The PPC Posting Board - Latest posts

Look, just give Lolus a kebab and he'll be on his way. His messy, garlic-scented, hopefully-meat-filled way.

---

1) Hi! I'm Wobbles the Clown, I'm a human, and I'm originally from a very stupid place! It wasn't a fun time being the comic relief in a Twilight badfic, but I'm doing okay now. Least, I think so, but I guess I prolly would.

2) Most people know me, if they know me at all, from my TV stuff, which means I work with my buddies in the A/V Division a lot. When it comes to active duty, I work in DF, and so does my partner! Her name is the Notary and she's a Time Grump! And also kind of a horrible person! Who we tolerate anyway!

Okay, that wasn't fair. The Notary's been through a capital-L Lot over the years. Time War stuff, relationship breakdowns... it all affects people different ways. Some people come back from a bad place and find out they've taken it with them, and that can drag you down into an even worse place than the one you left. She's trying to move on, though. I've seen it myself. Jenni's certainly helping her do that, and, well.

I didn't do my part, at least not until recently. But I'm trying to be better too.

3) Oh, gosh, um. Iunno. I mean, I was a teenager when I was in my homefic, but I mighta been in my early twenties, and it's been a while since I got outta there, and time passes kinda weird... man, I'm just gonna call it quits at twenty-eight and stay that way until the greasepaint stops hidin' the wrinkles.

4) I'm a big girl. Six foot one and, uh, fakecoughingnoise pounds. Am I allowed to put that? No? Aw, beans. Okay, 307. I don't let it slow me down, either, I've got a 40 time of 4.96, a 9'4 broad, a 33" vertical, 29 reps at 225, 7.90 3-cone, and a 4.51 shuttle. If I'd had a mom or dad, they'd say I was built like a linebacker. I... I wanted to play football, and I still like to watch it, but nobody around here seems that into it and my disability means I can't set the RC to play the games super easily. For reference, since I guess this is an interview, WSU for college and Seahawks for the NFL. Also, uh, Stallions for the AAF, I guess? I just like the team colours.

5) I work in the 2-11 demo, so it doesn't come up super often, but we've got a bunch of queer kids in the Nursery and I let them know that I'm like them too. And I'm their friend, because I'm everybody's friend, so that means it's gotta be fine! But yeah, outside the studio, I mostly go for other girls when I go for anyone at all. Demisexual biromantics represent, yo.

6) High enough to know that trying to quantify intelligence as a single number is absolutely rock-fricking-dumb.

7) Aw, beans. Uh. Hold on, lemme check, uh... carry the one... cheese and crackers, 44G? When the heck did that happen? I need new underwear. Guess this is why the sports bras have been feelin' tighter than normal lately. Oh, and I know you didn't ask, but boxers too. Life is too short and my butt is too big for teeny little panties.

8) I can't bring a lot of weapons to missions, but mostly I use a slapstick when I use anything at all. It's either that or a pogo stick. I can't use guns because of my AAT and I'm a lousy archer. Maybe I should look at crossbows...

9) Nope! The judge said that the property damage caused by my condition was not a deliberate or intentional malicious act, so legally I'm A-OK! Which is super fun for everyone!

10) I mean, no? But it's irrelevant. Having or not having sex is individual choice, and it's wrong to shame people for exercising that choice in whatever way feels right for them. Virginity's not shameful any more than getting [EXTREMELY CENSORED PORTION OF THE INTERVIEW] with five German steelworkers and a bucket of live fishing bait is. Let he who is without Lust Object cast the first stone.

11) Relationships, yeah, absolutely. I kinda don't fantasize about the act, though, y'know? Like I said, demisexual.

12) I don't really enjoy cursing much, and believe me I am super out of practice despite hanging out with the Notary a bunch, but I think my favourite is [OH CHRIST MAKE HER MOUTH STOP MAKING NOISE I FELT MY INNOCENCE DIE]. That one's in Klingon!

13) Uh, probably after the last time I went drinking with a Time Lord and a woman that manipulates probability so she wakes up feeling minty-fresh after drinking a Time Lord under the table. Yeah, the six-foot clown with the body of a defensive end is the lightweight of that group. Figure that one out.

14) Depression, angstfic-related symptoms, and a very unhealthy relationship with my emotions that I'm trying to work on. Jenni helps, which I guess isn't a surprise. The Notary's trying to help too, in her own weird way. That was a surprise, but a nice one.

15) Going back. I know I can't ever go back, the fic collapsed once the mission was over, but phobias are irrational and what's more irrational that being scared so white I look like a mime of ending up in a place it's literally impossible for me to go back to?

I guess it's, like... I worry that all this is a dream, and that I'll wake up and it'll be a dull grey rainy day, and I'll try to make toast and electrocute myself for that bitch's amusement again, just like I started every day until the PPC rescued me. I have a condition. It's not a joke. I am not a joke. I'm a clown.

Big difference.

16) Uh, technically? Clown costumes are pretty gender-neutral, but they skew more towards male with the baggy pants and the suspenders attached to the big ol' hula hoop waistband. Also the bow tie, but bow ties are cool.

17) Not right now, no. I used to be addicted to angst, just like a lot of other angstfic refugees in this place, but I've got my 10 year token. Every day is a struggle, but every day helps. It's behind me, and even if I won't be free of the urge? I'm free to act on my own desires. No script, no predetermination, just me and what I choose to do with my life. I'm recovering.

18) I haven't died yet, but I think the closest was in my first mission. We nearly got taken out by a fire elemental replacement, and I lost, like, half of my wig with that one. Plus a bunch of my real non-giant-rainbow-wig hair and my scalp got burned up but good. Which was just great.

19) Yeah, they have, and I can't thank them enough that they did. Ten years angst-free. I should talk to that other Time Lord from the Council that the Notary screwed over sometime, she looks like she needs the group's help.

20) Uh, Jenni is, but only because I help make sure the Notary gets to her appointments on time. Does that count? I'mma say it counts.

21) Six one, three hundred pounds. Of course I snore, goofus. I can't not snore. It's sleep apnoea.

22) There's no chocolate milkshake here, so no. Ah, chocolate-flavoured dairy products. My one great weakness. Y'know, I once made a chocolate milkshake with chocolate ice cream, three different chocolate bars, chocolate dessert sauce, chocolate milk powder, chocolate cake, and chocolate milk. The Notary had one sip and half a dozen FicPsych nurses had to claw her off the ceiling of the common room while the sugar rush wore off.

23) I'd say Jenni, but she can save herself. So... I really don't know. Whoever I could, I guess.

24) Uh, this morning? 7:32 sharp, like a normal person? And I will again at 6:13 tonight, also like a normal person?

25) Yes, yes, and yes.

26) Yes, yes, and yes.

27) I don't have little voices in my head, thanks. I talk to everyone though, so if there are any little voices in my head, come out and say hi! Let's be friends!

28) I received a lot of ableist bullying because of my AAT, and I'd rather not discuss it further.

29) You know that new division? Non-Propaganda Communications? The ones who do that knockoff Buzzfeed thing? They're more respectful of people and ask more interesting questions than you, an actual newspaper. Y'all have a lot to think about.

30) Try. It.

Okay I've read a fair amount of your stuff and I have a pretty good feel for what your writing and characterization sounds like, but the beauty of your style is that it keeps surprising me. I was choking on sudden bursts of laughter this entire time. I love that that's actually Bingle's full name. I love how absurd and alarming and absurdly alarming some of the entries are. And I really like your vending machine syntax! It really reads like a machine talking. I enjoyed this immensely.

Your characters speak so CONSISTENTLY. I am so impressed! Also, RIP Derik.

(it me quincy)

'That I don-t like what you-re implying, when you want to interview Bingle and I together.'

'What's wrong with us being interviewed together, Finch?'

'The implication that we represent two sides of one whole, like we-re just two halves of some kind of mildly funny comedic duo or something, rather than real individuals in our own right.'

'Oh! Well, what else did you think we were?'

'What the Hell does tha--'

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

'Bingle! I am Bernhard Bingard Bingle, I am a human, and I am from nowhere at all!'

'S86FNC-11630, Domestiworks V7 "Provend" automatic vending machine, "dried fruit orange" paint scheme, standard line. My theory is that I-m from Hell. It-d explain a lot.'

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

'The Department of Rubbish Losers Nobody Cares About Who Don-t Get Enough Funding.'

'The Department of Operations! We don't have partners but I don't doubt if we did Finch would be mine. I believe my intelligent calmness balances out his angered irrationality, you know?'

'You dirty bloody godd--'

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

'I don't know!'

'I don-t care.'

4. Height and weight?

'Tall enough that I keep breaking my nose on the doorframes, which is incredibly painful! I am forty kilograms, which sounds quite bad, but I actually don't have most of my organs at all!'

'Is this a damn medical checkup? I-m the height and weight of an average vending machine.'

5. Sexual orientation?

'Oh, I haven't thought about that since I left my wife all that time ago. Or husband. I can never recall which it was.'

'I get exposed to enough disgusting organic fluids on my job. No thank you.'

6.IQ?

'My Ice is very high Quality, thank you!'

'I-m certain I-m the smartest one in this room.'

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

'What is the smallest bra size, Finch?'

'I don-t really keep tabs on this sort-ve thing, Bingle. If you ask me undergarments as a whole seem like yet another great scam to pay someone else money to have yourself strangled when you least expect it.'

'My bra size is zero!'

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

'Oh, I recall taking karate classes very long ago, so I suppose you could consider my whole body a weapon.'

'My model is so unstable that where I come from it was considered, legally, an improvised explosive. So you could consider my whole body a weapon, too.'

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

'If I were my own lawyer, I don't think I would want myself to answer this question!'

'I bloody well am, and every moment of every day I-m being punished for them.'

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

'Skip this one, I don-t want to hear or think about Bingle-s answer.'

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

'Oh, not recently. Should I?'

'I fantasise about no relations at all.'

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

'The simplistic beauty of "bloody idiot" makes it a far better, more versatile option than most.'

'Crumblo! You complete crumblo! It hasn't caught on quite yet, but, believe me, you will be very insulted in about three or so years.'

13. When was the last time you threw up?

'Exactly two days ago! Oh, what a terrible day that was.'

'What a horrid shift. I was going to puke, too, but I remembered I don-t have any guts.'

14. Have any mental illnesses?

'I-m the only one who doesn-t.'

'Oh, I'm absolutely flooded with them, I don't doubt.'

15. What is your biggest phobia?

'Collapsing walls. Bees. Flooding. Mammoth attacks. Freezing to death. Burning to death. Car crashes. Getting my wiring plucked out one by one by eagles. The black death. Measles. Being stabbed. Brown bears.'

'Oh, I have occasional anxieties that my friends don't really like me, and are just politely putting up with my antics.'

'Black bears. Polar bears. Waterfalls. Short circuiting. The undead. The idea of the afterlife. The idea of there being no afterlife. Rabid dogs. Train accidents. Fate. The--'

16. Do you crossdress often?

'Oh, hardly enough, I don't think.'

'I-m always naked.'

17. Have any addictions?

'I have this horrid addiction to decent interviewing that I really wish I could get a fix for right now.'

'I am addicted to the wonders of science and magic!'

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

'Let me bloody tell you something, there-s not a bloody single moment of any day of any week that I-m not a single slip away from the final slamming dark end to my loose mo--'

'Yesterday for both of us! I died many years ago and remain dead to this very moment and it's not as bad as people say it is. Next question, please!'

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

'Only ever when I-ve let them. They think they-re way slicker than they are...'

'Oh, yes. It's a wonderful alternative to a real holiday, you know. They even give you free food!'

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

'Why? Are you working with them?'

'He's right, you know. That's an awfully suspicious thing to ask of us.'

'That-s an awfully FicPsychey thing to ask of us.'

'Just in case you are with FicPsych, well, you know, you're far less slick than you think you are, I can assure you!'

21. Do you snore?

'I do when I'm being choked!'

'You-re a bunch of bloody bigots. Not everyone in this hellhole needs to breathe.'

22. Are you drooling right now?

'Oh, I hope not. That seems quite rude. And Finch would be terribly upset with me.'

'You-re a bunch of bloody bigots. Not everyone in this hellhole has saliva.'

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

'Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh, this is terrible! I can't--believe this! Oh! The--the wreckage! The waste of life? I don't know if I can handle this. Oh, oh heavens, oh, dear...'

'This is a rubbish question. In the case of a complete explosion of HQ I-d be the first to die. Don-t bloody contest me on this, I think about this constantly.'

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

'Exactly two hours ago!'

'I don-t know, when was it for you? Maybe next time you should try s--tting out a better set of questions for us.'

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

'Oh, I'm sure I've kissed at least one.'

'Don-t you think I-d ever risk the "cooties" disease! I-ve heard of what it does to you!'

26. Did you like it?

'I strive to keep a positive attitude towards all things I do. If I didn't like it, well, I'm sure I learnt some kind of important lesson from it, anyhow!'

'Have you even heard what it does to you? Have you?'

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

'Who the hell else is worth listening to?'

'All voices have a right to be heard and acknowledged, even the slithery, murdery ones!'

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

'Oh, absolutely! I was, and remain, the absolute perfect size and weight to be physically throttled and beaten and so on. Why, were I not myself, I would probably bully myself, too!'

'The other mechs at the scrapping plant called me "paranoid" for wanting to avoid incineration. Well, how-d that turn out, huh? Who-s incinerated and who bloody isn-t, huh?'

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

'Your questions are rubbish and you ought to be fired on the spot. I despise you, personally, and I-m incensed I used up so much of my--incredibly limited--lifespan to involve myself in this.'

'Nope!'

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

'OH, NOT TODAY, NURSE!'

'YOU-RE NOT AS BLOODY SLICK AS YOU THINK YOU ARE!'

[Finch and Bingle, having flipped the table and scattered loose items and sheets of paper all over the floor, disappear into the distance]

The original meme asks you to pick three of your characters to take the interview together, actually. My original concept for this was agents responding to a written series of questions, but since everyone is treating it like a live interview anyway, go for it!

I will not put all five of my main characters (maybe six if I include Henry) in a room together, because if I do that I will run out of room in the post. I might do each set of partners. Will have to think about it.

~Neshomeh

1. Allanya Amanodel, but you can call me Kita if you'd like. Wood elf, from this elaborate D&D homebrew world called Dorasir.
   
   2. DMS, with Nowhere.
   
   3. 125.
   
   4. 5'3", 100 pounds.
   
   5. Demisexual lesbian.
   
   6. You mean Intelligence score? 13.
   
   7. I don't know my exact size - I wear sports bras most of the time - but I think I'm an A or B cup.
   
   8. Three. Mace, bow, and quarterstaff. More if you count spells.
   
   9. No.
   
   10. Yes.
   
   11. Yes.
   
   12. "Sweet baby Zeck on a donkey cart" is pretty hard to top.
   
   13. I'm not sure?
   
   14. Depression and PTSD, though I'm recovering well from the latter.
   
   15. Feeling as helpless as I did the day my sister died.
   
   16. I prefer unisex clothes.
   
   17. I will lose my mind if I don't get enough touch.
   
   18. Once. Ticked off a god and got a sunburst to the face. For a while I was dead-set on kicking him Where It Hurts, but we made up before I got the chance. There were a couple other times I came close - it was a bit of a running joke in the party that if I ever went off alone I'd invariably end up passed out somewhere inconvenient.
   
   19. No, but I've gone to them voluntarily plenty of times.
   
   20. Only when I trance through my therapy appointments.
   
   21. Elves don't sleep.
   
   22. Nope.
   
   23. My crush.
   
   24. *raises eyebrow*
   
   25. Never romantically. I kissed my family a lot, when they were alive.
   
   26. I miss it.
   
   27. Not really. It doesn't usually end well.
   
   28. Nope.
   
   29. ...what the actual shpx
   
   30. Can I have the thumbtack survey to do later if I ever need something innocuous to think about?

Could be better if it weren't for this Monitor lunatic ambushing us. 'Opt-in' my arse. Glad you're coming by later, I need to de-stress after that nonsense.

Your interview was highly entertaining, though. How come I didn't think of that first?

1. Like all of my order, I do not have a name. Call me Singer, it does well enough. I am a human from the Soul-Singer of Tyrnos continuum.
   
   ...very well, if you must know, my mother called me Falloren. But I have not answered to that name for seven years.
   
   2. I do not have a partner. I am working in the Department of Fictional Psychology.
   
   3. I turned twenty-seven last month.
   
   4. Five feet, ten inches. I do not know my exact weight, but I believe it is around average.
   
   5. Asexual and aromantic.
   
   6. I have never tested it.
   
   7. I am flat-chested enough that I wear camisoles instead.
   
   8. None. Singers go unarmed, save for our voices only. With them we may work the will of the High Gods.
   
   9. No.
   
   10. Yes.
   
   11. I enjoy the occasional romance novel, but aside from that, no.
   
   12. I am not inclined to such language.
   
   13. I was rather ill this past December.
   
   14. That would depend on whether you count autism as one.
   
   15. I do not bother with fear, generally. The gods will guide me, and as long as I listen to their call in my heart I will not go astray.
   
   16. Singers' travel clothes are more masculine, but since I have arrived here I have worn my robes.
   
   17. No. Though some do joke that I am addicted to grilled cheese sandwiches, or sleeping in odd places.
   
   18. There was...an incident when I was in training. I would rather not discuss it.
   
   19. I am one myself.
   
   20. Again, I am a nurse myself.
   
   21. I do not believe so. Someone would probably have mentioned it by now.
   
   22. I am filling this out whilst eating a grilled cheese sandwich, so yes.
   
   23. Whoever was closest.
   
   24. I fail to see the relevance of this?
   
   25. Never romantically, but I have kissed plenty of people in blessing. Men, women, everything in between, children, you name it. No other species, though.
   
   26. I find a great deal of joy in my duties.
   
   27. I pray quite often.
   
   28. No.
   
   29. ...I am growing curious as to what the soul of the person who wrote this odd interview would look like.
   
   30. This was...an interesting change of pace. Go with the gods.

The following is a direct transcript of the audio recording of the interview with the Detective.



1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?


Detective: Hi-- right, you and I need to talk. I’ve been gone a while, taking care of a few things. What are the current HQ relative spatiotemporal coordinates?


Interviewer: . . . Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, spe--

D: *sigh* Yeah, right, I forgot. Monitor interview bots, you were never very bright. Should mean I’m at the right timezone, though.


I: . . . Actually, my name is Thomas, and I have a wife and two--

D: My condolences to all three, Thomas. Right, best get started. My name is the Detective. I’m a Time Lord from the Whoniverse.



2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

D: Security. Wait! No, Floaters. Pretty sure I was in Floaters at the moment. Should be in Security soon, though, if you want to start adjusting the employee forms. Save you some time.


3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

D: Seven. Probably a bit above, not sure how much.



4. Height and weight?

D: Tall. And skinny. That’s in metric.


5. Sexual orientation?

D: If you’re worried about orienting yourself then you’re not doing it right. Get into it! Literally. Why would you even care where north was? Ridiculous.



6. IQ?

D: I’d say “higher than yours” but given your position of employment that’s not exactly a high bar.


7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

D: Umm. . . I was a 30F when I met me, if I recall, and I like boxers. They punch good.


8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

D: Enough. Also a sonic screwdriver-- what? Nah, ‘s not a weapon. Who told you that? Ridiculous.


9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

D: Yes, actually, I come very highly recommended, but usually they can’t afford my services. Er, plus ethics. Deeefinitely ethics. *nodding sagely* Ethics.


10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
D: *loud cackling* No.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

D: Yeeees? Duh. Weird question, honestly. *shaking head* You humans, you’re obsessed.


12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

D: Paleomisanthropicarchaeotriskaidekaphobia. Get you banned on seven systems, that word. So much fun to say, though.


13. When was the last time you threw up?

D: When I saw your face! . . . Yeah, you're right, that was a bit rude. Apologies.


14. Have any mental illnesses?

D: Well, I’m still answering your questions, so that ought to tell you something.


15. What is your biggest phobia?

D: This interview continuing!


16. Do you crossdress often?

D: What's crossdressing again? I wear what I like, honestly.


17. Have any addictions?

D: Yes. Next question?


18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

D: You do realize you just asked a Time Lord that question, yeah?


19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

D: *swallows* Um, yeah, actually. It was. . . not my best day.


20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

D: If they are right now it’s for something I don’t know I’ve done yet.


21. Do you snore?

D: Yeah, according to Ave. Don’t see how that’s relevant, though.


22. Are you drooling right now?

D: . . . Yes, definitely. Aaaall over the floor-- gonna need a mop by the time we’re done. *rolls eyes*


23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

D: Probably the person whose death unfixed time so I could save everyone. I’m not picking.


24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

D: For what? Fantastic battering rams, toilets.


25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

D: Well, duh. When I said I was “probably a bit above seven” I may have been very slightly underselling it. Yes, and to all three.


26. Did you like it?

D: Usually.


27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

D: Well, technically, those little voices are me already, so yeah, ‘course I do.


28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

D: Horribly. ‘Cause I took your mom to the prom. And I’m a time traveller! That might even be true. *waggles eyebrows*


29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

D: Yeah, actually, I do, and that’s me wondering why on Rassilon’s orange Gallifrey is number 29 on your list legitimately “I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have you any comments?” Dear Rassilon, something is legitimately wrong with you.


30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

D: Firstly, of course the interview has ended-- how is that even a question? You have a whole numbered list to look at and everything. Secondly, look at my face. Do I look gleeful? And thirdly, break out the thumbtacks. It’s time for your 100 question surve-- Huh, he’s gone. *dusts off hands* Can’t believe that worked. Anyway, Ave-- if this makes it to you, I hope you’re doing okay, and I’ll be hopping by soon. Take care.

The interactions between your agents made this even more fun to read than on their own. And now I'm kind of wishing I'd done the same for mine.

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
   
   Lorson Rho. Human, cyborg. Star Wars.
   
   2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
   
   I'm in Crossovers. Got stuck with a holier-than-you changeling named Dax.
   
   3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
   
   Eh... twenty-four, I think. I'd have to check.
   
   4. Height and weight?
   
   Six foot four, two hundred and thirty pounds. Got a lotta metal in me; no clue how much I'd weigh otherwise.
   
   5. Sexual orientation?
   
   Piss off.
   
   6. IQ?
   
   The hell should I know?
   
   7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
   
   The hell does this matter?
   
   8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
   
   A blaster, an electroknife, four thermal detonators, and two vibroswords that I'll shove up your nff if you keep up with those weird questions.
   
   9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
   
   Murder. Arson. Destruction of property. Shipjacking. Cyber fraud. Probably more, but I ain't keeping track.
   
   10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
   
   [It was at this question Lorson leveled his blaster at me and I quickly decided to move on.]
   
   11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
   
   [Question skipped in favor of maintaining the interviewer's safety.]
   
   12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
   
   Prolly gotta e chu ta. It's just so expressive.
   
   13. When was the last time you threw up?
   
   Most recent mission. I ain't sharin' the details.
   
   14. Have any mental illnesses?
   
   Take a wild karking guess.
   
   15. What is your biggest phobia?
   
   Let's just go with sand so you'll leave me alone.
   
   16. Do you crossdress often?
   
   Why the hell would I do that?
   
   17. Have any addictions?
   
   Dax says I gotta cut back on the booze. I told him to go kriff himself.
   
   18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
   
   Well, these prosthetics ain't for show. There was an explosion. The end.
   
   19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
   
   No.
   
   20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
   
   They better not be.
   
   21. Do you snore?
   
   No.
   
   22. Are you drooling right now?
   
   Why would I be drooling?
   
   23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
   
   Sigh. Prolly Dax, only 'cause he's the only person here I really know.
   
   24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
   
   The shpx does that have to do with anything?
   
   25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
   
   [The blaster was raised again, so I decided to let it go.]
   
   26. Did you like it?
   
   [Question skipped in favor of maintaining the interviewer's safety.]
   
   27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
   
   Naw. I figure if it's just me going crazy, no need to make it happen further.
   
   28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
   
   Never went to school. And I ended up killing everyone who 'made fun' of me growin' up. I don't got much patience for idiots.
   
   29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
   
   Remember what I said about no patience for idiots?
   
   30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
   
   I'm. Leaving.

1. 
   S: My name is Summer Sterling, and I'm apparently from what y'all call World One. I just call it Earth. 'Cause. It's Earth. Yeah. Also I'm human.
   N: My name is Nicholas Hedge! I'm from everywhere, and I'm everything! *hair turns purple*
   S: Nic, no.
   N: Nic, yes!
   
   2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
   S: Freelance. Nic here is my partner.
   N: Also Freelance! And Summer is my partner. He's so shiny.
   S: Ooookaaaay.
   
   3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
   S: God, it's been a long time since I've thought about that. Uhh... No idea how time works around here. I'm gonna say... 23? That sounds right.
   N: I've been for a long time! Probably before I even was.
   S: Nic. What just came out of your mouth.
   N: Words!
   S: Oh boy.
   
   4. Height and weight?
   S: 5'6", 200lbs. I'm American, so sue me. Also, I deadlift. Call me, boys.
   N: Uhh... well, I really like being tall! So I'm usually tall. The tallest I've ever been is eight feet! But that was too tall. I'm also really thin because I like feeling like a reed.
   S: I have to pick him up a lot. I'd say his average weight is around a hundred ten, a hundred twenty pounds. He's alarmingly skinny for how tall he likes to be. And yes. It varies.
   
   5. Sexual orientation?
   S: Gayer than a box of chocolates.
   N: Everyone is so pretty!
   S: I'm pretty sure that means pan? This... guy is allergic to straight answers.
   S: Pff. I'm a comedic genius.
   N: You are?
   
   6. IQ?
   S: I got tested once when I was pretty little... I think they said something about "above average." Honestly, I have no clue. How about this: My IQ is sufficient for my occupation. Good?
   N: What's an IQ?
   S: ...That's actually a great question, Nic. I don't know.
   N: You like to put my answers in words that make sense, so what do you think would make sense here?
   S: I really don't know, Nic. You're a special one. Honestly, if I had to guess, I'd say it's freakishly high.
   
   7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
   S: Briefs. I like all my stuff to keep still, thanks.
   N: Boxers! They're so comfy!
   
   8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
   S: Well, I have my bowie knife on me right now, and I have a sharp-ish pin in my hair that works in a pinch. So technically one, but maybe two.
   N: I don't use those!
   S: You really should, you know. You get hit pretty hard on missions. I'm not always gonna be there when the... stuff hits the fan.
   N: It's okay, Summer! I'll be alright. I worry about you more! You are so squishy, and you live so bright, but when you get hurt you go so dark and cold.
   S: *frowns*
   
   9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
   S: No.
   N: Maybe? I don't know! Ooh, Summer! What if we go somewhere and they want to put me in the bars? That would be so cool!
   S: One, not cool! Two, Nic... that is NOT how jails work.
   
   10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
   S: No.
   N: Nope!
   S: What. No. I refuse to believe this. You are too precious.
   N: *smiles, pokes him in the cheek* Don't be silly, Summer.
   S: I'm nawwwt!
   
   11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
   S: Oh yeah. Ohhh, yeah.
   N: Oh! You mean how Summer is always thinking about sex! Not that much, but sometimes.
   S: Okay, first of all, I do NOT always think about sex. Second of all, can you read my thoughts?!
   N: No, it's just clear on your face! You look like you do when you sleep, only blinking.
   S: It is ever-so-slightly creepy how you apparently know well what I look like when I sleep.
   N: Only because you're always thinking about sex!
   S: No! It is not! I do not always think about sex!
   N: Okay, Summer. If that's what you say.
   S: ...You learned that phrase from me, and I hate both you and myself.
   N: *cheery grin*
   
   12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
   S: *gleefully* F--k!
   N: *goes to do the same*
   S: *puts a hand over his mouth* No. You are legally not allowed to say f--k.
   N: *pouts*
   
   13. When was the last time you threw up?
   S: ...Look, portals are rough on my stomach, okay?
   N: It was two days ago on our last mission! We went through, and then Summer looked blue, and then he threw up!
   S: Where does food even go when you eat it? Do you even have a digestive system?
   N: Sometimes!
   S: Have you ever thrown up?
   N: Nope!
   S: Lucky.
   
   14. Have any mental illnesses?
   S: Probably some generalized anxiety disorder. It's pretty mild, but I've noticed I worry a lot more than it seems like I ought to be worrying.
   N: My mens is fine, I think! I don't know. I haven't been to a medicus mentis.
   S: *mutters* Random Latin-speaking disorder, maybe.
   
   15. What is your biggest phobia?
   S: Losing touch with people I care about.
   N: Not being anymore.
   
   16. Do you crossdress often?
   S: Not often, but I did once and it was pretty darn fun, I'll tell you that. I got so much glitter put on my face. I was wearing this big ol' dress with lacy skirts and pretty pearl buttons... It was white, and white's my color, so I looked pretty great. Shaved for it and everything. It was great! I got up and danced in front of this, like, huge crowd with a bunch of other guys in drag. I loved it. It was fun. Maybe I should do that again.
   N: I've been a girl before! Does that count?
   S: I... don't know, and I don't really want to ask.
   
   17. Have any addictions?
   S: I used to smoke as a teenager but my dad helped me quit.
   N: I don't have any. Addictions are also really scary. They make your whole being depend on one thing! I don't want to get addicted to anything.
   S: *administers shoulder pat*
   
   18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
   S: I almost drove into a tree when I was nineteen. The scare nearly finished the job for it.
   N: I don't know if I've ever not been before. That makes me scared. I don't like this. Can we talk about something else?
   
   19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
   S: Not yet they haven't. *growls* Not yet.
   N: Yes! They were strange. I don't think they liked me very much.
   
   20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
   S: Nope. But they probably will be sometime in the future.
   N: Maybe?
   S: More than likely.
   
   21. Do you snore?
   S: He doesn't.
   N: He does, a little. It whistles!
   
   22. Are you drooling right now?
   S: I'm salivating. It's because I'm eating jerky.
   N: No, but I could be!
   
   23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
   S: *immediately* Nic.
   N: *simultaneously* Summer.
   
   24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
   S: This morning. What the heck do you want to know that for?
   N: I flushed it ten minutes ago! It swirls.
   S: You frighten me a little.
   N: Aww, don't be scared of me! Be scared of Sues! Sues will kill you. I won't do anything to you!
   S: Except accidentally poison me that one time. Or attack me with a pillow. Or how about that time you jumped off the top bunk onto my back and slammed me into the floor?
   N: ...Except for that, I won't do anything to you! *innocent grin*
   
   25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
   S: Yes, yes, and... look, he was blue, okay? I like blue.
   N: Yes, yes, and yes!
   
   26. Did you like it?
   S: No, yes, and... mayyybe.
   N: Yes!
   
   27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
   S: I don't have those. But I do talk to myself. Does that count?
   N: Sometimes! They have a lot of interesting things to say. Sometimes they say danger, and other times they make really bad jokes about Summer's hair.
   S: Hey, tell them to lay off the hair. It's fabulous. I know because I make it look fabulous. It takes a lot of time. And combs.
   N: That's not what they say! But I like it. It's so shiny.
   
   28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
   S: Yeah, probably because I was just kinda small and short. It wasn't a huge deal.
   N: I never went to school, but people make fun of me all the time!
   S: ...Not anymore they won't.
   N: But you make fun of me!
   S: Yeah. I'm allowed to make fun of you.
   N: But they're not?
   S: Nope! They are definitely not.
   
   29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
   S: Alright, well this one is pointless. Thoughts, Nic?
   N: I have lots of thoughts!
   S: *waits*
   S: Care to share?
   N: Maybe later.
   S: Okay then.
   
   30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
   S: *clamps a hand firmly over Nic's mouth* We are very gleeful and would not like that at all. Come on, Nickie, we're going.
   N: *muffled protests, puppy eyes, wriggling*

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
   
   Hell-o! I'm Dax the changeling, and I'm from a D&D homebrew mashup of Eberron and the Forgotten Realms.
   
   2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
   
   I'm in Crossovers, and my partner is... Lorson. Lorson Rho. Not by choice, believe me.
   
   3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
   
   Ehh... probably around three hundred and... twenty? Sure, let's go with that. I've been around a while, and I don't really bother to keep track.
   
   4. Height and weight?
   
   What, like right now or in my original body? This is my current favorite, and I'm about six foot two, a hundred and sixty pounds. My original body is... um. Five foot four, and a hundred and ten pounds. Yeah, yeah, I know I'm little, shut up. I like being tall.
   
   5. Sexual orientation?
   
   Is 'everyone' a sexual orientation?
   
   6. IQ?
   
   Don't know, never checked. My character sheet has an Intelligence of 16 listed if that matters to you.
   
   7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
   
   I mean, my bra size can be anything I want it to be. Though I do have to wonder why you're asking about my underwear. Want to come back to my place and you can find out for yourself?
   
   8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
   
   Just my good old +3 rapier. Picked this bad boy up in a lich's stronghold.
   
   9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
   
   Multiple crimes in multiple kingdoms. Comes with being a sky pirate, you know.
   
   10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
   
   Not since I was seventeen. I think it's safe to say I've had a lot of experience since then.
   
   11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
   
   All. The. Time. Actually, that's one of the things I love about the PPC—nobody cares if you want to take someone to bed. Who would've guessed a world based in the medieval period would have such medieval attitudes about sex?
   
   12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
   
   Well, it's Orcish—hHruka—and it means pathetic weakling, but it's, you know, really derogatory. In orc culture. Which... I'm familiar with. Yep.
   
   13. When was the last time you threw up?
   
   I dunno, I haven't done that in a while that I can remember. Maxed out Constitution score, so I usually succeed on my saving throws.
   
   14. Have any mental illnesses?
   
   Not that I know of, but I'm sure there's some form of PTSD lurking under the surface. We adventurers see some bad stuff.
   
   15. What is your biggest phobia?
   
   ...Not being able to fit in, really. Or being sent back home and having to hide what I am again.
   
   16. Do you crossdress often?
   
   I mean, I regularly shapeshift between male, female, and in-between. I don't think there's crossdressing so much as just cross-gendering.
   
   17. Have any addictions?
   
   No? Maybe? Sex?
   
   18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
   
   Well, early on in my adventuring career, I fell to negative hit points and failed two death saving throws before the party cleric could get me stabilized. And that's as much detail as I'm going to get into. Game terms makes it easier to talk about than describing a goblin spear sticking out of my—well, you know how it goes.
   
   19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
   
   Nah, not yet. Someday, I'm sure. Especially if Lorson keeps up the attitude problem. I won't be held responsible for my actions after that.
   
   20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
   
   You know it! [Dax winked.]
   
   21. Do you snore?
   
   Depends on the body. My usual one doesn't because it's more convenient that way.
   
   22. Are you drooling right now?
   
   Huh? Sorry, I was just thinking about my plans for later. Jacques and Luxury and Talia and I were going to meet up and... well, use your imagination.
   
   23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
   
   ...I don't know. I don't think I could choose. There are too many kids in the Nursery I couldn't leave behind.
   
   24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
   
   So, fun fact about changeling biology? Whenever I feel the urge to go, I just... shift into something that doesn't need to. And when I shift back, the urge is gone. I don't usually advertise that ability because I mean, really, who wants to know about that?
   
   25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
   
   Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh, gods, yes.
   
   26. Did you like it?
   
   You bet I did. Why do you think I've got that foursome later?
   
   27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
   
   Voices, schmoices. I call them my inner demons.
   
   28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
   
   Never attended school. I was literally raised by orcs. They're not exactly big on the concept of school. ...But the other orc kids made fun of me because I was a bit of a runt before my powers manifested.
   
   29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
   
   Can I buy you a drink when this is all over?
   
   30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
   
   I'll take that as a no on the drink, then. Well, it was nice meeting you, but I should really be heading back before my partner does something stupid again.

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
   
   Hiya! I'm Charlotte, Charlotte Webb. Ex-vampire, now human. I'm from the Twilight 'verse.
   
   2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
   
   Well, I would be back in Floaters if the Flowers hadn't jerked us around... but I digress. Ix, my gorgeous wife and partner, and I are in ESAS.
   
   3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
   
   A hundred and eighty-eight, baby! Medical put my physical age at twenty-one, though. Back when I was a vamp, I was frozen at nineteen. It feels good to be ageing again!
   
   4. Height and weight?
   
   Five feet, two inches. I used to be five feet, four inches, but I just had to go and shrink when I morphed... sigh. Oh, and a hundred and five pounds. Ix can pick me up easily. I love it.
   
   5. Sexual orientation?
   
   Well, I guess you could say bisexual, but I definitely have a much greater preference for women.
   
   6. IQ?
   
   I dunno. A hundred is average, right? Maybe it's a little above that?
   
   7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
   
   32A. That was one of the perks about being a vampire, I used to be... well, perkier.
   
   8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
   
   Oh, I don't have any weapons on me right now. I'm pretty hopeless with them, anyway.
   
   9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
   
   God, I should hope not!
   
   10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
   
   Not after my wedding night, I'm sure not! Though Ix and I actually first had... wait, no, I shouldn't kiss and tell.
   
   11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
   
   And act them out!
   
   12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
   
   Hmm. Probably shpx. It's just so versatile, you know?
   
   13. When was the last time you threw up?
   
   I haven't thrown up in this body yet! I hope to keep it like that for a while.
   
   14. Have any mental illnesses?
   
   Don't think so. Which is good, because Ix honestly has enough going on for both of us.
   
   15. What is your biggest phobia?
   
   Spiders. I can't stand them and the way they skitter, eugh.
   
   16. Do you crossdress often?
   
   Nah. Though Ix looks damn good when she does, let me tell you...
   
   17. Have any addictions?
   
   If you'd asked me last year, I would have said blood. Ooh, though I do absolutely love chocolate covered strawberries. If you gave me unlimited access to those things, I'd eat myself sick, and then I could give you an answer about throwing up!
   
   18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
   
   Well... apparently when I got turned into a vampire, it was 1849 and I was dying of cholera. Carlisle found me and my old Sue friend and turned us into vampires, which made me... you know, undead. I don't really remember that, though. It was a long time ago and my human memories are super fuzzy at best.
   
   19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
   
   Nope.
   
   20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
   
   No, and I hope to keep it that way.
   
   21. Do you snore?
   
   Ix says I do, but I don't believe her. There's no way I snore.
   
   22. Are you drooling right now?
   
   Eh? No, why?
   
   23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
   
   I mean, I'd love to say Ix, but honestly I think she'd be the one saving me. And barring Ix, I'd say Olivine, but again, she'd be saving me instead. ...I'm not very good at saving people.
   
   24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
   
   Uh... a few hours ago, I guess? Is this some kind of fetish or something?
   
   25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
   
   Oh, I've kissed Ix loads of times. Does it count as a different species if I was a vampire and she was human? Oh, and I've also kissed Jacques. He's an excellent kisser.
   
   26. Did you like it?
   
   I liked her enough I married her!
   
   27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
   
   Pfff, no. Don't be ridiculous.
   
   28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
   
   If I was, I don't remember. Though considering when I was born, I probably didn't even go to school...
   
   29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
   
   Weird question set you have going on. Is there a reason for them?
   
   30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
   
   I think I'd rather just go home. Ix promised she'd make dinner tonight.

Oh, hey there. What's going on?

1. Feloriel Amasteryl, high elf, D&D. Specifically this homebrew world called Elvhend, and a campaign that never got run.

2. DBS, with Ailienas.

3. 203.

4. Six feet, 140 pounds.

5. Gray ace lesbian.

6. I don't know, but my Intelligence score is 14.

7. 30AA, I believe?

8. Two. Mace and crossbow.

9. No.

10. Mm-hmm.

11. On occasion.

12. Ravens.

13. I don't remember. It was a while ago.

14. *tugs at sleeves* That's getting a bit personal, don't you think?

15. Being seen naked, believe it or not.

16. Clerical robes are unisex.

17. Does capsaicin count?

18. *shrugs*

19. Once. Ailienas sicced them on me.

20. Not at the moment.

21. I don't sleep. I'm an elf.

22. No. Why would I be?

23. ...okay, I admit it, I have a crush. But you do *not* get to know who she is!

24. A couple hours ago.

25. The only people I've ever kissed are my brother and the priestess who initiated me into the clergy. They're both high elves, like me.

26. I suppose so.

27. Only to tell them to shut up.

28. Nope.

29. This was odd.

30. Raven Queen be with you!

((The other seven are forthcoming!))

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
   
   Ix. Human. Potterverse.
   
   2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
   
   ESAS. Charlotte Webb.
   
   3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
   
   Twenty-one.
   
   4. Height and weight?
   
   Five foot eight. And... um. Hundred and fifteen pounds.
   
   5. Sexual orientation?
   
   Bi? Pan?
   
   6. IQ?
   
   Um... I mean, I don't want to brag, but... no, um. I think I'll skip this if that's okay.
   
   7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
   
   I used to be a 36D. No more bras after top surgery.
   
   8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
   
   Just my wand and cane.
   
   9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
   
   Probably. I try not to think about it too much.
   
   10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
   
   [Ix turned red and refused to answer the question. Considering she's married, it's probably safe to say the answer is no.]
   
   11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
   
   I mean, I married another woman, so...
   
   12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
   
   I don't really like swearing. It gives people the wrong impression, you know?
   
   13. When was the last time you threw up?
   
   Last night. I ate too much and made myself sick again.
   
   14. Have any mental illnesses?
   
   Depression. Anxiety. PTSD.
   
   15. What is your biggest phobia?
   
   Next!
   
   16. Do you crossdress often?
   
   I mean... sometimes I wear dresses, and sometimes I wear ties? I usually just go for jeans and button-downs, though.
   
   17. Have any addictions?
   
   No.
   
   18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
   
   I had a really bad accident when I was four. It left me in the hospital for a month and I was bedridden at home for the better part of a year. And before you ask, yes, it's what happened to my face, and no thank you I'd rather not discuss it further.
   
   19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
   
   No, thankfully.
   
   20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
   
   I mean, I visit them all the time...
   
   21. Do you snore?
   
   No. Lottie says I mumble in my sleep a lot, though.
   
   22. Are you drooling right now?
   
   ...What? Why?
   
   23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
   
   Charlotte, of course.
   
   24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
   
   I beg your pardon?
   
   25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
   
   Yes... yes... and, uh, I guess yes if a vampire counts as another species?
   
   26. Did you like it?
   
   [Ix blushed and nodded.]
   
   27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
   
   Wait, what voices? Are you sure you're talking to the right person?
   
   28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
   
   Someone wrote an entire fanfic describing how my classmates tortured me. I walk with a limp and half my face looks like it was chewed off. What do you think?
   
   29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
   
   Can I go now, please?
   
   30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
   
   I'm just relieved. Excuse me, please, I really need to get home and make dinner for my wife.

(Giriana is a character from an RPverse I've toyed with bringing into the PPC. As an agent, she's very much a work in progress.)

Giri

1. Giriana. I'm a dragon of Antarsia

2. ESAS, with no partner.

3. I'm 40.

4. 5'8 and 16 tonnes.

5. As bi as I can be.

6. What's an IQ?

7. B

8. None. But I can make more whenever I wish.

9. No

10. Never with men.

11. All the time.

12. I... actually don't have one.

13. When I lost my eyes.

14. I'm gonna say yes, but technically no.

15. Being caged.

16. Yes. Women's clothes are so uncomfortable.

17. ... No.

18. When I lost my eyes.

19. Once, when I was having coping issues.

20. Not that I'm aware of.

21. No.

22. Why would I be drooling?

23. I'd have to think on that. Feloriel maybe? She's been through enough.

24. Why do you need to know that?

25. Yes, yes, and oh boy yes.

26. I don't know. I think I need to do it more to figure it out.

27. I used to... Now the silence just makes me sad.

28. They wouldn't dare.

29. Not really.

30. I am happy for small mercies.

(First one is Alex.)


1. Alexander Hawke, Human, and Fate

2. DTE(g), and Ce'rana

3. 19

4. 6'2, and about 200 pounds, though I will say I'm all muscle.

5. Straight.

6. I want to say the 120's range, but I've never been properly tested.

7. Boxer briefs, when I actually bother.

8. One sword. All I need.

9. Not wanted, no.

10. Hehehehehehe-No.

11. I won't say I never have, but not really, no.

12. Merda. Short, sweet, and rolls off the tongue.

13. Last time I trained. Got hit in the gut, lost my lunch. Never fun for anybody. Fortunately, I get to do it again after this.

14. Nope.

15. Failure. Death is temporary, but failure is forever.

16. Nope, and you can't prove otherwise.

17. I could kill for some tea.

18. Coming here. Experiments can be dangerous if done without proper preparations.

19. Nope.

20. Not that I'm aware of.

21. I'm gonna go with no.

22. Why would I be drooling? Surveys aren't that fun, you know.

23. Hard to say. I'd save my partner instead of myself if it let me save two people.

24. I'm not even going to question why you're asking this, and just tell you the answer is no.

25. Yes, no, and yes. Usually fun, depending on the species.

26. ...See above. This is why I should read all the questions before answering.

27. We're not on speaking terms right now.

28. Sometimes, when I was younger. I wasn't all that social in my youth. I grew out of it.

29. This is a written question sheet. If you can't think of a question, you just don't put one down. Wait, this is the Monitor. Never mind. No comments.

30. I cannot leave fast enough.

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
   
   I'm Zeb! I'm a Luxray, which is a kind of Pokémon, and I'm from, well, Pokémon!
   
   2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
   
   Department of Mary Sues. You... uh, you know my partner already. The Aviator? You were writing about her all the time not too long ago.
   
   3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
   
   I'm six. I know that doesn't seem too much, but it's actually adult age for my species.
   
   4. Height and weight?
   
   As a Luxray, I'm about four feet, five inches at the shoulder, and as a human I'm six foot one. Ninety-three pounds as a Luxray, a hundred and seventy as a human.
   
   5. Sexual orientation?
   
   Um... I like other males?
   
   6. IQ?
   
   No idea!
   
   7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
   
   ...I don't understand the question, sorry.
   
   8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
   
   Just my claws and teeth and electricity. I can generate sparks from my mane, wanna see?
   
   9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
   
   Oh, gosh, I sure hope not...
   
   10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
   
   Um... ehehe... well, Jacques and I sort of have this thing going on...
   
   11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
   
   [Zeb laughed and nodded sheepishly.]
   
   12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
   
   I like D'Arvit!
   
   13. When was the last time you threw up?
   
   A few weeks ago, I think. We had a really gross mission involving mPreg.
   
   14. Have any mental illnesses?
   
   My nurse said I've got anxiety and PTSD. That stands for something long, but I can't remember what, exactly. Post-something, I think?
   
   15. What is your biggest phobia?
   
   ...Caves. Or Gravelers. Or fire. Explosions in general? Can we move on?
   
   16. Do you crossdress often?
   
   Not often, but I did find out I really like swishy skirts! Especially sparkly ones. I don't use that disguise too often, though, because it's really impractical. Jacques likes it, though.
   
   17. Have any addictions?
   
   Do Poffins count? I love Poffins!
   
   18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
   
   Um... well. I think I died back in my home canon. I have memories of dying, anyway. And then there was the Little Miss Mary incident. I've still got burn scars from that one.
   
   19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
   
   No, but I visit them pretty regularly.
   
   20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
   
   If they were, it's because they want to get to my partner.
   
   21. Do you snore?
   
   Maybe a little bit?
   
   22. Are you drooling right now?
   
   I wasn't, but then I started thinking about what would make me drool, and now I'm thinking about Poffins... mmmm.
   
   23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
   
   Elanor. Ave can look after herself, and I know she'd never forgive me if Ellie died.
   
   24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
   
   ...What?
   
   25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
   
   No, yes, and... yes.
   
   26. Did you like it?
   
   Yes!
   
   27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
   
   What voices?
   
   28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
   
   I never went to school! And I wasn't made fun of on my old team, either. I was one of my trainer's best Pokémon, actually!
   
   29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
   
   This is a really strange interview. Um. Hi, Dee! Ave misses you!
   
   30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
   
   I think I'd rather just go back to my RC and nap, thanks.

1. I'm Amber! I am a... you call them "catgirls"? I am one of those! And something else, not very sure what. Part of me is from HuniePop! The other part... I don't know. Somewhere else!
   
   2. I was assigned to the Department of Floaters! It's a very nice place. I don't have a partner for now!
   
   3. My original, Momo, was "one cat years old", which was rendered as 18 by the game she's from! However, since one cat year can be anything from 15 to 24 human years old, let's say I am 20!
   
   4. I am 5'2'' tall and weigh 100 pounds! Or 160cm and 45kg!
   
   5. I'm a girl, and I like other girls! That makes me... what was the word for it? A "lesbian"? That!
   
   6. I know a lot about a lot if that's what you're asking! And so little about so much, too...
   
   7. Tag says "B"!
   
   8. None! I apparently don't need them, but I'd like something with reach! A gun!
   
   9. Nope! Not yet, at least!
   
   10. Yup!
   
   11. I would if I could "fantasize"!
   
   12. I don't have any! It's easier to remove the would-be source of cursing than cursing!
   
   13. I have never done that!
   
   14. Depends on what you mean by "mental illness"! A regular human would find me very unsettling!
   
   15. Maybe large bodies of water? They make me very uncomfortable!
   
   16. Nope! Never!
   
   17. Nope! None whatsoever!
   
   18. Maybe the time before I met Momo? I don't remember that very well.
   
   19. Nope!
   
   20. Nope! I hope I never give them any reason to!
   
   21. Nope! I have better ways of generating white noise!
   
   22. Nope! Should I?
   
   23. Whoever I found first!
   
   24. Went right before this interview!
   
   25. Nope!
   
   26. Can't answer that! See the above answer!
   
   27. Nope! The Abstracts have nothing to say, and I wouldn't listen to them even if they did!
   
   28. I never went to school!
   
   29. Would you past the Turing test, mysterious Interviewer?
   
   30. So soon? Goodbye!
   

Spensor:-walks in with a boombox and sits down on the chair, his weight causing the legs to bend-

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

Spensor:-turns the boombox on- Yo, my name is Spensor and I’m here to say, I am an Autotbot in a groovy way~

I come from the planet of Cyberton, in the Primax Cluster of the Transformers canon~

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

Spensor: Yo check it, I used to bust other baddies in Advanced species but now I’m poppin’ Sues with my partner Phil in the DoMS scene~

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

Spensor: Several millions years young, don’t call me old. I am young at heartm or so I’ve been told~

4. Height and weight?

Spensor: Um...4 metres tall and 700 lbs fully stocked. That one is harder to rap.

5. Sexual orientation?

Spensor: What’s that?



6. IQ?

Spensor: Oh I’ve heard Phil mention that. He says it’s total bunk though. Then he mentioned something about ‘multiple intelligences’.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

Spensor: I am naked all the time. Not sure why humans take to clothing either.

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

Spensor: I have my trusty blaster and some coolant that I use to spike my beverages. Also I can throw my weight around so I guess all of me counts as well.

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

Spensor: Nah, I kept my aromatic sensors clean.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

Spensor: What’s a virgin? I think I heard Madonna sing a song about that.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

Spensor: What you mean like two mechs? Well, I have dreamt about Optimus carrying me away in his big strong arms...

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

Spensor: Bogus.

13. When was the last time you threw up?

Spensor: Two weeks ago when Phil and I went clubbing.

14. Have any mental illnesses?

Spensor: I have my neural circuits checked regularly. All my lights are still on.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

Spensor: Seeing those lamo Decepticreeps win.

16. Do you crossdress often?

Spensor: Again, I’m naked.

17. Have any addictions?

Spensor:-cracks open a Mood Whiplash and chugs it-Sorry, what was the question?

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

Spensor:...Back on Cybertron I volunteered to stay behind to find any stragglers….there were...a few close calls.

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

Spensor: A few times to determine whether my totally radical attitude was due to mental trauma.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

Spensor: Yes but they have no luck finding me. Hiding in plain sight is kind of my whole races deal.

21. Do you snore?

Spensor: I barely sleep so not sure, but my partner does!

22. Are you drooling right now?

Spensor: Over what? You?

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

Spensor: Phil, obviously. He’s the first (and only) Agent to share an RC with me, and he’s a good teacher.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Spensor: I have no need.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

Spensor: That human ritual always confused me. No to all.

26. Did you like it?

Spensor: I just said I didn’t do it.

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

Spensor: As I said I am malware free.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

Spensor: Never went to the academy, I was too busy trying to run the family business.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

Spensor: Nah this was hella chill.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

Spensor: Yeah no probs, this was tight. I would love to take the survey! And thumbtacks are always great to munch on.

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
   
   Do I have to? Fine. The Aviator, Time Lord... can I just say I'm from Doctor Who and call it good?
   
   2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
   
   Department of Mary Sues, with Zeb. Don't you people know this stuff already?
   
   3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
   
   Officially, four hundred and fifty...five. No, fifty-six. I lost a century in a time loop, though, so if it weren't for that I'd be three hundred and fifty-six.
   
   4. Height and weight?
   
   Generic snarky response about not asking a lady her weight. Um... five foot ten, and probably a hundred and forty pounds?
   
   5. Sexual orientation?
   
   I mean, I guess by human standards it'd be pansexual?
   
   6. IQ?
   
   Okay, look, this is stupid. If I were to put it in a scale humans knew, I'd look like I was bragging. Next question.
   
   7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
   
   ...The hell does this have to do with anyth—oh, fine. 36DD. Sports bras are invaluable out in the field. I miss my second body—flat as a board and never needed one of the damn things.
   
   8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
   
   Staser rifle, staser pistol, a knife in each boot, several miniature explosive charges in my coat, and my sonic screwdriver. Yes, it counts as a weapon.
   
   9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
   
   Not since coming back to the PPC, anyway.
   
   10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
   
   I'm going to stop your next question before you ask it and say yes, it was the goddamn Detective.
   
   11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
   
   Fantasize? Buddy, I had a girlfriend for a few months, get lost.
   
   12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
   
   [The Aviator said a very long string of syllables that I can only assume was something very rude in Gallifreyan.]
   
   13. When was the last time you threw up?
   
   Back when I was pregnant with Elanor. That'd be about two years ago, now. Time Lords don't get sick too often.
   
   14. Have any mental illnesses?
   
   Do you want the list alphabetically or chronologically?
   
   15. What is your biggest phobia?
   
   Daleks. Next question please.
   
   16. Do you crossdress often?
   
   I mean, back when I was a human I did some chest binding if that counts.
   
   17. Have any addictions?
   
   Hilarious. Like you don't know about the drinking problem.
   
   18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
   
   I've died twice now. First time, Rose Potter laid my guts out for me to see, and I remember you reported extensively on that fact. The second time was during the Time War. Temporal bomb went off and I was caught in the explosion. That was when I got stuck in the time loop. Got to experience a century of shrapnel hitting me over and over, it was fun.
   
   19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
   
   If you're asking me for the juicy details of my time as an involuntary patient you can go look back over your past trashy articles.
   
   20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
   
   Not anymore, at least.
   
   21. Do you snore?
   
   No, but I scream in my sleep.
   
   22. Are you drooling right now?
   
   The shpx kind of question is that?
   
   23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
   
   Elanor. Much as I'd hate to leave Zeb behind, I'm starting to think he's able to survive any explosion at this point. Kid's like a cockroach, and I mean that in the most loving way possible.
   
   24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
   
   I dunno, earlier today on a mission? Is this some kind of fetish?
   
   25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
   
   Yes, yes, and yes. Next.
   
   26. Did you like it?
   
   Wouldn't have kissed them if I didn't, would I?
   
   27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
   
   You know, my therapist generally says that's a bad idea.
   
   28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
   
   ...Yeah. I was. My classmates actually nearly killed me twice because they thought it would be funny, and I had permanent back issues from another incident until I came to the PPC and Medical was able to fix me up. I was just the weird loner kid that nobody liked. And that's enough information from me.
   
   29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
   
   Go jump off a bridge.
   
   30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
   
   [The Aviator flipped me the bird and left.]

Phil:-walks in disheveled with a bag of Doritos-

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

Phil: Um...Phil. I am a human and uh...unspecified.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

Phil: I work for the Department of Mary Sues. -wipes some Dorito dust off in his sweatpants- And my partner is uh….Spensor. Listen, is this gonna take long?

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

Phil: 20ish

4. Height and weight?

Phil: 5’8’’, 160 lbs -munches some Doritos- probably more if I keep eating this stuff.

5. Sexual orientation?

Phil:...Unspecified.

6. IQ?

Phil: Also unspecified.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

Phil: Not sure about bra size my I prefer briefs. Or “commando”.

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

Phil: Zero. Why carry when there’s plenty of potentially deadly objects just lying around?

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

Phil: I’m probably wanted for crimes against fashion.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

Phil: No.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

Phil:...Yes.

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

Phil: The f-word. I’d rather not say it out loud though.

13. When was the last time you threw up?

Phil: -scratches head- Probably two weeks ago when Spense and I went clubbing.

14. Have any mental illnesses?

Phil: Not that I know of.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

Phil: Drowning.

16. Do you crossdress often?

Phil: Odd question but no. Of course most of my clothing is unisex so....also most of the time?

17. Have any addictions?

Phil: Youtube videos.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

Phil: I once got into a car accident. That’s all I gotta say about that.

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

Phil: Not yet, but I feel my luck is about to run out.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

Phil: I sure hope not.

21. Do you snore?

Phil: Ask Spensor, he’d know. Spends the whole night up playing PS2.

22. Are you drooling right now?

Phil: Over what? Certainly not you.

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

Phil:...-sighs- Spensor.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Phil: Really weird question but before I came in.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

Phil: Yes, yes and yes.

26. Did you like it?

Phil: -nods-

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

Phil: All the time.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

Phil: I was the socially awkward dork that made an easy target out of myself.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

Phil: You really need to add some kind of incentive to come to these things. Like a free coffee or a chance to win a gift certificate. Some of these Agents are starving and in college.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

Phil: Why did you ask if the interview has ended? Aren’t you the one who should know that? Anyways, no thank you, although that does sound marginally better than Spensor dancing the macarena.

>Or just weren't taking the thing seriously?

Oh, I just wasn't taking it seriously. At all. :-P

>Why'd you guys balk at seeing those speakers as real people, but not as much at the others?

I didn't, actually. I thought of a ton of real characters that could be. I just thought that answer was funnier than any of the other ones I could give.

:-P