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Glory in the artsiness that is Not Mine!

...either that, or having to go borrow a bell for an exorcism in case they're just possessed by an Author-Wraith. But then again, where would Suethor get the bodies? That abyss was bottomless for a reason...

Thank you, though. My agents are most grateful. I do give you a large block of chocolate in gratitude.

Personally, I would say that canon is too weak to take care of the problem on its own. The combination of Marisa and Asriel surviving the abyss and Lyra and Will still being together is extremely damaging.

Check Marisa and Asriel with the CAD. They may turn out to be a replacement Sue and Stu, in which case you can kill them. Problem solved.

You can have a plushie, too, Inkling!

Thanks for pointing out the problems...I shall fix them!

And HQ works in mysterious ways, do they not? I suspect with the understaffing problems, they have to resort to the theory of duplicating people's genes. My theory goes to think that something went wrong while they were duplicating the personality of the victim. I'm inclined to think that some mad scientists or maybe an apprentice or assistant of sorts for Makes-Things (Though I have a slight feeling he does not need apprentices or assistants) got the whole idea to create a cloning machine and botches it all up.
Besides (though this sounds very weak...), I like elves. I think they do need a little insanity amongst their ranks, too. (as if the "Tra-la-la-lally" song isn't undignified enough...)

Gosh they were a pain in the neck to read!

Since I've only been here a few days, it's obviously too soon to summon a Permission Giver. However, for entertainment value and possible future reference, here is a writing sample introducing Agent Katty and her new partner, Agent Recruit Ace, from the Department of Floaters.

---

The young man hesitated at the door. My first assignment. My first partner. He wasn't quite sure why he was so nervous. What could happen that the Academy hadn't prepared him for? Admittedly the Academy hadn't been what he'd expected — who would expect a week of reading manuals in a disused office with a ventilator that dripped? — but the big daisy had told him that he was learning everything he needed to know. He looked at the door. 207. That was definitely the number on his assignment card. He hitched his duffel bag a bit on his shoulder, took a deep breath, and knocked.

"Come!" a female voice called from inside. The door slid open and the young man stepped in for the first sight of his new home.

He looked around the room, his eyes passing over assorted clutter, for the source of the voice. A pair of black boots were propped on the overstuffed arm of a rather ratty-looking couch that was big enough to conceal the boots' occupant. The boots quickly retracted and swung to the floor and the head and body of the attached Agent popped up. She had hair of some indeterminate shade between brown and blonde, eyes that were trying to make up their mind whether to be green or brown, and he couldn't guess her age, though she seemed to be older than he was. She stood, revealing black chinos stuffed into what seemed to be riding boots, and a green T-shirt with the Slytherin house crest on it. At a guess, she was an inch or two taller than his own five foot six.

"Hi, I'm Agent Katherine Brown," she said.

"Agent Recruit Ace Chang," he replied, and Katty raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, Ace is my real name," he said somewhat defensively. "My sister is Deuce, and my kid brother is Trey. My parents didn't have much imagination, okay?"

"Hey, no need to get testy. I'm Katty, thanks to my little sister."

"No problem, Agen... er, Katty. Where do I put my things?"

"The bunks are through that door." She pointed to one he hadn't yet noticed. "Mine's the top one. Bathroom is that other door. Go ahead and toss your stuff in there. With our luck, we'll probably get a mission before you've even got your gear stowed."

The bunk room turned out to be a narrow room, sectioned off from the main room by a wall that the builder hadn't even bothered to drywall on this side. The bunk bed was in the middle, with a closet of sorts behind a curtain at each end. Several boards nailed between the exposed studs held books. The right-side closet was empty of anything but a cheap closet organizer. Spare black jeans went on hangers, clean black T-shirts went on the wire shelves, and, after a moment's thought, he peeled off his leather jacket and hung it on a hook. The last thing in his duffelbag was his set of official PPC Agent Manuals. He shelved them on an unoccupied board, tossed the empty duffelbag into the closet, and stretched out on his bunk to relax. That was clearly the wrong thing to do, as he was informed by a whistling beep from the main room. A mission! He bounced to his feet and popped out of the bunkroom.

Katty, holding a half-eaten bagel, was staring at the console with a look of disgust.

"Food detector. It's got a food detector. I know it," she grumbled.

"Huh?"

"One thing you'll learn soon enough, Ace: They always send us on missions when we're eating, sleeping, or on the throne."

"Throne...? Oh." He blushed slightly.

He turned his attention to the console. A small bird on long, thin legs was probing between the keys with its long beak, apparently looking for bagel crumbs. It had already typed "ghyt". Katty shooed it away.

"Spotted sandpiper. A kind of plover," she explained, leaving Ace knowing both more and less than before.

"So, what's our mission? It's my first, I hope it's something good!" This earned Ace a vaguely disgusted look from the senior agent.

"They're sure throwing you in at the deep end," Katty said. "We've got...."

---

I assume they'd still be able to turn on their repressed qualities if necessary. I think I read that one Agent keeps having to apologise for causing urple descriptions or something.

In a pending interlude, some Agents will be infiltrating the EPC. How would they convincingly take the likeness of Mary Sues and Gary Stus? I assume the DORKS would be out, as there would be ways of detecting generated disguises.

I am almost done with my second mission, in the His Dark Materials continuum, barring one annoying little issue.

The fic is post- Amber Spyglass, but Marisa and Asriel have somehow survived the abyss.

The author gives no explanation of this, beyond OH HAY LOOK THEY SURVIVED AND LYRA DOESN'T KNOW. There was supposed to be a part 3 (I took care of the two existing ones) which might have done so, but...

Now, canon has been "on holiday," as Agent Teek put it, for thirteen years- the length of time for which Lyra and Will have been happily married and had a daughter.

Question being, will canon take care of this one on its own, or is it currently too weak? And what do the Agents do about this if it can't?

Good for getting into parties uninvited and inadvertently telling everyone what you really think. Use with caution.
And welcome to the Board! Sorta. 'Cause you said you were lurking before. So you've been here a while. Welcome anyways!

Ahnonay divided by Todelmer equals Channelwood. I'm sorry, the universe has a divide by zero in line 342,836,570,234,977,890. Reboot? (Y/N)

Good ol' Heist. I remember that thread. Twas quite amusing... Glad to know the amusement was easy to continue. Hope to hear more about the adventures of Heist

And taste like chicken!

I really should start listening to my brain when it screams "No, Makari, no! Bad writer, no biscuit!"

...the mental images will take some time to go away. One of these days I'll learn, but apparently not today. Now, I know somebody gave me something with memory-altering qualities... if only I could remember where I put it...

I now have a job here in Japan!!! I am not sure which city it is in, but I have to be at training on September 1.

L

It was the author's style that bothered me the most, though. Curiosity (sometimes morbid) and the fact that the supporting cast is awesome carried me through. Lord Mhoram, for one, totally rocks.

The sad thing is that I used "hellfire" as a swear word (mostly in my head) before I read those books, but now I think of Thomas Covenant every time, and I cringe a little. ^_^;

~Neshomeh

First, why a cloning experiment? Conducted by whom? And why should the experiment result in a female elf with the personality and tastes of a teenage human girl? Why not simply write a teenage human girl with Liv Tyler- or Cate Blanchett-like features?

Second, a couple of things to watch out for from the writing samples:

- You want "spitting image," not "splitting image." That would be like double vision.

- "as he lay," not "laid."

~Neshomeh

(No, really, take it, I beseech you. They breed like tribbles.)

Erk, I remember that one. Misscam MSTed it a long, long time ago, and it was one of my first intros to badfic. But yes, definitely worthy (?) of the Legendary Badfic title.

"karins past" is possibly the worst use of 460 words I have ever seen, and I'm including the spam posted below. I have seen better trollfics. I have seen better stories randomly generated by slapping phrases from badfic together. I have seen better stories in a bowl of Alpha-Bits.

The review I posted there may be my all-time harshest review, but then again, if this was bad in some really creative way, and big enough to care about, it would be in the running for the all-time worst (or at least stupidest) story. It makes Full Life Consequences look like great literature.

Any writer who inserts an author's note saying he/she/it is running out of ideas after a few hundred words of dreck has no more business trying to write than I have trying to fly to the moon.