Subject: I respect the personal reasons behind your decisions.
Author:
Posted on: 2024-09-02 21:35:01 UTC

My intent was to speak more of general philosophy than you specifically, and I wasn't trying to change your mind. You're entitled to your opinions and of course to taking action for your own health. I'm sorry if I came off combative, or continue to do so. I speak from a place of passion and perhaps general frustration with the times, but not any personal bad feeling. Plus, I'm no good at debating in real time, so I'm stuck soapboxing here. {; P

I would like to respond specifically to this:

> "[I]t's everyone's choice in this community to decide if they want to give constructive critique, knowing that it's sometimes unwelcome even if it comes from an intent to help ... That doesn't mean everyone is always ready and willing to receive critique on their work"

Again speaking of general philosophy, when it comes to posting on a public forum such as AO3, I strongly believe that by doing so the writer is consenting to receive feedback at any time, and it's their responsibility to determine when and how to engage with it. I vehemently object to the idea that anyone should shoulder the responsibility for a writer's hypothetical mental state when they choose to engage with feedback on a publicly posted work. I (a reviewer) have no way of knowing whether a random stranger on the internet may or may not be having a bad day. All I can know is that they posted their work in a public forum that enables feedback, and thereby consented to receive it. The best I can do is be honest and polite; my responsibility ends at the limit of my agency. It would be detrimental to my mental health to bear the burden for any other person's choice of when to read public reviews and how to handle them. I can't in good conscience agree with that attitude.

Now, in private forums, that's another story. A private community can set whatever rules they like for leaving feedback, including "ask first," and that is absolutely fine, just as you say.

Also, I have asked my friends to limit feedback to certain areas at times, and I'm happy to be similarly accommodating. My friends and I can do that because we have an open dialogue, and we can trust each other to assume good faith and make amends if we screw up. Plus, friendship means having more awareness of their lives and giving more consideration than you would to a random stranger. It's the thing that makes a friendship what it is.

You can do that with a beta, too, again because you and your beta have a relationship that includes an open dialogue, plus the presumption that a beta "client" will receive greater consideration than a random stranger.

But nobody should be expected to treat every single interaction with an equally high level of consideration for the other person's personal life. Heck, not everyone has the same mental capacity for higher-level relationships to begin with—some people have lots of close friends, some don't; neither is wrong.

To be clear, I do think there should be a basic level of decency held to in public forums; all things being equal, everyone has the right to be spoken to politely. But if I've been polite, fair, truthful, and speaking in a forum where I'm permitted to speak, then I've upheld my social responsibility. If someone's feelings are hurt anyway, that sucks and I'm sympathetic, but accepting responsibility for it would mean the only way to guarantee I'll never be at fault is to never review at all. I don't think that's reasonable. At some point, other people are responsible for themselves.

And if that means not posting in public forums, or taking down works that were posted in public, that's okay. More power to them for realizing they have work to do on themself.

And you, too. {= )

~Neshomeh

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