Subject: More Concrit, not a Permissions person at all.
Author:
Posted on: 2012-08-26 18:17:00 UTC

From my reading so far, it seems that your writing style needs to be unpacked. In the prelude, things seem to happen very quickly without Agent Anebrin showing a lot of reaction or describing much action.

For example, "I see that the Agents sent me another badfic recruit without coming here themselves, said the Flower. The elf just groaned." It seems like it should generate some level of confusion in your agent, having fallen through a plothole. He never does seem to go through the classic "Where am I and how did I get here?" phase of adjusting to the situation.

Another part: "“Ow, my head,” he said." This just seems flat and emotionless, probably because of the use of the word "said" instead of "moaned" or something like that. Also, you haven't mentioned: is he squinting around, clutching his head? The actions you describe are a little bit generic and don't serve to characterize your character. Fixing that would be a major improvement.

"Your name? demanded the Flower.
“Anebrin,” said the elf weakly. He looked up and recoiled. It was obvious that he was shocked by the Marquis’s appearance." This bit, especially the last sentence, falls under show, don't tell. It would have been better if he "recoiled in shock" or if you'd shown his thoughts i.e., What is a giant sunflower doing here? I must have hit my head harder than I thought, but the way you've presented it (and the rest) it seems less like the characters are living it than that it's being summarized by a bored observer.

I do, however, like how you recruited the world-one agent.

Anyways, that's my two cents. Hope it's helpful.

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