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A Badger bent over a piece of parchment, scribbling furiously as the candles burned low.

The parchment itself was a map. The badger was muttering furiously to himself about terrain. To his left was an index of mathematical calculations covered in notes, scribbles, and calculations; "wind resistance" this and "magma formation" that, carefully arranged into the kind of total and complete mess that only comes from hours of dedicated work. And the map showed it: perfectly arrayed, immaculately designed, beautifully annotated. It was a masterpiece.

Unfortunately, fate had other plans. A careless swipe of the weary badger's paw sent ink flying across the artfully designed map, ruining it all. The badger stared. He blinked.

A cry of anguish echoed into the distance.

"Oi, mate! Some of us trying to catch some sleep!" A vaguely sandwich-like entity appeared adjacent to the badger.

"...Larf?"

"Bang on the money, gov! Here, awake, irritable, and bready." The sandwich, despite his claims, didn't seem especially irritable. He grinned in precisely the way that meat between bread usually didn't.

"Urrrgh..." The badger buried his head in his hands. "Sorry to wake you up like that. I just ruined this map I've been spending hours on. I calculated all the wind conditions and biome formations and everything! And it's just... gone. How can I call myself a worldbuilder now, without a world?"

The sandwich squinted. Somehow. It didn't have eyes, so how the sandwich was able to do this was confusing. But it did nonetheless. "Mate, you do know that you don't need to do that to build a world, right?"

"...Yeah, I do."

"Nah, man. Just fudge it! See?" The sandwich grabbed a parchment and quill with its not-hands and drew rapidly. "See, that looks about right, eh?"

The badger blinked. "...I mean... I guess yeah?"

"There ya go! See? You don't need all that math guff, do ya? C'mon, I'll help you out."

The black-and-white striped mammal sighed again. "What would I do without you, Larf?"

The sandwich smirked, seemingly uncaring that this was blatantly impossible. "Sleep alone, proabably..."

((This is loosely based on a real conversation in Discord. Veeery loosely. Veeeeeeeeeeeery loosely. :-P. But thanks for the idea, guys!))

Summary: The PPC brought them together. Can a badfic tear them apart? This is a sort-of-standalone ship fic in MoaM reality, set after the events of “Man on a Mission”. (MoaM reality is a different reality from the Shipverse, in deference to its occasionally dark subject matter. TL;DR: MoaM reality’s two defining characteristics are its Agent!Boarders premise and the events of MoaM: the ultimately successful sporking of a nasty Wolfenstein 3D bleepfic that made some very odd things happen to various agents. How exactly did all of this happen? It's still being finished.)

It had been a year since the sporking of “Fountain of Youth”, and Huinesoron had only recently found out that Intern Twistey had never taken the necessary Bleeprin to recover from the incident.

“No, no, I’m fine,” she had insisted when questioned about it. “My own imagination has come up with worse. Even before the fic came out, or before I knew about Celebrian or Rose Potter or-.”

“If that’s the case,” hS had replied, “you really need the Bleeprin.”

She had put one hand on her hip. “Do I now. How much did you prescribe to me, again?”

“Mm… one pill daily for three weeks, if I recall.”

“Jesus, that’s a lot.”

“A serious amount for a serious event. No amount of insistence is going to get you out of this.”

She had rolled her eyes, then been called over by Intern Willis, who wanted to show her a Suvian artifact he’d traded for with an agent. Huinesoron had never had a chance since then to catch up to Twistey about the Bleeprin. It really didn’t make any sense to him that she was resisting, as she’d clearly been the hardest hit by the fic, and he secretly feared that she felt no different about what had happened to her than she had in her original brainwashed state. Bleugh, it was sickening to think about.

He was trying to figure out how to get the Bleeprin, and possibly some Anti-Lustin, into Twistey’s food when [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!]

Huinesoron was jolted out of his thoughts by the sound, and looked up to see Kaitlyn dashing for the console. She pressed the button and motioned him over. “Let’s see what we have this time.”

hS and Kaitlyn had been moved by Upstairs to the Department of Floaters for an indeterminate amount of time, and had been assigned no badfics with any unpleasant content for that amount of time. Well, the Sunflower Official had said that it was “until the mess from when you wantonly seized command of all Boarders has been sorted out,” but who knows what all he had meant by that. In the meantime, the two of them had received nothing but the most inoffensive of badfics, in order to be properly “readjusted”. Of course, Huinesoron had insisted that he was fine now, but the SO is hard to convince.

“Looks like nothing’s changed,” said Kaitlyn. “This one’s a crossover.”

Huinesoron looked a bit closer. “Hmm.” Then he cleared his throat.
“Thaw The Frozen Heart (DDLC X Frozen X Baldi’s Basics - Ice!Monika X Fire!Male!Reader, IceXFire!Cutcake)” He paused. “What’s Cutcake?”

“Well, it’s a ship name… sounds like a character who likes knives and a character who bakes. Which would be…” she scrolled through the fic… “Yuri and Natsuki.” She looked at her husband. “Nice wordplay for a badfic.”

hS smiled at his wife. At least she was enjoying these tamer missions. Personally, although he would do anything to protect canon, these ones brought him no adrenaline whatsoever. There had to be something truly shocking for the sporking to be truly satisfying. And this one was so close to being there… Doki Doki Literature Club and Baldi’s Basics in Education and Learning were both horror games, but this was just a lighthearted romance fic with other continua thrown in for extra flavor.

He continued reading the description. “When you transferred to your friend Light!Sayori’s high school and she invited you to the school literature club, you didn’t realize you’d meet the love of your life. But the school holds more danger than you realize. Your math teacher Mr. Darkness!Baldi is keen on making you miserable. But you are determined to thaw Ice!Monika’s frozen heart.”

“Wow,” said hS, “there’s elements other than ice and fire in this. Good job, Frozen fanbase, you’ve learned something.”

Kaitlyn laughed for a bit. “Okay, it’s a reader fic. Where’s the crash dummy?”

He shrugged and shook his head. “I don’t know, I think Twistey tried to marry it or something.”

“I doubt that’s the case.” Kaitlyn turned to face the opposite direction and leaned on the console. “Let me go look for it-”

A portal opened exactly where hS was. “Aaah!” he cried as he was sucked into its depths.

Kaitlyn stood shocked for a second, then shook herself, quickly grabbed a backpack full of agent gear, and followed.

-Twistey

But in the immortal words of... was Greece in WWII? Conquered by fascists, huh? Well, in the immortal words of whoever has that thankless role:

Sanity? This--is--Shipfic!!

You may now imagine yourself being metaphorically kicked down a bottomless pit.

(... it's just occurred to me that 'This is Sparta!' jokes are actually quite outdated now, so yes, this is a film reference, I'm not actually throwing you down a hole.)

(But I'm still imagining Willis as the dog.)

("His name's Junior. We named the dog Willis!")

hS

I'm totally going to archive all the Ship War stuff... somehow.

-Twistey

And since I suck at strategy, I'll be consulting him a lot. No need for a civil war. His dog Piper can be Blondi.

-Twistey

I was thinking of putting you in the role of FDR, since I dunno, I just associate you with 'murica, and now yay, it's a thing!

-Twistey

You're a bigger history buff than me. Do as you wish.

-Twistey

I don't know if you've ever looked up Andorra (don't know why you would), but since the 1600s its rule has been shared between the King/Emperor/President/Chief of State of France, and the Bishop of Urgell down in Spain. Of course, they have less than 80,000 people in the entire tiny country, and were strictly neutral in WWII, but they're still a sovereign country!

~Le Marquis de Huinesoronhonhonhon, Président de la République française et Co-Prince d'Andorre

...in fact, I was thinking that that might not even be a thing, but totally go for it!

Also, I forgot to tell you, you're France because Misinterpreted!hS looks French to me. My nickname for him is "the Marquis de Huinesoronhonhonhon." :P

-Twistey, walking off to write something with Moons as Alan Turing

Because Catholicism needs its own country to be taken seriously in this century, duck it.

Having discovered Spain was at the current moment a smoking pile of ruins, with not even all the pesky rebels to the rightful dictature of the Spanish Church dead yet, the filthy heathens. Guess there was a reason we could invade free it with an army recruited amongst only half of Andorre.

I have to inform all countries that Spain will needs loads and loads of resources to join any camp in this war. Guess Franco was cupid for a reason after all, the heretic.

Of course, it does mean Spain will ally anybody helping to build back a land of self-rightousness and savage oppression in the name of a God who didn't ask for anything, especially the ones of the wimps in the Inquisition. I swear, placing the burden of proof on the accusation, when we're always right already.

Offer also extended to filthy Reds needing absolution. Indulgences were the high point of the Church, can't understand why they stopped.

The Spanish Theocracy is also willing to legalize this big wedding mentioned in that letterr for the right price and control of Rome, or the means of assuring Madrid supplants Rome as capital of Catholicism, or the edict won't stick. All to ensure peace of course.

From: Huinesoron
To: Snowblaze

The idea of an alliance does have its appeal, especially if Hardric can be persuaded to bring Spain into the fold. I'm not so sure about the Communism thing, though - I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be a steadfast republican.

I'm also not convinced you'll honour this proposed alliance, since you literally started the discussion by telling me you're lying about the one you have with Twistey. I think we would need some way to secure the alliance, and as history tells us, marriage between the parties is very effective for that.

Obviously I'm not proposing to marry you myself; I'm far too busy for that. But I'm sure Kaitlyn would be up for

[The handwriting on the note abruptly changes]

Please excuse my husband; he's let his stick-on moustache go to his head. While, yes, his argument that he and Bishop Hardric could between them change secular and church law to make this weird polygamous thing he's considering legal, that doesn't mean I'd be 'up for it'. I'm not that kind of girl.

The only situation where I'd be willing to consider it would be if every leader was marrying in one big war-ending wedding. For the sake of Europe, I'd make that sacrifice.

~Kaitlyn

((Well, it is a shipfest... ^_~ -hS))

When Snowblaze's lover entered the courtyard he found her lying flat on her face in a heap of snow. Random body parts were distributed around her, which would have looked grisly if they weren't made of snow.

"Snowblaze! What's wrong?"

She sat up, snow in her thick hair, and her lover was struck once more with how beautiful she looked.

"Well," she began, "I was trying to make snow soldiers to defend against Twistey's inevitable betrayal, because they're so much more convenient. You don't need to feed them or give them leave or actually lose them, because I can just rebuild them if they get destroyed."

"Nice! So, what's the problem with that?"

"Well, I suddenly realised that the colour scheme was all wrong. If we're being historically accurate, I'm meant to have a Red Army... and snow is white."

"Oh. I see."

"And if I change it to the White Army everyone will be mad, because the Whites were the ones the revolution overthrew and they'll start saying I'm an aristocrat and there'll be another revolution."

She sighed. "Which would obviously be a bad thing... but on the other hand, no way am I spending loads of money on red uniforms for snow. So... what do I do?"

"Stop trying to game the rules and use real soldiers?"

"I told you. Too expensive, and you can't bring them back."

"Stop worrying and come and have fun with me?"

"Now that sounds like a good idea."

(It's really hard writing when you don't know the pronouns of one of your characters.)

From: Snowblaze
To: Huinesoron
My... how shall I put this... sources tell me that you're considering an alliance with Twistey. I shouldn't need to tell you that this is a Very Bad Idea. She will betray you. The only reason I'm supposedly allied with her is so she thinks that I'm not prepared for her invasion.

I have a better idea: you and I could form an alliance. If we both attack Twistey at the same time we can crush her between us and then I'll help you invade Britain, and we can unite Europe beneath the banner of Communism!

What do you mean I'm getting too much into character

Soooo, theorycrafting. I seem to recall them saying they were going to make 5 seasons, which seemed weirdly specific at the time, but makes sense if there's a specific storyline they want to follow. For instance:

Middle-earth: Numenor

Welcome to the Second Age. You won't be leaving it until the last episode of Season 5.

S1: The Mariner's Wife - Aldarion & Erendis (800s)

The only nearly-complete story of Numenor before its fall, this is an easy place to start your series. It's relatively contained - you can pay fleeting visits to Middle-earth with Aldarion, but mostly remain in Numenor - and lets you pull a lot of the political side of things. If you play it right, you can also start building in future conflicts by introducing Gil-Galad and company.

S2: Forging the Rings/Tal-Elmar (1500s)

AKA The Annatar Season. Runs from his first appearance to the forging of the One, slowly building the threat of Mordor (you can definitely turn the first use of that name, and the name Sauron, into a key moment). Alongside this, we have the settling of Middle-earth by Numenor, including a narrative inspired by Tolkien's aborted tale of a Middle-earth native meeting the Kings from Over the Sea.

S3: The War of the Elves & Sauron/The Shadow over Numenor (1600s)

Interleaving the war - including the founding of Imladris - with the first touch of the Shadow on Numenor. The Numenoreans become crueler, and though ultimately they drive out the Darker advisors and sail to the aid of Middle-earth, the stage is set for later stories. Late in the season, three of the Numenorean exiles are gifted Rings by Sauron...

S4: Akallabeth (3200s)

A big time jump, which takes us to the tail end of Tar-Palantir's reign. This season runs at breakneck speed, covering Pharazon's takeover, his conquest of Sauron, Sauron's conversion of Numenor, the assault on Valinor, and the escape of Elendil & co. It's a fun one, and it ends with the Downfall.

S5: The Last Alliance (3400s)

How do you follow that? All-out war, obviously. Spend a couple of episodes building Arnor and Gondor, then witness Sauron's return and forge the Last Alliance. The war takes twelve years in canon, so there's room for plenty of material. Let me put it like this: Sauron announced his return by razing Minas Ithil and laying a three-year siege of Gondor, which was only broken when the Elves finally arrived. There's a lot to play with.

And yes, you get to end by entering the Third Age, showing Isildur's claiming of the One Ring, and basically meeting the prologue of the films. That leaves the door wide open for several follow-up seasons, including the Fall of Arnor & Gondor, the founding of Rohan, and, yes, potentially Young Aragorn as season 8.

hS

And Psain might enjoy tasting its own medicine. You colonized many countries, now Andorre colonizes you so its only rightful ruler can try a new country with the right size for his ego.

That said, I must inform you I'm not that well-informed on Hetalia on general, so 'declare on France' is at best a crack ship... At the same time, it is Shipfest...

"I still think I should have had the French role."

Huinesoron sat back and sipped at his wine, then grimaced and put it to one side. "Ugh. Sorry, what were you saying?"

Hardric rolled his eyes. "As your bishop, I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to say wine is a mocker."

"You're not my bishop." Huinesoron gestured around the simulated Casa de la Vall, making some undefined point. "Was that all, most esteemed co-Prince?"

"No." Hardric folded his arms, then refolded them to get the floppy sleeves to settle right. "You don't even speak French; I would be much more suited to your role."

"Je suis un oiseau dans le chateau," Huinesoron said vaguely. "Besides, by that logic I should have Britain, instead of Captain Tea-Pants and the Betraying Betrayer."

"You're not taking this at all seriously!" Hardric protested. "I warn you, if I don't get the respect I deserve, I may have to declare war."

Huinesoron raised an eyebrow. "Sorry - you're still just Bishop of Urgell, right?"

Hardric flicked his hand, dismissing the words. "I mean of course, Andorra will declare war."

"We're co-princes," Huinesoron pointed out. "You can't declare on France without my agreement. Which you're not going to get, for obvious reasons."

Hardric's eyes narrowed dangerously. "You're going to have to go back to Paris sometime," he said. "Do you really think our people won't follow me...?"

"They didn't in real history." Huinesoron sighed and straightened up. "Look, I get it - Bishop of Urgell isn't the most exciting role." He thought for a moment, then snapped his fingers. "I don't think anyone's playing Spain, are they? If it's a coup you want, you could always try Madrid on for size..."

hS

... in my mind, you're playing the dog.

It would make more sense for you to be Eva Braun, but until the evidence says otherwise, you're Blondi to me. ^_~

hS

Being Petain stoppped being any kind of awesome pretty much right after World War 1. Nothing we could do using the colonial empire and the fleet to continue fighting my butt.

I'm a tall, broad-shouldered human male, and I'm game for anything that doesn't require paraphernalia.

It's hardly all sunshine and roses over here. We've got plenty of domestic issues to deal with! And racism. Eurrgh. Trying to fix that. Civ IV made it look a lot easier than it is.

As for providing you with troops and the lot, I'm trying, I really am. But my co-leader is... uhmm... hang on a sec.

No, Granz, we can't just send Germany a "mountain of teddy bears." I need troops!

--But I feel bad for killing the soldiers!

They're not even real soldiers, they're just computer simulations.

--I know, but I feel bad for the computer simulations!

Well, how would teddy bears help?

--...Maybe Twistey's heart will be warmed by the teddy bears so much that she surrenders and then we have a giant international snuggle pile?

I guess it's worth a shot, since you won't agree to anything else.

--Hey, I'm not totally crazy! The teddy bears are also grenades!

...Go on...

--Totally harmless grenades! They push stuff towards them, push it away, or vaporize non-living materials. But always harmlessly!

...Bloody hell. You do realize there's a war on, right?

--Hey, at least a lot of their soldiers will be spontaneously naked.

So do you always have your mind in the gutter, or only when you're endorsing pacifism?

--Not always! But I'm pretty sure I know how to convince you.

And how's that?

--Sexiness.

...I don't like that grin. See, the worst thing is, you're not even entirely wrong.

Nesh, the time on the SIGSALY is running out. Sorry, I'll have to go before the line dies or we go insecure. In any case, hopefully that gives you some idea of what I'm dealing with here.

--Thoth

((Yes, I wanted to join in. Seeing as I don't have an official couple, Granz has agreed to end up shipped with me for this, and also co-wrote the bit. The nakedness gag and the grenades bit were all him. So it's not all my fault.))