More Concrit, not a Permissions person at all. by
Sevenswans
on 2012-08-26 18:17:00 UTC
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From my reading so far, it seems that your writing style needs to be unpacked. In the prelude, things seem to happen very quickly without Agent Anebrin showing a lot of reaction or describing much action.
For example, "I see that the Agents sent me another badfic recruit without coming here themselves, said the Flower. The elf just groaned." It seems like it should generate some level of confusion in your agent, having fallen through a plothole. He never does seem to go through the classic "Where am I and how did I get here?" phase of adjusting to the situation.
Another part: "“Ow, my head,” he said." This just seems flat and emotionless, probably because of the use of the word "said" instead of "moaned" or something like that. Also, you haven't mentioned: is he squinting around, clutching his head? The actions you describe are a little bit generic and don't serve to characterize your character. Fixing that would be a major improvement.
"Your name? demanded the Flower.
“Anebrin,” said the elf weakly. He looked up and recoiled. It was obvious that he was shocked by the Marquis’s appearance." This bit, especially the last sentence, falls under show, don't tell. It would have been better if he "recoiled in shock" or if you'd shown his thoughts i.e., What is a giant sunflower doing here? I must have hit my head harder than I thought, but the way you've presented it (and the rest) it seems less like the characters are living it than that it's being summarized by a bored observer.
I do, however, like how you recruited the world-one agent.
Anyways, that's my two cents. Hope it's helpful.
Concrit by
TheMadHatteress
on 2012-08-26 14:38:00 UTC
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Your writing, though you have some excellent ideas, is rather stiff. I think the problem is that you are doing a lot of telling and not nearly enough showing. You describe Anebrin's journey from the Marquis de Sod's office in less than a paragraph when it could easily take up two. You have to tell us how your characters feel. What thoughts are racing through their heads?
Also something to think about: The Flowers, to my knowledge, usually don't partner two newbies together.
I have to say... by
Cassie
on 2012-08-26 11:08:00 UTC
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while your character concepts do spark a little interest in me, the writing sample is extremely bland. There's no sense of emotion in it; it reads like someone just watching the events and reporting them in very uninteresting prose. For example:
"Ouch," he and the elf said as they were pelted by the round, hard vegetables. They got up, dusted themselves, and went onwards.
Someone accidentally setting a cartful of cabbages loose could be good slapstick comedy. However, like this it reads more like the cabbages were being actively thrown at them - and unless the cart was much taller than the two people, the cabbages would roll out and hit them on the legs at worst. Also, nobody I can think of would ever just say "Ouch," if a cabbage hit them at high speed, and then get up and leave.
The rest of the writing sample reads similarly - nobody ever seems shocked, amused, or emotionally affected by anything. Just because the narration says they are doesn't mean we get that sense. One of the most necessary writing concepts is "show, don't tell", and I think you need some practice with the idea.
So I'm sorry, but as a PG I personally am going to have to say Permission Denied for now. You're more than welcome to work on your writing skills and try again in the future, though, and I do look forwards to seeing it.
Not a PG, but... by
Lilac Lielac
on 2012-08-26 01:58:00 UTC
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Eeh. I like the jokes you put in (The Marquis de Sod sending Anebrin off without asking if he'd actually been recruited, the log2 thing, the "Press Me"), but your prose is dry, after those first few jokes it dries up, and it repeats a few sentence structures over again. That's a sure way to bore your readers, and boring missions aren't good missions. By the time I got to the cabbage bit, which could have been funny and I thought it would have been when you were talking about it, it was just desert-dry, desert-beige prose. You have to describe what it feels like to be pelted, not say (and I quote)
“Ouch,” he and the elf said as they were pelted by the round, hard vegetables. They got up, dusted themselves, and went onwards.
That's just... bleck. It doesn't count. To give in to the metaphors of how I 'sense' certain kinds of writing, your Word World is covered in a layer of dust and I can't see anything but the basic shapes even with my glasses on.
In addition, I have a problem with the idea of you, personally, having Permission. How I understand it is that Permission gives those with Permission to say "I am the PPC", and... well. I don't want someone who thinks evolution is a theory -- who thinks proof of it can be waved away with "That's your view of reality, mine is different" -- I don't want someone as the face of the PPC who thinks he can deny scientific theories to be true. (Scientific theories as opposed to layman's theories, which are more properly hypotheses.) I don't like the idea of you having Permission when from what I've heard you cocoon yourself in "I reject your reality and substitute my own!". That's only funny as a Mythbusters reference, not a serious way of thinking.
Hum... by
Ellipsis Flood
on 2012-08-26 01:38:00 UTC
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Writing sample: I told you about the problems I have with your writing. Namely that it's wooden and that you seem to lack the ability to read (and thus write) between the lines. I miss the lightheartedness and the casual fun that is the PPC in this thing. And the worst thing is that I can't even pinpoint what is causing the dryness in your writing.
Agents: Anebrin is a random elf. Is there anything that sets Wesnoth elves apart from others? Des, on the other hand, as you describe him there, sounds annoying. Also, he's still way too nonchalant about the whole "portal to HQ" thing.
My two cents: Practice your writing. Write things just for the lulz and throw them into the IRC, or on the board, for concrit. Learn to read/write between the lines, find a way to sound more dynamic.
PS: When I said you got better, I still meant that. It's just that better doesn't equal good.