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Oh, man, I'm laughing *so* hard. Bad idea to eat dinner while reading this - I almost choked like, three times.

You know how we take typos, bad grammar, and weirdly written stuff very literally in fanfic? Well, here's a compilation of a bunch of those mistakes, made by students writing essays about history. It produces some very funny mental images.

https://www.cse.unsw.edu.au/~norman/Jokes-file/StudentBloopers.htm

There's multiple versions of this on the Internet (there's actually one for German history if you're interested), but this one stops after the beginning of WWI, so I figured it'd be the safest one for someone like me to post on the Board. :P

Happy reading.

-Twistey

"Remind me to teach you dragon poker if I ever get my hands on a three-suit deck. Around here, everything is four-suited." He shook his head.

"You and I," he added, back on topic, "we were meant to be part of some larger unit. A wing; a company; a Legion or a Weyr. We're not made to go it alone. Should never have tried."

I'm still waiting for the others, but at least for now, I suggest you add some variety to your agents. These three and Alantha from your Permission attempt... they all sound kind of the same from a personality standpoint and, to some extent, for their traits. Honestly, they all sound substantially like you. I get that the D&D ones are likely characters you yourself played, and D&D campaigns are much more lax about self-insertion than written work, but since you're transferring them into a written universe, try and be careful with that, or else I'll get a headache from all these Moon Moons running around HQ. :P (Having trouble with character voice? See the thread on the subject.) Just a word of advice.

-Twistey

Say, maybe after that interlude, a sequel in which the agents bring their Disneyland knowledge back to New Caledonia and set up their own PPC theme park?

-Twistey

The interlude actually features an agent pulling the Sword from the Stone, in all innocence. I thought the idea was hilarious.

Thanks for tracking it down!

~Z

That was probably the first thing I ever had on my reading list, all back when I actually cared about videogames and watched reviews and Yahtzee and phewwww, I still have not gotten to it. I'm both not really sure if I still want to, but on that same note, I'm fairly sure it'll probably be better than I'm expecting.

It'll probably be a few more years yet 'til I ever hit it, if I ever do...

In the Altchives

(Found by searching the spreadsheet archive for 2013 for 'Disneyland' and then going to the correct date.)

Lily concluded that one of the agents would probably pull the Sword from the Stone and accidentally become King of All Britain. ^~

hS just nearly ended that with ^@, which appears to be The Happiest Borg

Better than that--I'd copied in the original post!

Turns out, the thread I was thinking of came about when Lily Winterwood went to Disneyland and came back with a question: Your Agents (or Agents-to-be) suddenly have access to Disneyland (whatever iteration of Disneyland that you're most familiar with, at least).

What would happen?

Based on the responses and my own ideas, I wrote a chunk of an interlude (yes, some responses are in there: I did a Supernatural finale-style opening, since I was going to reference a bunch of the responses in the background). I didn't finish it, so it hasn't been posted, but...that's how things go, I guess. Given the timing, RL got rather busy around that point.

Speaking of timing: the date I have is June 23, 2013. The actual thread was probably at least ten days earlier (probably more. Could have even been in May, for all I know). But it's a start!

~Z

And this now makes a lot more sense, really :) I'm not entirely sure why I was thinking something along the lines of 'she must have been reading through Board archives and it caught her attention!' but...I'm pretty sure that's what I was thinking. Sorry for any confusion!

I'll have to see about trying to dig up some more information on the thread I was thinking of...the interlude will almost definitely have more than a few clues as to the timing (I hope), so that's probably the place to start. Of course, if anyone else remembers it a little more clearly (I'm starting to think it might have been either an RP or just something that spawned some talk about how specific agents would react...?)...

~Z

...and straight into an interview!

Dawn (D)
Jacques (J)
The Reader (R)

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

J: Bit specific, isn’t it?

D: Well, yeah, but you do get much the same from a CAD reading. Hi! I’m Agent Dawn McKenna—

J: /snickers/ Sorry. There was a moment where I heard that as ‘Agent’ being a part of your name.

D: Fine, okay, I’m Dawn McKenna. Human, from World One. Canada, to be exact!

J: And I’m Jacques Bonnefoy, immortal fifty-first century human from...hm. I never know whether to say ‘Doctor Who’ or ‘Torchwood’.

R: I believe ‘Torchwood’ makes more sense. Er, I’m the Reader, a Time Lady from Doctor Who. I was really only intending to get a drink—

J: /smiling/ I think you’re stuck being interviewed with us now. You can always get that drink after.

R: /sighs/


2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

R: /sighs again/ I’m in the DIC, together with my partner Kozar.

D: DMS! No partner, though if you could somehow make that change, please do.

J: I’m in ESAS. Also no partner, but open to suggestions. /winks/


3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

D: Yeah, alright. Sorry. I’m...wow, twenty-six now. Still not used to that.

R: I am...I believe it’s now one hundred-fifty-five?

J: Oh, so you’re *young*! /grins/ Me, I’m a hundred-seventy...something. I’ve lost track a little.


4. Height and weight?

J: I feel like I’m giving you details for a dating profile, or something. Six feet tall, and I can’t say I’ve bothered stepping on a scale in a while—it doesn’t really change, unless I haven’t died in a while. Might be about 75 kg?

D: I am *not* doing this in kilograms. I don’t even *know* my weight in kilograms. I’m a few inches over five feet, and about...120 lbs? I don’t think much has changed since the last time Medical did a physical.

R: /sighs/ I am taller than Dawn and weigh a little more as well. May we move on? Please?


5. Sexual orientation?

D: Oh Lord.

J: /grins/ So this *is* for a dating profile? I’m interested in just about everyone.

R: /sighs/ It varies by regeneration. My current self has a strong preference for Naya.


6. IQ?

R: High. I *am* a Time Lady.

J: Ooh, speciesism. Kidding! I’m kidding. And no idea, never saw the results. High enough, I should think.

D: When did you get IQ testing?

J: Back at the Time Agency, actually.

D: Wow.

J: How about you? Ever had your brain evaluated?

D: Not that I remember.

R: In that case, let’s move on.


7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

D: /starts going pink/

R: …*why* is this necessary?

J: /laughing/ It’s the return of the dating profile questions! /winks/ I’m going to go with ‘neither’.

D: /groans/ You *would*. And I’m not answering this. The Multiverse Monitor doesn’t need to know my *bra size*.

R: /eye roll/ 34B, I believe.

D: But now I look bad for being the only one refusing to answer!

J: /raises eyebrows/

D: ...bloody hell. A little, um, larger than what the Reader said, can we *please* move on?


8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

R: ...I have a sonic penlight? It’s purple.

D: I think I’ve still got the Muggle-Use wand from my last mission—yup, here it is. Nothing else right now, if you don’t count the neuralyzer. That’s also from the last mission.

J: I’m carrying three, not counting a neuralyzer and remote activator.


9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

D: /looks at the Reader; both shake their heads/

J: /smiles/ Cool thing about not being Jack Harkness is that any crimes he may have—

D: You are not.

J: ...no, I’m not. Even in my memories of being him. Banned from some places, yes; wanted for actual crimes, not that I’m aware of.

D: Good. Moving on, then...


10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

D: I regret everything. No, I’m not.

R: Neither am I, though I hardly think it’s anyone’s business—

J: Me, I’m quite happy to have this be everyone’s business. I haven’t been a virgin in well over a century. /winks/


11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

J: /cheerfully/ Whenever I’m not having them!

R: ...I am a Time Lady. Time Lords as a species typically have very low libidos, and therefore have no need of fantasies.

J: What, never?

D: /grinning/ Well, hardly ever!

R: I know that reference!

D: Ooh, you like Gilbert and Sullivan? They’re the *best*, and there’s so little badfic—


12. /loudly/ Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

J: How to *choose*!

D: /poker-face/ I don’t swear. Ever.

R: I prefer to make up my own, primarily using terms which insult Rassilon.

D: Aw, no help with the Pinafore reference this time?


13. When was the last time you threw up?

R: Er. I might have accidentally eaten a biscuit made for Naya’s metabolism rather than my own a few months ago…

J: You know, I think I’ve forgotten.

D: There was a mission. Time shifts everywhere. I really, really don’t want to talk about it, because then I’ll have to think about it, and it was *so unpleasant*.


14. Have any mental illnesses?

/all three exchange glances/

J: Let’s...leave that between ourselves and our potential therapists, shall we?

R: Yes. Next question!


15. What is your biggest phobia?

D: /groans/ Really? Seriously, why is this relevant?

R: Time Lords have no phobias.

J: That is a blatant lie, and I love it. Next question!

D: /whispers/ He has a phobia of revealing his phobias.


16. Do you crossdress often?

J: /grinning/ Define ‘often’.

R: No. Er, to the question. Also, you crossdressed to play Calpurnia.

J: That I did! I really should do it more often. And wear togas. Togas are fun.

D: I’m going to assume wearing pants doesn’t count, but I do use male Elf or Uruk or whatever disguise on missions sometimes—though I’m not so sure *that* counts, either? What do you think?

J: /shrugs/ It could count. Anyway—next question?


17. Have any addictions?

/a collective no/


18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

J: /leans back in his chair and starts to laugh/

R: I’m on my fourth regeneration, and have had a number of narrow escapes as well.

D: I, uh, no, I’m...I’ve never died. I think my closest call was nearly being too slow to portal away from an explosion one time?


19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

/another collective shaking of heads/


20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

J: No—too professional, mostly. Or maybe they’ve just decided to let Jenni represent them…

D: /to the Reader/ They’re not after me that I know of—are they after you? No? Great, let’s keep moving. I’m getting hungry.


21. Do you snore?

J: Nope!

D: I bet you do. I bet when you’re really deeply sleeping, that’s when you start snoring.

J: ...how much are you willing to bet?

D: Two bars of Swiss bleepolate and a pizza?

J: Make it two pizzas, and we have a deal.

D: Done. Ooh, we could make it a proper sleepover!

J: /laughing/ Sure, why not? We can braid your hair and eat marshmallows.

R: ...I don’t believe I snore. If anyone’s interested.


22. Are you drooling right now?

D: /wrinkles nose/ I know he just mentioned marshmallows, but I don’t like them *that* much.

J: Same.

R: ...I’ve never had a marshmallow.

D: Really? That’s a shame. They’re pretty great toasted!


23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

R: /a little pale/ Naya. In my TARDIS. Terabyte lives in her suit, and...Emiranlanoamar has proven himself capable of surviving everything else thus far. I have faith he could survive another explosion, were one to occur—and if not, *I have a TARDIS*. We could go back. We *would* go back.

D: /has also paled; pats the Reader’s arm/ Good answer. Let’s—Jacques, you’ve got the vortex manipulator; you could make several jumps, couldn’t you?

J: In theory, yeah. I’d go evacuate as much of the Nursery as I could first, then...well. You know who my friends are.

D: Yeah. /quiet pause/ If you’ve got the Nursery, then I’d save T’Zar. She’s—family, by now.

J: /nods/ You get T’Zar; I’ll get as many kids and agents as I can.

D: Hypothetically.

J: Of course. Hypothetically.


24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

/the serious mood is broken by snickers/

R: /deadpan/ Time Lords do not need toilets.

/more laughter/


25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

J: Yes, yes, and yes!

R: Yes, no, and yes. But then, most people here aren’t Gallifreyan, much less Time Lords...

D: ...no, yes, and no. Next question!


26. Did you like it?

J: /grins/

R: /shrugs/ Well, I *have* continued to do it…

D: What she said, but past tense!


27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

/all three exchange looks/

D: Why don’t we just...keep going?

J: Yeah, I think hypothetical voices can also be kept between ourselves and our potential therapists.

R: /nods/


28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

D: /shrugs/ Not really? I mean, a little, but not all the time. It was mainly because I was new and a little bit different in how I dressed and stuff. I don’t think it lasted too long—not years, anyway.

R: I… /sighs/ I wasn’t the most popular, perhaps, but I took very little notice of the sort of people who disliked me, so…

J: Very, very rarely. I was pretty good at shutting down things like that, and I was popular enough to begin with, so… /shrugs/ I certainly don’t remember it getting me down, so it couldn’t have been all that frequent.


29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

R: Please just finish up. I would like to have my drink today, please.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

R: /gets up/ I’ll be getting that drink, now. See you around.

D: /waves to her/ See you! Well, that was...oh, look, it’s our food! Finally!

J: /leans toward the interviewer/ I’m not interested in the survey or the thumbtacks, but I’d be perfectly happy to spend some more time with you later… /winks/

---
More to come! But only in ones or twos, I think. I can't see doing another group of three, especially conceived of as a live interview. Believe it or not, I actually cut this one down a bit.

~Z

"I, too, am eager to meet your scion. When he arrives." Thoth sat, letting Derik keep his hand as it was. He was used to it, and in a sense, the gesture was... touching.

"And it's a thought that's occurred to me. I must seem a fixed point in the flow of time to you. It is likely you will go before my time. That fate, we cannot change. The die is cast, and the hands are dealt. All that is left to us is how we play them." He gave Derik an awkward pat on the shoulder. This part, he hadn't planned. "As it stands, I think it is my preference not to play alone."

"That does a lot for my peace of mind. No one could ask for a better guardian." He clapped Thoth's shoulder again. "You know, even barring some catastrophe befalling me, I hope you and Gaddie will be friends. That way, when I do eventually die, I won't be leaving either of you alone."

(( Well, we knew this conversation was going to happen at some point, so why not? ))

I like that each agent had a moment where they showed a bit of emotional depth beyond their "presented" personalities. Phil, despite being serious and responsible, has his internal moment of losing his bearings in the void of unconsciousness, and not wanting his partner to find out.
Meanwhile, Spensor seems utterly careless and unfocused, but starts to get legitimately angry about hos his source canon is being treated.

I also love that, during a Transformers mission, you find an excuse for your two protagonists to form the "transformed car plus human rider" combo that appears so much in canon!

I do need to ask: Did you have a beta reader look over this before posting? I don't see one credited in your opening notes, and there are quite a few basic typos in this mission, of the sort a beta reader would normally catch. We do expect missions to be betad before releasing them publicly; not to do so is hypocritical of us. I'll be going over typos and such below:

"A scruffy looking man in a red hoodie and sweatpants was sitting on his couch, flipping through a large stack of paper. Occasionally he would hastily scribbled some notes down before placing the paper on another stack next to him that was gradually increasing in height."
1. "Scruffy-looking" is a two-word phrase being used here as an adjective, so it gets a short dash in between the words to show it's functioning as one.
2. "Scribbled" should be "scribble" since the whole verb is "would scribble."

"'Oh hey, I should probably take this opportunity to put a dent in my second read through.'"
"Read-through" is being used as a noun here, so it too gets a short dash to show it's a single concept within the sentence.

"'It’s a short one but-wait do I smell spray paint?'"
On the other hand, since this is one sentence interrupting another, it gets a long dash (—), which can be represented by two short dashes in a row. (Some word processors will automatically turn two shorts into a long after entering the space after the second word.)

"'Prime Universe, located in the Uniend cluster. This could be problematic. This one strikes a happy medium between the edginess of the Bayverse and other, more lighthearted continuities.'

While Spensor was speaking, Phil began gathering things for the mission.

"'How’s that concerning?' Spensor finished, the readouts on his visor disappearing as he turned to his partner."
Spensor is talking to himself here.

"'Where are we?' his optics adjusting to the surroundings.”"
There's an extra quotation mark at the end. Also, "his optics adjusting to his surroundings" doesn't contain any dialogue tag to link it to Spensor's words, so it's an incomplete phrase just kind of floating there at the end of the sentence.

"'Brace yourself, I have feeling we’re about to enter the realm of consciousness. The sue complained about the light . . ."
1. "have a feeling"
2. The quotation mark is missing after the period.

"As the Sue gained consciousness the agents would about to get a massive bomb dropped into their laps."
"were about to"

"Being a place where humans rarely showed up, Phil had to settle for hunkering down behind his partner’s new form. He asked 'Jack is canon, yes?'"
1. This sounds like Phil is "a place." I think you meant to say, "Being in a place . . ."
2. A dialogue tag needs a comma just before the dialogue begins: "He asked, 'Jack is canon, yes?'"

"The sue’s wings had changed to colour to gold, so the pair thought it was 'speshful' enough to write down as a charge."
1. "changed in colour to gold" or even "changed colour to gold"
?. I usually see that spelled as "speshul," but I'm not sure if that's just a personal variant for you or your agents?

"'Cliffjumper-poor Cliffjumper-was brutally murdered by Starscream . . .'"
Another instance of the sentence getting interrupted, so the long dashes are wanted here.

"Since the author doesn’t say her weapons materialise or appear so I’d say we can write this one down as 'unintentional use of hammerspace."
1. One of the bolded words doesn't belong. You can either do, "Since the author doesn't say her weapons materialise or appear, I'd say . . ." or, "The author doesn't say her weapons materialise or appear, so I'd say . . ."
2. You never finished the mid-quote single quotaion marking that started before "unintentional."

"Spensor made panel on his body slide aside, and produced a cold, refreshing Mood Whiplash for his partner."
1. "made a panel"
2. Drink names don't get italicized.

"Phil contemplated counting charges towards canon violations of The Bible but decided against it."
The "the" before "the Bible" isn't part of the title, and doesn't need a capital "t."

"'Y’know, I was really hoping we weren’t going to meet any of her cherished siblings”. Phil suddenly found himself in the driver’'s seat of a miniaturised version of one of the sleak, generic sports vehicle forms that the Vehicons possessed."
1. For dialogue, punctuation always goes inside the quotation marks. ( cherished siblings." )
2. There are two hyphens in "driver's."

"The agent’s made special note that the Sue used the terms ‘dad’ and ‘Father as if they were two different people."
1. "Agents" isn't possessive there, so no apostrophe.
2. Unfinished single quotation after "Father."

"Phil resigned himself to watching the angel family argue a bit more than decide to go to bed and argue over who got top bunk."
"Then" rather than "than." Also, since this sentence is describing something happening in two steps, there should be a comma after "more."

"Switching things up Spensor went for a large, wall-mounted monitor, forcing his Phil to sit on the wall bracket."
No need for "his" there.

"'There was a Hasbro produced Animorphs toyline that had the Transformer branding.” Spensor illuminated.
1. "Hasbro-produced" is another adjective phrase, so it gets a short dash.
2. When the dialogue tag follows the dialogue, the dialogue should end in a comma rather than a period. ( Transformer branding," Spensor illuminated. )

"Spensor crossed his arms and began tapping his foot."
Spensor was in ice cream cart form, last we heard of him. And he seems to transform into robot form two paragraphs after this: "Already back in robot mode, Spensor hauled out his blaster . . ." And both of those sentences make me wonder what happened to Otimus, who was sitting on the top of Spensor's cart form, and is never mentioned again.

"'. . . causing characters to having rather downplayed reactions to knowledge that should fundamentally alter their world view . . .'"
"to have"

Oh, and speaking of minis, you are now the creator of the first official Transformers mini! So let me just ask, for the sake of the wiki: are they all mini-Optimus Primes? Or do they become a tiny copy of whatever character was misspelled? And does that include non-robot characters?

—doctorlit, transforming his afternoon into constructive criticism

My theory (in case you didn't read Jenni's follow-up response) is that there is just one Monitor, and the "schism" is just a stunt designed to pull in more readers. As we all know, getting people to fight about what team they're on is great for publicity, and if all the subscriptions are secretly going the same place anyway, brilliant! ^^

Possibly it was also a way to test out a new format and gauge reader response without risking the loss of the loyal base if it flopped. (Which it obviously did; forget quality journalism, we want our scandalous rumors and our Page Three, darnit!)

Or possibly someone really did try to co-opt the presumed-abandoned brand, and there was some sort of attempted legal battle, but since Legal doesn't actually care, here we are.

Also: Estelnar. Darling. You should know better than anyone that the more strenuously you deny or try to avoid a fact, the more people will believe it anyway. ^^ Also also, have you met Agent Huinesoron? You might find you have lots to talk about. (I'd suggest Agent Eledhwen, too, but I know you already know of her.)

~Neshomeh

thanks! your CC is appreciated! I will be working on wiki entries for my agents then will seek out my next mission.

1. T: Yes. I have names for them and stuff.
   E: *closes eyes and laughs quietly*
   
   28. Mi: Middle school.
   G: Middle school.
   Mi: One day I woke up halfway between fox form and human form, so I had the ears and the tail. People called me a furry for a year.
   G: I had some bad friends who made fun of me because I care about following the rules.
   E: I saw other people being bullied and it kind of affected me negatively.
   A: I wasn't bullied, but I lost my dad right around high school. Miriam wasn't that close of a friend at the time, but she was one who was willing to support me, and look at where we are now.
   Mi: *hugs Amber*
   
   29. [Also still thinking of this one.]
   
   30. E: Thank God.
   A: *shrugs* It wasn't all that hard for me, as I'm comfortable being open with people.
   G: I feel like we should've been more careful.
   Mo: I honestly don't care if I'm the subject of gossip. More attention for me.
   E: Well, if anyone starts spreading gossip about my little sister and brother, I know who to hunt down and make them beg for mercy.
   A: *laughs and shakes head*
   
   -Twistey

... doomed to die"

"Laurelindorenan" places us firmly in the Second Age in my opinion (though Treebeard never really says). "Ras Morthil" is really interesting, because the only thing we know about it is that the Druedain - the Woses - lingered there for a long time. "Enedhwaith" is possibly even more interesting, because LotR and Unfinished Tales both have it without the medial H, though Tolkien preferred it in later writings. And "Belfalas" is a noted haven of the Numenorean Faithful.

(On the Twitter version, they've also fixed the compass, which is heartening.)

hS

And then I just forgot about it somehow. Thank you for reminding me, though!

(Amber Callahan, Miriam Almstedt, Connor Callahan, Erika Callahan, Morgana Beck, Gretchen Hollehammer, and Taylor Salcedo. Note: To save time, only those who have something interesting to say in response are written down.)

1. C: Thank you for having us.
E: I didn't expect you to do this for random trainees like us. Anyway. [The whole crew is introduced.]
T: I think we're all from World One around here, right?
A: Not quite. Miriam and I and my siblings are from an alternate of World One where supernatural powers exist.
Mo: You too, huh? That's cray-cray.
G: *cringes*
T: Okay then. So, species. We're also all human, right?
A: Basically.
E: Sort of... *she sighs* I don't even know anymore.
Mi: I'm also a fox from time to time. :D
T: Okay then. Cool. Right, next question.

2. C: DAS ist best department, ja.
A: Do-GA! Do-GA! Do-GA!
Mi: *hides her face, laughing* *points at Amber* And that's why she's my partner, even though we knew each other before.
E: Department of Angst. My partner's your sister.
T: *laughs* I'm sorry for anything she's done already or will do. But I'm in Floaters. My partner's not here. Probably off practicing crystal healing or some crap like that. *shakes head*
Mo: *grabs G's hand and raises it* Also Floaters with this one.
T: Alright, that's everyone.

3. E: I'm 21, but you won't see me at the bar any time soon. At least, you won't see me socializing at the bar.

5. E: *looks off in the distance again*

7. G: *face is red* WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS?!

8. C: Probably fewer than I should have, given the implications of working here.

9. Mo: *smiles* You'll never know.
A: I actually was in juvenile detention once for accidentally destroying someone's property with my earth powers. This was back when I was still figuring them out. I was super embarrassed. Hey Miri, have you ever done that with your gravity powers?
Mi: No, actually.

10. Mo: No.
T: Hey, me neither.
E: *mildly glares at them*

11. T: Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to have a boyfriend. *shrugs* I dunno.
Mo: I am bisexual, so.
E: *looks uncomfortable*

12. A: "Bloody hell." I'm the most Irish out of my siblings. :P

13. G: When I got here. I was so mentally overwhelmed that I just got sick to my stomach.
Mi: Aww, that sucks. *pat pat*

14. [They probably would have something good to say in response, but I'm still trying to figure that out.]

15. Mi: Blood. Oh God. I HATE blood.
Mo: I'm wearing blood right now.
Mi: *rapidly stands up out of her chair*
Mo: Sue blood. I use it as body glitter. See? *points at face*
C: That's kinda twisted.

16. T: I do! :D
G: Oh. Oh dear.
T: Mainly for disguise purposes, but just as often for fun. I once was in a drag show.
Mo: Freaks your partner out, I hear?
T: Yes. :)

18. A, C, and Mi: *all look at Erika*
E: Ah, yes. I am partly a ghost. I didn't die per se, but I was turned into a ghost.
C: I'm proud we managed to get her back to being at least mostly human.
Mi: But she still sometimes phases through walls when she freaks out.
E: *glares at Miriam, as if it's a bad thing that someone knows she ever freaks out at all*

19. G: The time I threw up.
M: The time the other agents made Amber kill a Sue and I was about to faint at the sight of its blood.

20. E: You want honesty? Probably. Even though I'm completely fine. *glares at Multiverse Monitor person*

21. E: Carol does.
T: You say that as if I'm not already aware.

22. Mi: If you put a hot guy in front of me, well...

23. A and Mi: *grab each other*
C: Ouch :P
A: I figured that you and Erika would also survive already. You're pretty capable.
E: Thanks for the confidence...

24. A: What kind of ten-year-old boy wrote this question?
*All laugh*

25. E: *looks off in the distance yet again*
Mi: I almost got humped by another fox and had to change back into human form again. The fox was so surprised, ahaha!
T: You seem pretty un-traumatized for having almost been sexually assaulted.
Mi: One, I got out of it, and two, I figured that well, it's an animal, it has no concept of consent.
T: Fair enough.

26. Mo: Hell yeah I liked kissing a girl.
E: *laughs nervously*

27. T: Yes.

To be continued...
-Twistey

I wish to begin by making it plain that I do not particularly want to be here. The only REAL Multiverse Monitor is the original - rather, the second original - of which yours is but a pale copy. And yet - and yet - it is clear that some form of reconciliation is indicated, if the true spirit of the Monitor is to triumph over that abominable 'magazine' incarnation.

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

Did you heed a single word I spoke? Elbereth... so be it. I am Estelnar Celebduin, elf of the Sindar, from Imladris in the west of Middle-earth.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

Formally speaking, I serve in the Department of Mary Sues. In practice, however, my partner and I work mostly for the REAL Multiverse Monitor. She is Starwind Rohana, and you should thank the Valar that she is not here in my place.

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

I was born in the riven dell in the calm after Eregion's fall, and came to the PPC on the eve of the Changing of the World. I have some fifteen hundred years of the sun.

4. Height and weight?

I stand taller than most mortal women, but shorter than the Noldor who make up the most prominent Eldarin contingent in the PPC. Starwind oft tells me I am 'shockingly light'.

5. Sexual orientation?

I-- what have you heard? Not that there is aught to hear, mark you. The works of Tolkien were very clear that all Elves are as 'straight' as a taut line. There is nothing more to it; I will not have you starting rumours about me. That is our role.

6. IQ?

I have wisdom enough to hack your computers if I feel the need.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

Bras...! Bras are the greatest blessing ever wrought by the mortal world. I have mine custom-tailored by a former Department of Culture agent; she is most excellent.

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

The only weapon I carry is my pen.

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

The operation of a free and independent press is no crime, and any who tell you otherwise should be shunned.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

I find that question-- ahem. As Tolkien makes clear, an elf who has sexual relations would consider herself married, and yet I am known to have no husband.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

What have you heard?!

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

Right now? 'Journalist'.

13. When was the last time you threw up?

Some weeks ago Starwind took- I mean to say, Starwind and I went to the new bar that opened in New Caledonia. I had rather more to drink than was good for me. Rather a lot more.

14. Have any mental illnesses?

That is not- I do not consider myself to be mentally ill, no.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

...

I respectfully refuse to respond to this question.

16. Do you crossdress often?

And this question I'm afraid I do not understand. What manner of dress are you referring to?

17. Have any addictions?

I am not-- There is nothing I do which I could not stop at need. Therefore, I clearly have no addictions.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

There was an... incident some years ago. A certain agent took offence at her friend's portrayal in the Monitor. I had to talk very rapidly to prevent Starwind from making the situation worse.

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

No, they have not. My partner, but not me, and that only once.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

I doubt it very much; they have a healthy fear of the manner of questions Starwind would ask of them if they came near us again.

21. Do you snore?

I do not know, as I have never slept beside anyone who could tell me.

22. Are you drooling right now?

No...? Why would I be drooling?

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

Starwind.

Because she is my partner, by which I mean my colleague, and for no other reason.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Oh dear; are you one of those who believes elves have no need of toilets? I am afraid that is far from true.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species?

I... that is...

Ah. I have proffered numerous friendly kisses to friends who I was friends with, both here and back home. They cover both sexes, and include at least o- some mortals. So yes, to all three.

26. Did you like it?

It is a fine thing to have a friend, yes.

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

The 'little voices' are far more Starwind's field than mine. Betimes I find myself talking to hers, however.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

I was taught by my parents, and by other residents of Imladris; there was no 'school' as such.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

Only that this interview has confirmed my suspicions: that yours is a paper so consumed by sensationalism that it will print any rumours and falsehoods that come its way, without regard for how they might affect the subjects thereof.

As Starwind would say, "That's our job!"

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey on thumbtacks?

I could not be more delighted. You will receive your own questions to answer shortly.