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I have a brand I use for my mini-balrog, not sure if that would be of interest.

Which verse are you thinking from? There seams to be a shortage from the mundane world at the moment, something about a plague going around there or something.

You got bat-polish? Or some kind of polish? My bat’s looking smudged and I can’t have that.

or whatever you have. Happy Thanksgiving. (Hi. I'm Claire. I'm one of the newer newbies around here. :))

I've got your next order of Monstrous Nightmare Gel all ready to go. Can you please remember not to send the mini-Balrogs to pick it up this time? I have a kid. The risk of blowing up the RC is way less funny than it used to be.

I'll take my usual supply of Dragon Chow, and if you ever happen to come across a bottle of that one Pernese wine, whatsit, Bended or something, would you let me be the first to know? I wanna see what all the fuss is about, and also it would make amazing partner-bribing material.

(( That's Benden wine, red, to be exact. ^_^

(( Adulting is hard. Best of luck with that!

~Neshomeh ))

(( ETA: Missing word. Also, our new Board has an edit function! ))

Not sure of the terminology, but that could be not a past tense verb, but... the other thing. As a synonym for "One portal created, two agents out of the badfic."

hS

Some thoughts as I read:

Oh, that opening line is great! Could be simplified for easier reading, but very good effect.

I appreciate the ridiculousness of Kaguya's "angry mode." I bet it's fun coming up with the silly things that happen around him. ^_^

Hm, charging for an image as a chapter header (as I read it) seems harsh. I think that's an appropriate place to have a picture. I guess the images are used in place of description later in the story, but in this first instance it isn't clear that's happening.

Urg, all those extra spaces around the punctuation marks in the fic's text. That is not a thing in English orthography. >.< The narration isn't suffering from run-on sentences, though; as you say later, all the short clauses and the repetition of words actually make it pretty choppy. Perhaps you meant "rambling narration"? Similar concept, easily confused.

I agree with hS's critique of the floating scene. As readers, we naturally trace lines of cause and effect from one sentence to the next, one paragraph to the next, so the description of the agents floating followed by Kaguya observing the extra spaces leads us to believe that he's remarking on it because he's realized that's why they are floating. That's why it's confusing when your narrator then tells us neither agent understands what's going on. (Also, I don't know why Kaguya is yelling at Momoka, since she didn't even say anything—and he must be yelling at her, because there's no one else he ought to be talking to.)

I don't blame the formless narrator for not wanting to describe the two characters turned into rooms. Oh dear. {X D

"as his eyes were glued on the Words" - You know, you're going to have to be careful using figurative language around Kaguya. I have no reason other than the thin shreds of my own sanity not to think his eyeballs are somehow literally stuck to the Words right now. Even though the Words don't even have a physical form (unless the agents brought a print-out, which I don't think they did).

I tried to Google monaka to figure out a) what it is, and b) why a dessert would have anything to do with divine retribution (per Momoka's interpretation of Kaguya's ranting). Instead I found out it's also the name of a Dragon Ball Super character. I was trying not to complain about using unfamiliar non-English words without explaining them, but I am now more confused than when I started.

"MUSCULAR MALES NAKED !" made me laugh. Can't fault Momoka's reaction, either. {= )

"lethargically raged" - Is this a badfic quote you forgot to color-code? Either way, I'd recommend expanding on exactly how the bad descriptions manifest in the characters' activities. What does "lethargic rage" look like in action?

Typo: "was lead by Sue-poster" should be "was led by Sue-poster."

"putting a non-sword on the team"; "turning the two naginata into walking posters" - Hold up, are "sword" and "naginata" terms for something besides literal swords in this world? It would help for that to be explained early on, and possibly for those terms to be set off by capital letters. When the Sue was described as going to "live with the sword" at the beginning, I thought it was just weird writing meaning she was going to get a magical and/or speshul weapon she'd have to learn about.

Does "BGM" stand for background music? If so, it's redundant to say Momoka thought she could hear it playing "in the background."

They just crumple the Sue-poster up? Ah, poetic justice for failure to use written descriptions. I love it. ^_^

"One portal cracked open, two agents out of the badfic for good." - There's a verb or something missing here. Perhaps "One portal cracked open; two agents [went out of / left] the badfic for good"? Note also that you should use a semicolon, not a comma, if you want to join two independent clauses like this. You could also use the conjunction "and" instead of a semicolon.

You told hS that Momoka is not bothered by Kaguya teasing her about struggling as a chibi, but you also describe that "She puffed her cheeks out in brief annoyance," which shows us she is bothered. Remember, the reader naturally draws connections between one line and the next like this. If you want us to see that it doesn't bother her, show us that she responds with a smile, or rolls her eyes, or something like that instead.

And that's the mission! Overall, it was fun. I like Kaguya's oblivious goofiness and Momoka's quiet competence, and I look forward to the moment Kaguya realizes how much of a dork he actually is. I understand that Momoka sees him through rose-tinted glasses, but I beg the formless narrator to remember that the fact that he can speak a language well and look cool at the climax does not negate the fact that he was ridiculous the whole rest of the time. This is not a bad thing! It's funny for a guy like that to take himself too seriously as long as he gets called out on it one way or another. {= )

I made some notes about punctuation and quotation marks, but there weren't that many mistakes, and this post is long enough already, so I'll put them in a separate post.

My critiques are mostly minor, technical ones that will absolutely improve with practice. Therefore, I agree with hS, and I hereby declare Permission Granted! Congratulations!

~Neshomeh

Sue Blood would counteract the effects of the intended exorcism, which I did find out the hard way once. Incidentally, for completely unrelated purposes, would you happen to know who runs the Inconvenience Store? There is a rumour it is you just trying to repackage unwanted General Store stock, but you are clearly not as dedicated to inconveniencing customers...

((Hi! Nice to have you back, though I think I might've missed you the first time around -- I was here 2008-2014. ~Lily Winterwood))

And have a good Thanksgiving, too!

Hi, I was enjoying the blank stares that I was getting Neshomeh. Hehehe.

Been good, trying to do this adulting thing. Interesting to see who is still here and what has changed (ie, the whole board location!!!!111). As for the reunion thread, darn! That would have been fun.

Leto

Long time no see! How's it going?

You missed the Big PPC Reunion Thread earlier this year, but maybe this will kick off another one. Hey, I can dream. And I am very thankful for every time old friends come by to visit. {= )

BTW, to help out any confused newbies, Leto Haven is both a distinguished oldbie and his character of the same name. They are responsible for writing/running the PPC General Store (which also serves OFUM and other members of the Canon Protection Initiative).

~Neshomeh

Hi, looking for something in particular? Or just recovering from the latest effects of Bleeprin?

Hmmmm, I have a packet or two next to the exorcism candles I think. As for the ink, seem to only have deep red or distilled sue blood. Wouldn’t go with the blood though, the effects are….. unpredictable……

And of course I cannot get any of that at the Inconvenience Store, as that would be too convenient for me.

Blink

Hi all, just here to wish a very happy Thanksgiving to all.

Bleeprin is on sale at half price for the next hour, or until supplies run out, at the PPC general Store.

Chocolate is still off limits to all not species that does not have it in their continuum. This rule is strictly enforced by Smeagul and Pheonix. Do not try and cross them….

Leto

The book was quite good and has a lot of twists and turns - and also ... aaaaaaaaaa. [concerned noises after ending]

I romanize Japanese names a bit differently from most other fans of Japanese works: I actually use the macron in rendering long vowels (Kashū, Kōsetsu). Thus, my spelling of the characters' names are different from the fic's, but since the one seen in the fic is still considered accepted romanization, it doesn't create minis.

Final verdict from Nessie is still pending 😅

Use your powers wisely!!

Kaguya is the son of a rich family, and Momoka is his maid. This as well as the former's operating in two "modes" are elaborated on further in the profiles in the mission request.

The omniscient narrator works well for comedy. Do you read anything that uses that? It seemed like an inspiration sort of thing. I look forward to getting to know your characters better. I'm a bit confused at the "young master" concept and what exactly that entails in the context of their relationship? "Angry mode" is also a bit awkward as a description. Overall, this was a fun mission to read. And I also found it hilarious that the Sue started using random Demon Slayer moves. Unannounced crossovers, such a delight.

I have been busy with... things.

Shared Crossover Universes are all very different in origin, but usually, they're more Superhero-y or Anime-y then anything, with a spare few (like Krimzonverse) having different origins.

Guardian-Verse stars Wolfblade, for instance, who is just a regular dude in wolf armor that wields a sword, but features very 'power-wanky' Saiyans, a lot of (maybe slightly bigoted) 'fixing' of modern installments of new things, and a fanchild between Wolfblade and his love interest, Daisy Johnson from Agents of SHIELD...

Vice-Verse is hard to discern much of anything from, but it's known for some pretty overpowered takes on established characters. Vice is the lead character, who is a Sonic OC, but is also something called 'Truth', which may be more overpowered then most 2000s fanfiction author's OCs... Also, it takes place in a post-apocalyptic world, and it's assumed Truth did the Apocalypse here.

Krimzonverse is a reboot of the previously-mentioned on the board Crossover Chaos, put forth in the SCU style. Probably one of the better ones here, even if Elaine (Joe Kido) is written rather 'trans woman chaser'-y still. I find the concept of an SCU using stuff other then DBZ and comic books to be fantastic, but I think the wacky execution of this SCU makes it suffer at least a little bit.

I don't know too much about practically any of the others, as I am currently doing research on ones that aren't these ones, that don't post facts frequently.

I also note that the SCU currently has a villain from one I don't know too much about, the Crossverse, menacing these ones above, among other ones I don't know too much about.

and I'm staying right here because I'm not going to do nothing and have all of Narnia to be turned into a death desert," said Rebecca.

I love fantasy/sci-fi stuff. I think I will have to check this out. -Claire