that Gaemmara have mammal-like anatomy in that respect for no clear reason." Ori added.

"Yes, yes." Peregrin said.

"Now, I think it would be best for us to begin without delay lest someone enter the Courtyard at an inopportune moment."

"Of course." Ori said, rolling on to her side. "May I enlarge you?"

Peregrin moved his things off into the distance where they wouldn't get in the way. These things included his robe, since he didn't want to damage it during all this, especially since he wouldn't be needing it. He laid down near, but not too close to, Ori. "I am ready."

Ori said a few words in pseudo-Latin, and Peregrin suddenly became a whole lot bigger. Since he'd cleared the area beforehand, this didn't cause any damage, and he was far enough from Ori that he didn't run in to her. He slowly lifted an arm. "This will take some getting used to." he remarked.

"It does, yes." Ori said. "Take some time to adjust, and then we can explore your new form thoroughly."

Peregrin spent a few minutes moving various body parts around and turning around the grass. Then, he said, "I think I am ready."

"Good." She scooted over to Peregrin and embraced him. The pair of complete nerds then cuddled, kissed, cuddled some more, and eventually had a very good time, the details of which are being glossed over because the author doesn't feel like writing that sort of thing.

"Peregrin, that was wonderful" Ori said, yawning, after the main part of the experiment had concluded.

"It absolutely was." Peregrin said. "My thanks, Ori."

"We should do this more often."

"Yes. More data will be helpful. Especially with such an intelligent and exciting partner to collect it from."

"Oh, you."

"Was my assessment of you incorrect?"

"Not at all." Ori said. "But it was nice to hear it."

"You are welcome, then." Peregrin replied. "Now, as wondrous as this all was, I would like to be my usual size again."

"Very well." A bit more pseudo-Latin followed, and Peregrin was back to normal, though, as expected, minus clothes.

"Maybe next time I should shrink down." Ori said after the change went through. "I have never been human-sized in this form, and it could be an intriguing perspective."

"Hm, yes, that could be, though it might fundamentally be the same coupling as we just had."

"True. Maybe I could go human. It has been much too long since I have used that form for those purposes."

"We could see if your usual shape affects how you operate!"

"Good idea!" Ori exclaimed. "Not today, though. Maybe next week?"

"Time is inconsistent enough here that 'next week' is almost meaningless." Peregrin said. "How about the next time we meet here?"

"Sure." Ori said. "It's a date."

"Well, no, maybe, somewhat, I suppose it could be, yes."

"Great. See you then!" With a running leap Ori took off and soared into the far reaches of the Courtyard, while Peregrin yawned and dozed off on the grass. It was, after all, a warm, "sunny" day in the Courtyard, and he might as well take advantage of it.

(( Hi everyone. Meet badfic!shipverse!Peregrin and someone vaguely resembling Assistant Librarian Ori. ))

... and poor Omegon?

It's not that men are forced to assume any role: They will simply naturally gravitate to their role. An Omega need not submit to an Alpha male, but if they don't, their omega instincts and desires will scream out in ever-greater need for it.

((615, assuming that really is you... I love you man.))

I was thinking about what SMDS normally writes, and I realized that "ABO" brings up some thorny issues of predestination. If some men are born "alphas" and some are born "omegas" (I don't know where the "betas" are), doesn't that assume men must carry out the "sexual role" forced upon them by cruel fate, with no possibility of change?


Glory to Dorn, salutations to all present:
LordHammerfell, master of his own destiny, would-be conqueror, "violent, sexual animal"

Have a cupcake!

Note: this prompt features a much younger Tiger than any of the previous ones, for plot-related reasons.

“Ah!” said Tiger’s father, Francis Moon. “Henry! I was hoping to speak to you! How’s your research into the southern giants going?”

“Very well, thank you,” Henry responded, turning around to face Francis. “And who are these? Are they your children? They’ve grown so much since I last saw them!”

Tiger and Holly did their best to look polite and respectful and not cringe when Henry ruffled their hair. But after ten minutes of this, it was starting to become a struggle.

At first, when Francis had told them he was taking them to this elite scientific conference, he’s thought it would be exciting hearing about all the latest breakthroughs. It certainly wasn’t: it was like the most tedious lesson ever, a family reunion and one of Francis’s worst tests rolled into one.

In other words, it was mind-numbingly boring.

“Yes,” said Francis, “these are Tiger and Holly. Tell me, what progress have you made with the… payments?”

Henry glanced meaningfully at the children. Francis, taking the hint, said: “Tiger, Holly, would you mind just sitting over there for a moment? I need to speak to Henry for a bit.”

Tiger and Holly walked over to the chairs that had been indicated.

“Let’s make some mischief,” whispered Holly, smiling a little. “These boring old professors need a good shock!”

“What’s the plan?” replied Tiger, who was so bored he would have done anything as a distraction.

Holly pulled a small enamelled box out of her pocket and lifted the lid to reveal a white powder.

“Isn’t that the thing Dad taught us about… what does it do again? Oh yes… hair-growing powder?”

Holly nodded. “I stole it from Dad’s desk. Let’s stick it in everyone’s food and drink!”

“Okay,” said Tiger. “I’ll do the drink, you can do the food. You go first.”

Holly nodded a second time, stood up and walked off.

Tiger watched as she sprinkled the powder onto the surface of some fruit and came swiftly back. She handed the box to him.

Cautiously, Tiger stood up and began making his way over to the table which contained the wine, having tucked the box safely into his pocket so no-one saw it.

When he reached the table, an unfamiliar old man asked him: “Having a drink, are you?”

“No,” said Tiger, “it’s illegal.”

The old man chuckled a little to himself and said “Of course the son of Francis Moon would never break the law!” Then he wandered off, leaving Tiger feeling as if he’d missed a joke.

Tiger sprinkled the powder, a little at a time, into each goblet. As he did so, he could see the effects of Holly’s fruit already beginning: many people’s hair was growing incredibly quickly.

“What are you up to, Tiger?” It was Francis.

Tiger jumped, and dropped the box. White powder spilled out onto the neatly carpeted floor.

Francis glanced at the box and the powder, then at Henry, whose hair was already down to his shoulders, and Tiger could practically see him drawing a conclusion.

He was in massive trouble.

"Are you sure about this?" Zeb asked as Rina set a bowl of soup in front of him. "I mean, I watched you make this. It's basically just water. And the meat is cooked. I don't mean any offense," he added quickly. "But human food just doesn't seem very... filling. Or healthy."

Rina blew her bangs out of her eyes and sat in front of him. "It's zuppa toscana," she said. "Cream and kale and potatoes and spicy sausage. Seriously, you'll like it if you enjoyed those fire flakes."

Zeb hesitantly picked up his spoon in a very clumsy grip. Rina picked up her own, turning her hand slightly so he could see how she did it. Zeb quickly readjusted and dug in.

It took him a few tries to figure out how to scoop up a generous spoonful without spilling anything back into the bowl, but then he lifted it to his mouth for a taste. His eyes widened and he set his spoon aside, picking up the bowl and tipping its contents into his mouth.

Rina watched him gulp down the soup with a huge grin. "Enjoy that, did you?" she asked when he finally set the bowl down, smacking his lips.

"Immensely," Zeb said, sniffing around as he looked back at the pot. "Can I have some more?"

The mission of S.P.U.D., in-universe or out, cannot be subject to the whims of newbies.

The S.P.U.D. in PPC HQ stands for the Society for the Procuration of Ultimate Dominion. There were originally twelve of them, though now they are down to just four. They would never use the term Oldbies of themselves, though of course they have been around long enough to claim the title if they wished to. To them, anyone who hasn't been here at least since the LotR movies were coming out is a newbie.

We suppose some newbies on the Board might consider Phobos to be a sort-of Oldbie, but we at S.P.U.D. hold true to the original meaning of the term. Phobos is far too new to understand the true spirit of the PPC; he should submit to his wife and her fellow true Oldbies, as should we all.

So, A!hS is a Legoluster; it's kind of hinted at in his first mission, but not very strongly. And in his third, he tells fake!Arwen that she is so not his type.

It's explicitly mentioned in his fourth mission, but that's not quite finished yet. I should get back to that...

The issue is that I don't tend to write lusting very much (I think Kaitlyn has, like, one or two scenes where she does it, and that maaaaay be it), and only put my agents into relationships when they're reaching the end of their runs. So yeah, three missions in it hasn't really come up yet.

hS

...multiple days ago. Hush you.

Hiya, fellow new person. Have a good time here!

Hi there, fellow new person. Hope you have a good time here!

As far as I know, A!hS's orientation has never come up in uniberse

I'll look those up later.

For now, I've got a really cool plan involving reinterpreting classic folktales...

((I actually do have a plan! You may or may not ever see the results, depends on if I can be arsed to do it. You can thank/blame Ix for pointing me at the idea, though...))

Leaving aside the inclusion of your usual nonsense with no real justification, is there a reason you opted not to use any of Dafydd and Constance's actual children for this? Ain't none of them named John, or currently employed in the present-day PPC. And that's not how genetics work, either. Not even Tolkien fantasy genetics.

--Lemony