Subject: So This Time Lord Walks Into A Bar...
Author:
Posted on: 2017-03-24 23:06:00 UTC

I'm a machine.

It was an odd thought, even by the standards of Time Lords. Of course she wasn't actually a machine. There were no hidden cogs or artificial myomers lurking beneath the skin; her experiences in the Time War had given her ample opportunity to check, sometimes from several directions at once. The Notary thought back on those mad days of pain, the ones she'd convinced herself she'd left behind like a badly-developed photo of someone else's skiing holiday... then she stopped, and took another long swig from her glass of amasec, and turned over the page in the Rudi's accounting dataslate.

She knew her drinking was excessive. Knowing and caring were two very different things. Her former self - the one she'd been forcibly reintroduced to by a Sue-Wraith of monstrous proportions - had drank excessively because she attended all the best parties in all the most fashionable galaxies, because she was welcome there. Her roaring years. A girl in every spaceport, sometimes with her atrocious megacorp husband's private army filling the air with laser fire ever so slightly too far behind. So many came with her, over the years. One stayed, though, just the one. The only one that version of her had ever needed.

She was so lost in her reminiscing that she didn't notice who had sat down next to her.

"How're you holding up?"

"Hmwha? Oh. Hello, Agent the Clown. Wobbles the Agent? I'm still not quite sure of the protocol-"

"Try friend."

"I don't have any friends. You've been inside my head, you know that better than anyone, with the possible exception of Moon Moon. And that entirely depends on how much she remembers through the fug of regeneration sickness..."

"Well, ya won't with that attitude. Try it out! See how it feels."

"I..." The Notary paused. "You're not filming this, are you?"

"Uh, where exactly am I gonna put a camera and not have it explode?"

"You know exactly what I mean. Is this a bit? A little skit for your television program wherein the kiddies all get to laugh at how the mean, nasty Time Grump," and there had never been so much venom in those two words, "just wants to be loved deep down? Will they be laughing at the thought of a vicious old bag with too many dead behind her just wanting to be cared for? Hell, I'd settle for being cared about these days, and not just someone waiting to write an obituary that would've constituted a poison pen letter had I been alive."

"In vino veritas, I guess. Or in... stuff that smells like wood polish veritas. What even is that?"

"Amasec. In the grim darkness of the far future there is only war, except when they stop fighting and drink this stuff. Want some?"

"Uh, sure, I'll bite. Chyeah, that's how you know I'm not filming. No alcohol refs in the 2-11 demo." Wobbles took a small, tentative sip... then made a noise like a cat trying to projectile-vomit into a malfunctioning garbage disposal unit.

The Notary couldn't help but throw back her head and howl with laughter, nearly knocking the dataslate off the bar. "Oh, Wobbles, your face is a picture!"

"I REGRET EVERYTHING. EVER."

"I'd take a photo, but that'd be grossly hypocritical."

Wobbles had a pithy rejoinder at the ready, but she was too busy trying to scrape her tongue clean with a folding steel wig comb. "How can you sit there and drink that, Notary?"

"Very easily. I perch on a barstool, raise it to my lips, and swallow. Then I repeat the process until there are at least three barstools. It's an intense training regime, but I like to think I've become something of an expert."

"Gawd, Notary, that pun was worse than how that stuff tasted. I didn't think that was possible!"

"Nothing's impossible with the judicious application of self-belief, alcohol, and zero talent for the task involved."

"Ugh. Hey, um, sir? My usual, please. And make it a double." The barman nodded, though he looked a bit pale.

The Notary, still smiling, looked at Wobbles. "You have a usual? I've barely ever seen you in here."

"My therapist and I used to come here a lot when I was in FicPsych, and the gang here never forget a drink order."

"Huh. Live and learn."

"How's your own FicPsych stuff going?"

"Well, we haven't gone out for a drink yet, if that's what you're asking." The Notary shrugged. "I'm taking it slow. It's a big step, and I've been out of the decrazification pool for a while now. I've been considering water wings."

Wobbled snrgled, a weird snorting sort of laughter that seemed slightly out of place coming out of a clown's painted face; it was more suitable by far for the person underneath. "Y'know, you're actually pretty funny when you're not beating people up."

"Thank you for saying so - Rassilon's bones, woman, what the hell is that?"

"My drink order!" Wobbles beamed.

The barman, struggling somewhat under the weight of it, had set a frankly enormous milkshake on the bar beside Wobbles with an audible crash. The word milkshake, though, didn't do it justice. When milkshakes went to meet the Great Big Flavoured Milk Product In The Sky, this was what they thought such a being would look like. There were crushed pecans. There was ice cream. There was whipped cream. There was something a passing Flareon inwardly hoped was chocolate custard. There were miniature brownies, there were tiny marshmallows, there were umbrellas, there were sparklers. And jutting from the side like the wrath of God, if God was plastic and bent into interesting shapes, was the kind of bendy straw that children's dreams are made of. It was bright pink.

The Notary gaped.

Wobbles just grinned. "You wanna try a slurp?"

"... Well, fair's fair, you tried mine."

Wobbles pushed the glass over with surprisingly little effort, a dribble of ice cream in its wake. The Notary inspected it much as other people would a landmine that just went click. "What flavour is it, Wobbles?"

"Uh-uh, no questions. You didn't tell me what amasec tasted like, now didja!"

"Would you have believed me?"

"Don't change the subject."

After another inspection, during which the Notary nibbled on a bit of pecan nut and was gleefully informed that it didn't count, the Time Lord finally bit the bullet and gave it a slurp.

She came to from the sugar high about twenty minutes later, finding herself in a FicPsych ward balanced on top of an enormous, gyrating fir tree. The nurses, who were rather more understanding once Wobbles showed up and even deigned to help her down, informed the Notary that she had proclaimed herself the prettiest sugarplum fairy in all the land, and that she deserved to be atop a pretty Christmas tree, no matter whether or not it was time for his nap.

The Time Lord looked at her partner. Her partner grinned back at her like a trickster god.

"That," said the Notary, "explains so much."

"Prolly!" Wobbles beamed. "Still think you're a robot?"

"What makes you think I-" The Notary paused, thinking back. "Did I say that out loud?"

"Yup."

"Well... yes. A little bit."

Wobbles nodded. "Thought you might. Don't worry, stuff like this takes time."

"You're right. It does." The Notary removed some stray needles that had been lodged somewhere uncomfortable. "But then again, I'm a Time Lord. If there's one thing we've got, it's that."

And they walked off after that, and told each other stories.

Reply Return to messages