'I-d just like to mention...'

Subject: 'I-d just like to mention...'
Author: Finch and Bingle
Posted on: 2019-02-22 04:34:00 UTC

'That I don-t like what you-re implying, when you want to interview Bingle and I together.'

'What's wrong with us being interviewed together, Finch?'

'The implication that we represent two sides of one whole, like we-re just two halves of some kind of mildly funny comedic duo or something, rather than real individuals in our own right.'

'Oh! Well, what else did you think we were?'

'What the Hell does tha--'

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

'Bingle! I am Bernhard Bingard Bingle, I am a human, and I am from nowhere at all!'

'S86FNC-11630, Domestiworks V7 "Provend" automatic vending machine, "dried fruit orange" paint scheme, standard line. My theory is that I-m from Hell. It-d explain a lot.'

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

'The Department of Rubbish Losers Nobody Cares About Who Don-t Get Enough Funding.'

'The Department of Operations! We don't have partners but I don't doubt if we did Finch would be mine. I believe my intelligent calmness balances out his angered irrationality, you know?'

'You dirty bloody godd--'

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

'I don't know!'

'I don-t care.'

4. Height and weight?

'Tall enough that I keep breaking my nose on the doorframes, which is incredibly painful! I am forty kilograms, which sounds quite bad, but I actually don't have most of my organs at all!'

'Is this a damn medical checkup? I-m the height and weight of an average vending machine.'

5. Sexual orientation?

'Oh, I haven't thought about that since I left my wife all that time ago. Or husband. I can never recall which it was.'

'I get exposed to enough disgusting organic fluids on my job. No thank you.'

6.IQ?

'My Ice is very high Quality, thank you!'

'I-m certain I-m the smartest one in this room.'

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

'What is the smallest bra size, Finch?'

'I don-t really keep tabs on this sort-ve thing, Bingle. If you ask me undergarments as a whole seem like yet another great scam to pay someone else money to have yourself strangled when you least expect it.'

'My bra size is zero!'

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

'Oh, I recall taking karate classes very long ago, so I suppose you could consider my whole body a weapon.'

'My model is so unstable that where I come from it was considered, legally, an improvised explosive. So you could consider my whole body a weapon, too.'

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

'If I were my own lawyer, I don't think I would want myself to answer this question!'

'I bloody well am, and every moment of every day I-m being punished for them.'

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

'Skip this one, I don-t want to hear or think about Bingle-s answer.'

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

'Oh, not recently. Should I?'

'I fantasise about no relations at all.'

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

'The simplistic beauty of "bloody idiot" makes it a far better, more versatile option than most.'

'Crumblo! You complete crumblo! It hasn't caught on quite yet, but, believe me, you will be very insulted in about three or so years.'

13. When was the last time you threw up?

'Exactly two days ago! Oh, what a terrible day that was.'

'What a horrid shift. I was going to puke, too, but I remembered I don-t have any guts.'

14. Have any mental illnesses?

'I-m the only one who doesn-t.'

'Oh, I'm absolutely flooded with them, I don't doubt.'

15. What is your biggest phobia?

'Collapsing walls. Bees. Flooding. Mammoth attacks. Freezing to death. Burning to death. Car crashes. Getting my wiring plucked out one by one by eagles. The black death. Measles. Being stabbed. Brown bears.'

'Oh, I have occasional anxieties that my friends don't really like me, and are just politely putting up with my antics.'

'Black bears. Polar bears. Waterfalls. Short circuiting. The undead. The idea of the afterlife. The idea of there being no afterlife. Rabid dogs. Train accidents. Fate. The--'

16. Do you crossdress often?

'Oh, hardly enough, I don't think.'

'I-m always naked.'

17. Have any addictions?

'I have this horrid addiction to decent interviewing that I really wish I could get a fix for right now.'

'I am addicted to the wonders of science and magic!'

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

'Let me bloody tell you something, there-s not a bloody single moment of any day of any week that I-m not a single slip away from the final slamming dark end to my loose mo--'

'Yesterday for both of us! I died many years ago and remain dead to this very moment and it's not as bad as people say it is. Next question, please!'

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

'Only ever when I-ve let them. They think they-re way slicker than they are...'

'Oh, yes. It's a wonderful alternative to a real holiday, you know. They even give you free food!'

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

'Why? Are you working with them?'

'He's right, you know. That's an awfully suspicious thing to ask of us.'

'That-s an awfully FicPsychey thing to ask of us.'

'Just in case you are with FicPsych, well, you know, you're far less slick than you think you are, I can assure you!'

21. Do you snore?

'I do when I'm being choked!'

'You-re a bunch of bloody bigots. Not everyone in this hellhole needs to breathe.'

22. Are you drooling right now?

'Oh, I hope not. That seems quite rude. And Finch would be terribly upset with me.'

'You-re a bunch of bloody bigots. Not everyone in this hellhole has saliva.'

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

'Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh, this is terrible! I can't--believe this! Oh! The--the wreckage! The waste of life? I don't know if I can handle this. Oh, oh heavens, oh, dear...'

'This is a rubbish question. In the case of a complete explosion of HQ I-d be the first to die. Don-t bloody contest me on this, I think about this constantly.'

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

'Exactly two hours ago!'

'I don-t know, when was it for you? Maybe next time you should try s--tting out a better set of questions for us.'

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

'Oh, I'm sure I've kissed at least one.'

'Don-t you think I-d ever risk the "cooties" disease! I-ve heard of what it does to you!'

26. Did you like it?

'I strive to keep a positive attitude towards all things I do. If I didn't like it, well, I'm sure I learnt some kind of important lesson from it, anyhow!'

'Have you even heard what it does to you? Have you?'

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

'Who the hell else is worth listening to?'

'All voices have a right to be heard and acknowledged, even the slithery, murdery ones!'

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

'Oh, absolutely! I was, and remain, the absolute perfect size and weight to be physically throttled and beaten and so on. Why, were I not myself, I would probably bully myself, too!'

'The other mechs at the scrapping plant called me "paranoid" for wanting to avoid incineration. Well, how-d that turn out, huh? Who-s incinerated and who bloody isn-t, huh?'

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

'Your questions are rubbish and you ought to be fired on the spot. I despise you, personally, and I-m incensed I used up so much of my--incredibly limited--lifespan to involve myself in this.'

'Nope!'

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

'OH, NOT TODAY, NURSE!'

'YOU-RE NOT AS BLOODY SLICK AS YOU THINK YOU ARE!'

[Finch and Bingle, having flipped the table and scattered loose items and sheets of paper all over the floor, disappear into the distance]

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Meet the PPC by The Multiverse Monitor on 2019-02-21 18:54:00 UTC Reply

Attention all agents!

The ~~Fake~~ Multiverse Monitor, as part of its ongoing efforts to step out of the shadow of its ~~competitor~~ predecessor and improve the quality of the ~~scandalous gossip~~ news media in Headquarters, is hosting an opt-in series of interviews with YOU, the agents of the PPC! Let us get to know you a little better by answering the questions at the end of this message. Participation is completely optional, but should you begin the interview, every question MUST be answered, however difficult it might be. Otherwise, what's the point?

Please address submissions to Response Center 14 2536 by ICEP or regular post. Responses will be featured in upcoming editions of the Multiverse Monitor. The staff reserves the right to edit responses for brevity, clarity, and ~~hilarity~~ good taste.

OOC comments: Hey, all! It seems too quiet around here, so I thought we might liven things up with a little game that lets us do something I think we all enjoy, which is talking about our characters. I found the following wacky OC character interview on deviantART. I'm reproducing it here for convenience, and also because I'm adapting it slightly.

Please respond in-character as your agent(s), not yourself. Permission is not required for this. In fact, if you're working on building characters, that's all the more reason to join in! Please do try to answer all the questions—but note that nothing says your characters have to answer in an honest or even useful way. ^_~

Oh, and please keep it PG-13. It's the Monitor, so this interview is not exactly a paragon of high virtue, but still. {= )

I'm not planning to actually do anything with the responses myself, but if anyone else is bitten by the journalism bug, have at it!

I'll supply my own responses, too, but probably not today.

Have fun!

~Neshomeh

The OC Interview of Hilarity
by Shuuva

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

4. Height and weight?

5. Sexual orientation?

6. IQ?

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

13. When was the last time you threw up?

14. Have any mental illnesses?

15. What is your biggest phobia?

16. Do you crossdress often?

17. Have any addictions?

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

21. Do you snore?

22. Are you drooling right now?

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

26. Did you like it?

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

Thank you kindly for your completely voluntary submission! The ~~Totally Bogus~~ Multiverse Monitor disclaims any and all liability for any damages (mental, physical, finanicial, spiritual, or otherwise) incurred by your participation. Have a nice day!

--MM

My self-insert agent's interview! by Neo Skater on 2019-03-22 00:36:00 UTC Reply
1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
  
  Uhh, ORE WA TENKUJI TAKERU, AND ON MY 16TH BIRTHDAY, I WAS KILLED BYA CREATURE CALLED A GANMA, AND BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY... okay, I forgot what comes after that.
  
  I'm Skater, a human from World One.
  
  2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
  
  Uhh, I'm in the Department of Floaters, and I'm partnered with one of my very old original characters who I've tried to recycle many times! He's an anthropomorphic Tiger Dragon from the Dragon Story continuum named Leo.
  
  3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
  
  Uhh, I don't give out my private information for everyone to see. That's unsafe.
  
  4. Height and weight?
  
  Again, that's private information.
  
  5. Sexual orientation?
  
  Straight. (This shouldn't even have to be a question...)
  
  6. IQ?
  
  Again, that's private.
  
  [Some questions were redacted because Neo Skater refused to write answers for them. Being an author, reality can be whatever he wants.]
  
  8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
  
  I have this axe, I have a handgun for ranged fights, and I think that's it.
  
  9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
  
  Not that I know of.
  
  [redacted]
  
  [redacted]
  
  12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
  
  Heck. It's a very ironic and light substitute for a curse word and makes me sound funny, like a true meme lord.
  
  13. When was the last time you threw up?
  
  Uhh... hmmm... I can't remember.
  
  14. Have any mental illnesses?
  
  Stop asking me these private questions!
  
  15. What is your biggest phobia?
  
  I'm afraid of heights under certain conditions and the dark.
  
  [redacted]
  
  17. Have any addictions?
  
  Nope.
  
  18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
  
  ...
  
  Look, I can remember only one thing that counts as dying in my opinion anyway, and I really don't want to talk about it.
  
  Oh right! I guess my first mission counts as I was just getting started and Sues are very dangerous beings.
  
  19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
  
  20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
  
  21. Do you snore?
  
  I don't know.
  
  22. Are you drooling right now?
  
  No.
  
  23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
  
  Leo, of course.
  
  24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
  
  Why do you need to know?
  
  [redacted]
  
  27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
  
  Well, I tend to voice my thoughts out loud and monologue to myself, making up character dialogue and ideas for stories and the ways scenes should go.
  
  28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
  
  For the last time, STOP! ASKING THESE! PRIVATE! QUESTIONS!
  
  29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
  
  There were a lot of very personal questions in this interview. You should substitute those for other ones.
  
  30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
  
  I am very, very gleeful, thank you very much. (Someone please get me away from this crazy interviewer before he does something to me)
And Agent!Snowblaze by Snowblaze on 2019-03-01 14:58:00 UTC Reply
1. Snowblaze, human, World One.
  2. Floaters, Norwen Feanoriel. Why, why, why?
  3. I'm a teenager. Assuming I haven't been aged up by plothole.
  4. Tall but light. Can never remember exactly.
  5. Unknown so far.
  6. *shrugs* Definitely fairly high, but I don't know exactly.
  7. Something B?
  8. Zero.
  9. No.
  10. Yes.
  11. No.
  12. I don't curse.
  13. Last really awful mission, I think.
  14. No.
  15. I really don't like snakes.
  16. No.
  17. No.
  18. I've never really come that close. Yet. Except That Incident when Norwen went flamethrower-crazy.
  19. No.
  20. No.
  21. Very occasionally.
  22. No.
  23. I don't know... I'd like to say Norwen but she'd be the cause of the explosion and there's no-one else I know that well.
  24. ...About an hour ago, not that that's at all relevant.
  25. No.
  26. See previous question.
  27. I don't have little voices in my head.
  28. I'm home-educated, so know.
  29. No.
  30. I am gleeful.
  
  ...I'm really not the most exciting person, am I?
I'll try out a couple of concept agents... by Snowblaze on 2019-03-01 14:47:00 UTC Reply
1. Norwen Feanoriel, Noldorin elf, Middle-earth.
  2. Floaters, Agent Snowblaze.
  3. I don't really know. I'd guess about seven hundred?
  4. Unknown. I have better things to do than monitor my weight.
  5. No comment.
  6. What even is an IQ? *Interviewer explains* Oh, right. If my dad's anything to go by, very high.
  7. Not telling. And definitely no peeking.
  8. *counts on fingers* About four, not counting the flamethrower.
  9. Well, someone did get angry about That One Incident shortly after I arrived in the PPC, but that's no big deal. I only burnt two or three RCs.
  10. My backstory isn't clear enough to know, but considering where I spent four hundred years I hope so.
  11. No comment.
  12. Something in Quenya which is so rude I won't say it in any language.
  13. No comment. Haven't since I joined the PPC and beyond that see question 10.
  14. We elves are not familiar with the concept of mental illnesses.
  15. Evil!Sues. And getting a mission into Silmarillion
  16. Fairly. I mostly used to share clothes with my brothers.
  17. Do Silmarils count?
  18. I haven't died. I've been close to dying a lot of times, but one that comes to mind is being shot in the stomach by PPC agents.
  19. ...maybe?
  20. No.
  21. No.
  22. No.
  23. I suppose I should say Agent Snowblaze as she's my partner, but to be perfectly honest I'd probably be the cause of the explosion.
  24. Is that really relevant?
  25. See question ten.
  26. See question ten.
  27. Sometimes. I mostly ignore them as they never say anything which is actually useful.
  28. Elves do not have schools. But no-one would dare make fun of me.
  29. I might have to use some of those hidden weapons if you invade my privacy any more.
  30. I am not unhappy about it.

Should really have added this to the last post. by Snowblaze on 2019-03-01 14:48:00 UTC Reply

Yes, I do plan to write an uncanonical daughter of Feanor. May the Valar have mercy on my soul.

Sorry for the delay. by Androia Avatar on 2019-03-01 12:13:00 UTC Reply

Apparently we skipped another year or two while we were on that last mission. But we are still in time, are we?

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
Androia Avatar, night elf, World of Warcraft.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
DMS, with Agent Hieronymus.

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
Huh, this is difficult. As far as I could determine, I must have been created in 2008, which would make me ten years old going on eleven. But most of the first seven years I spent dreaming the Emerald Dream, so I had only about three weeks of life experience when I joined the PPC, and with the weird time flow here, I got only some more weeks since then. But if I compare myself to other people, I look quite grown up. If there is an assumed age for newly created night elves, it may be best to go with that.

4. Height and weight?
Half an inch taller than Hieronymus, and I never knew my weight, and never cared.

5. Sexual orientation?
Apparently my creator did not bother to give me much of an agenda, so I am still trying to figure this out.

6. IQ?
What is an eye cue?

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
This is none of your business – I guess?

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
Just one knife. I would like to have my staff, but obviously it stayed back in the inn when I fell through that plot hole while sleeping.

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
No.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
Hey, I am ten years old! Or even less! Or maybe not?

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
Same-sex? Oh well, I met Luxury – but no.

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
Sectumsempra?

13. When was the last time you threw up?
I do not remember throwing up ever.

14. Have any mental illnesses?
Probably not.

15. What is your biggest phobia?
Being enslaved again.

16. Do you crossdress often?
If girls wearing leather trousers counts, I did this whenever I expected a hard fight that required the best armour I could get. Unfortunately, I lost all my luggage when I fell through that plot hole, so I am stuck with my gown now.

17. Have any addictions?
No.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
I died several times. Fortunately, this is not permanent in my home continuum.

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
No.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
Why would they be?

21. Do you snore?
If I did, I would not be aware of it, and I do not know whom to ask.

22. Are you drooling right now?
Should I? Is this some custom I did not learn about yet?

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
Agent Hieronymus.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
As far as I remember I never used a toilet.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
Yes, no, and yes – it was a human girl.

26. Did you like it?
When Luxury kissed me, I did not really know what this was about and just kissed her back. But now I think this might have been inappropriate.
[[OOC: Luxury started to investigate Androia’s origin only after finding out that her knickers – still sticking to the game mechanics – aren’t removable, and she stopped any and all sexual activities as soon as she realized that Androia might be much younger than she looks like. Also, having to use the toilet for the first time in her life will probably be part of Androia’s development from a game character to a real person. HG]]

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
Do you mean the commanding voice? I yelled at it all the time, but to no avail; I still had to follow orders. Thanks Elune it shut up since I arrived here.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
Have you ever seen any schools in the World of Warcraft?

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
This was a weird experience.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
Has it? I will just leave then.

So itÂ’s my turn now? by Hieronymus Graubart on 2019-03-01 13:55:00 UTC Reply

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
Hieronymus Graubart, human, World One.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
I’m in the Department of Mary Sues, Harry Potter Division. My partner is Androia Avatar.

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
Counting from my birth date, I should be sixty-five, but apparently I skipped some years since I arrived here. Anyway, I don’t feel that old..

4. Height and weight?
One hundred and seventy-five centimetres from sole to crest, which would be five feet nine inches for you non-metric people, and Androa isn’t taller than I am; she’s just cheating.

Oh, the weight? Some twenty pounds too much.

5. Sexual orientation?
As strait as my jacket.

6. IQ?
Don’t know, don’t care.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
I don’t wear bras, and concerning my underwear, I don’t have any specific preferences.

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
None.

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
I hope not.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
Nope.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
Nope.

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
Flying Featherduster.

13. When was the last time you threw up?
Probably on that one mission, when the Sue immobilized Androia and I had to grab the knife and got glitter all over me. But with the weird time flow, I’m not sure whether this even happened yet.

14. Have any mental illnesses?
None that I know of.

15. What is your biggest phobia?
Having to deliver a public address.

16. Do you crossdress often?
I don’t think that wearing robes counts.

17. Have any addictions?
Excuse me; I’ll be back in a minute.
...
(mumbling) damned hypertrophic prostate.
Next question, please.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
On the contrary. At last count, there were about five of me; I don’t know how we spawn everywhere.
[[OOC: Agent Hieronymus, Boarder Hieronymus, Baron Hieronymus the hermit, a student who is probably stuck at the Official Fanfiction Academy of Azeroth forever, and an alternate agent who allegedly writes real person fic about his partner Androiaavata and a self-insert Gary Stu. I’m aware that Agent Hieronymus shouldn’t know about the others, but occasionally slipping up in harmless ways is part of the fun in writing a self-insert.]]

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
Nah, not the nurses; some DIA-agents dragged me to FicPsych after dragging me out of the archive.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
I don’t think so.

21. Do you snore?
My wife claimed that I do— NEXT QUESTION!

22. Are you drooling right now?
Definitely not!

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
Androia Avatar.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
Seven questions ago.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
More than one, no, and no.

26. Did you like it?
Mostly.

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
What voices?

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
Since I don’t like to talk, and tend to grin when I’m nervous, people believed me to be arrogant, and they tried to make fun of that. But being called "professor" didn’t actually feel too derogatory.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
I’ve already talked far too much.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
Gleeful doesn’t sound right, but I’m glad that it’s over, and no, thanks, bye.

HG

oc interview by QuantumMelody29 on 2019-02-27 20:43:00 UTC Reply
1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
  Oh, hi! I'm Quantum, a vampire from the memoirs of a neurotic zombie continuum!
  2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
  Uuuum... Department of floaters currently, and my partner is agent Kit!
  3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
  A century or so... I think 150 to be exact.
  4. Height and weight?
  I am 5' 6" and I weigh... Lemme just go check...
  5. Sexual orientation?
  Well... I've never really felt attracted to anyone... So ace I guess.
  6. IQ?
  I never got tested... I hope it's not too bad...
  7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
  ...Erm... Why do you want to know?
  8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
  Erm, depends if you count my fangs or not... So, on me personally I have- Oh yeah! I weigh 118 pounds!
  9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
  Not that I can remember... But I'm very forgetful.
  10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
  Yup. Nuff said.
  11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
  Nah.
  12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
  Oh, it's- I'm not saying that!
  13. When was the last time you threw up?
  Erm... Well, there was this one slashfic of the star wars holiday special...
  14. Have any mental illnesses?
  People say I'm a bit ADHD and I guess they're right.
  15. What is your biggest phobia?
  Um... Probably getting staked or something.
  16. Do you crossdress often?
  I think I just wear boyish clothes quite alot.
  17. Have any addictions?
  Nope, unless you count chocolate. Or making bad puns.
  18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
  
  19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
  I don't think so... Actually there was that one time I got a little too overexited about an explosive!
  20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
  Only when I'm messing around with dubious chemicals.
  21. Do you snore?
  Maybe. No one's said anything.
  22. Are you drooling right now?
  No...
  23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
  My plant collection! No, my chemistry set! No, Kit! No, maybe a flower?
  24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
  Erm... Well, I was about to use it but now I'm doing this!
  25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
  What sort of kiss? Like a friendly one or a lovey dovey smooch?
  26. Did you like it?
  WHAT KISS?!
  27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
  Huh? I was just about able to ignore them but now you brought it up...
  28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
  Yup. I was a weird kid. There were weirder but I felt more at home with the other vampires.
  29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
  Can I go now?
  30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
  Nope thanks bye!

oops by QuantumMelody29 on 2019-02-27 20:47:00 UTC Reply

Forgot to mention this was an idea I had for an agent. I forgot to answer 18 so here's the answer.

18. I guess it was probably when I tripped over and almost landed on a conveniently placed stake.

Agent Gibbs by 61516 on 2019-02-27 04:38:00 UTC Reply
1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
  
  Rasputin Gibbs, draconian, world one point nine six three.
  
  2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
  
  Implausible Crossovers, Caleb Bradbury.
  
  3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
  
  Twenty four.
  
  4. Height and weight?
  
  Six foot eight, two hundred and eighteen pounds.
  
  5. Sexual orientation?
  
  You can’t say it in a human language.
  
  6. IQ?
  
  One twenty.
  
  7. Boxers or briefs?
  
  I’m a lizard.
  
  8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
  
  I just have my flashgun. It’s a multi-function personal energy sidearm with three power levels and three different modes of operation: less-than-lethal, telekinesis, and Bad News. It is, quite simply, the finest weapon ever invented.
  
  9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
  
  No.
  
  10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
  
  No.
  
  11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
  
  No.
  
  12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
  
  By Yark’s flaming spear!
  
  13. When was the last time you threw up?
  
  Two years ago.
  
  14. Have any mental illnesses?
  
  I’m not going to answer that.
  
  15. What is your biggest phobia?
  
  I’m not going to answer that.
  
  16. Do you crossdress often?
  
  No.
  
  17. Have any addictions?
  
  No.
  
  18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
  
  I’m not going to answer that.
  
  19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
  
  Yes.
  
  20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
  
  No.
  
  21. Do you snore?
  
  No.
  
  22. Are you drooling right now?
  
  No.
  
  23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
  
  Bradbury.
  
  24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
  
  This “morning”.
  
  25. Have you ever kissed another species??
  
  No.
  
  26. Did you like it?
  
  You’re reading off of a cue card, aren’t you?
  
  27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
  
  No.
  
  28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
  
  Only a little. It happened to me because it happens to everyone in draconian public school, including the teachers.
  
  29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
  
  No.
  
  30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
  
  No.

Agent Bradbury by 61516 on 2019-02-27 04:39:00 UTC Reply
1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
  
  I’m Colonel Caleb Bradbury, I’m human, and I unfortunately come from an unpublished fanfic from a comparatively small continuum.
  
  2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
  
  I have the pleasure of being in the Department of Implausible Crossovers, and the even greater pleasure of working with the esteemed Rasputin Gibbs.
  
  3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
  
  I’m fifty-six.
  
  4. Height and weight?
  
  I’m one point eight six meters tall, and I weigh one hundred and fifty-four pounds.
  
  5. Sexual orientation?
  
  I’d say I’m straight.
  
  6. IQ?
  
  I’ve never checked.
  
  7. Boxers or briefs?
  
  When you’ve lived like I have, you come to realize that the best kind of underwear is the kind you have.
  
  8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
  
  Just one, a Browning Hi-Power. I got this back in twenty-two, and it’s just as lethal as the day I was given it. The straight razor in my pocket is a beloved family heirloom and definitely not a weapon, and I would only use it as one if someone did something very mean to me or my friend...
  
  9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
  
  Forgery, fraud, grand larceny, petty larceny, smuggling, highway robbery, misuse of government property, corruption, theft of government property, in case this my Browning Hi-Power… I could go on.
  
  10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
  
  Nope.
  
  11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
  
  Just give me a moment... hold on… now I have.
  
  12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
  
  Shit. It was the first English swear world I learned, and my ability to swear in English made me seem pretty cool in high school.
  
  13. When was the last time you threw up?
  
  I think it was back in forty-five. It’s a long story, but the upshot is that a guy stuck his fingers down my throat at a charity event.
  
  14. Have any mental illnesses?
  
  Nope.
  
  15. What is your biggest phobia?
  
  Impotence, in both senses of the word.
  
  16. Do you crossdress often?
  
  Nope.
  
  17. Have any addictions?
  
  Only adventure.
  
  18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
  
  Brazil, twenty twenty-nine. Me and the rest of the platoon got caught in a roadside bomb, and the medics had to patch up my skeleton with cybernetics.
  
  19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
  
  Nope.
  
  20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
  
  Nope.
  
  21. Do you snore?
  
  I used to.
  
  22. Are you drooling right now?
  
  Nope.
  
  23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
  
  Who’s in HQ at the time? What kind of explosive? Why’s it about to explode? I need more information.
  
  24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
  
  About forty five minutes ago.
  
  25. Have you ever kissed a boy?
  
  Yes.
  
  26. Did you like it?
  
  Also yes. Oh... to be young again...
  
  27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
  
  Sorry, I was somewhere else. The voices? No, I just hear the dull thud of mortar fire.
  
  28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
  
  Nope. Teenage me did a lot of things got me respect at the time, but that I now regret.
  
  29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
  
  It should be established that I’m wearing a suit. I think more people should wear suits for interviews.
  
  30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
  
  Let’s see the hundred questions.

Interviews for my characters by Tomash on 2019-02-27 04:35:00 UTC Reply

Peregrin:
1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

I am Agent Peregrin, formerly Fraa Peregrin of the Fifth Sconics at the millenarian math at Savant Rambraf's in a universe near Anathem. Oh, and my species is Arban, but human is close enough.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

I am in Mary Sues, and my partner is Taq. Nice fellow, overall

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

Oh, 247. Or maybe forty-eight. Or forty-six. I cannot quite remember, and time in Headquarters is an absolute mess.

4. Height and weight?

I would have to go check medical records. And find out how to check medical records. "Short and on the thin side" is probably a reasonable description though.

5. Sexual orientation?

Heterosexual, unless something changed since the last time I was actively interested in that sort of thing.

6. IQ?

No idea, and the idea of a single intelligence score seems limited. I am pretty good at theoretical physics though.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

[several paragraphs about various clothing styles among the avout and Peregrin's preferences omitted]

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

That really depends on what you consider weapons. If we are only counting primarily intended to be used as weapons, then none, but if things I could reasonably use as a weapon count then about two&emdash;a remote activator and a book.

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

No.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

Also no. Those were some very enjoyable evenings.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

I do not remember, so very likely not.

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

Bull[crap].

13. When was the last time you threw up?

A few days ago? Not sure where or why though.

14. Have any mental illnesses?

General absentmindendess and politics resistance, if those count

15. What is your biggest phobia?

I will have to think about that one.

16. Do you crossdress often?

That term does not apply in my case.

17. Have any addictions?

Coffee, and possibly Bleeprin.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

Closest would be after I fell into Headquarters, I think. I was not adapted to the oxygen.

Though being in close proximity to radioactive waste on a regular basis might be a close second.

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

I did get escorted down there for some explanations and an evaluation a few days after I arrived, if that counts. I also got led out of FicPsych a few times because I had wandered in there.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

I do not believe so.

21. Do you snore?

If I do, no one has complained about it.

22. Are you drooling right now?

Why would I be doing that?

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

Hm. Good question. Serendipity, maybe. Or possibly Taq. In reality, it would be a snap decision at the time.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Is this a magazine interview or a medical examination? Either way, not too long ago is probably a reasonable answer.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

Yes, as implied by previous answers, no, and no, respectively.

26. Did you like it?

Oh, definitely.

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

Talking to whichever part of my brain inspiration and intuition comes from did not seem useful.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

People have been laughing about my trouble with physical work like cooking for centuries, if that counts.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

The interview was somewhat redundant. You could stand to work on htat.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

I hope this was helpful for your work. I do not think I have time to answer more questions at the moment, though.

Taq:
1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

Hey, I'm Taq. I'm an orc from Lord of the Rings. You?

Interviewer: I'm the interviewer, from somewhere.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

I kill Sues with Peregrin.

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

25, if I got my birthday right when I joined.

4. Height and weight?

Five foot three and about 150 pounds,

5. Sexual orientation?

Something's up with the language changing thingy. Were you tryin' to ask me out?

Interviewer: No, not at all. Let's try to move on

6. IQ?

Dunno.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

Kinda personal question, that.

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

I've got a really nice sword now.
[pulls out sword]
And a knife on my belt.

Everything else's back in the RC.

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

Nope.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

Nah.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

There were some guys in the big army that were kinda good-lookin'. Didn't really think about [bang]ing them though. Definitely didn't want to date them. Not my type.

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

[a rather choice bit of the Black Speech that doesn't quite translate]

13. When was the last time you threw up?

First mission. The time jumping got to me. It sucked.

14. Have any mental illnesses?

I ain't crazy.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

Thing that scares me the most ... wizards and people like that.

16. Do you crossdress often?

Not really, no.

17. Have any addictions?

Nah.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

I've been in a bunch of pretty close fights, hard to pick just one. They're all good stories.

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

Nope. Had to take someone down there once though.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

No, unless I've missed them.

21. Do you snore?

Nope

22. Are you drooling right now?

Why'd I be drooling?

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

Peregrin. He knows what he's doing and he's my boss.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Eh, what? I think you read that one wrong.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

Yeah, no, and no.

26. Did you like it?

It was nice, but we didn't really work out.

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

Like I said, I ain't crazy. Not sure why you insisted on that.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

I didn't have school back home, and over here they were pretty nice and helpful.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

Nah, I'm good.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

Thumbtacks, no. But if you want to hear some good stories, we can head out to Rudi's later.

Farah and Kkukttak:
1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

Farah: Hi there! I'm Farah Tahar, a hani, from the Chanur verse.
Kkukttak: I'm Kkukttak, a kif, also from the same verse.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

Farah: We're in crossovers.
Kkukttak: [nods]

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

Farah: Almost twenty
Kkukttak: Twenty-seven

4. Height and weight?

Kkukttak: Five ten and about around 150 pounds
Farah: Five six and around 160. Huh.

(( Answers tentative and subject to change ))

5. Sexual orientation?

Farah: Pretty straight? Though some of the fanfic I wrote wasn't. I was more of a books person than a dating person, though.
Kkukttak: Why should I answer that, exactly?
Interviewer: I'm just curious.
Kkukttak: Then I'm not saying anything.

6. IQ?

Farah: Not too shabby, I guess? Like, people were wiling to let me run the commn on a merchant ship, so.
Kkukttak: Again, I won't be answering that.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

Farah: Uh, that doesn't, like, really apply to hani?
Kkukttak: Still not answering that.

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

Kkukttak: [showing a few more teeth] I have enough to deal with reporters if they ask too many nosy questions.
Farah: [checks the holster on her belt] Just this pistol. Hope you don't mind.

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

Farah: Nope
Kkukttak: Piracy, but I don't think the changes will stick if anyone does come after me. They usually don't.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

Farah: Uh, well, yeah. And it'll probably stay that way. [sighs]
Kkukttak: [puts hand on pistol] Am I being unclear about not wanting to answer these questions?
Farah: Hey, you shouldn't be threatening to shoot the interviewer. The Flowers wouldn't like it.
Interviewer: [looks around nervously]
Kkukttak: [removes hand from gun] Right. Sorry.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

Farah: [quietly] Do my old badfics count?
Kkukttak: [takes a few deep breaths to try to calm down]

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

Farah: Gods rot. Really useful, even though I don't, like, use them much.
Kkukttak: [swearword; translator database incomplete]

13. When was the last time you threw up?

Farah: Not sure if it was a couple of missions ago or that or when I went to Rudi's a bit after that.
Kkukttak: Kif don't really do that.

14. Have any mental illnesses?

Farah: Uh, that's kinda personal.
Kkukttak: By our standards, I'm fine. By human standards, I'm paranoid, self-insterested, and antisocial or something like that.
Farah: [muttering] Yeah, sounds about right.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

Farah: I really don't want to go into that.
Kkukttak: Being actively on the wrong side of a coup attempt.
Farah: Ouch

16. Do you crossdress often?

Farah: Disguises count, yeah? If not, then no, I don't do that.
Kkukttak: No

17. Have any addictions?

Kkukttak: No, I don't.
Farah: No, definitely not. Sure I drink but I don't, like, have a problem or anything.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

Farah: Next question please. I really don't want to go into this.
Kkukttak: When my ship got blown up while—
Farah: Next question, please.

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

Farah: I haven't, like, snapped yet, or anything.
Kkukttak: The DIA took me away after I got here, and then they sent me to FicPsych, so yes.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

Farah: I'm still coming in every week, so no?
Kkukttak: They keep wanting me to show up more often. No one's come after me yet, but it's only a matter of time.

21. Do you snore?

Farah: Nah
Kkukttak: I don't either, and I can confirm she doesn't.

22. Are you drooling right now?

Farah: Uh, no!
Kkukttak: ...

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

Farah: [stares at Kkukttak] I'm not sure, but it's probably not him.
Farah: Sorry, but, you know, that thing...
Kkukttak: I'd save whoever's most useful. So probably not the even more irrational than usual hani I'm partnered with.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Farah: That is such a weird question. Are you with biohazard control or sometihng? Like, why would you ask that?
Kkukttak: She's got a point.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

Farah: I don't think family counts, no, and ew, no!
Kkukttak: [swearing, complete with the implications that the interviewer's parents were rat-equivalents of below-average intelligence]

26. Did you like it?

Farah: I didn't do the romantic kisses thing, so I'm not sure I liked it.
Kkukttak: We're still not going into this.

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

Kkukttak: I'm not answering that. Don't want to give the FicPsych people more to use against me.
Farah: [a while later] ... I try not to listen to their voices much. I don't want to remember.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

Farah: A- a- bit, but not much. People just thought I was a weird space nerd.
Kkukttak: That doesn't apply.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

Kkukttak: Next time, send more competent interviewers. You clearly don't know how to drop a subject.
Farah: Yeah, kinda what he said. This was getting close to some really personal stuff.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

Kkukttak: [strides out the door] Goodbye.
Farah: I'll, just, y'know, leave, thanks.
Oh, what the heck. I'll give this a try. by SunAndMoon on 2019-02-27 01:11:00 UTC Reply
1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
  
  It's good to be here. Jack Barkley, human, World One.
  
  2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
  
  Department of Mary Sues...for now, anyway. My partner is Harvey Calhoun.
  
  3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
  
  Sixteen, unless my author decides I'm older.
  
  4. Height and weight?
  
  *scowls* Do we really have to talk about this? Okay, fine. My author is terrible with this kind of thing, so I'll just say that I'm short for my age and skinny. And I am definitely not insecure about my height.
  
  5. Sexual orientation?
  
  Bisexual and proud of it.
  
  6. IQ?
  
  Don't know. Probably higher than average.
  
  7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
  
  Would you like to find out?
  
  8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
  
  A switchblade, but I won't tell you where. *grins*
  
  9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
  
  Not that I know of.
  
  10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
  
  *laughs* No way.
  
  11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
  
  All the time.
  
  12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
  
  I've never met a curse word I didn't like.
  
  13. When was the last time you threw up?
  
  The last time I had the stomach flu, whenever that was. I don't get nauseated easily.
  
  14. Have any mental illnesses?
  
  I'm not answering this question. Next!
  
  15. What is your biggest phobia?
  
  That's none of your business.
  
  16. Do you crossdress often?
  
  It's on my list of things to try. Sounds like fun.
  
  17. Have any addictions?
  
  Chocolate and pain.
  
  18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
  
  I almost died. Once. I don't want to talk about it.
  
  19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
  
  No.
  
  20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
  
  I don't think so, but you never know, do you?
  
  21. Do you snore?
  
  Harvey's never complained about it, so I guess not.
  
  22. Are you drooling right now?
  
  You'd drool, too, if you were thinking about chocolate ice cream.
  
  23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
  
  I'd probably be the one blowing up HQ, but just in case I wasn't and I couldn't find a way to stop it from exploding, I'd save Harvey.
  
  24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
  
  Right before this interview started.
  
  25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
  
  Yes, yes, and not yet.
  
  26. Did you like it?
  
  You bet I did!
  
  27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
  
  Sometimes, when I get really lonely.
  
  28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
  
  Some people did, but I never paid them too much attention. I knew they were just jealous of me.
  
  29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
  
  You have beautiful eyes.
  
  30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
  
  Excellent! Now, if you don't mind, I have a carton of chocolate ice cream waiting for me back in the RC. Bye!
The Reader, Jacques Bonnefoy, &Dawn McKenna walk into Rudi's by Zingenmir on 2019-02-26 04:21:00 UTC Reply

...and straight into an interview!

Dawn (D)
Jacques (J)
The Reader (R)

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

J: Bit specific, isn’t it?

D: Well, yeah, but you do get much the same from a CAD reading. Hi! I’m Agent Dawn McKenna—

J: /snickers/ Sorry. There was a moment where I heard that as ‘Agent’ being a part of your name.

D: Fine, okay, I’m Dawn McKenna. Human, from World One. Canada, to be exact!

J: And I’m Jacques Bonnefoy, immortal fifty-first century human from...hm. I never know whether to say ‘Doctor Who’ or ‘Torchwood’.

R: I believe ‘Torchwood’ makes more sense. Er, I’m the Reader, a Time Lady from Doctor Who. I was really only intending to get a drink—

J: /smiling/ I think you’re stuck being interviewed with us now. You can always get that drink after.

R: /sighs/

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

R: /sighs again/ I’m in the DIC, together with my partner Kozar.

D: DMS! No partner, though if you could somehow make that change, please do.

J: I’m in ESAS. Also no partner, but open to suggestions. /winks/

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

D: Yeah, alright. Sorry. I’m...wow, twenty-six now. Still not used to that.

R: I am...I believe it’s now one hundred-fifty-five?

J: Oh, so you’re *young*! /grins/ Me, I’m a hundred-seventy...something. I’ve lost track a little.

4. Height and weight?

J: I feel like I’m giving you details for a dating profile, or something. Six feet tall, and I can’t say I’ve bothered stepping on a scale in a while—it doesn’t really change, unless I haven’t died in a while. Might be about 75 kg?

D: I am *not* doing this in kilograms. I don’t even *know* my weight in kilograms. I’m a few inches over five feet, and about...120 lbs? I don’t think much has changed since the last time Medical did a physical.

R: /sighs/ I am taller than Dawn and weigh a little more as well. May we move on? Please?

5. Sexual orientation?

D: Oh Lord.

J: /grins/ So this *is* for a dating profile? I’m interested in just about everyone.

R: /sighs/ It varies by regeneration. My current self has a strong preference for Naya.

6. IQ?

R: High. I *am* a Time Lady.

J: Ooh, speciesism. Kidding! I’m kidding. And no idea, never saw the results. High enough, I should think.

D: When did you get IQ testing?

J: Back at the Time Agency, actually.

D: Wow.

J: How about you? Ever had your brain evaluated?

D: Not that I remember.

R: In that case, let’s move on.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

D: /starts going pink/

R: …*why* is this necessary?

J: /laughing/ It’s the return of the dating profile questions! /winks/ I’m going to go with ‘neither’.

D: /groans/ You *would*. And I’m not answering this. The Multiverse Monitor doesn’t need to know my *bra size*.

R: /eye roll/ 34B, I believe.

D: But now I look bad for being the only one refusing to answer!

J: /raises eyebrows/

D: ...bloody hell. A little, um, larger than what the Reader said, can we *please* move on?

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

R: ...I have a sonic penlight? It’s purple.

D: I think I’ve still got the Muggle-Use wand from my last mission—yup, here it is. Nothing else right now, if you don’t count the neuralyzer. That’s also from the last mission.

J: I’m carrying three, not counting a neuralyzer and remote activator.

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

D: /looks at the Reader; both shake their heads/

J: /smiles/ Cool thing about not being Jack Harkness is that any crimes he may have—

D: You are not.

J: ...no, I’m not. Even in my memories of being him. Banned from some places, yes; wanted for actual crimes, not that I’m aware of.

D: Good. Moving on, then...

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

D: I regret everything. No, I’m not.

R: Neither am I, though I hardly think it’s anyone’s business—

J: Me, I’m quite happy to have this be everyone’s business. I haven’t been a virgin in well over a century. /winks/

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

J: /cheerfully/ Whenever I’m not having them!

R: ...I am a Time Lady. Time Lords as a species typically have very low libidos, and therefore have no need of fantasies.

J: What, never?

D: /grinning/ Well, hardly ever!

R: I know that reference!

D: Ooh, you like Gilbert and Sullivan? They’re the *best*, and there’s so little badfic—

12. /loudly/ Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

J: How to *choose*!

D: /poker-face/ I don’t swear. Ever.

R: I prefer to make up my own, primarily using terms which insult Rassilon.

D: Aw, no help with the Pinafore reference this time?

13. When was the last time you threw up?

R: Er. I might have accidentally eaten a biscuit made for Naya’s metabolism rather than my own a few months ago…

J: You know, I think I’ve forgotten.

D: There was a mission. Time shifts everywhere. I really, really don’t want to talk about it, because then I’ll have to think about it, and it was *so unpleasant*.

14. Have any mental illnesses?

/all three exchange glances/

J: Let’s...leave that between ourselves and our potential therapists, shall we?

R: Yes. Next question!

15. What is your biggest phobia?

D: /groans/ Really? Seriously, why is this relevant?

R: Time Lords have no phobias.

J: That is a blatant lie, and I love it. Next question!

D: /whispers/ He has a phobia of revealing his phobias.

16. Do you crossdress often?

J: /grinning/ Define ‘often’.

R: No. Er, to the question. Also, you crossdressed to play Calpurnia.

J: That I did! I really should do it more often. And wear togas. Togas are fun.

D: I’m going to assume wearing pants doesn’t count, but I do use male Elf or Uruk or whatever disguise on missions sometimes—though I’m not so sure *that* counts, either? What do you think?

J: /shrugs/ It could count. Anyway—next question?

17. Have any addictions?

/a collective no/

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

J: /leans back in his chair and starts to laugh/

R: I’m on my fourth regeneration, and have had a number of narrow escapes as well.

D: I, uh, no, I’m...I’ve never died. I think my closest call was nearly being too slow to portal away from an explosion one time?

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

/another collective shaking of heads/

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

J: No—too professional, mostly. Or maybe they’ve just decided to let Jenni represent them…

D: /to the Reader/ They’re not after me that I know of—are they after you? No? Great, let’s keep moving. I’m getting hungry.

21. Do you snore?

J: Nope!

D: I bet you do. I bet when you’re really deeply sleeping, that’s when you start snoring.

J: ...how much are you willing to bet?

D: Two bars of Swiss bleepolate and a pizza?

J: Make it two pizzas, and we have a deal.

D: Done. Ooh, we could make it a proper sleepover!

J: /laughing/ Sure, why not? We can braid your hair and eat marshmallows.

R: ...I don’t believe I snore. If anyone’s interested.

22. Are you drooling right now?

D: /wrinkles nose/ I know he just mentioned marshmallows, but I don’t like them *that* much.

J: Same.

R: ...I’ve never had a marshmallow.

D: Really? That’s a shame. They’re pretty great toasted!

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

R: /a little pale/ Naya. In my TARDIS. Terabyte lives in her suit, and...Emiranlanoamar has proven himself capable of surviving everything else thus far. I have faith he could survive another explosion, were one to occur—and if not, *I have a TARDIS*. We could go back. We *would* go back.

D: /has also paled; pats the Reader’s arm/ Good answer. Let’s—Jacques, you’ve got the vortex manipulator; you could make several jumps, couldn’t you?

J: In theory, yeah. I’d go evacuate as much of the Nursery as I could first, then...well. You know who my friends are.

D: Yeah. /quiet pause/ If you’ve got the Nursery, then I’d save T’Zar. She’s—family, by now.

J: /nods/ You get T’Zar; I’ll get as many kids and agents as I can.

D: Hypothetically.

J: Of course. Hypothetically.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

/the serious mood is broken by snickers/

R: /deadpan/ Time Lords do not need toilets.

/more laughter/

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

J: Yes, yes, and yes!

R: Yes, no, and yes. But then, most people here aren’t Gallifreyan, much less Time Lords...

D: ...no, yes, and no. Next question!

26. Did you like it?

J: /grins/

R: /shrugs/ Well, I *have* continued to do it…

D: What she said, but past tense!

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

/all three exchange looks/

D: Why don’t we just...keep going?

J: Yeah, I think hypothetical voices can also be kept between ourselves and our potential therapists.

R: /nods/

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

D: /shrugs/ Not really? I mean, a little, but not all the time. It was mainly because I was new and a little bit different in how I dressed and stuff. I don’t think it lasted too long—not years, anyway.

R: I… /sighs/ I wasn’t the most popular, perhaps, but I took very little notice of the sort of people who disliked me, so…

J: Very, very rarely. I was pretty good at shutting down things like that, and I was popular enough to begin with, so… /shrugs/ I certainly don’t remember it getting me down, so it couldn’t have been all that frequent.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

R: Please just finish up. I would like to have my drink today, please.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

R: /gets up/ I’ll be getting that drink, now. See you around.

D: /waves to her/ See you! Well, that was...oh, look, it’s our food! Finally!

J: /leans toward the interviewer/ I’m not interested in the survey or the thumbtacks, but I’d be perfectly happy to spend some more time with you later… /winks/

---
More to come! But only in ones or twos, I think. I can't see doing another group of three, especially conceived of as a live interview. Believe it or not, I actually cut this one down a bit.

~Z
My agents-to-be answer by twistedwindowpane on 2019-02-25 15:15:00 UTC Reply

(Amber Callahan, Miriam Almstedt, Connor Callahan, Erika Callahan, Morgana Beck, Gretchen Hollehammer, and Taylor Salcedo. Note: To save time, only those who have something interesting to say in response are written down.)

1. C: Thank you for having us.
E: I didn't expect you to do this for random trainees like us. Anyway. [The whole crew is introduced.]
T: I think we're all from World One around here, right?
A: Not quite. Miriam and I and my siblings are from an alternate of World One where supernatural powers exist.
Mo: You too, huh? That's cray-cray.
G: *cringes*
T: Okay then. So, species. We're also all human, right?
A: Basically.
E: Sort of... *she sighs* I don't even know anymore.
Mi: I'm also a fox from time to time. :D
T: Okay then. Cool. Right, next question.

2. C: DAS ist best department, ja.
A: Do-GA! Do-GA! Do-GA!
Mi: *hides her face, laughing* *points at Amber* And that's why she's my partner, even though we knew each other before.
E: Department of Angst. My partner's your sister.
T: *laughs* I'm sorry for anything she's done already or will do. But I'm in Floaters. My partner's not here. Probably off practicing crystal healing or some crap like that. *shakes head*
Mo: *grabs G's hand and raises it* Also Floaters with this one.
T: Alright, that's everyone.

3. E: I'm 21, but you won't see me at the bar any time soon. At least, you won't see me socializing at the bar.

5. E: *looks off in the distance again*

7. G: *face is red* WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS?!

8. C: Probably fewer than I should have, given the implications of working here.

9. Mo: *smiles* You'll never know.
A: I actually was in juvenile detention once for accidentally destroying someone's property with my earth powers. This was back when I was still figuring them out. I was super embarrassed. Hey Miri, have you ever done that with your gravity powers?
Mi: No, actually.

10. Mo: No.
T: Hey, me neither.
E: *mildly glares at them*

11. T: Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to have a boyfriend. *shrugs* I dunno.
Mo: I am bisexual, so.
E: *looks uncomfortable*

12. A: "Bloody hell." I'm the most Irish out of my siblings. :P

13. G: When I got here. I was so mentally overwhelmed that I just got sick to my stomach.
Mi: Aww, that sucks. *pat pat*

14. [They probably would have something good to say in response, but I'm still trying to figure that out.]

15. Mi: Blood. Oh God. I HATE blood.
Mo: I'm wearing blood right now.
Mi: *rapidly stands up out of her chair*
Mo: Sue blood. I use it as body glitter. See? *points at face*
C: That's kinda twisted.

16. T: I do! :D
G: Oh. Oh dear.
T: Mainly for disguise purposes, but just as often for fun. I once was in a drag show.
Mo: Freaks your partner out, I hear?
T: Yes. :)

18. A, C, and Mi: *all look at Erika*
E: Ah, yes. I am partly a ghost. I didn't die per se, but I was turned into a ghost.
C: I'm proud we managed to get her back to being at least mostly human.
Mi: But she still sometimes phases through walls when she freaks out.
E: *glares at Miriam, as if it's a bad thing that someone knows she ever freaks out at all*

19. G: The time I threw up.
M: The time the other agents made Amber kill a Sue and I was about to faint at the sight of its blood.

20. E: You want honesty? Probably. Even though I'm completely fine. *glares at Multiverse Monitor person*

21. E: Carol does.
T: You say that as if I'm not already aware.

22. Mi: If you put a hot guy in front of me, well...

23. A and Mi: *grab each other*
C: Ouch :P
A: I figured that you and Erika would also survive already. You're pretty capable.
E: Thanks for the confidence...

24. A: What kind of ten-year-old boy wrote this question?
*All laugh*

25. E: *looks off in the distance yet again*
Mi: I almost got humped by another fox and had to change back into human form again. The fox was so surprised, ahaha!
T: You seem pretty un-traumatized for having almost been sexually assaulted.
Mi: One, I got out of it, and two, I figured that well, it's an animal, it has no concept of consent.
T: Fair enough.

26. Mo: Hell yeah I liked kissing a girl.
E: *laughs nervously*

27. T: Yes.

To be continued...
-Twistey

Part 2 by twistedwindowpane on 2019-02-25 16:44:00 UTC Reply
1. T: Yes. I have names for them and stuff.
  E: *closes eyes and laughs quietly*
  
  28. Mi: Middle school.
  G: Middle school.
  Mi: One day I woke up halfway between fox form and human form, so I had the ears and the tail. People called me a furry for a year.
  G: I had some bad friends who made fun of me because I care about following the rules.
  E: I saw other people being bullied and it kind of affected me negatively.
  A: I wasn't bullied, but I lost my dad right around high school. Miriam wasn't that close of a friend at the time, but she was one who was willing to support me, and look at where we are now.
  Mi: *hugs Amber*
  
  29. [Also still thinking of this one.]
  
  30. E: Thank God.
  A: *shrugs* It wasn't all that hard for me, as I'm comfortable being open with people.
  G: I feel like we should've been more careful.
  Mo: I honestly don't care if I'm the subject of gossip. More attention for me.
  E: Well, if anyone starts spreading gossip about my little sister and brother, I know who to hunt down and make them beg for mercy.
  A: *laughs and shakes head*
  
  -Twistey

A most reluctant response. by Estelnar Celebduin on 2019-02-25 15:07:00 UTC Reply

I wish to begin by making it plain that I do not particularly want to be here. The only REAL Multiverse Monitor is the original - rather, the second original - of which yours is but a pale copy. And yet - and yet - it is clear that some form of reconciliation is indicated, if the true spirit of the Monitor is to triumph over that abominable 'magazine' incarnation.

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

Did you heed a single word I spoke? Elbereth... so be it. I am Estelnar Celebduin, elf of the Sindar, from Imladris in the west of Middle-earth.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

Formally speaking, I serve in the Department of Mary Sues. In practice, however, my partner and I work mostly for the REAL Multiverse Monitor. She is Starwind Rohana, and you should thank the Valar that she is not here in my place.

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

I was born in the riven dell in the calm after Eregion's fall, and came to the PPC on the eve of the Changing of the World. I have some fifteen hundred years of the sun.

4. Height and weight?

I stand taller than most mortal women, but shorter than the Noldor who make up the most prominent Eldarin contingent in the PPC. Starwind oft tells me I am 'shockingly light'.

5. Sexual orientation?

I-- what have you heard? Not that there is aught to hear, mark you. The works of Tolkien were very clear that all Elves are as 'straight' as a taut line. There is nothing more to it; I will not have you starting rumours about me. That is our role.

6. IQ?

I have wisdom enough to hack your computers if I feel the need.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

Bras...! Bras are the greatest blessing ever wrought by the mortal world. I have mine custom-tailored by a former Department of Culture agent; she is most excellent.

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

The only weapon I carry is my pen.

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

The operation of a free and independent press is no crime, and any who tell you otherwise should be shunned.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

I find that question-- ahem. As Tolkien makes clear, an elf who has sexual relations would consider herself married, and yet I am known to have no husband.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

What have you heard?!

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

Right now? 'Journalist'.

13. When was the last time you threw up?

Some weeks ago Starwind took- I mean to say, Starwind and I went to the new bar that opened in New Caledonia. I had rather more to drink than was good for me. Rather a lot more.

14. Have any mental illnesses?

That is not- I do not consider myself to be mentally ill, no.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

...

I respectfully refuse to respond to this question.

16. Do you crossdress often?

And this question I'm afraid I do not understand. What manner of dress are you referring to?

17. Have any addictions?

I am not-- There is nothing I do which I could not stop at need. Therefore, I clearly have no addictions.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

There was an... incident some years ago. A certain agent took offence at her friend's portrayal in the Monitor. I had to talk very rapidly to prevent Starwind from making the situation worse.

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

No, they have not. My partner, but not me, and that only once.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

I doubt it very much; they have a healthy fear of the manner of questions Starwind would ask of them if they came near us again.

21. Do you snore?

I do not know, as I have never slept beside anyone who could tell me.

22. Are you drooling right now?

No...? Why would I be drooling?

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

Starwind.

Because she is my partner, by which I mean my colleague, and for no other reason.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Oh dear; are you one of those who believes elves have no need of toilets? I am afraid that is far from true.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species?

I... that is...

Ah. I have proffered numerous friendly kisses to friends who I was friends with, both here and back home. They cover both sexes, and include at least o- some mortals. So yes, to all three.

26. Did you like it?

It is a fine thing to have a friend, yes.

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

The 'little voices' are far more Starwind's field than mine. Betimes I find myself talking to hers, however.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

I was taught by my parents, and by other residents of Imladris; there was no 'school' as such.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

Only that this interview has confirmed my suspicions: that yours is a paper so consumed by sensationalism that it will print any rumours and falsehoods that come its way, without regard for how they might affect the subjects thereof.

As Starwind would say, "That's our job!"

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey on thumbtacks?

I could not be more delighted. You will receive your own questions to answer shortly.

[Whistles innocently]

hS

Heehee. by Neshomeh on 2019-02-25 23:08:00 UTC Reply

My theory (in case you didn't read Jenni's follow-up response) is that there is just one Monitor, and the "schism" is just a stunt designed to pull in more readers. As we all know, getting people to fight about what team they're on is great for publicity, and if all the subscriptions are secretly going the same place anyway, brilliant! ^^

Possibly it was also a way to test out a new format and gauge reader response without risking the loss of the loyal base if it flopped. (Which it obviously did; forget quality journalism, we want our scandalous rumors and our Page Three, darnit!)

Or possibly someone really did try to co-opt the presumed-abandoned brand, and there was some sort of attempted legal battle, but since Legal doesn't actually care, here we are.

Also: Estelnar. Darling. You should know better than anyone that the more strenuously you deny or try to avoid a fact, the more people will believe it anyway. ^^ Also also, have you met Agent Huinesoron? You might find you have lots to talk about. (I'd suggest Agent Eledhwen, too, but I know you already know of her.)

~Neshomeh

Chelsea's answers by Ozzielot on 2019-02-24 02:26:00 UTC Reply
1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
  
  I’m Chelsea, and I’m an Inkling from the Splatoon series!
  
  2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
  
  I’m in the Department of Mary Sues and Lemon’s my partner.
  
  3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
  
  Fifteen years old.
  
  4. Height and weight?
  
  I haven’t really been checking my height but I’m definitely taller than Lemon by about— oh. [Chelsea stands up.] Let’s say Lemon would come up to about here. [She points below her neck, then sits back down.] As for weight? I don’t know and I don’t really care all that much.
  
  5. Sexual orientation?
  
  Probably straight.
  
  6. IQ?
  
  Eh… Never really cared for IQ tests.
  
  7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
  
  Um… an A cup, I think.
  
  8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
  
  Well, I got my newest edition of the Splattershot, my Burst Bombs, and my Splashdown special. And I also got my Splatterscope with all its other stuff too.
  
  9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
  
  Um, nope!
  
  10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
  
  Yes…?
  
  11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
  
  Maybe?
  
  12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
  
  Oh I dunno, I can’t decide. Though, I like saying “onffubyr” sometimes.
  
  13. When was the last time you threw up?
  
  I think it was when I rode on a roller coaster and threw up the chocolate sundae I ate when I got off.
  
  14. Have any mental illnesses?
  
  No?
  
  15. What is your biggest phobia?
  
  My biggest phobia? Um, I guess it’d be having to stay in a room forever? Though maybe it’s not really a phobia, it’s all I could think of.
  
  16. Do you crossdress often?
  
  Nah, it’s not really my thing.
  
  17. Have any addictions?
  
  Well, I really love chips, especially salt and vinegar chips.
  
  18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
  
  I’ve done Turf Wars, Ranked Battles, and Salmon Run shifts, so I’ve died at least once. That’s why I’m glad there’s respawn tech at home! At my home continuum, I mean.
  
  19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
  
  Nope. Hope they never do. I don’t think I could handle having to stay in something like a hospital for a long time.
  
  20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
  
  I don’t think so and I’m glad they aren’t.
  
  21. Do you snore?
  
  My friend back at home said I snored. I guess I still do?
  
  22. Are you drooling right now?
  
  Huh? What? [Chelsea wipes the corners of her mouth with her thumb.] Doesn’t look like it!
  
  23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
  
  I’d save Lemon. I don’t really know anyone else that well, honestly.
  
  24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
  
  Before I left my RC for this interview!
  
  25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
  
  Uhhhh… nope!
  
  26. Did you like it?
  
  That I didn’t kiss anyone? Eh… kind of.
  
  27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
  
  Voices? What?
  
  28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
  
  Honestly? I haven’t really been made fun of at school. If you were asking about anywhere else, sometimes I had a teammate at Turf Wars make fun of me for really dumb mistakes, like the time I tried to jump over a gap and fell in the water instead.
  
  29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
  
  It’s been fun! Interesting questions too.
  
  30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
  
  No thanks. See ya!
  
  [Chelsea powerwalks out the room.]
  
  ________
  
  ((I'll do Lemon's interview answers later.))

Lemon's answers by Ozzielot on 2019-02-25 01:59:00 UTC Reply

((which came one day later))

____

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

Lemon Tart. I’m a rat from the Sonic the Hedgehog continuum.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

Department of Mary Sues. My partner is Chelsea Pulchella.

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

Sixteen.

4. Height and weight?

3’3” ft. As for how much I weigh, I generally do not make a habit of checking the scale.

5. Sexual orientation?

I don’t know.

6. IQ?

Not as high as certain geniuses in my world.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

None of your business.

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

None, unless you consider claws and teeth to be weapons.

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

I hope not.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

Yes. Why are you asking this question?

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

No. Nor do I fantasize about any other relations. What is your deal?

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

My favorite curse word?

…

I prefer not to say.

13. When was the last time you threw up?

I refuse to answer that.

14. Have any mental illnesses?

None.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

My biggest phobia?

…

Well, I’m afraid that I will watch the world end knowing I could have prevented it in some way.

16. Do you crossdress often?

No. I’m considering it, though.

17. Have any addictions?
I refuse to answer that.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

The closest I had been to dying… That would be when I was in the city when a flood happened. My family and I survived, thankfully. Apparently, the flood was caused by a watery monster which I found out later was called “Chaos”.

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

Never.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

Not to my knowledge, no.

21. Do you snore?

No one ever seemed to comment on it, so I would guess “no.”

22. Are you drooling right now?

[With a puzzled expression on her face, Lemon looks at the interviewer.]
What do you think.

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

I don’t know. If I didn’t know there was a Nursery, I’d choose Chelsea. Now I’m not so sure.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Recently.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

No.

26. Did you like it?

Yes.

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

I don’t have voices in my head. I’m rather concerned you are asking this question.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

I was made fun of in school for once trying to save a student from what turned out to be a pie to the face.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

So, it’s almost over? The interview? Good, because I was starting to regret it.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

Goodbye. [Lemon walks out of the room.]

These were fun! (nm) by Neshomeh on 2019-02-25 23:13:00 UTC Reply

Thanks! (nm) by Ozzielot on 2019-02-26 02:13:00 UTC Reply

What's this, a thing where I only have to write dialogue? by Badger421 on 2019-02-23 22:46:00 UTC Reply

Count me the frick in! I'll be posting my planned agents' responses later today once I've double checked the SPaG. Been a while since I've actually written anything, need to shake off the rust.

Okay, so it's three days late, but here's Curff. by Badger421 on 2019-02-27 01:00:00 UTC Reply

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

Turff-Croft, Lupin, I am told I am from a homebrew D&D setting.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

The talking flower seemed to think my talents were best suited to the Department of Mary Sues. My partner is a human by the name of Larkus Grun. An agreeable enough man, I must admit, in spite of his regrettably hidebound former occupation.

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

Roughly fifty-two. Spending time in the Feywild and like realms tends to complicate such things.

4. Height and weight?

Am I being interviewed or tailored? Hmph, if you must know, Six foot seven, one hundred seventy pounds.

5. Sexual orientation?

I have had little interest in intimate relationships of any sort since my last lover attempted to poison me. Before then, however, I preferred the courtship of women.

6. IQ?

I have no idea. Perhaps after I am finished wasting my time on this interview someone can instruct me on how to waste it finding the answer to this question.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

I have little interest in discussing my undergarments.

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

Four. The dagger on my belt, the staff in my hand, my fangs, and the ability to reshape reality to my will. You would do well to remember that last one.

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

Undoubtedly. I have had a long and storied career.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?

I am not. Kindly leave it at that before I become irritated.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

Do the words 'irritated' and 'reshape reality' mean nothing to you?

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

Are you referring to profanities or dark magic? In the former case I am quite fond of a dwarven pejorative roughly translating to 'one who will be crushed by their own poor works'. It bears a pleasing auditory resemblance to cracking stone.
As for the latter possibility... well, best not speak it here. Such things have power even in the merest utterance.

13. When was the last time you threw up?

Last winter. I spilled a decanter of truly noxious liquid. This nose is not simply for show, you know. The smell was unbearable.

4. Have any mental illnesses?

My former comrades would say paranoia and obsession. I prefer to think of it as self-preservation and dedication.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

Phobias are by definition irrational, my fears are well founded.

16. Do you crossdress often?

I have never done so. Never, do you hear me? ...Tch, fine, once. It was necessary. No one else was tall enough to--Oh, by Renard, it doesn't matter! We are moving on now.

17. Have any addictions?

None. I am master of my mind and my body.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

I have little interest in reliving such an experience, so I shall simply say that my fur only acquired its present ashen gray coloration after my party's expedition to a place known as Dragon Mountain.

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

They have little reason to, but I should like to see them try should that change.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

Have I not answered this question?

21. Do you snore?

Certainly not.

22. Are you drooling right now?

I am seated directly in front of you, make your own observations.

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

I know no one here well save Larkus, so I imagine I would choose him.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Do you enjoy annoying people?

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species?

I have.

26. Did you like it?

If such acts were not enjoyable none would participate in them.

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

I do not talk, I listen.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

I did not attend a true school until I joined the Ashen Hill after I came of age. I encountered certain rivalries, but a place of magical learning is an unwise place to deride one's peers. Unkind words in a place where words can shape the world around you are a recipe for disaster.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

The Saints themselves weep at the precious moments of life wasted in this room.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

Have you ever been to the elemental plane of Ash? I am unsure if I have the power to banish you there in my present state, but I am willing to try if you do not leave.

OOC: Well, that was fun. Came off a bit more hostile than I expected, but it makes sense. Curff is a grumpy old dogman.
Also, thanks for the nostalgia bomb. I actually had to dig up Curff's character sheet to answer some of these. Lotta good memories in that old thing.

"I guess it's only fair..." by Sammy, Floaters on 2019-02-23 20:53:00 UTC Reply

"...that I do this, seeing as I got my partner to."

1.) Hi, I'm Sammy McLeod, human, *Gundam Build Fighters*.
2.) Floaters for now until I get more experience under my belt. Partner is Leonidas, a Space Marine Captain from Warhammer 40K.
3.) Well, time is a funny thing here, but I was around 14 when I ended up here. Been maybe a year or two since then?
4.) 5'7", around 125 pounds?
5.) I'm a bit young for that, don't you think? I...*think* I'm straight? I mean, I have no reason to think otherwise so far...
6.) No clue. I'm not the smartest, not the strongest either, but I do okay on pure luck most of the time.
7.) Boxers, always.
8.) None, as a matter of fact.
9.) Other than pirating old *Gundam* episodes, if that counts, that's a no.
10.) Again, don't you think I'm kinda young for that?
11.) Same answer, for *any* relations.
12.) Dunno. I don't play favorites.
13.) One time, when I came down with a stomach bug a couple years ago back home.
14.) Not that I'm aware of!
15.) Honestly? Not measuring up when things get tough. I'm surrounded by powerful personalities and individuals and I don't have much beyond a passion for building things.
16.) Nope. I love my bomber jacket too much.
18.) My home continuum was pretty peaceful. I lived a relatively normal life. I think that I'll probably come a lot closer to dying once I start doing field work here.
19.) Nah.
20.) Nah, again.
21.) Is this a trick question? How would I know if I'm asleep when it happens? Not like Leonidas has told me either way.
22.) No...?
23.) Leonidas would probably take care of himself. I'd just find someone who wouldn't make it out otherwise and grab 'em, I guess.
24.) This morning.
25.) [Suddenly quiet] ...no.
26.) I dunno. Kinda not really applicable if i haven't done it yet.
27.) Oh, yeah, all the time. Leo's not exactly one for idle conversation, so I kinda have to make my own, yeah?
28.) HOMESCHOOLED, SUCKERS! ...sorry, that was kinda loud.
29.) This was interesting! Let me know if you have any more questions...
30.) Okay, that's too many more questions.

(me again. Forgot my name a second time!) (nm) by Grundleplith on 2019-02-23 20:55:00 UTC Reply

Kat's answers by Snowblaze on 2019-02-23 14:48:00 UTC Reply
1. Katarina Eagle, ymbryne, Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children.
  2. Mary Sues, my brother.
  3. Twenty.
  4. I can never remember exactly. About average human size on both.
  5. No comment.
  6. I don't know, I don't really have time to take IQ tests.
  7. Um... C-something?
  8. None, I'm not an axe murderer.
  9. No.
  10. Oh, come on, was there ever an ymbryne who wasn't? *cough*phoenixmarysue*cough*
  11. No comment.
  12. I don't curse. Unless "by the birds" counts.
  13. See Edward's answer. Except I wasn't the one who missed the time-skip.
  14. No.
  15. I have a thing about snakes...
  16.I wear whatever I can find most of the time. Occasionally that's my brother's clothes.
  17. Strawberry Starbursts?
  18. The PPC very nearly killed me. I got lucky.
  19. No.
  20. No.
  21. No. Edward does, though. He also lies.
  22. ...no?
  23. I would create a time loop inside my RC and retreat in there with Edward.
  24. ???
  25. To be honest, no.
  26. See previous answer.
  27. What little voices?
  28. If Miss Avocet's ymbryne academy counts as a school, then yes. And the reason is so that a Sue could heroically save me from the bullies.
  29. No, no comment.
  30. I have better things to do with my life. Like categorise dryer lint.
Responses from Elena and Valka by leafeyes on 2019-02-23 06:03:00 UTC Reply
1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
  
  Elena: Name’s Elena, a human from the world of Pokémon.
  
  Valka: My name is Valka. I’m a Raven Laguz, and I came here from Tellius, from the Fire Emblem Series.
  
  2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
  
  Elena: Bad Slash, partnered with raven girl by the name of Valka.
  
  Valka: I work in the Department of Bad Slash, partnered with Elena.
  
  3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
  
  Elena: I think I’m still 20. Admittedly, time doesn’t make any more sense here than it did in the Glitch.
  
  Valka: I would prefer not to answer. I don’t want to give your readers the wrong impression of me.
  
  4. Height and weight?
  
  Elena: 177 cm and 65 kg.
  
  Valka: I think I’m 5’4” and 120 pounds? I’m not sure of the exact conversions.
  
  5. Sexual orientation?
  
  Elena: Straight, something my partner is a little unhappy about.
  
  Valka: I’m only interested in women.
  
  6. IQ?
  
  Elena: You’re a jerk for asking that.
  
  Valka: I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re asking.
  
  7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
  
  Elena: 80C. Now, are we done with the personal questions?
  
  Valka: I never learned that. Clothing was always made to fit the wearer in my home world.
  
  8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
  
  Elena: Do Pokémon count as weapons?
  
  Valka: We Laguz don’t use weapons. We take our animal forms to fight.
  
  9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
  
  Elena: This is relevant how?
  
  Valka: I most certainly am not!
  
  10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
  
  Elena: I got stuck in the Glitch at age 12. What do you think?
  
  Valka: I am not. Although I have learned that some would say I am, given who I was with.
  
  11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
  
  Elena: No, but I’m pretty sure I’ve been a certain someone else’s.
  
  Valka: I do. I would love to be with another woman.
  
  12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
  
  Elena: If you haven’t noticed, cursing isn’t my style.
  
  Valka: [Translator malfunction]
  
  13. When was the last time you threw up?
  
  Elena: Training.
  
  Valka: I was in a badfic in training.
  
  14. Have any mental illnesses?
  
  Elena: Strangely no.
  
  Valka: I do not.
  
  15. What is your biggest phobia?
  
  Elena: I don’t have one.
  
  Valka: I’m always worried around assassins. I’ve seen what they do to other shapeshifters.
  
  16. Do you crossdress often?
  
  Elena: Only if you count wearing pants as crossdressing.
  
  Valka: I would never.
  
  17. Have any addictions?
  
  Elena: How would I get addicted to anything in a glitched out wasteland?
  
  Valka: I would never try anything that could be addictive.
  
  18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
  
  Elena: I can’t exactly say I was safe in the Glitch.
  
  Valka: My first attempt at a ship raid left me with several serious injuries. I made it back though.
  
  19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
  
  Elena: Not the FicPsych nurses.
  
  Valka: No, and I hope they never do.
  
  20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
  
  Elena: Medical handled it.
  
  Valka: I hope they aren’t.
  
  21. Do you snore?
  
  Elena: No.
  
  Valka: I don’t believe so.
  
  22. Are you drooling right now?
  
  Elena: Seriously, just look.
  
  Valka: Can’t you tell?
  
  23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
  
  Elena: Right now, the only one I’m close to is Valka.
  
  Valka: I would most definitely save my partner.
  
  24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
  
  Elena: [Silent glare]
  
  Valka: Why are you asking?
  
  25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
  
  Elena: Remember how I was 12 when I entered a glitched out wasteland that didn’t have any unglitched people?
  
  Valka: I have kissed a woman.
  
  26. Did you like it?
  
  Elena: Are you actually listening to my responses?
  
  Valka: Yes. Our relationship didn’t work out though.
  
  27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
  
  Elena: I can understand glitch sounds, but they aren’t very enlightening.
  
  Valka: I don’t hear any voices. Should I?
  
  28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
  
  Elena: Trainer’s leave meant that never happened.
  
  Valka: My home continuum doesn’t have schools.
  
  29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
  
  Elena: You’re just reading a script, aren’t you?
  
  Valka: I think I should go.
  
  30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
  
  Elena: You’re reading a script.
  
  Valka: [Already left]
From RC#227 with love! by SkarmorySilver on 2019-02-23 02:20:00 UTC Reply

NOTE: All #a responses are from Falchion, and all #b ones are from Lilac.

1a. Falchion, Skarmory, Pokémon (the Black and White generation specifically).
1b. Lilac Mauveridge, human I guess, and I actually started existence as a duplicate of Violet Parr from The Incredibles; my current appearance is from a RWBY-verse AU.

2a. Floaters, current partner is Lilac Mauveridge.
2b. Floaters as well, and unfortunately, I'm with the stupid tin turkey, as his old partner used to call him.

3a. My author is currently like, 25 or so. I'm his self-insert so I'm about the same age.
3b. As of now, 19 going on 20 (I joined in Feburary of 2017).

4a. As a human, 5'7", 155 pounds. As a Skarmory, also 5'7", but 111 pounds.
4b. 5'5", 130 pounds. No, I'm not sensitive about my weight.

5a. Bisexual.
5b. Nobody's asked me that, but since canon!Violet's dating a guy in canon, I'll go with being straight.

6a. What's an IQ?
6b. They didn't test for IQ in Beacon, at least last I checked...

7a. Boxers. They're comfy and easy to wear!
7b. Ask me anything about the size of my intimate anatomy and you'll get a faceful of Gorgoneion for an answer.

8a. My Hunter's Power Bow I, from Monster Hunter Freedom Unite. It's what I use to pull off TM80, Rock Slide!
8b. Not on my at the moment, but my Multi-Purpose Kinetic Shield-Maul, Gorgoneion, has always been my go-to weapon for bashing in the faces of Grimm, and Suvians for that matter.

9a. Um, nope?
9b. Existing, I guess. Or I would've been if Sarah hadn't stepped in.

10a. Yes, alas. Haven't been able to find anyone in the Flying egg group since I joined.
10b. Also yes.

11a. Oh, I have, plenty of times! I mean, it does get a little lonely at times here in Headquarters...
11b. No. Again, I'm straight as an arrow.

12a. Outside of World One obscenities, probably anything invoking Arceus. I do also use "flock" in place of, well, a certain word that rhymes with "duck".
12b. For me it's taking the Maidens' name in vain, with doing the same with Remnant as a whole being a close second. Though again, I've started becoming quite fond of World One swearing...

13a. I've got a surprisingly strong stomach, so I honestly don't know. I guess the only time I'll ever regurgitate is when feeding my young, if I ever do raise a family!
13b. I'll... pretend I didn't hear the bit about feeding young. But for me it was probably during the loss of my legs, for multiple obvious reasons.

14a. I might have ADHD, and I may be on the autistic spectrum, but I haven't gotten officially diagnosed, so I can't be sure.
14b. PTSD, I think, from both the horrors I witnessed during the fall of Beacon and the aforementioned incident that left me double-amputated. Especially the latter.

15a. Fire. That, and public humiliation.
15b. Odd as it may be for my being basically a darkfic version of Violet, I get horrifying flashbacks at the sight of blood. Glitter doesn't trigger nearly as adverse a reaction, but it's still there. Why, though? Well, see my answers to the last two questions.

16a. Uh, no?
16b. Nobody's asked me to.

17a. Does diet soda count?
17b. I've gotten hopelessly drawn to Dr. Bleepper. In my defense, it helps me forget what happened to me prior to my ending up in HQ...

18a. I'm not entirely sure, since killing badfic has always been a dangerous profession and I can speak from experience. But if I had to pick any occasion, there was probably this one time with a Spinosaurus...
18b. Again, when I lost my legs to an unidentified predatory entity. If it hadn't tossed me through a plot hole by accident, I would've been eaten, or otherwise died from loss of glitter.

19a. Don't think so, at least last I checked.
19b. Same.

20a. Also, no.
20b. Also same.

21a. Um, wha?
21b. I'm not gonna answer that on pain of someone getting shield-bashed.

20a. No, why?
20b. Seriously?!

23a. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

24a. Probably after my last mission. Who hasn't?
24b. Gorgoneion hungers for people's foreheads...

25a. Never have, alas. Doesn't help that I have a beak rather than lips.
25b. Not that I know of, at least last I checked.

26a. See my answer to Question 25.
26b. Again, same.

27a. I do talk to myself quite a bit, especially when doing inner debates, so I guess that counts?
27b. Not when they keep screaming about war flashbacks all the time.

28a. I was raised in a nest, so I can't really answer that.
28b. At Beacon? I wouldn't say made fun of, exactly, but then again, nobody really noticed me. I'm kinda good at that.

29a. Well... If anyone happens upon Rashida anywhere in the multiverse, could you tell her I miss her? I understand if she doesn't want to come back again, though...
29b. Hmmph.

30a. I'm glad I've provided answers to all your questions, at least, so there's that!
30b. Can I leave now? That volume of My Hero Academia isn't gonna finish itself.

And now for RC #333! by SkarmorySilver on 2019-03-03 21:55:00 UTC Reply

For this one I'm doing something a little different, with all three of the agents involved in the same room. That way I can keep track of the questions a little easier! For reference, and in seating order from left to right, S: Sarah, L: Lapis, C: Cupid.

******

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
S: "Sarah Katherine Squall, Super (yes, we were implied to be a derived species of human in my homefic), The Incredibles... albeit as the main setting for an equal parts nightmarish and cringe-worthy thirty-plus-chapter monster of a badfic involving at least a dozen different continua. Please don't ask.
L: "Lapis Armenus Lazuli, human, Pokémon anime. Sort of. It was an incomplete fic involving a few other things..."
C: "Cupid Carmine, Impetus miserabilis-turned-drunken-angel-in-a-pink-toga, Kid Icarus."

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
S: "Pfff, are you kidding? We're all a team here!"
*The other two nod in agreement.*

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
S: "I was recruited at sixteen, so twenty-one as of now."
C: "Biologically, unable to progress past thirteen, sadly. Chronologically, though, would you believe I'm actually 48 years old? Needless to say, this has caused a lot of problems when it comes to dating-"
S: "AMONG OTHER REASONS."
L: "Before these two get into one of those cartoonish balls of violence with me in the middle, can I just say that I'm sixteen now and move on?"

4. Height and weight?
S: "5'5" now, and 130 pounds in weight."
L: "5'3", 110 pounds."
C: "5'3", 90 pounds. Hollow bones, baby!"

5. Sexual orientation?
S: "Straight."
L: "Aro-ace. Funnily enough, my author did consider hooking me up with one of his OCs back when I was a badfic character, "
C: "Bisexual, though with a preference for women. And I swear to Lady Palutena, if you imply that I've become straight thanks to my relationship with Stephanie..."

6. IQ?
S: "Uh, what now?"
L: "They didn't have IQs back in the fanmade region I grew up in last I checked..."
C: "What's an 'aye-kyoo'?"

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
*All three of them exchange confused glances, burst out laughing, and simultaneously shout "NEXT!"*

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
S: "Just the one: a two-handed sword with ice powers, ganked from an Avatar: The Last Airbender fanfic by its original owner and given to me during the 2015 New Year's Gift Exchange."
L: "My double-headed axe-trident, Amphitrite. A relic from my homefic that I still use every once in a while."
C: "My three current weapons from the Kid Icarus continuum: the Angel Bow, the Eyetrack Orbitars, and the Ninja Palm."

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
S: "About the only one who can say yes would be Cupid, and that's for being a Sue-wraith. We fixed that right away, though."
C: "Yeah, if anything, the worst trouble I'll get into nowadays is for swiping Bleeport from Rudi's."
L: "...I don't think I've committed any crimes per se, but then again I've worried so much that people will regard me as a Sue and want me gone... Not healthy, I know, but still."

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
*The girls nod with less than amused expressions.*
C: "Well, you know how Steph and I are... so..."
S: "Let's just move on."

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
*The girls immediately start getting upset looks. Cupid, meanwhile, folds his wings over his face to hide his blush.*

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
S: "Weeeeeeellllll... It'd probably be-" *long string of angry-sounding parrot squawking*
C: "No way! Well, I prefer to curse in Greek, since according to my homefic I was taught that as a mortal. It's a lot of elaborate-sounding fun, though I do lapse into English cursing too at times!"
L: "And I've got 'Legendaries', taking Arceus' name in vain, and I might know a few Armenian swear-words as well."

13. When was the last time you threw up?
S: "I get nasty vertigo whenever I get put through a drastic time and space transition, like a scene shift. I think one of our previous missions had one of those, so I'll probably just put that as the answer."
C: "And then there's all those times I got way too drunk... I think that one time when I tried genuine alcohol kinda counts. Not fun."
L: "...let's just move on. Please."

14. Have any mental illnesses?
*They all look at each other.*
All three at once: "PTSD."

15. What is your biggest phobia?
S: "...don't tell anyone this, but... planes. If you know my canon basis it should be kinda obvious why..."
C: "For similar reasons, fire. And bad things happening to Lady Palutena, or Stephanie..."
L: "...I'm scared of the dark... I know it sounds so stereotypical, but I sleep with a Lanturn-shaped night light on every night..."

16. Do you crossdress often?
*The girls shake their heads in denial.*
L: "Well, there was this one time when I got Cupid to wear a dress..."
C: "I thought. I told you. Not. To speak. Of that. Again."
S: "But technically it was through the use of a D.O.R.K.S. and not a-"
C: "NEVER. AGAIN."

17. Have any addictions?
C: "Bleeport. Definitely Bleeport."
L: "Of course it'd be you to answer that right away, Angel Face..."
S: "Yeah, well, he'd be the ONLY one with a straight answer, not gonna lie. 'Cuz we're pretty clean ourselves, for obvious reasons."
*Lapis nods, and Cupid's face feels rather warm.*

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
S: "April 23, 1957. That... That's all I'm gonna say."
C: "I'm pretty sure I'm already in the afterlife..."
L: "I actually did die as well once, in a sense. I was disguised as a Steven Universe gem about three years ago, and there was this gem-ified replacement of a canon who got me with a volley of icicles. It took me two hours to regenerate, but as it was a dark period of my life back then, the effect was much more far-reaching than just a new hairstyle... I'm afraid I wouldn't even be here today if that hadn't happened, for reasons I... I'd rather not to talk about... *sniff*..."
*The other two stare at Lapis with horrified expressions, and then hug her very tightly.*

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
*The three of them instantly burst up into frantic shouts of denial.*
C: "Next question, PLEASE! Don't give them any ideas!"

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
*The three of them shake their heads.*
L: "We've already been to FicPsych for consultation, multiple times, at some point in each of our lives. The rest, well... We'd rather not discuss it."

21. Do you snore?
S: "Well, I can't say anything about Pi, but Cupid does. Rather loudly. I have to wear earplugs to bed every night just to get some shut-eye..."
*Cupid kicks her in the shin. She only feels a gentle nudge from the rather hard impact, and decides it was worth it.*

22. Are you drooling right now?
*The three of them shrug and mutter a collective negative. The girls either don't notice or consciously ignore Cupid surreptitiously wiping a tiny droplet of spittle from the corner of his mouth...*

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
S: "Falchion, hands down. He's my brother, after all, who did you think I was gonna pick?"
C: "Definitely my girlfriend, Stephanie Podd. She's just too precious not to save, "
L: "I... I can't really answer that question with as much certainty as the others, since there are a few choices to pick. I would've gone with a certain someone, but I lost him a while ago, and his boyfriend... well, he has his own partner to deal with. I also feel a lot of kinship with Falchion because he and I were created by the same person, and I knew one of his past lives as well. But then there's his other partner-"
S: "Who's friends with me. I'm sure in due course you'll get to know her well enough to be friends with her, too!"
L: "Uh..."

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
*All three of them give the interviewer a simultaneous triple death glare.*

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
S: "I have a boyfriend back in my home continuum, Wendell Zuckerman. We're in a long-distance relationship right now, but I do visit him every once in a while."
C: "For girl and other species, Steph definitely counts!"
L: "I don't do love, for multiple reasons. Never have, never will."

26. Did you like it?
*Sarah and Cupid both nod eagerly, but Lapis huffs in disdain.*

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
C: "I kinda miss Lady Palutena being in my head, to be honest..."
*The girls look at him with startled expressions.*
S: "Well, to be fair, he used to be a Sue-wraith, so maybe his voice ended up being in Pit's head?"
L: "...I think my brain just broke trying to process that."

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
S: "I... I don't think so. I was actually pretty popular, especially since I had a zoo volunteer job before... before what happened."
C: "I kinda doubt I went to school myself. Used to work on my mortal family's farm before my own demise..."
L: "And I went on my journey as a trainer starting from the age of ten. So I'm naturally excluded."

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
S: "Probably not. This was kinda fun, actually, at least half the time."
C: "I agree. Well, I had fun the ENTIRE time, really."
L: "I didn't. That is all."

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
S: "Eh."
C: "Can I have a shot of Bleeport now?"
L: "NO!"
Addendum because I'm dumb by SkarmorySilver on 2019-02-23 02:29:00 UTC Reply

23a. I know this may sound disrespectful to Sarah, and I sincerely apologize for it, but if I had the choice, I'd take Lapis. She and my author have a long creative history together and I wouldn't want to see her development ended in a split second!
23b. I absolutely would save Sarah, though. I owe a life debt to her for bringing me to the PPC HQ in the first place, kick-starting my own character growth, and helping me realize that unlike what I once feared, I can cease to be a Suvian, without ceasing to be.

Sure, let's get this party started! by Matt Cipher on 2019-02-22 19:22:00 UTC Reply

And I'm going to ~~blatantly rip-off~~ be inspired by Ixi's idea to do all of my agents separately. Here we go!
Let's get this ball rolling. by Neshomeh on 2019-02-22 17:10:00 UTC Reply

Starting with Jenni, because she's taking this thing solo regardless of what I do with the rest.

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

This should be fun... Jennifer Robinson, human for practical purposes, someplace that doesn't have a name.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

Department of Fictional Psychology, no partner. Or several, depending on exactly how you want to construe the term. *smirk*

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

Biologically, 35. Existentially, about sixteen years in the PPC, plus several lifetimes of varying lengths beforehand. Never really counted, but we're probably looking at a few hundred years of rational, linear time. Irrationally, a lot more than that.

If you want to get meta, I've been around as a character for about... 27 years, give or take a bit?

4. Height and weight?

5'7", maybe 140? Bit more? Look, my author is bad at numbers. I'm not too skinny and I've got some muscles because my job involves restraining thrashing people on a daily basis, I'm raising two boys, and I have an active social life besides.

5. Sexual orientation?

[Jenni just laughs.]

6. IQ?

My job also involves outsmarting some pretty clever people who think they're on to me, which they might be. I think that's more Wis and Cha than Int, but whatever.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

I dunno, something-C? Oranges, not grapefruits. Oh, and I like low-cuts: hipsters or bikinis. Cute and practical!

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

Haha, no, I don't do weapons.

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

Nope. Walkin' the straight and narrow here.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

[Jenni laughs.] Oh, shards, no.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

Sure. I fantasize about lots of relations.

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

... I guess I still use "shards" a lot. It's pretty tame as curses go, but you can spit it out with a lot of force if the situation warrants it.

13. When was the last time you threw up?

Um... I don't know. Not a lot of illness going around HQ, generally, and my immune system is battle-hardened.

14. Have any mental illnesses?

Not unless you want to believe the people who keep telling me I have a savior complex or Florence Nightingale syndrome or something.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

... Losing myself. It almost happened once, before I came here. That, or not having a place to belong and people to belong to. Maybe it's the same thing.

16. Do you crossdress often?

Y'know, the idea of crossdressing assumes that sex dictates gender dictates style, which is pretty stupid. Speaking as someone who only has a sex because I choose to, I also choose the fashions that suit me, and the only gender that matters in that choice is "mine." I get that it's easier because I've elected to be female, and male-bodied folks draw more criticism for going against societal norms, but the point is, there's no "crossing" if there's no sense of transgression.

... Not that I want to ruin anyone's fun if they enjoy the sense of transgression. That's cool, too.

17. Have any addictions?

I suppose you could say I'm addicted to human. Don't plan on quitting, either.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

[Jenni starts tallying on her fingers.] ... Wait, are we counting AUs? I've had some awful deaths in AUs. *shudder*

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

I work there, so I was evaluated by Dr. Freedenberg when I started?

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

Only when Suzine is up my butt about paperwork or Elms wants to go hang out at Rudi's or something.

21. Do you snore?

I don't think so? Maybe if I'm really out of it.

22. Are you drooling right now?

Technically, we're always salivating.

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

Okay, if HQ is blowing up anyway, I'm saving everyone I can, and anyone who doesn't like it can stay behind. At least both my kids. I'm not having any of this Sophie's Choice bullshit.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Like half an hour ago, when I got off shift. Why, did you want a sample to analyze? I'll give you one. *very worrisome grin*

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

*laughs, but suddenly stops* Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever kissed anyone from my own species. I'm not sure I have a species. Just siblings who both have their heads so far up their own immaterial behinds it wouldn't occur to them.

26. Did you like it?

Oh, yes. Kissing people is fun. *grin*

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

You've got that backwards. I am one of the voices in my author's head, and yes, we talk. Sometimes she even listens to me!

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

Um... jeez, when was I in school? Hogwarts? Yeah, there was that incident with the pancakes, took a while to live that one down. Harper Hall? Probably. I had a sister at the time, though, and they went after her more 'cause she was vulnerable. Jerks.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

This has been moderately entertaining, and dare I say I look forward to reading the results?

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

Nope, I'm out. See ya!

Mixing it up 2: Derik and Nume by Neshomeh on 2019-02-25 03:49:00 UTC Reply

[Nume stalks into the room, where Derik is already seated.]

Nume: All right, what's so goddamn important that you had to drag me back from— *he looks around and realizes what's going on* Oh, sonnova... *tries to leave, but the door is locked* Dammit! *kicks the door* ... Ow.

Derik: *has watched this performance in some bemusement* ... Might as well get it over with as quickly as possible?

Nume: *siiigh* *actually looks at Derik* Oh. It's you. Great.

Derik: I'm sorry, have we met?

Nume: *eyebrow* A few times, here and there. You happened to be recruited during one of my missions. Guess it makes sense you wouldn't remember me. On the other hand, you are a lunatic I wouldn't forget even if I forgot things. This is going to be special. *finally sits down*

Derik: ... Quite. :/

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

Derik: Derik. Human. Dragonriders of Pern.

Nume: Can I just say my answer to all questions is "go sit on a tack" and leave? *glances at the door; nothing happens* ... *siiigh* Supernumerary, human, World One and a bit? We're not really sure, but apparently what I've got doesn't really happen in World One proper.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

Derik: Mary Sues. Gall Knutson.

Nume: DIC, Ilraen-Aroline-Fothergill when he's not babysitting some hopeless wet-behind-the-ears recruits.

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

Nume: Is it 2019? If it's 2019, I turned 41 back in November of 2018.

Derik: ... You know, I've been telling people I'm 37 for a while—"I'm 37, I'm not old," you see—but if you're one of the people that recruited me, I'm fairly certain I'm older than you. Maybe I should upgrade to 42.

Nume: *snort* The answer to life, the universe, and everything?

Derik: *flat grin* Exactly.

4. Height and weight?

Derik: 1.88 meters, bit over 90 kilos.

Nume: Oh god, he speaks metric. I'll translate: 6'2", about 200 pounds. As for me: 6'1", 175.

5. Sexual orientation?

Nume: [Bleep]ing [bleep], when are you people going to realize I am never answering this question? Go [bleep] yourselves.

Derik: *wince* ... I'll never understand why Terran culture places so much importance on this. I'm typically attracted to women, but that never stopped me from fooling around with another boy a time or two when I was younger, even before I was a dragonrider. After that, well, there still weren't that many female greenriders at the time. I never minded. Plenty of attractive women at Landing if I wanted female company. *shrug*

Nume: *staring* Do you realize your life is my worst nightmare?

Derik: *frown* I don't need your approval. Look, the expectation for most of Pern is simply that you do your duty by the next generation so the population doesn't die out during the next Pass, and the expectation for a rider is that you do your duty by your dragon. Duty is duty, who you choose to sleep with on your own time is up to you, and there's no shame in any of it. It's not strange if you're born to it.

Nume: Sure, but... No, forget it, I'm not debating this right now. Or ever. *sits with arms and legs crossed*

6. IQ?

Nume: *smirk* Qualified for Mensa when I was 18. Granted, that was 1969, so I don't know what that means now. I might have lost some brain cells in this job, too.

Derik: I'm told I occasionally show "remarkable intellectual aptitude for a mortal"? On the other hand, I'm also told I'm a bloody idiot with some regularity. *grimace*

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

Nume: Remember the tack? Go sit and spin.

Derik: *rolls his eyes* Boxer-briefs. Excellent innovation. I hope the Weaver Crafthall discovered how to make them in AIVAS' databanks.

Nume: Dammit, I don't want to think about this...

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

Both: *blink and glance at each other warily*

Nume: Pff, please. I am notorious for being so awful with weapons that I'm more likely to hurt myself than anyone else.

Derik: A belt knife, but it's more a tool than a weapon. I don't carry my hammer around with me.

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

Both: No.

Nume: ... Unless the authorities found out I smoked pot in college and I just vanished before they got me. *smirk*

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

Nume: *stiffly* I refer you back to the thumbtack.

Derik: *tilts his head at Nume, starts to say something, shakes his head instead* No. Clearly. *runs a hand over his face*

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

Nume: God dammit, you prying, nosy [bleep]s. No! I do not fantasize about anything besides having my private life be goddamn private!

Derik: *rubs a spot above his temple* No... nor any other sort, really. Not much room for it between actually being with the woman and being bloody terrified for the sake of what that's wrought.

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

Nume: Oh, here's one question I'm happy to answer. *takes a deep breath*

[A rendition of the swearing scene in The King's Speech (NSFW, duh) was omitted for time and to save our eardrums from the bleeps. It was highly accurate save for the substitutions of "arse" with "ass," "willy" with "welnitz," and "tits" with "frell."]

Derik: ... *slow clap*

Nume: *smug smile* Okay, your turn.

Derik: Oh, no, I couldn't possibly follow a performance like that. It would be anticlimactic.

13. When was the last time you threw up?

Nume: That's... actually a bit fuzzy. Must've been pretty bad. So it was probably sometime during "Subjugation." *shudder* If it wasn't that, it was that godawful blue-red time fold in "Fullmetal and the Hogwarts Mishap."

Derik: *grimace* I've had one of those. The only reason I didn't throw up was that I was disguised as a Space Marine. When did I, though? *thinks* ... Huh. I haven't been that drunk in almost two years. What do you know? So, the most recent would be sometime in the last couple of months, when Gall took a turn and I wasn't quick enough to shield myself. >.<

14. Have any mental illnesses?

Nume: *laughs* If what I've got isn't classified as a mental illness, there's something wrong with the world.

Derik: ... I'd argue there's a difference between "ill" and "broken," but broadly, I suppose so.

Nume: Trust me, we both have more than one problem.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

Nume: My fears are all completely rational.

Derik: *snort*

Nume: What?

Derik: Well, come now. We've been in this room together for ten minutes, and it's obvious that you're terrified people might learn certain details about you, which is absolutely irrational. I don't know if there's a name for that, but you've got it, clear as a bell.

Nume: ... You're full of [bleep], fekface.

Derik: *rolls his eyes* As for me... I am afraid that I will hurt the people I care about.

Nume: You're a deranged lunatic; that's not irrational.

Derik: *stares coldly at him for a few seconds* *takes a breath, lets it out* All right, then. Bugs. Little ones with lots of legs, crawling under my clothes.

Nume: Entomophobia.

Derik: *sneer* I shall note it down in my diary.

16. Do you crossdress often?

Nume: Never, and [bleep] you for asking.

Derik: *shrug* I'd do it for a costume, but no, not often.

17. Have any addictions?

Nume: No; Bleepstuff doesn't count.

Derik: ...

Nume: Go on. Admitting you're an alcoholic is the first step to recovery.

Derik: I quit getting drunk, though.

Nume: If you still want to drink 'til you puke and you don't want to admit it, you're an addict.

Derik: *sigh* Fine. I'm an addict. But it's under control now, so—

Nume: Spoken like a true addict. Don't skip your meetings, bub.

Derik: *mutter* I don't do that anymore, either.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

Both: ...

Nume: Can we not?

Derik: Let's not.

Both: Next!

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

Nume: *grin* That's how you got here.

Derik: *growl* Yes, that would be the second—no, the third time I almost died and the worst day of my life, thank you.

Nume: ... Well, they didn't have to take me away, I went in by myself, eventually. I was a prick about it, but I did it.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

Nume: Only the crazy woman who insists on being my friend for some damn reason. Bet she doesn't leave you alone, either.

Derik: Actually, we don't talk much. It's... awkward. For both of us.

Nume: *open-mouth stare* Frell me dead. I figured, what with you being...

Derik: *icy stare* What?

Nume: *survival instincts kicking in* Never mind. Lucky you, that's all.

21. Do you snore?

Both: No.

Derik: And whatever Gall says, she's lying.

22. Are you drooling right now?

Both: *look at each other*

Nume: *shrug* Only in the metaphorical sense of being stark slathering bonkers for being here. And I include myself in that.

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

Derik: Gall. At least until... *fret* Maybe even... *fret, fret* No, I couldn't... but... *fret fret fret* Well, at least I don't have to worry about Thoth. Maybe he'd...? *fretting intensifies*

Nume: Jesus Christ, stop. You're making me anxious, and I do not care.

Derik: Well, what about you?

Nume: Hrm. ... I guess I'd have to save my idiot partner. He'd probably be trying to do something heroic and stupid, and I'd have to be the one to save his furry blue butt, again.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Nume: What?

Derik: That's going a bit far for decency.

Nume: Oh, thank Christ, boundaries. Skip?

Derik: Skip.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

Derik: Yes, yes, and... yes, if Mary Sues count. *scowl*

Nume: No. No, no, [bleep]ing no.

Derik: *blink* Why would you lie about that?

Nume: Excuse me?!

Derik: *wince* I'm sorry, I'm trying not to hear, but you lie loudly.

Nume: *apoplectic* Stay the [bleep] out of my head!

Derik: I'm not in your head; I've just gotten more sensitive to this sort of thing with my defense training.

Nume: Well, stop it!

Derik: I'm trying! Calm down and it'll help!

Nume: I will not calm down, you—!

[The feed cuts out for several minutes.]

26. Did you like it?

[Derik and Nume are now glaring at each other with their chairs as far apart as they'll go.]

Nume: I swear to god, if you say one word...

Derik: *to the camera* I. Liked. Every. Second.

Nume: *scoff*

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

Derik: *abruptly gets up and walks around the room, muttering to himself*

Nume: ... Huh. Well, no voices here...

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

Nume: *snort* Geek, freak, weirdo, mutant, queer, spaz, nerd, psycho—need I go on? I can go on.

Derik: *quietly, from the wrong side of the camera* No one made fun of anyone in my hearing. Not after I pounded Sebrin the second time, anyway.

Nume: *raises an eyebrow* So you were, what, the biggest, baddest bully?

Derik: *silence* *walks back around and sits down again* ... *sigh* Maybe.

Nume: ... Eh. As long as you never stole anyone's glasses or put their head in a toilet, you get a pass from me.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

Nume: [Bleep] you, [bleep] your mother, [bleep] you very much.

Derik: Seconded.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

Nume: You already know what you can do with your thumbtacks.

Derik: *snort* Heard and witnessed!

[They exit in not quite the worst of spirits.]

"I believe I should be flattered." by Thoth on 2019-03-01 14:56:00 UTC Reply

"...To have had such an influence upon you, brother," said Thoth. "Although a future note to prudence: People rarely wish to know that which your gift informs you about them. This, I have learned the hard way."

He scanned the paper further. "I do not believe I have directly met the man you interviewed with. However, I may have seen him in the Cafeteria at some point. If he is the same man, I will say this: much as you stated, he is a terrible liar."

(( Oh, we're up here now! Okay. ^. ^ )) by Neshomeh on 2019-03-02 03:24:00 UTC Reply

"I know, I know," Derik grumbled. "I didn't mean to say anything, but toward the end it just slipped out. I could almost understand up until that point, you see, but..." He shook his head. "Well, I've yet to earn a Gather stamp for this instrument, clearly."*

---

* Translation from the idiomatic Pernese: This apprentice is sorry if he embarrassed his master with that mediocre display and he understands if Thoth doesn't want to let him out in public again until he shapes up. {= )

((Yeah, it seemed like the only way to make that work...)) by Thoth on 2019-03-02 15:38:00 UTC Reply

"It is not easy to pretend ignorance," Thoth said, attempting to ease his student. "Given the individual you dealt with, I believe you performed admirably well."

"Thanks." by Neshomeh on 2019-03-03 00:35:00 UTC Reply

Derik looked up again with a teasing glint in his eye. "And, what do you say: Did I surpass you at not letting slip any hints of fascinating things you didn't already know about me?"

"Quite." by Thoth on 2019-03-04 14:17:00 UTC Reply

"Although," said Thoth, "You are generally more open. So I had more to reveal to begin with."

Mixing it up: Gall and Ilraen by Neshomeh on 2019-02-24 03:21:00 UTC Reply

Mostly because I think making Nume and Derik interact will be fun, so might as well have their partners go together, too. ^^

[So an Andalite and a Viking (and a dragon) walk into a small room with a camera and a microphone...]

Gall: Hey, I know you! You were in the Hairball League!

Ilraen: *four eyes blink* The what?

Gall: Oh, come on. Dark corridor, bats, wholesome physical violence?

Ilraen: Oh! You are referring to the All-HQ Australian Indoor-Rules Quiddich League. Yes, I remember you now. You tackled me. I twisted a hoof, and if my tail-blade were not padded, I would likely have killed you.

Gall: *cackles* No, you missed me by a mile. That was hilarious. *sigh* Thor's mighty jockstrap, I miss Hairball. And just doing stuff without feeling like I'm going to pass out.

Ilraen: Yes... Pardon me, I do not wish to be rude, but... are you, er... is "carrying" a polite term?

Gall: Pfffhahaha! XD Fuzzy, you look like you've never seen a pregnant woman before!

Ilraen: Actually, no. Most of my friends who have children adopted them.

Gall: *snicker* Okay, well... yeah! I am. Very. Due next month.

Ilraen: Oh! Well, er, congratulations! I think.

Gall: Thanks! It's been great, but I want my body back now. Good thing there's chairs in here. *she sits down with a sigh*

Ilraen: *shrugs, moves to stand in front of the interviewer thing*

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

Ilraen: Hello! I am Ilraen-Aronline-Fothergill, an Andalite from the Animorphs continuum.

Gall: Gall Knutson, perfect badass, How to Train Your Dragon. And this is Fellrazer.

Fellrazer: *snort*

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

Ilraen: Implausible Crossovers, with Agent Supernumerary. Although, lately, I have been spending more time helping new recruits.

Gall: I'm in Mary Sues; my partner is Derik, who is also the daddy. ^^

Fellrazer: *rumbles and nudges her hand*

Gall: Well, yeah, of course you, too.

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

Ilraen: My official ID gives the 12 years I have existed as my age, but biologically I am an adult.

Gall: ... That's weird. But eh, so's mine. I should be 27, I think, but me and Derik definitely lost a year or two in there somewhere, so it's probably more like 25. And Fellrazer's been with me since I was 11, so he's at least 14?

4. Height and weight?

Gall: 5'4" and I swear this kid is gonna be ten pounds. Uuuugh. So. Done.

Ilraen: ... Er. Normally, my height is 6'1", not counting the stalk-eyes. In human form, it is 5'8". I have never weighed myself in either.

Gall: Dude, you mean in disguise, or can you shape-shift?

[A long digression on the Andalite morphing technology was omitted for time.]

Gall: Cool! You gotta show me when this is over. I'll show you Fellrazer's real size, too. He's normally something like 60 feet from tip to tail, 6 feet at the withers, and 5,000 pounds. At least, that's what the wiki says.

5. Sexual orientation?

Both: Straight.

Ilraen: ... I think. I have only ever been attracted to two people, but they were, and are, both female.

Gall: *shrug* Okay, if you wanna get picky... Like, if Gremlin wasn't with Xerry and she ever wanted to kiss me, it's not like I'd hate the idea? Actually, that might have happened once, but we were both pretty drunk, so she might have just been passing out in my direction when I was sort of weaving in hers? Anyway, I'm just not into it. I love sweat and hair and muscles and d**ks.

Ilraen: *sweatdrop*

6. IQ?

Ilraen: I suppose my intelligence is above average among humans, but I suspect it must be below average for an Andalite. *sigh*

Gall: I've got something better than high IQ: low cunning. *grin*

Ilraen: You seem intelligent enough to me.

Gall: Yeah, that's how I get you. *grin*

Ilraen: ... What?

Gall: Exactly! Base, low, cunning.

Fellrazer: *trills*

Gall: You are the smartest dragon in the world. You learned to talk in disguise once! Remember that?

Fellrazer: *satisfied purr*

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

Ilraen: Not generally applicable, but morphing with clothing requires that it be tight-fitting. I can only do it with briefs.

Gall: Oh man, I really hope I get to keep my boobs after the baby. I don't think I even had a cup size before, but now? Look at 'em! It sucks cuz they're sore, but damn they look good.

Ilraen: ... For the record, in case any completely random person should happen to wonder, I am not looking at this human female's enlarged mammary organs.

Fellrazer: *rolls his eyes*

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

Ilraen: I always have my tail-blade. It is all I need.

Gall: Just a boot knife right now. Can't exactly belt on the ol' mace. But I have a fire-breathing dragon, so there's that, too!

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

Ilraen: Of course not!

Gall: Pff, sissy. I haven't gotten into THAT much trouble here, but I might still be exiled from Berk for that BS with Kana? I mean, no one would remember it, but I was never un-exiled, and I DID lead a raid on the village, so that might be legit. Definitely never going back, anyway. I don't like what I've heard about how things are going back there with the new movie and all.

Fellrazer: *puts his chin on her knee and purrs*

Gall: *pets*

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

Gall: Are you serious? No! Duh! XD

Ilraen: ... Er. *blush* *untranslatable thought-blurt*

Fellrazer: *glance around* *melancholy sigh*

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

Gall: Nah. I'll admit I've had one or two weird dreams about Wonder Woman, though.

Ilraen: No.

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

Gall: I'm all about the creative and mildly blasphemous oaths. Pretty happy with the one I came up with earlier. ^^

Ilraen: I try not to curse. It is unseemly. And my partner curses enough for two.

Gall: Jeez, you are no fun at all, are you?

Fellrazer: *gives a random patch of floor a judgemental look and spits a small wad of fire at it, then pointedly looks away*

13. When was the last time you threw up?

Ilraen: I do not have a mouth, but unfortunately, my human disguise does. Some weeks ago, there was a mission that should have been sent to the Disturbing Acts of Violence Department, and... *shudder*

Gall: Guess who DIDN'T get morning sickness! :D Nah, but the smells, though. I can smell everything, which is kind of awesome, except when it's not. Like, anything remotely cabbagey, and it's barf-o-rama, which is why I've been avoiding the Cafeteria since last week. I swear they must have boiled a whole field of cabbages. Ugh, now I'm getting queasy just thinking about it. Next question, please!

Fellrazer: *sympathetic croak*

14. Have any mental illnesses?

Ilraen: Occasional bouts of depression and anxiety, but my friend Nurse Jenni says that is normal. Even visiting the Courtyard frequently is not the same as the outdoor lifestyle my species is adapted to, and our work is stressful, after all.

Gall: Does that mean I'm messed up if I frigging love it?

Ilraen: Er. Possibly?

15. What is your biggest phobia?

Ilraen: *bitterly* Falling down the stairs. I had a traumatic experience with them when I was new. Thankfully, I have managed to avoid the Escher rooms, likely because it would not be very funny if I found myself trapped inside one.

Gall: Dude, I am other people's phobias. *evil grin*

Fellrazer: *skeptical growl*

Gall: Oh, come on, that doesn't count.

Ilraen: What doesn't count?

Gall: ... *sigh* Okay, fine. You know those freaky toads that have their babies in holes in their backs? Those f***ing things are the grossest f***ing freaks of nature I've ever seen, and that's counting everything I've seen on missions and on party tables here. Things with slimy skin should not have holes in their skin with other things wiggling in there. Eugh. >.<

16. Do you crossdress often?

Ilraen: Not since Nume yelled at me for trying to wear a skirt in human morph in 2008.

Gall: *snort* You couldn't pay me to wear a skirt all the time. Not happening. I dress like a Viking. And occasionally other things, for s***s and giggles.

17. Have any addictions?

Gall: I have a terrible addiction to being this awesome. I can't stop!

Ilraen: I do not. No, before anyone asks, not even the human sense of taste. One does get used to it.

Fellrazer: *gets bored and curls up for a nap*

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

Gall: Nope! Too awesome.

Ilraen: ... It was probably the time I got this scar on my chest. That, or... no, it was when Harry Potter accidentally hit me with Sectumsempra. *avoids looking at the camera*

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

Ilraen: No. Apart from the very first time I was dropped off in FicPsych after my recruitment, I have always sought help willingly.

Gall: Like to see 'em try.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

Ilraen: No.

Gall: What did I just say? I will kick Elms' ass as many times as it takes for that nuthouse squirrel to understand I'm straight-up better than her.

21. Do you snore?

Gall: I definitely do now. I've woken myself up a few times. It sucks. Derik says I do normally, too, but he might just be messing with me. Did you know he talks in his sleep? Sometimes even tries to sing, which is pretty funny, because it's awful. ^^ He doesn't believe me. I gotta record him sometime.

Ilraen: I do not know if that is physically possible for Andalites. No one has complained.

Fellrazer: *snores*

22. Are you drooling right now?

Ilraen: I do not have a mouth right now.

Gall: Nope! *turns to Ilraen* Hang on, you guys eat with your feet, right? Can you drool with your feet?

Ilraen: No! No more than I can throw up with my feet, though right now I almost feel like I could. >.<

Fellrazer: *dribbles flammable goo onto the floor*

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

Both: *have to think about it.

Gall: So, first of all, Fellrazer and me are a package deal, so if there's saving to be done, we're doing it together. Got it? Okay. For the next few weeks? Aiden Nil. Because I'm pretty sure Gremlin would kill me if I saved her and not him or Xerry. After that, though, obvious answer is obvious. *rubs her baby-belly*

Ilraen: I... I can't. I won't. Next question!

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Both: *blink*

Gall: *bursts out laughing* Only like every five frigging minutes, dude, including right before I came in here. Actually, are we almost done? Now that you mention it, I gotta go again. Dang sprog is kicking me in the bladder. :/

Ilraen: Oh, dear. ... Technically, I do not use the toilet, per se, unless I really have no other hygienic option. It is exceedingly awkward to achieve the correct angle.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

Gall: Maybe if that thing with Gremlin counts, hell yes, and not that I know of.

Ilraen: Not as such, no, and no.

Gall: What do you mean, "not as such"?

Ilraen: I assume they mean with a mouth.

Gall: Oh. Right. ... Well, how do you do it not with a mouth?

Ilraen: *blushing furiously* Andalites touch palm to cheek.

Gall: *snort* That's disgustingly precious. So you've done that, with a girl Andalite, then. *grin*

Ilraen: ...

Gall: *snerk* ... *leer* Hey, wanna change your answers? As such or otherwise?

Ilraen: But—you—what about—I mean, no! No! *scandalized*

Gall: *laughs, but abruptly stops, looking uncomfortable* Son of a Gronckle, I think I peed a little there. This better end soon.

26. Did you like it?

Ilraen: No comment. *warily watching Gall*

Gall: Yes, moving on now please.

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

Ilraen: That is a complex question for someone who primarily converses in thought-speech...

Gall: Only when they tell me to burn things let's go.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

Gall: No I made fun of other people hurry up.

Ilraen: I never attended school.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

Gall: Kthxbye! C'mon, Fellrazer!

Fellrazer: *snorts awake, scrambles after her out the door*

Ilraen: ... This was strange.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

Ilraen: No. Goodbye.

Aieee! by Iximaz on 2019-02-24 13:22:00 UTC Reply

The baby's coming! The baby's cominnnnng!~

I had totally forgotten about those toads existing until now, thanks, Gall. >.>

Also, you realize this means come September when the Badfic Games start again, I'm definitely going to have to do Gall x Ilraen?

Oops, no. by Neshomeh on 2019-02-24 18:37:00 UTC Reply

I actively tried not to give that impression, but I failed. Oops! But, no. She just has to pee. Not much room in there for a full bladder at the moment. {= )

She says you're welcome, and I will watch for that ship with dreadful anticipation. ^_^

~Neshomeh

XD No, I didn't meanÂ— by Iximaz on 2019-02-24 18:40:00 UTC Reply

—that the baby was about to be born right then, just that Gall's pregnancy is coming along. It seems like just last month it got announced, so I was all 'whoa!'

Oops again! {X D by Neshomeh on 2019-02-24 22:50:00 UTC Reply

Heh. I only got around to saying something about it in October, when she was already slated to be four months along, and now it's four months later. Time flies!

And it hasn't happened "officially" in the spin-off yet because actually writing anything takes ages, especially when I keep distracting myself with other stuff ~~like this~~. I DO have the story of her and Derik finally getting together written, but I hesitate to post it because a) there's other stuff that happens first that's not done yet, and b) it's R-rated and I feel weird about it. I have a cool CSS solution for protecting people's innocence while still getting the point across, but still. >.>

~Neshomeh

Followup question: by The Multiverse Monitor on 2019-02-22 18:06:00 UTC Reply

Do you have any comments on your relationships with multiple Jack Harkness expies and the man himself?

---

((I am so sorry, I couldn't resist. :P Also, I wonder how many agents have a fear of losing who they are... whether it be because of their origin or them staying in the PPC. It's interesting.

-Iximaz))

Oh, for the love of love. by Jenni Robinson on 2019-02-23 00:27:00 UTC Reply

I thought you people already knew all about that—or was that the "other" Monitor? Like we haven't figured out the whole "two Monitors" thing is just a fabrication designed to drum up more subscriptions...

You know what, though? It's fine. Here's the skinny.

Backstory currently being retconned into my brain says Jacques and I have been friends since 2013, which is great. We have lots in common. Many shared interests. Including this terrible, terrible rag of yours. *grin*

He's a great guy. I mean that.

Let's see... I met Erica, what, last week? And then the typist got distracted by something shiny and forgot to continue the encounter, so who knows? She's cute, but I'd have to be a bit more sure she's okay with the whole poly thing before taking that any further than hanging out again. Preferably properly in-continuity this time.

Haven't met Dax. I'd think you lot made him up, except Jacques knows him. We must be on mutually incompatible sleep cycles or something. Either that or I'm in for more retconning soon.

And as for Jack, that is not a relationship, that was a mistake, which I feel bad about and will not repeat. That's assuming it's even canon. If it is... actually, if it is, I invite you all to learn more at the debut of my three-part film series, airing in Section 31, Room B9, starting next Thursday at 11:00 pm. You'll love it. *evil grin*

(( It is interesting! I wonder what other kinds of trends will come out of this. ~Neshomeh ))

Edward's answers, continued. by Snowblaze on 2019-02-22 13:24:00 UTC Reply
1. No.
  12. I don't usually swear that much, but I am fond of the f-word in particularly horrendous missions.
  13. A few missions back, when Kat managed to forget to portal through a decade-long time skip.
  14. None diagnosed.
  15. I like to think I'm fearless, but to be honest my worst fear is turning into a Stu.
  16. Never.
  17. I do like coffee...
  18. I've never died. Closest I've been is I would have died in my homefic if the PPC hadn't come along.
  19. No.
  20. No.
  21. Definitely not!
  22. Why would I be?
  23. Kat, given that she's the only person/alien/sentient being I actually get on well with.
  24. What kind of a question is that?!
  25. Yes. A Sue.
  26. I did at the time. Now I absolutely hate it.
  27. What little voices? I don't have any little voices!
  28. I didn't go to school. Peculiars don't have state education.
  29. Go away. Please.
  30. I am not going to answer your f***ing questionnaire on thumbtacks!
I'll be trying my hand at this. by Hardric on 2019-02-22 09:48:00 UTC Reply

First Richard Legard.

Euh, I'm here for the interview. You mentioned you'd be giving free Lone Wolf books for this in your letter, right?

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

Oh, a bot program, Marina will like you. Well, my name is Richard Legard, vanilla human of World One. That's it

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

That would be the Freelance Department of Mary Sues, with Marina Nicodelli as my partner.

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

I got 25 years old a few monthes ago.

4. Height and weight?

I'd say five foot and eleven inches, six feet with the hair. Not sure about the weight, probably a little under one hundred fifty stones.

5. Sexual orientation?

Euh, straight, I guess? Can't really exclude the possiblity of... well discovering other preferences later in life though.

6. IQ?

Ah, i got tested for that in grade school, just as they decided I needed to see a psy for social awkwardness and isolation. They said it was 146, not sure about that sometimes.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

Euuuh, do I look like I have breasts?

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

Well, I usually have a swordcane, a M1911 like Marina, and most above all the Remote Activator. I mean, how do you trump Portal to Lava as a weapon?

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

Why would I have committed any crime exactly?

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

Why did I agree to this... No, never met someone I wanted to go with so far.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

...*whispers* Do people of the of the other sex cou– Why am I telling this?

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

Yes, after the last one, I'm so glad you're a bot right now...
Duck/Cannard in Fench. You'd never think about how many actual cursewords are only one letter away, right until you try it.

13. When was the last time you threw up?

Euh, can't actually remember it, so I'll guess that will have to do?

14. Have any mental illnesses?

Unless not bing really social count, none so far. This place does have its reputation.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

Death. Next please.

16. Do you crossdress often?

Euh, never felt any need or reason fo doing it.

17. Have any addictions?

Do RPG, videogames, books and dark chocolate and dark coffee count?

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

Closest so far? Maybe that Madoka trollfic. I'd be happy if it stays my closest brush.

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

No.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

I certainly hope than no.

21. Do you snore?

According to my brothers and Marina, yes.

22. Are you drooling right now?

Who was progamming these questions exactly?

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

...Comment vous pourriez choisir une seule personne à sauver au juste? I mean, there is my partner, but also all these kids here...

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Think about the free books, Think about the free books...

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

Does kiss on the cheek as greeting as a kid count? If yes, yes, yes, no. If not... Well, total no.

26. Did you like it?

Guess the triple no it is then.

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

The one telling me to let Marina handle you since she's coming next? Yes.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

Yes. My mom was actually impressed by how little I let that affect me. I mean, these people don't know me, and I'm probably never seeing them again after school. Why should I have let it get to me?

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

Not really, I never was big on that. Actually, yes. Where are these books?

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

Oh, in the box there. Well, I'm letting you with Marina now. Good luck I guess.

And now for Marina:

For the life of me I can't understand how you managed to have my sign a binding contract for that whithout knowing about it until the notice arrived, but let me be clear, you have officially joined this place's Hunger Games organisators on my 'to hit' list.

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

Figures you'd be hiing behind a bot. Well, let's get this over quickly. Marina Nicodelli, human Wizard, Dresdenverse.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

You know you interviewed Richard just before me, right? you should know the answer to that one.

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

That's surprisingly innocent. Twenty six by now.

4. Height and weight?

I SHould have known better. Five feet four for one hundred fourteen pounds. What, you wanted a joke about ladies and weight?

5. Sexual orientation?

Staight, unless White Court Vampire-induced lust count.

6. IQ?

Never went for measuring it. The fact I'm here should tell you everything though.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

The complete and utter surprise... 34C. Better you have true numbers than making up stuff, since you'll be posting that whatever I want or not.

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

A gun, a knife to use as an athame, and magic if I wasn't Disguised as a World one human. Still, little bot, let me remind you I only need a hand right now...

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

I worked with the police back home, not against them. And last thing I wanted was to have my dad being the one to come if I committed one crime.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

Did I hear someone wanting to be hexed?
*Survival Instincts exe. booting in*

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

Again, only if White Court Vampires whamming your mind count.

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

Oh, someone tried to be clever with the recording. Shpx. Here, nice and simple, to use in all circumstances.

13. When was the last time you threw up?

Last time I had to taste Urple Prose, aka far too recently for me.

14. Have any mental illnesses?

Trauma, including that garbage fire of an interview.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

Renfields. Look it up if you don't know. Meeting the people creating these interviews too now.

16. Do you crossdress often?

I can use my gun for target practice too, you know?
*Survival Instincts exe. booting in*

17. Have any addictions?

Nice to know for sure you can do that... Any people telling me black coffee is an addiction, try my life. Then we'll talk.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

... That shpxing ambush by Fomoians which destroyed my life and had me jump to that asylium of an organization.

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

No.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

*click*
*Survival Instincts exe. booting in*

21. Do you snore?

No. Though it does look like I move a lot while I sleep.

22. Are you drooling right now?

I swear, if I found any hair you joker left when you set up that shpxing thing. When I told you it fits all circumstances.

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

Richard. I assume everybody else is doing that 'save someone' routine at the same time, while he agonizes over who to save. I'm not letting him explode with that place.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Will wonders never cease, you actually manage to beat tabloids for the bottom of the pit.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

No, Yes, No. Unwilling third ones very much don't count.

26. Did you like it?

Your Survive.exe might need bigger running time...
*Survival Instincts exe. booting in again. Sending requests for exttension of duration of said .exe*

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

You never joke with what can invade your skull. Consequences are never funny.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

Some idiots decided to pick up on a cop's daughter. I always made sure to answer accordingly.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

...Would you look at that? All these hair hanging around the poor little bot. Guess recinding hairlines are a thing for tabloid journalists.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 quest–

*Interview Bot 000 suffered major hexing damage. Blackbox had pictures of interviewee 13 picking up hair left on its frame.*
EdwardÂ’s answers. by Snowblaze on 2019-02-22 07:53:00 UTC Reply
1. Edward Stone, peculiar, Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children.
  2. Mary Sues. My sister.
  3.20, depending on plot holes and time loops.
  4. Six foot, about sixty kilos.
  5. Is this relevant?
  6. Higher than average. Definitely.
  7. Once again, not relevant.
  8.*counts* Depends on your definition of weapon. Two? Three?
  9. Not in the PPC.
  10. There were some implications otherwise in my backstory. Should probably state that the other party was a Sue.
  
  (Short on time now, will carry on later)
The following has arrived via a trained blue fire lizard: by Scapegrace on 2019-02-22 06:08:00 UTC Reply

Look, just give Lolus a kebab and he'll be on his way. His messy, garlic-scented, hopefully-meat-filled way.

---

1) Hi! I'm Wobbles the Clown, I'm a human, and I'm originally from a very stupid place! It wasn't a fun time being the comic relief in a Twilight badfic, but I'm doing okay now. Least, I think so, but I guess I prolly would.

2) Most people know me, if they know me at all, from my TV stuff, which means I work with my buddies in the A/V Division a lot. When it comes to active duty, I work in DF, and so does my partner! Her name is the Notary and she's a Time Grump! And also kind of a horrible person! Who we tolerate anyway!

Okay, that wasn't fair. The Notary's been through a capital-L Lot over the years. Time War stuff, relationship breakdowns... it all affects people different ways. Some people come back from a bad place and find out they've taken it with them, and that can drag you down into an even worse place than the one you left. She's trying to move on, though. I've seen it myself. Jenni's certainly helping her do that, and, well.

I didn't do my part, at least not until recently. But I'm trying to be better too.

3) Oh, gosh, um. Iunno. I mean, I was a teenager when I was in my homefic, but I mighta been in my early twenties, and it's been a while since I got outta there, and time passes kinda weird... man, I'm just gonna call it quits at twenty-eight and stay that way until the greasepaint stops hidin' the wrinkles.

4) I'm a big girl. Six foot one and, uh, fakecoughingnoise pounds. Am I allowed to put that? No? Aw, beans. Okay, 307. I don't let it slow me down, either, I've got a 40 time of 4.96, a 9'4 broad, a 33" vertical, 29 reps at 225, 7.90 3-cone, and a 4.51 shuttle. If I'd had a mom or dad, they'd say I was built like a linebacker. I... I wanted to play football, and I still like to watch it, but nobody around here seems that into it and my disability means I can't set the RC to play the games super easily. For reference, since I guess this is an interview, WSU for college and Seahawks for the NFL. Also, uh, Stallions for the AAF, I guess? I just like the team colours.

5) I work in the 2-11 demo, so it doesn't come up super often, but we've got a bunch of queer kids in the Nursery and I let them know that I'm like them too. And I'm their friend, because I'm everybody's friend, so that means it's gotta be fine! But yeah, outside the studio, I mostly go for other girls when I go for anyone at all. Demisexual biromantics represent, yo.

6) High enough to know that trying to quantify intelligence as a single number is absolutely rock-fricking-dumb.

7) Aw, beans. Uh. Hold on, lemme check, uh... carry the one... cheese and crackers, 44G? When the heck did that happen? I need new underwear. Guess this is why the sports bras have been feelin' tighter than normal lately. Oh, and I know you didn't ask, but boxers too. Life is too short and my butt is too big for teeny little panties.

8) I can't bring a lot of weapons to missions, but mostly I use a slapstick when I use anything at all. It's either that or a pogo stick. I can't use guns because of my AAT and I'm a lousy archer. Maybe I should look at crossbows...

9) Nope! The judge said that the property damage caused by my condition was not a deliberate or intentional malicious act, so legally I'm A-OK! Which is super fun for everyone!

10) I mean, no? But it's irrelevant. Having or not having sex is individual choice, and it's wrong to shame people for exercising that choice in whatever way feels right for them. Virginity's not shameful any more than getting [EXTREMELY CENSORED PORTION OF THE INTERVIEW] with five German steelworkers and a bucket of live fishing bait is. Let he who is without Lust Object cast the first stone.

11) Relationships, yeah, absolutely. I kinda don't fantasize about the act, though, y'know? Like I said, demisexual.

12) I don't really enjoy cursing much, and believe me I am super out of practice despite hanging out with the Notary a bunch, but I think my favourite is [OH CHRIST MAKE HER MOUTH STOP MAKING NOISE I FELT MY INNOCENCE DIE]. That one's in Klingon!

13) Uh, probably after the last time I went drinking with a Time Lord and a woman that manipulates probability so she wakes up feeling minty-fresh after drinking a Time Lord under the table. Yeah, the six-foot clown with the body of a defensive end is the lightweight of that group. Figure that one out.

14) Depression, angstfic-related symptoms, and a very unhealthy relationship with my emotions that I'm trying to work on. Jenni helps, which I guess isn't a surprise. The Notary's trying to help too, in her own weird way. That was a surprise, but a nice one.

15) Going back. I know I can't ever go back, the fic collapsed once the mission was over, but phobias are irrational and what's more irrational that being scared so white I look like a mime of ending up in a place it's literally impossible for me to go back to?

I guess it's, like... I worry that all this is a dream, and that I'll wake up and it'll be a dull grey rainy day, and I'll try to make toast and electrocute myself for that bitch's amusement again, just like I started every day until the PPC rescued me. I have a condition. It's not a joke. I am not a joke. I'm a clown.

Big difference.

16) Uh, technically? Clown costumes are pretty gender-neutral, but they skew more towards male with the baggy pants and the suspenders attached to the big ol' hula hoop waistband. Also the bow tie, but bow ties are cool.

17) Not right now, no. I used to be addicted to angst, just like a lot of other angstfic refugees in this place, but I've got my 10 year token. Every day is a struggle, but every day helps. It's behind me, and even if I won't be free of the urge? I'm free to act on my own desires. No script, no predetermination, just me and what I choose to do with my life. I'm recovering.

18) I haven't died yet, but I think the closest was in my first mission. We nearly got taken out by a fire elemental replacement, and I lost, like, half of my wig with that one. Plus a bunch of my real non-giant-rainbow-wig hair and my scalp got burned up but good. Which was just great.

19) Yeah, they have, and I can't thank them enough that they did. Ten years angst-free. I should talk to that other Time Lord from the Council that the Notary screwed over sometime, she looks like she needs the group's help.

20) Uh, Jenni is, but only because I help make sure the Notary gets to her appointments on time. Does that count? I'mma say it counts.

21) Six one, three hundred pounds. Of course I snore, goofus. I can't not snore. It's sleep apnoea.

22) There's no chocolate milkshake here, so no. Ah, chocolate-flavoured dairy products. My one great weakness. Y'know, I once made a chocolate milkshake with chocolate ice cream, three different chocolate bars, chocolate dessert sauce, chocolate milk powder, chocolate cake, and chocolate milk. The Notary had one sip and half a dozen FicPsych nurses had to claw her off the ceiling of the common room while the sugar rush wore off.

23) I'd say Jenni, but she can save herself. So... I really don't know. Whoever I could, I guess.

24) Uh, this morning? 7:32 sharp, like a normal person? And I will again at 6:13 tonight, also like a normal person?

25) Yes, yes, and yes.

26) Yes, yes, and yes.

27) I don't have little voices in my head, thanks. I talk to everyone though, so if there are any little voices in my head, come out and say hi! Let's be friends!

28) I received a lot of ableist bullying because of my AAT, and I'd rather not discuss it further.

29) You know that new division? Non-Propaganda Communications? The ones who do that knockoff Buzzfeed thing? They're more respectful of people and ask more interesting questions than you, an actual newspaper. Y'all have a lot to think about.

30) Try. It.

[Some time later...] by Jenni Robinson on 2019-02-22 15:32:00 UTC Reply

*blinks, looks up from MM* Are you talking about me in #13? ... Wobbles, you know how I don't actually drink that often? Like, hardly ever? And when I do, it's ginger beer or cider or something with maybe 4% ABV max? Yeah, you are NOT the biggest lightweight in the group. I will fight you for that crown. = P

Also, seriously, I haven't messed around with any laws of anything for years. The Sue Tracker was humiliating enough the first time, and THAT was for something I did for a bloody good reason. If the Notary is telling you otherwise, it's because she is still having trouble owning the positive changes she's making for herself, and that is something we'll keep working on.

[And later still]

... Me? Aw, jeez. C'mere, you goof. *hugs* ^_^;

'I-d just like to mention...' by Finch and Bingle on 2019-02-22 04:34:00 UTC Reply

'That I don-t like what you-re implying, when you want to interview Bingle and I together.'

'What's wrong with us being interviewed together, Finch?'

'The implication that we represent two sides of one whole, like we-re just two halves of some kind of mildly funny comedic duo or something, rather than real individuals in our own right.'

'Oh! Well, what else did you think we were?'

'What the Hell does tha--'

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

'Bingle! I am Bernhard Bingard Bingle, I am a human, and I am from nowhere at all!'

'S86FNC-11630, Domestiworks V7 "Provend" automatic vending machine, "dried fruit orange" paint scheme, standard line. My theory is that I-m from Hell. It-d explain a lot.'

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

'The Department of Rubbish Losers Nobody Cares About Who Don-t Get Enough Funding.'

'The Department of Operations! We don't have partners but I don't doubt if we did Finch would be mine. I believe my intelligent calmness balances out his angered irrationality, you know?'

'You dirty bloody godd--'

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

'I don't know!'

'I don-t care.'

4. Height and weight?

'Tall enough that I keep breaking my nose on the doorframes, which is incredibly painful! I am forty kilograms, which sounds quite bad, but I actually don't have most of my organs at all!'

'Is this a damn medical checkup? I-m the height and weight of an average vending machine.'

5. Sexual orientation?

'Oh, I haven't thought about that since I left my wife all that time ago. Or husband. I can never recall which it was.'

'I get exposed to enough disgusting organic fluids on my job. No thank you.'

6.IQ?

'My Ice is very high Quality, thank you!'

'I-m certain I-m the smartest one in this room.'

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

'What is the smallest bra size, Finch?'

'I don-t really keep tabs on this sort-ve thing, Bingle. If you ask me undergarments as a whole seem like yet another great scam to pay someone else money to have yourself strangled when you least expect it.'

'My bra size is zero!'

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

'Oh, I recall taking karate classes very long ago, so I suppose you could consider my whole body a weapon.'

'My model is so unstable that where I come from it was considered, legally, an improvised explosive. So you could consider my whole body a weapon, too.'

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

'If I were my own lawyer, I don't think I would want myself to answer this question!'

'I bloody well am, and every moment of every day I-m being punished for them.'

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

'Skip this one, I don-t want to hear or think about Bingle-s answer.'

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

'Oh, not recently. Should I?'

'I fantasise about no relations at all.'

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

'The simplistic beauty of "bloody idiot" makes it a far better, more versatile option than most.'

'Crumblo! You complete crumblo! It hasn't caught on quite yet, but, believe me, you will be very insulted in about three or so years.'

13. When was the last time you threw up?

'Exactly two days ago! Oh, what a terrible day that was.'

'What a horrid shift. I was going to puke, too, but I remembered I don-t have any guts.'

14. Have any mental illnesses?

'I-m the only one who doesn-t.'

'Oh, I'm absolutely flooded with them, I don't doubt.'

15. What is your biggest phobia?

'Collapsing walls. Bees. Flooding. Mammoth attacks. Freezing to death. Burning to death. Car crashes. Getting my wiring plucked out one by one by eagles. The black death. Measles. Being stabbed. Brown bears.'

'Oh, I have occasional anxieties that my friends don't really like me, and are just politely putting up with my antics.'

'Black bears. Polar bears. Waterfalls. Short circuiting. The undead. The idea of the afterlife. The idea of there being no afterlife. Rabid dogs. Train accidents. Fate. The--'

16. Do you crossdress often?

'Oh, hardly enough, I don't think.'

'I-m always naked.'

17. Have any addictions?

'I have this horrid addiction to decent interviewing that I really wish I could get a fix for right now.'

'I am addicted to the wonders of science and magic!'

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

'Let me bloody tell you something, there-s not a bloody single moment of any day of any week that I-m not a single slip away from the final slamming dark end to my loose mo--'

'Yesterday for both of us! I died many years ago and remain dead to this very moment and it's not as bad as people say it is. Next question, please!'

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

'Only ever when I-ve let them. They think they-re way slicker than they are...'

'Oh, yes. It's a wonderful alternative to a real holiday, you know. They even give you free food!'

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

'Why? Are you working with them?'

'He's right, you know. That's an awfully suspicious thing to ask of us.'

'That-s an awfully FicPsychey thing to ask of us.'

'Just in case you are with FicPsych, well, you know, you're far less slick than you think you are, I can assure you!'

21. Do you snore?

'I do when I'm being choked!'

'You-re a bunch of bloody bigots. Not everyone in this hellhole needs to breathe.'

22. Are you drooling right now?

'Oh, I hope not. That seems quite rude. And Finch would be terribly upset with me.'

'You-re a bunch of bloody bigots. Not everyone in this hellhole has saliva.'

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

'Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh, this is terrible! I can't--believe this! Oh! The--the wreckage! The waste of life? I don't know if I can handle this. Oh, oh heavens, oh, dear...'

'This is a rubbish question. In the case of a complete explosion of HQ I-d be the first to die. Don-t bloody contest me on this, I think about this constantly.'

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

'Exactly two hours ago!'

'I don-t know, when was it for you? Maybe next time you should try s--tting out a better set of questions for us.'

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

'Oh, I'm sure I've kissed at least one.'

'Don-t you think I-d ever risk the "cooties" disease! I-ve heard of what it does to you!'

26. Did you like it?

'I strive to keep a positive attitude towards all things I do. If I didn't like it, well, I'm sure I learnt some kind of important lesson from it, anyhow!'

'Have you even heard what it does to you? Have you?'

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

'Who the hell else is worth listening to?'

'All voices have a right to be heard and acknowledged, even the slithery, murdery ones!'

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

'Oh, absolutely! I was, and remain, the absolute perfect size and weight to be physically throttled and beaten and so on. Why, were I not myself, I would probably bully myself, too!'

'The other mechs at the scrapping plant called me "paranoid" for wanting to avoid incineration. Well, how-d that turn out, huh? Who-s incinerated and who bloody isn-t, huh?'

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

'Your questions are rubbish and you ought to be fired on the spot. I despise you, personally, and I-m incensed I used up so much of my--incredibly limited--lifespan to involve myself in this.'

'Nope!'

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

'OH, NOT TODAY, NURSE!'

'YOU-RE NOT AS BLOODY SLICK AS YOU THINK YOU ARE!'

[Finch and Bingle, having flipped the table and scattered loose items and sheets of paper all over the floor, disappear into the distance]

Man, Shift Twentieth are the best characters in the PPC. (nm) by Scapegrace on 2019-02-22 06:31:00 UTC Reply
THIS IS SO GOOD by QJ Bimblebamble on 2019-02-22 05:04:00 UTC Reply

Okay I've read a fair amount of your stuff and I have a pretty good feel for what your writing and characterization sounds like, but the beauty of your style is that it keeps surprising me. I was choking on sudden bursts of laughter this entire time. I love that that's actually Bingle's full name. I love how absurd and alarming and absurdly alarming some of the entries are. And I really like your vending machine syntax! It really reads like a machine talking. I enjoyed this immensely.

Interviewing the Detective by Aegis on 2019-02-22 04:02:00 UTC Reply

The following is a direct transcript of the audio recording of the interview with the Detective.

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

Detective: Hi-- right, you and I need to talk. I’ve been gone a while, taking care of a few things. What are the current HQ relative spatiotemporal coordinates?

Interviewer: . . . Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, spe--

D: *sigh* Yeah, right, I forgot. Monitor interview bots, you were never very bright. Should mean I’m at the right timezone, though.

I: . . . Actually, my name is Thomas, and I have a wife and two--

D: My condolences to all three, Thomas. Right, best get started. My name is the Detective. I’m a Time Lord from the Whoniverse.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

D: Security. Wait! No, Floaters. Pretty sure I was in Floaters at the moment. Should be in Security soon, though, if you want to start adjusting the employee forms. Save you some time.

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

D: Seven. Probably a bit above, not sure how much.

4. Height and weight?

D: Tall. And skinny. That’s in metric.

5. Sexual orientation?

D: If you’re worried about orienting yourself then you’re not doing it right. Get into it! Literally. Why would you even care where north was? Ridiculous.

6. IQ?

D: I’d say “higher than yours” but given your position of employment that’s not exactly a high bar.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

D: Umm. . . I was a 30F when I met me, if I recall, and I like boxers. They punch good.

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

D: Enough. Also a sonic screwdriver-- what? Nah, ‘s not a weapon. Who told you that? Ridiculous.

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

D: Yes, actually, I come very highly recommended, but usually they can’t afford my services. Er, plus ethics. Deeefinitely ethics. *nodding sagely* Ethics.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
D: *loud cackling* No.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

D: Yeeees? Duh. Weird question, honestly. *shaking head* You humans, you’re obsessed.

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

D: Paleomisanthropicarchaeotriskaidekaphobia. Get you banned on seven systems, that word. So much fun to say, though.

13. When was the last time you threw up?

D: When I saw your face! . . . Yeah, you're right, that was a bit rude. Apologies.

14. Have any mental illnesses?

D: Well, I’m still answering your questions, so that ought to tell you something.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

D: This interview continuing!

16. Do you crossdress often?

D: What's crossdressing again? I wear what I like, honestly.

17. Have any addictions?

D: Yes. Next question?

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

D: You do realize you just asked a Time Lord that question, yeah?

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

D: *swallows* Um, yeah, actually. It was. . . not my best day.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

D: If they are right now it’s for something I don’t know I’ve done yet.

21. Do you snore?

D: Yeah, according to Ave. Don’t see how that’s relevant, though.

22. Are you drooling right now?

D: . . . Yes, definitely. Aaaall over the floor-- gonna need a mop by the time we’re done. *rolls eyes*

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

D: Probably the person whose death unfixed time so I could save everyone. I’m not picking.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

D: For what? Fantastic battering rams, toilets.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

D: Well, duh. When I said I was “probably a bit above seven” I may have been very slightly underselling it. Yes, and to all three.

26. Did you like it?

D: Usually.

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

D: Well, technically, those little voices are me already, so yeah, ‘course I do.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

D: Horribly. ‘Cause I took your mom to the prom. And I’m a time traveller! That might even be true. *waggles eyebrows*

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

D: Yeah, actually, I do, and that’s me wondering why on Rassilon’s orange Gallifrey is number 29 on your list legitimately “I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have you any comments?” Dear Rassilon, something is legitimately wrong with you.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

D: Firstly, of course the interview has ended-- how is that even a question? You have a whole numbered list to look at and everything. Secondly, look at my face. Do I look gleeful? And thirdly, break out the thumbtacks. It’s time for your 100 question surve-- Huh, he’s gone. *dusts off hands* Can’t believe that worked. Anyway, Ave-- if this makes it to you, I hope you’re doing okay, and I’ll be hopping by soon. Take care.

I'm doing alright. by The Aviator on 2019-02-22 04:10:00 UTC Reply

Could be better if it weren't for this Monitor lunatic ambushing us. 'Opt-in' my arse. Glad you're coming by later, I need to de-stress after that nonsense.

Your interview was highly entertaining, though. How come I didn't think of that first?

Reply from Summer Sterling and Nickie Hedge by Quincy Jones on 2019-02-22 03:33:00 UTC Reply
1. S: My name is Summer Sterling, and I'm apparently from what y'all call World One. I just call it Earth. 'Cause. It's Earth. Yeah. Also I'm human.
  N: My name is Nicholas Hedge! I'm from everywhere, and I'm everything! *hair turns purple*
  S: Nic, no.
  N: Nic, yes!
  
  2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
  S: Freelance. Nic here is my partner.
  N: Also Freelance! And Summer is my partner. He's so shiny.
  S: Ooookaaaay.
  
  3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
  S: God, it's been a long time since I've thought about that. Uhh... No idea how time works around here. I'm gonna say... 23? That sounds right.
  N: I've been for a long time! Probably before I even was.
  S: Nic. What just came out of your mouth.
  N: Words!
  S: Oh boy.
  
  4. Height and weight?
  S: 5'6", 200lbs. I'm American, so sue me. Also, I deadlift. Call me, boys.
  N: Uhh... well, I really like being tall! So I'm usually tall. The tallest I've ever been is eight feet! But that was too tall. I'm also really thin because I like feeling like a reed.
  S: I have to pick him up a lot. I'd say his average weight is around a hundred ten, a hundred twenty pounds. He's alarmingly skinny for how tall he likes to be. And yes. It varies.
  
  5. Sexual orientation?
  S: Gayer than a box of chocolates.
  N: Everyone is so pretty!
  S: I'm pretty sure that means pan? This... guy is allergic to straight answers.
  S: Pff. I'm a comedic genius.
  N: You are?
  
  6. IQ?
  S: I got tested once when I was pretty little... I think they said something about "above average." Honestly, I have no clue. How about this: My IQ is sufficient for my occupation. Good?
  N: What's an IQ?
  S: ...That's actually a great question, Nic. I don't know.
  N: You like to put my answers in words that make sense, so what do you think would make sense here?
  S: I really don't know, Nic. You're a special one. Honestly, if I had to guess, I'd say it's freakishly high.
  
  7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
  S: Briefs. I like all my stuff to keep still, thanks.
  N: Boxers! They're so comfy!
  
  8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
  S: Well, I have my bowie knife on me right now, and I have a sharp-ish pin in my hair that works in a pinch. So technically one, but maybe two.
  N: I don't use those!
  S: You really should, you know. You get hit pretty hard on missions. I'm not always gonna be there when the... stuff hits the fan.
  N: It's okay, Summer! I'll be alright. I worry about you more! You are so squishy, and you live so bright, but when you get hurt you go so dark and cold.
  S: *frowns*
  
  9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
  S: No.
  N: Maybe? I don't know! Ooh, Summer! What if we go somewhere and they want to put me in the bars? That would be so cool!
  S: One, not cool! Two, Nic... that is NOT how jails work.
  
  10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
  S: No.
  N: Nope!
  S: What. No. I refuse to believe this. You are too precious.
  N: *smiles, pokes him in the cheek* Don't be silly, Summer.
  S: I'm nawwwt!
  
  11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
  S: Oh yeah. Ohhh, yeah.
  N: Oh! You mean how Summer is always thinking about sex! Not that much, but sometimes.
  S: Okay, first of all, I do NOT always think about sex. Second of all, can you read my thoughts?!
  N: No, it's just clear on your face! You look like you do when you sleep, only blinking.
  S: It is ever-so-slightly creepy how you apparently know well what I look like when I sleep.
  N: Only because you're always thinking about sex!
  S: No! It is not! I do not always think about sex!
  N: Okay, Summer. If that's what you say.
  S: ...You learned that phrase from me, and I hate both you and myself.
  N: *cheery grin*
  
  12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
  S: *gleefully* F--k!
  N: *goes to do the same*
  S: *puts a hand over his mouth* No. You are legally not allowed to say f--k.
  N: *pouts*
  
  13. When was the last time you threw up?
  S: ...Look, portals are rough on my stomach, okay?
  N: It was two days ago on our last mission! We went through, and then Summer looked blue, and then he threw up!
  S: Where does food even go when you eat it? Do you even have a digestive system?
  N: Sometimes!
  S: Have you ever thrown up?
  N: Nope!
  S: Lucky.
  
  14. Have any mental illnesses?
  S: Probably some generalized anxiety disorder. It's pretty mild, but I've noticed I worry a lot more than it seems like I ought to be worrying.
  N: My mens is fine, I think! I don't know. I haven't been to a medicus mentis.
  S: *mutters* Random Latin-speaking disorder, maybe.
  
  15. What is your biggest phobia?
  S: Losing touch with people I care about.
  N: Not being anymore.
  
  16. Do you crossdress often?
  S: Not often, but I did once and it was pretty darn fun, I'll tell you that. I got so much glitter put on my face. I was wearing this big ol' dress with lacy skirts and pretty pearl buttons... It was white, and white's my color, so I looked pretty great. Shaved for it and everything. It was great! I got up and danced in front of this, like, huge crowd with a bunch of other guys in drag. I loved it. It was fun. Maybe I should do that again.
  N: I've been a girl before! Does that count?
  S: I... don't know, and I don't really want to ask.
  
  17. Have any addictions?
  S: I used to smoke as a teenager but my dad helped me quit.
  N: I don't have any. Addictions are also really scary. They make your whole being depend on one thing! I don't want to get addicted to anything.
  S: *administers shoulder pat*
  
  18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
  S: I almost drove into a tree when I was nineteen. The scare nearly finished the job for it.
  N: I don't know if I've ever not been before. That makes me scared. I don't like this. Can we talk about something else?
  
  19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
  S: Not yet they haven't. *growls* Not yet.
  N: Yes! They were strange. I don't think they liked me very much.
  
  20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
  S: Nope. But they probably will be sometime in the future.
  N: Maybe?
  S: More than likely.
  
  21. Do you snore?
  S: He doesn't.
  N: He does, a little. It whistles!
  
  22. Are you drooling right now?
  S: I'm salivating. It's because I'm eating jerky.
  N: No, but I could be!
  
  23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
  S: *immediately* Nic.
  N: *simultaneously* Summer.
  
  24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
  S: This morning. What the heck do you want to know that for?
  N: I flushed it ten minutes ago! It swirls.
  S: You frighten me a little.
  N: Aww, don't be scared of me! Be scared of Sues! Sues will kill you. I won't do anything to you!
  S: Except accidentally poison me that one time. Or attack me with a pillow. Or how about that time you jumped off the top bunk onto my back and slammed me into the floor?
  N: ...Except for that, I won't do anything to you! *innocent grin*
  
  25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
  S: Yes, yes, and... look, he was blue, okay? I like blue.
  N: Yes, yes, and yes!
  
  26. Did you like it?
  S: No, yes, and... mayyybe.
  N: Yes!
  
  27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
  S: I don't have those. But I do talk to myself. Does that count?
  N: Sometimes! They have a lot of interesting things to say. Sometimes they say danger, and other times they make really bad jokes about Summer's hair.
  S: Hey, tell them to lay off the hair. It's fabulous. I know because I make it look fabulous. It takes a lot of time. And combs.
  N: That's not what they say! But I like it. It's so shiny.
  
  28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
  S: Yeah, probably because I was just kinda small and short. It wasn't a huge deal.
  N: I never went to school, but people make fun of me all the time!
  S: ...Not anymore they won't.
  N: But you make fun of me!
  S: Yeah. I'm allowed to make fun of you.
  N: But they're not?
  S: Nope! They are definitely not.
  
  29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
  S: Alright, well this one is pointless. Thoughts, Nic?
  N: I have lots of thoughts!
  S: *waits*
  S: Care to share?
  N: Maybe later.
  S: Okay then.
  
  30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
  S: *clamps a hand firmly over Nic's mouth* We are very gleeful and would not like that at all. Come on, Nickie, we're going.
  N: *muffled protests, puppy eyes, wriggling*

Also, this is awesome. by Neshomeh on 2019-02-23 16:53:00 UTC Reply

Jenni would quite like to coo over Nic, who is an adorable babby. They might be non-corporeal cousins or something? If so, she would be happy to offer guidance on this whole physicality thing! However, she is confused and troubled by his impression of FicPsych, which is why we're doing this instead of jumping straight to an RP response. ^_^

~Neshomeh
Feel free to do it this way! by Neshomeh on 2019-02-22 04:26:00 UTC Reply

The original meme asks you to pick three of your characters to take the interview together, actually. My original concept for this was agents responding to a written series of questions, but since everyone is treating it like a live interview anyway, go for it!

I will not put all five of my main characters (maybe six if I include Henry) in a room together, because if I do that I will run out of room in the post. I might do each set of partners. Will have to think about it.

~Neshomeh
I liked the back-and-forth you had! by Iximaz on 2019-02-22 03:49:00 UTC Reply

The interactions between your agents made this even more fun to read than on their own. And now I'm kind of wishing I'd done the same for mine.

>Attempt rare and highly dangerous 8X INTERVIEW COMBO. by Four Moons Watching on 2019-02-22 02:54:00 UTC Reply

Oh, hey there. What's going on?

1. Feloriel Amasteryl, high elf, D&D. Specifically this homebrew world called Elvhend, and a campaign that never got run.

2. DBS, with Ailienas.

3. 203.

4. Six feet, 140 pounds.

5. Gray ace lesbian.

6. I don't know, but my Intelligence score is 14.

7. 30AA, I believe?

8. Two. Mace and crossbow.

9. No.

10. Mm-hmm.

11. On occasion.

12. Ravens.

13. I don't remember. It was a while ago.

14. *tugs at sleeves* That's getting a bit personal, don't you think?

15. Being seen naked, believe it or not.

16. Clerical robes are unisex.

17. Does capsaicin count?

18. *shrugs*

19. Once. Ailienas sicced them on me.

20. Not at the moment.

21. I don't sleep. I'm an elf.

22. No. Why would I be?

23. ...okay, I admit it, I have a crush. But you do *not* get to know who she is!

24. A couple hours ago.

25. The only people I've ever kissed are my brother and the priestess who initiated me into the clergy. They're both high elves, like me.

26. I suppose so.

27. Only to tell them to shut up.

28. Nope.

29. This was odd.

30. Raven Queen be with you!

((The other seven are forthcoming!))

>Interview this nonchalant Soul-Singer. by Four Moons Watching on 2019-02-22 04:03:00 UTC Reply
1. Like all of my order, I do not have a name. Call me Singer, it does well enough. I am a human from the Soul-Singer of Tyrnos continuum.
  
  ...very well, if you must know, my mother called me Falloren. But I have not answered to that name for seven years.
  
  2. I do not have a partner. I am working in the Department of Fictional Psychology.
  
  3. I turned twenty-seven last month.
  
  4. Five feet, ten inches. I do not know my exact weight, but I believe it is around average.
  
  5. Asexual and aromantic.
  
  6. I have never tested it.
  
  7. I am flat-chested enough that I wear camisoles instead.
  
  8. None. Singers go unarmed, save for our voices only. With them we may work the will of the High Gods.
  
  9. No.
  
  10. Yes.
  
  11. I enjoy the occasional romance novel, but aside from that, no.
  
  12. I am not inclined to such language.
  
  13. I was rather ill this past December.
  
  14. That would depend on whether you count autism as one.
  
  15. I do not bother with fear, generally. The gods will guide me, and as long as I listen to their call in my heart I will not go astray.
  
  16. Singers' travel clothes are more masculine, but since I have arrived here I have worn my robes.
  
  17. No. Though some do joke that I am addicted to grilled cheese sandwiches, or sleeping in odd places.
  
  18. There was...an incident when I was in training. I would rather not discuss it.
  
  19. I am one myself.
  
  20. Again, I am a nurse myself.
  
  21. I do not believe so. Someone would probably have mentioned it by now.
  
  22. I am filling this out whilst eating a grilled cheese sandwich, so yes.
  
  23. Whoever was closest.
  
  24. I fail to see the relevance of this?
  
  25. Never romantically, but I have kissed plenty of people in blessing. Men, women, everything in between, children, you name it. No other species, though.
  
  26. I find a great deal of joy in my duties.
  
  27. I pray quite often.
  
  28. No.
  
  29. ...I am growing curious as to what the soul of the person who wrote this odd interview would look like.
  
  30. This was...an interesting change of pace. Go with the gods.

>Everybody out of the godsdamn way. by Four Moons Watching on 2019-02-22 04:22:00 UTC Reply
1. Allanya Amanodel, but you can call me Kita if you'd like. Wood elf, from this elaborate D&D homebrew world called Dorasir.
  
  2. DMS, with Nowhere.
  
  3. 125.
  
  4. 5'3", 100 pounds.
  
  5. Demisexual lesbian.
  
  6. You mean Intelligence score? 13.
  
  7. I don't know my exact size - I wear sports bras most of the time - but I think I'm an A or B cup.
  
  8. Three. Mace, bow, and quarterstaff. More if you count spells.
  
  9. No.
  
  10. Yes.
  
  11. Yes.
  
  12. "Sweet baby Zeck on a donkey cart" is pretty hard to top.
  
  13. I'm not sure?
  
  14. Depression and PTSD, though I'm recovering well from the latter.
  
  15. Feeling as helpless as I did the day my sister died.
  
  16. I prefer unisex clothes.
  
  17. I will lose my mind if I don't get enough touch.
  
  18. Once. Ticked off a god and got a sunburst to the face. For a while I was dead-set on kicking him Where It Hurts, but we made up before I got the chance. There were a couple other times I came close - it was a bit of a running joke in the party that if I ever went off alone I'd invariably end up passed out somewhere inconvenient.
  
  19. No, but I've gone to them voluntarily plenty of times.
  
  20. Only when I trance through my therapy appointments.
  
  21. Elves don't sleep.
  
  22. Nope.
  
  23. My crush.
  
  24. *raises eyebrow*
  
  25. Never romantically. I kissed my family a lot, when they were alive.
  
  26. I miss it.
  
  27. Not really. It doesn't usually end well.
  
  28. Nope.
  
  29. ...what the actual shpx
  
  30. Can I have the thumbtack survey to do later if I ever need something innocuous to think about?

>Quick, get meta while Moons is procrastinating. by Four Moons Watching on 2019-03-09 20:09:00 UTC Reply

PSYCHE! Moons is no longer procrastinating!

1. I'm Ailienas! Technically Lady Ailienas Mithdaiil, but shpx that, you can call me Allie if you want. Wood elf, from D&D.

2. I'm in DBS, with Fel.

3. 140

4. 5'8", skinnyish.

5. I'm bi, but I lean a little more towards women.

6. Intelligence score's 11.

7. 30C.

8. Just two. My trusty scimitars!

9. Not that I know of.

10. Not in the slightest.

11. I've *had* them more than a few times, so...

12. You're asking me to choose?

13. Why do you need to know that?

14. I don't actually know.

15. Being trapped in the high life. There's a reason I left that behind.

16. On occasion.

17. Nope!

18. That *entire* adventure in the shadow realm.

19. Nope.

20. No, but I've set them on people plenty of times!

21. A little.

22. Why would I be?

23. One of my lovers or Fel, whoever I found first.

24. *shrugs*

25. Yes, yes, and yes.

26. Yes, yes, and yes!

27. They don't tend to have much to say.

28. One of the few nice things about being an aristocrat - no one dares to tease you to your face.

29. You are very strange.

30. I'm honestly a little curious about how you managed to get 100 questions out of thumbtacks...I'm going to regret this, aren't I.

>Be the hedonistic wizard. by Four Moons Watching on 2019-03-09 20:41:00 UTC Reply
1. Ava Sianstacia, D&D high elf, at your service ;)
  
  2. Floaters. My partner's Aelis.
  
  3. 115 years.
  
  4. 6'1, 160 pounds.
  
  5. *shrugs* I'm not picky.
  
  6. Int score 14 - you've got to be pretty clever to be a good wizard.
  
  7. 30D ;)
  
  8. Dagger, club, and a metric shpxton of spells.
  
  9. Does leaving a trail of broken hearts in my wake count? In all seriousness, though, there was that brief stint as a pirate...
  
  10. Hah, as if you don't already know the answer to that.
  
  11. Fantasized plenty of times, had them plenty of times.
  
  12. Shpx is hard to beat. It's just so versatile.
  
  13. Back when I was 65. I've got a strong stomach.
  
  14. FicPsych's still trying to figure out what's going on in my head.
  
  15. Oh, I'm fearless.
  
  16. Tried it a couple times. Not my thing. Don't mind it, though.
  
  17. One-upping people, I guess.
  
  18. {This response has been stricken from the record due to there being far too much innuendo in it, even for the Monitor.}
  
  19. A couple times.
  
  20. Nah, I'm good about making my appointments.
  
  21. Nope!
  
  22. Why would I be?
  
  23. First Jacques I found.
  
  24. ...this morning, but why do you need to know that?
  
  25. Yes, yes, and yes.
  
  26. Loved it!
  
  27. Nope, they're boring.
  
  28. Not really.
  
  29. {This response has been stricken from the record for containing even more innuendo than #18.}
  
  30. {This response has been...you know the drill. Suffice it to say that Ava attempted to seduce the interviewer, apparently just for the heck of it.}

Character advice incoming by twistedwindowpane on 2019-02-26 16:47:00 UTC Reply

I'm still waiting for the others, but at least for now, I suggest you add some variety to your agents. These three and Alantha from your Permission attempt... they all sound kind of the same from a personality standpoint and, to some extent, for their traits. Honestly, they all sound substantially like you. I get that the D&D ones are likely characters you yourself played, and D&D campaigns are much more lax about self-insertion than written work, but since you're transferring them into a written universe, try and be careful with that, or else I'll get a headache from all these Moon Moons running around HQ. :P (Having trouble with character voice? See the thread on the subject.) Just a word of advice.

-Twistey

Let's see... One actual agent... by Mikelus on 2019-02-22 02:28:00 UTC Reply

(First one is Alex.)

1. Alexander Hawke, Human, and Fate

2. DTE(g), and Ce'rana

3. 19

4. 6'2, and about 200 pounds, though I will say I'm all muscle.

5. Straight.

6. I want to say the 120's range, but I've never been properly tested.

7. Boxer briefs, when I actually bother.

8. One sword. All I need.

9. Not wanted, no.

10. Hehehehehehe-No.

11. I won't say I never have, but not really, no.

12. Merda. Short, sweet, and rolls off the tongue.

13. Last time I trained. Got hit in the gut, lost my lunch. Never fun for anybody. Fortunately, I get to do it again after this.

14. Nope.

15. Failure. Death is temporary, but failure is forever.

16. Nope, and you can't prove otherwise.

17. I could kill for some tea.

18. Coming here. Experiments can be dangerous if done without proper preparations.

19. Nope.

20. Not that I'm aware of.

21. I'm gonna go with no.

22. Why would I be drooling? Surveys aren't that fun, you know.

23. Hard to say. I'd save my partner instead of myself if it let me save two people.

24. I'm not even going to question why you're asking this, and just tell you the answer is no.

25. Yes, no, and yes. Usually fun, depending on the species.

26. ...See above. This is why I should read all the questions before answering.

27. We're not on speaking terms right now.

28. Sometimes, when I was younger. I wasn't all that social in my youth. I grew out of it.

29. This is a written question sheet. If you can't think of a question, you just don't put one down. Wait, this is the Monitor. Never mind. No comments.

30. I cannot leave fast enough.

And one concept. by Mikelus on 2019-02-22 02:29:00 UTC Reply

(Giriana is a character from an RPverse I've toyed with bringing into the PPC. As an agent, she's very much a work in progress.)

Giri

1. Giriana. I'm a dragon of Antarsia

2. ESAS, with no partner.

3. I'm 40.

4. 5'8 and 16 tonnes.

5. As bi as I can be.

6. What's an IQ?

7. B

8. None. But I can make more whenever I wish.

9. No

10. Never with men.

11. All the time.

12. I... actually don't have one.

13. When I lost my eyes.

14. I'm gonna say yes, but technically no.

15. Being caged.

16. Yes. Women's clothes are so uncomfortable.

17. ... No.

18. When I lost my eyes.

19. Once, when I was having coping issues.

20. Not that I'm aware of.

21. No.

22. Why would I be drooling?

23. I'd have to think on that. Feloriel maybe? She's been through enough.

24. Why do you need to know that?

25. Yes, yes, and oh boy yes.

26. I don't know. I think I need to do it more to figure it out.

27. I used to... Now the silence just makes me sad.

28. They wouldn't dare.

29. Not really.

30. I am happy for small mercies.

Interview with the Catgirl by SATV-26S Athena on 2019-02-22 02:21:00 UTC Reply
1. I'm Amber! I am a... you call them "catgirls"? I am one of those! And something else, not very sure what. Part of me is from HuniePop! The other part... I don't know. Somewhere else!
  
  2. I was assigned to the Department of Floaters! It's a very nice place. I don't have a partner for now!
  
  3. My original, Momo, was "one cat years old", which was rendered as 18 by the game she's from! However, since one cat year can be anything from 15 to 24 human years old, let's say I am 20!
  
  4. I am 5'2'' tall and weigh 100 pounds! Or 160cm and 45kg!
  
  5. I'm a girl, and I like other girls! That makes me... what was the word for it? A "lesbian"? That!
  
  6. I know a lot about a lot if that's what you're asking! And so little about so much, too...
  
  7. Tag says "B"!
  
  8. None! I apparently don't need them, but I'd like something with reach! A gun!
  
  9. Nope! Not yet, at least!
  
  10. Yup!
  
  11. I would if I could "fantasize"!
  
  12. I don't have any! It's easier to remove the would-be source of cursing than cursing!
  
  13. I have never done that!
  
  14. Depends on what you mean by "mental illness"! A regular human would find me very unsettling!
  
  15. Maybe large bodies of water? They make me very uncomfortable!
  
  16. Nope! Never!
  
  17. Nope! None whatsoever!
  
  18. Maybe the time before I met Momo? I don't remember that very well.
  
  19. Nope!
  
  20. Nope! I hope I never give them any reason to!
  
  21. Nope! I have better ways of generating white noise!
  
  22. Nope! Should I?
  
  23. Whoever I found first!
  
  24. Went right before this interview!
  
  25. Nope!
  
  26. Can't answer that! See the above answer!
  
  27. Nope! The Abstracts have nothing to say, and I wouldn't listen to them even if they did!
  
  28. I never went to school!
  
  29. Would you past the Turing test, mysterious Interviewer?
  
  30. So soon? Goodbye!

Interview with the Onryo by SATV-26S Athena on 2019-02-28 18:59:00 UTC Reply

As relayed through by Amber, one of the few people that can actually hear the interviewee without specialized recording equipment.

1. "..."
"Hana Taiyo! She's an onr-"
"..."
"Yes, but that was before you died! She's an onryo! A spirit of vengeance! Isn't that cool? She's from Tok- wait, that's not what the Interviewer is asking, Hana."
"...?"
"The Universe you're from!"
"...?"
"Apparently there are infinite Universes!"
"..."
"Fine, let's go with that! She's from Tokyo, Japan, Earth!"

2. "..."
"Floaters, with me! She's my partner!"
"..."
"Yes, but I'm not going to die any time soon!"

3. "..."
"Born 1929, died 1945! So 16!"

4. "..."
"Come on, Hana. The Interviewer is asking nicely!"
"..."
"160cm, 53 kg! That's 5'2'' tall and 118 pounds! Quite tall for your age!"

5. "...?"
"The Interviewer is asking whether you like boys or girls!"
"..."
"She says she had a crush on one of her classmates, and she went to an all-girls school!"

6. "...?"
"How smart you are! More or less."
"..."
"She had the top grades of her class! Amazing!"

7. "...?"
"You wear them under the clothes you wear usually!"
"...?"
"No, it's not a sarashi. They... look, they look like this!" (Amber leans to show Hana her sports bra)
"..."
"No, I said it's not a sarashi! It's a sports bra! Just... just put her as an A cup!"

8. "..."
"She doesn't need any!"

9. "..."
"Nope!"

10. "...?"
"The Interviewer is asking if you ever had sexual relations!"
"..."
"She says no and you're quite rude for asking!"

11. "..."
"She didn't say anything!" (Hana turns away, as if embarrassed)

12. "..."
"You kiss your mother with that mouth, Hana?"

13. "..."
"Before her final exams! She doesn't think she's capable of doing that anymore!"

14. "..."
"Nope! She's a perfectly healthy spirit of vengeance! Just stay away from her house!"

15. "...?"
"An irrational fear!"
"..."
"She IS the fear! But she hates when people disrupt her house!"

16. "...?"
"Dressing as a male if you're female and viceversa!"
"..."
"She has never done that, and she doesn't think she can!"

17. "..."
"Nope!"

18. "..."
"Don't be rude, Hana!"
"..."
"Fine. She says 'it's obvious.' And quite frankly, it is!"

19. "..."
"Nope! She'd like to see them try!"

20. "..."
"Nope!"

21. "..."
"She doesn't even sleep!"

22. "..."
"Nope! She has no reason to!"

23. "..."
"Awww, not even me?"
"..."
"You'll grow to like me eventually!"

24. "..."
"A few years ago! Made someone that dared enter her house disappear while he was using it! We should try that with a Sue! As soon as we find out where they end up..."

25. "..."
"She died before she was able to, and doesn't think she can now!"

26. "..."
"Yeah, I answered the same!"

27. "..."
"Nope! She doesn't have any voices in her head! Lucky her..."
"...?"
"Yours, for one! But yours is by far the most pleasant!"
"..." (Hana turns away again)

28. "..."
"Nope! She was actually pretty popular!"

29. "...?"
"She asks what was the point of that question! And I agree!"

30. "..."
"SEVEN DAYS!"

>be the lethargic human by SillyPhilly on 2019-02-22 01:48:00 UTC Reply

Phil:-walks in disheveled with a bag of Doritos-

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

Phil: Um...Phil. I am a human and uh...unspecified.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

Phil: I work for the Department of Mary Sues. -wipes some Dorito dust off in his sweatpants- And my partner is uh….Spensor. Listen, is this gonna take long?

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

Phil: 20ish

4. Height and weight?

Phil: 5’8’’, 160 lbs -munches some Doritos- probably more if I keep eating this stuff.

5. Sexual orientation?

Phil:...Unspecified.

6. IQ?

Phil: Also unspecified.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

Phil: Not sure about bra size my I prefer briefs. Or “commando”.

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

Phil: Zero. Why carry when there’s plenty of potentially deadly objects just lying around?

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

Phil: I’m probably wanted for crimes against fashion.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

Phil: No.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

Phil:...Yes.

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

Phil: The f-word. I’d rather not say it out loud though.

13. When was the last time you threw up?

Phil: -scratches head- Probably two weeks ago when Spense and I went clubbing.

14. Have any mental illnesses?

Phil: Not that I know of.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

Phil: Drowning.

16. Do you crossdress often?

Phil: Odd question but no. Of course most of my clothing is unisex so....also most of the time?

17. Have any addictions?

Phil: Youtube videos.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

Phil: I once got into a car accident. That’s all I gotta say about that.

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

Phil: Not yet, but I feel my luck is about to run out.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

Phil: I sure hope not.

21. Do you snore?

Phil: Ask Spensor, he’d know. Spends the whole night up playing PS2.

22. Are you drooling right now?

Phil: Over what? Certainly not you.

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

Phil:...-sighs- Spensor.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Phil: Really weird question but before I came in.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

Phil: Yes, yes and yes.

26. Did you like it?

Phil: -nods-

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

Phil: All the time.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

Phil: I was the socially awkward dork that made an easy target out of myself.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

Phil: You really need to add some kind of incentive to come to these things. Like a free coffee or a chance to win a gift certificate. Some of these Agents are starving and in college.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

Phil: Why did you ask if the interview has ended? Aren’t you the one who should know that? Anyways, no thank you, although that does sound marginally better than Spensor dancing the macarena.

>be the hyperactive vending machine by SillyPhilly on 2019-02-22 02:15:00 UTC Reply

Spensor:-walks in with a boombox and sits down on the chair, his weight causing the legs to bend-

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

Spensor:-turns the boombox on- Yo, my name is Spensor and I’m here to say, I am an Autotbot in a groovy way~

I come from the planet of Cyberton, in the Primax Cluster of the Transformers canon~

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

Spensor: Yo check it, I used to bust other baddies in Advanced species but now I’m poppin’ Sues with my partner Phil in the DoMS scene~

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

Spensor: Several millions years young, don’t call me old. I am young at heartm or so I’ve been told~

4. Height and weight?

Spensor: Um...4 metres tall and 700 lbs fully stocked. That one is harder to rap.

5. Sexual orientation?

Spensor: What’s that?

6. IQ?

Spensor: Oh I’ve heard Phil mention that. He says it’s total bunk though. Then he mentioned something about ‘multiple intelligences’.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

Spensor: I am naked all the time. Not sure why humans take to clothing either.

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

Spensor: I have my trusty blaster and some coolant that I use to spike my beverages. Also I can throw my weight around so I guess all of me counts as well.

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

Spensor: Nah, I kept my aromatic sensors clean.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

Spensor: What’s a virgin? I think I heard Madonna sing a song about that.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

Spensor: What you mean like two mechs? Well, I have dreamt about Optimus carrying me away in his big strong arms...

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

Spensor: Bogus.

13. When was the last time you threw up?

Spensor: Two weeks ago when Phil and I went clubbing.

14. Have any mental illnesses?

Spensor: I have my neural circuits checked regularly. All my lights are still on.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

Spensor: Seeing those lamo Decepticreeps win.

16. Do you crossdress often?

Spensor: Again, I’m naked.

17. Have any addictions?

Spensor:-cracks open a Mood Whiplash and chugs it-Sorry, what was the question?

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

Spensor:...Back on Cybertron I volunteered to stay behind to find any stragglers….there were...a few close calls.

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

Spensor: A few times to determine whether my totally radical attitude was due to mental trauma.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

Spensor: Yes but they have no luck finding me. Hiding in plain sight is kind of my whole races deal.

21. Do you snore?

Spensor: I barely sleep so not sure, but my partner does!

22. Are you drooling right now?

Spensor: Over what? You?

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

Spensor: Phil, obviously. He’s the first (and only) Agent to share an RC with me, and he’s a good teacher.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Spensor: I have no need.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

Spensor: That human ritual always confused me. No to all.

26. Did you like it?

Spensor: I just said I didn’t do it.

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

Spensor: As I said I am malware free.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

Spensor: Never went to the academy, I was too busy trying to run the family business.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

Spensor: Nah this was hella chill.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

Spensor: Yeah no probs, this was tight. I would love to take the survey! And thumbtacks are always great to munch on.

Let's take Thoth first... by Thoth on 2019-02-22 01:23:00 UTC Reply
1. Thoth, formerly of the Thousand Sons, Sorcerer of the Adeptus Astartes, and and representative member of the 40k Continuum.
  
  2. I have been assigned to the Department of Floaters, with Tom Andrews.
  
  3. My age is difficult to determine: time is flexible in the Warp, and I long since stopped counting. No doubt thousands of years have passed since my birth.
  
  4. My height is approximately 7 feet. I have not measured my weight of late. Although I have it on good authority that it should approximate 700 pounds.
  
  5. Ostensibly homosexual. My conditioning has stripped me all but the smallest hints of sexual urges.
  
  6. An Intelligence Test? I have not taken any. I cannot report results.
  
  7. In my limited experience, outside of my armor, boxers provide a more practical form of wear, being looser, easier to maneuver in, and less likely to obstruct, chafe, or otherwise distract in a dangerous situation.
  
  8. This is not information I disclose. Suffice to say, as a sorcerer, I am armed even when all articles of clothing have been removed from my body.
  
  9. Murder, heresy, sorcery, miscellaneous crimes against the Imperium, war crimes, kidnapping, 17 acts too disturbing to list here, 23 acts I did not commit, and assault and battery with a fish.
  
  It is a very long story.
  
  10. No. Unlike many of my brothers.
  
  11. I cannot recall the last time I fantasized about a sexual relationship.
  
  12. I can speak it. But it would likely be the last thing you hear. Curses are not to be taken lightly.
  
  13. I do not recall when last I was forced to consume a human brain.
  
  14. Define the term?
  
  15. "And they shall know no fear."
  
  But The Changer of Ways is... disquieting.
  
  16. ...Crossdressing? I suppose I could attempt it, although I see little point in such a foolish endeavor.
  
  17. Not that can be counted as such.
  
  18. I have most nearly died upon the day of the Burning of Prospero, and during an altercation with a servant of She Who Thirsts. There have been other brushes, but none so close.
  
  19. During my first day.
  
  20. Not at present.
  
  21. No.
  
  22. Why would I?
  
  23. Derik. There will be no further comments on this subject.
  
  24. Earlier today. I am not wearing my armor was regularly as I once did.
  
  25. Yes.
  
  26. I believe that I did at the time. The memory has long faded.
  
  27. No. It is unwise to encourage them.
  
  28. I was a surprisingly slow student, in the beginning. I began to rapidly improve.
  
  29. I don't wish to disclose any additional information at this time.
  
  30. Yes, no, and no.

[Some time later...] by Agent Derik on 2019-02-23 02:50:00 UTC Reply

*looks up from MM, grinning* A fish? This, I need to hear!

...

Wait, wait... You ate a brain?!

...

*silence* *pats Thoth's shoulder*

"Who else, Brother?" (nm) by Thoth on 2019-02-24 00:02:00 UTC Reply

"... Honestly?" by Neshomeh on 2019-02-25 04:26:00 UTC Reply

"My son. If you had to make that choice, I'd want you to save my son, not me."

(( Thoth still makes me d'awww. Let's see if Derik can make anyone cry. {= P ))

"..." by Thoth on 2019-02-25 13:16:00 UTC Reply

"...I understand. Some things are more important than ourselves. Should such a thing occur, I will do my best for you, brother."

"Fates willing, such an occurrence would never arise, but should it, should nobody else be available, I would do my best to raise your son as you would wish him to be."

((Tom, shut up about God of War. This is serious.))

"Thank you, brother." by Neshomeh on 2019-02-25 23:38:00 UTC Reply

"That does a lot for my peace of mind. No one could ask for a better guardian." He clapped Thoth's shoulder again. "You know, even barring some catastrophe befalling me, I hope you and Gaddie will be friends. That way, when I do eventually die, I won't be leaving either of you alone."

(( Well, we knew this conversation was going to happen at some point, so why not? ))

"I shall do my best to make it as you wish." by Thoth on 2019-02-26 02:44:00 UTC Reply

"I, too, am eager to meet your scion. When he arrives." Thoth sat, letting Derik keep his hand as it was. He was used to it, and in a sense, the gesture was... touching.

"And it's a thought that's occurred to me. I must seem a fixed point in the flow of time to you. It is likely you will go before my time. That fate, we cannot change. The die is cast, and the hands are dealt. All that is left to us is how we play them." He gave Derik an awkward pat on the shoulder. This part, he hadn't planned. "As it stands, I think it is my preference not to play alone."

After a moment, Derik chuckled. by Neshomeh on 2019-02-26 16:59:00 UTC Reply

"Remind me to teach you dragon poker if I ever get my hands on a three-suit deck. Around here, everything is four-suited." He shook his head.

"You and I," he added, back on topic, "we were meant to be part of some larger unit. A wing; a company; a Legion or a Weyr. We're not made to go it alone. Should never have tried."

Thoth wasn't quite sure what to say to that. So he didn't. (nm) by Thoth on 2019-02-26 17:54:00 UTC Reply

Derik glanced up, but let it go. by Neshomeh on 2019-02-27 15:44:00 UTC Reply

Sometimes getting words out of Thoth was like getting blood from a stone.

After a moment, he brandished the copy of the Monitor that had started this. "Well, don't think I'm forgetting about your fish story. Or the brain, either, but you can keep that one. I'm pretty sure I don't want to know."

(( Sure, I could have let it end there, but I didn't. {= )

(( BTW, Animal Planet's Wolves and Warriors is somewhat relevant to our interests, I think! And also has gorgeous wolves and wolf-dogs that might as well be wolves, which is a selling point all by itself. ^_^ ))

"Had I known there would be such interest..." by Thoth on 2019-02-27 17:29:00 UTC Reply

"...perhaps I would not have said so much." Thoth sighed. "As for the fish... I was young and foolish. It was late, and I held my wine poorly. I was more impulsive than I am now. The other boy had questioned my position. He did not believe I was worthy of my success as a student. I believe the insult he used approximated to 'bugbait.'"

The Astartes ran a hand across his brow. "He lived. I had not yet been chosen, so my strength was average at best."

Derik tried not to, but... by Neshomeh on 2019-02-28 00:51:00 UTC Reply

at "bugbait" he burst out lauging—his true laugh, a rich peal that shook the air—and barely heard Thoth's last sentence.

"I'm sorry," he managed several seconds later, wiping tears from his eyes. "I know you're not trying to be funny, but... imagining you as a lad, beating some poor idiot within an inch of his life with a fish..." He chuckled some more, helpless to stop it. "Was it a live fish? Or was it supposed to be your dinner that evening?"

Frozen would best fit the facts, of course, but Derik was a harper, and his mind was spinning the facts into the best possible story.

"It was lightly fried." by Thoth on 2019-02-28 17:43:00 UTC Reply

"With a seasoning of salt and butter, and a light sprinkling of local spices." Thoth was uncertain how to handle his friend's laughter. He ignored it. "I believe it was someone else's dinner. As to how someone could be assaulted with such an insubstantial object... even then, I had some talents outside of my specialty. Thankfully, the boy was an incredibly weak telekine. I believe he may have eventually become one of the mortals of the Pavoni. Talented, or so I heard tell. However, he was always cursed with poor reflexes."

Thoth shrugged his shoulders. "As for the brains... we Astartes have the ability to absorb the memories of others by consuming their bodies. The Flesh Tearers, in particular, take advantage of this, reveling in particularly barbarous—and they dub us heretics uncouth. I never enjoyed the practice myself, but I was called upon at times to make use of it. Partaking of a brain is the most efficient and complete method of attaining knowledge. However, it invariably causes vomiting in any Astartes, and is one of the few things to do so." He paused. "I suppose that mjød, consumed in sufficient quantities, could do the same. However, I do not drink to excess."

"Dammit, man, I said keep the brains to yourself." by Neshomeh on 2019-02-28 20:06:00 UTC Reply

Derik had grinned through the additional details for the fish story. He'd needed that laugh, and hoped Thoth could tell the good it had done him.

Maybe that was why he'd continued with the other story. That was sobering, but Derik's complaints were more theatrical than genuine.

"Even thinking about that is enough to turn my stomach, thank you! Is this revenge for being too inquisitive? You could have just waited for my turn here" —he raised the paper— "though I'm not entirely sure they'll print it. The other man they lumped me in with cursed for a solid minute and more besides."

Made me cry, anyway. +1 to Derik. (nm) by Iximaz on 2019-02-25 12:54:00 UTC Reply

So a Knight and a Dragon walk into a bar! by Thoth on 2019-02-22 19:42:00 UTC Reply
1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
  
  I: I'm Sir Ialthos, Knight of the Realm or whatever the bloody title is.
  
  F: And I'm Ferrux, dragon in residence. Don't give me that look, I don't bite. Much. Unless you're especially tasty...
  
  I: Ferrux, don't scare the interviewer.
  
  2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
  
  F: DF, seconded to DBS at present. They seem to think we have some kind of expertise in same-sex relationships.
  
  I: We do have expertise in same-sex relationships.
  
  F: That's why they think that.
  
  I: ...I technically can't argue.
  
  3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
  
  F: Lost track.
  
  I: You're... what, five years on me?
  
  F: I'd hope so. It's... what, (age/2)+7? I don't want weird looks from people.
  
  I: Ferrux... don't worry about that. You get plenty of weird looks already.
  
  F: I attract attention like the distinguished gentleman that I am.
  
  I: And who showed up to the interview in a T-Shirt?
  
  F: Another agent gave it to me free! How could I say no to that?
  
  4. Height and weight?
  
  F: In human form, or not?
  
  I: Sufficient.
  
  F: Erm... That's not an answer, Ial.
  
  I: Do you want to spend more time getting a proper one?
  
  F: ...Point taken.
  
  5. Sexual orientation?
  
  I: Straight, but I have a certain affection for a special someone-kun...
  
  F: Chuckles. You're an idiot.
  
  I: Well, I did flunk advanced mathematics... yeah, gay.
  
  F: Very gay.
  
  I: So gay.
  
  6. IQ?
  
  F: That's a thing? Can I have one?
  
  I: As the dumb muscle in residence, I'd flunk.
  
  F: Ial, stop insulting yourself.
  
  I: I'm just telling the truth.
  
  F: The education requirements for a Knight disagree...
  
  7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
  
  I: Boxers.
  
  F: Boxers.
  
  I: How often do you wear underwear?
  
  F: I'm wearing underwear right now! See?
  
  I: Those are your pants.
  
  F: Oh. Well, then I'm not wearing any underwear.
  
  I: Sometimes, honestly...
  
  8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
  
  I: I have a sword!
  
  F: I could turn into a dragon at any time. Weapons not required. I heard someone in Rudi's said I have guns, but I don't like firearms really... Ial, what are you doing?
  
  I: Stifling laughter. Nothing... Have I told you you're adorable today?
  
  F: Yes, yes you have. Repeatedly.
  
  I: You're adorable. Like a giant teddy bear, I swear.
  
  F: Awww... thanks!
  
  9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
  
  F: Well, I haven't set anything on fire in a while...
  
  I: Hey, I covered up all my questionably legal activities in foreign countries.
  
  F: I helped!
  
  I: ...while watching to see if I was secretly sleeping with someone else.
  
  F: Which he wasn't!
  
  I: I resented your intrusion on my privacy at the time, but in retrospect I'm just glad someone else was around to help burn the bodies.
  
  F: Yay draconic greed and over-protectiveness!
  
  I: ...There's so much wrong with that I don't even know where to begin.
  
  F: Are we gonna have to talk about this again?
  
  I: Nah, I think we worked it out last time.
  
  10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
  
  laughter.
  
  11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
  
  harder laughter.
  
  12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
  
  F: Teakettle.
  
  I: Belgium. How is teakettle a curseword?
  
  F: Teakettles are tiny metal false dragons.
  
  I: ...I can argue with that, but I think I'm just going to laugh.
  
  13. When was the last time you threw up?
  
  F: Dunno.
  
  I: Yeah, I have no idea either.
  
  14. Have any mental illnesses?
  
  I: I fell in love with a giant goofy idiot...
  
  F: I fell in love with an overly-serious doofus...
  
  I: ...Right, we're allowed to hug during the interview, right?
  
  15. What is your biggest phobia?
  
  F: Not answering any questions, still hugging.
  
  I: Agreed.
  
  16. Do you crossdress often?
  
  F: Nope! But now I kinda wanna try...
  
  I: Ferrux no.
  
  F: Ferrux yes!
  
  I: ...Alright. I mean, I guess you could probably pull off a dress if you were careful.
  
  F: I could totally kill it in a dress.
  
  I: The only problem would be if it ripped...
  
  F: Hey, I'm a guy! Nobody cares if I'm naked!
  
  I: If only...
  
  17. Have any addictions?
  
  I: Nope.
  
  F: Does Ialthos count?
  
  18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
  
  F: Well, there was that time Ialthos almost tried to kill me, but that wasn't that close... There was the orcs... The goblins... The fishmen... The demons in search of high-class cuisine...
  
  I: That was a weird one.
  
  F: Seriously, what was their deal?
  
  19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
  
  I: Well, they took Ferrux away while he running naked through the halls.
  
  F: I keep telling you! It's okay if you're a guy!
  
  I: Where did you even get that idea?
  
  20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
  
  F: Nope! I'm totally sane!
  
  I: If I dispute that, he'll make me sleep on the couch. But yeah, he's sane. Just... weird. And adorable. And he makes me smile.
  
  F: Aww... could it be that you... blush... like me?
  
  I: Well, I married you for a reason?
  
  21. Do you snore?
  
  I: No.
  
  F: No.
  
  I: Yes he does.
  
  F: I do? Jeez, I'll have to work on that.
  
  I: Eh, I'm used to it. It's kinda soothing, honestly.
  
  F: ...You have strange ideas of what's soothing.
  
  I: Says you.
  
  22. Are you drooling right now?
  
  F: Yup!
  
  I: ...You're not drooling at all.
  
  F: Drooling is a state of mind.
  
  23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
  
  F: Ialthos.
  
  I: Ferrux.
  
  24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
  
  I: What kind of a question is that?
  
  F: I'm with you on this one. Seriously. Weird.
  
  25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
  
  F: kisses Ialthos
  
  I: Mmmph! Grins broadly. Man... you have to stop doing that...
  
  F: Your grin says otherwise.
  
  I: Stupid, adorable dragon...
  
  26. Did you like it?
  
  F: Yes!
  
  I: Yes. God dammit Ferrux...
  
  27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
  
  F: They make amazing cookies! Isn't that right, voices?
  
  I: He's joking. I think.
  
  28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
  
  I: I was too boring to make fun of.
  
  F: School? My dad dragged me to the local stock exchange and I had to spend a week on half-rations if I lost too much money.
  
  I: And you wonder why I'm so much better versed in the classics...
  
  29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
  
  F: Not that I can think of...
  
  I: Let's get this over with.
  
  30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
  
  F: I dunno, that could be pretty interesting...
  
  I: Absolutely not.
  
  F: Buuuut...
  
  I: Hey, you're welcome to it! Just don't expect me to follow along.
  
  F: Eh, I'll head back with you. It's movie night, right?
  
  I: It is! And The Princess Bride is on.
  
  F: Oooh, I heard that's a good one.
  
  I: With luck, I'll finally learn what's so bad about land wars in southeast Asia...
>Be Tom Andrews by Thoth on 2019-02-22 17:05:00 UTC Reply
1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
  
  Tom Andrews, Ex-Computational Demonologist, Laundry Continuum. Oooh, man, it feels sooo good to say that without my head exploding. Thank you, dark gods.
  
  2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
  
  I'm in Floaters, and I work with Thoth. He's not that scary, really. He's like a fluffy teddy bear. A biig, fluffy teddy bear. A big, fluffy, hairless, comically strong, heavily-armed teddy bear who can kill you with his mind.
  
  So now you know why my corpse will turn up...
  
  3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
  
  Uhh... 23, as I recall.
  
  4. Height and weight?
  
  Too tall, and surprisingly light. You'd think all the sugar and caffeine went somewhere...
  
  5. Sexual orientation?
  
  ...Straight. Straight straight straight straight straight. Why are you as asking this?
  
  6. IQ?
  
  Perfectly adequate.
  
  7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
  
  Briefs, I guess? I never tried boxers.
  
  8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
  
  Well, this camera can reduce you to ash. Nothing else, though.
  
  9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
  
  Not unless someone's still chasing former Napster users...
  
  10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
  
  ...I have definitely been with girls. Lots of girls.
  
  By 'with', I mean present in the same room.
  
  11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
  
  ...No... Why is that a question?
  
  12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
  
  Does "By Cthulhu's Nipples" count?
  
  13. When was the last time you threw up?
  
  The last time somebody exploded in the lab.
  
  14. Have any mental illnesses?
  
  Chronic anxiety. Living through the start of the Apocalypse didn't help.
  
  15. What is your biggest phobia?
  
  Elder gods. Aliens. Demons. Alien Demons.
  
  16. Do you crossdress often?
  
  ...I'm not gay, I don't cross dress, I don't fantasize about other men, stop being weird.
  
  ...I mean, not that there's anything wrong with doing those things...
  
  17. Have any addictions?
  
  Nope! Clean as a whistle. Unless Coke counts...
  
  18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
  
  Zombies. Well, not technically zombies, but close enough...
  
  19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
  
  Well, I did have to get my head checked to make sure my geas disintegrating didn't damage me somehow. I'm fine!
  
  20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
  
  Nope.
  
  21. Do you snore?
  
  I don't know. I'm not awake when I do that.
  
  22. Are you drooling right now?
  
  Why would I do that?
  
  23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
  
  Meh, probably Thalia. Thoth'd be fine, and I don't have anyone else to play videogames with.
  
  24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
  
  This morning.
  
  25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
  
  Uhh...
  
  26. Did you like it?
  
  Uhhhmmm...
  
  27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
  
  Never! Well, except that one that tells me about nullptr errors early. That one's a good one.
  
  28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
  
  For being a loudmouth! But did any of those people get shanghaied into a top-secret occult government agency after moving across the pond? I don't think so.
  
  29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
  
  Why dedicate this much effort to creating a situation where you could make it sound like i was gay? Seriously, focus on other things.
  
  30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
  
  Get me out of here now.

Someone sounds like he's deep in denial~ (nm) by Iximaz on 2019-02-22 18:08:00 UTC Reply

He actually isn't by Thoth on 2019-02-22 18:41:00 UTC Reply

...Just really really reaaally insecure. :-P

*starry eyes* by QJ Beeblebrox on 2019-02-22 04:36:00 UTC Reply

Your characters speak so CONSISTENTLY. I am so impressed! Also, RIP Derik.

(it me quincy)

"Fine. I have nothing but time now anyways." by Leonidas, Floaters on 2019-02-21 23:05:00 UTC Reply

1.) I am Leonidas, a posthuman Astartes of the Dark Angels Chapter of Space Marines in *Warhammer 40,000*.
2.) Floaters at the moment. My partner is Samuel (Sammy: IT'S SAMMY DARN IT) McLeod of *Gundam Build Fighters*.
3.) I lost count around the third century of my life.
4.) Approximately seven Terran feet, and the weight of a small ground vehicle when armored.
5.) I haven't bothered to figure it out. Duty came first in my setting, and I have a distinct lack of interest for reorganizing my priorities to amend that.
6.) Unknown. I was smart enough to consistently lead a Company of 100 Astartes and support elements to victory in the most brutal combat conditions conceived by the enemies of Mankind.
7.) N/A. I wear robes, power armor, and a bodysuit beneath that. Conventional undergarments are not part of my standard uniform.
8.) Three. Myself--for I am a living weapon, forged in fury, my bolt pistol--an automatic handgun of 0.75 caliber, with self-propelled mass-reactive explosive rounds, and my powered relic blade, forged of meteoric obsidian, a Heavenfall Blade called the Sword of Solitude. Occasionally I will supplement this with various explosives such as frag grenades. Earlier in my home universe, I wielded a power fist and a storm shield in my days as a Veteran Sergeant.
9.) Not by the standards of my home universe.
10.) ...yes. I was recruited at a young age, before I had fully biologically matured.
11.) No; neither do I fantasize about heterosexual relationships.
12.) Frakk.
13.) Due to my implants and modified physiology, I am incapable of being nauseated by most things, including motion sickness. I came close during my first high-velocity deployment from low orbit via drop pod, however.
14.) As far as I am aware, no.
15.) I fear nothing, for I am fear incarnate! However, I do feel concern at the idea dying with my duties unfulfilled.
16.) I do not see the relevance of this question to my personality. But my answer is no.
17.) Most mind-altering substances have no effect on me. However, I do not seek to find the exception; I am not a Space Wolf.
18.) At several points throughout my service to the Emperor, I suffered injuries that would've killed a mortal human several times over. However, being an Astartes, I survived, although with new scars each time. I also nearly died in a duel against an unarmored Astartes, which ended in a technical draw, during my trial of initiation to earn the honor of recruitment. (Although I was not aware of the purpose of the duel at the time.)
19.) No, although they did attempt to restrain me in the immediate aftermath of my arrival as I processed my surroundings.
20.) Not to my knowledge.
21.) True sleep is a rarity; my partner tells me I do not on the rare occasions I enter full sleep.
22.) Hopefully not. My saliva is corrosive enough to burn through metal and if I drooled at this proximity you would be in a great amount of pain.
23.) ...I would save Samuel.
24.) My power armor has waste recycling features incorporated into its systems. I also suspect that bathroom stalls would find it difficult to contain my physique.
25.) Once. My mortal sister, as a farewell before my recruitment into the Dark Angels. I did meet her again years later, but that's a story for another time.
26.) I can't remember. My mind was clouded by conflicting emotions at the time.
27.) I don't hear anything. Are you suggesting that I am suffering from Warp contamination?
28.) I did not ever attend a school; my birthplace was a Feudal world and roughly equivalent to medieval Terra in technological level.
29.) If I find that this information has been misused my retribution shall be both swift and merciless. (Sammy: Ohhh Lord...)
30.) I am indifferent. I suppose I should thank you for your time?

Just gotta say, I love Space Marines. by Neshomeh on 2019-02-23 02:42:00 UTC Reply

Leonidas is so serious in the face of this nonsense, it's hilarious. ^_^

~Neshomeh

Thanks! XD by Grundleplith on 2019-02-23 20:27:00 UTC Reply

It's how he keeps himself sane when the world seems set on driving him up a wall. And, y'know, it's habitual. I'll do one for Sammy later.

(Forgot to actually put my name on this...I'll fix that.) (nm) by Grundleplith on 2019-02-21 23:07:00 UTC Reply

Welp, I might as well try by SilverStorm0 on 2019-02-21 22:35:00 UTC Reply

(This character is still in the works so some of my answers are liable to become inaccurate by the time I've finished, but all of the important character traits are set so he shouldn't change too drastically...
I might try again with my other agent later.)

1. I am Chenille, the last-- er, a rabbit-wearer taguel. My home was Fire Emblem.

2. Mary Sues, freelance. I have no partner.

3. Time is warped in this place, so I could not truly say, but twenty-four winters is close.

4. Do you mean as I am now or my animal form?

5. You mean who I am attracted to? Taguel females.

6. My kin are intelligent creatures, same as any man-spawn or sapient.

7. Taguel have fur.

8. Teeth and claws are all the weapons I need.

9. I would think not.

10. *dryly* Have you seen another taguel before?

11. Is there a reason your heart has speed up?

12. I would not say it unprovoked.

13. On a mission. Food poisoning.

14. Only those that afflict all agents.

15. I would not so easily reveal it.

16. Cross...dress?

17. Taguel do not easily come to rely upon substances.

18. *vaguely uncomfortable* I have not been to the moon yet, but it was a close thing.

19. I have been to FicPsych, but they have never restrained me before.

20. No.

21. If so, no-one has said.

22. No.

23. Whoever was closest.

24. Do you truly want to know?

25. No.

26. I repeat; no.

27. *confused* Is it odd to only hear my own?

28. What is this... school?

29. *shakes head* None.

30. *slam as the door shuts*
Alright, gonna do all six of my field agents... by Iximaz on 2019-02-21 19:38:00 UTC Reply

...eventually. I'll probably post them as responses to this; I just wanted you to know I'd seen it and was thinking about it. :) I'm currently in the middle of planning a D&D session, so I'll get around to this later.

...though, Nesh, if you want me to also do one for Farilan, just say the word. :P

The DoSAT Trio by Iximaz on 2019-02-23 22:52:00 UTC Reply

((Changing up the formatting for this to make it a bit easier on the eyes.))

- - -

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

Alex: Technician Alex Dives, human, from World One.

Olivine: Olivine! I'm a Peridot Gem, from Steven Universe!

Farilan: Farilan-Haothil-Esthine, and if you really must ask my species and continuum, I shall have to ask you in turn if you need to have your IQ tested.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

O: We're all in DoSAT.

A: No partners, but some people are unlucky enough to be stuck with interns.

F: And some people are unlucky enough to be stuck with uppity supervising technicians who don't know nearly as much as they think they do.

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

A: I just turned 19!

O: Ooh, gosh, I dunno. A few thousand years, at least.

F: Twenty-seven. Nearly a decade older than Technician Dives, for the record.

4. Height and weight?

A: Six-four. I think I've finally stopped growing. Oh, and a hundred and fifty pounds.

F: Do I have to give it in human units?

A: Yes.

F: Fine. Five and a half feet tall, stalk-eyes included. Approximately two hundred of your Earth pounds.

O: They're everyone's pounds, Farilan.

F: *sniffs*

O: I'm five foot, seven and a half—

A: You can't include your limb enhancers with that!

O: Ffffine. Five feet, and a hundred pounds.

5. Sexual orientation?

O: I'm a rock.

A: ...I think I'm straight? I've never really wondered about it... I know I like girls, anyway. Some girls.

F: You're supposed to like females. You're male.

O: ...You wanna tell her, or should I?

6. IQ?

F: Too high for you to calculate.

O: Someone's feeling smug today.

F: Intellectually superior. There's a difference.

A: ...I mean, I tested at 155...

O: We could've guessed you were a genius, Squishy, you started working on TARDISes and stuff when you were fifteen. That's not normal.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

F: What are those?

O: Again: I'm a rock.

A: Uh... boxer briefs?

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

O: Well, my arm enhancers also have built-in minuature blowtorches and a stun gun function.

A: Does my sonic screwdriver count as a weapon?

F: I am not in possession of any manufactured weapons, but I believe my tail-blade is sufficient for defense.

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

All: No.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

A: Yeeeees?

O: I. Am. A. Rock. Wait, do fusions count?

F: No.

O: Oh, please, like you've ever bothered to learn about Gem culture. But for the record, once again: I am a rock. What about you, Farilan?

F: Don't you think that's a bit intrusive?

A: *muttering* Who'd want to sleep with her?

O: Besides Ilraen?

F: One more word out of you and you'll be spending the next month poofed in your gem.

O: Moving on!

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

O: I am a—

F: If you say you're a rock one more time—

A: Anyway, moving on!

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

F: Don't be so crass.

A: My sister taught me this really fun Gallifreyan one, but... uh, I forget how to say it because it was like fourteen syllables. It basically means 'your timeline is wasted on your existence'.

O: Latin has some really creative swears...

13. When was the last time you threw up?

F: Allow me to say it before the Gem does: she is a rock.

O: And you don't have a mouth.

A: Unfortunately, I do. Meatloaf surprise last week in the Cafeteria. Not fun.

14. Have any mental illnesses?

A: Nah, I think my sister got all the crazy genes in the family.

F: I'd be willing to debate that.

A: Love you, too.

O: I can be a little neurotic at times, but I think I'm otherwise fine.

A: You spent half an hour rearranging the staples in your stapler to make sure they were in the right order.

O: Okay, maybe more than a little neurotic, but that doesn't prove anything.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

A: ...Losing my sister again. I know unless something really bad happens again, she's going to outlive me by thousands of years, but... I already lost her once and that was bad enough.

O: Squishy...

F: She's back now and takes pleasure in interrupting our work all the time, Technician Dives, get a hold of yourself.

A: Well, why don't you share with the class what your phobia is, then?

F: *sniffs* Phobias are an irrational response to something. I am not an irrational creature.

O: Yeah? I mean, I'm basically a living computer, but my programming doesn't prevent me from being terrified of being subsumed by canon and losing my individuality because Peridots are basically drudge technicians in Gem society and I'd be expected to just fall in line like the good little drone I am—

A: Next question please!

16. Do you crossdress often?

O: ...I'm genderless. How would I crossdress?

F: And I don't wear clothing. I'm starting to get the feeling these questions are mostly geared towards Technician Dives—

A: And I don't crossdress.

17. Have any addictions?

All: No.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

A: No, thank god.

F: I believe humans use the term 'ditto'.

A: Now look who's lowering herself to human behaviors.

F: It's called cross-cultural understanding. Perhaps you should research it sometime.

O: I've been poofed a few times, which I guess is sorta like dying.

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

A: They took me in for an assessment after R...Ave ran away, but that's it.

O: Clean record here.

F: I'm the picture of mental health.

A: *coughs*

F: Is that supposed to mean something?

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

A: ...Didn't we answer that with the last question?

F: I'm beginning to think this interview isn't being conducted in good faith.

21. Do you snore?

O: I am—

F: *tail twitches*

A: —a rock. I don't snore, either.

22. Are you drooling right now?

F: These are very human-centric questions.

O: Much as I hate to say it, she's right.

A: ...And I'm not drooling. They're human-centric, but just... weird.

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

A: Zeke. I know Ave and Zeb will take care of Elanor.

O: Charlotte. No offense to her, because I love her dearly, but she could probably die tripping over her own shoelaces if Ix wasn't there to protect her.

F: Nobody.

A: Really? Nobody? Not even—?

F: Not even Ilraen, no!

A: I didn't say Ilraen, you did.~

F: Harumph.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

A&F: You're a rock.

O: I am a rock!

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

A: I kissed Katie once, at the New Year's party.

O: Wait, you did?! Squishy, why didn't you tell us?

F: Perhaps because he knew such personal details are irrelevant to work and completely uninteresting.

26. Did you like it?

A: *blushes*

O: SQUISHY HAS A GIRLFRIEND! SQUISHY HAS A—

F: Would you please SHUT UP?!

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

F: I am the voices in your head.

A: Well, you're not wrong there.

O: Why did the voices have to be so shrill?

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

A: Not as much as my sister, since she kind of looked out for me and made sure people didn't give me a hard time. And once I got to high school, I was pretty popular.

F: You have schools that are high?

O: He means the later stages of education that aren't upper-level university. Anyway, the only Kindergarten I've been to is the one I was born in—

F: I thought Kindergarten was for learning, not... giving birth!

O: Remind me to give you a crash course on Gem culture sometime.

F: I shall. As for my answer, I was the top of my class, which naturally made me the most popular.

A: Is that actually a thing with Andalites, or just something you told yourself?

F: I'm confident in my superiority, Technician Dives, not delusional about how much people enjoy my company. I know you and Technician Olivine dislike me quite heartily and I have done nothing to encourage anything else. I'm here to do my job, not win a popularity contest.

A: ...

O: ...

F: Are we nearly done here?

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

F: This has been a pointless waste of time.

A: Yeah, I gotta agree with that.

O: Thirded.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

All: *get up and walk away*

- - -

((...So that was an interesting experiment. Learned a lot about Olivine and Farilan, that's for sure.))
Bonus round: Erica Ambrose by Iximaz on 2019-02-23 02:23:00 UTC Reply

((Because Nesh reminded me of her existence and she's the most developed of my not (yet) canon agents.))

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

Erica Ambrose. I'm human, I think, from a Mutants and Masterminds game based on Doctor Who.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

I'm in ESAS, and I still don't have a partner despite constantly pestering the Flowers about it no I'm not still mad about that—

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

Hundred and eighty-seven, thereabouts. I'm not sure when the rollover is anymore, but I'll just call it August and move on.

4. Height and weight?

Five-eleven, hundred and thirty-five.

5. Sexual orientation?

I mean, I'm not exactly picky about who I want to bang.

6. IQ?

Mom got me tested when I was in high school. 132. I don't really put much stock in it, though.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

36E. All I can say is with a chest like this, I'm glad I come from a superhero continuum where that's an asset rather than a hindrance.

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

Just my Glock. It's all I need.

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

Back home, there'd probably still be a few warrents out for me under my old name if I hadn't wiped the records.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

Pfff. Hahaha, good one.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

I had a steady girlfriend for five years. You tell me.

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

Shpx. Isn't everybody's?

13. When was the last time you threw up?

Hm. Honestly can't remember. My healing factor makes me immune to getting sick and I've got a pretty strong stomach when it comes to gross stuff.

14. Have any mental illnesses?

Oh, definitely, but I'm not sharing the intimate details.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

...Well. There was this guy. You'd know him as the Master from Doctor Who, but he went by a different name in my home canon. I just hope my guy doesn't come back to life like your guy did.

16. Do you crossdress often?

Not since World War II. Pretending to be a man all the time gets exhausting.

17. Have any addictions?

Used to. I don't really feel like going into the specifics.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

Buddy, I'm a Jack Harkness expy in ESAS. How many times do you think I've died?

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

Nope, but that's probably just because I went to them before it could happen.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

Only when I forget I've got an appointment.

21. Do you snore?

I mean, I don't need to sleep, so...

22. Are you drooling right now?

What? There's bourbon and pizza waiting for me in the RC.

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

Hm... Probably Talia. Jacques can survive anything, and if an explosion's involved I'm sure Sarah would make it out alive.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

You know, I'm a believer of not sharing personal fetishes in public.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

Again: Harkness expy. There's a lot of notches in my proverbial belt.

26. Did you like it?

Ohhh yes.

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

Hey, sometimes the voices get lonely.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

I got a bit of teasing since I skipped a grade, but I was pretty popular otherwise. Had a lot of friends, got crowned Prom Queen... You probably could've made a movie about it.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

Not really. Is there anything else?

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

Nah, I think I'd rather just get back to that pizza and bourbon if it's all the same to you.

Yay! by Neshomeh on 2019-02-23 17:51:00 UTC Reply

All of yours have been entertaining, BTW. And yes, definitely do Farilan if you feel like it! Maybe with Alex and/or Olivine? Phobos and I recently got as far as Hulu would let us get in Steven Universe, so our Gem agents now make loads more sense to me, and would likely be entertaining for this. ^_^

~Neshomeh

IÂ’ll do my DoSAT trio next, then! (nm) by Iximaz on 2019-02-23 20:21:00 UTC Reply

Lorson Rho by Iximaz on 2019-02-22 03:42:00 UTC Reply
1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
  
  Lorson Rho. Human, cyborg. Star Wars.
  
  2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
  
  I'm in Crossovers. Got stuck with a holier-than-you changeling named Dax.
  
  3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
  
  Eh... twenty-four, I think. I'd have to check.
  
  4. Height and weight?
  
  Six foot four, two hundred and thirty pounds. Got a lotta metal in me; no clue how much I'd weigh otherwise.
  
  5. Sexual orientation?
  
  Piss off.
  
  6. IQ?
  
  The hell should I know?
  
  7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
  
  The hell does this matter?
  
  8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
  
  A blaster, an electroknife, four thermal detonators, and two vibroswords that I'll shove up your nff if you keep up with those weird questions.
  
  9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
  
  Murder. Arson. Destruction of property. Shipjacking. Cyber fraud. Probably more, but I ain't keeping track.
  
  10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
  
  [It was at this question Lorson leveled his blaster at me and I quickly decided to move on.]
  
  11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
  
  [Question skipped in favor of maintaining the interviewer's safety.]
  
  12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
  
  Prolly gotta e chu ta. It's just so expressive.
  
  13. When was the last time you threw up?
  
  Most recent mission. I ain't sharin' the details.
  
  14. Have any mental illnesses?
  
  Take a wild karking guess.
  
  15. What is your biggest phobia?
  
  Let's just go with sand so you'll leave me alone.
  
  16. Do you crossdress often?
  
  Why the hell would I do that?
  
  17. Have any addictions?
  
  Dax says I gotta cut back on the booze. I told him to go kriff himself.
  
  18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
  
  Well, these prosthetics ain't for show. There was an explosion. The end.
  
  19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
  
  No.
  
  20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
  
  They better not be.
  
  21. Do you snore?
  
  No.
  
  22. Are you drooling right now?
  
  Why would I be drooling?
  
  23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
  
  Sigh. Prolly Dax, only 'cause he's the only person here I really know.
  
  24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
  
  The shpx does that have to do with anything?
  
  25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
  
  [The blaster was raised again, so I decided to let it go.]
  
  26. Did you like it?
  
  [Question skipped in favor of maintaining the interviewer's safety.]
  
  27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
  
  Naw. I figure if it's just me going crazy, no need to make it happen further.
  
  28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
  
  Never went to school. And I ended up killing everyone who 'made fun' of me growin' up. I don't got much patience for idiots.
  
  29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
  
  Remember what I said about no patience for idiots?
  
  30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
  
  I'm. Leaving.
Dax by Iximaz on 2019-02-22 03:22:00 UTC Reply
1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
  
  Hell-o! I'm Dax the changeling, and I'm from a D&D homebrew mashup of Eberron and the Forgotten Realms.
  
  2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
  
  I'm in Crossovers, and my partner is... Lorson. Lorson Rho. Not by choice, believe me.
  
  3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
  
  Ehh... probably around three hundred and... twenty? Sure, let's go with that. I've been around a while, and I don't really bother to keep track.
  
  4. Height and weight?
  
  What, like right now or in my original body? This is my current favorite, and I'm about six foot two, a hundred and sixty pounds. My original body is... um. Five foot four, and a hundred and ten pounds. Yeah, yeah, I know I'm little, shut up. I like being tall.
  
  5. Sexual orientation?
  
  Is 'everyone' a sexual orientation?
  
  6. IQ?
  
  Don't know, never checked. My character sheet has an Intelligence of 16 listed if that matters to you.
  
  7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
  
  I mean, my bra size can be anything I want it to be. Though I do have to wonder why you're asking about my underwear. Want to come back to my place and you can find out for yourself?
  
  8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
  
  Just my good old +3 rapier. Picked this bad boy up in a lich's stronghold.
  
  9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
  
  Multiple crimes in multiple kingdoms. Comes with being a sky pirate, you know.
  
  10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
  
  Not since I was seventeen. I think it's safe to say I've had a lot of experience since then.
  
  11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
  
  All. The. Time. Actually, that's one of the things I love about the PPC—nobody cares if you want to take someone to bed. Who would've guessed a world based in the medieval period would have such medieval attitudes about sex?
  
  12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
  
  Well, it's Orcish—hHruka—and it means pathetic weakling, but it's, you know, really derogatory. In orc culture. Which... I'm familiar with. Yep.
  
  13. When was the last time you threw up?
  
  I dunno, I haven't done that in a while that I can remember. Maxed out Constitution score, so I usually succeed on my saving throws.
  
  14. Have any mental illnesses?
  
  Not that I know of, but I'm sure there's some form of PTSD lurking under the surface. We adventurers see some bad stuff.
  
  15. What is your biggest phobia?
  
  ...Not being able to fit in, really. Or being sent back home and having to hide what I am again.
  
  16. Do you crossdress often?
  
  I mean, I regularly shapeshift between male, female, and in-between. I don't think there's crossdressing so much as just cross-gendering.
  
  17. Have any addictions?
  
  No? Maybe? Sex?
  
  18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
  
  Well, early on in my adventuring career, I fell to negative hit points and failed two death saving throws before the party cleric could get me stabilized. And that's as much detail as I'm going to get into. Game terms makes it easier to talk about than describing a goblin spear sticking out of my—well, you know how it goes.
  
  19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
  
  Nah, not yet. Someday, I'm sure. Especially if Lorson keeps up the attitude problem. I won't be held responsible for my actions after that.
  
  20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
  
  You know it! [Dax winked.]
  
  21. Do you snore?
  
  Depends on the body. My usual one doesn't because it's more convenient that way.
  
  22. Are you drooling right now?
  
  Huh? Sorry, I was just thinking about my plans for later. Jacques and Luxury and Talia and I were going to meet up and... well, use your imagination.
  
  23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
  
  ...I don't know. I don't think I could choose. There are too many kids in the Nursery I couldn't leave behind.
  
  24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
  
  So, fun fact about changeling biology? Whenever I feel the urge to go, I just... shift into something that doesn't need to. And when I shift back, the urge is gone. I don't usually advertise that ability because I mean, really, who wants to know about that?
  
  25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
  
  Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh, gods, yes.
  
  26. Did you like it?
  
  You bet I did. Why do you think I've got that foursome later?
  
  27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
  
  Voices, schmoices. I call them my inner demons.
  
  28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
  
  Never attended school. I was literally raised by orcs. They're not exactly big on the concept of school. ...But the other orc kids made fun of me because I was a bit of a runt before my powers manifested.
  
  29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
  
  Can I buy you a drink when this is all over?
  
  30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
  
  I'll take that as a no on the drink, then. Well, it was nice meeting you, but I should really be heading back before my partner does something stupid again.
Charlotte Webb by Iximaz on 2019-02-22 02:56:00 UTC Reply
1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
  
  Hiya! I'm Charlotte, Charlotte Webb. Ex-vampire, now human. I'm from the Twilight 'verse.
  
  2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
  
  Well, I would be back in Floaters if the Flowers hadn't jerked us around... but I digress. Ix, my gorgeous wife and partner, and I are in ESAS.
  
  3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
  
  A hundred and eighty-eight, baby! Medical put my physical age at twenty-one, though. Back when I was a vamp, I was frozen at nineteen. It feels good to be ageing again!
  
  4. Height and weight?
  
  Five feet, two inches. I used to be five feet, four inches, but I just had to go and shrink when I morphed... sigh. Oh, and a hundred and five pounds. Ix can pick me up easily. I love it.
  
  5. Sexual orientation?
  
  Well, I guess you could say bisexual, but I definitely have a much greater preference for women.
  
  6. IQ?
  
  I dunno. A hundred is average, right? Maybe it's a little above that?
  
  7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
  
  32A. That was one of the perks about being a vampire, I used to be... well, perkier.
  
  8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
  
  Oh, I don't have any weapons on me right now. I'm pretty hopeless with them, anyway.
  
  9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
  
  God, I should hope not!
  
  10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
  
  Not after my wedding night, I'm sure not! Though Ix and I actually first had... wait, no, I shouldn't kiss and tell.
  
  11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
  
  And act them out!
  
  12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
  
  Hmm. Probably shpx. It's just so versatile, you know?
  
  13. When was the last time you threw up?
  
  I haven't thrown up in this body yet! I hope to keep it like that for a while.
  
  14. Have any mental illnesses?
  
  Don't think so. Which is good, because Ix honestly has enough going on for both of us.
  
  15. What is your biggest phobia?
  
  Spiders. I can't stand them and the way they skitter, eugh.
  
  16. Do you crossdress often?
  
  Nah. Though Ix looks damn good when she does, let me tell you...
  
  17. Have any addictions?
  
  If you'd asked me last year, I would have said blood. Ooh, though I do absolutely love chocolate covered strawberries. If you gave me unlimited access to those things, I'd eat myself sick, and then I could give you an answer about throwing up!
  
  18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
  
  Well... apparently when I got turned into a vampire, it was 1849 and I was dying of cholera. Carlisle found me and my old Sue friend and turned us into vampires, which made me... you know, undead. I don't really remember that, though. It was a long time ago and my human memories are super fuzzy at best.
  
  19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
  
  Nope.
  
  20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
  
  No, and I hope to keep it that way.
  
  21. Do you snore?
  
  Ix says I do, but I don't believe her. There's no way I snore.
  
  22. Are you drooling right now?
  
  Eh? No, why?
  
  23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
  
  I mean, I'd love to say Ix, but honestly I think she'd be the one saving me. And barring Ix, I'd say Olivine, but again, she'd be saving me instead. ...I'm not very good at saving people.
  
  24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
  
  Uh... a few hours ago, I guess? Is this some kind of fetish or something?
  
  25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
  
  Oh, I've kissed Ix loads of times. Does it count as a different species if I was a vampire and she was human? Oh, and I've also kissed Jacques. He's an excellent kisser.
  
  26. Did you like it?
  
  I liked her enough I married her!
  
  27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
  
  Pfff, no. Don't be ridiculous.
  
  28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
  
  If I was, I don't remember. Though considering when I was born, I probably didn't even go to school...
  
  29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
  
  Weird question set you have going on. Is there a reason for them?
  
  30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
  
  I think I'd rather just go home. Ix promised she'd make dinner tonight.
Ix by Iximaz on 2019-02-22 02:39:00 UTC Reply
1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
  
  Ix. Human. Potterverse.
  
  2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
  
  ESAS. Charlotte Webb.
  
  3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
  
  Twenty-one.
  
  4. Height and weight?
  
  Five foot eight. And... um. Hundred and fifteen pounds.
  
  5. Sexual orientation?
  
  Bi? Pan?
  
  6. IQ?
  
  Um... I mean, I don't want to brag, but... no, um. I think I'll skip this if that's okay.
  
  7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
  
  I used to be a 36D. No more bras after top surgery.
  
  8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
  
  Just my wand and cane.
  
  9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
  
  Probably. I try not to think about it too much.
  
  10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
  
  [Ix turned red and refused to answer the question. Considering she's married, it's probably safe to say the answer is no.]
  
  11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
  
  I mean, I married another woman, so...
  
  12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
  
  I don't really like swearing. It gives people the wrong impression, you know?
  
  13. When was the last time you threw up?
  
  Last night. I ate too much and made myself sick again.
  
  14. Have any mental illnesses?
  
  Depression. Anxiety. PTSD.
  
  15. What is your biggest phobia?
  
  Next!
  
  16. Do you crossdress often?
  
  I mean... sometimes I wear dresses, and sometimes I wear ties? I usually just go for jeans and button-downs, though.
  
  17. Have any addictions?
  
  No.
  
  18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
  
  I had a really bad accident when I was four. It left me in the hospital for a month and I was bedridden at home for the better part of a year. And before you ask, yes, it's what happened to my face, and no thank you I'd rather not discuss it further.
  
  19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
  
  No, thankfully.
  
  20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
  
  I mean, I visit them all the time...
  
  21. Do you snore?
  
  No. Lottie says I mumble in my sleep a lot, though.
  
  22. Are you drooling right now?
  
  ...What? Why?
  
  23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
  
  Charlotte, of course.
  
  24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
  
  I beg your pardon?
  
  25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
  
  Yes... yes... and, uh, I guess yes if a vampire counts as another species?
  
  26. Did you like it?
  
  [Ix blushed and nodded.]
  
  27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
  
  Wait, what voices? Are you sure you're talking to the right person?
  
  28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
  
  Someone wrote an entire fanfic describing how my classmates tortured me. I walk with a limp and half my face looks like it was chewed off. What do you think?
  
  29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
  
  Can I go now, please?
  
  30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
  
  I'm just relieved. Excuse me, please, I really need to get home and make dinner for my wife.
Zeb by Iximaz on 2019-02-22 02:23:00 UTC Reply
1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
  
  I'm Zeb! I'm a Luxray, which is a kind of Pokémon, and I'm from, well, Pokémon!
  
  2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
  
  Department of Mary Sues. You... uh, you know my partner already. The Aviator? You were writing about her all the time not too long ago.
  
  3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
  
  I'm six. I know that doesn't seem too much, but it's actually adult age for my species.
  
  4. Height and weight?
  
  As a Luxray, I'm about four feet, five inches at the shoulder, and as a human I'm six foot one. Ninety-three pounds as a Luxray, a hundred and seventy as a human.
  
  5. Sexual orientation?
  
  Um... I like other males?
  
  6. IQ?
  
  No idea!
  
  7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
  
  ...I don't understand the question, sorry.
  
  8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
  
  Just my claws and teeth and electricity. I can generate sparks from my mane, wanna see?
  
  9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
  
  Oh, gosh, I sure hope not...
  
  10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
  
  Um... ehehe... well, Jacques and I sort of have this thing going on...
  
  11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
  
  [Zeb laughed and nodded sheepishly.]
  
  12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
  
  I like D'Arvit!
  
  13. When was the last time you threw up?
  
  A few weeks ago, I think. We had a really gross mission involving mPreg.
  
  14. Have any mental illnesses?
  
  My nurse said I've got anxiety and PTSD. That stands for something long, but I can't remember what, exactly. Post-something, I think?
  
  15. What is your biggest phobia?
  
  ...Caves. Or Gravelers. Or fire. Explosions in general? Can we move on?
  
  16. Do you crossdress often?
  
  Not often, but I did find out I really like swishy skirts! Especially sparkly ones. I don't use that disguise too often, though, because it's really impractical. Jacques likes it, though.
  
  17. Have any addictions?
  
  Do Poffins count? I love Poffins!
  
  18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
  
  Um... well. I think I died back in my home canon. I have memories of dying, anyway. And then there was the Little Miss Mary incident. I've still got burn scars from that one.
  
  19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
  
  No, but I visit them pretty regularly.
  
  20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
  
  If they were, it's because they want to get to my partner.
  
  21. Do you snore?
  
  Maybe a little bit?
  
  22. Are you drooling right now?
  
  I wasn't, but then I started thinking about what would make me drool, and now I'm thinking about Poffins... mmmm.
  
  23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
  
  Elanor. Ave can look after herself, and I know she'd never forgive me if Ellie died.
  
  24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
  
  ...What?
  
  25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
  
  No, yes, and... yes.
  
  26. Did you like it?
  
  Yes!
  
  27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
  
  What voices?
  
  28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
  
  I never went to school! And I wasn't made fun of on my old team, either. I was one of my trainer's best Pokémon, actually!
  
  29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
  
  This is a really strange interview. Um. Hi, Dee! Ave misses you!
  
  30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
  
  I think I'd rather just go back to my RC and nap, thanks.
The Aviator by Iximaz on 2019-02-22 02:04:00 UTC Reply
1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
  
  Do I have to? Fine. The Aviator, Time Lord... can I just say I'm from Doctor Who and call it good?
  
  2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
  
  Department of Mary Sues, with Zeb. Don't you people know this stuff already?
  
  3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
  
  Officially, four hundred and fifty...five. No, fifty-six. I lost a century in a time loop, though, so if it weren't for that I'd be three hundred and fifty-six.
  
  4. Height and weight?
  
  Generic snarky response about not asking a lady her weight. Um... five foot ten, and probably a hundred and forty pounds?
  
  5. Sexual orientation?
  
  I mean, I guess by human standards it'd be pansexual?
  
  6. IQ?
  
  Okay, look, this is stupid. If I were to put it in a scale humans knew, I'd look like I was bragging. Next question.
  
  7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
  
  ...The hell does this have to do with anyth—oh, fine. 36DD. Sports bras are invaluable out in the field. I miss my second body—flat as a board and never needed one of the damn things.
  
  8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
  
  Staser rifle, staser pistol, a knife in each boot, several miniature explosive charges in my coat, and my sonic screwdriver. Yes, it counts as a weapon.
  
  9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
  
  Not since coming back to the PPC, anyway.
  
  10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
  
  I'm going to stop your next question before you ask it and say yes, it was the goddamn Detective.
  
  11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
  
  Fantasize? Buddy, I had a girlfriend for a few months, get lost.
  
  12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
  
  [The Aviator said a very long string of syllables that I can only assume was something very rude in Gallifreyan.]
  
  13. When was the last time you threw up?
  
  Back when I was pregnant with Elanor. That'd be about two years ago, now. Time Lords don't get sick too often.
  
  14. Have any mental illnesses?
  
  Do you want the list alphabetically or chronologically?
  
  15. What is your biggest phobia?
  
  Daleks. Next question please.
  
  16. Do you crossdress often?
  
  I mean, back when I was a human I did some chest binding if that counts.
  
  17. Have any addictions?
  
  Hilarious. Like you don't know about the drinking problem.
  
  18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
  
  I've died twice now. First time, Rose Potter laid my guts out for me to see, and I remember you reported extensively on that fact. The second time was during the Time War. Temporal bomb went off and I was caught in the explosion. That was when I got stuck in the time loop. Got to experience a century of shrapnel hitting me over and over, it was fun.
  
  19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
  
  If you're asking me for the juicy details of my time as an involuntary patient you can go look back over your past trashy articles.
  
  20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
  
  Not anymore, at least.
  
  21. Do you snore?
  
  No, but I scream in my sleep.
  
  22. Are you drooling right now?
  
  The shpx kind of question is that?
  
  23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
  
  Elanor. Much as I'd hate to leave Zeb behind, I'm starting to think he's able to survive any explosion at this point. Kid's like a cockroach, and I mean that in the most loving way possible.
  
  24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
  
  I dunno, earlier today on a mission? Is this some kind of fetish?
  
  25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
  
  Yes, yes, and yes. Next.
  
  26. Did you like it?
  
  Wouldn't have kissed them if I didn't, would I?
  
  27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
  
  You know, my therapist generally says that's a bad idea.
  
  28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
  
  ...Yeah. I was. My classmates actually nearly killed me twice because they thought it would be funny, and I had permanent back issues from another incident until I came to the PPC and Medical was able to fix me up. I was just the weird loner kid that nobody liked. And that's enough information from me.
  
  29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
  
  Go jump off a bridge.
  
  30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
  
  [The Aviator flipped me the bird and left.]