Subject: Requesting second opinion.
Author:
Posted on: 2021-02-09 10:53:33 UTC
But only one one thing! By and large this looks pretty good. Let me go through it; the request/question is at the end.
You: you've been here, you've been active, you've not made too many missteps, all good.
The characters: Nothing wrong here; 'the snarky one and the bubbly one' is a classic PPC archetype. You can just write their names surname-first all the time; you don't need to reverse the order solely for their bios. Question: the bio implies that Chizuru was created by Kaguya (hence why she's stuck with wings), but the fic indicates that she was summoned from her reading, and she makes no comments about being randomly stuck with wings. How does that work? And if she already existed, why does Kaguya get to name her?
Also also: I know you've designated them both as coming from World One, but that's generally taken to be 'our' world without supernatural elements. Probably the simplest fix would be to list Chizuru's home as "World One folklore"; it keeps the link without implying that it's actually possible to summon half-bird women with half an hour's googling. (I think we'd have noticed that one by now!)
The badfic: Looks bad. :)
Control prompt: Looks... generally fine. I have a few comments, and I'd like to use your first paragraph as an example.
Your paragraphs are getting out of control. Please break them up a bit more! A paragraph should focus on a single idea or viewpoint. Your second paragraph has two different people speaking in it, which is right out.
Similarly, your sentences have gotten over-long, and jump around a bit in theme.
In places, your word order and -use is technically correct but somewhat unusual. That's probably something to ask a beta to keep an eye on.
He did not know what to make of the lifeform that materialized on the sheet of drawn paper spread out on the floor before him[:] {he had never even taken into consideration the possibility that summoning might work}. Such was the silly whim of one Hazama Kaguya: for reasons unknown, instead of spending the Sunday morning crafting poetry in the most flowing calligraphy he could manage, folding paper, or mulling over whatever piece of classic literature he could get his hands on, he {decided} to try onmyōdō[.]
[It was only] the most rudimentary form of {the art, which} he picked up from the Internet in lieu of proper education of the art. He was already inwardly sneering {inwardly} at himself [-] a "grown man playing Kokkuri-san by his lonesome" [-] {while} he drew the drawings and chanted the spells.
But The sight of the half-human half-bird that {appeared} on the floor before him {froze him} in true panic.
"Where am I[?] and How did I end up here?" groggily asked the young woman {groggily}[.] [She had] short fluffy white hair, large wings for arms [-] and a truly ugly T-shirt, which did not help matters in the slightest bit.
That's a lot of markup, but not actually many changes, and a few of them ('tempted') could stay if you really wanted. This is the sort of conversation you'd have with a beta; I usually use Google Docs comments, so I can back-and-forth on points that need discussion. (I also do this with cowriters!)
Plot-wise, the control prompt is fine, other than something I'll mention in:
Creative prompt: O-kay. In broad strokes, this is fine: you convey the idea of what drove Kayuga nuts pretty well, you use his already-highlighted beauty to emphasise his breakdown, and Chizuru's 'threatening your stuff didn't work, I'll use your hated nickname' approach is pretty apt. But this prompt highlights two questions - one for you, and one for another Permission Giver:
1/ Ki no Shirayuki - you've kept the humour fairly minimal in both these prompts. It's mostly limited to wry comments at your agents' expense ("Such was the silly whim", "Among many blessings she received from him"), or Chizuru's way of speaking. How well do you think this will fit in with the PPC's general style of humour - and while you're here, what would you say that style is? (Not a trick question, and there isn't a single 'right answer' I'm after.)
2/ Permission Giver - you know me, I'm old-fashioned, and the PPC has changed a lot. Two things stand out to me in these prompts:
Kayuga's graphic rant (the 'skewer her full of holes' one). I'm not sure why, but this feels different to J&A-style 'can we kill her?' banter. Am I just being weird? And is it even worth asking, given that the scene is explicitly OOC for him?
The relationship between the two agents. The paragraph where Kayuga pins Chizuru to the floor and yells at her about the Suvian brought this into focus, but woven through the entire doc is an undercurrent which looks like Kayuga is abusive towards Chizuru (mostly non-physically, but there is the floor-pinning) , who gets turned on by it. I... have... no idea whether that's okay or not? Does it even qualify as abuse if she literally told him she wanted it within thirty seconds of meeting him?
(Ki no Shirayuki, feel free to comment too if I've misunderstood something!)
Other than those points, I'd be happy to grant Permission, with a note to ask your beta to keep an eye on paragraphing and word-use; but for now, hopefully someone can show up and offer some advice.
hS