Subject: About the two-newbye partnering. (nm)
Author:
Posted on: 2012-08-26 14:41:00 UTC
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Permission Request, Once Again by
on 2012-08-26 01:06:00 UTC
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Well, after much toil, I think that I am ready to request Permission again. I think. Gods above, I'm shaking. Brr.
A sample of my writing can be found here.
Very, very, very bad badfic to spork. (It's rated M and is NSFW.)
Agents:
Anebrin
Anebrin is an Irdiyan elf, hailing from the continuum of The Battle for Wesnoth. He arrived in HQ via plot-hole after something incredibly improbable happened to him. Unfortunately for him, he fell into the Marquis de Sod's office, and the Marquis thought he was a new recruit. So he put him in the Department of Floaters.
Since he was practically a bit in his home continuum, he looks like a generic Elvish Fighter. His personality is rather like that of an introverted human – he prefers being by himself. He usually isn't chatty, but he is prone to making odd remakes.
Des
Des is a teenager from World One. He inadvertently volunteered to active PPC service and ended as Anebrin's partner. He looks like this, and usually wears a black longcoat over a green polo shirt and black cargo pants. Personality-wise, he's odd. He looks at the world from a different angle to anyone else – he talks to himself, suddenly laughs for no reason, says odd things – but there is logic in his apparent dis-coherency. It's not clear to most people. He also hates illogic with a passion; he'll probably find sporking very fulfilling. -
More Concrit, not a Permissions person at all. by
on 2012-08-26 18:17:00 UTC
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From my reading so far, it seems that your writing style needs to be unpacked. In the prelude, things seem to happen very quickly without Agent Anebrin showing a lot of reaction or describing much action.
For example, "I see that the Agents sent me another badfic recruit without coming here themselves, said the Flower. The elf just groaned." It seems like it should generate some level of confusion in your agent, having fallen through a plothole. He never does seem to go through the classic "Where am I and how did I get here?" phase of adjusting to the situation.
Another part: "“Ow, my head,” he said." This just seems flat and emotionless, probably because of the use of the word "said" instead of "moaned" or something like that. Also, you haven't mentioned: is he squinting around, clutching his head? The actions you describe are a little bit generic and don't serve to characterize your character. Fixing that would be a major improvement.
"Your name? demanded the Flower.
“Anebrin,” said the elf weakly. He looked up and recoiled. It was obvious that he was shocked by the Marquis’s appearance." This bit, especially the last sentence, falls under show, don't tell. It would have been better if he "recoiled in shock" or if you'd shown his thoughts i.e., What is a giant sunflower doing here? I must have hit my head harder than I thought, but the way you've presented it (and the rest) it seems less like the characters are living it than that it's being summarized by a bored observer.
I do, however, like how you recruited the world-one agent.
Anyways, that's my two cents. Hope it's helpful. -
Sorry about that format issue. (nm) by
on 2012-08-26 18:18:00 UTC
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That is of no concern. Thanks for the concrit. (nm) by
on 2012-08-27 12:48:00 UTC
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Concrit by
on 2012-08-26 14:38:00 UTC
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Your writing, though you have some excellent ideas, is rather stiff. I think the problem is that you are doing a lot of telling and not nearly enough showing. You describe Anebrin's journey from the Marquis de Sod's office in less than a paragraph when it could easily take up two. You have to tell us how your characters feel. What thoughts are racing through their heads?
Also something to think about: The Flowers, to my knowledge, usually don't partner two newbies together. -
About the two-newbye partnering. (nm) by
on 2012-08-26 14:41:00 UTC
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Ops, clicked on "post" by
on 2012-08-26 14:47:00 UTC
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It actually happened - remember, training ISN'T top priority for the Flowers.
In fact, there was even a case of a new Agent sent in his first mission alone, without equipment and without a clue on what to do (IndeMaat's Allison Carter).
It all depends on how it is done, and it can be done well with a lot of fun potential. I do refrain from it, though. -
I have to say... by
on 2012-08-26 11:08:00 UTC
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while your character concepts do spark a little interest in me, the writing sample is extremely bland. There's no sense of emotion in it; it reads like someone just watching the events and reporting them in very uninteresting prose. For example:
"Ouch," he and the elf said as they were pelted by the round, hard vegetables. They got up, dusted themselves, and went onwards.
Someone accidentally setting a cartful of cabbages loose could be good slapstick comedy. However, like this it reads more like the cabbages were being actively thrown at them - and unless the cart was much taller than the two people, the cabbages would roll out and hit them on the legs at worst. Also, nobody I can think of would ever just say "Ouch," if a cabbage hit them at high speed, and then get up and leave.
The rest of the writing sample reads similarly - nobody ever seems shocked, amused, or emotionally affected by anything. Just because the narration says they are doesn't mean we get that sense. One of the most necessary writing concepts is "show, don't tell", and I think you need some practice with the idea.
So I'm sorry, but as a PG I personally am going to have to say Permission Denied for now. You're more than welcome to work on your writing skills and try again in the future, though, and I do look forwards to seeing it. -
Not a PG, but... by
on 2012-08-26 01:58:00 UTC
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Eeh. I like the jokes you put in (The Marquis de Sod sending Anebrin off without asking if he'd actually been recruited, the log2 thing, the "Press Me"), but your prose is dry, after those first few jokes it dries up, and it repeats a few sentence structures over again. That's a sure way to bore your readers, and boring missions aren't good missions. By the time I got to the cabbage bit, which could have been funny and I thought it would have been when you were talking about it, it was just desert-dry, desert-beige prose. You have to describe what it feels like to be pelted, not say (and I quote)
“Ouch,” he and the elf said as they were pelted by the round, hard vegetables. They got up, dusted themselves, and went onwards.
That's just... bleck. It doesn't count. To give in to the metaphors of how I 'sense' certain kinds of writing, your Word World is covered in a layer of dust and I can't see anything but the basic shapes even with my glasses on.
In addition, I have a problem with the idea of you, personally, having Permission. How I understand it is that Permission gives those with Permission to say "I am the PPC", and... well. I don't want someone who thinks evolution is a theory -- who thinks proof of it can be waved away with "That's your view of reality, mine is different" -- I don't want someone as the face of the PPC who thinks he can deny scientific theories to be true. (Scientific theories as opposed to layman's theories, which are more properly hypotheses.) I don't like the idea of you having Permission when from what I've heard you cocoon yourself in "I reject your reality and substitute my own!". That's only funny as a Mythbusters reference, not a serious way of thinking. -
Ahum. by
on 2012-08-27 12:21:00 UTC
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Aside from the issues with my writing (I seem to have went from Purple to Beige), my philosophical opinions, as others have said, are irrelevant to whether I should get Permission or not.
Still, I think I should clarify this. I am not a Creationist. I am a sceptic Idealist Monist. Explanation: by the way of Cartesian scepticism I have reached the (tentative) conclusion that, so far, I only know for sure that things of the Mind exist, and not physical things (those things are, coincidentally, thoughts, though I don't really know what thoughts are -- what I have is a non-constructive proof of existence). Therefore, if I'm not sure physical things exist, then how can I treat the evolution, which is a theory based on matter, without scepticism? Even more: if I doubt my senses' input, how can I not doubt a scientific theory, which is an empiric, based-on-sensual-observation thing?
So: I don't solely doubt the evolution. Rather, I doubt the scientific method as a whole, and am sceptic about its ability to reveal truth(s) about the world/reality. -
"I am the PPC" by
on 2012-08-26 03:47:00 UTC
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applies, in my understanding, to things that are PPC related, not to ... well, everything else. People with Permission represent and in a sense are the PPC when they write missions, leave concrit on fics, and preform other tasks that are related to the mission of this community.
People's personal opinions aren't reasons to deny them permission to PPC. The way I understand it, only a person's actions, such as writing badly, being an unreformed Suethor, or persistently being a hateful bigod are reasons to deny Permission. The PPC doesn't have a community opinion on debates like creationism/evolution, and no one can be the voice of the PPC with regards to those issues.
Now, desdenelle, about your writing sample: it was, as others have said, boring. When I'm reading a story, I should be able to build up a mental picture of what's going on. Your writing sample has so little detail that I can't imagine it the things left unmentioned. For example, Anebrin's reactions to falling into the Marquis's office through a plothole are not mentioned at all, though they should be. He must be thinking something or experiencing some emotion, tell us about that. Don't leave those sorts of critical things to the reader.
Were I a PG, I would deny. -
You may be a bit mixed-up, here. by
on 2012-08-26 02:24:00 UTC
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How I understand it is that Permission gives those with Permission to say "I am the PPC",
No. No one person is the PPC. Their writing and fics and reviews are representative of the PPC, but they are not the entity. We all are; that's the point.
We cannot, should not, and will never (as far as I am aware) deny someone permission based on their religion, even if said religion is something that contradicts science. The reason that Jacer was denied permission was not her religion; nobody in the PPC has ever (to the best of my knowledge/memory) been denied permission because of their religion. It was because she used her beliefs to bully and attack others, including other PPCers.
If Des goes around bullying/harassing people with Creationism, then we have a serious problem. But simply disbelieving in a science is not cause for not including someone in the PPC, or giving them permission. We had a guy a while back who, as I discovered through his profils elsewhere, was entirely convinced that the entire pharmaceutical research industry/science, worldwide (but especially in America), was false, conspiratorial, hiding The Truth, etc. He had other issues with his various actions on the PPC, so it never came up, but if he'd applied for permission with a stellar application, he would've gotten the go ahead, because his personal beliefs do not apply to his PPC work, and never, ever should.
--VM
(I haven't finished reading the sample, so I won't comment on that directly, yet.) -
Re: You may be a bit mixed-up, here. by
on 2012-08-26 03:07:00 UTC
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I understand, and apologize. That having been said, I do not like the idea of desdendelle being representative of the PPC. Not to the "oh hell no" extent of Jacer, but I nevertheless have an issue with things like evolution being dismissed when they are so patently a fact. Say what you will about me for this, but I don't like it when scientific facts are considered deniable, for any reason whatsoever, and I'm deeply suspicious of the people who deny them.
That having been said, the writing sample is still dry and beige and boring, and that is directly related to desdendelle getting Permission. -
And on that note... by
on 2012-08-26 03:41:00 UTC
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I'd like to point you at the Constitution of this fair Board, particularly article 5.
Or, to put it less bluntly, we are a group of people who write words making fun of other words which were written about still more words. This is not Super Serious Time, and I'm more than a bit uncomfortable with people saying other people shouldn't be allowed to play because they believe something different.
(Acting on that belief in ways that hurt other people (especially of the group), on the other hand, is completely and utterly out of line.) -
Hum... by
on 2012-08-26 01:38:00 UTC
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Writing sample: I told you about the problems I have with your writing. Namely that it's wooden and that you seem to lack the ability to read (and thus write) between the lines. I miss the lightheartedness and the casual fun that is the PPC in this thing. And the worst thing is that I can't even pinpoint what is causing the dryness in your writing.
Agents: Anebrin is a random elf. Is there anything that sets Wesnoth elves apart from others? Des, on the other hand, as you describe him there, sounds annoying. Also, he's still way too nonchalant about the whole "portal to HQ" thing.
My two cents: Practice your writing. Write things just for the lulz and throw them into the IRC, or on the board, for concrit. Learn to read/write between the lines, find a way to sound more dynamic.
PS: When I said you got better, I still meant that. It's just that better doesn't equal good.