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(Note from the Original, Non-Suethor Version Of This Author:

This fic may end up being NSFW and/or NSFB. I'm not sure exactly where to go with it. It features Sued versions of some agent ideas I had recently, along with some of the more famous agents made by other people functioning as the Sues' punching bags or adoring fans. I have particularly mischievous plans for a few of the male agents... TuT But anyway! Let's go, then!)

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The New Recruit

---Prologue---

As I slept in my luxurious bed in my sweet home town of Las Vegas after a day of gambling (my parents let me do whatever I want), I had the most wonderful dream. I was standing in the middle of a beautiful, dark forest clearing underneath a huge, pure white full moon. Everything smelled of pine and aspen and maple and flowers too, like lavender and honeysuckle and pink roses, my favorite of all. In the clearing there was a small, still reflecting pool, surrounded by a short circle of rose bushes, and before it was a massive yellow sunflower that appeared to be watching me. It was wearing a robe of some sort. I approached the giant flower and stared at it in wonder, and a couple seconds later, it began to speak to me.

Tomorrow, you will come to a new world, it said, its voice echoing through my brain. Do not be afraid. You will discover new power within you, more than you've ever dreamed of. Then I felt my heart beating in every part of me with a strong, regular rhythm, and everything slowly went dark as the flower's last words faded away:

Feel... it... pulse...

I woke up falling.

---Chapter 1---

Hi, my name is Morana Kristine Stephanie Hecate King, and I'm a 16-year-old girl with black-and-pink hair reaching to just below my boobs and shiny pink eyes. Usually before I came here I would wear blue contacts and say that my hair was dyed so that I wouldn't be mocked (and yes, some people found out and mocked me anyway), but once I came to the place where I belonged, I threw those suckers away! Of course, I still wear makeup, even though I look gorgeous without it, with my beautiful face and figure, because doing people's makeup is what I like best. I always wear clothes that make me look super cute, like right now I've got on a black strapless top with a pink glittery skull on it, a short black skirt with a pink glittery belt, thigh-high black and pink striped stockings, and black lace-up boots with pink glittery lightning bolts on them. In terms of accessories, I also am wearing a pink light-up pendant necklace (ha, bet you didn't know those exist!), black wrist-guard thingies like Wonder Woman wears except black not gold, and my new jacket over my shoulders. Why'd they have to make my department logo a cactus? That's so lame! A pink glittery broken heart would be better. Anyway, you can get a general image of me now, right? Aren't I hawt? Yeah, I know.

But that's not the point of the story, is it? I know you want some makeup tips from me, but I have to tell you about how I got to my favorite place ever, my new home. What is that? Well, let's go back to me falling. I was falling and falling and falling as I flailed my arms in a futile attempt to somehow get out of the hole I was in as my mind raced to figure out what was going on. Had I been sleepwalking? What was going on? Why wasn't I in my pajamas? Oh well, it seemed like in my sleep I'd picked out my cutest outfit yet! Go me! I kept falling, and I fell faster and faster and faster. I was wondering when I was going to stop falling when I saw the ground approaching. The ground had tiles on it, and they were white and black. Why not pink? Wherever I was going needed a remodeling. And that's when I hit the ground, landing on my feet standing as I looked around the place. I appeared to be in some sort of office building, in a room with windows and doors. Surrounding me were many young adults in black jackets and the giant sunflower from my dream, except it was wearing the top half of a suit, as well as other huge flowers. Upon seeing me, they became excited, murmuring amongst themselves things like "That's the one from the prophecy!" and "Looks like we have a new recruit." I awkwardly smiled, shrugging my shoulders, which caused them to burst into cheers. "Welcome," said the sunflower. "We've been waiting for you."

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How'd ya like it? I think it's a good start to a story! Plz review it! Reviews r my life! Except no flames. I haven't been flamed before - this is my first story - so I don't know what it's like, but I know that flamers are horrible, horrible people. Have a Foxytastic day!

-Nightmare Twistey the Demon Fox Animatronic

I'm glad you...liked it? I'm not so sure Ilraen'll be back, but you never know...maybe I'll eventually write a side story? I've never really considered that pairing, but Dawn *did* just break up with Agent Des in canon, so she's single and ready to mingle...we'll see!! Thanks again for reviewing!

((I'm glad you liked it! It did take some thought, though perhaps not as much as all that--it was mainly a combination of not refreshing my memory by reading something you've written and also just going 'so I need them to do *this* for the story' at certain points. And then Ilraen managed to get himself mixed together with a bit of Aziraphale in my head, so...that was a little odd. But I'm glad it worked, and I certainly hope I can keep it up with the next set of characters! Because, yes, there are more to come...quite a few more. There are five more parts to this, after all!

But yes. I'm glad you're amused :) Coming from the author of the characters I, er, borrowed, that's wonderful. I hope you'll enjoy the rest as well.

~Zing))

...I don't think I really got most of that--what's the accent you've written it in? It looks like a different language! But what I managed to read looks really...strange. As in, no one seems to be in character except for Gabrielle, who I know likes Draco...

A bit of it was funny, I guess...? I like Nurse Jenni! You should definitely put Jacques in a future chapter, though. He makes everything better.

Theyre so cute!!! <3 rite moar plz!

XOXOX

(( She... she probably said the last bit ironically. Maybe. >.>

(( I suspect it took some serious thought to get the characters almost, but not quite right, so kudos. I am very amused. Nume objecting to swearing, pffft. ^_^ ~Neshomeh ))

I love the drama, but...I need more! How'd they get to this? How will it continue? How can Ruby be carrying a baby that isn't hers?? I need answers!

We're using two of the same characters in our fics! But you've made Jacques more of a side character...I'm not sure I like that. I mean, Jacques is awesome, and he deserves to be happy after all the awful memories her got from being Captain Jack...

Then again, I didn't make Nume *that* central to the plot, so maybe we're kind of even. Just a little bit.

I love that you've included Davydd, though! But what's he doing at HQ? Didn't he retire ages ago?

this is really good, I think! So Crimka and Cynthia are in love I guess? And they like kissing eachother and stuff like that? But uh, there's lots o wrds, which is good I guess, bot maybe you could punt in more ACTOON, like with stuff happening! Ooog, they could go on a mission 2gether, and it could b dangerous, and what if 1 of them got huirt and had 2 b saved by the other1! That would b kewl.

XOXOX

(( I mistyped Cynthia with a U instead of a Y [the two are adjacent!], and I would have let it stand for badficcer authenticity, but the Board flags that sort of thing. You'll have to imagine the typo yourselves. ^_^; ~Neshomeh ))

When they got back to the RC, Ilraen stared at Dawn. {Whatever happened to you?} he asked.

Dawn groaned. “Long story short, he had to cut my braid off. One of the Sued trees had it. It’s not even remotely even, is it?”

Ilraen managed to make a clucking sound without a mouth, which was really quite impressive. {Dear me. No, I’m afraid it isn’t. Could I get you some coffee?}

“I don’t drink the stuff,” Dawn said glumly, “but I’ll happily drink some tea. Lots of it. And then I have to somehow find a hairdresser...they exist somewhere around here, right? I haven’t had to do more than cut off split ends in years.”

{I’m sure they do,} Ilraen said comfortingly. He put a hand on Dawn’s arm. {Come. I’ll make you some tea.}

So I gave her one! And (don't tell anyone, shh!) there may be a teensy bit of Twilight inspiration in here! I'm not as big a fan of the series as I used to be, but it's still got a place in my heart...so that's what inspired Ix's new long locks :) Well, that and the fact that they'll look gorgeous on her, don't you think?

And Ron sounds like an awesome name :D I'm going to wait and see what the other suggestions are, but if no one else comes up with something, I'll be smiling every time I write the spider's name.

And don't worry! Love isn't *right* around the corner for Jacques, but it is on its way... ;) ;)

-Avlates_usted

Full Title: Five Times Dawn McKenna Cut Her Hair Accidentally (And One Time She Did It On Purpose)

A/N: So this is a slightly different kind of story than the other one I started posting below. That one's a romance, but this...well, the PPC really lacks 5+1 fics, which I think is such a shame! So I've decided to write one. And since Agent Dawn is one of my favorites, and she's had long hair for ages, I figured it'd be fun to show a couple of ways she could cut it! With or without a little help...

Enjoy!! And don't forget to R&R (and Read & Review too! ;) )


I.

Dawn was running through a Narnian forest, her long brown braid flying out behind her and thumping annoyingly against her back. It had already been a long day: first of all, she was in Narnia, which hardly ever happened. That would have been nice, if it hadn’t been so long since she’d read the books that she wasn’t completely sure of half the charges, and was having to rely on her partner.

Secondly, her partner. Ugh.

Oh, Supernumerary was a good enough agent. That wasn’t really in question.

What was in question was his attitude: which was dreadful. There were no two ways about it: working with ‘Nume’, as his lovely partner Ilraen had called him, was to suffer.

‘Nume’ was rolling his eyes now: she could just tell from his tone of voice. “Splendid. Caspian’s just landed a killing blow on Aslan. This should be...fun to sort out.”

“What about Peter killing that wolf? Maugrim?” Dawn asked. She was panting: she hadn’t had to run so much in a while.

She could feel the look of disdain from three feet away. “That is canon. Do you never reread books?”

Before she could retort angrily that yes, actually, she did reread books, loved to, in fact, but just hadn’t felt like rereading Narnia recently, something stopped Dawn short. She shrieked as she was pulled backwards by her hair.

“What now?” Nume demanded, but even he fell silent when faced by the sight that met his eyes:

Dawn was trying not to cry from the pain of having her hair pulled with so much force--and no wonder: her braid was tangled firmly in and around the grasp of a moving tree. It was one of the Suefluenced ones, and its twigs went through the braid even as vines wove their way in and around it.

“Oh,” said Nume.

“Ow,” said Dawn, as well as a fine number of further words which aren’t fit to print. “Ow!”

“I, er.” Nume fixed the tree with a look; it froze, but didn’t release Dawn. “Er. I don’t think I can untangle this.”

Dawn said another few words which can’t be printed, and Nume winced.

“Language,” he said weakly. “Er...I think I might have to cut it off.”

“No,” Dawn groaned. “Oh, great. This would happen. What a splendid day this is.”

“Hold still,” Nume said a little more strongly. He took out a knife; Dawn closed her eyes.

“Try to make it even,” she said.

Nume tried.

He really did.

*

When they got back to the RC, Ilraen stared at Dawn. <> he asked.

Dawn groaned. “Long story short, he had to cut my braid off. One of the Sued trees had it. It’s not even remotely even, is it?”

Ilraen managed to make a clucking sound without a mouth, which was really quite impressive. <>

“I don’t drink the stuff,” Dawn said glumly, “but I’ll happily drink some tea. Lots of it. And then I have to somehow find a hairdresser...they exist somewhere around here, right? I haven’t had to do more than cut off split ends in years.”

<> Ilraen said comfortingly. He put a hand on Dawn’s arm. <>



A/N: So that was the first part! What do you think? I have the whole thing planned out, so I won't be taking suggestions...except maybe for another way she could have to accidentally cut her hair. I'm still deciding on one of those.

I'm really excited for the next chapter!! Aren't you? :) Thanks for reading (and don't forget to leave me some tasty reviews...)

I jsut stardet reading this and it's so cool! I r.r. luyke the lotus flowre in the breeze! And the gllowing wyes! And I can't w8 to c what ahppens next!

XOXOX

Okay so I really really like how you made Ix not ugly, like ew werewolfs are supposed too be hot so thank you for fixxing that! Also I think you should name Chralotte's spider named Ron! Write more I wanna see Jacques fall in love with one of them!

A/N: So this is going to be amazing! I hope you enjoy it lots :) I'm not new to this beautiful fandom, but I fancy myself a little more grown up than when I first entered, and so I've changed my screen name. I'm not going to tell you who I am (at least not right away!!) though: I want to show you all how much I've grown as a person and a writer without being immediately associated with my previous works!

So, this is a love story in the end :) But don't worry! It'll also have some adventure! ;) But I love these characters and they deserve some happiness...so here goes!!

A Tale of Two Women
Chapter One!

Jacques POV

I’ve made a change in myself; hopefully for the better. You see, I’ve got really bored of all this emptiness: I need to stop flirting with everyone, stop sleeping with anyone with a post code--oh yeah, I saw that clip--and start focusing on what’s important: finding my True Love.

I mean, that’s really all anyone wants. And I’m no different. It’s even stronger for me, I thing, because I was a fictional character to start out with…

Charlotte POV:

I was sitting in my chair last night--I’m a vampire, so I don’t need to sleep--with my pet Tarantula and thinking. Ix looks so nice when she’s asleep; she always looks nice, but at night she doesn’t worry about her scars. She’s at peace--well, sometimes. Other times she tosses and turns and cries out from nightmares. It makes me want to go hunt down everyone who’s ever hurt her and become a different kind of assassin.

Tonight she looked different ,though. More at peace. She’d been to this awesome slumber party--I wish I could’ve gone with her, but I couldn’t stand to be around so many people--and she came back with a makeover. I liked the way she looked before, but this is nice too and she seems so much happier: most of her scars are gone, and her hair is long--almost as long as mine. It falls in beautiful silken waves down her back. It even has purple high lights now, which look great. But everything looks great on her.

I haven’t told her yet that we’re moving to ESAS. She deserves a good night’s sleep--for once. But in the morning I’ll have to tell her.

I wonder what she’ll think.

Jacques POV: Eventually I decided to go to bed, fending off Luxury along the way. I wonder what tomorrow will bring?


Preview of next chapter:

“Don’t look at me, Charlotte, I’m hideous!”

“I thought...I thought you’d love me, if you loved anyone.”

“Oh, hey. Are you guys new here? I could...show you around…”


A/N: So, what'd you think? Tell me all about it! ALSO! What should Charlotte's tarantula be named? Vote in the comments!!

I sat in the courtyward head in my hands sobbing. It felt like my heart was going to break! Shatter into a hundred million tiny peices that peirced my soul.....

"ITS NOT FAIR!", I said sobbing. "I love him but he doesn't truly love me back!! He doesn't see me for who I really am and it's not fair!"

Dafidd held me and stroked my hair while I cried in his chest. "Shh there there, it's okay", he said quietly then gasping.

"What is it?", I said sniffling.

"You have the Windflower Birthmark!" Dafidd said gasping. He touched the birthmark on my neck and I slapped it away. It was a really ugly birthmark that looked like a lotus blossom dancing in the breeze and I hated it because it made me look so different from everyone and Arwen would tease me on it.

"I didn't say you could touch me now leave me alone!", I shout and lie down on the rock still crying now tears of sad and embarrassment too.

"But Jess", Dafidd tried to say but I screamed at him and he went away.

Little did I know that the birthmark on my neck was starting to glow or that my eyes had turned red and purple. The Windflower legacy was about to awaken!

AN: DUN DUN DUN! Don't worry dear readers, Numie and Jess will get together soon!

What Bram's been doing to improve her ability to function in an online community. Has she sought therapy, for instance? Found a support group of some sort? Gotten on the same page with her husband, at least, who she was apparently falling out with some time back? She says she feels she's ready. Okay. I wanna know what work she's done to arrive at this conclusion, and what she thinks she can do better now than she had done before.

~Neshomeh

AN: Thanks again to everyone kind enough to leave reviews! I'm always in favour of concrit, and (and this is directed at MrsSupernumerary of this parish) I recognise that the format can be a little unforgiving on the eyes. Nevertheless, it's a fun writing challenge to do an entire fic in the phonetic accent of Doktor Trollenfisch, so here I am. Doing it. >=]

I don't own anything except the combination of boredom, caffeine, and a dilapidated computer that allows me to create this fine body of work.

Content Warning: This fic is rated Mature, or 18 in civilised countries. If you're under the age, don't read it. If you're over the age, do read it! And get in touch if you can bulk-buy Angel Delight, I need a lot of it for a series of excellent and very pertinent reasons which this content warning is too narrow to contain.

===

It vas beink several morninks after zer mornink after all zer commotion und schvoodilypoopinK had begun, und Luxury, zer Aviator, und zer good Doktor Trollenfisch vere loungink artfully on zeir shared orange-flavoured jelly bed. It vas beink vun of zer mandatory "Please Be Rememberink How To Brain Und Movement Und Vords Und Brain" breaks, vhich vere largely necessitated by ein combination of stamina und some very interestink Poffins zat zer Doktor made ein mental note to never, ever introduce to Gabrielle. Not zat zis vas beink too big of ein problem; zer adorable leetle Flareon vas mostly livink und vorkink in zer Male Post-Natal Depression Vard of FicPsych, vhere she could be ein therapy-fluffball to any and all Draco Malfoys who vere crossink her path.

As he lay reminiscink in zer paddlink pool, Luxury und zer Aviator got quietly to zeir feet und sneaked off sneakily to zer Responsezentrum's en-suite. A few moments later, zhey came back und called for zer Doktor, vhich caused their mountainous cleavage to jiggle und bounce around like four blancmanges on ein extremely active trampoline. For vunce, zough, zat vas not beink vhat caught zer Doktor's eye, at least not for more zan ein couple of minutes. Nein, his eyes vere drawn inescapably to zeir necks.

"Are you likink zem?" Zer Aviator asked. "Beink ein Time Lord, I am not really sleepink all zat much-"

"I am not beink sure anyvun has been sleepink all zat much," Luxury interjected vizz ein lascivious expression.

"... Vell, ja, but it means I have been havink zer time to make zese! Zey are leetle tokens to be showink everyvun who ist seeink zem zat Agent Luxury und mein self are belongink primarily to you!"

Vhat zer Aviator vas referrink to vas zer collars of bright neon-pink leather zat adorned zer vomen's necks. Zey vere also spiked vizz vhat, upon beink inspected more closely by Doktor Trollenfisch, transpired to be beink his own qwills. Lastly, zey vere beink adorned vizz ein metal tag inscribed vizz ein image of zer Doktor und ein meesage sayink "if found, please return to zis Trollenfisch along vizz any uzzer small items and/or packets of orange-flavoured gelatin". Vhich vas proof of zer Aviator's skill at collar fabrication, as zer writink vas qwite small.

Zer Doktor vas beink delighted vizz zer new development! "Oh, meine kleine FlugzeugundTARDISmädchen! Meine kleine Luxurischemädchen! Zis ist beink ein most frabjous day! Calloo und indeed callay! Ve must be celebratink zis turn of events, my vord yes!"

"Vell," began Agent Luxury, "if ve vant to be celebratink in zer usual fashion, ve must first be retrievink all zer greasy frogs-"

"Ach, ve can celebrate like zat later vunce ve have found zer pickle jar. I am talkink about goink out to celebrate! Vhat are you sayink to Rudi's?"

"I zink ve are both sayink ein big, bouncy jawohl, mein Doktor!" Zer Aviator grabbed her new partners in ein big und sqwishy hug, zer inevitable results of vhich delayed zeir departure by roughly seven hours. After zat, und vunce zer girls had found some clozink zat remained un-gooped, zey journeyed off to Rudi's to celebrate zeir newly-minted Polyculenvanteneinencrackeren!

It vas beink ein fairly crowded evenink in Rudi's bierkeller, vizz many agents, support personnel, und miscellaneous lifeforms zat vere mostly zere for people to look at and go "Wow, zer Headqwarters of zer PPC ist beink ein big und diverse place vizz many interesting-but-still-humanoid-and-thus-boinkable aliens!" in attendance. Most everyvun had zer remains of ein cocktail or seven on zeir tables und vere in varying states of deshabillé, vhich informed zer Doktor (whom, it must be said, had razzer lost track) zat it vas indeed beink ein Vednesday. Zer Pink Trio vere lookink around for ein spare table vhen a call came up from vun of zer booths.

"Agent zer Aviator? Ist zat beink you? Come here, come here, please be comink to sit vizz us!"

Zer Aviator spun around. "Oh, mein Doktor, it ist beink mein friends Ix und Charlotte! I am thinkink ve should be sittink vizz zem und sharing our good news!"

"I am quite agreeink, meine kleine FlugzeugundTARDISmädchen! Onvard, to zer booth!"

Zer three squeezed zemselves into Ix und Charlotte's booth, ein protracted progress vhich (particularly in zer case of zer Aviator's sumptuous vomanly assets) necessitated zer use of butter und also sometimes ein crowbar. At last, zo, everyvun vas seated in ein vay vhich zhey found comfortable, or at least vas not beink involvink ein elbow to zer funbags.

"Oh, zat ist beink tremendous news," said Charlotte excitedly vunce zer Aviator had told zem er previous events, includink zer bits involvink zer rubber bicycle tyres und zer industrial-grade valrus costume. "I am - nein, ve are beink zo happy for you! Isn't zat right, liebling?"

"Oh, ja," said Ix, zo zere vas ein quietness to vhat she said. "Ve are both beink zo happy for you."

Doktor Trollenfisch picked up on zer tone immediately. "Meine kleine Gelegentlichpelzigtmädchen, vhatever ist beink zer matter!"

"Oh, Doktor, you are seeink through mein cunning emotional disguise, und noticink zat I am not beink mein usual happy-go-lucky und bouncy self!" Ix sighed und shook her head. "It ist nothink you can be beink helpink vizz anyvay. It ist not beink ein think vizz vhich anyvun can be beink helpink."

"If zere ist somezink you are needink to be gettink off your chest," zer Doktor began, but he vas beink interrupted almost immediately by ein sob from Agent Ix!

"Oh, mein Doktor, it ist vhat ist beink on mein chest zat ist zer problem! I vas practicink mein Potterverse magics und mein vand happened to backfire vhen I vas casting ein Engorgement Charm, und zhen, vell... zis happened!"

Zer ESAS Agent threw open her robes und pulled down zer front zipper of her skintight latex bodysuit (vhich zer Doktor had hitherto been unavare came in zer colours of Gryffindor House), to reveal ein huge pair of truly vomanly enormoboobs! How zer latex had been keepink zhem sqwished inside to zer point vhere nothink had been seemink amiss, zer Doktor did not know or indeed care to speculate.

"... You know, meine kleine Gelegentlichpelzigmädchen, zis might just be beink mein lucky day."

"Your lucky day?"

"Zat's right, your lucky day." Zer Doktor steeled himself for zer comink hardships, or at least for zer comink hardness. "I may vell be beink in possession of ein solution to your two big, swinging, jubblytastic problems, but zer treatment ist beink extremely complex und in-depth."

"Complex und in-depth! Oh, liebe Arceus! I am feelink zat I should be havink mein partner und mein liebling Charlotte zhere to be beink mein moral support, as vell as beink any uzzer type of zupport zat may end up beink necessary!"

"Und I vould be only too happy to do so, mein liebling," Charlotte said gently. "So, vat are you doink for zis curative process?"

"Vell, first I vill reqwire assurances from zer pair of you zat you vill be followink mein instructions to zer letter."

"Of course, Doktor," zhey chorused.

"No matter how unusual it may at first be seemink."

"Of course, Doktor."

"Or how it might involve simultaneously too much neoprene garmentry und yet somehow not qwite enough."

"Of course, Doktor."

"Echt klasse! Meine kleine Gelegentlichpelzigmädchen, meine kleine Funkelndeblutsaugermädchen, please be finishink your drinks und be accompanyink me to mein Responsezentrum post-haste! Zer sooner ve begin, zer sooner zer treatment plan vill be effective!"

Doktor Trollenfisch und zer four agents bounced out of zer booth und back to Responsezentrum Drei-Vier-Sieben, und zen zer Doktor's plan to treat Agent Ix's condition began in earnest. Zer four agents vorked in harmony to salve Ix's voes und make her be feelink deeply und personally satisfied. Zey began vizz zer Flickenbeanen, und followed zat up vizz zer Stonkingbiggenrackenjigglen, und zer final course - und medically speakink, zere could be beink no alternative - vas zer Rubberupundthoroughboinken, in vhich zer superhuman speed und strength of Agent Charlotte proved to be most useful, zough she did have to be reassured zat zer treatment vas necessary und technically legal as, courtesy of ein complex netvork of international treaties, Responsezentrum Drei-Vier-Sieben operated under zer auspices of zer Burkina Faso Subdepartment of Horizontal Greased-Veasel Tangos, und zerefore anyzink zat vas goink on in zer pool of (now refreshed) orange-flavoured jelly vas beink entirely above-board.

Eventually, all five agents made zeir vay back to Rudis, vere zer Hawaiian-themed decor und signs proclaiming it to be Andalite Karaoke Night told zer Aviator zat it vas beink ein Friday, und zerefore she owed Luxury ein tventy. (Tventy vhat, alas, ist beink unknown) Zey settled down in zer same booth as before, zough now Ix und Charlotte vere beink much closer to zeir newfound playmates.

"I... I vas havink not zer slightest notion zat I vas in such dire need of your help, mein Doktor," said Ix, whose speech vas beink most languid und relaxed now. "I cannot be thankink you enough."

"Nor can I," piped up Charlotte, "zo I am thinkink Agent Luxury ist havink zer many suggestions vhich involve zer chocolate trifle und zer beanbag chairs."

"Ach, meine kleine Gelegentlichpelzigmädchen, it vas beink zer very least I could be doink! Indeed, I should be beink thankful to you und to your partner for decidink to stay vizz us on ein permanent basis!"

At zis, Ix just blushed ein leetle bit und ran her finger over zer spiky pink surface of her new collar. "Vell, I never vant to feel zer vay I used to again. Und now I never vill."

Zer now-expanded Interlockenpolyculen chatted for ein bit, savourink zer atmosphere of closeness und zer feelink of extraordinarily tight latex in various different colours on zeir respective skins. Zat mood, zough, vas shattered vhen a small cough came from zer head of zer table.

"Vhat," said zer FicPsych representative, "ist goink on here?"

"Oh, Nurse Jenni!" Ix vas suddenly lookink hunted. "I vas not expectink to be seeink you here!"

"I am avare. I, however, vas expectink to be seeink you. Yesterday. Vhere vere you, mein leetle scamp?"

"I vas vith zer Doktor!"

"Hm. Und how do you feel about zer Doktor?"

Zere vas only going to be vun possible response to zat.

"Echt klasse!"

TO BE BEINK CONTINUDE AGAIN AGAIN!

Yeah, once I managed to decipher the German, this fic was fantastic.

Dangit Scrape! Why do you have to write stuff like this to outshine all the talentless hacks like myself? ;-)

Where it doesn't show the edit toolbar and more importantly who wrote it? I think I want to do a Fanfic World thing (since it's obvious you don't need permission to do so), but I have to use my school account which uses my real name, since the non-personal account I'm planning to make for this thing isn't up and running yet...

-Twistey

in the Discord

Here's the logs, which include the evidence:

---

Tomash - Today at 8:18 AM
Uh, so, having looked at the online list, @Moderator, I claim that @TooPurple ought be kicked from the chat for the following reason. Either:
1) @TooPurple is Toroll, and is therefore ban evading. Evidence for this is that their underlying username, aghwrg#9161, matches the pattern of usernames used by Toroll, and their server nick is set to a username Bram intends to use, which shows they're trying to stir up drama.; or
2) @TooPurple is Bram, who is still banned, which means that account has been created for ban evasion

Either way, there is strong evidence that someone (even if I don't know who) is evading their ban.
Maslab - Today at 8:19 AM
Hmmm
I agree
They have been kicked, but not banned
IF they wish to dispute that they can come back and message me

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- Tomash

I don't know how to phrase this terribly well - thinking is confusing - but I definitely know that I do not want Bram back in here yet.

Last time this came up, I was the one to start the thread, because Bram contacted me and - after a few conversations - asked me to. And I was absolutely, positively terrified the entire time. A big part of it was that I love it here and would have been positively crushed if I had been asked to leave or unofficially shunned for that, but that was most certainly not all of it.

I will not say that Bram was taking advantage of how nice I can be, or how strongly I feel about helping people. I will freely admit to being something of a people-pleaser, but I very highly doubt that that was Bram's intention, and how would e know that it actually physically pains me, to one degree or another, to say the words "I can't help you"?

I gave Bram a chance to reasonably explain eimself to me without having to wade through everything everyone else had to say about eim, and then proceeded to ask other people for their versions of the story, because I believe in getting all sides of a story before passing any kind of judgement. (That belief goes a little ways out the window when I am contacted very late at night by a drunk person, though.)

What's really bothering me, I suppose, is exactly what Scape said: Bram has openly admitted to being manipulative. Now, I will be the first to admit that this is a touch hypocritical coming from me, because I am also a manipulative person-whose-parents-were-never-married. However, the distinction I'm making (and please do correct me if I'm wrong here) is that I know very, very well when to stop messing with people and get serious. I know when it's not okay to be the Chessmistress. And never, never, do I attempt to be manipulative when it's not a game. And I'm not entirely sure the same can be said about Bram - I'm actually fairly certain it can't be, or at least not without a modifier or two.

For the time being, I rest my case.

--Calliope

I think that abstentions shouldn't be added to denominator when computing the percentage of voters for or against something, but that should count towards quorum totals ("at least X people post"). From a quick check of Google and Wikipedia, it appears to be how a lot of places that vote on stuff do it.

The reason for this is that, if we count explicit "meh" votes as their category, we can create some really silly situations. For example, suppose that, on some question that isn't about cats (with the 60% vote threshold to change anything), one person votes "Yes" and everyone else posts "I like kittens (nm)". This makes the vote pass, under the current rules. However, if everyone else instead posted "I abstain (nm)", the vote fails. This feels really weird.

In practice, this means that X unanimous people can be X people who either vote for/against something or explicitly abstain, as long as there's someone in there who actually had an opinion.

- Tomash

I was walking into Rudis when I noticed Nume sitting at a corner table. I walked over. "Hi", I said.

"Hi", He said back. He looked mad and sad.

"Are you okay?", I asked.

"Yea", He said and I smiled. "Aw, it's okay, you don't have to lie to me. I'm sorry if I upsetted you when I slept with Jacques but he was so hot and I couldn't help myself"

"I'm not hot?", He said and I laughed.

"You are but I'm not and I'll never be good enough for you", I sayed sadly and began to cry long tears of sad.

"Jessa you are perfect", Nume said taking my tiny small delicate flower hand in his strong big chiseled ones

I couldn't believe it and I ran out of the room crying because he was lying to me!!!

AN: Oh wow, isn't that sad? Poor Jessa! True love is soooo hard.

Since that text was rather concerning, I went through the edit history to figure out when in was added and by who. It was added in the following edit, which was (barring account takeovers) made by ... Bram. At that link, the left column is the text of the previous version, while the right text is the version introduced by the edit in question (which shows the paragraph under discussion was added in that revision).

- Tomash

In my capacity as someone who probably got (and continues to get) more lifelines than they probably should have, I understand how important a second, third, fourth, fifth, and eleventy-squillion-and-sixth chance can be. I also understand how they can feel to the person who gets them; to me, they always felt like a way out of a stupid situation that I'd gotten into because of my comprehensive inability to control either my depression, my anxiety, or my anger. Believe me when I tell you how much I understand the importance of having a community to support you, not as therapists but as friends with a shared interest.

So why on God's green Earth am I still voting for this block?

I don't know Bram all that well, but I remember the fallout from their being here before - both as Bram and as zdimensia (hey, remember that?). I remember Bram saying outright that they manipulate people as a matter of course, and that they did so to Neshomeh in order to be allowed back into the PPC in the first place. That's what rubs me up the wrong way about all this - the history of known manipulation and deceit on Bramandin's part. That's also what gives me pause about Bram's request for a mediator/mentor/parole officer/whathaveyou - it's a good idea in theory, but in practice I doubt its efficacy given Bram's history of self-admitted manipulation.

I'm also not a fan of some of the phrasing in the request. Bram states explicitly that any potential mentors must "attempt to explain how her actions differ from apparently identical actions taken by other Boarders" should the need arise. Frankly? That sounds like sour grapes. It sounds like someone who still thinks "But Thorin Oakenshield did it" is actually an argument. It sounds like someone who, instead of admitting when they're wrong and apologising, even if they don't necessarily mean it, will dig in their heels and cause yet more enormously derailed threads full of squabbling and discontent.

I don't think we need that any more.