Subject: Child-based concrit.
Author:
Posted on: 2017-03-24 17:12:00 UTC

Well, okay, first off: I love it. It's brilliant. I could practically taste Nume's frustration. I also think it ends perfectly well where it is - not for the 'lost' prompt, but as a harbinger (SIDE NOTE: this is the first time I've known that word isn't 'harbringer', weird what slips through the filters) of the rest of Nume's long night, that ending is perfect.

But I think Henry is a little off for a six-year-old. Mostly I'm going to base this off my pet six-year-old, who (in contrast to Henry):

-Would probably say 'Ilraen'. Definitely could, though as a nickname it might stand.

-Would absolutely have started screaming somewhere in there - probably at 'no we're not going camping' or 'no you can't watch that'.

-Would be unlikely to actually pay attention to something he was being forced to watch.

-Would probably say 'Mummy', not 'my mummy' - he'd basically treat it as a name when he didn't absolutely need the qualifier.

-Would definitely have bugged Nume for help during the game.

There's probably more, but that's what's jumping out at me.

Fortunately there is a super-duper easy fix for all of that: make him eight, not six. Even seven might work. Just a year or two to jump him out of the 'I am the only person in the universe and you shall not defy me' stage of childhood. I don't think there's anything that breaks by doing that, except possibly the timeline (and I'm sure Morgan will lend a hand to patch it up).

Oh, and this deserves a paragraph to itself: I love the fact that Henry knows not all OCs are Suvians. ^_^ It charms me.

hS

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