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(Though Thoth most definitely is a bird, not a pup.)

Also, don't think I don't notice those heels. Nice touch!

... we're all expressly forbidden from complaining about being written OOC in shipfics. We all signed up - I have no more right to protest than Leto does at being written as a hooded Kaitlyn-stalker.

The correct response if you don't like how you're written (assuming it was done in line with any limits you expressed in the first thread, and with the rules of the Shipfest) is /revenge/. And it is coming, oh yes... >:D

hS

I kinda thought you might resent being Supreme Overlord again. Or at least this universe's Grand High Bureaucratic Poobah who keeps throwing good agents into the meat grinder, presumably to cover your own butt. {= )

~Neshomeh

Sure, it's longer and more intricately plotted than usual, but, y'know, elsewhere on the thread I'm three songs deep into rewriting Hamilton for the Shipfest, and we've got a continuous communal story where everyone's shipped with canon characters. This isn't much more outlandish.

Granted I may just be saying this because I'm delighted to be Supreme Overlord once again, and will be abusing my power to the best of my abilities. But that's a valid reason! :D

hS

Twistey, what's the joke here? 'Cause this is reading to me more like a serious fic with dubious justifications than a jokey oneshot with a jokey justification. Based on your other comments in the Shipfest threads, I'm not sure you understand what we're doing, and I'm a bit concerned about where this might be going.

~Neshomeh

I'd have done this if I thought I would actually, er, do it. ^_^; I'm glad someone is!

I like that Magnus is the tallest, that's accurate to how he'd present himself. Lion looks so angry! Wasn't this his idea in the first place? I forget. And I'm pretty sure Leman Russ treating underlings as puppies is 100% canon, because as we all know, Space Wolves wolfing wolf wolves.

TTS!Russ: *drawling in a dubious Scottish accent* Ye think ye howlin' know the wolfin' Vlka Fenryka? I'll wolfin' show ye the Vlka Fenryka! But first, ye'll have to drink this. *slams tankard of extremely dubious beverage onto the bar that is now there for some reason* If ye think ye've got the howlin' wolves. *wolfish grin*

(I would not take him up on that if I were you.)

Can't wait to see more of these!

~Neshomeh

(Part 1 of ?)

Hastily sketched from (on the one hand) various images on the Lexicanum, and (on the other hand) people's self-descriptions.

As you can see, I have no idea what muscles look like. I also have no idea why Russ thinks Thoth is a new puppy, or why Magnus is wandering around in a bathrobe. But! Thoth has an ibis t-shirt and Magnus' hair looks like an Egyptian headdress, so I've at least got one inspiration right. :D

hS

No, I will not "buy heck". If I were to invest in infernal real-estate I would go for the Big One.

Have a shillelagh and a flask of uisce beatha.

The Loud House fandom is my current one. I also play a lot of Mario fangames.

If you're thinking what I'm thinking... do it. I have no idea how you'll write this, but I bet it'll be good.

1. That's a funny quote. Very Nesh, too.
   
   2. I meant "joke" in relative terms. As in not actually a ship fic at all, just a random bit of funny stuff that's (in fact) a joke about joke ship fics. It's a meta joke. Jokeception. Boom.
   
   -Twistey

"Why wouldn't I mention the amazing things I learned? Seriously! This is amazing stuff!"

"Maybe because you have a sense of shame?"

"Shame? About knowledge? You must mean someone else!"

"...of course you don't."

(Okay, so I've played too much Wolfenstein 3D and every time I see Guardsman Tom's username, I think of the Guard enemy from the game. It furthers that thought that he has blond hair and blue eyes, so I just had to do this.)

Thoth was simultaneously surprised and not surprised that the badfic existed.

After all, he knew the nooks and crannies of the Internet well. He knew that many Doom fans liked to sabotage the Wolfenstein 3D fandom by promoting the assumption that Wolf 3D fans were all a bunch of Nazis. He knew that many kids of the average badficcer age were radicalized by the Internet and had become terrible edgelords, if they hadn't outright joined the alt-right. To be honest, he didn't care which group the author of this Legendary belonged to.

That didn't mean that he wasn't still shocked.

"Of course it had to be him," muttered Thoth under his breath. "There was no better guy to get Stu'd. There was nothing that could make the fic more potent than that."

He continued walking down the hallways of Episode 3's Reichstag. "And since he brutally murdered BJ Blazkowicz, it's up to me to bring down the entirety of the regime."

Thoth rounded a corner and spied a Guard watching him. Blond hair and blue eyes like the rest. He was about to raise his gun when the Guard suddenly started as if waking up from a dream, looked around in a panic, then lifted his hands up.

"Don't shoot! Don't shoot!"

Thoth approached the enemy. "You can speak English?"

"Yeah! Listen... I'm not going to hurt you."

"Why should I believe that?"

"I- I know you. You're Thoth. I've seen you on the Board."

"What the hell...?" Thoth looked at the Guard in confusion.

He extended his hand. "I'm Tom. The guy who got sent on this mission last time."

"I never heard about anyone going on this mission before, but okay." He shook Tom's hand.

"Huh, hS never told you? Weird, I wonder what incentives he has to do that. Anyway, this is what happened. I was about to engage the Stu in combat when he looked at me with this hypnotizing stare... and then... I don't know what happened. I think I was brainwashed into working as a Guard this whole time, but for some reason, looking at you made me suddenly recover."

Thoth nodded. "What about me would cause you to suddenly gain consciousness again?"

"I have no idea..." A bead of sweat rolled down his face.

Thoth smiled a bit while he took note of that. Then he stopped. "Wait. I think I killed a decoy that looked like someone I knew. That's bad."

Tom shook his head. "There's been another? Wow. Huinesoron just won't rest until this mission is complete. Anyway, is there a way I can be of any help to you here?"

"Come with me. If we work together, it'll be easier to find and defeat the guy."

"Alright."

They continued walking, conversing, and laughing, pausing every so often to shoot other enemies, until they came to Floor 9. As they opened the elevator door, a chill went down Tom's spine.

"Oohhh... I'm terrified. This place just brings back so many memories."

"Don't worry, babe," Freudian-slipped Thoth, "I'll protect you."

"...babe?"

"Er... I'm gay, so..."

"Oh phew! That's great! My feelings aren't invalid after all."

"That's what made you wake up. My hotness." He hair flipped.

They both doubled over laughing. Then Tom wiped his eyes and stood up. "Listen, I know a good pushwall that we can hide behind and recuperate." He walked across to the end of the hallway and leaned on a painting. Thoth noted that the decoy that should've been in the middle of the room was absent - it must have been the one he'd killed.

In a nice clean manner that definitely isn't more substitution for the building of romantic chemistry, Thoth and Tom did nothing but talk and embrace as they sat by rows upon rows of health packs and ammo... when a figure walked in with swaying hips.

Tom was the first to spot her. "That is one sultry decoy."

Thoth whipped around. "Oh, she's not dead! Joy!"

"What a shame," purred the girl, light shining off her glasses. "Someone's gotten into my storage. Could it be that you're the one who murdered all my boys?" She took out a tube of black lipstick and began reapplying it, analagous to a certain feature of the male decoys and no doubt meant to evoke a similar state of fear.

"Oh dear," whispered Tom.

"Look, it is. It's Thoth! Do you need healing, boy?" Then she turned to Tom and regained her smile. "But you... I like you."

Thoth grabbed Tom's arm, eyes narrowed. "Don't listen to her. It's Twistey, but she's fallen under the same spell you had."

"Do we want to kill her? I mean, it's thanks to her that we know all about this place that we do."

"We're not going to kill her unless we absolutely have to." At that moment, the Twisteycoy put her hand on his shoulder.

"Alright."

"Be careful!" Thoth clenched his teeth, pointing to what was going on.

"Don't worry, babe, I've got this handled." He turned to the Twisteycoy. "If your heart was true, you would not be acting this way. Besides, no way I'm not going to be faithful to Thoth."

She took her hand off and grinned maniacally. "You're right. I'm faithful too. Don't take it personally, they kill gay people here, and while I don't really subscribe to that, I know I'll be greatly rewarded if I finish you off."

"You dirty, dirty girl," muttered Thoth, "you're breaking your own rules."

Tom shrugged. "Brainwashed, remember?"

She blinked, and in that instant her eyes became solid black. Tom felt a burning sensation as she slowly began to conjure twin fireballs into existence in her hands.

Thoth frantically looked at his new lover. "Run!"

Hand in hand, they made a mad dash for the door.

Maniacally laughing, the strange Twistey-creature levitated into the air and began flying down the hallway after them. Floor 9 being the small floor that it was, they didn't have too many places to go, and were soon cornered inside a hallway. Twistey blocked two of the three doors, but they knew there was a far worse enemy waiting behind the third one.

Standing back to back, Thoth pulled out his chain gun and Tom pulled out his pistol.

"You sure this isn't going to kill her?" questioned Tom.

"I used this very same gun to 'kill' her the first time and she only passed out," replied Thoth. "Fire away!"

BANG, BANG, BANG went the pistol.
RATATATATATATATATATAT went the chain gun.

The pair dodged fireballs left and right, in a way that definitely isn't because I'm too lazy to write a proper action scene, and soon Twistey lay down on the floor unconscious again.

"Whew," breathed Tom, wiping his forehead with the sleeve of his uniform. "That was insane."

"I am... exhausted," said Thoth. "But... oh God. I just remembered. This isn't over yet. We're not safe yet."

As if on cue...
CLANK... CLANK... CLANK...

Tom jumped. "You're right! But what do I do, I only have my pistol!"

Thoth thought for a bit as the footsteps slowly approached. "You take Twistey back to HQ. She won't do any damage under Huinesoron's watchful eyes. I'll fight this horror alone."

"You sure you want to-"

"He's about to come through the door! GO!"

Tom took the unconscious body onto his shoulder and bolted for the elevator door. Perhaps, he thought, if Thoth broke my curse, then we can find some Lust Object for Twistey who will break hers. "Take care," he whispered under his breath.

Thoth stood ready on the opposite end of the hallway as the Gary Stu approached him. He watched it off the reflective surface of his watch to avoid looking into its eyes. It paused before the two doors that led out. Then it spoke.

"Zhoth. Don't make zis boring. I have an offer for you. You have ten seconds to get a headstart running."

Thoth said nothing, but aimed his chain gun.

"Don't even try. I am unstoppable... and I sense that somevere in your mind, you know zat."

Thoth muttered something under his breath.

"I guess I'll begin counting. Ten... Nine... Eight... Seven... Six... Five..."

Thoth squinted his eyes closed and ran forwards in a blur, screaming a battle cry and opening fire. Nothing seemed to be happening from what he was gathering with his other four senses. On instinct, he blinked open his eyes to see what was going on, and then... it was too late.

Thoth's grip on his gun began to slip. Every muscle started to freeze. He fell to the ground. Everything went black...

---

"Give me two seconds and she'll be sober." Huinesoron extended a flat hand to the girl's face.

"No! No, that's not the right way to go," yelped Tom. "I fear that's not going to work."

"Then what's your theory?"

"Okay, so my brainwashing was undone by Thoth, and he's hot, so we need to find her an LO that will make that work."

The British man brought his hands up to squeeze his face. "Are you and Thoth in love now?! Awwww!" Then he regained his composure. "This won't be too hard. She has many Lust Objects."

"Most of them are villains or antiheroes, though, and I have another hunch that that won't work either."

"Oh dear..." He sighed, then checked his watch. "Shouldn't Thoth be here by now if he killed our target?"

"Yeah, he should... oh. Oh." Tom almost dropped Twistey in despair. "This only means one thing."

"Yes, Tom. He rescued you, now it's your turn to rescue him."

Tom handed Twistey to Huinesoron, then stood up straight. "I absolutely will do that."

"Not dressed like a Nazi you won't."

Tom slapped himself. "Hey, think of it as infiltration."

"You're getting too used to that uniform."

"Huineso-"

The oldbie held up a finger leading to the Response Centers. "GO, Tom."

And so, Tom went, strategizing as he went about how to save Thoth.

To be continued...

----
Will Tom save Thoth from the terrible influence of *ahem* a particularly nasty Gary Stu?
Will he meet others who have met the same fate along the way?
Will Huinesoron find someone for Twistey?

Okay, that last question is up to you guys, per shipfest rules, but as for the rest of them, find out in...

Man on a Mission - Part 2!

-Twistey

P.S. Tom and Thoth's love theme:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HV1-AjwDJwM

...and you all know the one I'm talking about if you've heard it...

Admit it. You were reading it in that voice. Because it is the sexiest voice to have its own body. Or not, since it's still my body. (And it's also not the sexiest anything.)

She was indeed! Second only to the High Priest Dafydd himself (literally - she's #3 on the list, with Dafydd at 2 and Bast at 1). She's notable for having once stolen the Sacred Mushrooms and received her own, unauthorised vision from the Grey Lady.

... I think I may have an inkling of what you're scheming. I say go for it.

hS

I will share this headcanon. ^_^

Agent Neshomeh: *very confused* Why did I dream I was writing mission reports? That's ridiculous.

Tiny!Aeryn Sun: O.o Of what you told me, that is the part you can't accept?

... Also, BTW, Kaitlyn was a priestess of GreyLadyBast, right? I might have another idea, Kaitlyn willing. {= 3

~Neshomeh

There was quite a crowd growing in Rudi's. Most of them looked up when Huinesoron appeared. The elf looked somewhat mussed (for an elf, which is to say, his hair and clothes were only inhumanly well-set-out, rather than perfect), and distinctly dazed.

Huinesoron clambered over the slagged remains of the door and staggered over to the bar, circling past the rambunctuous form of Vulkan on the way. He pulled up a seat next to Grundleplith. "It may just be me," he announced in a dry voice, "but I'm detecting a certain... air of similarity around here."

"Primarchs," 'Plith and Thoth chorused.

"Indeed." Huinesoron stared down at the countertop for a few moments. "Which one's..." He hesitated, brow furrowed. "...the really beautiful one?"

"Sounds like Fulgrim!" Calliope scooted along the bar to join him. "Hey, we're - well, mostly me now, Neshomeh ran off to play with Granz and Vulkan - starting a Primarch Appreciation Club. Wanna join?"

The elf looked from her to the despairing pair on his other side, then over at the boisterous trio out in the middle of the room. "You know what? Sure. I'm into this."

-----

Well, it's a Shipfest. ;) And elves like pretty things.

I leave Team Vulkan's current activities to other minds than mine. (And sadly I can't write a 'chapter' - I don't have a handle on any Primarch. I will be watching for any more, though!)

My headcanon is that this whole thing is a weird shared dream had by our eponymous agents one night, possibly caused by a visiting psyker from the Shipverse; and also that they never speak of it again.

hS

Me! Me! I wanna go on an adventure! Is Corvus Corax coming, too? {= D

I'm so glad this is TTS!Vulkan. The ship is magnificent and hilarious. ^_^

~Neshomeh

You know I would recognize my gorgeous voice anywhere. :P

Also, 'sexy' no longer sounds like a word. I think I should be thanking you.

(In all seriousness, I loved it. So much.)

That was, as so many of these are, really funny. And generally entertaining.

Calliope was getting ready for bed after a long day of shipping things together that probably shouldn’t be shipped. She carefully extracted her fursuit from storage, changing into it in preparation for bed. (Cal wore the fursuit to bed every night. Why wouldn’t she?)

Suddenly, there came a voice, quiet, sensuous, dripping with seduction. “Hey there, sugar… mmmm… you look good…”

Cal looked around, desperately trying to find the source. “Hello? Who is it?”

“Why don’t you tell me? It shouldn’t be so hard for a clever girl like you to figure out.”

The realization came to Cal suddenly, her eyes widening. “Are you… me?”

The voice laughed, the sound like a chuckling river of molten honey. “See? I told you it wouldn’t be hard. I’m your voice, sweet kitten.”

“...My sexy voice, I assume.”

“My full name is… Calliope’s Sexy Voice of Sexy Sexyiness, With +2 to Sexy Sexy Sex of the Sexual variety. And that is a terribly unsexy name, don’t you think? But…” and here, the voice laughed again. “I’m so sexy I can even make that sound sexy.”

Cal gave a soft moan. “Wow… you really do make it sound sexy…”

“Mmm… well, then. Why don’t you lay down on that bed, and we can… do things. I’m thinking you put something into this mouth of ours… Like a finger. Or something else. I’m not picky…”

The girl in the fursuit sauntered over to the bed. “I’m ready for anything, believe me. Just so long as you are.”

“And you know that I am.”