Subject: So a Knight and a Dragon walk into a bar!
Author:
Posted on: 2019-02-22 19:42:00 UTC
- Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
I: I'm Sir Ialthos, Knight of the Realm or whatever the bloody title is.
F: And I'm Ferrux, dragon in residence. Don't give me that look, I don't bite. Much. Unless you're especially tasty...
I: Ferrux, don't scare the interviewer.
2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
F: DF, seconded to DBS at present. They seem to think we have some kind of expertise in same-sex relationships.
I: We do have expertise in same-sex relationships.
F: That's why they think that.
I: ...I technically can't argue.
3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
F: Lost track.
I: You're... what, five years on me?
F: I'd hope so. It's... what, (age/2)+7? I don't want weird looks from people.
I: Ferrux... don't worry about that. You get plenty of weird looks already.
F: I attract attention like the distinguished gentleman that I am.
I: And who showed up to the interview in a T-Shirt?
F: Another agent gave it to me free! How could I say no to that?
4. Height and weight?
F: In human form, or not?
I: Sufficient.
F: Erm... That's not an answer, Ial.
I: Do you want to spend more time getting a proper one?
F: ...Point taken.
5. Sexual orientation?
I: Straight, but I have a certain affection for a special someone-kun...
F: Chuckles. You're an idiot.
I: Well, I did flunk advanced mathematics... yeah, gay.
F: Very gay.
I: So gay.
6. IQ?
F: That's a thing? Can I have one?
I: As the dumb muscle in residence, I'd flunk.
F: Ial, stop insulting yourself.
I: I'm just telling the truth.
F: The education requirements for a Knight disagree...
7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
I: Boxers.
F: Boxers.
I: How often do you wear underwear?
F: I'm wearing underwear right now! See?
I: Those are your pants.
F: Oh. Well, then I'm not wearing any underwear.
I: Sometimes, honestly...
8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
I: I have a sword!
F: I could turn into a dragon at any time. Weapons not required. I heard someone in Rudi's said I have guns, but I don't like firearms really... Ial, what are you doing?
I: Stifling laughter. Nothing... Have I told you you're adorable today?
F: Yes, yes you have. Repeatedly.
I: You're adorable. Like a giant teddy bear, I swear.
F: Awww... thanks!
9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
F: Well, I haven't set anything on fire in a while...
I: Hey, I covered up all my questionably legal activities in foreign countries.
F: I helped!
I: ...while watching to see if I was secretly sleeping with someone else.
F: Which he wasn't!
I: I resented your intrusion on my privacy at the time, but in retrospect I'm just glad someone else was around to help burn the bodies.
F: Yay draconic greed and over-protectiveness!
I: ...There's so much wrong with that I don't even know where to begin.
F: Are we gonna have to talk about this again?
I: Nah, I think we worked it out last time.
10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
laughter.
11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
harder laughter.
12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
F: Teakettle.
I: Belgium. How is teakettle a curseword?
F: Teakettles are tiny metal false dragons.
I: ...I can argue with that, but I think I'm just going to laugh.
13. When was the last time you threw up?
F: Dunno.
I: Yeah, I have no idea either.
14. Have any mental illnesses?
I: I fell in love with a giant goofy idiot...
F: I fell in love with an overly-serious doofus...
I: ...Right, we're allowed to hug during the interview, right?
15. What is your biggest phobia?
F: Not answering any questions, still hugging.
I: Agreed.
16. Do you crossdress often?
F: Nope! But now I kinda wanna try...
I: Ferrux no.
F: Ferrux yes!
I: ...Alright. I mean, I guess you could probably pull off a dress if you were careful.
F: I could totally kill it in a dress.
I: The only problem would be if it ripped...
F: Hey, I'm a guy! Nobody cares if I'm naked!
I: If only...
17. Have any addictions?
I: Nope.
F: Does Ialthos count?
18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
F: Well, there was that time Ialthos almost tried to kill me, but that wasn't that close... There was the orcs... The goblins... The fishmen... The demons in search of high-class cuisine...
I: That was a weird one.
F: Seriously, what was their deal?
19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
I: Well, they took Ferrux away while he running naked through the halls.
F: I keep telling you! It's okay if you're a guy!
I: Where did you even get that idea?
20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
F: Nope! I'm totally sane!
I: If I dispute that, he'll make me sleep on the couch. But yeah, he's sane. Just... weird. And adorable. And he makes me smile.
F: Aww... could it be that you... blush... like me?
I: Well, I married you for a reason?
21. Do you snore?
I: No.
F: No.
I: Yes he does.
F: I do? Jeez, I'll have to work on that.
I: Eh, I'm used to it. It's kinda soothing, honestly.
F: ...You have strange ideas of what's soothing.
I: Says you.
22. Are you drooling right now?
F: Yup!
I: ...You're not drooling at all.
F: Drooling is a state of mind.
23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
F: Ialthos.
I: Ferrux.
24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
I: What kind of a question is that?
F: I'm with you on this one. Seriously. Weird.
25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
F: kisses Ialthos
I: Mmmph! Grins broadly. Man... you have to stop doing that...
F: Your grin says otherwise.
I: Stupid, adorable dragon...
26. Did you like it?
F: Yes!
I: Yes. God dammit Ferrux...
27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
F: They make amazing cookies! Isn't that right, voices?
I: He's joking. I think.
28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
I: I was too boring to make fun of.
F: School? My dad dragged me to the local stock exchange and I had to spend a week on half-rations if I lost too much money.
I: And you wonder why I'm so much better versed in the classics...
29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
F: Not that I can think of...
I: Let's get this over with.
30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
F: I dunno, that could be pretty interesting...
I: Absolutely not.
F: Buuuut...
I: Hey, you're welcome to it! Just don't expect me to follow along.
F: Eh, I'll head back with you. It's movie night, right?
I: It is! And The Princess Bride is on.
F: Oooh, I heard that's a good one.
I: With luck, I'll finally learn what's so bad about land wars in southeast Asia...