Subject: Proper response.
Author:
Posted on: 2012-07-30 21:11:00 UTC
Mainly, the answer to your question:
In the most general of terms, I do not believe being in an emotional state while posting is a free pass to not being immediately accountable for what you say. In particular, we routinely dismiss emotional states like anger and excitement as excuses for acting out without thinking, and we routinely tell people to take a deep breath and wait to post until they're in control of themselves when emotion-inducing topics come up. If they don't, they are still responsible for making the choice to post in that state. I don't think I would generally make an exception for fear, panic, or ... is there a word for triggered-ness? The reason is that this is the Internet, and unlike "real life," there is always the option not to hit Enter until you've taken a moment to breathe and check that your emotions aren't getting in the way of making your point.
However, having slept on it and thinking over it all again, it looks like that is exactly what turned around to bite me. I didn't take Tray's specific emotional state as seriously as it looks like everyone else did, and that was clearly in error, and I am sorry for it. When I posted, I hoped that he would be able to take a step back and cool down, and then still participate in the discussion. In hindsight, I guess that was stupid of me.
I think I can explain a little bit why I made that mistake, though, and how I can watch that it doesn't happen again.
The thing is, I'm really, really skeptical about triggers. I understand what they are: an uncontrolled, irrational, emotional and/or physiological response to some stimulus, associated with past emotional trauma. Phobos pointed out to me that I even used to have a mild one regarding alcohol: my dad's a recovered alcoholic, so I used to get extremely upset just seeing someone I care about, such as my boyfriend, drinking. The first time I saw my boyfriend before Phobos having a drink and a cigar at a family gathering, I broke down crying without even realizing I was doing it until I felt something crawling on my cheek, thought it was a bug, and discovered tears instead. Surprise crying, not making this up. I took off by myself for awhile to let it out, and once I'd calmed down a bit and decided that my boyfriend is not my dad, there's no reason to assume the same bad things will happen, and I don't get to tell other grown-up people what legal substances they can and can't have when it's in an entirely appropriate setting, then I came back, and we talked about it, and we got on with having a good time. (I still don't drink, but I now vicariously participate in alcohol-culture through Phobos, who is a very responsible drinker, and we cook with wine sometimes.)
Anyway, the point of the story is that I get what a trigger is, and I get that they're real. I am skeptical of them when they start getting waved around like magic amulets that give the wielder the right to do whatever they want and to tell other people what they can and can't do or say in the wielder's presence. I'm not saying Tray did this, but it does happen. This is problematic to me both because it's manipulative, and because it's bad for the triggered person: using a trigger as an excuse suggests to me that they're not working on dealing with it so they can get on with a more-normal, less-subject-to-uncontrolled-bad-feelings kind of life.
So, when the word "trigger" started popping up in that thread, my skepticism kicked in, and that was a factor in my decision whether to post, and how. Listening to it as much as I did was a mistake, and again, I'm sorry. I should have realized Tray was in no position to react differently than he did, trigger or no trigger. In the future, I can be more aware of my feelings about triggers and make sure they don't unduly influence my judgement about how seriously to take someone's emotional state.
I think I had trouble realizing and addressing that mistake because I was so preoccupied with accusations of things I don't think I did—"defending Jacer," committing fallacies, posting in the wrong time and place, ignoring the spirit of the rules—and also because I very definitely didn't feel like many people were going to be sympathetic to anything I had to say anyway. It's only thanks to hS being so understanding and encouraging that I've been able to reach this point, so thank you, hS.
Er, there was another part to your question, too, wasn't there? In hindsight, what could I have done differently to stop the thread descending into bonfire territory without making the same mistake?
One thing I could've done is make a general reply to the original post, rather than any individuals in the thread—a general "hey everyone, let's watch out that we don't start flaming, because we're better than that." This might have gotten the message across without making anyone feel like I was cornering them. The risk with this is that the people already flaming might not look at it, or might not think they are flaming and so might decide it doesn't apply to them. Also, I'm not confident about this because it still violates the thing about not posting in that thread right then at all, and I'm positive it still would have been seen as "defending Jacer."
I also could have used milder, less direct language, but it still would've been a post in that thread right then, to stop a trend I saw starting at the time.
I could have started an all-new thread, but that would be pretty unusual, to start a new thread to talk about something currently happening in another one. Under most circumstances, I don't think that would be acceptable, and it still would have been posting right then, if not right there.
I would still like to hear if July, and/or anyone else, has other specific ideas with regards to deterring flames, if she/they agree that doing so is a good thing to do. If not here, then where? If not now, then when?
To add: I don't want to leave. However, the feeling that maybe I should do so for my own well-being doesn't just come from this one incident; it's the last couple of years of feeling like I'm sitting on a powder keg, never knowing when it's going to blow up again or why. The fact that I got caught in the blast this time certainly doesn't help, but really, like VM says, I'm tired of it in general. I mention it only because I don't want anyone to be surprised if it does come to the point of me leaving. I don't want to—the Board has been a huge part of my life, and setting it aside would leave a hole I couldn't easily fill again—but I'm damn near the limit of how much stress I'm willing to take for my pastime. I haven't made this clear enough: my main reason for sticking around and dealing with all the explosions has been the sense that I'm trusted, useful, and valuable to this community. This incident made me feel like that was no longer the case, and that I had no certain way back into the good graces of the people who are upset with me. My confidence is shattered, and with it my will to put up with much more negativity and stress.
And I'm still waiting for some word that any of this is doing any good toward fixing things in their eyes—and I do mean with words explicitly to that effect, because I don't feel I can trust in anything less right now. I've explained myself, I've said what I think I did wrong, and I've said I'm sorry. If I'm forgiven, or if I'm not yet but still can be in the future, then I need to be told so if I'm going to build up my confidence again. I just want everyone to understand that I won't wait much longer. Especially since I'm also going on vacation soon, starting August 12, and it's going to be a busy month.
~Neshomeh