Subject: Concrit
Author:
Posted on: 2017-03-25 18:20:00 UTC

The first thing that jumps out at me is the formatting: You gotta offset your paragraphs somehow, whether by indenting the first line of each new paragraph (standard in print, difficult in HTML-only online spaces) or by putting a line of whitespace between paragraphs (standard online; hit Enter twice when you start a new paragraph, it's easy). This makes your text much easier for people's eyes to track.

This is a new paragraph. See? It's super-clear with that line of whitespace between this one and the last one. You can't miss it. {= )

Here's another one, where I'm going to talk about other stuff. There were some SPaG issues, mostly to do with commas and with capitalization around dialogue, but I'm gonna suppress the urge to get into those in detail for this challenge.

What I liked: seeing DOGA doing what they do best. I like the "response team" thing that some departments naturally lend themselves to, when they can show up to do just the job they're trained to do instead of necessarily always tagging along for a whole mission. That's also fine and good, but too many agents on a team tends to really bog things down (IMO, four is the top limit of bearability in most cases), and this could be a good format for a different sort of spin-off, which could be fun. I also liked the concept of the Forest of Dean being expanded over whales. Typos are fun. Always make the most of a good typo. ^_^

What I would change: I'm of the firm opinion that agents should use canonical disguises and methods whenever possible. You can get away with not being in disguise if you're a human in a human-centric universe (or an alien in an alien-filled universe, etc.) with no OCs involved, e.g. most Bad Slash missions, but I think futuristic tech in a magical universe is going too far, even if the OC is gone already. If you really must go the technological route over a magical one, the Harry Potter universe does have Muggle flamethrowers, napalm, agent orange, etc.—but why would you do that when you have magic available?

Also, I'm a little unclear on how far the DOGA agents fell from their portal. "Above the now enlarged Forest of Dean" suggests to me that they fell from above the treetops, which is not a small distance at all. Did you mean a few feet above the forest floor? Consider also that Apollo's visibility will be limited by the trees, depending on their density, wherever they pop in.

One last thing: this is the correct rendering of the quote and of Obi-Wan's name: "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope."

That's it. Considering I cheated, kudos on actually writing from the prompt in a way that fits. {= )

~Neshomeh

Reply Return to messages