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The first paragraph doesn't grab me. I am interested when it starts showing that she has PTSD.

As she is examining herself in the mirror, I don't feel anything. There was a flash of sympathy when she decided not to fall back to sleep.

I'm reacting more to her having cut her hair than to her cleaning her sensitive burns. A feeling of wanting to restore a feeling of normalcy.

I feel like I should have a reaction to her eating frozen waffles. I'm a little irritated that she was watching the news, but it was unimportant.

I'm interested when she's waiting for the train, and thinking about why she takes it. The word "penance" sticks out for me, it makes me feel bad.

I'm curious about the man, but agreeing with her that it's nothing. Just the wind, nothing to worry about. I'm imagining the Randolf street L station downtown, but I know that's wrong.

I'm getting a little bit of head-hopping when she's talking to her boss. She doesn't know that there wasn't much more he could say.

Why did she feel the need to say that they're on the twelve floor? We don't know, but her boss should.

I'm feeling disoriented when she's jostled by the crowd at the light. Intrigued at how there aren't window washers.

For a moment, I was in the dark and muggy Metra electric train station underground. I have a feeling that's also the wrong place, like she's outside and not at a trains-are-parked end of the line.

Again, from memory, but I think it's June and July of 2014.

I was wrong to think that I had to interact on the board to get permission. It got worse as I felt more attacked and ignored. There was a joke about how someone couldn't understand that my character was a Mary-Sue for five minutes, and then a vampire for five centuries. It made me feel that I would be mocked for being weird, and increased the stress, which made it harder to communicate.

I think that there was no malice behind it, but it seems that having a problem with the permission process is a grave sin.

I began by being too open and honest about my plans. I revealed that my first team wasn't my main team, and then was asked to use my mains. It seems the only solution would have been to lie about who my main team was so that I could use my first team.

That team was a lot more complicated, and didn't fit the prompts. Bramandin had the flexibility to write whatever he wanted to know his characters. zdimensia was stuck trying to know them outside of the PPC, which wouldn't have identified the problem, or writing them out of character.

I wrote that "I don't want to use these characters" and got no response. A few weeks later, I wrote "my characters don't fit the prompts." Someone noted that I was getting frustrated, but I was too shy to respond.

When I noted that the permission process was confusing, someone asked me how, but I got no response when I explained things. The permission process page was adjusted later, after it would do me no good. I do feel that I was hazed by having to use characters that didn't quite fit the formula, but people just assumed that I was complaining because I couldn't write.

I admit that I didn't use a beta. It was part of how the permission process page is confusing. I've made an adjustment. I got convinced that I couldn't use a beta. I got a little bit of confusing feedback early on, and following it made things worse.

Neshome changed "my characters wouldn't do this" to "I don't like the prompts." It's the language from the FAQ, showing that she was going off of preconceptions rather than actually listening. I was too scared to correct her.

That's actually a co-write with SkarmorySilver. the other Mission is "Fear Fear Itself". And then there's the Interlude... They are all linked in my main character's page.

The game idea sounds kinda interesting...

Think it was called "KnightFail" or something. Sounds hilarious.

Funny thing, I might include a slight reference to the PPC in one of my games. The game will be called "Sue VS Sue," and it'll be like Mortal Kombat or something, a one-on-one fighting game except with Mary Sues. There'll be something about a "monster" living underneath the arena that feeds on Sues' power, and one of the possible deaths for a character will be that they're pulled underground by a vine-tentacle. (Like a captured Flower gone crazy. Or something.) It's going to be quite a funny game, I just know it. :)

-Twistey

I've seen them a few times (looks like a dude but I can't be sure without chancing that I'm wrong), but I can't remember their name! They had a swirly-looking curl, glasses, a fuzzy coat, and a pet polar bear.

Maybe we should go into Hetalia canon and ask the other countries who we're looking for?

-Twistey

I'm doing this from memory, but the archives from August of 2014 should have the truth.

Oh, she volunteered to leave for a few months. Let's take a three-month ban out of the choices because it won't be punishment anyway.

It's also where people noticed that I had trouble communicating on the board. Samuri said that I was a different person in googledocs. People lamented that I hadn't been given a big sis.

Punished for what, exactly? For not being listened to? For having a disability that makes it hard to communicate? For having trouble with the permission process? For not being told clearly what you wanted me to do?

Probably getting more into July than August here. You kept telling me to get permission, I was well beyond done with explaining that I was having a problem. (If you had listened to me and talked to me, there wouldn't have been a problem.) When I did what you told me to do, I was banned.

When you said I needed permission, I did step back and work on things that were allowed. I just didn't clearly explain what I was doing.

You said to rely on the wiki that had let me down. No one explained until later that just because it's a canonical PPC story doesn't mean it fits into PPC canon. I'm still confused on how I was supposed to know that. I think that somehow I had to guess what the PG's headcanon was.

If someone had said, "The issue is the questions" it could've been solved a lot faster. I can't read your mind, and I can't interpret subtext.

I didn't know I was supposed to vote. Even so, it wasn't 70% concensus.

If I had been allowed to voluntarily leave for a few months, or even allowed to stay, you would have seen me calm down.

What I did wrong was care what you think. What I did wrong was to try to make you happy and completely missing it.

I that post from June 2015, I can't focus to read it right now,

but I remember being called delusional, troll, unhealthy, arrogant,

Someone questioned whether I had a point, if people were villainising me. It didn't matter because the problem was gone and every person involved was happy about it.

I wasn't even aware then that I was autistic. I thought my weirdness was nurture,

but you ascribed malice where there was none. ALL THE TIME.

I think perhaps that I need a mediator and translator. It's been noticed that I communicate better off of the board.

I don't know this canon, but that largely didn't affect my reading. You said this is an excerpt from a longer fic; I'm not sure if the beginning of this passage is also the beginning of the fic, but it's an excellent beginning either way. I immediately started to get a sense of both characters' personalities from their dialogue and movement/body language, supplemented by the slightly-Hitch's-point-of-view narration. You do a great job of expressing Hitch being pulled between staying professional in a formal setting and being bored enough to want to play a game. You also get across the fact that Hitch clearly respects Ruby a good deal, despite the age difference, and trusts her enough to start playing this game in public without expecting any really terrible consequences.

Despite the very excellent characterization right at the opening, I do think the setting needs a bit more description early on. Knowing that the party is so packed that Ruby has to squeeze between people to move away from Hitch colors the conversation about playing the lemon game, as it implies that it will be harder to move the lemon around without being seen—but we don't know it's that busy until the end of that scene. Knowing more of the party's layout would also be useful for mentally visualizing the lemon's different locations. In particular, the sentence, "It took him nearly ten minutes and a momentary false alarm with somebody’s brightly-colored yellow handbag to track down the lemon, which was almost smugly resting on a drinks tray carried by a tuxedo-clad waiter," feels rather empty, and like a bit of a cop-out, as it's too hard to see in my mind's eye what Hitch could have been doing in that time without knowing the layout of the party. However, I recognize that this may just be the result of this sequence being removed from a larger story, so I may simply be missing information here that is supplied in the final version.

A couple of formatting notes:
Firstly, on the internet, it's typically easier to read multiple paragraphs when there's a line between each one (double spacing), rather than simply indenting. I know this may have been copied and pasted from another format, but it does make the words from different sentences run together in some spots here on the Board.

Secondly, you typically want to use different lengths of line for hyphens and dashes. You use hyphens correctly already between the words in adjective phrases ("Hitch corrected half-heartedly"). For the dash that separates parts of sentences or represents an interruption, you need a longer line. "'My gosh, sir, I’m so sorry- I didn’t see where I was going!'" should look like "'My gosh, sir, I’m so sorry—I didn’t see where I was going!'" That long dash doesn't exist as a key on most keyboards, but there are two easy ways to do it. My preference is to use the html code "& mdash;" without the space which creates "—". You can also hold down the "alt" key while typing in "0151" in the square number pad on the right side of the keyboard, which produces "—" . Which is actually a lot better, because you can see it right on the page as you type, so that might be my new preference.

Also, some multiple-word adjective phrases don't need the hyphen in between the words—namely, the ones that have adverbs ending in "-ly." So "cleverly-hidden lemon" can just be "cleverly hidden lemon."

I went to the hospital that day. I scared my husband and he was released from work to come get me. I was talking about taking his gun and shooting myself.

For years, I've been shouting at the walls, "Why won't you say that you're not proud of that?"

It's not a secret anymore. You can talk about it.

http://technodann.github.io/PPC-board-2.0/archive/

Keep in mind that I'm autistic and can't do tone. Pay attention to what I am trying to say, not how I am saying it.

http://technodann.github.io/PPC-board-2.0/archive/2015/06b.html#post-122507

I have always felt like I wasn't listened to. There is so much to go through that it will take time. I can't do this quickly.

I feel like no amount of self-reflection will make your mistakes my fault. I feel like I can't even imply that boarders make mistakes without being attacked.

I have so much more to say.

So, just getting this out of the way: Even though I've seen the names of these characters in the #Rudi's RP room, I didn't bother to memorize their author, so I may be the only person here who has no idea who you are.

This also means I don't really know Finch and Bingle going in to this, either by description, origin canons, or established personalities. However, I found that doesn't really hurt this piece at all. You write both agents to have immediately identifiable voices, even without Finch's dialogue being always bolded. I also gleaned the two most critical details needed to understand this story (Finch is a robot and floats) very early on. (We get Bingle's identity as a bald wizard later on, too, but since that doesn't directly impact the story, its lateness is immaterial.) The personalities and speaking styles of the two agents are as close to being perfect foils to each other as one could ever expect, and it makes for very enjoyable dialogue.

In fact, this story is driven almost entirely by dialogue, with narration being used in just the right amounts to get across necessary information (Finch's "species", the travel). It makes for an incredibly fast-paced read, which matches the whimsical, light-hearted tone in a great way. I quite enjoyed the overall tone, for the most part; the one part that I disliked is the use of sound effects in text, as I'm the type to mentally read them all out, and it does get a bit silly in places. That said, it again matches the tone, so I'm willing to write that off as not jiving with my personal preferences, rather than something that needs fixing. (And I certainly couldn't argue that textual sound effects have no place in the PPC. [BEEEEEEP!])

My one complaint—again, a subjective one—is that more isn't done with the "seeing everything backwards" gag. That's quite an original and clever idea, but we only see it applied to Bingle's hands and hair. I realize the shortness of this piece restricts you a bit, but it still would have been fun to see more of the malfunction explored. Perhaps we'll see another follow-up story in DoSAT?

And again, I really liked the interplay between your agents, and I do hope you get permission some day so we can enjoy them in missions.

Hmmm. Given her mental problems, is she capable of improving her behavior. There are chances that she may slip.

Does the board need to protect itself from Scape? Yes.

One month at a time is not unreasonable. We should at least be able to see her putting effort in improving.

(This seemed like the best place to say so.)

I was busy hanging out with my in-laws and having an important choir performance, so I haven't been online all weekend. Just in case anyone was wondering. I'll try to get back on track this week. I know there's more work to do.

~Neshomeh

testing

bramandintook@gmail.com

AKA just wanting confirmation on the what/where/when's of the London Gathering 2017.

I apologize if this is hard to understand. My thoughts are normally scattered, but I can't calm down. I'm shaking, and shouldn't have drove. I'm feeling suicidal.

I'm sorry to have lied to you. Keep in mind that I have been here since February of 2016.

zdimensia is a myth. That the PPC never did anything to provoke her is a lie.

Unblock my IP so that I can talk to you from home. I must be allowed to speak.

'This' being both, y'know, this, and a couple of other game threads I've made ("Congratulations, you're falling into [canon]", Gallifreyan Scrabble, and... something else? I forget).

1/ PPCers like games like this, weird one-of-a-kind threads.

2/ The more complicated things are, the fewer people will get involved. There were far more responses to the canon game than this one, with its hex grid and all.

3/ Multiple-choice is good. Multiple choice with 'or anything you like' is better.

4/ Anything which runs longer than ten turns/a week is liable to go unfinished. It's deep enough that new people don't feel like they can jump in, the people who've already taken part feel like they've explored the options enough, and I start to get tired, introducing more lag.

Which is all fine! It's good information to carry through to the next game, whenever I get an inspiration. It does mean it's unlikely we'll ever play PPC Cluedo on the Board, or PPC Munchkin, but given that it's been years since I had the idea to run a Cluedo game and I've never tried, that was inevitable anyway.

I'm still happy to play this one out if people are interested; don't read this as me closing the game. :) Just thinking about the next one...

hS

There is nothing in here that makes me care about the characters. In the first sample, they both wander into HQ, but they don't come across as upset, interested, surprised, confused... anything. There's no emotion there at all. Just he said/she said dialogue.

I can see you're aware of that being a problem and have tried to work on it. You've managed to avoid them being literal talking heads - there's a fair amount of movement in both stories. But none of that is translating into emotion. Take a look at these examples:

“What? Normally, humans just catch us in a Pokéball.” Shadow glared at Canopus. “If you try, I will make you stop.”
Canopus picked Shadow up, causing him to struggle.
“Put me down!”
“Fine.” Canopus placed him on the floor.

Why did Canopus pick Shadow up? Because he was annoying? Because she wanted to show her strength? Because she found it funny? Absolutely no idea. And why did she put him down? Again, there's no emotion there - it feels like "Verbal input 'put me down' received; executing command."

“... Shadow, the food’s worse than what I had in Tokyo and that’s saying something.” Canopus slapped the hand away. “Trust me on that one.”
Shadow frowned before focusing. A pile of toxic waste appeared in front of the door.
“Are you trying to dissuade me with that?” Canopus raised an eyebrow. “Some demons are worse than that.”
“Like what?” asked Shadow. Canopus pulled out her phone.
“Well, there’s Foul Slime, for one. Look.” She showed Shadow the picture.
“Okay. that could be worse. Anyway…” Shadow blinked and both the door and the console disappeared. “I’m not letting you go.”

This one goes even more into the no emotion. Shadow has no reason for creating the pile (I assume that was an attack? Or just an illusion?). Canopus doesn't find it amusing, or mildly disgusting, or contemptuous. Shadow has no reaction to being flatly rebuffed, nor does he find the picture she shows him disgusting, informative, horrifying... anything. "Visual input received; executing next dialogue."

Then there's the dialogue itself. It looks like you're suffering from what I usually call Cowrite Disease, where both characters try and cram as much information as possible into their dialogue, and reply to everything. Only... people don't work like that. If I walked up to you and said "Hi, my name's Huinesoron, how are you doing? Also would you like a cookie? And by the way, I've got this new story you might like to check out, what's your email address?", you'd a) think I was crazy, and b) say something like "Uh, I'd love a cookie, thanks... what's this about a story?"

What you wouldn't say is: "Hi, I'm CodeCom, I'm doing fine. A cookie sounds nice! Anyway, wow, I'd really like to read it, here's my email address. By the way, what's your favourite colour? And have you ever played any Pokemon games?"

Now look at this:

“What?!” the grey demon spun on its four legs. “I’m a Pokémon, not a demon. Whatever that is.”
“Trying to lie, huh? I’m pretty sure you’re a demon, though I’ve never seen one like you.” Canopus pulled out her smartphone and flicked to the Demon Summoning App. “What happened to all my demons?! What the hell?!”
“I’m not a demon! I’m a Zorua!” the demon took a few steps back. “And there’s no need to threaten me. Everyone knows what a Pokemon is, at least.”
“Well, I don’t. And it doesn't matter what your species is, that still makes you a demon.” Canopus glared down at her smartphone. “Great, I’m also stuck with all the weak skills. Why am I telling you this anyway?”

It's not quite so blatant as my examples, but you've definitely got multi-threaded conversation there. It's a very easy trap to fall into, because that is how people talk online. A lot of my early missions do the same thing (and co-writes are particularly prone to it). But it also feels nothing like actual conversation.

Okay, so at this point I think it's clear I'm going to say Permission denied, but don't let that dissuade you! You're doing an awful lot of things right. Your spelling etc is good; you've avoided Talking Heads Disorder (well done!); you clearly know a bit about PPC HQ; you've managed to keep your characters consistent across two stories. A bit of work on getting them to talk like people and react like non-robots and you'll be set. (For the former, try reading the dialogue out, and work out what you'd say in response; if you'd like, I'll scribble down some 'faux-Shadow replies' to Canopus' dialogue in the first story, to show you what I mean.)

Moving on to some other points I noticed:

-It's standard in online writing to leave an empty line between paragraphs. If you don't want to do that (for some reason?), at least indent the first line; it makes reading much easier.

-When you fixed that line Bramandin pointed out, you left it as 'I only work with people only for a mission.' That's two 'only's in a row, which sounds super weird (read it out!); I think you were originally aiming for 'I only work with people on a mission'.

-'Shadow stalked over and punched Shadow in the face.' Shadow, I know you can make illusory copies of yourself, but don't get carried away. ;)

-Looking now at your bios (I tend to avoid them until I need to read them; I prefer to get character information from the stories):

--Both your characters are presented as being interesting primarily for their emotions, and the interplay between them - reserved Canopus (who has a hidden fun side) and playful Shadow (who can be irritating when he doesn't shut up). But... well, see previous comments about emotions in your writing. The only reason I know from your stories that Canopus is reserved is that she flat-out says it. Ditto for Shadow being a prankster. It's a really interesting dynamic you have planned, but right now it isn't coming across in your writing.

--I have no problems with the powers and backgrounds; two things, though:

a) Canopus is a trained, jaded, scarred and emotionally-battered professional at 17? Is that... common in her 'verse?

b) Do Zorua normally have names? Most Pokemon don't unless they're captured. I remember having this same conversation about Skarm's agent Falchion.

--Be aware that we have another (mute) Zorua in HQ.

--RC numbers are normally... well... numbers. Check the list. '4SMT4A' strays quite a bit further from that than normal.

-I have no issues with the badfic you've chosen.

If anyone can offer better advice than me on the emotional issue, I'd appreciate it; I'm aware that I haven't been very clear.

hS

I'll remember the thing about formatting next time, whoops. -_- All your other feedback is excellent and valid, and I'll definitely try to put a bit of work into it based off this. I've had a bit of trouble writing this lately.

I'll definitely post a link if/when we deanon- or if i ever finish it.

(Also, the... er, 'other meaning' of lemon is completely unintentional. I don't want to think about that.)