Subject: I have to say...
Author:
Posted on: 2012-08-26 11:08:00 UTC

while your character concepts do spark a little interest in me, the writing sample is extremely bland. There's no sense of emotion in it; it reads like someone just watching the events and reporting them in very uninteresting prose. For example:

"Ouch," he and the elf said as they were pelted by the round, hard vegetables. They got up, dusted themselves, and went onwards.

Someone accidentally setting a cartful of cabbages loose could be good slapstick comedy. However, like this it reads more like the cabbages were being actively thrown at them - and unless the cart was much taller than the two people, the cabbages would roll out and hit them on the legs at worst. Also, nobody I can think of would ever just say "Ouch," if a cabbage hit them at high speed, and then get up and leave.

The rest of the writing sample reads similarly - nobody ever seems shocked, amused, or emotionally affected by anything. Just because the narration says they are doesn't mean we get that sense. One of the most necessary writing concepts is "show, don't tell", and I think you need some practice with the idea.

So I'm sorry, but as a PG I personally am going to have to say Permission Denied for now. You're more than welcome to work on your writing skills and try again in the future, though, and I do look forwards to seeing it.

Reply Return to messages