Subject: Wowie this is late
Posted on: 2021-02-21 10:26:22 UTC

I had a quick read over and I'm with hS on all of his criticisms.

Additionally: I do not like Kaguya. Perhaps I'm not supposed to like him, but I don't not-like him in a way that makes me want to read about him more, you feel? He's unpleasant in a way that is far too real and is not really delivered with much of a sense of irony or humour. This might be a little more palatable if not for the rest of his general dynamic with Chizuri.

The relationship between these two agents makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Chizuri has a sort of omnipresent fear/horniness for Kaguya that really makes her read as an abuse victim. That the power dynamic of their relationship is clearly balanced in Kaguya's direction, as the disciplinarian summoner guy, and that Kaguya himself acts--to be blunt--like an unhinged control freak, makes the whole thing just read very uncomfortably to me. I do get that you're going for a sort of bdsm-ey sexual tension kinda dealio here, but this is really not a healthy dynamic. Even if we assume that Chizuri is always 100% totally super into it and consents to all of it permanently all the time and feels safe and emotionally fulfilled (it does not read like that, to be clear), it still just... doesn't feel like it really fits the tone of the PPC?

This is one of the reasons, I think, Kaguya's freakout OOC rant thing feels so weird. While exaggerated rants are somewhat of a trope for PPC agents, Kaguya's rant is real graphic, not particularly funny and, alongside the rest of the context of his relationship with Chizuri, makes him look even more like an unhinged control freak. I know it's meant to be out of character and rare and that, but he really all around just feels like somebody who should like not work here. And not in a like fun way.

Chizuri I have much less to say about; I like her character more, but she seems to exist only in parallel to Kaguya. Both, uh, sorta literally, but also in terms of character. She has far less focus on her, and, like I said earlier, seems to spend all her time thinking of what Kaguya thinks of her. I'm willing to give more leeway with this due to the short nature of the prompts, but it's definitely something to watch out for in the future.

I dunno, sorry if I'm being a little rough; especially for being so late to this, but I really feel like you've gotta work on these two. You're going for a dynamic here that's sort of hard to pull off, so it's certainly worth going at with a real careful touch.

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