Subject: After much destractions and befiddlement, I am attempting to write myself a profile.
Author:
Posted on: 2022-09-02 17:46:35 UTC
Hello to all and sundry! I am ExtraRingwraith, a nerd and lover of Tolkien. I entend to write some stories here, provided I have time off from being an apprentice fiddler and scholar.
((This is TheBefuddledBookworm. I tried not to have the spelling be too bad because that just makes me cranky having to look at it.))
iff youv'e been paying atetnion to me yu shuold know taht Ihave been PLAYJERRISED by an AYE-AYE atl east thast what Lililith saed. I tink we need to sohw that strepsirrhine primate native to Madagascar with rodent-like teeth that perpetually grow[3] and a special thin middle finger WHAST' WHAT. Sow it hoe TRUU PPC FANSS WRIGHT.
sO every2 geto ver to fanficVERSE adn wright all teh ORSOME PpC FISC you can TIHNK OF!!1! TAht'll show it!
-JayBird
PZ: RED MY FICSS mu girflend betes them noww.
(Because Linstar would probably have melted in despair if I didn't get this up, and the [checks] playjerrising aye-aye was a good opening.)
Welcome to the PPC Badfic Game! Ripping off the previous intro post because that seems to be a tradition now...
What is this? This is the thread where we let our inner badfic writers have free rein. All PPC stories are technically fanfics of the Original Series - but they're all goodfics. That's clearly unreasonable - most fanfic of anything is terrible. So this is your chance to write the baddest of the badfics. Go nuts!
Who can I write about? Any agents currently in the PPC are open for you to mutilate. There's a Creativity Shield around ffV, so everything here is emphatically uncanon. Try to avoid using abandoned agents whose creators have left, and if someone asks in this thread that their agents not be used, please respect that.
Where do I post? In this thread, please. An increasing number of previous games are on fanficVERSE, but it's not a live site; I'll archive stuff When I Get Round To It (TM).
What name should I post under? You should come up with the badficauthorest name you can, of course! Take a look at some of our previous examples. (Note: there's no need to make a new account, just edit your name when you post.)
What sort of story should I write? A bad one! Obviously. But also one that's fun to read. Try not to overdo it on the illegible typos, and remember that you're trying to be funny, not offensive.
Can I leave reviews? Emphatically yes - that's half the fun of the game! But do remember to leave them in character - and equally, remember that the flames you receive are not real flames. They're a game. Don't get upset.
Do I need a beta? Hahahahahahahaha. Don't be ridiculous. ^-^ What sort of badfic writer has a beta?
Do I need Permission? Again, what sort of badfic writer asks permission? (No. No you don't.)
Why are we doing this? Because it's fun! And traditional!
hS/JayBird/fanficVERSE Admin
((I don't even remember JayBird's last story existing... I'll have to, gulp, read it and see if it should continue.))
I live! Sorry I'm not absolutely on top of my upload schedule, I had to comb through a lot of great ideas for some new characters and stories! I promise that the wait will be worth it though :))
Here's the first part of a drabble I have going based on Good Mod Addict's Permission request! Fluff first, fun later ;D
Yinz’r stepped from the RC kitchen into the main room, where his partner was sobbing uncontrollably into her gas mask. The Dragonborn’s heart was unable to withstand the piteous cries of one so dear to him (for she had valiantly saved his life on more occasions than he could count), and so his muscles rippled, propelling his scaled form forward with the full intent of saving Beksis from whatever was troubling her.
“What’s wrong?”
“Not much,” the Fallen replied. “I was just sad about the fact that my society collapsed because we kept pissing off the people given superpowers by a magic golf ball”
“What’s a golf ball?” Yinz’r asked. “Can it be used as an implement of destruction?”
Beksis considered the question for a moment. “Yeah but that isn’t the point,” she said.
“Well if we want to talk about angst, I decided to become immortal because I am a power-hungry maniac but I’m a prophesied hero so literally nobody can judge me.” Yinz’r grinned vampirically.
“That is the complete opposite of helpful considering my experience with incredibly powerful beings,” Beksis pointed out. “Could you at least pretend to try to cheer me up instead of making things worse?”
“Maybe” Yinz’r said, reaching out to caress his co-worker’s chitinous face with a tender claw. Beksis looked upl at him, her face flushed from both tears and the unexpected companionship. His eyes glowed not only with the hunger of his ever-present thirst, but with a warmth born of friendship and understanding “Your past is gone. You ran away from it. What matters now is where you are, and what you do now that you’ve escaped. The friends you make, the worlds we save, and the crap pay we get from the Flowers.”
“Oh, Yinz’r,” Beksis breathed, a wisp of Ether crystallizing in the air between them, “You always know just what to say. Thank you for reminding me of my purpose!” Yinz’r smiled again.
“Anytime. After all, we both have forever to live… until Bungie decides to actually define your average lifespan.”
Excellent comedy. Loved the blasé discussion of serious things and the blunt critique of video game illogic. 10/10, would snort into my glass again.
(It was meant as a comedy, right?)
--Lemony
Your name is stupid!111 I hate you!
—lol
((Stay classy, lol.))
((Yeah, I dunno what’s going on here.))
(( What's happening is that lolkittyking is playing the squeaky mouse to Lemony's bored cat. ^_~ ))
((Nah, lol’s definitely the cat. I mean, it’s in his name!)j
I didn’t unersamd anything but it was sooo great! I loved it!!!!
x-lol
Aulhar Tauran, lion-man with multiple scars on his face and a partially torn-off ear opened the door to a dimly-lit RC when someone knocked. “You got the goods?”
The agent at the door silently handed over a rattling briefcase of ‘liberated’ Bleeprin. Aulhar passed it to his (very unofficial) partner, Kkukttak, who checked through the goods, testing one of the pills to make sure it was good. Without a word, Kkukttak scurried off into the RC and came back with a flamethrower, which he passed to Aulhar. Aulhar then handed it to his customer. “If anyone finds out you got that from me,” he said, raising up one of his hands with his claws out, “we’ll have a problem, understand?”
The agent turned away from the scary kitty and bolted down the hallway.
“That was our last flamethrower, right?” Aulhar asked after he closed the door. He still had a head for numbers from when he’d legitimately worked in Finance and from his life before … until he’d met Kkukttak, when he’d realized that whet he really wanted to do was pursue a life of crime alongside that handsome man who really should take his cloak off more often.
“Yep,” Kkukttak agreed. “You good to get more?”
“Sure am,” Aulhar replied.
He went to get his gun, the cart, the hot wired Remote Activator, the force field generator Kkukttak had nicked from somewhere, then waited for Kkukttak to get his gear ready (mostly knives - lots and lots of knives) and punch in the portal.
The two agents emerged in front of the Mann Co. store. Aulhar barged in the front door, then pulled his gun on the clerk. “This is a robbery,” he declared. “Put all your flamethrowers in the cart and no one gets hurt.”
The clerk responded by trying to shoot Aulhar, but all the bullets bounced off the force field.
In the initial chaos, Kkukttak snuck around behind the clerk to intercept anyone who might be coming to help.
“We just want your flamethrowers,” Aulhar repeated, shooting a hole in the floor.
“Ok, fine, I’ll give you the flamethrowers,” the clerk said, putting his hands up. Getting shot by a lion was well above their pay grade, especially not when someone has just possibly up behind him with a knife out.
Said flamethrowers were efficiently loaded onto the cart, which Aulhar wheeled outside, though the portal, and back into the RC they were ‘borrowing’.
Once Aulhar’s Expedited Acquisitions had replenished its stock of one of its most popular products, Kkukttak looked at Aulhar meaningfully. “You really get me going when you’re all intimidating like that.”
“I know. Let’s get to bed so I can show you what else I’m made of?~”
The cacophony moaning, yowling, and squeaking that followed for the next hour was both the intended outcome of the interspecies gay pirate sex, and an indicator to whoever their neighbors were at the moment that they shouldn’t come by to meet the agents they were living next to.
(( Wherein I subject one my characters to a slash-wraith, more or less - Tomash ))
But I loved it!!! Bland praise! Btw, why do u have the same name as the actual author of Aulhar?
—lol
((Err, you forgot a badficcer name. —Ls))
sorry i couldnt make it to the last one i had too much school and died -_-
anyway finally here is the prequel to my gacha life ppc story were we get to see how the SO and SE got together OwO you will also find out the SOs super secret secret
its all made in gacha club this time and i think ive done better sound editing this time but its got a bit of blud and kissing an stuff but its not that bad so pls watch it anyway just do it with headphones or in private since spoiler alert two trucks plays at the end
i hope you guys injoy it uwu
And I gotta check out whatever you used for this - looks like that it is perfect for comedic stuff, with the chibified character design and all. Excellent job on the classic PPC characters, they really look the part!
((the community is a bit insane though, it's full of some crazy suefics and slashfics I'm trying to work out how I could spork sometime, but yeah it's a great tool for making characters))
I downloaded Gacha Studio, the character maker and scene editor-only version for PC, and I'm putting it to good use.
I <# IT! They r so cute!!! & I LOVE that u did a video! I want 2 c the 1st vidoe 2, but I can't find it. Link plz?
U shuld make vidoe s of other ppl's sotires, 2, like JayBird's! She's the BEST & I wuld watch the heck out of that!
XOXOX
or if that doesnt work click here
-"Guys kill this lady" "Yes please" "wait what"
-the one EPC agent, I think her name was "randomizer tool", having a pinwheel as a weapon. Pity yandere Jay killed her before we saw it in action
-You and the SE arguing about the date
-literally everything the Queen Anne's Lace says (special mention to her reaction to Lux barfing rainbows)
-SE's enraged scream when SO asks him to admit the truth
-"Do emails work across dimensions?"
-"manly sobbing noises"
One question, though. I don't remember them being catboys in the original video, are they actually catboys now or do the ears represent like, sunflower petals or something? (and thx for the forewarning about two trucks, I watched the video on mute)
(Edit: goddammit fanficverse let me write a list)
they have ears in that theyre just harder to see bc of the crowns
((It was hilarious.))
Besides, Its not even on FFV! Its just a uTube video!
((lol has no power to ban “Gacha Queen”, he’s just a hypocritical jerk.
—Ls))
Righto, I'm back. I wasn't originally going to participate in this, but it turns out Louie (my younger sib for those not in the know) liked the piece we wrote for last year enough that he wanted me to make another one this year. I don't get much time for writing these days, but hey. Twenty dollars is twenty dollars.
I'll try to get a piece up. Eventually. Maybe. Again, time constraints and all. I'll try not to disappoint.
-Lou
((A little late, but I guess I'm here. In a funny little parallel between my badfic persona's older sibling and my actual self, I haven't got much time to write recently. I do have something buried in my pile of work-in-process Google Docs, so I might try pulling one of those back up if all else fails.))
((OOC content warning: this contains some body horror, possible language, and a good amount of BL2 on the Discord blacklist.))
(Lou’s Note: Hello, folks. I bargained a bit with Louie, and we decided I’d lower my price from twenty to fifteen provided he writes some of the story himself, so you’ll see some contributions from him here and there. Figures of speech, some descriptions, a paragraph or two every now and then. Hope it’s not too jarring. Thanks for your patience.)
(Louee’s NoteL I’M BACKBABY!!!!!!!!!!!! This is SO WOTH the QUIDOLLARS ipaid !!!! i HOPE you ike it its my BEST WORK EVAR1111111)
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
As always, the Cafeteria was busy. Not just the main dining hall - that was a given. With how many Agents there were with various daily waking cycles, along with how time seemed different for all of them, the tables were rarely, if ever, empty.
As a result, the Cafeteria workers, rarely, if ever, had a break. Even if they weren’t being assigned tasks, the sheer trial involved in navigating the non-Euclidean and sometimes backrooms that were the kitchens meant that when they made it out, it wastime for their shift again and they were forced back in by ethereal Obligations.
In one of the kitchens, a few workers were on meat duty, the room they were in fittingly covered in piles of glitter, assorted blades, and a rusty shovel.
The room had two exits-a human-sized vent in the corner that was so poorly bolted that it could flipopen like in Among Us, and a massive, ornate double-doored gate made of intricately forged curls of metal that was far too fancy for the messy room it guarded.
“We’ve got meat supplies from ESAS, sir!” Ocotillo made her way through the large gate, pushing a wooden box taller than your average small giant in front of her.
Ocotillo was a dragon, and that was okay. Though by dragon standards she was quite small, she was still very large to your average humanoid (which made up a concerning number of the PPC HQ’s population, in her opinion). She was over six meters tall and much longer, and had to practically squeeze through the gate, large as it was.
"Your request has been registered. Give it a moment." Tess, one of Ocotillo's fellow workers, walked over with a bone saw. She gripped the side of the giant wooden box, then began sawing at a corner.
Tess was a mess in multiple senses of the word. She was comically top heavy in a way normally associated with over-ambitious Suvians or certain suspicious anime, and likely would have had hellish levels of back pain if she still had functioning nerves. As it wasmost of her was dead, her skin stretched and papery and patched and papery and. Scattered across said skin were steel plates and wires patching over open wounds. The distinctive whine of metal on metal filled the air as she sawed at the box with a robotic limb (one of four).
After a minute of aggressive sawing, a hole had been carved into the box. Meat quickly flowed out, the wooden square quickly displaced by the glittery mush seeped forth like chocolate milk from a brown cow.
“Oh, meat’s here? Why didn’t you tell me?” An old man wandered over, an industrial-size wheelbarrow hefted over his shoulder. By industrial-size, one means the size of your m
Ligma B. Matterhorn was a man with a strange name and strange demeanour. Barely over a meter tall, he was covered in more wrinkles than an old tuxedo left crumpled on a closet floor for years. Also like a closetdwelling tuxedo, he was covered in dust and cobwebs that ignoring any attempts to clean them off. He had a strange laugh and a giant toothy smile, both of which he displayed proudly as he caught the glittery meat in the massive wheelbarrow he had dragged over with him
“Power fantasy too looking at it!” he stuck hims gloved hand into the meaty mess and pulled it back out, letting the forbidden glitter pudding slowly ooze between his fingers. It almost seemed to quiver of its own accord. “That’s the good stuff.”
Tess looked over to Ocotillo. The dragon was awkwardly standing to the side, bent over so her horns wouldn’t get jammed in the Generic ceiling againl ike the last two times.
“Hey, Oc?” she said. “Could you check the label on that box again?”
“Which one, sir?” Ocptillo leaned over to peer at the top of the large box, squinting. “Er, what part?”
Tess glanced back to the open hole in the box, where the glittery meat was starting to quiver more tha normal, then back up to the dragon. “The powers list, please.” Her expression didn’t change - it couldnt much to begin with, seeing as all her nerves were dead -but her voice had a slight edge to it.
Octopillo seemed to hear it, and she tensed slightly. Nodding, she looked back to the list. “On it! It looks like suvian levels of physical strength, defying gravity…absorption?” she peered closer. “Regeneration - oh, ”
She stepped back as the wooden box began to shake. “Aw, camel spit.” She curled her venomous tail at the ready and tucked in her wings, teeth gritted. Tess edged back as well. “Matterhorn! Move!” he shouted.
“Eh? What?” The old man turned, putting a hand to his ear. “Wasnt listening, the meat's moving and its quite distrac-”
(space reserve for louie to add sound effects)
The box exploded. Glittery meat flew everywhere, the sheer force of it blasting all three workers against the wall and covering them in pasty red glitter-caked Nickelodeon slime.
From the remains of the box rose the Suvian meat, roiling together into the shape of an enormous face. It (fill in later, use thesaurus), as was standard for Suvians, but the effect was ruined by the fact that said face was made of textureless meat, and said meat was trembling violently. It roared, meaty jaw losing structure as the face stretched far taller than faces were supposed to go, the sound bouncing around the room like my dog after he hears the doorbell.
Covered in glittery ush and slumped against the wall, the Starbucks workers slowly took in the situation.
“Oh, it’s a Slorp wannabe. Hoho!” Matterhorn clapped meatily a few times.
“Oh, it’s a Slorp wannabe. Great.” Tess’s face shifted slightly in the direction of a frown.
“Who?” asked Ocotillo, utterly bewildered, trying and failing to unstick her horns from the ceiling..
(note to self: proofread the rest tomorrow)
JUst then the wlaa burst open a
I needed to
use this text
for the effect
I wanted
“i am HAIR!!!!!’ screamed a cool looking d epartment o mary sue aent weilding a goofy ah FLAMER CHAINSAW KATANA ran thru!
It wsalewis, a ESUS AGent withr ippling mussels and agmnigicentbugethat hreatened tobrsuthis pnaope wtih its SHEAR MASCULINIYTn!!!1 hehad athis dise a shinty akatan a makeog nbeakable amandamantium NIPPLE STEEL that shIInwd and fired like tha sun when hw pulled ti out of his back!!! Nuair nach robh e a’ marbhadh suvhians bha e a’ togail na fèithean aige!!!!! (Louie, please fix this when you have the time. What are you even trying to say here.)
‘oh its lewis: said Test
‘oh its lewis’ said ligma.
“What in the cactus-pricked moons is-” borth the cool agant and the not!slorp slapped her in the face. with there glares
‘LEWIS!!!!!” he screamed. “AND DON”R YOU FORGRT iT!!!!”
“...Help.”
lewis waved ad sheahted his kataaa at the slime monster. “dIE MOBSTER” He screamed! ‘yOU DONT ELON IN THIS WORLD”
[[insert:mike-wazowski-from-monsters-inc-2001.jpg]]
Th emonster roared back in deifance, then charged.
FOR ROD AND COUNTY!!!” scfeamed louwis as he ran forward heroiially to meet it,
- TO BE CONTINUED -
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-=-=-=-
You two are thee best writers ever! I genuinely loved it—the Blackout was my favorite, and now there’s MORE SLORP?!? HECK YEAH!!!
—lol
((For once, lol is being genuine. Besides, I liked it too. Particularly the “shear masculinity”—it’s a tiny bit of masculinity that’s fallen of from the rest somehow. And the work-in-progress-y-ness was pretty creative. Good job, both of you!
—Ls))
Warning: This fic might contain spoilers for Protectors of the Plot Continuum, so be sure to see all of it before reading this.
In the darkness of that night, away from the preying eyes and ears of those who would judge, some strangers slipped by unnoticed.
But they were not strangers, they knew each-other. And they knew each-other much closer then any of their friends did realize. They knew each-other both inside and out. But their friends did not know this. Their friends could not know. Their friends should not know this. Nor could they know. Because it was night, and thus away from their viscous, judging eyeballs.
"Is it safe?" said the first stranger, who was not a stranger to the other stranger but will remain a stranger to us for the moment.
"I think so. Its dark so none of the others should see us here, even if they are nearby. I think our secret is safe."
"Good. I couldn't take their judgement right now. My life is too stressful as it is. If it wasn't for you I don't know what Id do." "Don't worry Dafid Illlian, I will always be here for you - waiting in the dark" "Thanks, Teh gurl. I will always be in the dark for you too"
With that the two shadows embraced - an embracement in the night full of passion and romance. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... For a moment time seemed to slowed down. Dafid wondered why. Dafid Illlian turned around slowly (due to the time seeming to have slowed down). Then the explanation - Teh gurl was secretly looking at him. Looking at him in that special way. Dafids soul lit up like a beacon in the night - even though it was day.
In all of this. In all of this mess. They had eachother, even if eachother was the only ones that knew. Teh gurl turned away at that moment - Time jumped back to normal as Dafid Illlian was no longer transfixiated by Teh gurl. Fortunately no one else had noticed.
Summary: I suck at writing summaries. Bsides the 'fic isn't that long!
Dafid was sitting behind his desk. He felt the tears well up in his eyes . After their last adventure, Dafid found out just exactly how cruel people could be. How nasty and inconsiderate real humans actually were. Dafid Illlian stared at a picture of a polar bear. A magnificent beast who would not hesitate to kill him but at least it would be quick. Not a overlong conspiracy of many years, just to be unleashed on him when he was at his weakest and darkest moment. When he needed his friends the most.
But there had been one tiny ray of light in this whole . Dafid remembered fondly the day he discovered it. It was a tuesday morning he rememberanced. The memories surfaced before his mind's eye and took the most wonderful shapes. Before Dafid well knew it, a single tear welled up in his eyes and trickled down his cheek. Because even when all his 'friends' betrayed him, there was one consistant factor in his life: Teh gurl.
And Dafid knew that the rising aspirations between them could never become true, the feelings Dafid had for Teh gurl were the only thing in this world that still felt true to him. No lies, just that single, pure sense and feeling for Teh gurl.
Alas, Dafid thought to himself hopelessly. Why must they battle? Why must Dafid Illlian be destined to destroy Teh gurl? Can he ever tell Teh gurl how much Teh gurl means to Dafid?
If only he could. Then all his pain would be over. No more betrayal. No more suffering under the laughter from Constance (who told him she loved him, only to stab him right inti the heart at valentines day!). No, only Teh gurl and Dafid's true feelings for Her.
A/N Lol this has all been so depressive lol! My next bit will be less dark!
A/N I got bored with the story but then I read this really cool story about putting the characters in high school! It will be full of love and family issues and other cool stuff@
Teh gurl is like the school bully but everyone likes Her. And Dafid is like the loaner who just does snakeboard tricks on his own because no one likes him. It's really unfair to Dafid because he is really cool actually but no one at the school knows about his superpowers.
Dafid Illlian was in class. He was paying well attention because Dafid wanted to go to the best universities. But like always, annoying Teh gurl was being an meany as always. She was annoying other people in class and the teacher but her rep protected her. Until Dafid could take it no more. Dafid stood up and said: "Look, that you want to spend the rest of ur life in a call center aint my problem!" Teh gurl stopped and looked at hero with fury. Others in the class gasped. No one said that to Teh gurl (althoguh everyone ws secrfetly thinking that). Teh gurl laughed and got up from her seat and grinned masly. "What do you want,pointdexter? are u here to tell me what to do, huh?" Dafid gulped. He had not thought of what to do next now. But then wifee and The mighty lolkittyking33 rized from tier seats too. Dafid looked at them. they nodded back at him and with their arms crossed they looked like they could take Teh gurl on! And when Dafid looked on his right, he saw that the teacher had hid himself behind the desk. Even the teacher thought it was suicide to confront Teh gurl like this! So Teh gurl rose up and walked to Dafid Illlian and she said: "I will see you after school. In my turf. U know where to find it!" "I'll be there, said Dafid certain of himself! And Teh gurl left, leaving behind a trail of cold and shivers went down Dafid's spine. This wasn't going to end well. Some time later in their secret hide-away ;
"I am glade we found a way to survive all that and still be together" "Yes, our plan seems to have worked despite all the events" "Do you think anyone spotted us?" "No" "No" "Yes" Raven Shadowmoon emerged from the shadows of the darkness. "I know everything" she said. Dafid and Teh gurl gasped. Their secret was finally revealed!
"I dont love Teh gurl like you do" said Raven Shadowmoon "but I have always lusted a bit after them. So you see if Teh gurl spends the night with me - I will never tell anyone." Dafid Illlian breathed a sigh of relief. That was, after all, a reasonable request. They agreed to the bargain. "Phwee...thats something we can go along with" said Teh gurl relieved. Raven Shadowmoon was happy, and Dafid and Teh gurl thus got to live happily ever after together. With no one but Raven Shadowmoon and themselves ever knowing. And when everyone was ready to go, suddenly, the door opened!
"????!!" questioned Dafid Illlian exclaimingly. Because in the doorway, no other than Teh gurl stood! And lightning struck int he background and showed villain as a silluette.
But instead Teh gurl's usual smirk, there was confusion on her face! "Who.... who am I?" mutered Teh gurl "Who are you?!" Dafid said. "Who is she?!" Selene also said (a/n lol she aint very smart lol). "Who... who am I?" Teh gurl repeated... "I don't know who I am!" "Zomg, Teh gurl lost her memory!" concluded The mighty lolkittyking33 smartly. "Indeed, that is the only logical explanation," said Dafid, who of course had thought of it before The mighty lolkittyking33 did but was too noble and modest to say so.
"Maybe we can convert her to our side!" said Makes-Things. "That is a good idea," said Dafid and Dafid looked through his addressbook if he could find a therappist.
But then all the sudden, they were surrounded! By Teh gurl's Minionss! "Lady"! they said. "We have brought you the badfic!" The badfic! Dafid Illlian saw it within the hands of the highwayman. As ever as revoking as it always had been. If only Dafid could get to it! Then Dafid remembered... He had the power of Killing Sues!
Before Teh gurl could turn to the ninja, Dafid lept forward and grabbed the badfic from highwayman's hands. Dafid Illlian then apologised profoundly and patted the minions on their back. "Teh gurl," said Dafid Illlian, "I'm sorry, but it's better for you never ever to remember who you were." And with Dafid's Elf, he crushed the badfic. "Noooooo!" Teh gurl said, "Now I will never know who I am!"
"We'll get you sorted out," said Dafid Illlian wisely. Teh gurl looked happy. "Teh gurl should pay for her crimes!" yelled Makes-Things. "But she doesn't know what she did, so it's unreasonable to kill them for it," Dafid said wisely. Makes-Things recognised that he was being an arse and that Dafid was right all along. "All we can do is to help Teh gurl," said Selene, "And heal she with the power of love." she said as the usually stupid and naive girl she is. But Dafid thought long and deep about Selene's speech. "I know a way to solve it," Dafid said. But let's first go home. I'm tired. We've done enough adventuring for today. And then they all went home.
A/N Stay turned for more about Teh gurl's trauma and how the power of loveing heald her! It's gonna be an awesome story!.
Title: (Somewhere) Beyond the Sea
Authors: Lemony Eggnog, 221bagel, and DuskWater
Rating: T
Warnings/Tags: Pureblood Culture (Harry Potter), Aristocracy, Systemic Prejudice, Cross-Class Romance, OMC/OFC
Summary: Argo Robinson isn’t a pervert. He just wants a decent cup of tea.
Notes: This is a prequel to “(Somewhere) Only We Know.” Lemony couldn’t resist using the title for this piece, which comes from “Beyond the Sea” as popularized in by Bobby Darin. A good portion of the Pureblood Culture world-building comes from Ellory, and as far as we’re concerned, they can keep it.
Manhattan, 1958
Argo Robinson wasn’t a pervert. He just wanted a decent cup of tea.
It wasn’t his fault that the only place to get one within five blocks of the Woolworth Building was a Muggle-run café. He’d been given the tip by the previous British attaché to MACUSA’s Office of Magic Relations and Education, who had shared his view that the American take on the International Statute of Secrecy was frankly insane. As far as Argo was concerned, there was no harm in going among Muggles now and then as long as you had the sense to swallow your pride and dress like them while doing so. It was the very definition of his house motto, Modus omnibus in rebus: moderation in all things.
The trouble was, after his first few visits, it had stopped being about the tea.
Nora was her name. She was working there in the evenings to help pay for her higher education, both things that were still relatively uncommon for Muggle women nearly fifteen years after the end of the Second World War. Argo admired her dedication to the pursuit of knowledge, and her wit, and her fire when she spoke of making the world a better place, a place where people of all kinds could live together in peace.
He also admired the way her uniform’s skirt stopped just below her knees, showing off her long, shapely calves. And her apron, always starched and tied in a precise bow at the small of her back, pulled taut across generous hips. And her hair—oh, Merlin—it was styled in the most fetching caramel-hued waves, pinned only just enough to keep that adorable little white cap on her head. Argo wasn’t a pervert to go panting after any lowborn piece of tail to cross his path, he wasn’t, but Mother help him, he dreamed at night about burying his face in Nora’s hair and seeing if it smelled as sweet as it looked.
It was wrong of him. He was properly Lord Argo Robinson, Heir Penruddock of the Temperate and Most Ancient House of Penruddock, and he had been brought up correctly in the Olde Ways of Avalon. As the next in line to become the head of House Penruddock, he knew he was meant to wait for his soulmate, who would be a pure-blooded witch Mother Magic picked out for him personally, just as she had given her first and most beloved begotten daughter Morgana to Merlin in the Golden Age of Camelot.
Argo had wondered who his soulmate might be for a long time. Unlike some Magicals who were particularly high in Mother Magic’s favor, he wasn’t lucky enough to have been born with a soul-mark that would lead him to his true love. That hadn’t stopped him from looking for other signs—someone with a Patronus that matched his, or simply a Spark that would ignite in his soul at first contact. To his anguish, despite having attended formal engagements to meet likely girls (and even a few boys) and having done all the right things from the moment he had turned seventeen, he’d never felt his magic swell with the rush of love-at-first-sight that was supposed to come upon meeting one’s other half.
He was twenty-four now. Just about all of his pure-blooded mates from Hogwarts were happily Bonded already, blissfully in love and doting upon their first- or even second-born children. How he envied them! He had hoped taking this diplomatic posting in America would be the break he needed. Since he’d already met virtually every eligible witch and wizard in Britain, his soulmate must hail from some other shore. Maybe he’d find her here.
Instead, he’d found Nora. She made him feel things he didn’t have words for. His magic bucked almost painfully at the thought of her, tying his insides in knots he could only undo with an unforgiving application of cold water. It was humiliating, but he couldn’t stop wanting to be near her, seeing her smile when he walked into the café, hearing her laugh at the bad japes he made with his queer foreign words, knowing in his heart that she lingered by his stool at the counter because she felt something for him, too.
In the end, it didn’t matter that she wasn’t Magical. He courted her, and then he took a chance and broke every rule in the book by revealing his world to her. She was not afraid; she embraced it, and him, and Argo realized that was all he needed. He didn’t need to draw magical power from her hair; he drew strength of an entirely different sort from her courage. He didn’t need a magical Bond; he had a love that came not because Mother Magic willed it so, but because two people had chosen each other.
They couldn’t stay in America, of course, not with Rappaport’s Law still in effect. Argo resigned from his post and took Nora back to his cottage on the Eden River in Cumbria. His uncle Lord Penruddock was kind enough not to cast him out entirely, but Argo was obliged to give up his heirship and accept the censure of his peers.
None of that mattered anymore. He and Nora had each other.
And as it happened, Mother Magic couldn’t have been too displeased. She saw fit to give him a daughter.
And for a time, Argo Robinson was the happiest man in the world.
Lemony’s A/N: Apologies to my dear readers; I know this isn’t my usual fare, but trust me, there will be plenty of delicious UST in other works in this series. I also know this is only connected to the PPC by a thread, but there is a thread! A good undercover mission needs a good cover, right? Please indulge my need to take the premise of this crapsack universe, which is anathema to everything I stand for, and wreck it with realism and progressive values. :D
(( Neshomeh’s A/N: Pretty much what they said. {= D I’m also having fun taking a deep dive into my nostalgia for the Harry Potter role-play I used to be part of way, way back in the day. Argo and Nora are Jenni Robinson’s parents from that RP as reimagined in purityworld.
(( Edit: I goofed on the rules for noble titles in purityworld because they make no sense, so I fixed it. Also put the summary in present tense while I was at it, because it was bugging me. ))
You’re spelling is boring, and the concept is gross and creepy. Stay as far away from the PPC as you can, you weirdos!
The concept here is a man falling in love with a woman from a different culture and overcoming the prejudice with which he was raised so he can be with her. If that offends you, then I'm very pleased to have done so. Cheers! :D
Either that or you really need to learn not to comment on things you don't understand.
--Lemony
Whats happening here is you writing a gross self-insert in a stupid, nonsensical crossover!
You are a terrible human being!
—lol
Title: (Somewhere) Only We Know
Authors: 221bagel, Lemony Eggnog, and DuskWater
Rating: T
Warnings/Tags: Pureblood Culture (Harry Potter), Bonding, Courting Rituals, Aristocracy, Polyamory
Summary: Heiress Jenni Robinson has a problem. Heir Ryan Liu also has a problem. Muggleborn Jacques Bonnefoy is the solution.
Notes: The title comes from Keane's "Somewhere Only We Know". A good portion of the Pureblood Culture worldbuilding comes from Ellory, and as far as we're concerned, they can keep it.
Thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five…
The enchanted oxhorn comb gently wended its way through Lord Ryan Liu’s long, ink-black hair, counting out each stroke as it went.
Thirty-six, thirty seven…
Each evening, a hundred strokes. And the process was long and painstaking, too, as long as any Pureblood witch’s here at Hogwarts. In the illustrious Chinese Pureblood houses, both men and women drew magic from their hair. It was a gift from their parents, a symbol of their family’s honour.
Ryan sank back into the combing, letting the calming repetition soothe him. He turned the page in the book he was reading — an assignment for Transfiguration, first thing in the morning. The writing style was mind-numbing, but he had to get through it somehow.
He could ask Prefect Robinson for a summary, but he would rather not. It seemed as though many Purebloods had an aversion to her, possibly because she seemed intent on corrupting the hearts of young Pureblood witches. Why she would be selected as Prefect, he had no idea. She was clearly dangerous.
Fifty-eight, fifty-nine —
The door to the dormitory burst open, and a bright, familiar voice called through: “Ryan! I think you might’ve accidentally taken my Potions notes, since I couldn’t find them and Xenophilius Lovegood said you’d be —”
The comb dropped with a loud clatter to the cold stone. Ryan turned, his hands flying up to cover his hair, but it was too late. An earnestly-smiling Jacques Bonnefoy stood at the door of the Ravenclaw fifth-year boys’ dormitory, blue eyes wide at the sight of Ryan clad in naught else but his dressing-gown and his long, dark hair.
“Wow,” said Jacques. “I knew you had a lot of hair, but… wow.”
“You should not be here,” Ryan insisted, almost automatically. “It is improper to lay eyes on an unmarried wizard’s hair if you are not kin or Bonded.”
“Improper?” Jacques tilted his head to the side, quizzical. “What’s so improper about me admiring your hair? It looks so silky and soft. What do you use on it?”
Ryan sighed. He hated having to explain things to Muggleborns. It was not Jacques’ fault his parents were Muggles, but did no one in Hufflepuff wish to sponsor him in learning the ways of the Pureblood world?
“It is improper because it is an intimate aspect of a wizard’s power,” he explained patiently. “It was given to us by our parents and we dishonour them by allowing outsiders to see us like this.”
“I’m not an outsider,” said Jacques, with one of his usual pouts. “I’m your friend, aren’t I? We study together, go on trips to Hogsmeade together…”
He stepped into the room, and Ryan regretted not closing the door when he had the chance.
“Do not take another step closer,” he insisted, hastily tying his hair back up and grabbing his wand, pointing it at Jacques. “I will not allow you to compromise me.”
“I just need my Potions notes!” protested Jacques. “If you don’t have them, you could just tell me, and I’ll get out of your luscious hair. Please?”
Ryan kept his wand aimed at Jacques. “How many people know you are here to see me?” he demanded, as he started rummaging through his homework parchments for any sign of Jacques’ notes.
“Well, Xeno Lovegood helped me get in, and I’m meeting with Jenni after this, so…”
Ryan’s jaw tensed at the mention of Prefect Robinson. “Prefect Robinson is a dangerous influence on people.”
Jacques actually had the temerity to scoff at that. “What? But Jenni’s cool. Her mom has great taste in music, you know. Haven’t you heard the Beatles?”
“Why would I wish to listen to bugs?” demanded Ryan.
“Bugs? No, the band, Ryan. The Beatles. Here comes the sun, dee-doo-doo-doo-doo —”
“I do not have your notes,” snapped Ryan, interrupting Jacques’ singing by coming up to him and pushing him towards the door. “You should leave, before more people find out you have seen me in such a state and assume the worst. Be grateful I am not accusing you of anything untoward.”
Jacques blinked at him. “Is that really what you think of me, Ryan?” he asked, a note of hurt in his voice. “It’s just hair! I know it’s special to you, but it’s not the end of the world if someone not in your family sees it down. Wouldn’t it pain you to keep it all tied up all the time, anyway?”
Ryan gritted his teeth as he pushed Jacques back over the dormitory threshold. “It is a matter of courtesy and honour,” he insisted, before reaching for the door.
Jacques cut him off by brushing a bit of Ryan’s fringe out of his eyes, tucking it behind his ear. Ryan’s breath stalled abruptly, suspended in his chest alongside his heart.
“See?” murmured Jacques, his voice gentle. Too gentle. “Not the end of the world. You’re still courteous and honourable and all of that.”
Ryan swallowed, covering Jacques’ hand with his own. From here, he could drown himself in those ocean-blue eyes, or cut his hands with that strong jaw. From here, he could tangle his own fingers in Jacques’ mahogany locks, and see if it really was as soft as it looked.
“Jacques —” he managed to squeak out, after a moment, before another set of footsteps on the stairs caused him to duck back into the dorm room and slam it closed.
“Oh, there you are!” chirped the voice of Prefect Robinson. “Xeno said you’d come in but I didn’t know you’d gone up here. Severina found your notes in the library; I couldn’t stop her from making snide comments about your technique, but…”
“Thanks, Jenni!” exclaimed Jacques. Ryan knelt down to look through the keyhole of the dormitory door, and could see the familiar autumn-red plait of Prefect Robinson turning in Jacques’ hands. His own heart sank, and he sank with it, down to the cold flagstones.
“What are you doing over here, anyway?” wondered Prefect Robinson.
“Oh, I thought Ryan had taken my notes, so…”
“Please don’t tell me you saw him with his hair down. You know how Purebloods are about their hair.” Prefect Robinson laughed amiably, as she and Jacques’ footsteps began to recede. “My dad has the weirdest hang-ups about it, too, he’s always fretting about me not finding someone to ‘tend to my hair’...”
Ryan willed down the lump in his throat. He reached out with his magic to summon the comb back to him, untying his hair as he did so. As the long, black tresses spilled out across the floor beside him, he began the countdown again:
One, two, three…
((No joke, I do have a serious taste for pretty boys with long hair. Damn you, Tolkien elves))
At least we know when we're writing one.
--Lemony
I love the idea of PPC agentd going to Hogwarys! It's so creative! I love that your wotkibg to gether, its awesome!
I wAnt to write a fijc likes thag Ii cant wat to see what they get up too!
--lol
((I'm not surprised one bit.))
And Lemony Eggnog is a creepy creep!!
Summary: You meet O’Ryan Keys and fall in love. plz r+r!
Tags: (You!fic)(O’Ryan Keys)(Kissing)(i love tagging lol)(be nice please)(don’t flame!)(nobody likes that)
Once upon a time you were in agents of the ppc. You daw orian jeus. “Omg hes so hot you said to your fiend Polly”
“He is”
then...Orian came over!11
What will happen next. I know its short, I’m sorry!
—lol
I decided to look at ur fic since u talked crap about mine and its so bad and low effort how can uou even call it a full story it is just a poop paragraph
Theres mor to the fic!!! Read the rest first!!!
Ur just a hater!! U suck!
--lol
Do you think im blind or hav no eyes or smth i c u being salty because my vid is so much better than your fic
You dont even reed before critisizing. Therefore, you are worse!!11
—lol
You know what, your an idiot if you flame. Don't like dont read!!!
Hi said Orian. Yur hot.
O MG fanks u say. ''Your hot 2"
"Want to kisss"? he asks.
6u ponder this, knowing that Payh willb jealous when she knows of it.
"of coursr."
You kisz eack other.
More soon!!!
Every so often, the PPC universe offends me so deeply that I just have to react by folding, spindling, and mutilating it.*
Pay appears!
“ we werent kidding,” you say.
“Oh yea?! ??,?” she says.
Then she grabs Orisn. He’s gone! Forever and ever, you shall never have him again.
THREE MONTHS LATER
You sneek in2 Orian!s Rc.
“I love you, “ he says.
“Oh yea?!” says Oaye. “I don’t think so!”
She grabs a sock and swings it at you.
You duck, and knock her down. You and Ori. runawat 2 git married. You kiss. On the lils this time!!!!
THE E;ND
*((Cookie to anyone who gets the Legendary Badfic reference.))
((Pretty sure this won’t convince Lemony that lol’s mature.))
If you're still giggling about people kissing, I have a serious concern that you are not ready for the Internet. Are you okay? Are your parents at least feeding you, even if they're not making you do your spelling homework?
--Lemony
You know what? Kissing is mature and if you don’t like that then screw you!!!
I’m 51, FYI and I’m NOT CREEEEPY!!!
Your just a condescending creep. Go AWAY!!
—-lol
Express concern for a child's wellbeing, and this is the thanks you get around here. Sheesh.
At least, I assume "51" was a typo and you meant 15. If not, I have a whole different set of concerns...
--Lemony
Your not “expressing concern” your, being a CREEP and trying to HARASS me! Admin, please block this creep for trying to get my personal information!
What an uncreative loser you are. Your spelling is traditional and boring, instead of artistic like mine. You are just jealous, bcz you cant do anything but ripoff other fanfic writers with your characters inserted.
Besides, I’ve been here longer! I didn’t see you around in 2004!
—lol, being 1000% righter than Lemony, who isn’t even a Snicket.
If you check the records, I believe you'll find FanficLand didn't exist until 2006. Those 2004 entries are backdated.
Also, by the way, the links to your "old" stories don't even go to FanficLand (or 'World, or 'Verse). They go to OneDrive. You're really not fooling anyone.
--Lemony
(( For the record, Lemony is a jerk—but those links really don't work. ^_^;
~Neshomeh ))
I wrote the first story before FfL was FfL. Liechtenstein attacked and Stangest Love got deleted. I never said the second story was PpC at all, its from the Glooming (witch u should totlly reed lol)
Your the lier! JayBird can back me up!
—lol
((Actually, I kinda need lolkittyking33 to have been around in 2004 in the Badfic Games Authorverse, for Mina’s backstory to make any sense. Perhaps JayBird can verify his story?
And yeah, they are OneDrive because in actuality, lol didn’t exist in 2004. hS, when archiving, please add “Stangest Love” but not “glooming the rise of edward”.
Why do I suspect that Lemony is just Jerk!Nesh?
—Ls))
I invented them to take the blame for a slash story I wanted to write seriously but which is not and will never be canon. Their stories are meant to be representative of the diamonds to be found in the rough on any fanfiction site.
In their reviews, they might mean well and have a crappy holier-than-thou way of showing it, or they might be a white-hat troll, or they might flip back and forth as the mood strikes them. Either way, they're a smug, condescending a-hole (who is very fun to play). ^_~
I confess I forgot the deal with Mina's backstory, but her time stuck in a plothole could be adjusted to compensate for a couple years' difference, couldn't it?
Either way, the issue with OneDrive is that it wants me to log in to a Microsoft account in order to view the "sensitive info," and a) I don't know if everyone can do that, and b) even if you can, it's an uncomfortable hoop to jump through if your Microsoft account uses your real information. Is there a way to make something on OneDrive public and anonymous like you can with a GDoc?
~Neshomeh
A/N: I saw a challenge to write the weirdest PPC ‘ship you could think of. Here’s mine! Enjoy!
—lolkittyking33
“Oh honey I luv you’ said the ironic overpower. He was wearing a black shirt that said “PPC—predators of the plotconuaum on it.
“I love you to said the lady contravene.
They were in the troll decision of h.q. because sapphire is the best. “Lets kiss said ionic overpower. (Only he’s called Iro now, it’s his nickname)
Good idea!111” did the lady conriavance(she’s called Connie now). So they kiss.
Soddenly!!!
Lady conrivance had a baby!!11
OMLB lets name her lady luck she saud”after her aunt
“Great idée! Iro exclaimed.
THEN!!!!
They saw sum ppp. Agents!
“What r u doing!” yelled Admiral Pansy.
“whay d u fink
Then….
The So appearated!!!11
(What will happen next?!)
—lol
((Yeah, but the only reason she’s from 2004 is because those Games were the only ones that actually materialized in HQ—from what I understand, the Flowers put up the Creativity Shields before 2006. Otherwise, I’d just say she came from those Games and dispense with the Plothole stuff.))
((And no, there is no easy “publish” option. Curse stupid Google Docs for not working in my browser!))
((—Ls))
((The official backstory is that Fanfiction.net had a PPC section for about a month in April 2004. It was shut down, and two years later Fanfic Land opened its doors. Liechtenstein first attacked in 2010.))
((My own stories are backdated because I'm the archivist and ner ner ner. Other stories can be 'reposted' in later years. ~hS))
Let’s just say that he’s very confused. ;)
Do post them in the correct year, though. 2022’ll do.
—Ls, trying to understand “ner ner ner”))
Ellie Mae Rosebud was happer than shed ever been. She had a cool new gf (thalia) an a sorta boyfriend cause like Doomie wasn’t very good at commincatin. But she wanted sometin more. Ellie tossed her beatiful golden curly locks an blinked her violet silver blue orbs at the tots gorgeous woman wakling down the hall. Teh woman was tall and skinny but also curvy in all teh right places. She had a shiney ebony sheet off hair an violet orbs an really big bobs.
Zara scanned the paper idly, her eyes flicking over the misspelled words and terrible punctuation. “What’s it with badfic authors and using the word “orbs” to describe someone’s eye?”
Diamond looked up from her book. “I would presume a lack of vocabulary, or perhaps the desire to look more sophisticated than the thirteen year old fangirls most of them are.”
“Or maybe our eyes are just spinning orbs that can’t look past manmade structures into the veil of eternal darkness that surrounds our world.”
“What?”
Zara stopped her Evil Illuminati Overlord ™ face—which actually only made her look rather constipated—and stared at her partner. “The alien overlords cover Britain with a veil of eternal darkness.”
There was a long silence before the vampire carefully put down her book and folded her hands in her lap. “Mortal, there is this thing known as therapy. Please consider it.” She picked her book back up, adding yet another snarky comment to her litany of them. “Also, I’m sure that veil only exists to shield the rest of the world from crazy Brummy mortals with a Bleepette addiction.”
“Hey!”
Hi!” said Ellie to teh tots hot woman. I’m Ellie. What’s ur name? Teh woman stopped walking, her long scarlet skirt with a slit up the side swahing around her long creamy legs. I’m Diamond she said in a sexy alurring voice.
“WHAT?!!” Something resembling a very high pitched pterodactyl scream echoed up and down the corridors of HQ.
“WAHAHAHAHA!” The maniacal cackling that followed moments later did not do anything to ease the nerves of any agents cowering from the first scream.
Ellie swished her hips ina sexy manner. Ur super hott an prety. Wanna have teh sexy times with me? Diamodn (Authors Note tat name is super long so im gonna call her Dia) adjusted her sparkly onyx corset (i copeid tat of google search!) so her big bobs jiggle-jiggled nd noded. Like yeah, tots.
Bella snuffed at her owner as the young woman slumped to the ground laughing hysterically.
“JIGGLE-JIGGLED! HAHAHAHA!”
Diamond’s facial expression was hard to determine. Anger, horror, shock, and disgust make for a very interesting series of facial expressions.
“…She will die.”
Auhors Note!! Like omg im so exicted to finally get tis up!!!!1 isn’t Ellie Mae asesome?!! Shes like so kawaii! And im super excited to write a smut for like her and Dia!
((Actual Author’s Note: The smut will be very minimally detailed since Zara’s reading it… and laughing too hard to get the words out. Also, gah. That badfic was… something else to write.))
((The Actual Author would like to say that this next chapter is rather NSFW and contains swearing and BL9))
Ellie lead Dia back to her RC. Dia carfully unlaced her onhx corset and…
Zara stopped and skimmed the next paragraph. “No offense, Dia, but a detailed description of your chest wasn’t in my top ten list to read.” She paused for a second. “That is, a badly written description…”
Luckily, Zara had gotten lots of practice at dodging flying objects.
“Rude.” She dusted herself off and with some effort, pulled the clipboard out of the wall. “Anyway, where was I…”
Ellie sloly removed her hott pink crop top an unhooked herr hot pink bra. Whatcha think baby? she asked Dia. Am I sexy?
“NO!”
Zara looked up at her partner, whose teeth were clenched in a snarl. Honestly, this was the most pissed off she’d seen her since that smut with Aragorn, Boromir, and the fairy!Sue.
Dia noded her head, her super silky ebony locks fly8ng aorudn her delicate face. Ur beautful honey. She slide of her red skirt revealing hee black lacy thong.
“Um, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you’ve never worn a thong in your life,” said Zara, staring at the words. “I mean, I guess the whole constant wedgie thing matters less if you’re made out of stone, but still.”
“You would be correct, mortal, not that it’s any of your business.” Diamond looked ready to blow a gasket. Not that Zara could blame her.
Elllie knelt at her foot…
“Foot? Just one?” Zara ducked yet another flying object and continued.
And liked her prefect plump red lips. Ill give u a great time she said hottly.
There was a pause as Zara tried to figure out how someone could say something “hotly”.
Dia nodded. Ravish me! she cried an Ellie Mae…
“HAHAHAHAA!” Zara collapsed laughing once again while her partner went the closest shade to red a Twipire can.
“This is vile filth! I would never… I don’t even like females in that manner!” The vampire drew herself up to her full height, trembling with indignation. “How dare she!”
“Welcome back to another episode of Things No One Actually Says When Having Sex,” Zara quipped, hauling herself back onto the bed.
Ellie Mae used her figers to…
The reading was once more interrupted by Zara bursting into hysterical cackling.
Diamond glared absolute daggers at her and wished that this humiliation would end. Unfortunately for Diamond, EllieMae (the author) seemed to have only just started.
Delicate tongue… fingers thursting… crys of joy… desperate whines… legs flyin…
“Whoa, legs flying?” Zara sniggered, pausing in her endeavor of skimming… and reading choice phrases aloud. “Is this sex or a horror movie? Ow!” She rubbed the rapidly rising lump on the top of her head. “That was unnecessary!”
Her partner glared at her some more for dramatic effect. “It most certainly was not. This story is unnecessary and whoever wrote it deserves to be burned in acid.”
Teh 2 collaspsed panting on th bed. A single crystalline tear ren down Ellie’s porcelim cheek. I love u Dia… Teh vampire ran 1 icy finger down her colarbkne. I love u to… Suddenlt the door opened wit a bang! WHAT ARE U DOING U DOING U MOTHERFUKERS! It was……………… Zara!
Zara’s laughing ceased abruptly. “Aw shit…”
Auhtors Note! Like omg wasnt that super hott and kawaii and cute?!! I luvvvvvvvv writing smut!! What wil happen next? Will zara be meen or will she join teh fun? Find out!
((Actual Author’s Note: I would like to apologize. Sincerely. This chapter was also a lot longer in the version Zara and Diamond are reading, but I cut out the smut.))
Auhtors note! Like omg Ive gotten so far!!!!1 I love tis chaopter!! I aslo borowed nikki heheh cause like shes so sexy!!
((Actual Author’s Note: This chapter is also rather NSFW and has a tiny bit of current events salt in the beginning))
Ellie looked at teh gurl in the doorway. She was tall an thin like a willow…
Zara paused and took a deep breath before continuing to read—having to speak rather loudly over the strains of Scotland the Brave. (The song choice was for her ancestors, she’d explained to Diamond. And of course for her fellow blue collar Brummies.)
Her hair was like a luvicious waterfall of chenut an it fall ariund her small delicate face. Her emerald eyes blinked at tem as she pursed rosebud lips. She placed one thin but strong hand on her tots curvey hip and adjusted her tiny black top over her big bobs—ack!
Zara choked on the last line and chucked the papers at Diamond.
The vampire caught them with ease. “I must say, that was the most inaccurate description yet… and please stop banging your head against the wall. You’re already insane: I don’t need you getting worse.”
Her partner paused. “But if I’m already barmy, how can I get worse?”
“You’d knock more sense out of your head.” Diamond crossed her arms. “It makes perfect sense if you think about it.”
“No it doesn’t.”
Like seriously tho what are u doing? Zara said in her sexy posh Surrey accent
(This part has been redacted for bad language and questions about the author’s ancestors, their mothers, their education, and the state of their bowels. Diamond and Zara agreed it would detract from the story, although Zara would like to make it very clear she is neither posh nor a Southerner.)
We’r havin teh sexy times said Ellie. Wanna join? Maybe said Zara, pating teh head of her pet bear. The bear was fluffy an pink with sparkly sapphire eys and it was like super small for a bear. Ellie thought it was tots adorbs.
“Nooooo!” Bella howled, looking as insulted as a mutated bear can get.
There was a tiny wheezing sound and Diamond looked over at her partner, whose mouth was agape and who appeared to be mouthing the words “fluffy and pink.”
The bear poked her with a long claw, which successfully snapped her out of it.
Can Nikki join? Zara asked dragging teh girl behind her foward. Sure said Ellie looking at Nikki’s curvy but also skinny body an her long shiny magenta hair (Auothrs Note I know Nikki doesnt have magenta hair but like its a story!!! she died it ok?)
“Nikki?”
“Isn’t she retired? Which half-soaked bint is writing this trash?”
Nikki gigled shyly and waved at tem. Ellie pulled teh girls into teh room. Come on she said. lets have some fun. Ellie careesed Zara’s lether clad body while Dias delicate white hands ran all over nikki. Like omg this is awesome siad Nikki. Ur like so pretty. She ran her delicate yet strong hands trough dia’s ebony watefall. how are you so goergus an so powerful all at once?
“This story makes me sound like a sex-addled Mary Sue,” Diamond growled, twisting the fabric of her skirt in between her fingers.
“I mean… that last bit made some sense,” said Zara, scanning the paper from over Diamond’s shoulder. “It’s a pretty accurate description of a sparklepire… ow!”
Dia then put her her thing in (cause she has one haters) in nikkis u know what…
The real Diamond hurled the papers back at Zara and ran to the bathroom, gagging most impressively for someone who couldn’t throw up.
Zara skimmed the next paragraph and the hallway once again resounded with evil cackling.
Auothors Note! Do u like it so far? I like had to put in a my immortal refencd cause like tat’s the best fanfic ever written!!!1 i luv nikki and ellie and zara and dia so much! theyre so cool and sexy
((Actual Author’s Note: I’m sorry, Sergio. I really am. But EllieMae leaves no one untouched.))
nikki is sergios girlfriend she wuld not do diamond! but she is cool and sexy alright so i uderstand why diamond and zara wanted her. i do not agree but i give u a pass.
[Nah, I'm actually amused. Especially by the oxymoron between "curvy" and "skinny" - Nikki definitely tends towards the latter, since she derives from a CLAMP character. (There's a reason CLAMP's art style is nicknamed "noodle people") While at the PPC, she was actually somewhat underweight as a result of her years of wandering and the fact sitting down to have a proper meal as a PPC agent isn't that easy. And even to this day in TWWA, she's just a B cup (again fitting with the fact even the older versions of Sakura featured in Tsubasa Chronicle don't tend to be very endowed). So, yeah, not curvy at all XD]
Cause Nikki is hott and this is fanfic so I can do wat I want
((I had full body shivers trying to type that last line. But I’m glad you’re amused. Yeah, Zara is built in a similar way (not like the fic shows her as!). She’s my self insert after all and I have what’s politely called a runner’s build (ie: long legs, broad shoulders, and skinny). So I’m throwing my own characters horribly off the rails as well.))
It’s rude! Only Nazis criticize other people’s fanfiction!*
I hate you!!!
—lol
*((That is said solely to break Godwin’s Law.))
so u criticize too. dos it mean u just said ur a nazi or ur just an hippocrate?
((Checkmate :P. Looking forward to lolkitty's ridicolous way to weasel out of that, don't disappoint me XD.))
If Lemony is nice then I won’t criticize! You can only criticize if your bot nice!! If not your a nazi! But Im a Z!!
Besides, your a hippo-crite 2!!!
I hate you loser! Why do you care about cannon? Sergio Turbo cant right well either!!! You both suck!!
((lol is making no sense, as usual. Hope this lived up to expectations! ;)
—Ls))
My Immortal rox!! Bland Praise!”
((Uh, wow. I’m honestly not sure who’s thrown poor Nikki more OOC. Perhaps you could include one of my characters wait no, definitely not Mina she should never see this
Erm, anyway, I do like a good My Immortal reference. I don’t quite get the current events stuff, but I suspect it’s ‘cause I’m American. BTW, I’ll probably use one of your characters in the next chapter of Helena.
—Ls))
I dare say that, while both things are heavily OOC for her, randomly turning Nikki evil is worse than having her do occasional sex with random people - while it was after she dumped Sergio due to her emotional turmoil, she did get down and dirty with Syaoron during TWWA. And then we had last chapter, with the Sergio-Nikki-Ami triangle having basically turned into a Tenchi Solution of sorts.
Having Nikki be "evil" (quotation marks necessary as you didn't actually have her do much in the way of evil XD), instead, is a big character rupture - not only personality-wise, but as shown in TWWA, event the idea of lawfully killing enemy soldiers in battle doesn't sit well with her, and she even had second thoughts after killing irredeemable people like the pillaging soldiers near the beginning, and the bounty hunters that were after her in the last months of the Organization War (of which I heavily implied one was planning to rape her, and she was thirteen at the time - pretty much no one would have any regrets about caving his skull in, and yet she did). She's the most Lawful Good of my character, which Kurara somewhat correctly defined as her having the "soft heart of a little magical girl of love and justice."
Thank you for the Official Throwing Nikki Cherryflower the Most Out of Character Award. (OTNCMOCA)
It is now mine. Huzzah.
(Yeah, she wasn’t “evil”, so much as “the Sue didn’t like her”. For no reason. Therefore she’s a “prep”. Though I highly doubt she’d work for the MS...)
-Ls))
That was great! I loved it! Bland praise! I especially loved the shoutout to the Legendary Fic My Immortal!!
—lol
((Thank you for censoring that. I do not want to see what Zara is reading. Are you copying me? With the My Immortal reference?
Anyway, I actually did like that.))
Please tell me there’s a chapter two in the works, I NEED more of Zara reacting to badfic.
I liked every word of it. Nothing could possibly be improved. If you, or any person, wrote something, and you like it, it is absolutely wonderful.
—lol
((In actuality, it was quite amusing. Poor Diamond.))
Hajimemashite, Yuki-Chan desu~ I'm a fujoshi and yaoi rocks forever~ Dozo yoroshiku onegaishimasuuuuu <3
((Yes, this pains my qualified JLPT N2 heart, even if this was roughly how I acted back in the good old days))
I guess I didn't hit that s button hard enough. Oh well.
I forgot my old creds to get in, so I made a new accounr. Hope y'all don't mind.
The PPC is an interesting setting. I personally ship Matt with O'Ryan. Who cares if Kitryauthor thinks otherwise! Paye is clearly in love with Crow!
I'll have to find time to write, but I will write one story hehehehehehe!
Chau!
-KCILC
((Cringes at my intro. Hey y'all, I'm back for the games. Sorry for not being super active on the Board. College + some things I've vented about in the salt channel over there = limited time. But, I'm working on being better! First step: Badfic Games, at least.))
((Character-wise, feel free to use any of my agents except for Kittyauthor and David Null. The former because it's always been like that and she is a little too close to past!me (personality-wise) for me to be comfy with her being used in these games, the latter for personal reasons. Everyone else is fair game.))
((-kA, who is trying to juggle college, chaos, and a cowrite and failing.))
I’ll be sure to throw one of your characters into one of my badfics.))
Let's fix that. I'm lightfairy406, my stories tend to have Talking Head Syndrome but that's only bc actually describing scenes is hard. I'm trying to write more comedy fic lately! The PPC is a really fun and wacky setting and I want to lean into the absurdities it can produce! I have a lot of good ideas, or at least ideas that I personally think are good. Feedback is always welcome so long as it's legible and you don't talk to me like an english professor lmao.
Hello to all and sundry! I am ExtraRingwraith, a nerd and lover of Tolkien. I entend to write some stories here, provided I have time off from being an apprentice fiddler and scholar.
((This is TheBefuddledBookworm. I tried not to have the spelling be too bad because that just makes me cranky having to look at it.))
At least, when reviewing and in author’s notes. One of them.
—Ls gets it. Though “befiddlement” isn’t a word.))
School is starting, and in what remains of my free time, I have too many other projects to work on. I'm also hoping to watch the first two episodes of Rings of Power with my folks. They are finally out, and I intend to see if they've made a Glaurunging mess of them.
How does Preppy!Boadicea sound?))
Craziness is what the Badfic Games are about. Boadicea is a Terrarian warrior, and you know what, she might even look a little bit like a goth because of armour which is very good armour but looks like it belongs to a Dark Lord. She does not act like one, however. She is trying to do the right thing, even if she makes a hash of it. Feel free to ignore all that.))
I’m writing a My Immortal-style badfic. No characterization shall be spared!
—Ls))
Hi my name is Ivory Black’ness Lee. I’m not related 2 Amy Lee but I wish I was. I’m goffik an I live in Slytherin. I’m a vampire but my teeth are strait and white. I wear all-black ripped fishnets, and my hare is long and black with purple streak in it. I’m a PPC agent, and i live in hq. My RC is black and has a coffin. My CAD is black and has MCR lyrics on it.
One day it was raining and snowing. I saw Sergio Tirbo. (AN his name is Derpression now!)
“Hi,” he said Shyly. “My name used 2 be serfio but now its Depresssion.”
Then I heard my friends calling and I had to go.
An: is it gud? Plz tell me fangz! btw fangz 2 Willow 4 edinging!
((Yes, Ebony is now the one writing the fic. Don’t ask me how, she just is. By the way, please flame! I want Enoby to have something to complain about!
—Ls))
STFU* preps! Stup flamming! Fangz to willo 4 etidiinh! Draco yur da lave off my life u rok!11
I woke up the next dae and pit on a riipped goffik dress with fishnets it was blacj with pentagrams on it. It had slits lik in Mr & Mr Simth. (If u don now wat dat iz den screw u!111)
My roomate, Momaka, smiled at me gothically with her long black haire. “OMG I saw you talking 2 Depresssion yesterday!11”
She said. “Do u like hom?”
“No WAY! I said. “Y wud u fink dat?”
Just den Deception shwoed up. “Hey Ebony do u want 2 go 2 da concert wif me?..” he saud.
“I gaped.
*((Stop The Futile Urinating))
((I regret nothing.))
((Warning for violence))
Preps stup flamging! Fangz 2 da goffix 4 da gud revoiwz!!!1
CXXxXXXXXX
Well aneway I got dressd to go 2 da concert. I had on a ripped black dress with “66” on it and lots of bloody goffik pantagrams. I was wearing TONZ of black and wyest makeyo wif lotsof eyesgado.
Jus den....sum preps appeart3d!
“OMG ur scary “ said Jaycacia dat strupid prep. (I so h8 dat little preppping prep!!)
“Y wuts gong on,” dsaid Bodaecie, anovver prep.
Sodddenly...I attecked her suking all her blood.
“Noolo!!” she scremmed as sge died.
Jaycacia ran away like the stupid prep she was.
Any way, Discretion and Me went 2 da MCR concert. We moshed to DA Mus ik.
Then.....................
“Wut iz gong on u stupid goff#s!!”
It was......"......................"......…....
“Da Sumflower Official!!11
(C waz dat Stuptid?)
((Yes, it was))
Fangz 2 willow 4 di help! Preps stup glamming!111 Drico ur da luv ov muh life!111 u rox!!111
“OmG*” sad me n Deprivation gittikly. ?Y r u heer?”
“I heard dere was a goffik consert and I’m here 2 send all off u goffs 2 Azribabaikazaon!111” he corgied wif his blond, preppy hare. (I h8 dat Sumflowa!)
“NOOOoooOO!!!!” we scremed. “How dare u!”
Just den Nikki appearated. Only, it was Noy nikki, it was................................................................................................................................................Jaycacua! (Dey r rilly da sam purson)
“ONG!” She cangled. lU preps r gong to Azrikabaibkiazakinazian!”
Deviation n I ran back 2 r rc on r brums.
“OMH wutr we gonnnna do Drako??” I screamed deprezzedly.
“I usta dat Jaycaiac but now hes evil!!” Derision maimed. “But I LUV U Irony!111”
I put on a black top woth “Panik at da dizco” on it. I had a lot off whit makup on. My lips were coveered in blacl nail polish.
Just den...........................................................,.,..,.,.... a SOOOPER Hot goffik guy shwoed up. “Hi, He said I’m.............
Dafid Ilian!1111111”
2 b conitnued!11@wrf1!
*((Orlando, my Greenness))
AN: Preps stup gfaming! Nikki is nut rilly jakaia ok! Dat wuz a mistak! Fangz 2 Willow 4 etiding!!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
“Dafid Ilian?!?!” Detonation n I gosped. “Wut?”
“Yeah,” he sad. “I’, goffik now. Du yu want to join muh bnad, Goffik6Teerz6Bloody6?!...
“Ya!” I shooted.
“Derivation wanted not to jiln, so he went to his ruum 2 b derprezzed.
“OMG ur so kull!” I sed. “U killed al dose EVIl Suez!”
“Famgz,” he said goffitly.
We went goffikally 2 da bnad ruum. Only...............Nikki FlowerCherry was dere!!111
“OMGoth wgat re u dong heet prep!” I shooted.
“U suck!” She said. “I h8 u goffs bcz I’m a prep!11
Den.....................................David drew out a gun and stabbed her in da heart!11
“No.... she said, dyeing.
“Lol dat was kawaaai!11” I dais goffiky.
Well aneway Meena nd Carliol wer in da band 2. Coralla waz der 2.
Mona had on a darh gray dress wif pink fishnets and lotz of pintograms. So did Carlyle. Corolla wax wwearing blak combat boots.
“OmG!” said Miine. “Irovy ur so hawt!11”
“Famgz,” I said gofthic y.
“Ya!l added corolla engreticly lethricagilly!
We practiced MCr covers 4 for hours. Isn’t gerard hot!!
Den................................A old guy on a brum shooed up!1111
Omg a Cliffy!
((My brain. Ow.))
STU!!!!11 Preps STUP FLAMING!!! I dnot car wut u fink. So SHOT UP!111 btw fangz 2 willo 4 etidin gurl u roc lol
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
“Enony.......Irovy.....” he said evilly. He had Dark robs and high heels and everying (kinda like da Mysteryios Sumbody.)
It was......................Da mystryious Sumbody!!!
I scremed. “What is it Ivory?” saud Dafid n Srgieo all selective.
“Ivony,” the mysteruois somebony whiped. “Thou must Destroyested VamDafid!! If u do nout then I shal, kil Delegation!11”
“Nooooooooooo!!!” I screamed.
Darth Valer floo out the windo calking evillli.
“OmG what do I do!” I weept.
Just den.,.....................................Nikki appeated!
“ Guess waht I wasn’t ded!” she said preppily.
Then.........Devotion killed her with magic. “I want 2 join da bad” he said.
“Ok said Minnie n Calile n Dereliction n Dafyd( his name is Nightmare now).
An: See, dat waznt strupid!
Im nut Lolkitykign33!!Stup glaming!!11 Wollo whars goingv on-- Crollo is a PREP!! Dis iz Muh Stury I SUCK!!?
Ivry ur so sxsey" saod NIGHTmare. Den.....we strayed frenchikng pasivelu.
I was wearingv a leather corset, leather undies, nd a blak tether top. Thry weted all black wif blody pintigrams.
Just den a gofik old man wif a lung black bread (he ws rly A poser) aparated. " O hi guys" he said. We gasped. It wad Du Sumflower Officially!!!11
"wut r u dong" he esked.
"go saway u posr we yeled.
"I bebef wanted 2 b goff anewae!!" he shooted.
Decomposition was rlly truned in by Nightmire an I kossinv so he joined in.
"Bey gues wat???" said Cprllora. "I m actualy a PREP I killed Minna abd Carlise (swho was was actualyh Sadnes). And Momoko!11$$$$ And I ressurtceted Niki!!"
Da Mysterios Sumbody ran in on a brum. "btw der my .minions. " he expostulated.
I grabbed my knife whixh Destruction had given me
"Avasde Kadaver!!!111$" I shooted, And da preps dyes frum da balets. "Noool!!!" screaamed Corola. She was da bigest prep.
I was so exaggerated ! All thed preps wete gone!!
THE END
((Dunno if you wanna inclue this, Sergio, but here it is.))
((Warning: Self-Harm))
An: I know i said its de end but its not Willo U suck!!! Prep s stup flamingming!m11
CXXXXXXxX. xXXXXx
“Nightmare u know I luved Disco!” I scremed. Den I ran away 2 my bvlak rum. It had purple bloody pentergrams.
I tok of my cloves and got in da bath. I read a derprezzinbook while cryong bloody teerz goffikly. I slit my wrist an drank da bllody. I gut ot off da bath n used a towl to change into a gottik black low-smut dresss.
OMG” Iexplained.
Because...................................................Thalie an Jayacaiya were spying on me! They wer in my RX!11q1
“Get out u preps I yieled evilly.
“We no how 2 black mail yu!” Jaycaya sayed preppily.
“Cruitatuas!111” I yielded. (Ivony is frum da potterverse) But da spell didnt hit. Instead it hit..............Carlile!!111
“Get out off my RC u pevrs!” I yelled Violetly.
“No war!” Yeiled Thila. “Ur 2 hot!11q”
“No, Irocy, u dont undertsand!” Crialise yielded. “Crolloa is gonna tak overda skull(geddit?)?!”
But I was 2 upster. “I used a bloody steak to rub over my chest!111”
AN: Ivoy is nut a Maru Su! Ger name is Itody!!11
((Sorry, Scarlett. And Sergio. And...spelling.))
PrepssOp faming!!!!1 I dno car wha u fink so der!1 Fangz2 Bloody mary 4 da halp!!!!
"Getout peps!" yieled anrily.
"Ivony udot undersa!!" Carlisle (his name isnow Corpse ( like vampe lo u rok) and alsohes sicksten is not ceeyok)) "I LOVE YOU!!!111"
Omg i said. "Rallyh, corpse?
"NT POSSIBLE!!111" shooted Boadecia who was here to. "thee mustbe other factors!!
Nikki appered. "Yoj will submit totheMuystous sumbodb. Then hewll kil all!!?:THEB THEbarm lad will never die!! shd accelerated
Detention appeardd. "Cruella!!! " heyoild. Niiki died again.
Jayacacia and Britne ran away preppily.
"That was close," said Designation. Ill go find Mightnare.
Minna cam."OMGz i fought u were ded, " I sad flirtingly as i began tosob.
She"s not eaf;": said Copse. "Shez my partnet Idno"
"Let's et u dressedfor yor triple dat wih Denigration Nigmar nCoffee. " sh said goffly.
Ok " I said glumly. I put on a black tod with red leggings and apink wmini (not lik thatmini lol) with rippd balck fishnets.My nails wer blac wh prumple pinigrads. Mymakeu was wghit and goff.
"lol grl u look kawai," said Momok wowasnt ead either.
Den...................
................. ..
.
.. .........................Profesor Makesthings appeared!111
(C dat ws rllyh god)
Well dis is da final chapter. I cant fink off anyfing 2 say say but preps stpo Flaming!! Fangz 4 da help B’loody Mary n Willo! Draco n Vrompire u guy r so smexy! Proffesor Troveolry rox! So do all da otter goffs. Preps lik Albert n Rumbrigd n Voldemprt (I h8 dem) suck! Screw u!!
“Lord Makesthings ?” I gosped. “Wut r u dong heer?”
He had on a black panic? At da dizcko cocert tee and black pants. He looked exactly like Joel Madden.
“Ivorry” King Makesthingz said gofficly. “U need 2 go back in tim 2 defeet da Mistroyois Sumbody!!111”
“Oh,” I said saxily. “Hez already ded.”
“Oh ok good,” Emporor makesthings said. den he left.
Den...Nilki an Coroll appeRed!11 They were both wearing preppy pink Hilary ClinDuff Consert Shrits. They looked exactly like Lindsay Loan.
“Haha yeileded Nikki. “I hath killded Corpses!!11”
Just then I noticed something....They were holding the SO cuptive!11
“Help me!111” he said.
I knew what I had 2 do. I garbbed my wand. “Allah Cadevar!” I crooned menacicingly.
Nikki n Corolla died. I was so exibited! I’d gotten rid of da preps!
“OmG!” said Momanka! “That was so cool n sacly n everfing!11”
XXXXzx XXXXX XXXX
We went to the MCR concert. Minna n Disintegration n Nightmsre and# Makethings n Momnake were there.
“Omg!” I said. “Geteard is SOOO saxy!”
Every1 agreed. We had a gr8 tim.
Da End
((Sergio, you may kill the Sue. —Ls))
“So, we’re here.” Sergio said as he stopped by at Corolla’s messy workbench. “You said it is bad?”
Corolla tossed the CAD she was working on in a bin and sat on the only empty corner of the workbench. “Of course it is bad! I would not have bothered the two of you otherwise!”
“I understand, but...” Nikki crossed her arms. “We’ve been retired for ages, and I’m sure there’s plenty of good Agents around right now.”
“That is true, but I’m sure you’ll agree with me that this one is a personal matter!”
Corolla opened a holographic window, and showed them the badfic report.
“A My Immortal ripoff.” Sergio didn’t sound impressed. “They’re a dime in a dozen, Corolla. And they are so uninspired, even Keiko could handle such a weak Suvian or Wraith. And she’s three.”
“I would actually be very glad if she will never have to deal with anything PPC related, though.” Nikki added.
“So would I.” Sergio agreed. “That’s why we... wait, what?”
Nikki leaned in. “What’s the matter, Sergio...? Oh. Oh.”
“Yup. This is about us, guys. Somehow, we struck a Suvian’s fancy. Like Momoka, Mina, Carlisle, and for some reason Dafydd who’s been retired since before we were hired, and the Mysterious Somebody who’s been ousted when Dafydd was a rookie, at least according to what Arumi told me.”
She summoned Sergio’s old shotgun from her dimensional pocket, and tossed it to him. “Come on, we’ve got work to do. This one committed the most heinous crime ever.”
Nikki raised an eyebrow. “And that would be?”
“Getting in the way of the two of you being together.”
Ivory Black’ness Lee couldn’t believe her eyes. As much as she liked seeing the two preps - Corolla and Nikki - get killed by... themselves? The second Sergio had just killed Disconnection. She would kill those prepz, but her limbs were blocked by weird glowing blue rings
“I thought I was done killing evil clones of myself!” the surviving Nikki shouted - the one who wasn’t wearing the Hilary Duff t-shirt - as she took her lightsaber out of Prep Nikki’s chest.
Brown-haired Sergio reloaded his shotgun, and fired a last round into black-haired Sergio. “Yeah, this is getting ridiculous. At least I’m glad our streaking Corolla clone over there has a featureless body”.
“Well, actually...” clothed Corolla said as she stood over the half-naked, gasping Corolla. “I’m really like that. Y’know, as an asexual with no reproductive capabilites whatsoever having naughty bits is a waste of programming space.”
Naked Corolla went limp. “I’m gonna nick her boots, by the way. It’s kinda hard to find good sturdy boots my size, and having spares for when we have yet another acid spill is good.”
Brown-haired Sergio walked over to Ivory. “I’m flattered that you seem to like me, but I’m kinda taken already. See the girl over there, the one you slandered all the way through? She’s the farthest thing to a ‘prep’ I’ve ever seen, I married her, and we even have a kid. And I don't take kindly to people trying to kill her off.”
“OMG no.”
“And, by the way, I’m not really a My Chemical Romance fan. I’m more of a Sabaton guy.”
“OMG NO!”
“Ivory Black’ness Lee, I am Agent Corolla of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. You are thereby charged with trying to break up my favorite couple here. The sentence is death, no last wishes, no last words, nothing.”
Brown-haired Sergio raised an eyebrow. “Shouldn’t you charge her for the rest too? Creating OOC clones of PPC Agents, copycatting a Legendary badfic, atrocious spelling, the like?”
“Trying to break up my favourite couple is already worthy the capital punishment.”
As a non native speaker, SergioTurbo is past the limity of his ability to parse the bad grammar. lightning4evah, on the other hand, likely either stopped caring or foung something else shiny to follow.
((Minna is the informal word for "everyone" and "shiku shiku" an onomatopoeia for sobbing))
I don't know how the external report got into DoSAT's inbox instead of Intel's, but maybe they just didn't want to deal with the atrocious spelling. Still better than that of the fic itself.
So... let's see. Clearly a copycat of My Immortal, that's alright, they're a dime in a dozen. Published under an alias that is actually the name of My Immortals protagonist, even! And on that it ticks all the boxes. "Goffs", "prepz", My Chemical Romance concerts happening where they shouldn't. In this case, HQ, I believe?
This is the main problem. It is about us. Well, an odd mix of us. There's Dafydd, who would really appreciate not being dragged out of his retirement in New Cal. Then, Mina and Carlisle. I'm really sure the Carlisle I know would never let himself be dragged into a rock cover band. And then the Mysterious Somebody, who has been dealt with so long ago that of my friends only Arumi was around back then. Except he's also Darth Vader? Boy, a mangled Mysterious Somebody in a Vader suit is stuff of nightmares.
By the way, "Ebony" or lolkittyking33 (keep the facade up if you want - I've tracked down the posts and they were typed on the very same device), I'm flattered you want me in your band but... er... lightning4evah is right. My singing is not really pleasant.
But the worst thing is, Ivory set her sights on my best friend. Boy how much she's getting wrong about him - listening to MCR? Performing magic? Girl, the day Sergio actually manages to cast a spell Hell will freeze over. And setting up Nikki as a "prep"... yeah, her. One of the nicest girls you can find out there, who has had second thoughts after killing the bounty hunters that were trying to bring her in dead or alive. And then you have Sergio kill her. Last straw, girl. Last straw. it's personal now. Playing the "bash, kill and steal" ploy to get rid of the canon love interest to steal the hottie is already bad enough, but you did that to my favourite couple and best friends. This utter trainwreck of a story may be yours, but the characters aren't - and now you're going to kiss them all goodbye. it's been a long time since I was on SpecOps, but I still have my kill list, and Ivory is the next name on it.
Corolla, DoSAT technician, absolutely not amused.
[Corolla is not supposed to directly address badfic writers as that is not PPC policy. Corolla is also very protective of her friends so in this case she doesn't care one bit about policies. She's going to get Ivory's scalp, and make sure her author knows it. There can be a surprisingly big amount of resentment in that small girl.
If you don't mind, Lindstar, I'd like the "part two" of this to be a "mission snippet" of sorts, a single scene with my classic trio commenting on the mess as they do the cleanup. Will likely involve Sergio and Nikki complaining about having to get rid of clones of them agan. Oh, BTW, I finally got around to reading your spinoff and it got me a few laughs. Good on you!]
I love this report!
Yeah, there’s no way Carlisle’d be in a rock band, in his first appearance he specifically didn’t want to perform. I can see Mina doing it (badly), though. Technically, Corolla wasn’t in the band, she “there too.” And she was only specified as wearing boots...
I do feel bad for Sergio, Nikki, and Corolla.
Thanks for reading. ; )
Hmm...what’re the chances that lolkittyking33’ll see this and try to write a revenge fic? How would you feel about that?
—Ls))
BTW, I'm actually waiting until "ebony" runs out of steam (AKA you decide you had enough fun!) before doing the "mission snippet", so I'm actually counting anything that happens in any chapter.
Take it as Corolla needing time to convince Sergio and Nikki to help her with the takedown, and the latter two then needing some time to get someone to babysit Keiko (three years old as of 2022 HST) while they deal with the trainwreck, with that being enough time for "Ebony" to finish her story.
Oh, and about fake Corolla wearing only boots... well, luckily for the real one there wasn't really anything naughty to be seen. Corolla is a Unison Device - basically a sentient technomagical construct in humanoid shape. As they are artifically created, Unison Device are implied to have no reproductive ability (it wouldn't even fit with their purpose, which is boosting their master's combat strength by temporarily fusing with them), and with Corolla being actually asexual to her having naughty bits programmed in any of her forms is a "waste of data space for features I wouldn't even use".
There probably will be a few more chapters (tim travel, anyone?) before I finish. I know it said “The end”, but....nah.
I did in fact know that Corolla was a Unison Device, and I can say that the rest is rather relieving.
if u were really writgn sergio he wud've killed dafydd befor he shooted because he will protect nikki against anything! you didnt even read wigns of cnon did u? u even added corolla to the band! she cannot sing it is canon.
u got right tht sergio wudn't join the bad i wil give u. but u still gettign reported. i know real corolla ill have ur story ppcd.
[I guess the "I'm preporting you" "No, I am reporting you" war has officially begun XD]
‘Cause she’s a terrible person! Infact, nikki will come back 2 life so Sergio can kill him. Corolla is a signer! i don’tcare about cannon, this is MY StOry!!
BTW that was Ebony not me.
But anyway, I’m so preporting you! Admin, kick her of the site!!
—lol
u said im flaming than im showing yuo how i rilly flame like!
your writing a gross self-insert stiling sergio from nikki! thier is tru loe u must not interfere! nikki cant be vil she dosn't even want to kill baddies (whic shuld totally die their evil)! why is draco there in a stupid, unsensical crossover?
an sergio would never go to a mcr concert he likes iron maiden and nightwish! they rock an mcr suck! this sotry also sucks and you suck too!
[Again, our WoC fangirl still got things somewhat wrong (but still more right than the Ebony impersonator) As mentioned in Chapter 2 of Blank Sprite, while Sergio does like istening to metal while driving, and mentions songs from the groups lightning4evah mentioned, that actually took Nikki by suprised as he prefers Italian singers (mostly Ligabue and Max Pezzali, for the record) or songs from anime series for more relazed listening in his free time.
BTW, if Linstar doesn't mind I'm kinda half-planning to make a small interlude starring my classic trio in which Corolla mentions havign indeed received a report from lightning4evah about this fic, and have Sergio and Nikki react ot it. They'll be very, very horrified by it.]
Besides I only pistong 4 Enony! I’m not hur!
((Please do! I’ll probably throw Corolla in in the next chapter, but...please write that! And maybe Carlisle and Mina could be there too...?))
[You see, I'm yet to catch up with the more recent spinoffs, and I'm afraid I haven't started yours yet. Besides, I'm always quite uncomfortable using other people's characters unsupervised, and at the moment I'm not really in the mood of doing a collaboration/cowrite since I'm currently a bit busy.]
But if you do read it, I’d be very flattered.
By the way, “usign”. D’you think the Italian “gn” makes you more likely to type that for the English “ng”?
—Ls))
The truth is, I have an habit of trying to type very quickly with just my indexes, which means that sometimes I end up overlapping keystrokes that pass from one finger to the other. I use my right index to hit the "I" and the "N", but the left to hit the "G". It's particularly bad with "going" as I start with a left index stroke, then three right, and last one left on the same key as the first, but it happens on other words as well - case in point, I had to go back and correct "stroke" as I actually wrote "storke", again at a "finger switch".
Years of writing stories and going through Windows Messenger, MSN Messenger, Skype and Discord led me to try to type as quickly as possible, but I never bothered to actually learn proper typing so that's the result XD If it wasn't for Doctorlit, many of those typos would also leak into my published stuff, as I'm not really a very attentive re-reader.
who is deception? and whos discretion? i hope sergio isn't chnging his name evry chapter.
also if it him he must not be with ivory. that wuld be too wrong sergios sulmate is nikki u must understand!
[Fun fact: while I'm actually against the concept of soulmates, as it goes against my "screw destiny carve your own path" approach to storytelling, the character Nikki is a badfic copy of, Sakura Kinomoto, is actually canonically in a soulmate pair with Syaoran Li. It wouldn't be too farfetched for someone who Missed The Point believe that the soulmates thing applies to Sergio and Nikki too. -SergioTurbo]
Don’t you know that only compliments are acceptable? By criticizing me, your demeaning myself worth. Stop. It.
No flaming. Period!
“Soulmates” is a stupid concept, and anyone who believes in it is a loser.
Stop criticizing my the speling! You know who Decristion is!
BTW Nikki sucks!
—lol, on behalve of Ebony
how is cunfusion flaming? i'm more confuzed now.
only thing I said wasnt ok was sergio not beign with nikki in ur story (because u are ebony rigyt?). i did not decvide their tgether thats how it is.
nikki dosnt suck she is cool! i wish i was her lol so strong an shes with sergio!
[And yes, I guess lightning4evah is a fangirl of Blank Sprite/TWWA. The "OMG they're so cute together" kind who shipped Sergio and Nikki together, though.]
I was just posting 4 her! Btw Nikki is gonna git killed of bc she SUUUCKs!!!11@wq1!
—lol
((He’s totally the one pretending to be Eboby))
if you dont like all of wigns of canon charas then your not a wigns of canon fan! whch means your not allowed to write fics abut them! Ur gonna get reported if you kill nikki im gettgn you banned!
sergioxnikki forevar and evar!
[And that's it. The confused fangirl is now an angry fangirl XD Fun fact, back when Mai Dire Fine, the actual fanfiction both Sergio and Nikki originated in, was being written, one of my co-authors did proclaim herself as "SergioXNikki". Well, technically "SergioXSakura", since she hadn't split off from th canon character yet, and Luna definitely had a much better grasp of spelling than lightning4evah...]
Nikki sucks! Im gonna kill her of! Screw YU!!
((I, in actuality, have nothing against Nikki whatsoever.))
[Bashing-and-killing is standard badfic M.O. when you want to get a love interest out of the way so your OC can take away the relevant hottie XD It wouldn't be a proper My Immortal pastiche if you didn't.]
who is this helena gal if the progatonist is ivory'? why sergio cahnged hdi name? he's not depressedd he's angery for his dead palz. and this story has nothing happenin at all.
i'm so confused i understand nufing at all.
[SergioTurbo here. I just had to comment... and some of these typos are actually genuine. I do tend to missspell "going" as "goign" horrendously often.]
Also, since a few other people seem to be granting permission for all inspired to use their agents here, I’ll follow suit. The following characters of mine are available to contort at your pleasure: -Miguel Correa (and his Pokémon; a Cyndaquil and Kitty the Persian). Has Celebi powers, including but not limited to time travel and plant revitalization —Diane Correa, Miguel’s mother. Might have latent Celebi powers, might not -Palmeira Citrine -Ami Seeker -assorted mini-Missingno
But this is the Badfic Game. I don't have to be! (I will take a gander through the wiki to check them out, though.)
--Ls))
Like whe did he rename himself derpression? Thats so dumb. Im tots depressed too but like ew. thats such a bad name.
((Scarlett is deeply sorry and wishes that this wasn’t such an accurate depiction of their thirteen year old self. However they would like to mention that their SPaG was a bit better. Scarlett will stop talking about themselves in third person now.))
Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean you can criticize it in any way. Nobody likes criticism, so don’t do it. Only compliments are acceptable.
Ebony, I like the detail about the CAD. It’s clever and creative!
((This is not an accurate depiction of Linstar’s 13-year-old self.))
but all the agents in my roster – that would be the Four Demonly Kings (Kaguya, Momoka, Urato, Inasuke) and the Fairy Godfathers (Helena, Sheen, Fáelán) – are all open for use in this event. I'd like to see what wacky antics are in store for them
ETA: The Heian AU counterparts of the Demonly Kings available at the time of this writing (Momoka hasn't appeared yet) are also open for use, but))
That is, Mina, Carlisle, and I guess maybe Tyop, Self-Insert, and Alberta.
Yuki, I’ll definitely find some way to work one of your agents in.
—Ls
So... I'm not sure I'm actually going to take part in the Games myself (I'm... not sure I actually ever did aside from commenting!), but I wanted to clarify that, despite the fact I don't really have much in the way of active agents ATM, I still qualify as active so my characters are actually all available! Even those from TWWA.
Sure, Sergio and Nikki retired ages ago. Ami was never an agent. But what kind of self-respecting badfic author cares about continuity? If you want to use them, do your worst. Just stay clear of Kathleen, Faith and Virgilia - those characters are actually Aelit's, not mine.
((But I had to borrow Nikki for this))
That being pretty much an actual badfic, the way she was resurrected was of course not the one that had been previously stated to be the only way to save someone who had touched the cursed treasure that caused her temporary death.
And then she had two close brushes with death - one time a plothole saved her from the crash and explosion of the helicopter she was traveling on, and then there's her crash in TWWA. It reached the point where the character themselves have started joking that every time the Reaper comes for her, she just flat-out tells him no.
After all, what character of mine fits best to PPC Badfics than the former Self insert gary Stu with a past full of angst potential?
Instead, he’s now the (renamed) Draco Malfoy equivalent in a PPC version of My Immortal. Don’t worry, he’ll be 111% OOC!
I am so sorry.
—Ls))
Like omigod Im so happy I can do this again!!!!!1 I have lots of new storys for u guys!!!! I think I like finally got these hackers of my account so I can right in peace witout being bullied. I don’t write Mary Sues!!! Ellie Mae Rosebud is not a Sue so f right off if u think she is!1 I tots like wirting about romance (and like smut teehee) and fantasfical andvengures!!: like teh lord of teh rings!
((That is: Zara, Diamond, Thalia, Doom, and Meg. All of them have wiki pages (check Meg Sathanas for Meg’s as there was another Agent Meg) for reference.))
“Mary Sue” is just a term jealous sexists use to criticize those brave enough to write! I’m sure Ellie Mae is great!
The Sues that the PPC hunts are completely different! They’re just silly monsters.
—lolkittyking33
((Reading that post made me die inside. Thanks for that. - Damian))
It plagiarized me! Look! Though I do like what it did with Dafid. ;)
—lol
So does anyone remember me? I was here back when FanficVerse was FanficLand—ah, the good old days! Anyway, I wrote Stangest Love back 2004. I’d like to think I’ve improved since then lol. Here’s my recent Glooming (it’s by a PPC writer!!) fic, the glooming rise of edward. More PPC stuff soon!
Remember, the only bad writing is unwritten writing!!!
—lolkittyking33
((Does not melt in despair
Yay! Badfic games! —Ls))
“The only bad writing is unwritten writing. However, there are many bad readers.”
—lolkittyking33